This is a work of pure fiction, based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of Characters:
Cole Alexander Stephanson IV -- Our hero
Jazz -- (Jack Zachary) Coles oldest brother
Diane -- Jazz's wife
Rod -- Coles middle brother
Igor (Iggy) -- Cole's Tutoring Pupil
Cole Alexander Stephanson III -- Coles Dad
Ethyl Stephanson -- Cole's mom
Rex Remlin-- Rod's best friend
Gus Hartwin -- Cole's Boyfriend
Michelle -- Cole's old girlfriend.
Dexter -- Iggy's boyfriend
Ed -- Paramedic
Manolo -- Paramedic
Steve -- Manolo's boyfriend
Randy -- Found Boy
Curtis -- Found boy's brother
Kian Willis -- Friend in Vancouver
Nicolas Poole-- Friend in Vancouver
Howard Poole -- Nicolas's Father
Christian -- the pool guy
Boyd -- the pilot
Spike -- Cop and former classmate
The twins:
Marcus Aurelius
Alexander The Great
From Chapter 32
"Will I be able to keep my sight, Sir?" I asked.
"Cole. Cole! Wake up!" I heard like an echo. The Lord said something, but I couldn't hear! I thought about my eyes, how I could see here. I wanted to stay and hold Lexxy longer. Then it came to me: I was able to see at the cemetery too! What??
"Cole! Wake up! I have Marky here, but Lexxy needs changing too! And I need help so I can have dinner ready for your brothers and dad." My mom said. I sat up straight, and looked into Lex's crib. He was lying there smiling at me. It was all a dream, then? But it seemed too real! I picked up my boy and hugged his close, and hummed a tune for him to feel and hear. He stuck his finger in my ear and giggled.
Chapter 33
I felt my eyes well up. I smiled as I removed Lex's diaper and observed for the umpteenth time that my little brothers were not mutilated, as most still are in America. I was a little jealous. Lexxy giggled as I cleaned his tiny penis and huge testicles. I peeled back the foreskin only enough to see the dark red glans under it. It didn't look inflamed or bad in any way, so I let the foreskin cover him back up.
As I did this, Lex looked up at me with wonder, looking at one eye, then he frowned a little as he looked where the other eye should have been. I re-diapered him and bent down and kissed his little tummy, and was rewarded with another giggle.
"That boy surely loves his big brother!" Mom said.
"I always wanted a little brother." I replied. "Never thought I'd actually get one -- and certainly not two!" I put a soft tee shirt on him that snapped together under his crotch, then cute little jumper with baseballs and bats and gloves printed on it. Little boys clothing is so cute! I put tiny socks on his feet and then what looked to be scaled replicas of expensive Nike "run-run" shoes, as I used to call them when I was little.
I tried to put a little baseball cap on him, but he would have none of it. He tore it off as quickly as I would replace it. It became a game. He laughed, and so did I.
"Honey, I am going to the store for some things I need for dinner tonight. You knew that Randy is going to his brother tomorrow?" Mom said.
"Oh! I had forgotten I guess." I answered. "How long will he be gone?"
"Cole! He's staying with Curtis. It's time! He just turned 19!"
"Oh my gosh! I just never think of him as only a couple years younger than I am! He still seems to be about 15 or 16! Really, He's going away for good! Wow!"
"Well, you know how he has missed his brother. Apparently Curtis is doing well enough that he can support Randy until he gets his feet on the ground. He was with us nearly a year."
"Oh yeah! Remember how I had to almost force him to call Curt at first? There was just no communication in that family."
"But then once he caught on, he wanted to talk to Curt every day. Well, now they'll be together, anyway." Mom said. "I am gonna miss him -- especially when you go back to school."
"You gonna be okay with the boys when I do?"
"Yes! I appreciate your help with the boys. But when you go back to school, I will be ready. But aren't you going back up to see your friends in Canada before school starts?"
"We hoped to."
"It won't be a problem, Sweetie. Your father is taking some vacation time off at that time, anyway."
"Man, I'm gonna miss this little -- er I mean these little guys!"
"It's okay to love one more."
"What?" I said, surprised.
"People make such a big deal of denying loving one child more or less than another! But everyone does -- well nearly everyone. Of course I DON'T! Hee-hee."
"Oh REALLY?" I prodded. "So who is your favorite?"
"You!"
"And that's what you tell each of us, huh?"
"Right!"
"Well, I'll bet your favorite is which ever one requires the most care at the moment."
"I took psychology too, you know!" She said.
"And where do you think I got my first lessons? You and Dad!"
"Lessons about what?" Gus walked in.
"Oh good, you can both look after the boys while I shop!" Mom said. "And so now you each have an opportunity to bond with the other twin." She smiled at me and handed Marc to Gus. Gus looked bewildered.
As soon as Mom left, Gus grabbed me and kissed me. Both boys giggled. He let me go. "Hi." He said, pensively.
"Hi." I obliged.
"Are you okay, Babe?" He stepped back.
"Yeah! I'm fine!" I hugged Lex and smiled.
"What was that about -- the `other twin' business?"
"Ah -- I was feeling guilty about looking like I loved Lexxy more than Marc. She says it would be abnormal if it was different. I don't think I love Lex more! I -- just -- well, he seems to love me -- more." I said, and quickly added, "AND Marky seems to love you more."
"Ohhhh -- I don't know - - "
"Here, trade!" I said. We handed each other the boy we were holding. Immediately both boys put out their arms to go back! Gus shook his head and carried Lex back to our bedroom, out of sight of me. Both boys started to squirm and then scream. I followed them back to the bedroom and we did a group hug. The boys liked that! I kissed Lex on the cheek, then Gus and then Marc in quick succession. All three giggled. Gus met my eye and I felt that familiar spasm in my groin echoed in Gus's pants.
Nope! The boys are getting too smart! We won't be having sex in front of them any more. Lex might have been smaller, but both boys were learning things so fast! They now could sit reasonably still on our laps if we had a picture book to show them. They love Barney, and an old Grover book that I used to love when my dad would make his voice like Grover's. I don't even think they have ever seen Sesame Street. But if they ever do, they are gonna laugh that Grovers voice is just like their big brother imitates.
I put on some music. The boys love music! And they love to dance! You can dance as flamboyant as you like holding a baby! And the swishier you dance the better they like it! I danced all around the bedroom and then out into the hall and down to the living room.
"STOP!" Gus laughed. "You're gonna make him gay!" Then he followed me and we swished our way around the living room. Lex and Marky egged each other on in their giggling -- and -- well -- us too! When you're with kids, life can be carefree for a few minutes.
I plopped down on the couch with Lexxy on my chest. He grinned and stroked my face, laughing when he came to the sparse beard on my chin. I think it tickled his palm. I hugged him close. He stayed there momentarily and I could swear I felt him say, "I love you, Cole!" He looked almost dreamy, and tried to suck on my hairless titty. Finding no nourishment there, he lay his head on my chest and sighed. I was not ready for him to go to sleep. And Mom would not appreciate that. So I jumped up with him in my arms, and we started all over again. They could sleep later -- while we ate dinner. Mom WOULD appreciate that!
"My dad never played with me like this." Gus said. He looked a little awkward as he aped what I was doing with the kids.
"I'm sure my dad did, but I've been doing this with Jazzy's kids for years."
"You're so lucky to have older brothers!"
"Yeah. Too bad they didn't teach me how to be straight!" I said. Gus looked hurt. "No! GUS! I wouldn't change anything now!"
"But if you had it to do over, you'd be straight?" He asked.
"That's hard to decide. That's assuming we'd have a choice! I'm not sure we would."
"I'm sure we wouldn't!" He said. "It was never a choice for me. I always liked guys. Even before I knew that I wanted -- more, I still wanted to be closer to guys than I was supposed to. And I had to keep it a secret. That was the worst part."
"You see?" I cried. "Who would choose that? The worst part for me wasn't so much keeping it a secret -- but -- not being able to touch people -- guys -- in the way I wanted. All the other guys loved touching girls and more. I loved the attention that I got because I dated all the popular girls. I sometimes wonder why no one wondered why I never went steady with any. But I never got to touch who I really wanted to!"
"Yeah." Gus said. "I wanted to touch you!"
"Well, at least you got to touch the other footballer's asses!" I laughed.
"And don't think I didn't like that! Even better was when they touched mine! Coach would not only slap my butt, but he'd squeeze it too. God I loved him!"
"Really? He squeezed your butt? I said. "Coach?"
"Yah! It was nothing to him. A slap was a go get em' thing. A squeeze was more of a reassurance. I think he did that to the other guys. I think he knew my dad was a jerk. Even thought my dad supported me the most when I was playing football. Coach knew all the guys pretty well. He could tell."
"Wow! I had teachers that I admired -- all men by the way -- but no one that took that kind of interest in me. I would have given my left nut to have one of them squeeze my butt!"
"Left nut huh? That might balance you out: a right nut and a left eye!"
"Shut up!" I laughed. Whenever we laughed -- and the boys were in a good mood -- they giggled too.
"Coach came in to McD's last week. He was surprised to see me. I was kinda embarrassed, actually, but it's a summer job. He said he saw my dad somewhere. Dad told him I was living with another family. I don't know what story he gave him, but Coach looked understanding at me -- almost loving -- and he hugged me -- AND -- -- he squeezed my butt."
"What -- the other day? He squeezed your butt the other day?" I marveled. I'm so jealous!"
"Don't be. I used to fantasize that he was my dad." Gus got a faraway look.
"Didn't you want him to squeeze something else?" I asked.
"NO! I wished some of the other guys would though! Remember Lanny Isotrage? God, I had a crush on him! He once slapped my butt in the shower. Time stood still for me for a moment. No one else ever touched my naked butt! After that, I was worried I'd pop a big one whenever we showered together. That fascination lasted exactly about two weeks."
"Exactly about, huh?" I teased.
"Yeah. It was exactly about then that I thought I caught you nailing me across the quad."
"You probably did!" I averred.
"I kept telling myself the same thing, but my `self' wasn't buying it. But fantasizing about you sure provided me with a lot of jack-off material for a time. I hated you and loved you!"
"You hated me?" I said, shocked.
"Well, not exactly. All the guys on the team hated you." My mouth dropped. "They'd say, `What does she see in that queer!' We really hated that you dated the girls we wanted - well, that I pretended to want!"
"What? They called me a queer?" I was so surprised, and surprisingly -- to myself -- pissed!
"Cole! They called every guy that didn't play football a queer! Don't take it personally."
"Gus - - did you call me queer?" I wished I hadn't asked as soon as it came out of my mouth. He looked devastated.
"Only once, Cole. And I can remember it like it was yesterday. I said it and my whole body reacted like `Oh GOD, yes! Let him be queer!' After that, I didn't ever say it again. I tried to ignore it when they called other guys queer. But I now know that the deep down feeling I felt was anger -- anger and sorrow -- and the usual teen paranoia that someone might guess what I was thinking."
"Did your dad teach you to play football?"
"Nope. He didn't teach me anything!" He said bitterly. "Oh, when he figured out I had a natural talent for football, he all of a sudden took interest. He didn't give a shit about me! He just loved telling people that he was the dad of the star quarterback of Downey High! He very quickly lost interest when I didn't get a football scholarship!"
We put the boys on the floor and I hugged Gus. But our embrace was short-lived because Lexxy started to scream. We looked down and Marc had a death grip on his ear.
"You're post-a kick him in the nuts when he does that, Dude!" Gus said to Lex as he picked him up and handed him to me. Marky giggled. I held my little boy close.
"Don't pay any attention to him!" I said to Lex. That's how footballers do things!" I crooned. Gus laughed and of course both boys did too. Lex sighed and lay his head in the crook of my neck. Again I started to spin and dance. It was not nap time yet!
When Randy came home from school, and saw us dancing with the boys, he took Lexxy from me. Lexxy clouded up and stretched his arms. Randy swung him as if to throw him back and landed him in my arms. He giggled, so we started to pass both boys in a relay fashion around the circle of the three of us. Music was still playing. I twirled away with Marc. He frowned until I brought him back and threw' him to Randy. We played and rough housed with them til Dad got home.
"How's my boys?" he said.
"They're spoiled little brats!" I laughed.
"I meant all of you!" He laughed, "But you still got it right!" When he said that, Gus had Lexxy and Randy was holding Marky, so dad hugged me. I whispered in his ear to squeeze Gus's butt. He looked shocked.
"I'll explain later," I whispered, "just do it." I took Lexxy from Gus and Dad hugged him -- and squeezed his butt. Gus closed his eyes and pulled Dad into a crunch hug.
"Man I love you, Dad!" Gus said, and he kissed Dad on the cheek. Dad turned red, but beamed. Then Gus took Marky back and Dad stepped up to Randy.
"So! You're leaving us tomorrow! I thought you might like this." He handed him one of those cards in the shape of a wallet. "That's to share with your brother!" I saw a stack of hundreds in the card. Tears came to Randy's eyes. He looked over at Gus and repeated,
"Man I love you, Dad!" He hugged Dad close.
"Where's your mother?" Dad asked.
She went out to get - " I was gonna say something about a special dinner, but thought better of it in case it was a secret. "-- something for dinner."
Jazz and Roddy walked in together, followed by both their families. Janie ran to me and jumped up to my available arm. She made a cute face at Lex. He pushed her away. "Janie, be careful!" Jazz said. Immediately there was total chaos as all the kids chased each other around in circles, and all of the adults talked at once.
I looked at Gus. He was beaming, holding his boy. I walked closer to him. Marc reached for Lex's ear. I guided his hand away from Lex's ear and put it around his back instead. We pushed them together, and placed their hands on each other's backs. They squirmed and pushed away. "Well, I guess THEY aren't gay!" Gus whispered. I giggled and was rewarded with the boys joining me.
"Guess not," I smiled, "unless of course they are just paranoid!"
The front door opened and mom backed in. holding 4 pizzas. "Boys," she said, looking at me Gus and me, "there are still some soft drink in the car. Will you get them for me?"
I was first out the door. As soon as I was around the corner I stopped and waited for my sweetie. He nearly ran me over. He caught me in his arms. "Wo! Babe! I didn't know you were -- what?" I grabbed him butt and squeezed it.
"MAN I love you, Gus!" I said, mimicking Gus and Randy but feeling and meaning every bit of it.
"MAN I love you, Cole!" he parroted back. We kissed deeply.
We grabbed the drinks and went back to the house. The twins had already forgotten that we were gone, and were playing with my older brothers. We ducked into the kitchen.
"Cole -- will you bless the food?" Dad said. Roddy made a face. "I know, we don't usually do it, but with Randy leaving us tomorrow, I could think of no one better than Cole to ask a blessing on the food -- and on Randy." I thought that Jazz looked a little hurt, but after all, I was the one that knew Randy better.
As soon as Lexxy heard my name his head was craning all around, looking for me. When he found me, his arms went out immediately. I didn't want him to cry during the blessing, so I took him from Jazz. I looked all around and bowed my head. I massaged his back as I prayed.
"Father in Heaven, We are so thankful for our family and all those that you have brought to us to lighten and brighten our lives. Especially with Randy leaving us tomorrow, we ask a special blessing on him and also on Curt, that they may have harmony and peace living together, and that they may learn from each other.
"We also thank you for all that you have given to us. Most of all we are thankful for the love that we have in our family. Please bless this food that it won't hurt us TOO bad! (I wasn't the only one to chuckle after I said that!) and that maybe we can get even some nourishment from it. In Jesus' name, amen."
"I wanna say one too!" Jazz's little 6-year-old, Jesse, said.
"Jesse, not this time!" Jazz hissed. "Later."
"That's okay," Dad said, "He can say it. I'm sure we can use all any blessing we can get!" We bowed again.
"Thanks for Mommy and Daddy. And also for Uncle Gus to take good care of Uncle Cole. Amen."
Jazz looked like he wanted to crawl in a hole, because Jesse had revealed one of their family concerns. "Thank you Jesse!" I said. "I am thankful for Gus too, and also that your family prays for us."
The quiet drone of the prayers had the effect of putting the twins to sleep. We carried them to our room and when Gus started to leave, I hung back. "C'mon babe! He said. Let's eat!" I reluctantly left the room. Gus started to close the door.
"No -- please leave it open." I said. He complied.
Randy was pretty behind in his school work when he came to live with us and even with all the help that Mom and Dad had given him, he wasn't all caught up yet. He should have graduated last year, but he didn't quite have enough credits even this year. He promised he would get his G.E.D. when he moved. He still looked about 15 -- not 19!
Gus excused himself to go to work -- he was closing again. I played with my nephews and niece while Mom and Dad got caught up with Jazz, Roddy and their families. They left about 9:00 and I was pretty tired, even though I had a nap earlier.
When I got into the bedroom, I immediately went to Lex's bed and listened carefully. Even breathing was all I heard. When I got my clothes off and hopped into bed, he sighed, and I jumped. I got up in the dark and listened again.
Still even breathing. I patted him. He sighed again. I picked him up. He stayed asleep, but snuggled against the warmth of my body, and put his face in the crook of my neck. I lay down with him in my arms and was soon asleep myself.
"Cole?" I felt a hand squeezing my arm. I looked up in the dark to see Gus kneeling by me. "You want me to put him to bed?" He whispered.
"No!" I whispered back urgently, then took a breath and repeated, "Naw, it's okay. I'll do it - - later."
That started a pattern of Lex sleeping with me. About a week later Gus said, "Cole, what are you doing? The boys were fine sleeping by themselves a month ago. Why are you holding him again?"
I didn't answer for a moment. He saw the look in my eye. "What's wrong, Cole? Is something the matter, baby?"
My eyes filled with tears. "Gus, I had a dream last week." I said hoarsely. "A bad dream! I dreamed that Lexxy died. I dreamed that he went to heaven. It was only a dream, I know, but it's been haunting me."
"Oh. Sweetie, in a few weeks we'll be going to Canada. You need to wean him from you again."
"I know. Do we really have to go?"
"Don't you want to?" I didn't answer. "I'll take that as a no." he said.
"NO! I mean - - I DO want to go, but - "
"Physician, heal thyself!" He said to me lovingly.
"I know. It's completely irrational."
"Talk to your mom."
"K." We remained silent for awhile, in our own thoughts. Then I said, "Rex was there."
Gus looked up, puzzled. "What?"
"In my dream. Rex was there -- in heaven. He was playing hide-and-seek -- or something -- with Lexxy."
"Really? What did he look like?"
"It was only a dream." I said.
"You don't remember?" He sounded quite disappointed. "You're dreams are always so detailed."
"I remember." I said. He waited. "He looked - - good. Perfect, actually."
"Wait a minute. He was playing hide-and-seek? With Lex? But Lex is just a baby.
"In my dream he was older -- at least a little. He could run and crawl. Rex looked older too -- about 30, I think. But I knew both of them. And both of them looked perfect. More than perfect. They were both dressed in brilliant white."
"You saw them in heaven?"
"Not exactly heaven -- it was at the funeral -- at the cemetery. It was in heaven later in the dream -- when I talked to God."
"Wow! You are so lucky to be able to dream like that."
"That's debatable!" I said.
"Trust me on this one." He said. "Cole -- did you touch Rex?"
"No." I said. I could tell it was still hard for Gus to talk about him. "It was across a lawn at the cemetery." I told him the whole dream.
"God, I loved him! I loved him when I broke up with him, and when he died." Gus was trying valiantly -- and successfully -- to hold in his tears.
"I know. Me too." I said. "He was -- well, you know he was my brother-from-another-mother. He was so sweet and so much fun -- always fun!"
"I KNOW!"
"I have an idea." I said.
"What?"
"You don't dream much, and - - you can't be hypnotized either, can you?"
"I've tried. Doesn't seem to work."
I had a friend in my psyche class two semesters ago who showed me something that could work for people resistant to hypnotism. He called it an RFA."
"RFA?"
"Relaxed Focused Attention."
"Oh. So this was before we got together?""
"Yes -- and he wasn't that kind of friend. Actually, in this RFA, I was trying to figure out why I was gay! I didn't tell HIM that. Anyway, he tried it on me. To me it was as real as some of my dreams. I was just thinking -- I wonder -- if he could do it with two of us!"
"Huh?"
"I mean -- if we could be somehow connected up in one RFA. When I did mine, there was no suggestion from my friend (he conducted the RFA)."
"Suggestion to what?"
"Sometimes in hypnotherapy suggestion is used to affect behavior. He did no exterior suggestion for me. It all came from me. But if I gave him a suggestion to plant -- or a few -- I winder if - "
"How come you never told me about this before?" Gus asked.
"Never thought about it. I just thought about it because of this thing with Rex and Lexxy."
"Hmm -- I dunno. I still don't think anything like that would work for me. Still sounds like hypnotism to me"
"It is, really. But you are not taken into a trance as in regular hypnosis. That's what many people are uncomfortable with."
"Tell me about the one you had."
"Hmm. Okay. Hold on, I have it written down here somewhere in my notes." I rummaged around in my psyche notes. It was easy to find because I had tagged it with a Post-it. "My friend Jon was the T.A. for the class. Here it is.":
Here's what happened. This is quite long, and there were actually long periods of silence in between each of his questions and my answers. My facilitator-friend is Jon.
Jon: "Okay, Cole, I want you to put your left brain on the table to your left. "
(The left brain is the one which is logic driven. It is the part of your brain which will say to you, when things don't seem possible, "This is a lot of baloney! This is just crap. This cannot be real!"
The right, and also the more creative side of the brain is the one that can be more open minded.)
I told Jon that I did as I was told. Easier said than done, as you will see. (Even I had a little trouble with that one suggestion.)
Jon: "Cole. You are here to try to come to an understanding of a problem, right?"
Cole: "Yes"
There were a bunch of rhetorical questions that would attempt to pacify my left brain, which was not anywhere close to "On the table" to my left. It was there telling me this was voodoo, and such. This took about 20 minutes. By this time I was pretty relaxed, which is the only actual proactive suggesting he did for me.
Jon: "Cole, I am going to count to three and snap my fingers. When I do this, something will occur to you or perhaps appear to you that has to do with your problem."
Cole: "Okay".
Jon: "One... Two... THREE!/SNAP!" ... What do you see.
I have to tell you here that I have always loved being hypnotized, and also believe that it really works. But what happened next went against all my training and prejudice.
Jon: (after some silence) "Cole? What happened? Can you tell me?"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "Is it a certain time?"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "Do you know when it is?"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "When is it?"
This was very hard for me to say, because my ol' left brain was screaming by now, "NO NO NO NO! CAN"T BE! IMPOSSIBLE!"
Cole: "It is before I was born"
Jon: "Omigod!" ( aside to my classmate, Barry, who was there as an observer and for my own wellbeing, Jon said, "This is a surprise!") Then back at me, "It was before you were born?"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "Do you know where you are?"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "Where are you?"
Cole: "The pre-existance." (DUH!)
Jon: "Is anyone else there?"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "Do you know who it is?"
Cole: "There are many."
Jon: "How many?"
Cole: "Millions."
Jon: "Do you know or recognize anyone?"
Cole: "Yes, many."
Jon: "Okay, Cole, I am going to snap my fingers again, and at that time there will be something or someone who will be relevant to your problem. One... Two... THREE/SNAP! What do you see?"
Cole: "Someone standing in front of me."
"Gus, I have to explain to you, that in this state, Jon was talking directly to my subconscious. The subconscious does not justify or think around a situation. It answers any question simply and to the point. So if asked a yes/no question, it will only say yes or no. It will not justify the answer as we almost always do in the conscious state. And it answers the exact question, and not the implied question. The last question, if asked, who' do you see, I probably would have told him who it was. But his question and my answer required another question. And -- in reality, it might have been a leading question if he said who' at first. He asked "what" I saw on purpose.
Jon: "Do you know who it is?"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "Who is it?"
Cole: "Lucifer."
Jon: "You mean SATAN?!"
("Again I could tell he was surprised, Gus. You see, I was relaxed with my eyes closed this whole time, but still I was completely awake.)"
At least you THINK you were!" Gus interjected.
"You're gonna have to trust ME on this one!" I said. "Back to the RFA:"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "What does he look like?"
Cole: "He's beautiful."
Jon: "Describe him to me."
Cole: "He is tall, VERY good looking, with blond, curly hair." I was starting to be noticeably emotional.
Jon: "How do you feel about him?"
Cole: "I love him."
Jon: (Aside to Barry again -- "Wow!") "What's the emotion about, Cole?"
Cole: "We are saying good bye."
Jon: "Why are you so motional?"
Cole: "Because we won't see each other again, and I love him."
Jon: "Why won't you see him any more, Cole?"
Cole: "He's being cast out."
Jon: "Cast out of where?"
Cole: "This is the presence of God. We are in the presence of God."
Jon: "I want you to try something for me, Cole. When I snap my fingers, you will be in Lucifer's consciousness, looking out at yourself. One... Two... THREE/SNAP! Are you there?"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "You said you love him. Does he love you, Cole?"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "Why does he love you, Cole?"
Cole: "Because I love him."
Jon: "All right. Now I want you to come back into your own consciousness."
He didn't have to say that. I already seemed to be there. "Are you there?"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "Lets try something else. On my snap, See if you can put yourself in front of Jesus" 123SNAP! "Are you there?"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "Do you love him?"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "As much as you love Lucifer?"
Cole: "No."
Jon: (Aside to Barry: "Omigosh!") "Can you tell me why, Cole?"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "Tell me why, Cole."
Cole: "I don't know him as well."
Jon: "(Whew) See if you can put your consciousness into Jesus, Cole. 1-2-3SNAP! Are you there?"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "Does he love you, Cole?"
Cole: "Yes."
Jon: "Why?"
Cole: "Because I'm me."
Jon: "What do you mean?"
Cole: "He loves me just because I'm me, and not because I love him in return." Then my consciousness went back into myself.
"That's all I have written, Gus. It was all but over."
"Oh. What did you learn from it? Didn't you say you were trying to find out why you are gay?"
"Oh! Well, yeah, but I -- I dunno. I couldn't quite make the connection. At first -- but no, I couldn't believe that."
"You couldn't believe what?"
"It sounds too stupid to even repeat. But I thought maybe it was that Satan was gay or something." Gus made a face. "See!!?? I told you it was stupid!"
"So why is it you want to do this with me, now?"
"I -- just -- wonder. I know that I did not actually GO to this pre-existant state. But I really do think that Jon was able to extract something from my subconscious memory -- or my spiritual memory. What other explanation is there for me to start remembering things before I was born?"
"I don't have any idea. But that would not be MY question." He paused and my silence told him my next query. "I am wondering why you wrote all that down. You must have learned something or -- I KNOW you -- you wouldn't have written it down.
"Well, I -- well, yeah, I guess I did. First it surprised me as much as Jon that I knew Satan so well in the pre-existence. That he was so handsome should be no surprise. He was an angel of light, after all."
"He was?"
"It's in the Bible -- yes. But I also learned that -- well, that I lived before I came here -- in God's presence. And Satan was there too -- and Jesus."
"You really believe that?"
"Uh-huh. Well, I do now!"
"Anything else?" Gus asked.
"Umm -- well, yes. That I still want to love Satan, that he loves me only for what he can get from me -- love in this case -- and that Jesus loves me for no other reason than I am his brother. Also I felt NO condemnation in his presence -- none! Only love."
"So - - you think that really happened?"
"I think that the RFA called on my spiritual memory."
"That's so -- well, - yeah! Bizarre. Oh! I don't doubt you believe it. But you have to admit -- it's out of the ordinary!"
"Yeah, I know. That's why I don't talk about it much."
"Why have you never mentioned it to me?"
"I dunno. Just never came up, I guess."
"You weren't' worried about my reaction, were you?"
"Not consciously. No! It wasn't anything I even thought about `til I was reminded of it today." I paused and looked deeply into Gus's eyes. "So -- can I call Jon?" I asked pensively.
"I don't care." He said, looking away.
"Ok." I said, knowing I sounded disappointed. "I won't call."
"No, Babe! It's okay, if you want to do it."
"I wanted YOU to want it. I'm not gonna bother Jon unless you really want to do it."
Notes: The RFA was real. It was mine, some years ago. Comments are always welcome. To Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com Thanks and love, Steve