This is a work of pure fiction, based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of Characters:
Cole Alexander Stephanson IV -- Our hero
Jazz -- (Jack Zachary) Coles oldest brother
Diane -- Jazz's wife
Rod -- Coles middle brother
Igor (Iggy) -- Cole's Tutoring Pupil
Cole Alexander Stephanson III -- Coles Dad
Ethyl Stephanson -- Cole's mom
Rex Remlin-- Rod's best friend
Gus Hartwin -- Cole's Boyfriend
Michelle -- Cole's old girlfriend.
Dexter -- Iggy's boyfriend
Ed -- Paramedic
Manolo -- Paramedic
Steve -- Manolo's boyfriend
Randy -- Found Boy
Curtis -- Found boy's brother
Kian Willis -- Friend in Vancouver
Nicolas Poole-- Friend in Vancouver
Howard Poole -- Nicolas's Father
Christian -- the pool guy
Boyd -- the pilot
Chapter 27
"This feels weird." I said, as Gus turned the Pontiac into the parking lot of the registration building.
"What's that, Sweetie?"
"Only one semester off, and it feels like I'm starting all over again."
"Why -- because you're changing your major?"
"I don't -- think -- so. Being off -- just feels like -- I dunno! I've gotten so used to NOT studying. I feel like the first time I stepped on a college campus. Almost a scary feeling."
"It'll be okay, Babe!"
"Wow!" I said.
"What?"
"All of a sudden it came back -- like a flood."
"What?" Gus sounded really perplexed.
"That's what Iggy called me -- Babe!" I said. "All this time you have called me that , and walking on to this campus again and it just now hit me."
"Do you miss him?"
"No!" I retorted. "Well, yeah. But not in that way. "I wonder how he is doing. I wonder if he stayed with his old boyfriend he went back with. Gosh! Remember our 3-somes?"
"I'm trying not to." He sounded humorously pained.
"Gus! I liked them, but - I don't want that! I just got a funny feeling -- in this place -- when you called me `Babe'. That's all. Don't you wonder about him? If not for Iggy, we wouldn't be together!"
"He WAS pretty cool, I guess. What a neat freak!"
"Ig was the one that kinda redeemed me from that `Born Again' crap."
"I didn't know you changed your belief."
"Oh I really didn't -- except for refining it and getting rid of the crap. I mean -- I still feel I'm born again, but -- I just don't believe some of the crap they try to convince us of."
"Guess I missed out on that."
"Well, like the Baptists not letting their members dance. It isn't anywhere in the scriptures. Also that crap about no masturbation. They used snippets of scriptures to prove so much of their hogwash. I always study the whole scripture -- in the context it was written. I don't believe they were meant to be taken out of context."
"I suppose not." Gus said idly.
"You don't have any idea what I'm talking about do you, Gus?"
"Not even a clue. Sorry. Do you want me to?"
"I dunno. My parents never really believed in the same things."
"But they must have believed in the same basic principles. I mean of treating people well, and honesty and all."
"They did. And I believe pretty much the same too -- in that way. And I also believe that they will not be lost just because they don't know -- today -- about Jesus."
"What about him?"
"Jesus -- well, what I believe is -- He died for our sins. And if we live a good life -- then we can live in heaven with him after we die. That's what he said. But we have to believe in him -- that he did die for us -- and that he paid for our sins in the garden before he was crucified."
"Oh."
"I'm boring you, aren't I?"
"No! Not really. I just -- well, I don't know this stuff, so it's hard to respond. Please go on. I'm listening. Um -- I thought that Jesus and the Father -- and um - - the Holy Ghost, is it -- aren't they the same person?""
"That's another thing that I think is crap. I have studied the New Testament a lot. Especially after I met Iggy. Look." I got my bible out and turned to a marked place. "Okay it's in here somewhere. Sorry I'm not really good at this. Oh! Yeah! Here it is! John 17. Read this!"
He read it. "What am I supposed to be reading? It sounds like a prayer. Is it Jesus praying?"
"Yes! That's one of my points. Who is he praying to? Himself? But look closer. He keeps talking about everyone becoming one. He's talking to his Father', and asking that everyone will be one. That the apostles will be one with him and their followers will be one with them! And he says several times, praying to his Father, as I am in you and you are in me'. I can't see how anyone can mistake that. The way Jesus is one with the Father and the Holy Ghost -- is in purpose and in belief. It's so obvious!
"And no where else does the Bible talk about them being one. Yet some panel of priests or something decided -- somewhere in the dark ages -- that this meant that they were all the same person. I don't see it that way!"
"Hah! So you think that you know more than those early intellectuals?"
"Those early intellectuals were the same generation where there were nunneries with all those babies -- buried in the basements of the convents. How good WERE those priests. Supposedly they were the ones getting the nuns pregnant."
"Interesting theory."
"Yeah, Well it's enough to cast a shadow on something they TELL us to believe -- something that doesn't agree with the scriptures as I see it!"
"Wow, you can get pretty excited about this!"
"I used to just accept all that crap. But Iggy taught me to study it out a little more. I don't just trust everything some preacher says -- anymore."
"Oh. So -- you used to?"
"Well, at least the ones I was hearing."
"What do they say -- or the Bible say -- about us?"
"You mean being gay?"
"Yeah."
"I haven't made up my mind yet."
"Heh! YOU haven't made up your mind what the Bible says?" He said with a chuckle.
"Laugh if you want! If you go to 10 different churches -- even some from the same denomination -- you will hear 10 different meanings of the same scripture passage. You really have to figure it out for yourself."
"Okay. Then back to my first question. What do THEY say -- the preachers."
"Some say its sin -- evil. Others say it's a choice, and we're free to choose. Some say that the scriptures have been altered."
"Oh. What do you think, Professor?"
"Oh, stop! I don't know. Paul seems pretty clear in his condemnation of it. But -- he also condemns every other form of sin -- from stealing to adultery to murder."
"So -- you believe it is sin?"
"I DUUNO!" I shouted, frustrated. "Sorry. I can't find a justification for being gay in the Bible. But -- I also can't feel that my love for you -- or the strong NATURAL urges I feel when you are near me -- are evil! I just can't! And I certainly don't feel that it is a choice! It's no more my choice to be gay than it was my choice to be male."
"You don't like being male, either?"
"STOP it! I told you I am not sure about this issue. I didn't say I don't like being male - - OR gay! What I DO like -- LOVE -- is that I can be with you. If I never understand where that fits in God's wishes, I'll be satisfied. I DO feel though -- no matter what it is -- that I may do a lot of things that are not exactly what Jesus would do -- but that he paid the price for my doing them -- if I believe it or not. Some say, `All you have to do is believe'. That doesn't make sense either." I took a break to try to see if I was boring Gus too much. He still looks interested!
"So I'll do the best I can, love everyone I can, and hope that that's enough. Mostly right now I'm tired of talking about it, and I just want you to know that I will always love you, and I know there's nothing evil in that!"
"If there is then I'm as evil as they come - - and lovin' every minute of it!"
"Me too. Oh look! They're opening the doors. Lets jam!" I said. I love the Lord, and usually love talking about it, but I was glad the doors opened.
Registration was a breeze. We were the first there, and it was well organized. Gus and I got three classes together, and the others were at least pretty well timed so we didn't have too much wait time for each other.
As soon as we were back in the Pontiac, he said, "Getting back to what we were talking about earlier - " (I sighed) " -- do you know any way to get hold of Iggy?"
Thank goodness. I was afraid he wanted to ask me more about my religious beliefs! "Your guess is as good as mine. Didn't they go back to some university -- Colorado -- or something?"
Changing the subject again, Gus said, "When's your mom gonna have those twins?" Gus asked. "She looks ready to burst!"
"She never complains, so I don't think about it. She's had three already, so maybe she's used to it."
"I wonder if twins are easier to have."
"Dunno. They're usually smaller babies."
"Why did they not want to know what the sexes are?"
"Aw, I think my mom wants to hope for a girl up to the end, is all. If she found out it was boys, she wouldn't have that hope."
"Is that Dr. Stephenson talking, or were you told that?"
"Heh! Dr. Stephenson, I guess. I know my mom pretty well, by now. And it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out she wants a girl!"
"What do you want?" Gus asked me.
"Doesn't really matter. It'll be whatever it'll be."
"Yeah, but what would you prefer?"
"Aw, okay! I would love to have a little brother! But I hope there's one of each!"
At that, Gus really perked up. "Yeah, I suppose, but if it weren't for your mom's feelings -- Man! It would be so fun if they were identical boys! And Cole, you KNOW -- looking at you and your brothers, they will be the cutest little boys in the world!"
"You're prejudiced!"
"I wasn't prejudiced when I was in high school!"
"So you said. I thought you said that just because of my mom telling you that I had a poster of you in my bedroom!"
"Cole! I wasn't lying! I watched your every move -- when you were around! Why else would I have remembered your complete name when we met in the dorm last fall?"
"Yeah, being a nobody, I can't think of any other reason you'd remember me!"
"Awww! You weren't a nobody! I wasn't the only one who noticed you!"
"Maybe not, but all the rest were girls."
"As far as you know!"
"Well, anyway, I'm glad YOU noticed." I pecked him on the cheek. "Oh shit, those punks in the pickup next to us saw that!"
"Cole! Such language!"
"I'm not kidding. They look nasty!"
"He's gunning his engine. What a jerk! Does he really expect -- oh, that's right, this baby kicks ass doesn't it?"
"It does! But we don't need to - " At that time the light changed. The pickup truck burned rubber, and the guy riding shotgun was giving us the finger. That was more than Gus could handle. He put his foot to the floor. My big 4500 pound antique shot out ahead of them with ease. When we hit 60, (in a 35!) I yelled at Gus, "Hey! Lets not get you a ticket!"
He slowed down, and the pickup truck pulled up beside us. He swerved over into our lane. Gus swerved to miss them and pressed the pedal to the metal again. We shot back to the lead. They were gaining on us when we saw the flashing red light. The cop pulled them over then got behind us. Gus pulled over. The cop rolled his window down. Gus said, "Those guys were harassing us!"
"I saw the whole thing. Wait here." The cop said. He flipped a u and went back to the guys in the truck. He said something to them and then came back to us. He wasn't with them long enough to write a citation. He pulled up behind us and stopped. He got out and walked up to my window. I opened it. I noticed the other guys were still there.
"You guys okay?" He said.
"Thanks, officer." Gus said. I was - "
"Spare me the story, kid. I told you I saw the whole thing. I'd write you a ticket for exhibition of speed and street racing, but I've been watching those other guys pretty closely. They harass anybody and everybody they can. I'm gonna let you off with a warning, kid. Actually a couple. First, (looking at Gus) Control your driving. You look like a good kid. Don't fuck up your record because of some jerks."
Then he turned his attention to me. "And you need to be a little careful where you kiss your pal here!" I felt a cold wind blow through me. "I don't want anything bad to happen to you - - Cole!"
My eyes widened as he dropped his dark glasses. "Shee-yit!" Gus said. "Spike! What the - "
"So - - you two finally got together!"
Gus's mouth dropped! Spike was one of the most testosterone driven jocks -- well, besides Gus -- in our class. But Gus was just talented -- not so flashy and show off as Spike. "What -- what do you mean, Finally?" Gus blustered.
"I saw you checking out Stephanson!"
"What?" I said. "You KNOW me?"
"Know you?" Spike said. "Everyone knew you! But I don't think everyone noticed how you drilled Hartwin every time he walked by! But I noticed!"
I was dumbfounded. I sat there with my mouth hanging open. "See?" Gus said. "I told you I wasn't the only one that noticed you!"
"Stephanson, I didn't only notice you, I wished you would notice me! I had such a crush on you!"
I didn't think my mouth could open any more, but it did. Flustered, I said, "Umm -- shouldn't you get back to those guys back there?"
"Those guys are jerks. They can wait. Well, I didn't mean to make either of you uncomfortable. HAH! Fuck yes I did! And it was a blast. And Hartwin," He made the thumbs up sign, "SCORE!" He grinned.
Finally Gus found his voice. "Spike -- you mean -- people knew?"
"Naw! Only guys like me. Takes one to know one, you know? And really, I didn't know. But I was wondering -- hoping -- even dreaming!"
"But I had no idea about you!" Gus said.
"I guarded it with my life! One time in junior high, I got a fucking woody in the showers after a hard practice. The guys really laughed, and some of them made faces, but I woulda knocked anyone's head off if he woulda made any remark! It was forgotten. Well, not by me! I never let on to another human until after high school."
"Do you have a -- a -- boyfriend -- now?" Gus asked.
"Naw. I had one a year ago, but I found he was fucking every guy he could. I dumped his ass!"
"I know that feeling!" Gus said.
"I guess since he's dead now - "
"What? Dead? Who was it?"
"Do you remember a guy a few years ahead of us -- Rex - "
"Remlin!" Gus said. "We were just talking about him."
"Man! What a way to - "
"Rex was MY boyfriend, too, Spike! I broke up for the same reason!"
"I was one of the officers who cut him down from the goal post. It was all I could do to not lose it in front of all those people and my buddies."
"Kee-Rap!" Gus cried.
"Man, That was the first suicide I ever had to cut down. Man strangling really fucks with a guys face!"
"It wasn't only strangling, Spike."
"What?"
"He had AIDS. He was in the last stages when he hanged himself."
"Oh. Wow." He said, then he got a horrified look. "No -- no - no shit? AIDS!?? Oh, CRAP! Oh Shit!"
"Oh, man, you been checked recently?" I said gently.
"Oh Shit! No! Never! Oh shit! I better get back to those jerks! Oh fuck! Oh shit!" he stopped. "Sorry. I just -- CRAP! See you guys later."
"Let us know how you make out, Spike."
He turned around and seemed to be slumped over as he walked to the other car. We took off as he was getting out his ticket book.
"Oh my God, Cole! I hope Spike is -- is -- is okay! Maybe we didn't know how lucky we are! Wow!"
"Duh!" I said. Gus looked almost sick.
"That bastard!" Gus spat out.
"He got around didn't he?" It wasn't really a question. "You think Spike will call us and tell us what's going on?"
"Dunno. Funny thing is, we really never got along very well. He was kind of a hard ass -- you know -- mean."
"Maybe his way to ward off any suspicion." I said.
We pulled into the garage. Dad's car wasn't there, but that was not unusual. Still, something didn't feel right. When we got into the house, I called for my mom.
"She's not here." Said Randy. "Your dad just followed her to the hospital."
"Oh! The babies are coming!" I said excitedly. "Wait a minute1 What do you mean, my dad was `following'?"
"She was in the ambulance."
It was about this time my cell phone rang. Dad's number shown on the display. "Hello? Dad?"
"Cole! I tried to call earlier, but you must have been out of service or something. You mom started hemorrhaging, and I got home the same time as the ambulance. We're almost to Downey Community."
"We'll be right there!" I hung up the phone. "Get in the car guys! We're going to the Hospital."
"I don't wanna go! Please? I hate hospitals!" Randy said.
"Mom would appreciate it, Randy." I said.
"No -- please!" he begged. "Bad things always happen when I go to the hospital. I don't wanna be there!"
"Let's go, Gus!" I commanded. I was not gonna take any excuses from him. For a change, I drove, because Gus didn't know the way. We were there in 5 minutes.
I ran into emergency with Gus trailing 2 steps behind. I asked and they sent us up to labor and delivery. Dad was in the father's waiting room. "Dad." I whispered.
"Cole! Sit down." We sat. He remained standing.
"Is Mom - - okay?" I asked.
"She lost a lot of blood. They're trying to -- to - " He broke down for a moment, then regained his composure. "Trying to save her, now."
"How are the boys?" Gus said.
"The boys?" dad looked incredulous.
The babies. How are they?" Said Gus.
"How did you know they were boys."
"I didn't. It was a mistake."
"It IS boys, Gus. They haven't told me. I don't care. I just want them to -- to -- save your mom!" He sat down hard and put his hands over his face.
"Dad -- she's gonna be okay." I said quietly.
"I -- I -- hope so." He whispered. He sat back, closed his eyes, and blew out a heaving sigh.
"Dr. Red. Dr. Red to L and D!" Came over the P.A system. We heard several doors slam. After what seemed like an eternity, a doctor appeared at the waiting room door.
"Mr. Stephanson, can you come to a consultation room?" It was obvious that he had bad news.
Dad could tell that the news was not good. "Can my boys come too?"
The doctor looked us both up and down and then said, "Sure."
We followed him to a room with several chairs and a window. He closed the door and pulled the shade on the window.
Gus and I sat. But dad again remained standing. "Please take a seat, Mr. Stephanson."
"I can't. Just tell me -- er -- us."
"It doesn't look good, sir." The doctor said empathetically.
Dad perked up at that. "So - - she's - " his voice trailed off,
"She's alive, sir. But," he paused to let this sink in. "but it's only the machines that are keeping her that way."
Dad slumped into the chair. He stared straight ahead. "She doesn't want that." He said. "What - " his voice broke. He cleared his throat and willed himself to continue. "What are her chances, Doctor?"
"Mr. Stephanson. She lost so much blood. She has lost consciousness. She probably won't be able to regain it. I'm so sorry." He let that sink in then, "You said she didn't want to have her life artificially extended?"
Without emotion of any kind, Dad said, "Not if there is no chance of - "
"I'm sorry, sir. I don't want to press you. Take your time to deal with this blow. When you're ready, there are some papers to sign."
"Bring the papers." Dad said woodenly.
We all sat in stunned silence as we waited for the doctor to come back. When he came back, the doctor said, "These are releases -- to give us leave to disconnect your wife from life support. Did you want to see the babies first, or - "
"No!" Dad said with venom. He calmed down again. "I'm thinking of putting them up for adoption." He said matter-of-factly.
"NO!" Both Gus and I shrieked. "Dad, no, please. We'll take care of them All four if us. We can do it! It's all we have left of mom."
"I don't think - " Dad started.
"The twins are pretty small, sir." Said the doctor. "They will require being in the nursery for at least a week -- maybe two. You have time to make that decision. Why don't we put you all in a room with your wife before we disconnect her. It's sometimes comforting to the family to be there. And sometimes to the patient."
"Okay." Dad said.
"It will be about 45 minutes to prepare a room."
"Okay."
"Dad. Randy didn't want to come. He's had some bad experiences at hospitals. Should we see if he wants to be there with us?"
"I don't want to force him, but you make that decision with him. Jazz and Rod are on their way." Then he added, "Doctor, Can I go to her now? Can I wait with her while you make the room ready?"
"Sure. There are no real rules. Your son's may want to be with her too. We just find that for the family, it is easier to have a more private place to -- wait."
"No," Dad answered. "They want to get their brother at home -- if he wants to come."
"This way, Mr. Stephanson. If she had an advance directive, it will make it easier."
"We both do -- on file at this hospital."
"We better call Randy." Gus said.
"I don't wanna call him. I think we better just go home and tell him. There's plenty of time."
As we were leaving to go home, my brothers arrived together. They looked at me. "That bad, huh?" Jazz said.
That was the first I noticed that I had been crying. I don't even know when I started. "Yeah. I have to go home to get Randy. No time to tell you the whole story. Jazz, Dad's pretty broken up -- of course -- maybe you better ask the doctor for an explanation."
"What's his name?"
"Not sure. Go to labor and delivery and ask for Mom's doctor."
"K."
I ran to the car and jumped in the passenger seat. Gus was right on my heels. "Drive carefully, Sweetie." Was all I said.
I don't even remember the drive home. When we stopped, Gus went running and then, seeing I was in a stunned trance, came back and opened my door. "C'mon Babe, we'll tell him together."
We got to the door, it opened slowly and Randy was standing there looking scared. "It's bad, ain't it?"
"Yes."
"I knew it! Everywhere I go I mess up people's life." He ran to his room. We followed. He was crying on his bed. I lay next to him, and Gus sat on the bed and stroked his head.
I hugged him. "Randy, you had nothing to do with this! NOTHING! My mom was -- pretty old to have more children. We're all upset -- well, more than upset. Here's the bottom line. She's dying, Randy, and - "
"NOOooo!" He cried. "Why does everyone leave me?"
"Noooo, Randy. We are still here. We love you! Dad loves you. And Mom loves you too. But she soon may be in another place. She'll love you from there. Just like Curtis. He's not right here. But he loves you just the same. Randy, we all want you to be with us when -- when they take Mom off the machines. She doesn't want to be attached to machines if they won't make her better."
" Can I talk to her?"
"Of course."
"Will she know I'm talking?"
"No one knows that, Baby. But we all may want to talk to her. Somehow, I feel she WILL hear it."
"K."
We hurried to the car. I felt "together enough" to drive again. I drove slowly and carefully. When we got there, Dad, Jazzy and Roddy were all in the waiting room. As soon as we walked in, Randy ran to dad and buried his face in his body. They rocked back and forth. Gus and I found a couch to sit on. Randy sat by my dad more like a little preteen boy might have.
We were involved in talking about the circumstances that brought us together. Jazz said, "Dad, what will you do with the twins?"
"I don't know, Jazz. I can't seem to think clearly about that right now." Jazz was always the practical one in the family. Being a mathematician, he seems to be wired that way.
"I was thinking that it might be good to consider letting us adopt them. Thye probably need a mother in their life."
"I'd rather not think of that at the moment, Jazz."
I held my tongue. I so wanted Gus and me to be a big part of these little boys' lives. I didn't want Dad to adopt them out. Not to just anyone. But I had to agree with Jazz. They would need a mother. Lots of kids have been raised by their fathers, but it's still better if there are both mother and father in their life. It was questionable in my mind if Jazz's less than perfect marriage was one to send them to, but --
"Mr. Stephanson?" A pretty nurse appeared. "Your wife is ready in a private room. There is room for your family. If more come, we can bring more chairs in. It's a large room. Please follow me."
We all were brought back to stunned reality. We arose and woodenly followed her to the elevator and then to the room that was prepared for us to say goodbye to my mom. Mom was slightly propped up and hooked up to several machines. One was to keep her heart going. Another was to assist he lungs. Also another was a feeding tube. Then there were others hooked up as monitors.
"The doctor will be in shortly." She told us, and quietly left us to ourselves. No one spoke. The only sound was the whirring of the machines.
"Good evening." The doctor addressed us. "We have reviewed you wife's and mother's advance directive, which she filed with the hospital some time ago. She wishes to not be artificially kept alive if in the opinion of the medical staff that there is little or no chance of her surviving. It has been determined that this is the case. In a few moments, we will disconnect the machines and remove them from the room."
"Thank you Doctor." Dad said, trying to sound warm.
When we were alone again with Mom, without all the machines in the way, she seemed to be breathing pretty normally without the machines. One at a time, we sat near her head and talked to her. Each of us was given space to do this. It was done by seniority, except Dad wanted to be last. When it was my turn,
"Mom," I started. I gasped for air, as I took a sobbing breath. "Oh, Mom, How can I say all I feel? You have been the best mother in the world. I know that your youngest -- before the twins -- has given you a lot of challenges, disappointments and problems. I hope that you have been as happy in the end as you seemed to be lately. Thank you so much for accepting my way of life into your own. I know that must not have been easy, but your love superseded everything, Mom. I love you so much."
I gave her a long hug, crying and almost climbing on top of her. When I left her embrace, it almost seemed she clung to me a little.
After me was Gus and then Randy. Randy sobbed the most. He couldn't talk, but his emotions were enough. Then it was Dad's turn.
Notes. The author has been in attendance in a similar room with a similar audience. I know the emotions that are at the surface when you know that your loved one is dying and has minutes to live. All other considerations flee. We hope that our loved ones will be in a better place when they leave this existence. Please address any comments to: stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve