As Cole sat at his desk recounting all that had occurred in his life up to this point, he shivered a little. It was Late October and sometimes it got a little cool in Southern California this time of year. But this was not the case this year. It was an uncharacteristically hot October. He was thinking of the encounter he had had earlier that day at school:
"Hey!" Cole was brought out of his thoughts, while studying in the library by a whisper. He looked around where it came from. There was a guy he had noticed once or twice from his anatomy class. It was a lecture class, with open seating, with perhaps 75 people in it. Cole wasn't always even present, as he was very familiar with the subject.
"Hello." Cole whispered back. He was looking at a guy of about medium height, with sandy blond hair and ice blue eyes.
"Aren't you in my anatomy class?" He spoke again, and it was obvious this guy was not born in the United States. Cole guessed somewhere in Russia.
"Yes, I've seen you before. How's it going?"
"Okay, I guess. I noticed you the first day, and thought I recognized you. Then I realized that you just look like someone I went to high school with. But I've also noticed that you are often not in class."
"Yeah. I hate falling asleep in class!" I said, and I laughed -- a little too loud. Then again whispering, "It just gets so boring sometimes, and I know that crap already anyhow."
"Ohhhh. I was hoping that was the case." He said.
"You were?" I intoned. My neck was getting stiff from looking up at him. "Hey -- sit." I said, craning and popping my neck. I expected him to sit two chairs away, leaving some space between us. He took the one next to me. I expected him to slide it away from me a little. He didn't.
"Yeah!" he said after sitting. His nose was almost touching mine. This guy was definitely invading my space. I felt uncomfortable. I tried to move my chair away, but it was already against the table leg. "I guess this crap comes pretty easy to you, then. I have a hard time remembering the difference between a fibula and a tibia."
"Oh! Well, a fibula is - "
"Naw! It's not quite that bad. I was just making a point. It doesn't come that easy to me."
"Well, obviously you are also learning a new language at the same time." I said. This time it was he that laughed out loud. There were a couple shushes.
"I grew up in San Bernardino!" When my eye brows arched up he continued. "We speak only Russian at home, so I still retain my accent. I was born in Dokshitsy, in Belarus, but we came here when I was six."
"Oh. You parents haven't learned English, then?" I said, consciously trying to not sound accusing.
"Oh! Fock no! They were educated in England themselves! We just don't want to lose our language, so we speak it at home.
"Oh. Cool!" I said.
"The reason I wanted to talk to you is I am having trouble in that class. I was hoping you were maybe missing because you knew it so well. Would you consider taking on a student? You know as my tutor?"
I sat back and took a deep breath. "I don't know. I'm not sure I'm quite qualified. And I'm not sure it would work into my sched - "
"I can pay you!" He said. "Please consider it. Where is your dorm?"
I was immediately embarrassed. I could not afford to live in a dorm. I commuted from Downey every day. "I don't live in a dorm. I live at home -- you know with my parents!" Whispering made it come out more bitter than I meant it.
"Oh! Wow! I wish I could do that. I live just far enough to not be able to commute, but close enough that I go home on weekends. And by Friday, believe me, I am ready to go home."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, it gets lonely here during the week."
"You don't get along with your roommates?"
"I live in a 2 bed room, and I don't have a roommate."
"Oh wow! A little privacy! That must be sweet!
"You think? I liked it for about a week. So -- how about it -- you wanna tutor me?"
"My schedule is pretty full, dude. I'd -- I wouldn't mind, but with commuting every day, I - "
"Hey! You could stay with me for awhile!" He brightened up like the sun just came out."
"Let me think about it, k?"
"Well, what can I say. But please, it's getting critical." His nose wrinkled up and I almost laughed. Then it hit me: I never do anything crazy! "Okay!" I said.
His face didn't change expression. "Huh? Okay -- what?"
"I'll do it!"
"Ummm -- just like that?"
"Yeah. I thought about it, and I'll do it!" I said. Immediately his eyes got glassy. "You okay?"
He had trouble speaking at first. "Yeah. It's just -- I was really worried -- first about maybe getting on scholastic probation, and then that you couldn't do it. Did you want to -- do it in a study room, your place or in my room?"
"I -- thought -- you just invited me to stay in your room for awhile -- while we studied together. Did I misunderstand you?"
"No. NO! Not at all! By the way, I'm Igor."
"Nice to meet you Igor. I'm Cole."
"Most people -- friends -- call me Iggy."
"Most people -- friends -- call me Cole." That elicited another laugh from him.
So that's how I got my first roommate. I had my older brother as a roommate when I was younger, but this was a new experience for me. I could never stay the night with other guys when I was young. I wet the bed until I was 13 1/2. Then one night I stopped and never did it again! It was about the same time as puberty, so maybe that had something to do with it.
"Mom, I'm gonna stay here at the university for a few weeks."
"Oh. That's nice, but how? Did you get a job? You know we'd rather you didn't get a job while you're trying to study."
"Not exactly. I am going to tutor a guy in anatomy. He is letting me stay with him while we tutor together."
"That may be a fun thing for you, Honey. Would you like me to bring your invisible man thing up there? I think I know where it is in your closet."
"NO! I mean -- no, if I need it, I'll get it on the weekend." I sure as hell did NOT want my mother coming to the university!
"Okay, Honey. So you will be home for the weekend? See you Friday night then."
"Mom? Please don't wait up. I'm a big boy now."
"I know you are, but as long as you are staying here -- even if you are 50 years old -- I will not sleep well until you are safely at home. You'll understand when you are a parent."
"Okay."
"And - - if you want to bring your new friend here for the weekend, let me know and I will buy extra food."
"Thanks, Mom. But I think he really misses his parents during the week."
"Cole?"
"Yeah, Mom?"
"You know that any of your friends are welcome to visit with you here -- don't you?"
"Yes, I know that, Mom. Thanks. See you in a couple days. Bye."
I turned to Iggy and he said, "I only get lonely because there's no one to talk to in the evenings."
"OH!" I exclaimed. "Oh. Well -- okay. I didn't mean, - I mean -- sigh -- I guess I shouldn't jump to conclusions."
"Do you like this place?" He asked.
"Well, it could stand something -- let's see -- oh yes!"
"What?" He said.
I took off my outer shirt and threw it on my bed. "There, that's a start!"
"I do have a closet."
"I figured there must be somewhere you keep your stuff! DUDE! This room looks like no one lives here. WAAAAY too neat for a guy's room."
"Sorry. I had no choice. It was the only way to keep my mom out of my room. If it was messy, she would come in and clean it."
We went out to dinner together, then came back and studied. Since coming up to UCLA, I hadn't dated -- at all. Not even back home. So I wasn't particularly horny. The year before, at Cerritos Junior College, It was like in high school. I had a date very weekend -- at least. And since I was determined to keep my virginity until I was married, I did get pretty horny sometimes, especially after a hot date, with making out and stuff. Once in awhile, I would allow myself to jack off -- to relieve some of the tension after one of those heated dates. Sometimes it got painful, especially if it had been several weeks.
My first night at Iggy's place, I felt that familiar pain in my lower abdomen that I recognized as blue-balls. I couldn't sleep. And Iggy was right on the other side of the room. I breathed as quietly as I could, to listen to his breathing. It was slow and regular.
"Iggy?" I whispered very quietly, but just enough that he could hear it if he was awake. No answer. I started rubbing myself, and soon my rubbing turned into the very quick, and silent jacking. I couldn't stifle a moan when it came. I heard him breath quicker and then turn over. I tried to hold my breath then breath slower.
"You awake? You okay, Cole?"
Trying my best to NOT sound out of breath, I said, "Yeah."
"Ok. I heard you -- it sounded like you were moaning. Dream?"
Before I thought about it, I said, "No." Then I thought I should have said yeah.
"Oh. Just a good wank huh?" He said like as if he were saying, "G'night."
I was speechless. "Cole? Sure you're okay?"
"Yeah. I'm okay. Thanks."
"Yeah, a good wank can put you to sleep, huh?"
"Uh -- I guess." I said, hoping the subject would be dropped. No such luck.
"Next time let me know. It's more fun to do it together."
"I don't do that." I said. G'night."
"Night. But if you don't mind, now I gotta do this."
"What?"
"Wank. All this talking about it has gotten me horny."
"Oh. I try not to do it -- unless I'm in pain."
"Why?"
"It's evil."
"It is?" He exclaimed. "I must be very evil then!"
I'm not -- I mean -- I didn't say - - that. Obviously, I do it. But I have seen the scripture where God smites a guy for doing it -- spilling his seed."
"I know this scripture. God commanded him to `know' his wife. In defiance to God, he spilled his seed instead. He wasn't smitten for spilling his seed. He was smitten for disobeying God. This is a ploy that some churches use to try to control you. Because you know what? "
I really didn't WANT to know what, but I remained quiet. He went on: "If you DON'T wank sometimes, your seed will spill on its own!"
"Yeah, I know. Let's go to sleep."
"So -- you don't mind if I relieve myself?"
"No -- knock yourself out." How could I say differently? He wasn't as quiet as I was. He was wanking it wildly -- beating it for everything he had! And when he went off, he didn't moan -- he hollered!
Then as if to justify it -- and punctuate it -- he said, "There! Now God knows how thankful I am he gave me this equipment! How would he feel if I didn't use it to its best advantage?"
"Indeed!" I said quietly, embarrassed but admiring this new friend more than my Born-again Christian mind wanted to admit.
I woke up when Iggy's alarm went off -- at 8:30 AM.
"SHIT!" I said.
"In your bed?!!" Iggy teased. "Man! What I have to put up with just to get a little help!"
"No! I have a class at 9!"
"Oh! Sorry. I don't! Well, hurry up and I will take you directly to your building. What building is it?"
"You know where Reed Center is?"
"Of course." He said. How quick can you be - " He looked at me. "Shee-yit! You are quick!"
"Let's go!" I said, not meaning to sound as impatient as it came out.
As we headed out of the dorm, I went left. "My car is over here." He said.
"Mine's right here in the guest parking! C'mon!"
As I started unlocking the door, he exclaimed, "Shee-yit! This is YOUR car? What the hell is it?"
"It's a 1957 Pontiac Safari. My dad bought it when he was a teenager, and when I became 16, he gave it to me."
"God! I LOVE your dad already!" He said as I tossed him the keys. "And you're gonna let me drive it?"
"Against mine and my dad's better judgment! But this is an emergency."
"Look, I'm awfully sorry I let you sleep so long, Cole! I'll be really careful."
"It's okay. You had no way of knowing what time I should get up. My fault entirely."
He started it up. "Oooo! Glass packs! Cool!" He carefully backed out of the stall and put the column mounted gearshift into drive. He stepped on the gas, and it jumped out ahead, screeching the tires. "SHee-yit!" he hollered as he took his foot out of the carburetor. We both jerked forward. "Ooo -- sorry!"
"Uh -- Reed Center -- remember?" He carefully pulled ahead again.
"This is sooo cool! It must weigh over 4000 pounds. What does it have under the hood?"
"It's about 400 cubes, I think. It was supposed to have had 282 horse power -- when it was new."
"Looks like your dad kept it that way!"
"It was his baby. My older brothers were jealous when he gave it to me. He gave them each a new Toyota. He said it never occurred to him any of us would want this hunk-a-junk."
"I'll be careful -- I promise!" he said.
I went through the day, too busy to really think about much besides school subjects. But I kept coming back to one thought. His explanation about masturbation in the Bible. When I had a few minutes, I went to my laptop scriptures and looked it up. I read the whole story. He was right! God WAS angry about the disobedience -- not the masturbation! It made me wonder what other passages I took as gospel that were taken out of context.
Our anatomy class was a Tuesday/Thursday class, and this was Friday, so we didn't see each other until the end of the day. When he came in, I was packing a few things in my book bag. He looked at me and his face told me something was wrong.
"What is it, Iggy? Is everything okay?"
"Yeah." He said, flatly.
"What is it? You didn't crash my car did you?" I was joking. It was obvious that that was not his problem.
"No." he said equally as flatly. "It's just kind of a let down."
"What?"
"In a little over 24 hours, my life has changed. And now I have to put it on hold until Monday."
My mind sped up as fast as it could go. Could he be talking abut meeting me? Well, I kind of knew what he was talking about. But I didn't put it together before now. I really didn't know how to respond.
"I don't know how to say this, Cole, but - - I -- I -- am gonna -- I mean, the last 24 hours have been really -- um -- I dunno -- nice -- or -- you know?"
"Iggy, do you wanna come home with me -- to my house?"
"Oh, I couldn't do that. My mom would shit if I brought someone hom -- with no warning."
"Not my mom. She would like to have bought some extra groceries for company, but it's too late for that. I'll call her and let her know."
"Hi Mom. I'm bringing Iggy home for the weekend. Yeah, that's his name. Actually, it's Igor. I'm sorry -- we just decided -- uh huh. Uh huh. Okay -- well -- maybe -- I dunno, we'll talk about it. K Bye."
I hung up. Iggy immediately said, "My mom would string me up by my balls of I just brought someone home for dinner -- unannounced!"
"It's really no problem, Iggy. Especially the food part. She just told me that both my brothers will be there, too, so there is plenty of food -- believe me!"
"Wow! I get to meet the whole family, huh?"
"Uh, there is one possible problem." I said. Just thinking about it sent a message to my nether regions. "I was planning on letting you stay in one of their rooms. Now we will have to share a room -- my room -- my messy room!"
"I don't care about your messy room. If you can stand it all the time, I can stand it one weekend!" He smiled.
"You don't mind if we drive my car do you?" I asked. "I don't like to leave it parked so long, unattended."
"I don't blame you. My little old Peugeot will be safe staying here, I can promise you."
My brothers, Rod and Jazz were waiting for us when we got there. Both of them seemed to like Iggy right away. And he liked them. Rod was 3 years older than I and Jazz, 9 years. After dinner, Jazz told me to follow him.
When we got out of earshot from the rest of the family, he said, "How long have you known Iggy, Cole?"
"Why?" I asked, a little perturbed -- and more than a little defensive.
"You KNOW he's gay -- right?"
"I don't know anything of the kind."
"Well, your big brother is telling you. He's gay."
"And why did you think it so important to tell me this?" I snapped.
"Cole -- I have been chasing queers away from you all your life!"
I looked at him totally incredulously. "What the FUCK are you talking about?!" I demanded. I was now officially pissed, and not a little confused. "And what if he is!!?? It would only be a problem if I was that way too, now, wouldn't it?"
"Hey, I'm sorry bro. You're right. I guess at 20 you can pick your friends now. But when you were younger -- Cole, don't you remember when I would take you to the beach -- guys -- strange OLDER guys would come to you and start a conversation?"
"K -- kind of. What are you - "
"Cole, guys just don't do that -- out of the blue. I watched you very carefully. You were always so cute when you were little, but when you started puberty, you got -- well -- almost too pretty to be a boy. I used to have to come over and gently invite them to leave."
I just stood there shaking my head. "Cole, I'm sorry, I guess it's hard to stop being the big brother."
Most of what he said I hardly heard. It just kept echoing through my head: "It would only be a problem if I was that way too. If I was that way too - If I was that way too - If I was that way too" I shook my head to clear it up.
"Okay?" Jazz repeated.
"Okay what?" I said, woodenly.
"I'll let you be a grown up now -- okay?"
"Yeah, okay."
"It would only be a problem if I was that way too. If I was that way too - If I was that way too - If I was that way too" It echoed through my brain -- over and over.
"Have you ever played Parcheesi?" My mom asked
"Oh yaw! We play it all the time at home!" Iggy said. "I have to warn you though -- I always win!"
"Consider that the gauntlet!" My dad said.
We laughed and carried on all evening. I excused myself to go to the bathroom. "I gotta go too!" Said Roddy. He followed me into the bathroom. He closed the door behind us. "Cole! Is Iggy gay?"
I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "Why do you ask?" I said, sarcastically.
"I just couldn't help noticing the way he looks at you." That comment made my stomach churn -- and not in a bad way! I still gave Rod a dirty look.
"We better get back! You gonna pee?" I asked.
He left. I peed. When I was finished, I just kept looking at myself in the mirror. " -- too pretty to be a boy." "It would only be a problem if I was that way too." SHIT! I am one confused 20-year-old.
I had trouble concentrating on the game when I returned. Both my brothers' conversations kept echoing in my head. I was obsessed with watching Iggy to catch him looking at me. Our eyes met too often! Once he gave me a covertly questioning look, and then smiled sweetly. I glanced over to Rod. He raised an eyebrow. I felt defeated.
We played well past midnight. Both my brothers kept insisting on another game. Iggy was not lying when he said he was good at Parcheesi.
Finally we were allowed to go to bed.
I got a sleeping bag out of my closet and told Iggy that I was sleeping on the floor. I could not put my guest on the floor. He vehemently resisted. "Okay," he said, "I am going to sleep on the floor too! I can't kick you out of your own bed. It's just not right!" When I would not relent, he said, "Look, this is a double bed, Dude! We can both sleep on it!"
I thought for a long moment, then said, "Okay. I guess I could throw my sleeping bag on the bed." And I did.
"Good!" he said. "Now I feel better. I'd feel even better if you'd let me sleep in the sleeping bag."
"It's a small bag." I said.
"I'm smaller than you are. I think it will fit." Then he caught my unintended implication. "Ohhhh! No! I meant I would sleep in there and you could have your sheets!"
"That's okay." I said. Let me be the good host at least to this extent.
"Can I borrow a towel?" he said. "I mean, would it be okay if I take a shower?"
"Sure. I don't think anyone else is using the bathroom. Mom laid an extra towel right there on the dresser."
"Thanks." He said as he pushed the door closed and stripped his clothes off. His smallish penis was not quite hard. He wrapped the towel around his waist as he walked down the hall to the bathroom. I tried to ignore how my body was reacting.
"It would only be a problem if I was that way too- - -"
I put my sleeping bag on the far side of the bed, and stripped down to my boxers while I waited for him to return. He walked in and dropped the towel, then walked over to his bag and fished around for something to wear to bed. He came up with sleep shorts with metallic dragons all over them. I got a good look at his naked body. I honestly tried to not look, but to no avail. He did nothing to hide himself, and kept talking to me, so I couldn't just walk out.
"Okay, my turn in the shower." I said, as I walked out of the room. When I got back the light was off and he was in bed.
"You asleep?" I whispered.
"Naw. Just waiting for you."
I crawled over him and into my sleeping bag. I was careful not to touch him as I crawled over.
After I was in my bag and lying still, the conversation stopped. We lay there for about five agonizingly long minutes. Finally he whispered, "You still awake?"
"Yeah." I said.
"Well -- okay. Night."
"Night." I said then before thinking too much, asked, "Iggy?"
His back was to me. He turned and rolled close to my face. I was glad it was so dark and I couldn't see his eyes. I could feel and smell his breath. I almost lost my courage. "I -- um -- was wondering -- I mean - "
"Yes."
"Huh?" I said.
"Yes. The answer to your question. Yes, I'm gay. Is that a problem?" He didn't say it in any confrontational way.
"I -- don't -- think so." I said.
"And that's because you are struggling with a decision of your own, right?"
I wanted to jump out the window. I wanted to run out of the room. I wanted to choke the very life out of him.
I wanted to hug him.
I nearly choked as I answered in a barely audible whisper, "Yes."
"Cole, I've known it since the first day I saw you across the lecture hall."
Somehow, that didn't hurt as much as I would have expected. My first reaction was to completely reject it. I was sure that my head would burst. But that was a fixed belief I had. In an instant, I realized that it was not as bad as I thought -- facing one of my worst fears. Not here in the dark. Not after I had been prepared for it unwittingly by my brothers --
Not with Iggy two inches away from my face.
I took a long rambling breath, and said, "Do you have a boyfriend?"
"No."
"Will you just hold me for awhile?"
"Of course. It'll be kind of awkward with you in that sleeping bag."
I shoved the sleeping bag over the edge of the bed, and climbed under that covers. Me in my boxers. Iggy in his sleep shorts. At first we hugged face to face. I buried my face in his neck. It wasn't a close hug. Our genitals were not touching. I found myself hoping his dick was as rock solid as mine, but I had no way of telling.
"So," I began, "Is that why you asked me to tutor you?"
"Yes and no." I waited for an explanation. "No, I really need help. Yes, it IS why I asked YOU to help me. And it wasn't easy either. I am not that outgoing myself."
"I can appreciate that." I said. "Dang, your body feels good!" I had to admit to myself that this was what I was craving all these years. I wanted to get closer, but I didn't want to go too fast.
"Turn around, Cole." I did as I was told, and he pulled me in close to his body. So much for wondering if he was as hard as I was! He rested his arm on my side and played with the sparse hairs in the middle of my chest.
"Ohhhhh -- man!" I said. That was when I felt his lips on the nape of my neck. "Ohhh my gosh, Iggy. Oh my GOSH!" He couldn't see my eyes fluttering. He couldn't see the tears welling up in them. I hugged his arm, and thought, "I want more of this!"
"Let's just take it easy, okay, Dude?"
I turned my head with a jerk. "HUH?" I was sure I had not said that!
"I know what you were thinking, Cole. Let's just wait. No need to rush into things."
No -- no need. But desire -- ohhh the desire! I turned a bit more, and strained to see his eyes in the dark room. It was impossible, but his breath was hot and right next to my cheek. I strained a little more, and put my lips on his. He melted. His mouth opened and his warm tongue touched my lips. I met it with my own and turned back around. I molded myself to his form and we kissed -- at first soft and sweet, but soon it was a hard, passionate wet kiss.
Ohhhh yessss! This is what I was born for! I clamored to get on top of him. He stopped me. "Don't rush, babe. Plenty of time. And you need it -- time -- to think about this. Time to cool off. Time to see how you feel about it tomorrow." His Russian accent seemed to have a way of averring whatever he said.
"Okay." I said, feeling unfulfilled, but okay with it. I turned back around and pushed my self into the curve of his warm body. He again pulled me in, grinding ever so slightly. I'm sure it was involuntary.
"Night." He said.
"Night." I repeated. I listened as I had that first night, to his breathing as it got slower and slower. I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to sleep. Because if I did, I might wake up and find it was a dream. I didn't want this to be a dream. I didn't want to stop feeling this masculine body pressing close behind me.
I woke up and went into the bathroom. When I got back, he was still there. It wasn't a dream. He had moved to the other side of the bed, so I didn't have to climb over him. This time I went back to sleep easily as he pulled me back into our spooning position.
The first thing I was aware of when I woke up was his hand on my chest. He was asleep, but his hand was caressing my chest hairs so gently. I smiled and a surge of energy swept over me and ended up in my groin. As my eyes became adjusted to the morning light, I looked and there beside my bed, was my brother, Rod, staring intently at the scene in front of him.
Author's note: I HATE it when that happens! Please feel free to comment. Steve at s4d@hotmail.com. Please write "Cole" in the subject line. Thanks and love, Steve
Bottom line: Love will Rule in the end.