This is a work of pure fiction, (Just how pure is in question!) based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind of story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of Characters: Cole Alexander Stephanson IV -- Our hero Jazz -- (Jack Zachary) Coles oldest brother Rod -- Coles middle brother Igor (Iggy) -- Cole's Tutoring Pupil Cole Alexander Stephanson III -- Coles Dad Ethyl Stephanson -- Cole's mom Rex Remlin-- Rod's best friend Gus Hartwin -- Rex's ex Michelle -- My old girlfriend. Dexter -- Iggy's boyfriend Ed -- Paramedic Manolo - Paramedic
From Chapter 11:
"Oh. You don't need to - "
"Don't even say it! I love you, Cole. Do you understand that?"
"Yeah, but - "
"No buts! I realized in the hospital that I have never cared for anyone like I do for you. I love you, Cole -- more than I can say."
I wondered if it was that I was in this position of weakness -- or that he could be of service to me -- or what made him feel that strongly. I couldn't say it back to him - - because it would be a lie. I didn't feel what he was feeling. He looked at me like I SHOULD say it back to him. I didn't want to hurt him.
"Gus - - " I stammered weakly. "I -- love you -- too." I just had to hope he didn't take that as I felt the same as he did. But what I said was true.
I DID love him.
Chapter 12
The days were very long. Mom took excellent care of me. I don't know what she would have done if Rex had come also. He decided to let his parents take care of him. Gus could have studied in Jazz's old room. But he insisted in doing it in our room, so he could be near me. About the only person that didn't come to visit me was Dr. Steere.
Even though the days were long, looking back, the semester seemed to go quickly. Before I knew it, it was time to register for next term. During that time, I started to go out a little after a few weeks. If I got too tired, we just came back home. The two paramedics became our closest friends. Gus called them after we came home, and each of them came by separately to see us -- well, me. Then when I was well enough to go out a little we went everywhere with Ed and Manolo and their respective partners. After a few weeks we didn't see much of Ed any more, but Manolo and Steve kept up the friendship.
Mostly it was Manolo, though, because Steve was actually married and could not get out very often. We didn't find this out right away. Personally, like others that Manolo told us about, I couldn't understand how he could be satisfied taking what was left over from Steve -- always being subordinated for the family.
One night we were in Griffith Park and it was a warm evening. We decided to get into the car -- we usually went places in the Pontiac -- and on a whim we drove up to the Hollywood hills. It wasn't that far from the park. We parked on Mulholland drive overlooking the never-ending light show called Los Angeles. The lights went on for as far as you could see. At night the smog was not so obvious.
Gus pulled me over to him. I laid my head on his shoulder. He kissed me and I settled back on his shoulder and as I glanced back, I saw Manolo doing similarly with Steve. As they got into kissing, Manolo started to shake his head spastically. Steve pulled him closer and buried Manolo's face in his neck. The shaking lessened.
As we drove home, we dropped Manolo off at his place and then it was just Gus and me -- and Steve.
"Steve -- are you ever going to leave your wife and just be with Manolo?"
"Not likely."
"Why?" I said. "If it's not prying too much."
"Not at all. It's a fair question. This was Manolo's idea. He knew going into it that I would not leave her. Because to leave her would split up my family. It's true the kids would still love me, but in fact, I would not see them as much. Did you know that some day Manolo wants his own family?"
"Oh!" I said. "How can that be?"
"He wants to marry a girl -- as I have -- and raise a family with her. He wants what I have."
"Me too -- but - "
"It takes a man and a woman to do a child justice." Steve averred.
"I -- guess. I can't imagine not having a mom -- or a dad." I said.
"Well, we're at your place, Steve!" Said Gus.
After Steve was in the house and we were on our way, Gus said, "I -- didn't like where that conversation was going."
"Oh? Why?" I asked
"I don't like the idea of a married guy messing around like that." He said with finality. "And - - I don't like that he's taking advantage of Manolo. Manolo is one of the sweetest men I've ever met. And I also don't like the idea that just because he's married a woman, and HAS his children, he wants to keep the rest of us from raising kids!"
"Wow! A lot of opinions."
"Well? What do you think?"
"About what? You raised about four questions there."
"Well, take them one at a time. What do you think about Steve leading Manolo on like he is?"
"I think that you're adding your words to the situation. Manolo doesn't think he's being led on."
"Oh come on! Do you really think he will ever have a wife and kids?"
"All I'm saying is I think you are assuming a lot when you really don't know what's really going on."
"How would you feel if you were in love with a married guy -- and he had no plans to leave his wife?"
"Well -- I would try not to let it happen. But if it did happen, I don't know. If I LET it happen, then it would be my responsibility - - I guess."
"And what about Steve's wife? How does she fit in here? Or doesn't she matter?"
"I don't know their situation. For all I know they are just two people who live in the same house out of convenience, or some force of loyalty -- or to just hold the family together -- or something. Have you seen the way they look at each other?"
"My point exactly! There is so much love between them. Don't you think Manolo cries himself to sleep every night -- wishing Steve were next to him?"
Gus was getting pretty excited about this.
"I don't know. I know I would if it was you and I knew someone else was snuggling up next to you. but it isn't you. And Gus -- it isn't me. I just can't project my values and feeling on to someone else. Besides that, I don't know the whole story -- do you?"
"No, but still - " He paused. "Well -- maybe you're right about that. Maybe there IS something we don't understand. But how about his claim that a child needs a father and a mother? Lot's of kids have been raised by just a mom -- or just a dad."
"Gus. Rex was raised mostly by his dad. His step-mom was not a mother at all to him. I don't think he is exactly -- um -- normal. I have known a lot of kids who were raised by a mom or a dad. So have you. We are very lucky to have both. Most I have known -- and many are totally nice -- have some serious hang-ups."
"Yeah. Like being gay is not a serious hang-up!" Gus said.
"Wha -- at?"
"Nothing."
"Gus, I HAVE read about a gay couple who adopted kids from Eastern Europe -- and actually found their mother and brought her here to raise them."
"Uh -- that was a fictional story, Cole. I like Steve Thomas's writing too.
But really! Sappy romantic!"
"Why could that not work?" I asked. "It makes sense to me."
"Well, one thing you have to agree with: kids are better off with even one parent -- or maybe two same sex parents - than to live in an orphanage."
"And - - many are in orphanages because their dads were killed -- either in war or by terrorists or political enemies -- and their moms could not care for them."
"Again -- that comes from a fictional account."
"But it makes sense! We could DO that -- someday."
"We could?"
"Why not?" I asked enthusiastically.
"Well, for one thing, I was wondering a little while ago if you even wanted to be with me." He looked away as he said this.
"Ohhhhh -- noooo. Gus, I WANT to be with you! I just -- can't feel as strongly as you seem to feel -- toward me. But - "
"But - ?"
"I don't know! Maybe I'm looking for something more -- when there IS no more. Maybe my expectations are -- unrealistic?"
"I don't know. I just know I would do anything for you."
"I'd do anything for you!" I countered.
"I'd die for you."
"I'd die for you!" I parroted. "But I'd also die for my mom, dad, or brother."
"Hmm. I guess I would too, if it was necessary. Try this one: I don't want to live without you."
"Wow!" I said.
"What?" He asked.
"Maybe -- maybe we DON'T feel all that different!" It came like a revelation to me. I did feel the same as Gus. I MUST! I just was expecting for something to -- knock me down -- or something.
Gus was looking at me as if he expected to see me start flying or something.
His mouth was dropped open, and his eyes were wide.
"What?" I asked
"You -- you look like you're -- glowing!"
"Wha -- at?"
"Really! You look like an angel. Even in the darkness in the car!"
"Maybe I am." I joked.
"Well, if you think of an angel as God's gift -- you are definitely God's gift to me."
I felt my heart race and my face turn red, and my ears burn. "Wow!" I said. He looked questioning at me, then back at the road. "What a rush -- what you just said. It gave me goose bumps! Stop the car!" He did. "Hold me." I commanded. He did that too.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Okay?" I asked in return. "I've never felt better. Maybe this is what I was waiting for. I just feel so much -- intense -- love for you!"
"That's probably what made you glow -- or seem to." Then he put his lips on mine. My heart literally skipped a beat. It felt sooooo good. And I felt -- complete -- like it was the first time in my life. We were only a block from home. He was breathing pretty hard. So was I.
"Gus -- let's go home." I said.
"You -- you don't like this?"
"Not like this. I want to do it at home -- in our bed."
"That's fine -- but it's hard there to stop."
"Okay."
"Okay what?"
"Let's not stop."
"Oh." He looked away.
"What?" I asked.
"I don't want to -- to -- hurt you."
"The tumor is gone, Gus. Dr's Steere told me I'd know when it was time to "run" again. It's time!" He wrapped his arms gently around me and pulled me in to a crunch hug. Then he turned and started the car and drove home.
By the time we were showered and in bed, my head started to hurt. I kept that to myself. We made sweet love. He was perfectly gentle, and I appreciated that. We both got off. The headache was not terrible, so I didn't mention it. When he was asleep, I got up and took some aspirin. I lay awake a couple hours. The headache persisted. I tiptoed into the bathroom and got some of my more heavy duty pain med that the doc prescribed.
The last time I looked at the clock, it was 4:00 am. I didn't even hear Gus leave. At ten thirty Mom woke me up. "You're a sleepy head today1" She said.
"I was up most of the night."
"Ohhh! I'm sorry! And I had to wake you!"
"I've been asleep since a little after 4:00. But I can go back to sleep."
"Why don't you get up and let me fix you some breakfast. You can nap after that or in the afternoon -- if you need to."
I dragged myself out of bed. I was a little dizzy. I showered again -- to wake up and so Mom would not smell -- well -- you know! As I was eating, she asked, "How are you feeling these days?"
"Not too bad. I had a headache last night. That's what kept me up."
"Ohhh -- poor baby! Is it gone?"
"Yeah. Well, I mean it's never all gone. But that's my head. This was different."
"Different? How, Honey?"
"Well, my eyes were -- I mean -- my eye -- gets awfully tired by the end of most days. It was aching pretty good by the time I went to bed."
"You be sure to tell Dr. Steere that when you go."
"I will. He told me to expect it."
"How is your vision now?"
"I'm not sure. I think my left eye has always been weaker. So it's hard to say. I can see okay. It's just that -- at the end of the day, it is awfully tired."
"It probably would be anyway -- it's used to the other eye helping out."
"Yeah. I'm hoping that I'll get used to it."
"Yes. Well, you will see Dr. Steere again next week. You can ask him what to expect."
"Thanks for the breakfast Mommy!" I said in a cutesy way. "I'm gonna go back to bed now and sleep some more."
"Okay honey. Will it be dark enough?"
"I think so. I just want to close my eyes -- er -- eye!"
I did close my eye. But I didn't sleep. I guess I got enough sleep, because I just lay there for a couple hours. I only opened my -- eye -- once or twice, but it felt better closed, so I just kept it closed. Mom looked in twice, but I stayed still, and she thought I was sleeping. I don't know why, but I just didn't want to deal with anyone right then.
I heard Gus come in. He talked to Mom in the other room for awhile, and I realized that I finally did fall asleep. Then I remembered. I was dreaming. I thought as hard as I could, and bits and pieces of the dream came back. All I remember is that though everything was in color, it was all out of focus. I actually had a headache in my dream, but did not wake up with one. As I woke up more, and realized it really was Gus out there, I felt a thrill as I remembered last night. I sprang out of bed and almost ran toward the other room.
Before I got there, Gus came down the hall and steered me back in to our room. He closed the door and then walked past me to the wall, and with his back to me, folded his arms with a "hrmph!"
"Oh My God!" I exclaimed. "That was so gay! What's wrong?"
"Why did I have to find out from your MOM that you had a headache all night?" He said to the wall.
I stepped over to him and touched his shoulder. He winced. I walked around and squeezed in between him and the wall. He turned away.
"Dammit, Gus, I didn't want to wake you! And then YOU left without saying goodbye!"
"Oh." He was immediately penitent. "Well, it was embarrassing to find out from your mom. She thinks we don't communicate -- probably."
"I guess we didn't that time - - huh?"
"If you hurt -- I want to know about it. I love you more than anything -- or anybody -- in the world! I deserve to know."
"I was only thinking of your school and - "
"FUCK school!" he retorted. "You are so much more important to me than school!"
"Gus!" I firmly said. "Sit!" He sat on the bed. "First of all, we are here so my mom can take care of you as well as me. She EXPECTS me to protect you from little annoyances that will fuck up your education. You need to study, Dude. What happened here just happened, but - - really -- let Mom take care of me. If you knew about my headache, could you concentrate today?"
"No, but - "
"Of course not. And I couldn't if it was you. It would have served no purpose for you to know I had a headache -- today or last night. You are upset -- because you were embarrassed -- right?"
"Well - - YES! I WAS embarrassed! I don't want you parents to think we just stay together to do each other."
"Trust me -- they don't think that. Gus - " I put my hand on his face -- "Can't you tell - that Mom and Dad love you?"
"I know they do, but - - I don't know. My parents love me too, but there is no way I could ever tell them what's really happening. I guess it's just hard for me to accept that your parents are okay with it. With it -- and US."
"You don't know your parents would bail on you. You're gonna have to tell them someday."
"Yeah. Maybe in five or ten years when they start wondering why I don't date."
"They probably wonder that already."
"Okay -- don't push me on this one, Babe -- okay?"
"Sorry. I didn't mean to -- it's okay. Take your time."
"Your mom sent me in here to wake you up. Your dad will be home soon and it's time for dinner."
I snapped my head around to look at the clock. I had slept for almost 6 1/2 more hours! ARGH! What were those dreams about?
Gus went back out to the other room, and I jumped in to the shower. I came out of my room just as my dad was coming in the door.
He walked directly to Mom and kissed her, and I saw him wink at her. "Hi boys!" I looked at Gus. You could tell he was pleased top be called that. "so -- what do you think we are having for dinner tonight?" He said, obviously talking to us "boys".
"I dunno." I said.
"Well, can you smell anything cooking?"
"Ummm -- no."
"That's because we're going out for dinner!"
"Cool!" Gus said.
"We have an announcement, and want you two to be the first to know!" Dad was all grins. So was Mom.
I looked from one to the other for some clue. It was there -- but I was too immature to see it.
We went to Red Lobster. "Order anything you want." Dad said, and he ordered a double lobster plate. I got the lobster and coconut shrimp special, and talked Gus into the same. It was a great start to an even greater night.
After dinner, Dad said, "Well, as I said we have an announcement to make. Actually more than one. First of all, I got a huge promotion at work, and I got a very generous raise. Enough that -- here's the second announcement: We have put the house on the market for sale. We have put an offer on a beautiful house in La Crescenta!" I looked at Gus. We were actually pretty much stunned. I could tell of course that they were very happy about this. And I was happy for them. But how did they want me to act?
"That's -- wonderful." I intoned.
"Don't worry, it's not that much further from your school. And there is public transportation from there to UCLA."
"That's cool," I said, nodding my head, still not quite getting the level of excitement I saw they had. I mean this was great, but it didn't seem to match the -- glow -- in their eyes.
"Do you want to tell them the rest, Ep?""
Mom looked at both of us, smiled, and said, "I'm pregnant!" She grinned, almost bursting with happiness. With twins!"
"NO SHIT!??" Gus said, before he caught himself. "OH! Sorry! I didn't - "
My parents started to laugh uproariously. "Gus! Don't worry, honey!" Mom said. "That's exactly what Cole said when I told him!" Meaning, of course, Cole, my dad. That got us all to giggling.
"You wanna go see the house?" Dad said, clearly not expecting a "no" answer.
It was a beautiful home in the foothills of the Angeles Crest mountain range. It was on the high side of a street. It was a ½ acre lot, with a 4500 sq. ft. home built in the middle of it. It was quite a lot above the street, but there no steps to get into the front door. All ramped walkways.
The landscaping was professional and perfectly trimmed. The swimming pool in the back yard was built with a large cascading water fall into the pool. There was no diving board, but several levels of diving platforms along the edge.
It had a three car garage. My dad promised I could park my Pontiac in the garage. We're supposed to move in six weeks if our house sells before that.
The house sold the first weekend it went on the market! By the time we moved, I was feeling pretty good -- most of the time. Rex was very sad we were moving. Mom renewed her offer to him, but he declined. I was pretty sure he was just trying to make his step mom's life hell, and couldn't understand why he didn't understand it was making his last days miserable as well. We promised we would visit often.
I started back to school in late August, just before we moved. Gus and I tried to get class times as close as possible so we could always drive together. I was getting more and more used to driving with one eye, but it just was too tiring to add driving to my day. I took a lot of ibuprophen for my headaches, and occasionally some acetaminophen with hydrocodone if they were really bad.
I went for a follow up eye exam just before the semester started. I was wrong. My left eye used to be the stronger one, but now it seems to be degrading. The doctor says it's probably because of the excessive eye strain. "Will glasses help?" I asked
"Maybe a little at first, but if you start wearing glasses, your eyes will just get weaker by degrees. My advice would be to try to get more rest. You're going to school aren't you -- UCLA?"
"Yes."
"Do you work?"
"No. We live with my parents. They support us while we go to school."
"Us?" He scrutinized me. "Never mind. How many units are you taking?"
"17. The semester has just started."
"It may be advisable for you to drop a class or two if it's not too late. It will only get worse as the semester goes on."
"Hmm. Doctor, let me ask you -- umm -- here's what I am thinking. My doctor tells me that I could lose the sight in my remaining eye. I don't like to think about it in those terms, but I wanted to get as much schooling done before that happens -- if it's gonna happen. What do you think?"
"There are ways -- to get around stressing your eyes -- your eye. Many texts are on tape and even more are on disc, and there are programs that convert them to audio. It's not too pleasing to listen to, but it would save your eyes -- I'm sorry -- eye -- maybe -- for a bit longer. But I still would suggest dropping down to 12 units or less."
"12 units is barely full time."
"That's true, but it is full time. I can't promise you that this will save your -- eye -- any time at all, but if it were I, I would cut back."
"I understand. I'll consider it. Thanks." I said dejectedly. "No really -- I asked you because I needed to know. Thanks."
"I wish I could give you more assurance, Cole." He said, patting my back, as we walked to the door. I looked into his eyes. I could see he hated telling anyone anything but good news.
"What'd he say?" Gus prodded. I had gotten into the car when he picked me up at the doctors office. Gus had a class, and I had to wait about 40 minutes for him. I was kind of on auto pilot, not wanting to think of the possibilities, and yet it was in the back of my mind at all times since the operation: I might be blind someday -- sooner or later. I was glum when Gus showed up. I got in the car and sat. He took off down the street. When I didn't answer him he gently reiterated, "Cole -- what happened, Babe?"
Tears came to my eyes. I felt like such a fool! What a cry-baby I have become! "I -- I -- have to -- drop a couple classes."
"Oh. How come? Which classes?"
"I dunno yet. (sigh!) He says I need more rest."
"Okay! Whatever it takes, Dude."
"Gus, I'm not too sure you will want to take care of a blind guy! I could be blind in a very short time!"
"Did he tell you that?" Gus pried.
"No. He wouldn't be -- he -- Dammit! Dr. Steere would have to be the one to say that!"
"Oh. And - - did he - ?"
"Huh? What?" I was not focused at all.
"Did Dr. Steere tell you that?"
"Yes." I said vacantly. "NO! Not in so many words. What he told me was if my good eye could not take the strain, it might shut down. He said that glasses would not help."
"Dr. Steere said that?"
"NO!" I was too stressed out. "Sorry. I -- can we just not talk about this now?" I said. I lay down on the seat, my cheek in his lap. He stroked my head and kneaded my shoulders.
"We'll do this some more when we get home, Sweetie."
He never called me that before. That touched me more than it ever could have in normal circumstances. I just started to cry on his lap. He continued to stroke my head and neck
I woke up disoriented, when he pulled into the driveway. "What -- where -- oh! What time is it?"
"You were only asleep about 20 minutes, Sweetie." He said, patting my neck.
I turned over so my head was still in his lap, but I was looking up at him.
"I love that." I said.
"What?"
"When you called me `sweetie'. I feel like such a dweeb -- and a cry baby, but -- but -- you just -- seem to -- love me -- anyway."
"I sure do! You love me, don't you?" That question stabbed into my heart. I had been so self absorbed! I was so damned unwilling to tell him I love him! It just occurred to me: I was withholding love from the one I love the most! How sick is that. I grabbed his hand and hugged it. I brought it to my mouth and I sucked his finger. I felt a familiar thump under my head.
"Gus -- I DO love you. More than I -- than I -- was willing to admit. I love you so much, and I -- am -- so afraid -- that you won't want to stay with me when -- I mean -- if I lose my eye."
"Cole -- I'm not going to leave you -- for any reason. Please believe me. I love you! I can't just turn that off because -- because -- for just -- any reason! Let's go in the house."
Inside, Mom had meat loaf, peas and potatoes all ready for any time we arrived home. And apricot cobbler with ice cream for dessert. After dinner Mom and Dad conveniently left to go to a movie. As soon as they were out the door, Gus said,
"Cole, You're worrying me."
"Why?"
"You seem to be stressing too much about this eye thing. I just will never - "
"Gus -- can we just not talk about this tonight? I just want to be loved tonight. Can you just hold me? I am very tired."
"Oh, Cole. I'm sorry. Of course. Sit down."
"No -- in our room -- in our bed."
"Oh! That! Are you sure you're up to it?"
"If I can just lay there, and you can just sock it to me. Would that be okay with you?"
He immediately undressed and then undressed me. He led me to the shower. He just completely served me. He thoroughly washed me with a wash cloth. He held me close under the hot shower, and kissed my waiting lips. I felt the tension drain out of me, as He rubbed my back and butt, and gently caressed my tongue with his own.
I was nearly limp when we finished in the shower. He picked me up and carried me to bed, after drying me with my towel. He laid me out on the bed, and then lay on top of me. His warm body was what I needed. Our rigid staffs were sandwiched between us, each one of them surging rhythmically as we kissed and fondled each other.
My eye got droopy and I almost fell asleep, when it popped open suddenly, as I felt his mouth encircle my softening dick. It sprang back to attention, and I grabbed his head. He started bobbing, slowly at first, as I massaged his ears. He picked up speed as he heard my breathing getting ragged and he sucked as hard as he could as I went off with so much power I surprised myself.
When it was finished, I closed my eyes and started to relax, when I felt him on top of me once again. I smiled up to him and rubbed his dick with my free hand. He responded by humping my hand. I woke up again. I asked him to please put it in me. He lubed both of us up well, and gently pushed in to me. I groaned a little.
"You okay?" He asked.
"Ohhhh yes! That feels so great. This is where you belong! I love you soooo much." He started to go faster, and I started to help him with my legs. He started to breath hard and it was not long before he was gasping and trying to not be too loud.
"Let it go, guy!" I said. "Mom and Dad won't be here for another hour or so!" So he did. He cried out in ecstacy as he involuntarily pushed deeper and deeper. My prostate and butt felt like I was going to burst! It felt so amazingly good! When he shot seemingly quarts inside of me, he kept humping and pumping. Instead of getting soft, it hardened up again, and he was sounding something like a train.
When he came the second time, he was crying like a baby and was a wild man. I was cumming at the same time from the drubbing he had given my prostate. He fell on top of me, and I pulled his in as far as I could, and we lay there, connected in love, for about 3 minutes. He slipped out of me and then slid down beside me. I kissed him deep. He gently extricated himself from me and went to get a warm wet wash cloth, he cleaned himself off and I jumped when he touched my dick.
He licked the cum off of my dick, and lower abs. Then he washed me with the still warm cloth. I shivered a little, so he pulled the blanket over me, and stroked my face. I fell asleep, and didn't wake up until it was time to get up the next morning. I had good dreams of Gus and Iggy and Rex. I think Roddy was in there somewhere, too. They felt erotic -- and yet nothing erotic happened.
"You okay?" His voice came to me out of a fog.
"Never been better. I was not just crying out in the moment, Gus. I said I love you so much -- and I do!"
"Are you still dreaming?" He said. "Those must have been some good dreams you were having."
"It was -- and you were in the center of them -- and no! I'm not still dreaming. I do love you and I -- I -- always will. Gus, I am sure of it now -- I am so in love with you!"
He grabbed me and cuddled with me for a few minutes before it was too late to get up.
Notes: It often is hard to recognize and identify our true feelings. And when we do, it is hard to admit it, sometimes. Any comments may be sent to s4d@hotmail.com. Please put "Cole" on the subject line. Thanks and love, Steve
Bottom line: Love will Rule in the end.