This is a work of pure fiction, (Just how pure is in question!) based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind of story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of Characters: Cole Alexander Stephanson IV -- Our hero Jazz -- (Jack Zachary) Coles oldest brother Rod -- Coles middle brother Igor (Iggy) -- Cole's Tutoring Pupil Cole Alexander Stephanson III -- Coles Dad Ethyl Stephanson -- Cole's mom Rex Remlin-- Rod's best friend Gus Hartwin -- Rex's ex Michelle -- My old girlfriend. Dexter -- Iggy's boyfriend Ed -- Paramedic Manolo - Paramedic
From Chapter 10:
"It's hard to explain." Manolo explained about his love affair. I love him so much, I am willing to share him with his family. He tells me it is not fair to me. That he feels bad when he has to break engagements at the last minute for a family obligation."
"I guess!" I said.
"But it is okay." Manolo said cheerily. "I accept it as my life. I love him. I KNOW he loves me." He looked as if far away. His head started to shake involuntarily. He smiled. "It is my twitch. I was in an automobile accident a few years ago."
We pulled into the emergency room ambulance port. They carried me into the ER. It was almost empty. I guess Monday night was not a busy night. At least THIS Monday night!
Chapter 11
As soon as we came in the door, they wheeled me directly in to an examination room. A doctor and two other nurses or something -- you can't tell any more -- they all wear the same clothes -- started to undo the straps holding me down, as they asked me a load of questions. Gus walked out with the EMT's. I almost freaked out. I wanted him here, as I told the doctor my - - lie.
He came quickly back in. I gave him a "where the hell did you go?" look.
He came and whispered, "I got their phone numbers."
"So, is it Cole?" The doctor said. "Can you tell me what happened?
"Hello!" I looked to the door. My dad and mom were there. He apparently heard the doctor's question. "He was running, Dr. - ?"
"Hello. I'm Dr. Steere. And you must be Cole's father." (I look like my dad.)
"Yes. Cole Stephanson." Dad said. "Senior. My son was out on a late night run and during his cool down he had a seizure. It has never happened before. Thank God Gus was there!" Dad winked at me.
"Yes. From what the paramedic said, he saved your son's life. There is more, but maybe we should let Cole tell us." The Doctor said. All looked at me, as I told my version of what happened. All the while they were hooking up some kind of electrodes to my body. Obviously I left out the real reason it started. When I got to the part about floating over my bed, my mom almost fainted.
My dad's eyes got really big. He escorted her to a chair that was close by, and said, "What? You are telling us that your spirit left your body. You were actually dead for awhile?"
"I hadn't thought of it that way. I never felt dead!" I said.
"Everything seems to be pretty normal now." Dr. Steere said, looking at the monitors. "An MRI is not always covered by insurance, Mr. Stephanson. But I would feel better if we did one. There may be something there that we can identify."
"I'm sure that it is covered on my insurance, Dr., but if you feel it is necessary, it is not an issue. We would cover it. Would it be a full body scan?"
"Not at first. The seizure would have been caused by an anomaly in the brain, so we would only do that at first. It is perfectly safe."
"Oh, I know about MRI's" Dad said. "My older son has had sports injuries. The miracle of modern medicine!"
"Is there any reason that Cole can't go back to school this morning?" Dad said.
"No!" My mom said. "He needs to come home!"
"Doctor?" my dad persisted. "I'm sure Cole has plenty to do at his dorm -- studies and all -- if he is cleared to go."
"Well, I can't see any reason why not. Take it easy, Cole. I advise against any `running' - " he emphasized it! "Until we get some results from the MRI. Want to go up there now?"
I looked at my dad. He nodded. "Sure." I said.
The doctor again warned me not to "run -- or other activity that might excite you too much" is what he said, until the results from the MRI could be read and interpreted tomorrow.
We said goodbye to Mom and Dad at the hospital. We didn't speak much as we went back to the dorm and got ready for bed for the few hours sleep before classes. When the lights were out, I said, "Well, that was interesting - weird, wasn't it!"
Gus just started to cry like a baby. I held him until he was able to speak.
"It -- it -- it wasn't `interesting' to me, C -- C - Cole. It scared the hell out of me." Then he started to cry again.
"Wow!" I exclaimed. "You really WERE scared. Funny thing is -- I never even considered it scary except when I thought they were taking me to hell! That was a scary moment, but then there you were, staring into my eyes."
After another moment, he got control of himself again. He took a deep breath. "I NEVER cry like this! I'm sorry!, It's just - "
"NOoo, baby!" I said. "It's okay. I understand."
"It's just that -- that -- I love you -- so much!" He sighed a huge shuddering sigh. "What??" You thought you were going to hell?!!"
"Well, when my body started to breath again, the strange gurgling sound and all reminded me of when those bad dudes were being pulled down to hell -- in `Ghost'. Remember it? Did you see it?"
"Cole!! You could never go to hell. You are the single sweetest person I have ever known."
We held each other for about 5 minutes before I conked out in my sweetheart's arms.
The next day we went to classes as usual. Well maybe not quite as usual. I could hardly stay awake. When I came back to the dorm, Gus pulled me into the room. "Dude! There's a message from the doctor. He wants to talk to you as soon as possible."
I called and was told that the doctor wanted to talk to me -- and my parents -- in person. "Is it serious?" I asked.
"You're in no immediate danger, sir." was all the nurse would tell me.
When we got to the hospital, my parents were already there. My mom's eyes were red and tired looking. We went in and waited for the doctor to see us."
"Did they tell you anything?" I asked.
"No why do you ask?" Dad said. "Why, did they tell you something?"
"No. I just saw mom and -- thought -- well never mind."
"Your mom didn't sleep very well after we got home."
"Mr. and Mrs. Stephanson -- Cole -- please come in." I looked at Gus. "Your brother can come in too." He added.
"Oh, Gus isn't my - "
He put his finger to his mouth. "Shhh -- just come in." he said kindly.
After the door was closed. Dr. Steere said, "I know Gus isn't your brother, but this is supposed to be for only family -- and I get the idea Gus is like family -- RIGHT?"
"Yes. Thanks." I said.
"Mr. and Mrs. Stephanson, has Cole ever had any symptoms like this before? Anything at all. Maybe acting drunk when he wasn't or - anything?"
"No!" My mom said. "Cole never drank!"
"He didn't ask that, Ep." Dad said. He asked if he ever seemed like he was drunk when he wasn't!"
"I HEARD what he said, COLE! I just wanted to make that clear." Mom was clearly stressed out.
"Well, there IS a tumor in there -- in his head -- and it appears to be growing. That happens sometimes; They can lay dormant for years and then all of a sudden take off."
"A TUMOR!" mom cried. O my God, Cole!" she exclaimed.
"The first thing we need to do it go in and take a biopsy."
"Oh NOOooo!" mom cried.
"Mrs. Stephanson, these seldom test positive for cancer, but we have to be sure." Mom threw her arms around me.
"Oh my poor baby boy!" she cried. "Why is this happening to the sweetest boy in the world?"
"We can schedule him for the biopsy early next week if that works for you." The doctor said.
"Whatever you think is best Dr. Steere."
"Can it be late afternoon?" I asked. "I have lost enough class time."
"I'll see what can be worked out. Why don't I just have the nurse call you and work out the timing issue?"
"Thanks. You have my cell number. But can I call her?"
"Of course! And I won't tell him you called him a her." The doctor smiled.
I called as soon as we were through. There was an appointment open tomorrow, and the only appointment that fit my schedule was next Monday -- which WAS early next week. But Tomorrow was Wednesday, and I wasn't too worried, as long as I didn't do any more - - "running" before we got things straightened out. But my mom was stressed enough, I wanted to get it over with for her sake, so I took the early appointment and skipped a couple classes.
By Friday, we met with the doctor again. He told us that no cancer was found. My mom sighed a hugh sigh of relief. And I have to admit, I felt a lot easier about it too. Then he dropped another bomb.
"Now -- here's the situation as it stands: The tumor is not malignant, but it is growing -- and it is lodged behind Cole's right eye. There is always a chance for negative outcomes, but USC has some of the finest surgeons in the world. And though this is a teaching hospital, no student would be actually doing anything except assisting or observing."
"What are you saying Doctor?" Mom said. I was wishing she wasn't here.
"Bottom line -- there are no guarantees. We have the best here but this is a very delicate operation."
"Doctor, why are you telling us this?" My dad asked. "Do we have any choices? I mean what are our options?"
"You could opt to not do the operation. There is a chance the tumor would slow down or even stop growing. If that happened, then even though Cole would have to curtail `certain' activities, he could live a relatively normal life."
"Do the operation!" I exclaimed.
"Let the doctor finish, Cole." My mom said.
"What is your recommendation, Doctor?" Dad asked.
"If the operation is postponed or abandoned, the chance of the tumor stopping its rapid growth is small, in my opinion. And the larger it gets, the harder it will be to remove."
"And what is the main danger at this point -- if the operation is done?" Dad asked.
"We never know exactly what we're going to find until we get in there. There is a chance -- remote, but still a chance -- that Cole could lose sight in the eye the tumor is behind. If it is attached to the optic nerve, this is a definite possibility. Also sometimes the other eye sympathetically will shut down when the other eye is blinded -- for any reason. It is rare, but it happens."
"I think we should wait to see if it keeps growing!" Mom said.
I was confused. I looked at my dad. "Well," he started, "This is really up to the boy. But," and he looked gingerly at Mom, "I think that the sooner the better. It sounds rather like a time bomb otherwise."
"That would be my best advice. I hate giving families these kinds of options!" The doctor had red eyes, as he made eye contact with everyone -- including Gus.
"Okay!" I said. "It seems like the ultimate decision is mine." It was my turn to make eye contact with everyone. "I don't want to live half a life, in fear that someday this may get worse -- or that the operation which may be operable now won't be later -- and . . . I don't want to give up sex for life!" My dad cleared his throat, Gus choked and Mom gasped.
"Look! We all know it wasn't running that brought this on. It's silly to keep referring to it that way. It happened after -- sex. And I am not willing to give that up -- especially if this thing is going to grow and get me anyway! How soon can we do this?"
"Oh, Cole, you don't have to - "
"Ep! He's right. The sex aside, what kind of life would it be, to constantly wonder?"
"I know -- but -- he's my baby!" She stepped to me and hugged me. I put my head on her breast and started to cry too. I felt like a little boy, but I had made my decision.
"Doctor?" I said.
"I can reschedule some other elective surgeries and get you in tomorrow. It will take most of my day. As I said -- there will be no students actually operating, but the theater will be attended by many in the gallery. I will be the surgeon, but there will be experts from every field of importance related to this case there with me. Now -- here is an very serious question that I have to ask before the operation -- because I can't ask it after you are under general anesthetic: Cole, if it turns out that the tumor is actually attached to the optic nerve, you WILL lose sight in that eye. If the tumor is let to grow and actually attack the eye and nerve the chances of both eyes being affected is greater."
He paused to let us digest what he had said. "So if that is the case -- if the tumor is attached to the optic nerve -- shall we go ahead and sever it -- knowing that you will lose sight in that eye?"
"If that happened, Doctor - " I paused and took a deep breath, "What are the chances I would lose my sight in the other eye anyway -- even though I know they are more if we wait."
Doctor Steere looked at the floor. He paused too long for my comfort before answering, "About a third of patients lose sight in both eyes in cases like this."
I left mom's embrace and went to a chair and sat down hard. I took a big breath and let it out in a sigh. I started to speak, but was interrupted by Gus.
"Cole," His voice was shaking severely, like he was barely holding it together, "I -- I'll take care of you -- no -- no -- no matter what."
"I guess it will be Thursday, Doc." I said.
My mom's whole countenance changed. It was like now that the decision was made, she could function again. "You boys are coming to our house for dinner tonight." She said, not brooking any negative answers.
It was just Mom, Dad, Gus and me. We didn't say two words during dinner and really the whole time we were together. But it felt comforting that we were together -- for me.
When we got home -- back to the dorm -- even Gus and I didn't talk much. I wasn't worried about studying at the time. We went to bed and as we relaxed into each other's arms, first Gus and then I started to sniffle and we cried ourselves to sleep.
The next morning:
"GUS! No!" I exclaimed. "There is NO reason for you to be there. It's stupid! My mom will insist on being there. There's nothing you can do but sit and worry!"
"Yeah! Like I won't worry if I'm not there!"
"If you're in class, you will at least have something else to think about." I said simply.
"You don't want me there!" He accused.
"That's STUPID!" I screamed at him. "No! wait! THIS is stupid. I made MY decision! You make your's. Come if you feel you have to!"
He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me. We were both on edge and our tempers had gotten the best of us. We cried again. We both felt so out of control - - powerless. Secretly, I was glad I didn't have to wait while he was being operated on!
I got to the hospital a little late. I was nervous about that, but they were very nice. I was taken to a room, and then my parents and Gus were shown in. A gorgeous male nurse came in and pulled the drape around me. He introduced himself as Kent, and then gave me an enema - - and I sprung a woody! I had no choice in the matter. It had a life of its own! I am sure he was enjoying it as much as I was. He seemed to be pulling the tube in and out several times, and when I caught his eye, he smiled ever so slightly. When I popped the wood, he giggled and said, "Don't worry, lots of guys do that." I would swear that he looked at it longingly.
He left and soon came back with a needle. "This will make you a little sleepy -- but most of all, it will make you more comfortable -- like you won't care." He stuck it in my butt. He then asked that only one of the visitors stay. My dad had to drag my mom out, leaving me with Gus.
When the nurse came in to ask Gus to leave, Gus was draped over me as far as he could be -- hugging me. I had told him about my experience of the nurse, so he hugged me closer and kissed me on the mouth. I was tired, as the nurse said, and felt deliciously horny! I kissed him back like no one else was watching. The nurse chuckled. Any other time, that would have bothered me, but I didn't care at this point, with the medication taking effect.
After Gus left, Kent came to my side. He touched my arm. I looked up and smiled dreamily at him. "You okay?" He asked. I nodded. "Anything I can get you -- or do for you?" I shook my head. "Do you have to move your bowels?"
"Huh?"
"Crap -- do you need to -- shit?"
"Oh," I said, still feeling dreamy. "I guess I do. I didn't notice before.
Hee hee!"
"Can you go by yourself?"
"What?"
"Can you go to the bathroom yourself?"
"Sure." I said, and I just lay there.
He pulled back my covers and said, "The toilet is thru that door."
"K." I said, but I still lay there. I smiled.
"Here." He held out his hand to me.
"What?" I asked, smiling too.
"Give me your hand."
"K." I answered once again and did not move.
He took my hand and gently pulled me out of bed. When my feet hit the floor, I asked, "Where we goin'?"
"To the bathroom -- to take a crap, Cole."
Funny thing was -- as zonked out as I was, I noticed this was the first time he called me by name. He led me to the toilet, and helped me sit, holding my gown for me. I don't know why I didn't shit all over the place, it came rushing out so fast. I looked into his eyes as it was coming out. He was smiling at me and I knew that he loved me.
When I was finished, he wiped my butt with great care and love -- I was sure of it! And he led me back to my bed and helped me up.
"You're pretty sleepy, huh?" He said. "Anything else I can do for you?"
I lazily turned my head and looked into his eyes. "Ya wanna kiss me g'night?"
He bent close to my face and said, "No dude. Well, not that I wouldn't like to, but I can't. K?"
"Whatever." I said, and I smiled.
Just then the phone rang. He picked it up. "Yeah? Uh huh. Yeah, he's ready. Yup -- a big one -- all clean! K, we'll be right down."
"Time to go sport!" He said. "You wanna close your eyes?"
"M-hm." I mumbled -- and I didn't. It was as if the hospital bed wasn't moving at all. But the room and then the hall just moved past me. My vision became blurry, and I saw nothing more until I heard my parents -- and Gus talking.
"Oh! Look. Looks like he's waking up." I heard Dad say. When I tried to say something, it came out as a moan. I couldn't as much as open my mouth -- or eyes. I felt a cool hand on my cheek.
"Cole. Cole, your family is here. Can you open your eyes?"
I tried -- really hard. I opened them. The first thing I saw was the face of my sweet Gus. He was smiling tenderly. I tried to smile, but it hurt. "It's okay, babe. You're head is all bandaged up. We'll just be here if you need us." I could barely see through the bandages. I saw Kent above Gus, also smiling.
Kent spoke. "You just relax bud. Take your time. The doc will be here in awhile."
I tried to remember -- forced myself -- why I was here. I knew this was a hospital room, but -- why -- was -- I -- oh! Yes! I had been operated on. My eye! My EYE! It just occurred to me -- I could see a little better now -- but only out the left eye. I tried to say something, but mumbled again.
"What's that buddy?" Kent asked. "Try harder."
"Uhhhm -- mrrfph." I concentrated really hard. "Can -- can -- `t see."
"You can't see -- at all. No light?" Kent said.
"Eye." I started again. "Right eye -- can't see - right eye."
"Okay you can't see from your right eye." I nodded and felt exhausted. I then heard,
"Doctor. He's communicating. You better get in here -- stat."
In what seemed to me like an hour (later they told me it was 3 minutes) the doctor was hovering over my face. "He covered my left eye. What can you see?"
"No -- nofink." I said, then pushed myself. "Nothing. It's - dark."
He took away the covering from my left eye. "And now -- what can you see?"
"You." I said.
"Good. Do you want to say hi to your family?"
They came into view. "Hi sweetie pie." My mom said, smiling."
"Hi there Champ!" my dad said.
I saw Gus. Tears were streaming. "You're gonna be okay, Cole. Just - " and he turned away quickly.
Kent came back into view. He gave me a shot. "You're gonna sleep some more, Cole." As I quickly passed out, I heard Gus crying as he ran out of the room.
When I woke the next time, it was night. It all quiet. I knew immediately this time that I had had the operation. I remembered vaguely that I couldn't see out of my right eye. I put my hand over the left one. Yup. Black. I tried to turn my head and it hurt -- bad! I cried out. Immediately My hand felt warm. Then I saw Gus's face in front of me in the dim light. His warm hand seemed to trigger something and I started to pee.
"Hi babe." He said then turned. "Nurse -- he peed -- again." He said to someone.
"I peed before?" I asked.
"Yeah. You're pretty weak." I started to cry for no reason. Well, I was distressed that I Peed the bed, but not -- well, I guess I WAS weak. "How do you feel besides that?"
"Not too bad. It hurt a lot when I tried to turn my head."
"Yeah. Don't do that." He said. He put a cool wet cloth on my lips. They were very dry and chapped. Then he bent down and kissed them. "Damn." He said.
"What?" I answered.
"I didn't know it was possible to -- care for someone -- this much."
"Oh." I replied. I was pretty out of it. He said something else, but I fell back asleep and didn't get it. But I remember feeling his warm hand on my arm again. I guessed the nurse came in and changed my sheets or something because when I woke up I was dry. Then I noticed. I was wearing depends. Cool enough, I thought.
It was light when I woke up. Barely. I tried to turn my head again. "OOWwww!" I cried.
"Oh Babe! Try to remember not to turn your head." Gus said. He appeared over me looking tired and his eyes were red.
"Am I gonna be okay?" I asked. "Do you know anything?"
His eyes filled with tears. I guess my face told him I was scared. "Oh noooo, Babe. It's not all that bad."
"How -- how bad is it?"
"(Sigh!) The tumor was attached to the optic nerve."
"Oh." I said, and it hurt to even think. "So - - I won't be able to see any more? Out of this eye?"
"Damn, Cole! I want so much to hug you -- and I can't! You can't move for awhile."
"I know. I've tried." It was meant as humor. Somehow it didn't come out that way.
"Is our hero awake?" the perky little nurse said, as she entered the room.
"Yes." Gus said. "Awake and aware."
"So -- you told him?"
"Yes. He asked. I wouldn't lie to him."
The nurse appeared above me. She looked at my good eye. "The doctor will be here soon. He has some stuff to tell you. I am off in 10 minutes. After that your new nurse will be Kent. He's a - "
"I know Kent. He was here yesterday. Thanks." I said.
"Someone talking about me?" Another faceless voice. Kent appeared above me.
"You look great, Bud! Bet you feel like crap!"
"Kind of."
"Well, we got plenty of drugs to keep you feeling good. Just let me know if you need some. We don't want you to hurt too bad."
"Thanks. No need yet." I said.
Without warning I felt his fingers go down my pants. Even in my pain and stupor, I felt a surge in my groin.
"Do you want to change him, Gus? I can show you how. Or I can do it." Kent said.
"It can't be that hard. Just take off the old and put on the new ones -- right?"
"Basically, but we have to try to do it with as little movement of his body as possible. He can't help you. Did you hear that, Cole. Don't help. Just let us do it for you."
"K."
Kent then slid his arm under my lower back and put his face on my chest -- for leverage I guess. -- and lifted and pulled off the wet pants with the other hand. "Don't worry, Bud. We'll let you handle this as soon as you -- oh! A little surprise! Usually the enema takes care of every thing!"
"Now I AM glad you were doing it!" Gus said, snickering. I wanted to laugh too, but was afraid. I smiled. Even that hurt.
"How long does this last?" I asked.
"What?" Kent asked.
"How long will I have pain every time I move a muscle?"
"You'll be moving around in about a week. It will get better by degrees."
"Hey! Those are my lines!" Another voice.
"Hi Doctor Steere. He's in pretty good spirits." Kent said. "He's full of questions. We have answered some of them -- that we could."
The Doc appeared above me and smiled. "Hey Bruiser! I know you feel like crap now, but believe me, I've seen much worse. You are doing very well. Your age has a lot to do with that. Anybody older -- or much younger -- would be worse off. You're doing great."
"K." I accepted.
"Cole, I have a few things to discuss with you. Is your mom or dad here?"
"His dad's at work, Doctor." Gus said. His mom is in the waiting room -- probably asleep."
"Would you get her, Kent?"
In a few moments, Mom was there. "Here's the deal. As you probably already both know, The operation was a success, but the right optic nerve was damaged beyond repair. There will never be any sight in that eye." He paused to let me digest that. I heard Mom sigh.
"Also there is something else I need to advise you about. You eye is still there, and the muscles are still attached, so it looks like it would work -- from out here."
"So -- I will look normal?" I asked, hopeful.
"Yes. For now. But that will change with time. With time the muscles will relax and the eye will wander. Here is what I need to advise you of. The other eye in some cases, beyond our understanding or control, seems to sympathize with the blind eye. Which means, the good eye can go bad for no apparent reason."
"Oh!" my mom exclaimed. I felt my eyes -- no my eye -- glaze over. No it was my whole being that seemed to be fading at that thought.
"The incidence of this happening is very much reduced -- if the bad eye -- is removed."
"You mean if it isn't there, the other eye doesn't react that way?" Mom said.
"That is correct. It isn't paramount that we do anything right away. There is plenty of warning, usually. I would actually want to wait until the trauma of this operation is past before adding more to it."
"So -- what can be done," I asked, "a glass eye?"
"That is one remedy. Some people have the eye socket closed. It looks just like it is a closed eye. Then either it can be that way, or a patch can be worn. But you don't have to think of that right now. I just wanted you to know of the possibility."
"Thank you, doctor. You are most kind." My mom said
"Okay. I'll be back tomorrow unless I am called. Don't worry about sleeping too much, Cole. You need the rest and chance for healing. Don't try to be the hero and refuse pain meds. Right now rest is best. Bye."
I left the hospital in five days. I was taken home to my parents. Gus stayed and took care of me until I asked, "What about your classes?"
"I made arrangements for this week. Besides that, I have dropped out of the dorm. Your mom and dad are letting me stay here. I will be commuting to school starting next week."
"Oh. You don't need to - "
"Don't even say it! I love you, Cole. Do you understand that?"
"Yeah, but - "
"No buts! I realized in the hospital that I have never cared for anyone like I do for you. I love you, Cole -- more than I can say."
I wondered if it was that I was in this position of weakness -- or that he could be of service to me -- or what made him feel that strongly. I couldn't say it back to him - - because it would be a lie. I didn't feel what he was feeling. He looked at me like I SHOULD say it back to him. I didn't want to hurt him.
"Gus - - " I stammered weakly. "I -- love you -- too." I just had to hope he didn't take that as I felt the same as he did. But what I said was true.
I DID love him.
Notes: Comments? Please address them to Steve at s4d@hotmail.com. Please write "cole" in the subject line. Thanks and love, Steve
Bottom line: Love will Rule in the end.