I hope you are all enjoying your summer period at the moment. I can tell I do and will be going to Amsterdam pride this weekend. Thanks for all your responses lately and I will get in touch with a reply after my summerholidays.
For this years anniversary of CA I want to do something special. I want to know where are you from so I can make a picture of all of my readers where they are on this world, or even outside it LOL.
Well let me know bye e-mail: noway16@hotmail.com or through ICQ 36967366.
To be kept informed about my updates of the story go to my yahoo group which is mentioned on my website at www.geocities.com/timsfunplace.
Here is Chapter 53 of Coach's Assistant.
I realized that my tears had started to flow at some point. I knew Francis was looking at me. I was happy he didn't try to touch me ... it seems he had learned his lesson from this morning. I looked through my moist eyes and saw that he had stopped the car in some woodsy surrounding.
"Shall we walk for a bit?" he asked.
"Yea, the fresh air will do me good."
I took out my handkerchief and wiped away my tears. I wanted to open the door but Francis played the gallant guy and he did that for me. I gave him a weak smile.
"You better now?" he asked me.
"Yea, for the time being. Let's walk a bit."
We walked along the trail just behind the car. I didn't look back to see if I'd seen the place before.
We walked for about 15 or 20 minutes when we reached a little lake. I started to recognize the place now.
"Hey! I recognize this! We've been here before!" I said.
I saw a smile on Francis's face. "Yea, I thought it would be a good idea to do some healing, some time to get out of this mess."
"Yea, I guess so."
"I know you need time for this, and I'm happy to wait and give you as much time as you need."
I saw him smile. I knew I could trust him and seeing the smile on his face made my heart overflow again with the love that I felt for him. I could never go on without him. I'd be nothing without him. Maybe even all of this had just made it stronger. I didn't know. I knew, though, that I could trust him. He would never do anything to hurt me.
But was I worthy of him? Didn't he deserve someone so much better than me? Me, with my filthy fantasies and ... damn! I knew I could get a grip on all this, but still. I loved him and he deserved to know. Did he really deserve someone like me? I'd planned on telling him bits about my feelings during the appointment we'd have together with the shrink some time next week, but now? I just needed time, time to get a grip on things ... time to heal ... time to trust the world out there again ... time to ... whatever. I just hoped that I had the time, that he would wait for me.
[Back at Nick's house]
"So you have to add this too, Randy?" my dad said.
"Yes, sir. I'm afraid I do."
"You were there too?"
"No, I was at home at the time."
"Sorry," Alexei interrupted. "But let's wait till the cops are here, just let Randy tell them his story. But don't say anything about Peter and Andrew until we might need them to testify."
"I'll think about that, Alexei. I need time. I can't make a promise. We'll just have to wait and see. If I think Nick needs to know, I'll tell him. If he lives with the fear that there were others, but he doesn't know who, then I think he must be told."
The bell went and I went to the door quickly, not wanting to leave them and miss any of the conversation.
"Hi, David," Keith said when I opened the door. "We got a call to be here around this time. It seems someone has some more information?"
"It seems so, Keith. I'm glad it's you, though, and not someone else."
"I thought you would be. When the call came in, I thought I'd better check it out myself."
"Come in ... they're all in the living room."
We walked in and I did some introductions although Keith knew most everyone.
"So, what news is there?" Keith said.
I saw Alexei looking at Randy and at my dad.
"I think I'd better say something to get this mystery out of the way," Randy said.
"I had no idea what had been going on until two days ago. I know some of you know about the relationship I had with the docs."
"Oh, no!" A sigh left my dad's mouth.
"Let him continue," Alexei said.
"They had their own site on the web. I hadn't checked it out since we got to them the last time, as I knew for sure that we'd put them out of business. It was still on my browser as one of my favorites, so when I was cleaning them up I opened the site again. I saw that it had changed. It also had a lot more hits than it had when I'd seen it last so I knew then that the site was still active. I looked around a bit and went to the guest book to see when the latest entries had been added. I knew from the past that, when new entries were written, they led to further reactions to that comment. I saw straight off that there where quite a few new ones. They seemed to refer to some activity from the weekend before. And writers wanted to know if it had been videotaped as well. I thought about what the doctors had agreed to ... that their activities would be stopped ... all their activities. But if this was their site, they'd just had something going on."
"Damn! No!" This time it was me who'd let the words slip out.
"So I knew that I had to look around some more, as I wanted to find out what had been going on. I wanted this to stop, to make sure that they'd never hurt or blackmail someone again. I checked the video section and it had a preview so I opened it. I can honestly say that, up to that point, one part of me wanted never to have to do this ... but I just hoped it wasn't all in vain."
"It was of Nick?" my dad whispered.
"Yes, sorry, sir. It was. I didn't recognize him at first but ... well, let's say that there was a close-up of his face. I was stunned for several seconds, as I just couldn't believe it."
"Damn! And they were selling it?"
"Yea, sorry to tell you, sir but they were."
"Good. That will help," Keith said.
"What?" my dad replied.
"It'll help. It'll make traces a bit easier to track. I hope you didn't contact the doc or anything?"
"No, I just contacted Alexei and flew in. I knew that he'd been with Nick during the weekend as it was the finals."
"Good," said Keith. "Can you show us the website? Do you have a computer here?"
"Yea, in my study."
Keith, Randy and my dad went into his study.
"I think we'd better stay here," Brian said. "I have no interest in seeing any of it," he said.
"No, me neither," Alexei added.
"So ... what do you think now?" I asked them.
"Well ... if they can convict them on the tape selling and their links with Mike, it might just be possible that this can all go to trial without Nick having to tell his story live in the courtroom. But we'll just have to wait and see. That would make this case so much easier."
"Ahhh! And Andrew and Peter won't be involved?"
"I don't know. Randy did tell me that he didn't see them on the video so far." "OK ... so you think this can work?"
"I hope so, for Nick's sake. I don't think he'll be able to stand up in court and tell what happened. This way it should be possible to get a conviction without that."
"I talked with him for a bit this morning and I don't think he'll press charges if he has to tell it all."
"No, that is what I was afraid of as well, David, and to be honest I can't blame him. I'm not sure what I would do myself."
"You think he'll be OK?" Andy asked.
"I have no idea. He agreed to go to the shrink, so I hope he can work this out. I have no idea how long it will take to get past all this. He was just getting past his last terrifying experiences."
"Well, we can only be there for him. Do you think he'll still want to go with us to Europe?" Alexei asked me.
"Yea, I hope so. It would be good to be away and it might be good for him to concentrate on something else."
"Do you know, David, how Francis is taking all this?" Brian asked.
"Well, I hope he'll be patient, as Nick probably needs time to recover from this experience," I answered.
"I think their love is strong enough to get past this," Alexei said.
"Well, I'll see if he wants to talk later. Where are Nick and Francis, by the way? Are they still upstairs?"
"No, dad was able to send them off ... as I said, they went to the shrink. But they should be back any minute now."
[Back at the lakeside]
We'd sat down on a bench just by the side of the lake. The wind was making it ripple gently. The sun was making the water glitter a bit. It was nice.
"I'm here for you, Nick. I still love you as much as I ever did."
I looked at him. I could see that he meant what he said, and I hoped that he could see in my eyes that I felt the same way. But without being able to see myself, I wasn't sure what he could see in my face.
"Are you ready to talk about it, Nick?" he asked in a low voice, almost a whisper.
"I don't know, Francis. I feel like I'm walking on the edge of a thin wire.
I feel that I can fall at any time. I have no idea what I need to do to keep on the wire. I'm just trying to live minute by minute. You know, sometimes I think it was just a nightmare that I've blocked out but I know it wasn't and ... I guess I just have to live with it." A deep sigh left my mouth as I ended that sentence.
"I know, Nick. Well, no, I don't know, Nick. Nothing I've ever felt will possibly feel like what you've felt and still feel. I know I can't do a lot to help you with all this, as I know it's something you have to go through on your own. I only want you to know that I'm there ... even if you just need that support to stay on the wire, to keep you on the edge instead of falling off it ... just an ear you might need to confide in or just someone to have fun with ... to forget it all and pass on ... the shoulder to cry on or to lean on and give you that little extra support to be strong."
I saw in his eyes that he meant every word of it. I knew that he had been there in the past for me and I knew he'd be there in the future ... just as I had been around for him ... well, at least most of the time. I wasn't there when his father barged in. I could have prevented that from happening. Damn! He deserved someone better than me, someone who would always be there for him ...
"I know, Francis, and I'll probably need that," I said very quietly.
I felt his hand touching my arm. I wanted it to stay but some part of my body reacted without thinking and his hand fell away. No, not yet ... he deserved better. No, he loved me. My mind was in turmoil. Stop it! He loves you and you love him.
I lifted my head so I could look into his eyes. "I've always known that I could lean on you, Francis. I've done that lots of times and you've totally been there for me, so never doubt that. I probably will do it again, lots and lots of times. I have no idea what the future will bring for us, neither in the short term nor in the long. The only thing I can say is, I love you. I've never stopped loving you for one moment and I don't think I ever could. So, whatever happens, I hope you know that." Tears had started to roll down my cheeks. I wanted to sound as convincing as I could without my voice breaking down.
"You know, you came to me in one of the worst times of my life. I don't know what I would have done last time if you hadn't been there. I might not have taken the pills that day but I could have done it at any other time. I never want to feel like that again and I probably won't as I have grown quite a lot since then. I just need time to let the wounds heal and to leave this experience behind me." I was looking for the right words to continue.
[Back at Nick's house]
It was some 15 minutes before they returned. I saw that both Alexei's and my dad's face had drained of color. I could see the streaks of some tears on their faces. I almost started to cry myself. We waited till one of them spoke.
"I think that will be enough to nail them without Nick having to take the stand. They might want to force him to testify, but I think the prosecutor will be able to make sure he doesn't."
"Good! That just might convince Nick to proceed ... although the case would probably get a lot of attention and I want him to know that that'll happen."
"Yea, he has to be prepared for that, too. There'll be no hiding any more from the moment we start this. We might be able to keep it quiet until the trial starts, but not after that."
"So, you want me to wait for him to return?" Keith asked.
"Yea, they should be back quite soon."
'OK, I'll go and make some phone calls. We don't need to wait for Nick to at least go after the doctors. They'll be on trial anyway. I'll just have to make sure we can link the website and video's selling to them and they're in jail."
"Good. You need help with that?" Randy said.
"Maybe. We might want to talk with you anyway, just to see if you can add anything to how we can secure this bust. I don't want to take a chance of letting them get away with it."
"Dad, are you sure Nick will press charges?" I knew that doing that meant that he'd need to come out as well. That's just something more that needed to be dealt with. He didn't need that now.
"I don't know, David, but it might be part of the process he needs to go through to get rid of this all. It won't be easy, I'm not saying that ... but I'm sure we'll be all here to support him and Francis whenever they need us." He looked around while he said that and there were only nodding faces.
"Do you think I need to give them a ring? I think Francis has got his mobile phone with him."
"No, let's give them all the time they need. They probably went somewhere together to talk, too ... at least, that's what I suggested to Nick they do."
"Oh, OK. Well, guys, I guess we'd better start to prepare some lunch ... you're all going to stay, I expect?"
I saw some questioning in my dad's eyes when I said that but he didn't object, so I guess he'd come to the same conclusion.
"Yea, we can help," Andrew said, as he moved towards the kitchen, followed by Peter and David.
I don't think that Andrew and Peter were prepared for what I had planned for them. I'd been quite silent as they told their story, but my silence didn't mean I wasn't mad.
"How could you?" I said, turning around the moment they had shut the kitchen door.
"David, please, we ...," Peter started.
'No, Peter, whatever we say will come out wrong. We're sorry, David, more than you can ever imagine. We could try to apologize, and I hope you know that we mean it ... but, as I said, whatever we say will come out wrong."
"Probably, Andrew," I answered him while looking at them. Peter was looking down to the ground but Andrew was looking back at me.
"You have to know that we did what we thought was best ... and you have to remember that we were blackmailed into this, just as much as Nick was. We tried to ... well, let's forget about that."
"He blackmailed you, too?"
"Yea, he did. He caught us out of school one day on our way back home, holding hands. It was, I guess, something that was bound to happen ... and, now, we can be ourselves when we are home."
"So, he threatened to out you then?"
"Yea, at school mainly."
"But then to hurt someone like Mike did to Nick?"
'I know ... but he said that Nick was there of his own free will. And we didn't know that Nick was in there until we entered that bedroom."
"I know that coming out is not something you probably are ready for ... but, still, doing something like that?"
"Yea, the experience has cured us for good. This morning we talked about it and we'll give every bit of support we can to Nick and Francis ... even if this means that we have to come out, too."
"Well, after he hears that you were the ones who helped Mike, I have no idea if Nick will want to have anything to do with either of you again."
"I know. I dread the moment we have to tell him, but I guess we need to."
"Yea, I think he deserves to know."
'And Francis, too," Peter add.
"I don't know, Peter. I said I've no idea what Nick will tell him ... perhaps nothing at all. I guess that's all up to Nick."
"Probably," Peter answered.
I could see that Peter was having more trouble with what had happened than I'd realized.
"Come on, let's make lunch. We can worry about the future later." With things more or less back to normal, we chatted our way through lunch preparations.
[Back beside the lake]
He waited for me to continue. "You know," I said after a minute or so. "From the moment we got together, I've been wondering about this. It felt so natural, as if it was meant to be, that I sometimes had a hard time believing it."
"Believe what?" he whispered.
"That you loved me and I loved you. It all went so fast ... and it felt so good, so natural ... as if a part of me had been lost and was found ... like I was healed again. At the moment I'm trying to find that feeling again, Francis, as I've been shaken by all that has happened. I know I can get that feeling back ... but, at the moment, I'm not even sure that I want to look for it."
I saw some unbelief on his face. I was saying it all wrong, I thought.
"Looking for it," I continued, "means having to feel again, and there are other feelings that I felt then, too ... feelings of hurt, of pain, of trust I had in people that was totally destroyed. I wasn't alone in that room, early in the evening ... there were others beside Mike. Why didn't they come forward to help me? So, all in all, I'm shaken up badly, Francis, and it'll take time, lots of time to get past it all."
He moved a bit closer. Now our faces were getting very close. The idea that he was going to kiss me frightened me, as I knew how my body would respond.
He started to whisper, "I know, and I'll give you all the time and space that you need, as long as you know that there are people you can trust and that there are people who are willing to help you ... people who love and care for you, Nick ... people who want to see you back to the cheerful guy you were. Maybe you should try to worry and think a bit less than you normally do and just go with the flow for a while."
He looked into my eyes and, oh! I wanted to kiss him so badly ... but there was a big "no" in me as well. He backed off a bit.
"Do you think you're going to press charges against Mike?"
"I don't know, Francis. I'm afraid what will happen if I do."
"You mean, the press sniffing it out and outing you?"
"And you," I replied.
"If that what it takes to get the bastard behind bars, then go ahead and out me. And together, I'm sure, we can handle every hurdle we need to take."
"Yea, well ... I don't know, Francis. I just want some quiet time together, get on with our lives, not be bothered by it ever again."
"Do you think you can let it go, if you don't do anything about it? If you let Mike walk free out of this, wouldn't you be afraid he might be on the next corner?"
I knew he was right ... I would be. Even now I was afraid to go into out-of-the-way corners. In the hospital I'd once gone down to the shop to get something. On the way back, I got lost and found myself in a bit of a deserted area of the hospital, where there'd been a lot of offices with no one around. Trembling, I got out of there as quickly as possible.
"Yea, well, I'm never going to take the stand, Francis. I know I couldn't do that, tell what had happened in front of all those people."
"I know ... but I'm sure we can find a way so you don't have to do that. I'm sure the police aren't eager to let that happen either."
"You think?"
"Well, whatever they say, I won't let it happen. But I think you need to press charges against Mike. You just have to ... you can't go on living with the idea that he'll be back for you."
"Yea, he would," I answered. I saw Francis looking when I said that. "He would, Francis. I know he'd be back for me. He has some kind of strange fixation on me or whatever you call it. He'll be back. He might even hurt you because of my love for you." Damn! Another reason I should let him go! He not only deserved better but he also was in danger as long as we were together.
"Oh, you think?" he asked.
"Yea, I know for certain. I got him to talk at one point and I could see that he ... he ... well, let's not talk about that." I saw some disappointment on his face when I said that. "I'll tell you some day, Francis ... don't worry, I need to. I know that talking about it will help. But it is going to take time, my friend, lots of time."
"I know and you have all the time you need. So, you want to go home now or to the police."
"Home first and then the police, I guess."
"OK, let's go then." He stood up. I waited for a moment.
"You'll have to bring me back to this place again, Francis. We can hang around the lake and have lunch in the restaurant and think back of our first date." Yes, we'll have to do that soon. It'll help, I thought.
He held out his hand. I looked at him and slowly I took it. A small smile appeared on Francis's face. Hand in hand, we walked back to the car.
More soon,
For this years anniversary of CA I want to do something special. I want to know where are you from so I can make a picture of all of my readers where they are on this world, or even outside it LOL.
Well let me know bye e-mail: noway16@hotmail.com or through ICQ 36967366.
To be kept informed about my updates of the story go to my yahoo group which is mentioned on my website at www.geocities.com/timsfunplace.