"Hey asshole! What the fuck do I have to do to get some service around here?" I groused in a joking manner from the end of the counter.
In case you didn't know, I'm inside a cigar shop affectionately known as Fat Jim's. The name doesn't even begin to do justice. Fat Jim is a great bear of a man who stands 6'6". He's bald, got a great big brown beard, and best of all a huge round gut that would put Santa's to shame even after he's had all them cookies and milk from his trip `round the world in one night. Fat Jim's a pretty friendly guy and an all-around jokester.
Fat Jim met my gaze and slowly rumbled his way over to me with a great white smile. "You really wanna know?" He asked slyly.
"Shut up.." I chuckled before I motioned with a hand, "I need a cigar to carry me over the weekend. I really am ready to sink into a beanbag chair and not move... an inch... at all." I leaned down on the counter as Fat Jim eyed me curiously from his tall height.
"A cigar... A cigar.." Fat Jim mused before he pointed up to the ceiling, "I have the cigar for you." He walked through an open door and disappeared into the backroom. As I could hear sounds coming from within, I edged my way down the counter so that I could see through the open door. What I saw was Fat Jim's great big rump. It was delicious in them baggy jeans. My rump-gazing was over as Fat Jim straightened up and turned to see me.
"You'll like this `un, Mark." He started as he approached me, "It's perfect for you." He held the cigar out in front of me but my eyes bugged out at what I saw. The cigar was twelve inches long and incredibly thick. A choked gurgle escaped from me before I shook my head softly, "Fat Jim, I know you like things as big as you are but... That'll tide me over for the next two months."
"It's on the house." He urged as he moved his hands closer. "Go on, Mark, Try it."
I stared at the ominously huge cigar. I didn't want to offend Jim's generous offer so I took the cigar in one hand and nodded, "Thanks." However, before I could stop him, Fat Jim pulled out a blue flame cigar lighter and flicked it open. There went my chance of trying to get out of it. I smiled like an idiot and let Fat Jim light the cigar as I puffed. It felt unnatural, the way it stretched my lips around its tremendous size.
"Okay, that should do it," Fat Jim said as he clicked the lighter off. "Take a big inhale on that motherfucker."
I chuckled nervously before I did as instructed. I can't explain what was coming over me. My vision became blurry and I felt very lightheaded. A large cloud of smoke poured out of me as I exhaled and started coughing. Fat Jim laughed and patted me heavily on the back. "There, there! That was a good one! How was it?"
My voice croaked unexpectedly as I replied, "Besides feeling like I'm sucking on a smokestack?"
Another laugh from Fat Jim. "Besides that!"
"Well," I started before I realized. It was pretty good. I confirmed my thought with a nod and verbalized it, "It was good. Very good. It has a big kick though..." I noticed Fat Jim couldn't stop grinning at me so I straightened up and smiled back at him as I asked, "Afraid I wouldn't survive one of your beastly cigars?"
"That's one of my concerns," He chuckled. "Go on, have a seat, I'll join you. I need to close up."
I walked to a great velvet green chair and sat down. I gave my cigar another look and decided to give it a few good puffs in order to get a good feel of it, to savor the scent and aroma that it had. My vision went slightly blurry and I was feeling lightheaded again but it was all good, to me in the least. It felt like I was lost for hours before a familiar voice aroused me from my daydreaming.
"What are you thinking?" Fat Jim asked as he sat on his red leather chair.
"Oh, nothing... Thinking I oughta get a good start on this cigar before Saturday comes."
Fat Jim and I chatted for approximately an hour, talking about meaningless topics or debating about politics. A couple of snifters made the time more enjoyable. At last, with the grandfather clock striking nine, Fat Jim decided it was time to retire and head home. As we both stood up simultaneously, I couldn't help but notice something was different. Fat Jim seemed... Fatter? Bigger? I'm not short by any means... I've always been proud of being six feet tall. I guess the cigar and brandy got me feeling more dizzyheaded than I expected! I shrugged the delusion off with a chuckle and shook Fat Jim's hand. "Have a good evening!" I said as I walked to the door and let myself out into the slightly dark street lit by store signs.