This story is about a young man's quest to fix a major birth defect--he was born without a penis. On his quest he meets his soul mate and many other soon to be friends.
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Chapter 10--The Mistake
Chris woke late and alone in bed although Tom's scent still lingered on the pillows--forest in springtime. It provoked the memory of his dad and him camping in the Kettle Moraine in May: the leaves still jade green and translucent, flowers profuse while the sun still hit the forest floor, and the smell of old leaves whispering behind a cacophony of new growth. They found two handfuls of wild strawberries, small like peas, and had them on their morning cereal. Chris brushed the memory aside, cherished but painful. But Tom's scent was different--that of older forest where flowers were more fragrant, almost overwhelming in richness: lily of the valley, wild rose, mint, and bergamot. strong but tempered by spring breeze and wood--oak and birch and small junipers. Chris never remembered being so taken by smells before, but then he never had met Tom. Tom felt so right in a world where everything was wrong. This worried Chris. Was his attachment to Tom from a need for security? The places he and Tom had gone were places he had never been and not likely to every go to--was he seduced by the trappings? Izzy, Ariel and Cedrick, so warm and open to him as mutilated as he was both physically and emotionally--was he so desperate for acceptance? And Tom, sweet, kind, loving, great sex, strong, considerate, more great sex, supportive, honorable, thoughtful, perfect--was he that needy? Was he falling in love after only five days, no six? Way to short. Love grows over time--bonsai: pruned, trained, and slow growing. It is not a cupid's arrow or a love potion causing irrational behavior, which were quickly diluted by the waters of reality. Chris took Tom's pillow and pulled it over his face. Tom, my Tom, whatever this is I do not want it to end. Chris tossed the pillow aside and sat up in bed, He could hear Tom faintly in the living area, it seemed he was on the phone. What about Tom. Does he feel the same way? I think so. I don't think I'm charity, a waif rescued from the evil clutches of the street. Chris laughed as the song "Where is love" from Oliver lilted through his mind. So gay. Tom knows so much about me but I know nothing about Tom. That needed to change today. Chris threw off the covers, slipped on the hotel robe--decadent plush Chris could get used to--and headed toward the living area. Chris stopped at the doorway; Tom was still on the phone.
"Yes, I know that Grandda must approve, but I do not see any objections."
"I agree that Chris and I must meet him in England at the Thistledown, but I want to wait until near Christmas."
"That would be great, if you and Ariel would approach him and smooth the way."
Talking to Cedrick, Chris thought with a smile.
"Of course, I am nervous, but his approval will not change how I feel."
"I know this is fast, too fast, But who are you to talk? You and Ariel committed after only a month. It seems to be the Greenwood way."
"Look Ariel adores Chris and she carries a lot of weight in the family."
"No, we have not discussed our family."
"I know I need to; it is only right."
"I understand my family responsibilities since my dad refuses to return to England, ever."
"I know Grandda wants me to have children, But the Greenwoods seem to breed gay children like a dog shaking water."
"I could adopt."
"No, you cannot give me Daniel." Tom laughed. "He is your git and your problem."
"I know too many stories about his antics to be bamboozled by your white wash."
"Yes I am procrastinating. I don't want to scare Chris."
"I think he is fragile."
He thinks I'm fragile! He just has not seen me riled, yet. Chris scowled and red flushed his face.
"Yeah, your right. He has a solid core, but I just don't know."
"No, it's not Toby. He was just casual; we scratched each other when we itched."
"I haven't told him yet."
"Yes he texted yesterday wanting to hook up when I returned to New York."
"Believe me, we are just casual, and he will not be hurt."
"I know you don't want anyone hurt, but I will handle it when I feel the time is right, so lay off."
Chris was confused but what he knew was only half a conversation. He wandered back into the bedroom. Tom had briefly told him about Toby but not that they were a regular item. But more disconcerting was the grandfather's approval and the family secret. It seemed like something out of a Gothic novel. He did not want to renege on the modeling contract. He had earned the contract on his own and was looking forward to having a career. But maybe he needed to distance himself from Tom. Go on his own until Tom sorted himself out. Chris quietly dressed, wrote a note to Tom that he would be out and didn't know when he would return. He lay the note on the dresser, which promptly blew off as Chris rushed by. Tom was still on the phone with Cedrick and was oblivious as Chris silently slipped out the door. He needed to talk things over with Hank--his rock.
Tom became frantic when he could not find Chris after searching the hotel room. There were only so many places. He even looked under beds and in closets thinking that Chris might be playing a trick on him. Finally, Tom called the front desk to see if they had seen Chris. They reported that he had left the building but they did not see which direction he went. Tom wanted to run outside and tear down streets searching, but he knew that was just foolish. He needed to be smart and figure out where Chris might go.
Tom returned to his room and sat on the sofa staring into the dead fireplace. His fear, hurt, and anger immobilizing him from what he knew he should be doing--finding Chris. He was startled out of his inertia by a firm hug. It was Cedrick.
"Zack told me that Chris disappeared." Cedrick released Tom from the hug and stared at Tom requiring Tom to return the look. "What happened? Did you have a fight?"
"Don't know." Tom gave a large sign to regroup his emotions. "I got off the phone with you and he was not anywhere in the room." Cedrick nodded. "The bastard didn't even leave a note."
"First Tom, you and Chris are an item. He belongs with you, and he knows this. He is a smart kid."
"Yeah."
"Something scared him and he probably just needs time to think."
"He could tell me his fears."
"Not the same if you are the fear."
"Huh."
"I assume that he heard your half of our conversation. All the stuff about Toby."
"Probably, but he also then heard me tell you that Toby means nothing than f.. sex."
"Tom, you are not the type of person to fuck without emotions. Not you."
"True, I really like Toby. He's a good guy and fun."
"Chris understands that you and Toby are more than just fuck buddies."
"We could have talked about that. I mean Jeez. I mean he has told me about whom he's had sex with."
"I do not think Toby is the real problem."
"What is?"
"What do you know about Chris?"
"Most of the important stuff."
"What does he know about you?"
"I'm a model, he knows you and Ariel, and...."
"See?" Cedrick looked seriously at Tom. "Does he know about your parents, your brothers and sister, Grandda, and the other very important things?"
"Nothing! I've shared very little about me. He knows some of what I like but nothing about me."
"This unknown scared him. He probably heard about Grandpa's approval and the others secrets that were hinted at in the conversation." Cedrick laughed lightly reassuring Tom that none of this was serious. "I mean meeting Grandpa would scare me to dead, and he likes me."
Tom returned the laugh, tentative. "Grandpa is...intense."
"No shit."
"That's why dad immigrated to the States." Tom tilted his head in thought.
"So why have you not told Chris anything?"
"I didn't want to scare him."
"And how did the turn out?"
"I scared him." Tom shook his head side-to-side several times cursing silently his own stupidity. "I've got to find him and make it right."
"I suggest you start with his friends under the bridge." Cedrick stood to leave. "He trusted them and their opinion. That is the first place I would go."
"Sometimes I am so dense. Of course, Hank and Dion." Tom stood. "Thank you Cedrick. I really appreciate the kick in the ass." He gave Cedrick a firm embrace and a kiss on the cheek.
"That is why I am here." He returned Tom's kiss. "Ariel and I really like Chris and think you are perfect for each other." Cedrick headed toward the door. "You try too hard to protect Chris, but he is very strong and can handle anything. He is truly remarkable after what he has been through to still be kind, considerate, and not bitter. He has a core of steal. And whether or not you can make amends to Chris, I and Ariel will always consider him part of the Greenwood family."
"Thanks." Tom whispered as he closed the door. He wanted to lean against the door and cry, but he had people to see.
Tom walked into the Harold Washington Library Center. He had driven by the large red brick edifice many times when he was in Chicago. He had heard cabbies exclaim with pride that it was the largest library in the world. He had always seen the building as imposing and intimidating. It reminded him of the Palazzo Vecchio in Florence. The inside, however, was a revelation. It had the grandeur of Central station and yet felt intimate and inviting.
Tom found the information desk rising from the marble floors and took a chance. "I am looking for a friend. He's blond, a little under six feet, and 19 years old. And he is gorgeous. Drop dead."
The young lady behind the desk looked up and smiled, "Like you?" Tom blushed. "I'm sorry but this is a public space and patrons do not need to check in at the desk. Even if I had noticed him, which is unlikely, I would not know where he is in the building. It is nine stories open to the public." Tom slowly exhaled all hope of finding Chris.
"Do you mean Chris Wentworth?" asked an older woman, who turned from stacking books to face Tom.
"Yes," Hope inhaled.
"He booked some computer time. Third floor."
"Thanks, thanks so much for your help."
The older woman looked at her younger companion and smile, "Young love," and returned to her work.
The elevator to the third floor was too slow for Tom, so he decided to run up the stairs. Winded, he paused at the bank of computers and scanned for blond hair. Startling several patrons as he quickly checked to see if they were Chris, he left the area more worried because Chris was not there, that he missed him and had nowhere else to look. Frustrated, he leaned dejected against the elevator button panel and gave one last hopeless glance. On the other side of the room, away from the bank of public computers sat Chris talking intently with a woman with flame red and sky blue hair. Tom wanted to run over and grab Chris shake him, kiss him, beat the crap out of him. Tom pushed the emotions down and firmly walked over to where Chris sat unaware.
Chris looked up, "Hi Tom, what are you doing here?"
"Looking for you," Tom replied with contained anger.
"Why?"
"Why? You ask why? You just disappeared. I had no idea where you went." Tom shuddered with anger, "If you were coming back." Tom anger melted into a fear he had never felt before. "I thought I had lost you and didn't know why."
"I'm sorry if you worried, but I left a note."
"You're sorry. I practically razed the city looking for you."
"Didn't you see the note I left on the dresser saying I was out for a while and would be returning."
"There was no note!"
"I don't know what happened to the note, but do you think for one minute that I would just leave you? Do you think that I care so little for you to just walk out. Do you think that I am such a coward that regardless of how bad our relationship might be I would not face you and tell you?" Chris's voice rose with each question as his anger rose.
"No." Tom suddenly felt terrible that he had not trusted Chris. "I'm sorry. I just feel I need to protect you."
"I don't need your protection. I've lived on the streets for three years without you and survive without you."
Tom gave a soft laugh, "Cedrick said the same thing."
"Obviously Cedrick has more sense than you."
"Is our relationship so bad that you had to escape?" Tom's voice was plaintive as he worried.
"No," Chris smiled and kissed Tom on the lips, "we're good."
"Sure?"
"Sure."
"Then why did you sneak out?"
"I didn't sneak out. You were on the phone with Cedrick. Granted it was only half the conversation, but you mentioned Toby and your family. Well, I know nothing about you. So, I needed time to think. Hank, I went to him first, suggested I do research. Here I am at the library."
Tom suddenly became aware of his surroundings and the young lady, maybe early thirties, with the two toned hair. She had a "isn't this so sweet" smile on her full caramel colored face. "Cindi," Chris said, "this is Tom, Tom Greenwood." Tom extended his hand, "Tom this is Cindi. She is helping me research. She is amazing at what she can find."
"Pleased to meet you too, Tom Greenwood." She took Tom's offered hand. "Greenwood, named after the forest in England?"
"No," Tom smiled, "the forest is named after family."
Cindi blinked a couple of times uncertain if Tom was playing with her. "Chris has told me about you. You do not know how happy I am that he has you."
"Cindi has been my mentor, sounding board, and coach. She helped me get my GED and was helping me enroll in college."
"Thank you," Tom said with sudden warmth, "thank you for helping Chris. I don't know how but Chris has been able to find truly kind and generous people to protect him," Tom gave a glare at Chris warning not to object. "I've seen so many horrible paths he could have. He could be..." Tom stopped not wanting to think further.
"Chris is a remarkable young man, but actually I did not find Chris." Cindi smiled at Chris, "He found me." She looked at Tom who waited at an explanation. "My boyfriend had just kicked me out of our apartment so he could move his new tramp in, my boss was harassing me, wanting up my skirt so to speak. I was so low that I was ready to take a walk in traffic." She paused, "Then this kid walks up to the desk and takes my hand. He had the face of an angel but the hair was long and unkempt, the clothes shabby. He was obviously a street waif. We are a refuge for many homeless people," she added. "He just looked at me and smiled. `It will be OK' that is all he said." She looked at Tom and saw that he understood. "He said it with such conviction that I could not doubt it." She gave a loving smile to Chris, "Anyhow, he disappeared into the stacks. That afternoon a girlfriend called in a panic; her roommate just bailed to move in with a boyfriend. She was wondering if I knew anyone that needed a place."
Tom looked at Chris and then Cindi, "You know he found me too."
"Oh, it gets even better. The next week my boss gets fired. Apparently, I was not the only one he was making moves on. HR found out and he was out the door faster than it could close on his fat ass. I received a promotion and a raise." She lowered her voice, "I think they did that to prevent me from filing a sexual harassment case. Not that I would." She gave out a raucous laugh that garnered stares from the patrons. "I kept an eye out for Chris. When I finally saw him a few weeks after, I told him what happened. He just gave me that `I told you so' look. Most annoying." Tom nodded in acknowledgment, "So since then we have been working together planning a future for him."
What have you and Chris been researching?" Tom looked at Chris.
"I needed information about Stu's company. The whole contract was very whirlwind. He is a solid reputable company. Very selective in hiring. That relieved me. Then we researched the fashion industry in general. I'm totally ignorant and will need your guidance there." Tom grinned with appreciation. "Then Milan Fashion Week."
"That is so exciting--Milan, La Scala, the Duomo, Leonardo. I'm jealous Chris." Cindi blurted.
"Then we researched you." Tom frowned, "You have told me nothing about yourself and your family," Chris scolded.
"I was not certain how," Tom tried to sound apologetic, "My family is unusual and I didn't want to scare you away."
"That is fucking crap," Chris voice rose, "my family is fucking crap so how can yours be worse."
"Cedrick gave me the same shit this morning about not saying anything."
"If you cannot be honest with me about family. I doubt we have much of a future."
Cowed Tom, "I was going to tell you everything after supper tonight."
"Just because you are almost a lord, does not mean you can treat me like a peasant. Some fucking servant."
"I'm not a lord."
"Your grandfather is."
"Yeah, but I'm not my grandfather."
"Shit rolls downhill,"
Tom looked at Cindi for support. "You're not getting any sympathy from me. I would have slugged you so hard you ass would have been beyond Pluto."
"Chris, please come back to the hotel with me, and we will talk."
"About everything?"
"Yes, everything. No secrets."
"Here Chris," Cindi shoved a large stack of papers across the table to Chris, "I think you might want these," her eyes looked at Tom while her smile was at Chris, "ammo."
"Shit, I'm doomed." Tom said his voice half humorous, half despair.
"If you had been forthcoming earlier, I would not have needed to search." Chris showed no sympathy. "Your fault."
Tom rose and help pull the chair out for Chris. "Cindi, it is a pleasure meeting you," Tom glanced at the pile of papers Chris picked up, "I think."
Cindi rose and came around the table and pulled Tom into a big hug. She whispered into Tom's ear, "You are good for each other, and I am so happy I think I might cry. Take good care of him. He is strong, but even the strongest can break."
"I will take very good care." They broke their hug.
Cindi then went to Chris and gave a hug and kiss. "I will miss you, my angel. I know you are starting an exciting and amazing career, but don't forget college."
"I know, college. Modeling will give me the money to return to school. I will go to college once I know what I want. Until then Tom has me as competition." Chris gave Tom an evil grin.
As the doors to the library elevator closed on Tom and Chris, Chris realized that both literally and figuratively the doors to his past were closing--Dion, Hank, and now Cindi. He was alone in an elevator with Tom, and it felt right.
The ride back to the hotel was silent; Tom was furious at Chris, was furious with himself. As much as he wanted to blame Chris for his anger, he knew it was because of him. And Chris just sat there smug as a diva at a drag show. And that galled Tom even more. Once at the hotel room, Tom slammed the door and headed toward the bedroom expecting Chris to follow, but Chris casually slid onto the sofa and picked up a recent copy of GQ. He intently thumbed the pages trying not to snicker as he heard Tom slam more drawers and doors. Chris knew that it was important that his and Tom's relationship change. Tom did not need to be his protector or savior, although Chris admitted to himself this was nice. No, Tom needed to see him as an equal and independent and strong enough to handle anything. Damn, Chris thought, I told him everything about me and now he is afraid to tell me about his family. Who the fuck cares that his grandfather has some title in England. I love him not the title. The ruckus in the bedroom stopped.
Tom's hand lowered the magazine Chris was reading. Tom handed Chris a piece of paper; it was Chris's note. "I found this on the floor by the dresser." The pain in Tom's face almost made Chris want to kiss the pain away, but he needed to establish the relationship boundaries. Chris gave Tom a look that said you're the one that needs to break my silence. Tom gave a big sigh and straightened himself up, "I'm sorry Chris. I'm an ass," Chris continued his stare without any acknowledgment. The silence was confirmation that Chris agreed with Tom. "It was I panicked. I went to look for you but you had vanished, like a dream in the morning. I had just found you and then you were gone--pouf. It was like falling down stairs, endless stairs, each riser bruising. I need you in my life."
Chris lowered his voice and crisply said, "Do you think that I would just walk out on you. That I am so cold." Tom lowered his head not wanting the lambasting. "I will not say that what we have started will not end." Tom winced. "When I first was forced to live on the street I worried about where I would sleep or find food for the week. I was so focused on tomorrow's tomorrow that I could not function today. Then I met Hank, he taught me to fend for myself today and not obsess about tomorrow. Tomorrow will come, regardless, with its own problems."
"I guess I am moving fast. I see us old and pushing each other's wheelchairs."
Chris gave a small laugh that gave Tom hope of reconciliation. "It is not moving fast but being out of control. A few days ago, I lived on the street. Today, I am planning to go to Milan. But even more frightening is us."
"There is an us?"
"You assume so." Tom froze, afraid to move, afraid what else might be said. "You have not consulted me. Us is two not one deciding."
"I just assumed that you wanted more and you wanted me."
"I do, Tom, I want to plan our lives together, our lives. Ours. But I need to be part of the plan. We need to plan together."
Tom sat there quiet. His mind whirred as he thought how foolish he had been, but then he had never felt like committing to someone else. All his other relationships where not relationships he realized. They were liaisons of convenience. "I've never had a serious relationship before. But I am trying."
"What about Toby?'
"Toby is just fun. We sometimes have sex. Nothing more."
"I doubt that. How often has he texted or left messages this week?"
"A couple." Chris firmly looked at Tom, "Alright, several."
"Every day?"
Tom paused deciding if he should lie or not, then thought better, "Yes."
"More than every day?"
"Yes," Tom fumbled for an excuse. "But it's more like he's bored alone in New York so he texts gossip. We're just friends with occasional benefits."
"Have you told him about us?"
"Not specifically." Chris raised one eyebrow. "Just that I am working with a new person Stu hired."
"I am just a co-worker then." Tom rubbed a hand across his face. "Are you ashamed of me or afraid of Toby?"
"Neither. I guess I just wanted everything about you to myself. I do not want to share anything. I do not want Toby to speculate before he meets you and discovers how wonderful you are. He is a gossip and everyone will know, opinions will form before they know how wonderfully perfect you are."
"Are you afraid that your friends will not like me or will try to tear us apart?"
"No,...Well maybe. The fashion world can be very shallow."
"Bull shit. The entire world can be shallow. You're afraid that I will be hurt or cannot defend myself. Let me tell you buddy, anyone who threatens me, I will rip them a new ass so far up that they will be shitting out their nose."
Tom stared at Chris and started laughing, deep full body laughing. "Sorry Chris," Tom gasped between chortles, "I was just picturing you betting the crap out of Darcy."
"Who?"
"Darcy is a six foot amazon, as tough as nails, and belligerent to boot." Tom's laughing eased. "I see you winning."
"I like her already; we'll be friends and then you watch out."
"Jeez, it's 4:10 we are to meet Izzy and her family at 5:00. Do you want me to cancel so we can talk? I promise no secrets."
"No, I would like to meet her son. As confident as I am about me transitioning, I am scared shitless. He can reassure me that it is worth it." "Go change, casual jeans and shirt. I'll call Cedrick and tell him you are home."
Chris paused at the door to the bedroom, "You are not off the hook, when we get back you will spill everything." He then blew Tom a kiss.