Sunday, September 29
Miscellaneous stuff.
So, I've been bra shopping on the internet. Not just any bras, but everything ABOUT bras. Cis-girls grew up learning about bras from their moms and older sisters. I'm having to cram 14 years of osmosis into a couple of weeks. Sigh... what that means, now, is that I get a zillion push-ads for bras in everything I do. I go to YouTube, and I get bra ads. I go to Amazon, and I get bra ads. I go to Wikipedia to do homework, and I get bra ads. I get unsolicited bra e-mails. It's maddening.
I'm thinking about Carlos constantly. I walk into walls, thinking about Carlos. I forgot to feed Princess, and when I finally did, I called her `Carlos'.
Mom finally `winterized' the pool which means she called the pool company and told them to winterize it, which they did Friday. I have no idea what that means, other than the cover is on and the heater is off. I now have exactly one bikini which I cannot wear, or maybe can if I want to sunbathe, but it's starting to get cold outside, so maybe not.
Mom checked her e-mail and had a note from school that since there was a surprise cold--snap predicted, we could switch to winter wear this week, which for girls meant girl style' oxford shirts, ties in the school colors, and blazers with he school patched pinned onto the pocket. Mom said I could wear some of Becki's old stuff until we could go shopping later this week. She dug out two of Becki's old white blouses and a couple of her old blazers. The blazer fit fine, but the blouse was cut for a girl with a slightly larger chest than mine. I wasn't sure how I was gonna like that going forward. Maybe I could see how the other sister wives looked Monday morning. Remember, I told myself, not standing out' was a good thing.
I am truly and desperately in need of boobs.
I wonder what Carlos is doing?
Noon. I am tired of binge-watching Grey's Anatomy. I believe I will now binge-watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I want to be Buffy, but I'm honestly more Willow.
Brie called. We talked. She asked me about Carlos. I told her all the gory details. She reminded me that anything I say can and probably will be used against me in a court of law. I told her about wearing Becki's hand-me-downs for the time being, and how they barely fit. She told me don't sweat it. Nearly every 9th grade girl either looks too big for the 8th grade blouse she's wearing or too small for the hand-me-down from her sister or the oversized one her Mom bought saying she'd `grow into it'.
Yes, Becky sometimes spells her name with a y' and sometimes with an i'. It varies by season. I think we're in the `i' season now. Becki. Rebecca. Briefly Reba (right after she discovered the Wreckers' live album and she was going thru her C&W period). For one year, Becca.
I really want to wear cute thongs, but I'm stuck with these `orthopedic' thongs that hide my junk. If I was a cis-girl and had pubes, I'd definitely want them waxed off just so I could wear pretty undies.
I just noticed how much Carlos looks like Xander on Buffy. Huh...
Is Carlos going to call me? Does he have my phone number? Did I not give him my phone number???? Damn, I am a rookie at being a girl.
Wait.... Emma-B dates Eric who knows Carlos.
I tried to call Emma-B, but she's out to lunch with her parents and not answering her phone. I tried texting her, but the same.
Five minutes later, Emma-B texted back from the ladies room at the Yacht Club where they're eating lunch. Hmmm.... Note to self.... Remain friends with Emma-B and spend summer on her Dad's yacht.
How big does a boat have to be to be a yacht? Well hell, bigger than anything WE have.
Emma-B: wut?
Me: Did Eric say Carlos said anything about me?
Emma-B: huh?
Me: Last nite. Carlos kissed me.
Emma-B: ur shiting me?
Me: and I forgot to give him I my number.
Emma-B: u fucking amateur. Was it good?
Me: Best ever. Also first ever.
Emma-B: I'll text E. Will let u know. Apple cobbler & ice cream time. BBFN
Sigh, I'm worried about how Emma-B will handle this, but I'm absolutely positive she'll handle it better than I would.
Princess is getting old and has to be lifted up on the sofa. I'm in the basement and Mom is in the den with Aunt Lilly. Yes, Lilly spent the night. No, it wasn't in the guest room. I'm having enuf trouble figuring out my own sexuality, without thinking about Mom's. Back to Buffy.
Two hours later. Text.
Emma--B: Done.
Me: Done what?
Emma-B: Eric's on it. Carlos is his good friend. He'll handle. Boys are simple this way.
Grrrrrr... that could me an a thousand things. I trust Emma and Eric not to fuck this up, but I also don't want to seem too anxious. I just met him 20 hours ago. I am really going to look pathetic.
Buffy episode 3, cheerleading tryouts are interrupted by a witch casting spells and almost killing Buffy. Hmmm.... Drama club was easier.
Mom and Lilly come down to the basement. "Lilly and I are going out. Are you going to wear pajamas all day?"
"No, Mom, I'm going to try out some old stripper clothes I found in the back corner of Becki's closet."
"Funny.... We should be back by dinner, but if we're not, you're going to be OK?"
"Yes, ma'am. Did you leave the vodka in the freezer like I asked?"
"Very funny, little girl. Keep your phone charged."
Just then, Maddy called. Mom and Aunt Lilly slipped back up the stairs."
"So, you slutty bitch, how was it? Did he feel you up?"
"You're sounding like Brie, Madam M. No, he didn't `feel me up'. For what it's worth, he was a perfect gentleman. He just kissed me. Long and hard."
"Tongue?"
"You slut!.... Yes... tongue."
"Oh gawd. And he didn't even try to feel you up?"
"Nothing there to feel, remember, Maddy? I'm still packing. No boobs yet, either."
"Didn't even try to grab your ass?"
Now, I had to think about that. We slow danced a couple of numbers, and if he'd grabbed my ass, I might not have even noticed. "No."
"Damn, but you'd tell me, right?"
"Yes, Maddy. I'd tell everyone. I'd tweet it for everyone to see."
There was a long pause on the phone, and then Maddy said, "ahhh... Christy... how do boobs work with you?"
"What do you mean, `how do they work'?"
"Yeah, like for us, I mean... girls `born' as girls, we start getting boobs sometime before we start getting pubic hair and before our periods. Mine started popping out in the 4th grade, and I got my first period the next year. My sister said she didn't start getting boobs until she was like 13, and then her first period wasn't until she was like in the 9th grade. So, you're not going to get a period, and what happens?"
"Yeah, OK. This is a lot of biology, and I don't really know all of it myself, but here goes. I apparently have a lot of girl hormones and not much in the way of boy hormones, which is very lucky for me cuz I don't want to end up as a boy. Anyway, I hadn't hit `boy puberty' yet..."
"Is that like when their package turns big?"
"Yeah, that and a lot of other things. The first sign for boys is their voice changing. You know how lots of guys sound like chickens cackling for a couple of years? That's the sign. They start growing hair all over the place and have to shave. Some guys get hairier than others. They also go thru a big growth spurt, usually, but not always."
"Yech.... Don't get me wrong, I like guys, but I'd hate to go thru that."
"Yeah, well, they wouldn't do too well with getting a period."
"Gotcha. So about boobs... how does that work?"
"Well, my doc has me on what are called `puberty blockers'. It's a medicine to keep my body from producing boy hormones. But by itself, nothing will happen. I'll basically keep looking like this unless something else kicks in. If I prove to him that I'm serious about this, and go thru a lot of psychological counseling and such, he'll put me on estrogen."
"Estrogen... that's what I have, right?"
"Yeah, that's what your body produces naturally and in puberty it kicks into high gear and you start growing boobs and your butt get curvier and all that. I'll have to take it by prescription."
"And then you'll get boobs, right?"
"Well, it's not that simple. There's not a lot of research on this, believe it or not. Apparently, a trans-girl who starts like I did and goes on hormones can expect to grow about a cup size smaller than the other women in her family. Both Mom and Becki are solid c-cups, maybe a bit bigger, so I'm probably headed for a full B. I'd start growing shortly after starting estrogen and depending on the dosage, it would. Take about as long as you took."
"It took me about a year to get to a `B' cup, and my doctor says I'll probably get a little larger in high school."
"Yeah, I've read a lot about this. In high school, it's more about diets and steroids in the food you eat."
"So when are you going on hormones?"
"Dunno. I'm seeing my doc tomorrow. Probably not immediately, but we'll see. And this was all about you wondering if Carlos tried to feel me up, right?"
"Uhhhh... well.. "
"It's OK, Maddy. I love you."
"Luv you too, Christy. Be safe."
Why was everyone always telling me to be safe? Anyway, Buffy, episode 4. This is the one where the substitute teacher is a giant praying mantis.
I heated up some cheap, leftover Chinese food, in honor of telling Maddy all about hormones and steroids. Half way thru the General Tso's chicken, my phone rang with a number I didn't recognize.
"Hello?"
"Hey! Christy? This is Carlos."
I suddenly forgot about Chinese food, about the Chinese people, and about China in general. Sound cool. Sound cool. Sound cool."
"Hey back at ya!" What a truly dumbass thing to say.
"Great to meet you last night."
Last time I saw you, you had your tongue down my throat for 5 minutes and you're saying great to meet you'. "Yeah, same. That was my first school dance, and I've been out' as a girl for like 3 days, so I was paranoid as hell. IT was REALLY great meeting you. I probably would have left after an hour if you hadn't been there."
Too needy? Yeah... Too needy. Too talkative. Too much bullshit on my part. I'm blowing this, and not in a good way.
"Well, I couldn't tell it. You looked like you were having a great time."
Can he hear me batting my eyelashes his direction? "Yeah, well, I'm trying to be a quick learner."
<30 minutes later>
"So how are you enjoying drama club?"
"I've been in it exactly one day." I then spilled my guts telling him how Mr. Petrie had basically assigned me there to make sure the school's pet transgender girl didn't have any spare time on her hands."
"Wow, I did not know. Look, Mac is a great teacher, although right now he's a little hyper about this play. I told him to do Romeo and Juliet or something, but he's trying to be creative, and apparently we have a head cheerleader who wants this on her college application. He'll take good care of you, and I'll make sure no one fucks with you in drama. You'll be OK."
"Sigh.... Wow, that's good to hear. Thanks."
<45 minutes later or so>
"So, Christy, look, I gotta get some last minute homework done for tomorrow. I'll. see you at lunch?"
"Yeah. Lunch. It's a date!" What a massively stupid thing to say. I can't believe I said that.
He chuckled, "Yeah, I gotcha. I'll see you then."
Voice mail from Mom - "call be back, baby."
Hit dial. "Mom. I'm sorry I missed your message."
"I was worried."
"Yeah, I was on the phone with a boy from my drama club."
"A boy? Do I know him?"
"No, Mom, but I met him at the dance last night. He's a friend of Eric, who dates Emma."
"Well, OK, did you eat?"
I looked a plate of very cold, re-heated, cold again Chinese food. "Yes, Mom, I ate."
"Well, Lilly and I have had a bit too much to drink, and I'm going to spend the night over here. I'll be home in time to take you to school in the morning. OK?"
It wouldn't be the first time I'd spent the night without her, so I was cool with that. I was actually glad to see she and Lilly were... well... close. "OK, I'll be fine."
"OK, night night, baby. See you in the morning."
Dialed Maddy. "You called?"
"Did he call you?"
"Yeah, we talked for a few minutes. It was all good. I'll see him at lunch tomorrow."
"OK. Eric says Carlos is a really great guy. Be nice to him. I'll see you first thing in the morning."
"OK."
Be nice to him? I wonder that that meant....
I tossed out the Chinese food and settled for my normal staple, cherry chocolate vanilla ice cream and a large spoon. I suddenly wasn't in a Buffy mood anymore and settled in for another Grey's anatomy. By about 10-ish, I realized how exhausted I was. I also realized how much Carlos looked like George O'Malley on `Grey's' but not as geeky. I grabbed Princess cuz she really can't climb stairs anymore, and headed for bed.
I had now officially gone 24 hours without bathing or changing clothes. I was sure I'd smell so bad in the morning you could hear it, but what the hell.