I have been informed that it would be a good idea to state a few warning comments. There may be graphic sexual scenes between men in this story, so please, if this offends you, or it is illegal or you are underaged to read such, stop here and hit your "back" button. If it is okay with you, read on and enjoy. I also want to thank Nifty for the opportunity to post my stories here. I have met some very nice people and been afforded an opportunity to express myself as never before. The feedback I have received here has encouraged me on to write more. Thanks to you all.
From Chapter 26:
"Morty, am I gonna die?" I asked, hopefully.
"Seth, no -- I don't think -- I -- I don't know. We will take you and get you tested this afternoon. God, Seth, if I had any idea you would go -- I just feel -- terrible!"
"Morty?"
"Yes?"
"Morty -- I want to die. I just don't want to keep living without him."
"Don't talk like that!"
"Do you want me to lie to you?"
"No, I guess not. Seth, will you -- can I -- I want you to talk to a friend of mine."
"A shrink?"
"Well -- yeah."
"I've talked to one already. She said it would go away. It didn't -- hasn't."
"I know. Eldon is an older friend of mine -- and he's really good."
"I want to die, but -- I realize that I could not do it - to myself. I'll - I'll talk to him."
Chapter 27
"So, Seth, Why are we here?" Dr. Ebsen asked.
I could see it coming. All the same tired questions. "(sigh) How do you want me to answer that?"
"Well, what do you expect to get out of talking to me."
"I just want it to hurt less."
"You could accomplish that without me, Seth."
"What? How - " This was not what I expected.
"Seth, you could drink yourself into a stupor, but you don't choose to do that. I could prescribe drugs that would make you feel better. And it would actually make it hurt less. Is that what you want?"
"(SIGH) -- no?"
"That sounded like a question, Seth. Do you need validation from me that what you want is `okay'?"
"Dr. Ebsen,"
"You can call me Eldon."
"K. I am here because Morty asked me to. I want you to tell me what I want, I guess."
"Well, Seth - - I can't do that. All I can do is ask you questions. You have all the answers."
"But . . . it . . . hurts."
"And no one your age should have to deal with this kind of pain, Seth. But it happens. Maybe we can start this way. Can you tell me where it hurts?"
"Wha -- I -- What do you mean?"
"I want you to point to where it hurts."
I clouded up. This was -- hard. I pointed to the middle of my chest. "Here."
"Stand up, Seth."
I stood and he came to me and put one hand on the center of my back, and the other where I pointed. Is this where it hurts?" I could feel him pressing and it actually felt better.
"Yes."
"Does that feel any better?"
"Yes."
"Let's try something else." He said, "Stand there with your hands at your sides." He then wrapped his arms around me and held me in a very chaste hug -- no intimate body parts touching. "How does that feel?"
"Better."
"Now put your arms around me, and do the same to me." He dropped his arms to his side. I hugged him the same way. "How did that feel?"
"Even better."
"Now lets do it together." As soon as he said that I put my arms around his waist and started to pull our lower parts together. "No, Seth. That is confusing. Sex confuses at a time such as this. Just a warm hug without touching any erogenous zones, k?"
"K"
"How does that feel?"
"Good."
"In comparison to -- just hugging one other?"
"Much better."
"Seth, our time is almost over. What have you learned today?"
"Um -- that hugs are good?" "What else?"
"You're gonna make me work at this aren't you?"
"What else?" He persisted.
That -- um -- sex can confuse me?"
"What else?"
"That -- um -- the hurt will not just -- um -- go away on it's own?"
"Right. And that it may never go away altogether. You have to go through it. But your mother has already told you that!"
"How do you know that?"
"I know mothers! Stop by the desk and make another appointment if and when you want one."
"Okay."
"And one more thing -- Seth?"
"Yes?"
"Don't forget -- it felt better to hug than to be hugged. As you -- serve others -- it will hurt less."
I found myself hoping he was not disappointed that I was not doing flip-flops as I left. He gave me some things to think about -- to work on. How did he guess that I was finding -- relief -- through sex? And I knew he didn't mean masturbation -- unless it started to rule my life. I had already started feeling a bit guilty about sleeping around. But that didn't stop me. Now maybe I had more reason to stop.
". . . so this is what I need."
"You know we will do whatever you need, Seth!" Craig said. And he held his arms out to me. I melted into his arms. He was careful, as I asked, not to do anything that would arouse me. It was such a -- rush -- of love. It was so much more than I received from the shrink. When I let him go, my brother was waiting.
"Hey! Who's this for?" I said in mock indignation.
"For you, little brother -- for you! But it won't hurt my feelings any either!" He hugged me much more vigorously than Craig did. And he kissed me on the cheek. "I love you so much, Seth!"
Boy, Eldon was so right about that! It Did feel so great, and the pain in my chest was all but forgotten. It was Rob's turn. I couldn't forget Rob! He surrounded me with his warmth. He hugged me so gently and I felt so much love! And then he told the other guys to hug us both. He stayed in non-intimate (genital) contact with me, and Chris and Craig hugged me from either side. I felt such overwhelming energy and love from the three of them!
Then Rob said, "How does it feel, Seth?"
"Like I am in heaven!"
"And, Seth, how do you feel about Brian, now?"
"I -- it -- really hurts a lot when I think about him," and I tried to stifle a sob.
"Don't, Seth." Rob commanded. We are here to provide a buffer. Let it out, Seth."
Given permission, I started to cry as I had not since I woke up from my long sleep. I sobbed and gasped and blubbered, and they just kept holding me until I was cried out. Then I felt nothing but pure love. I could feel it as if it came from all four of them. Yes, it felt as if Brian was there too. I believe he was.
"You can sleep with me tonight -- if you want, Seth." Rob said.
"I -- okay." I was a little confused.
"I don't want you to be alone right now. Let's go to bed."
I wore my boxers and he his briefs, and we both wore tees. He put a pillow in front of his genitals and then spooned me. It felt so -- right! No Sexual tension. Nothing but love and security. I lay there in Rob's embrace, feeling completely loved. I heard as his breathing got deep and even, and his arms relaxed more around me. I snuggled even closer and he involuntarily squeezed me. I glanced at the clock, closed my eyes, and then I was dreaming a wonderful dream.
There was such incredible light that if it were real, it would have blinded me. Yet I could see perfectly. The colors were so much more bright and vivid than the real world! I was thinking this when he said, "THIS is the real world Seth! The world where we come from is dark and temporary."
I immediately was aware of Brian speaking to me. I was also aware so acutely that I did not belong here. I was so ashamed after my night in the park, my times with Jack and Morty, my times with Eddie! "I'm sorry -- so sorry, Brian -- I - "
"It's okay Sweetheart -- it really is. You had to something learn. That's why you're there. Thank God you didn't get any disease. You can also thank Morty for that. He got you going on that medication before anything could really take hold. And -- I know now that Robert had AIDS. Somehow neither you nor I got the virus. Want to know something strange?"
"What?"
"I still love him!"
"Who?"
"Robert!"
Wha -- how -- huh?"
"Robert was a big part of my life, Sweetie. I learned from him. I have to embrace my life as a complete learning experience. He contributed -- greatly -- to that. And I will tell him so when he gets here."
"You mean he will come there?"
"Oops! Did I say that? Seth, nearly everyone comes here. Some go to other places even better. But love rules here, and when you get there you will understand that you need to be thankful for everything and everyone in your life."
"I -- I can feel it -- here -- but I can't understand it, Bri."
"I know. And I can't explain it -- in terms you could understand. Just know that almost everyone who has been granted a mortal body will receive love in the next life. And incredible glory!"
I asked what `glory' meant, but he could not answer. I don't remember any more. I just know that when I woke up, I felt different. Better. It was still dark. I looked at the clock, and it was only a half-hour after I remember looking at the clock, before I went to sleep. Rob's arms and body was still embracing me. I fell into a dreamless sleep. I woke up as Rob was leaving to go to the bathroom.
"Sleep okay, Seth?"
"Oh yeah! Rob, - I love you so much!"
"You know I think the world of you, Seth. I love you too. Did you dream anything, Seth?"
"Yeah. It was an awesome dream."
"Wanna tell me about it?"
"I don't think I could. It was mostly feelings. Brian was there -- and it was wonderful! I feel wonderful!"
"I'm so glad, Little Bro! I am SOOOO glad!
"Rob? I -- I want to apologize."
"For what?"
"For -- not listening to you -- and for -- worrying you!"
He lay back down, forgetting about his pee-woody, and hugged me close. "You are the best little brother a guy could have, Seth!" I giggled a little. He looked down. "OH! Sorry!" and he jumped up and went into the bathroom.
Things went better for the next week. When work was over, I headed back to Santa Barbara and Chris's for the weekend. I told Mom and Dad that I was feeling much better, but still wanted to see my brothers. When I got there, there was an extra SUV in the driveway. An Eddie Bauer Explorer. When I got into the house, Buck was there. I said hi and headed for my bedroom, supposing he was there to see Chris and Craig. I was hanging up a pair of pants when Chris came in.
"Hey, Buck is out there waiting for you."
"For me?" I said. "Why me?"
"He came to see you!"
"Oh! Sorry. Tell him I'll be right out."
I was still in my clothes from work. I came out into the living room. "Hi Seth."
"Hi, Buck." I didn't know what else to say. I guess he didn't either.
"Uh, Can I take you out for dinner?"
"Uh, sure! What -- why - ?"
"I -- um -- I just want to talk to you."
"K. I need to change my clothes. I've been in these all day. And maybe shower?"
"Take your time. I'll talk to your brothers for awhile longer."
"Cool."
As I stripped down and headed for the shower, I wondered why Buck wanted to talk to me. Was he upset that I got the Ferrari? Probably not. I guessed I was still a bit sensitive about our first meeting. I remembered what Brian told me in my dream. Everything and everyone are for our learning.
When I was all cleaned up and dressed, I reappeared. I gave Chris and Craig hugs. Rob wasn't there, but when I finished with Craig, I just sort of naturally went on to Buck. He was not familiar with the "rules", and he hugged me closer than I expected. My reaction was quicker than I anticipated. I think he must have felt it. I know I felt his!
"We'll see you when you get home then, Seth?"
"Do you want me to -- wake you?" I don't even know why I asked that. I didn't need to return and report. But if I didn't return, they would worry.
As soon as we were out the door, Buck said, "So I guess you are pretty -- um - ?"
"Devastated?"
"Well -- yeah.! Sorry, it just came out wrong."
"S'okay. There is never quite any way to start a conversation like this. I expect you must be -- pretty hurt by it too." I said.
"Ohhhh, yeah! I had just" He opened my door for me, "I had not even quite gotten used to the idea of my own -- er -- homo-feelings, and I had so much I wanted to talk to him about -- so much to apologize for! "
"I can tell you this, Buck. He knows. He knows how you feel. And not only that, he loves you and is thankful you were part of his life."
"You talk so positively. How can you be so sure?"
"You know I talked to your parents."
"Your parents too, Seth! They told me that they have unofficially adopted you."
"I have spoken to him."
That's what they told me. And they said it so surely as if they knew it was true. How can that be?"
"Heh, I think you might be blinded by your `faith'."
"What?"
"You have been to school and received a degree in what men have determined is the Gospel". It's hard to turn your back on all that knowledge'."
"You are really tweaking my buttons! What are you talking about?"
"All I am saying is that you need to have an open mind. That's all."
"I'll try. What -- how -- what the hell did you - !" He started. "Sorry, tell me what you think you -- experienced."
"In the first place for me it is real, so I don't `think' I experienced it -- I know!" I started. I then proceeded to tell him everything, including what I could describe from my dream.
"Do you think he could come to me?" He asked me.
"I don't know. As far as I know, he hasn't come to your -- to Mom and Dad. I really don't know, Buck. Maybe it is something to do with the love connection -- the `romantic' love connection."
"Oh."
"But I really can't say that! What I can say is -- as I already said -- he loves you, he understands and he hold no grudges. They can't exist there. He is still learning. Just because he is no longer here doesn't mean he has stopped learning. He learns from new people who come where he is, as well as the ones who have been there. He said he wants me to experience as much of life as I can -- so I can teach him." I was getting dry, but I went on. "Buck, I can assure you that he forgives you. It's something he said just comes with the territory. Love and forgiveness are the rule there."
"But -- how can he just come back and talk to you -- that doesn't happen!"
"Remember -- open mind, Buck. Who is our example?"
"Jesus."
"Yup! And what did he do when he died?"
"He was raised form the dead."
"Yes, but he also came and went -- visited with them -- for 40 days -- in person. And when he finally left, he sent the Holy Ghost to be with them -- right?"
"Yes, but, he is God."
"Yup! And when he was resurrected, many others were raised at the same time and they appeared to many in the streets -- right?"
"It DOES say that!"
"So if they could do it -- and if He is our example -- why couldn't Brian do the same?"
"Mmm. I see, I guess. It goes against so much I have learned."
"In school! Brian taught me to stick to the scriptures. They don't lie. Men do!"
"Wow! That's pretty inflammatory!"
"Well, that's only my feeling."
"What -- er -- did -- did he -- uh -- did he mention anything about -- me?"
"No, he was pretty focussed on me. He didn't even mention your parents. Only helped me with my questions. Buck, how are you doing?"
"What do you mean?"
"Since Brian died. How have you been?"
"Devastated. Disappointed. Like I was cheated."
"I was immobilized."
"Really?"
"I wanted to die. Tried in some ways to kill myself."
"REALLY!?"
"I think he needed to comfort me, and was allowed to -- maybe because I was in danger."
"Oh." He then looked very pensive. "So -- since I -- or Mom and Dad -- were not `in danger' he did not have to come to them - us?"
"Maybe. I just dreamed about him last week. I have felt so much better since then!"
"Really? Do you think he was communicating with you through your dream?"
"I think so! It was after my brothers and Rob hugged me -- I really needed that hugging session!"
"So it really helps?"
"Oh yeah!"
Just then, He pulled into Brian's old condo. And then Brian's garage opened up and he drove in.
"Wha -- what's -- why are we here?" I exclaimed.
"I live here! When I finally admitted my preference for men, it seemed fruitless to be preparing myself any more for a ministry which is not gay friendly. So I moved back and took over the mortgage here. It's a little pricey, but I like it. He shut off the motor and started to get out.
"No. NO! I can't -- I -- don't want -- to -- go in."
"Seth, you have to face it sometime. He's gone. It hurts a lot -- to me too, you know -- but he has left some very nice perks for us. Don't begrudge me that."
"I don't. But I just can't go in there!"
He came around to my side and opened my door. "Sure you can. Look, you say that Brian has visited you and made you feel at least comfortable that he is in a wonderful place where we all can go someday, and that he loves you -- maybe even more -- and that you have the freedom to go and do as you please, and won't lose that love. You can come into my home! Please? It will probably be a shock at first - "
"Why, have you redecorated already?"
"No, because I have not changed anything. I want to warn you. The first time I went in, I had the feeling he would just walk out from the bedroom or kitchen! But it soon passes. Trust me."
I didn't. But I went in. As soon as I stepped in the door, I was drawn to the sea. I thought about other times when we would stand, sit or lay, looking out at that same view. The dark islands, halo-ed by the sunset. The spots of light on the islands and bobbing on the water. Then my eyes drew closer. The couch, the coffee table. The TV with the fish tank screen saver. The Smell!
I broke down and started to sob. I lost strength. I would have collapsed if it hadn't been for Buck catching me. I was a wreck. He picked me up -- exactly like Brian used to do -- and carried me toward the couch. I grabbed him desperately and cried on his neck. God, he even smelled like Brian! I was shaking all over.
"SHHhhh, buddy. I'm so sorry! I didn't think it would be this traumatic for you. I would never have brought you - "
I was able to squawk out, "No, it's not your fault. (SOB) I -- it's just that -- everything is so - "
"I know, Seth, I know." And he kissed me on the cheek.
I wrapped my arms around his back and moved my lips to his mouth. He tastes like Brian! After an initial pause, he kissed me back. He was a little awkward, but he knew how to do it all right! His lips were not as full as Brian's but ^Å
"Seth, this is not right."
"I know." I said as I pressed my body into his. His reaction was immediate. I tore open his shirt. A smooth chest -- like mine. It felt good. It was cool. I kissed his well-developed pecs, and could visibly watch as his nipples reddened and raised up. I sucked on one and he let out a low moan. I bit it a little and he half giggled, half shrieked.
"Seth, we can't!" he said.
I didn't even think about the fact that he didn't know about my visit to the rainbow club. "It's okay. I'm safe." I protested. "I've been tested!"
"No, I mean -- what?" He flinched. "Why were you tested?"
He stopped cold.
"I -- went to -- the rainbow club."
"You knew about that awful park?"
"I was stupid -- out of control -- insane with sadness. I just wanted to -- connect -- with someone -- and then die!"
He shrunk away from me. It made me feel dirty. "Seth -- I didn't mean to take advantage of you."
"I thought -- it was me -- taking advantage of you."
"I just didn't realize you were still so -- vulnerable."
"Yeah -- and dirty."
"Seth, no! I didn't mean - "
"It's not your fault, Buck. It's NOT! It just - - is! I have made some bad decisions -- stupid mistakes. I shouldn't have come in here."
"No, SETH! I nearly dragged you in here. You didn't want to come in. I'm so sorry!"
"I'm sorry! Buck, I am so sorry! I've made such a mess of my life! And now I'm trying to screw with yours!" I walked toward the door.
"Where're you going?"
"Please take me home, Buck. I want to be alone -- now."
"You don't -- shouldn't be -- alone -- especially now!"
"I want to go home! Please take me back."
"Seth, why don't you put your jacket on -- it's still here -- and go for a walk while I fix some dinner. Be alone for awhile, but -- I -- I need you right now as much as you need me, I think."
After taking a deep breath and exhaling loudly, I said, looking at the floor, "Okay."
I shrugged on my jacket and walked out the door. I walked into the garage, looking at where his car used to park. I could almost see him sitting there, his motor whining low, smiling up at me from his driver's seat. I let out a little cry. Will it ever stop? I looked at the house. It looked exactly as it always was. I took a deep shuddering breath and walked back toward the house. I walked around the right side toward the back. I couldn't walk very far.
There was no back yard -- only steep rocks. I walked out on a particularly steep overlook. I looked back and into the house. Buck was standing at the sink peeling something. There were lots of boats out there. They could see the window, and with binoculars could probably see Buck there preparing dinner for us. They couldn't know what he was thinking. I didn't know what he was thinking.
They could not see the small young man throwing himself off the cliff. They couldn't know what he was thinking. The last thing I remember was Buck turning as I was past saving myself, standing with his mouth open, and an incredibly helpless and horrified look on his face. I don't remember hitting anything on the way down.
"Seth, you have to go back! You can't come here by your own will!"
"But my darling Brian, I only want to be with you!" I could not see him -- only hear him.
"No, Seth! We can never see each other if you don't go back and live out your life! Man was never meant to take his own life."
"I don't care any more -- I only want to be with you -- YOU, Brian!"
All at once he was at my side, touching me, kissing me. Only -- only --
"Brian! Why can't I feel you?"
"You can't because you can't do this. We will never be able to embrace again if you don't go back. Sweet, Sweet Seth, You KNOW I love you. Please believe me, it can't be this way. If you don't go back soon, they can't save you -- you will be lost to me -- forever. Please go back -please -- please! I love you -- I lo - "
His voice faded away as a new voice invaded.
"Seth, please come back. You can't leave us in this way."
I tried to open my eyes. I think it was Chris talking to me -- maybe it was my dad -- or Rob. It was hard to tell with the echo. I could hear other voices. I could see but very blurred. I was floating over their heads, and they were standing over -- was it -- my -- body? I cried out! It sounded like a roar of a lion. They could not hear it, but it nearly deafened me, as my spirit came together again with me body.
"Please --PLEASE, move Chris! We need room! They put the paddles on my chest and I saw Chris come much closer -- no, it was me! I had jumped up when they shocked me. I felt air enter my lungs. I heard - -or felt - my heart start to beat. I opened my eyes. Chris was standing over me, with Rob, Craig and Buck behind him. They were all fuzzy. Their voices were still all muffled.
"I think that is the worst of it." Unmistakably, that was Morty's voice. "He needs to rest now. He can't hear you. Doesn't know you are even here."
(If he only knew) "Did someone call his parents?"
"I did. Mom and Dad are on their way. He came closer to me. My eyes were closed but somehow I felt it. "Man, little brother, you sure gave us a scare this time. You really seem to put yourself in dangerous situations. You shouldn't have gotten so close to the edge. Didn't you tell me that was what God told you?"
I couldn't tell him that falling was not an accident. Didn't Buck know? Couldn't he see?
I woke up again, only this time I was in a regular hospital room. My eyes fluttered open.
"He's awake." My dad said, calmly. I could hear as someone shuffled across the room to my side.
"Oh, my darling Seth, Dear!" It was Mom. "You are going to be the death of me yet.! See these gray hairs? I can count each accident you have had in my hair!"
I closed my eyes, and went back to sleep.
The next time I woke up, before opening my eyes, I felt pain. Pain in my neck. Pain in my back. Pain in both legs and I tried to scratch an itch on my nose. "aarchgth!" I cried out as a searing pain went up my arm to my chest.
"Seth! O my dear Seth! Can you hear me?"
I opened my eyes. Mom was there. No one else was.
"I' sor - " It hurt to talk!
"Don't try to talk Sweetie. Your jaw is broken.
"Wha -- wha eose is wroke?" I tried to speak, painfully.
"Sweetie, I don't think there are many bones in you that are not broken. No, don't try to move -- you can't right now. Your whole body is casted from your toes to your neck. You have a brace with a contraption holding your head in position, with screws in your head." She called for the nurse.
"Hello, Mrs. Gary! The nurse said cheerily. "Is our little boy coming to?"
He walked into my view. I felt a little better just looking at him. Even in my pain, I could feel a tingling in my nether parts. And I do mean pain!
Everything hurt! I guess he could tell. "Well, now that you are awake, we better get some of that pain medication in you. He went back out of the room and soon returned with another nurse with a bottle in her hand. She hooked it up to the apparatus over my head, and it dripped into a tube that was in my arm.
The more I gained consciousness, the more I could feel the pain -- everywhere! Luckily, as I came more and more alert, the pain medication started to take effect.
"Seth, there's someone here to see you."
"H- hoo id?'
"I'll be right back."
"You took quite a spill there kiddo!" The 1st nurse said. He had a wonderful baritone voice. He towered over me -- at least was as tall as Rob.
"Well, you won't be getting over this as quickly as your mom says you got over your other scrapes. This will take awhile -- and some work on your part.
"Ah -- ah yoo tsa noo-awse?"
"Heh! No, I'm not the nurse. I was there and she was busy. I'm your physical therapist. I just happened to be in the next room when your mom pushed the button for the nurse. I wanted to meet this awesome little guy who defies death!"
"Seth, honey look who came to see you!"
I tried to look, but I could not even turn my head toward the door. I saw a shadow approach then the top of a head -- bluish black hair, then the purple eyes! I could not stop my eyes from watering up. He leaned down and kissed my cheek- or at least the bandage over it.
"Hi Seth." He said, in a very soft voice. He looked like a midget next to the nur -- no therapist. "Your brother called me and told me about your accident. He's also told me about -- well everything else. I'm so sorry you have been so -- unhappy! He said he hoped that I could bring you some -- joy."
I hoped my eyes conveyed that Chris was right. They were running like the spring thaw! "Oh, Lute. Lute? -- aw shi! A'yway, yef, Is tho nife oo tee oo."
"Don't try to talk, Sweetheart!" He called me Sweetheart! "Let us do the talking, Haoli."
"Mut -- ph -- mut!" My eyes teared up even more.
"No buts, White boy!"
"How wong ham I neen -- asweef?"
"About three weeks. You have been in and out, but never when I have been in here. I came -- my sis helped me -- as soon as I heard. I have been here over two weeks."
"We got you all registered for fall semester dear," my mom said, "Here at Santa Barbara. And since Luke agreed to be your companion -- you will need a constant companion for the next six months -- he got a break on the waiting period -- residency -- and he is registered in all the same classes."
"Some of the classes," Luke said, "needed prerequisites, but I promised them I would be tutoring you. A couple I'm re-taking. A better grade will not hurt me any. I was only going to junior college. With your parents' offer to pay for my tuition, and the aid I received as your companion, I now get to attend university!"
I smiled, not knowing they could not see anything except my eyes. "Dass gate!"
Well!!?? I knew what I was saying!
Notes: Don't even THINK of accusing me of bowing to popular demand!!! Did you think I did not love him too? But whatever your comments are, I welcome them. Sent them to Steve at s4d@hotmail.com. Be sure to include "Seth" in the subject area. Thanks, and love, Steve