I have been informed that it would be a good idea to state a few warning comments. There may be graphic sexual scenes between men in this story, so please, if this offends you, or it is illegal or you are underaged to read such, stop here and hit your "back" button. If it is okay with you, read on and enjoy. I also want to thank Nifty for the opportunity to post my stories here. I have met some very nice people and been afforded an opportunity to express myself as never before. The feedback I have received here has encouraged me on to write more. Thanks to you all.
From Chapter 25:
"Mom -- Mom, will the hurt -- will it ever go away?"
"Probably not completely. Any more than the love will. Do you want to stop loving him?"
"NO! (SOB) I can't -- I don't want to!"
"And the hurt may not ever completely go away, Honey. But -- but it will get less and less, until it is no more than a painful memory -- probably."
"Well, it hurts now, Mom! It hurts so bad! I just want to go back to sleep."
"That's what you have been doing for the past two weeks, Seth" Morty said. "It's time to wake up. Time to start living again -- no matter how much it hurts."
"I know." I said mournfully. "I know!"
Chapter 26
"Seth!" my mom's voice, through the door. "Time to wake up!"
I had been awake for some time. I hardly sleep any more.
I want to die.
I know that there are many who have lost loved ones.
What must it be like to lose a child? What must Mr. and Mrs. Michaels be feeling right now?
Does everyone hurt like this? Like I do right now? Is it even possible?
What about people who have no faith in life after this one. I know that I will see Brian again someday.
What is Brian feeling now? Is he happy to be out of this existence? Is he sad or angry? Is he still present with me here? Has he gone to some other place?
Memory of the days after Brian's death and the funeral are coming back in bits and pieces. I can't speak of it to anyone, yet it is all I can think about. So I write. Chris, Rob, Mom and Dad try to get me to talk, but I'm just not ready. Mom wants me to go see a shrink. Maybe I will. I know enough to know that everyone experiences this in their own way.
I just want to die. That would bring us together again. Wouldn't it? I feel like he is still here. I feel like I will wake up and the bad dream will be over. I have heard that if someone actually dies in a dream, then they will die in real life. Is that so? If I killed myself, and this was just a dream, would I be dead? What if I died and he was not there? What if -- what if -- this religion thing is just a myth, like some people think. And there is nothing -- but nothingness.
All I know is I want the hurt to stop. Each day it's supposed to get less and less intense. When will that start?
"Seth?" Mom was outside my door. The boys have at least temporarily gone back to sharing one room, so I can have some more privacy.
"I'm here, Mom."
I wish I could do something to ease her mind. I feel like shit that I am causing her so much worry.
"Seth, may I come in?"
"Sure."
She entered my room. She looked around. My room is in perfect order. It never used to be. That probably worries her too. I feel out of control of my life. So I try to control what I can. I know she worries -- they worry! Mom, Dad, my brother, my sister. I don't worry. I just hurt. I do worry --about them -- especially Mom. I don't want to be such a burden to them.
Part of my obsession with controlling what I can has been to throw myself into my studies. So I am keeping a perfectly clean and orderly room, getting all A's at Cerritos C.C. But there is no joy in my life. Only constant sadness -- and emptiness.
"Seth, honey, what would you like for breakfast?"
"I'm not hungry."
"You have to eat more, Sweetheart! You have lost nearly 25 pounds! You'll get sick."
Can I tell her how much it hurts when she calls me that? He used to call me that. Everything reminds me of him. EVERYTHING!
"I am really worried about you, honey. Won't you go see Dr. Swan? She has a lot of experience. Seth, We know you are hurting, and we also know that there is nothing we can say or do to stop the pain. And Dr. Swan will not be able to stop the pain either - "
"THEN WHY SHOULD I GO, MOM?"
"She can teach you how to deal with the pain, while it runs its course. It will be easier.
Wearied, I relent. "Sigh! When -- when can I go?" I should go to get this out of the way. It won't work.. But it may make her feel better.
"I'll call her now." She already looks more hopeful. That's good. Surprisingly, that makes me feel better. "Are you sure I can't get you something to eat?"
"Sure."
"What do you want?"
"You know that better than I do. Surprise me." Again, I saw her face relax a little more. I'll do my best to eat.
She left my room. I heard her footsteps going away, then I heard steps coming from the boys room. I reached over and closed the door. I don't want to deal with him right now. Eddie thinks that sex will cure everything. I know he means well -- in his own way. I actually tried it with him. It was nothing. I tried wanking. It was nothing. Oh the feeling was there, but it was -- nothing!
I went into the bathroom and locked both doors. I showered. The hot water felt good. I thought of the showers we used to take. The baths we gave each other. I rubbed my genitals, thinking of how he used to caress them. I cried. God, why did you have to take him from me? Is it evil to hate God?
I dried off and went back to my bedroom. Eddie was sitting on my bed, waiting for me.
"Hey Seth."
"Hey."
"What are you doing today?"
"Besides school and work?"
"Can we take a ride in your new car?"
I knew he wanted to ride in the Ferrari.
I did not know the Micheals' well. I had no desire to take anything of Brian's from them. I did not want to worry them any more than they were already hurting, so I made it clear that I would make no claim on anything of his. It would just remind me of him anyway. They insisted that he would want me to have his car.
They were wrong, but -- I didn't want to cause them any more grief by hurting their feelings, so I accepted it as a gift. But I did not drive it. Dad let me keep it in the garage. It hurt enough to drive the `Stang he gave me. Everything reminded me of him, so -- everything hurt. I was confused what to do with the Ferrari. If he wanted me to have it, should I -- keep it?
I cry myself to sleep every night when I go to bed.
I cry when I wake up in the middle of the night, dreaming of him. Sometimes the dreams are so real. It's like he never left. Then I wake up and he's gone again. So I cry.
I cry every morning as I take my shower.
I cry many different times during the day, as little things make me think of him.
When will it stop?
"I'm going to sell it." I replied to Eddie.
"What?? You can't - "
"I have to. It's killing me."
"You can give it to me!" he said with that hopeful lilt that only an immature teen can have. I ignored it. I looked at him and my eyes filled up. "Sorry!" he said.
"Let's go eat." Was all I could say.
Mom had fixed my favorite -- EVERYTHING! There was bacon, scrambled eggs, French toast, biscuits and gravy, orange juice, tomato juice, milk! I laughed in spite of myself. She looked a little sheepish, but smiled back at me. "Eat what ever you want -- or can." She said.
Once I started eating I was surprised how hungry I was.
Ding-DONG!
"Who could be at the door this time in the morning?" Mom said. she went to the door. "Etta! What a -- nice -- surprise! What brings you way down here?"
"Wanna talk to my boy."
"Seth? He's just finishing breakfast. Seth, Etta's here to see you!"
That's weird! I've never seen her except at the Smiths. I got up from the table and went to the entry.
"Hallo bay-bee. Where we can go an' talk?"
"Is the living room okay?"
"Does it have a door?"
"No"
"Not good."
"We can talk in my bedroom."
Etta looked at my mom.
"It's safe, Etta. He keeps it pretty clean."
I led her to my room. We went in and locked the door. I pulled the chair from under my desk and set it opposite the bed and gestured for her to sit on it. I sat on the bed.
"Bay-bee, dis is new fo me. I allus hab special power but dis new."
"What is it Etta?"
"You hab see de movie, `Ghost'?"
"Yes."
"It's true!"
I felt like my skin was crawling! "What's true, Etta?"
"Seth bay-bee, yo doctor man is here." She said. "Like in the movie!"
"What do you mean here?" I said, knowing exactly what she was saying, but afraid to believe it.
"Like in the movie! He be in dis room."
"Can you see him?" I said, guarded.
"No -- only hear." She said. "He want me to tell you many tings."
"What, Etta? What does he want to tell me?"
"Fust. Dat he miss you. He with you all da time, but cannot speak with you.
"Etta -- you know where in the movie -- Sam took over the body of Oda May?"
"Yes."
"Can he do that?"
"I don' know. -- Oh! He says yes -- but only fo short time."
"Will you let him?"
"Hello Sweetheart!" Tears sprang to my eyes. I didn't expect it to sound like him! "Close your eyes Baby!"
He touched my arm in the way only he would. My eyes flew open, expecting to see Brian there. "Close your eyes again, Baby!"
"Brian -- Bri - "
"Let me talk, baby! I don't know how long this will last. First of all, in life I would have wanted everything of mine to be yours. I can see what a burden just my car has been, so if you want to sell it - or give it away -- or whatever, it's okay. Seth, there really is a great light here. I want to go into it. I will never forget you, but I can remember there as well as here. But I am kept here by my worry for you. I love you, Seth -- still. I can even tell you that I even love you more -- because my capacity to love has increased exponentially. There is much more to learn on this plane. But I have to move on to learn it. I want to tell you that I will always miss you until you come here. And also that you are to do nothing to speed that up. You have to stay and live -- for us both. There are things to be learned on each plane. Neither of us has learned what we need to -- where you are. You must stay and learn all you can, so you can teach me when you get here. I know what is of concern to you, so let me continue.
"I know it's hard to understand on your plane there, but you can look forward to seeing me -- and loving me -- again. But you may also be free to love another. And Seth, I may find another to love here, but believe me, already I have learnt that I will always love you, too. So don't be afraid to love again.
"Lastly, even though I won't be with you like I am now, over in the light, I can hear you if you call on me. Once I leave this plane, even Etta can't help us, but I can always hear you, no matter where I am. It's time for me to go."
"Don't leave me Bri!"
"I won't be leaving immediately, but I can only do this for a short time. I can feel myself being pulled."
"Wait!" I cried. I grabbed him and held him. "I love you so much, Bri! So Much!" I started to weep. He started to cry too, and then I could feel that he was gone!
"Brian! I still have questions!"
"He tell me that you must do what you can to find out about dis ting."
"What, Etta? I wanted to ask about - God!"
"He say he know what you want, but some tings must not be spoken. You must search out for yourself. Some things must be felt -- not spoken. He say he be here til you ready to let him go." Etta looked tired from the experience. "One las' ting -- he say yes to yo question."
"What question?"
"I don't know -- it yo question, Bay-bee!"
"Ask him!"
"He be gone somewhere, Bay-bee."
I walked Etta out to the entry. "Etta," my mom said, "Can you eat anything?
You are always cooking for the rest of us -- there is plenty here."
"Etta say -- yes! Need strength."
Mom and Etta talked about several things, but Etta did not say anything about what happened in the bedroom. When she was finished, she excused herself and asked to use the phone to call a cab.
"You mean you came all the way here in a Cab?" my mom said, incredulously.
"My car too old to drive all dis way."
"I can't imagine that my brother would not let you use one of his cars!" My mom said in disbelief.
Dis be Etta's day off. They don' know I am here."
It hit me. "Etta! Brian would want this." I went to my bedroom and brought back the keys to the Ferrari. "This is for you!"
"No Bay-bee! He say no. It is for you."
"But he said - "
"He say you tink about dis ting!" She picked up the phone and called for a cab!
I went to school, and then work. Before I knew it, I was back home. It was like I was in a constant dream. He had visited me. He wants me to live. I parked my `Stang in front of the house. The garage door seemed to be taunting me. I looked at the oil stain where my dad was parking his car -- to make room for -- the Ferrari. It hit me again. I just chose wrong last time. "Dad" I formed in my mind. An instant "yes" came to me.
"Is that the question?" "No!" "Is he talking to me?" "No" Is this my own mind talking?" "Yes" "Is it true?" "Believe in yourself!"
I felt lighter somehow. It was weird. As my mom had reminded me, I had lost 25 pounds. But even at 105 pounds, I felt a constant heaviness. I just felt lighter. I opened the front door with more energy than I expected -- even surprised me!
"Hi honey!" Mom said. How are you feeling?" She never asked me that. She was afraid of the answer. But she just DID ask it.
"Better -- somehow better. When will Dad be home?"
"Pretty soon."
"Good. Where are the boys?"
"At the park playing basketball, I think. Why?"
"I want to talk to you both -- together."
"About what?" My dad had sneaked in somehow without me hearing him.
"Let's go into the living room, k?"
I know they would be ecstatic that I wanted to talk. I hoped they would accept what I had to tell them. We all sat down.
"Dad -- Mom -- I -- don't know quite how to -- explain this. There is no explanation, I guess, so I will just start. Etta was here to see me this morning, Dad. She brought Brian with her."
I looked at them, expecting to see skeptical looks. There was none.
"She said he was in the room. He -- he -- possessed her body for a few moments." Again I expected opposition. "It really happened! She -- He touched me in ways that only he could -- on my arm. He always liked my hairless-ness and he would stroke my arm. Ette would not have known that!"
"You don't have to convince us, Son. We've known for years that Etta was - there was something special about Etta."
Dad, I think he can speak to my subconscious -- or something -- but only in important matters."
"Go on."
"Well, while he was in Etta's body, we hugged. As long as my eyes were closed, it felt exactly like him. I could actually smell him!" I guess I gave an expectant look, like that must be unbelievable.
"Go on." He said, as if he believed every word.
He told me that he was here temporarily and that there was a light -- and that he needed to go to it. But he could not go -- did not want to go unless I released him."
"Did he go?"
"Not yet -- I don't think so, anyway. Anyway," (I explained to them all the things he told me. They nodded in approval.) "Dad, the last thing he said -- while Etta was here -- was that the answer to my question was yes."
"What question, son?"
"That's what I don't know. I asked him about God. He said this thing I must find out for myself."
"Did he seem to -- know what you were thinking?"
"Yes!" I retorted.
"Well, maybe he also knows that you are talking to us -- and knew it when he said that."
"Huh?"
"Well, remember that he gave us some things to think about?"
"Ye -- es?"
"Have you studied any of it."
"I haven't -- had -- time." It sounded hollow and like a weak excuse even as I said it.
"Well, I have. I think he's right!"
"Right -- about what dear?" Mom said.
"About God -- or more to the point -- Gods!"
"What nonsense are you talking about? There is only one God!" Mom said.
"Or so some would have you believe!" Dad said. "But a thorough study has proven to me that the bible says no such thing. Men made up that myth to mollify the Jews and the Muslims. Even in the Old Testament -- Genesis -- it says let "us" make man in "our" image and in "our" likeness. We will talk more on this, Dear." Dad said
"We certainly will!" Mom said.
I felt nothing but peace come over me. "Dad, that was it. That was the question he answered yes to!"
"I thought it might be! Is that all, Son?"
"No."
"What else, then?"
"He wants me to -- give you the -- Ferrari." I said looking at the floor."
"Son! Are you sure? It must mean so much to you!"
"Dad, he said he wanted all of his wealth to go to me, but could see that it would make me miserable -- as the car has been making me miserable! So he said I did right in letting it all go to his family. But he wants the car to go to you, Dad."
"What on earth would I do with a car like that?"
"Keep it, sell it -- give it away. It's no longer mine, but yours to do with what you see fit."
"I already know. Save it for you!"
"Dad I already told you I don't want it!"
"I don't mean the car! I will sell it and then put it into an education fund -- for you boys -- all of you."
"Wuff!" I said
"It's perfect, Son! We have been praying to know how we can send Eddie and Mel to college. Fred and Charlie are well provided for by their parents, but not the other two."
"That -- feels -- good, dad!"
"Yes, it does."
"And what do you think about my Mustang?"
"That was a gift he gave you in life. I think you should keep it. Besides, it would not contribute that much more to the fund. And it will run a long time if you maintain it well."
"I -- guess you're right. It doesn't give me the joy it used to -- but it doesn't hurt me like the Ferrari does."
"Good! One more thing settled."
"Dad?"
"Son?"
"Do you think I should tell Brian's parents -- what happened today?"
"I think -- that -- if it were my son, I would be grasping for any bit of anything right now. But tell them the whole story!"
"K."
"Oh, before I forget, Honey, your brother called and wants you to come visit him this weekend. Call him."
"Thanks."
"Chris?"
"Hi, little brother!" He quipped. "How are you -- feeling?" His voice faltered at the end. I know he wished he could take back that question.
"A lot better, Bro."
"Did Mom tell you what I wanted -- can you come this weekend?"
I -- can -- and I will!"
"Great! Rob will be so happy! -- Well we all will! But he has been really concerned about you."
"Well, I am anxious to see him! And you!"
"Great! Craig says hi!"
"Hi back!"
"Bye Seth!"
"Bye"
Friday was the next day. It was one of the longest days ever. I told myself this was a good sign. Time had started to have more meaning.
The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to see Rob! I felt guilty about it. he was -- straight wasn't he? That was just a mistake that one night, wasn't it? I kept telling myself these things, but my excitement only grew with each hour. When I pulled into the drive, and racked my pipes, three exuberant guys came bounding down the stairs. Craig got to me first. He grabbed me and hugged me close, like he didn't want to let go -- neither did I! He was after all, Adonis reincarnated! His body was firm in all the right places and soft in all the right spots!
Polite Rob hung back a little to let my brother greet me. When Chris and I were finished, Rob shyly walked up to me. I said, "Hi Rob!" He picked me up like he always did. I wrapped my legs around him as I always did. I lay my head on his chest as he strode up the stairs with me. At least for the moment, the hurt was not as sharp. Sometimes I think he forgets that I am no longer a boy, and I hope he always does! Chris calls me little brother and it's okay, but I don't feel as much like a little brother as I used to. I am after all just two years younger! But with Rob -- let's just say I love it when he carries me and treats me like he does.
"Etta `want see you soon as you' settled" Craig said. I threw my backpack in my room.
"I'm settled!"
"You need any help?" Said Rob. "That is one scary woman!"
"I'll be okay!" I didn't know how much I should tell the guys. It was after all -- kind of a sacred thing.
I walked in the back door and she was waiting for me. "He gone, Bay-bee!"
"What?"
"He gone -- into the light. You muss be happy boy?"
Actually I was stunned! I wasn't ready for that.! I thought he would be here watching over me awhile longer! I guess it showed on my face.
"You not happy `bout dat?"
"I -- (ahem!) I'm happy -- er -- for him! I'm not sure I would ever be "ready" for that news. It's like it was the last I will see him until -"
"He tell me you do ebbyting right!"
"?"
"You give his car to yo papa. Dis a good ting! You gonna tell his mama an' papa bout him. Dat good ting too!"
"You really think so?"
"Etta know!"
I hugged Etta. Just then my "brothers" all walked in. They saw me hugging Etta. "Now I KNOW I'm scared!" Rob said.
"You behabe yosef shy boy! Or Ette put da hex on you!"
Carrie walked down the stairs. Rob visibly shrunk. "S'up cuz!"
"Not too much. I think I may come back to the land of the living -- soon!"
"You better! The world without Seth would be left with a big hole in it!"
"I need to go see the Michaels -- tonight!"
"Why tonight?"
"I don't know -- but I just feel it has to be now."
"There's the phone!" She said.
I keyed in their number.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Mr. Michaels?"
"Seth! Is this Seth?"
"Yes! How did you know?"
"We were just talking about you."
"You were?"
"Yes. Can you come over and talk?"
"Well actually, that's why I was calling!"
"Really!? When can you come?"
"I know it's late, but -- I kinda had a -- feeling -- that It should be tonight. Is that -- does that work -- for you?"
"Of Course! Come right over if you can."
I said quick goodbyes to everyone and drove to the Michaels.
"Seth! Come in, Dear!" Said Mrs. Michaels. "Come in and sit with us!"
I went into their living room and we sat around and in front of the fireplace. I spoke first. "So what did YOU want to talk about?"
"Well, er" said Mr. Michaels, "We just needed -- er -- wanted to -- uh - "
"I was the last to see and talk with Brian. You just wanted to -- get my feelings about his last moments?"
He looked down at his feet. "Well -- yeah."
"Mr. and Mrs. Michaels, is it okay for me to talk -- uh -- frankly?"
"Ye-es. What do you mean?"
"You know that Brian was very -- special -- to me. We both had declared to one another that we were in love with each other."
"We have been well aware of our son's sexual orientation for many years, Seth. Nothing you say will shock us -- if that's what you mean."
"Well, actually I'm not so concerned about that. But some of the things I tell you -- they may be -- quite personal -- nothing erotic, I promise -- but I am a little afraid of your making -- light -- or not taking me seriously. That would - "
"That would show a lack of feeling on OUR part, Seth. That's not our intention." He said to me.
"Seth, you can talk frank with us!" She said.
"Okay. But where to start!" I started. "Well, first of all, I want to tell you that I loved Brian more than I knew was possible. And I now miss him in the same way -- more than I knew was even possible. I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose a child." Tears were already forming in my eyes. I could see hers too, and could hear him swallowing hard.
"One of our first nights -- together, he went into a seizure while we were -- er -- making love." I swallowed hard this time. "I told him that if that was what caused his seizures, I would not do it ant more until he got it checked into."
"We never knew."
"HE kept it a secret. It showed up first with Robert. He just -- do you know what a `bottom' is?"
"Well, as I understand it, a `bottom' is the one who is on the receiving end?"
"Of anal sex -- yes. But a more general understanding is a bottom is one who prefers to -- make the other happy, more than be satisfied himself."
"Ah"
"Brian was a bottom in this way. Robert, by the way, was a taker. He cared nothing about Brian's satisfaction. So during the time they were together, Brian only got to that point once -- and had a seizure.
"You know, Seth," Mr. Michaels said, "Brian didn't die of epilepsy or even complications from it. It was determined that his heart just gave out. It was a combination of trauma from his injury and exposure during the accident, plus the shock of being brought back by the machine, and then a seizure. It was just more than his heart could take."
"Boy, I'll bet Morty feels really terrible!"
"We talked to several of our doctor friends. It was just not expected. We have been approached by several ambulance-chaser lawyers, and it could be that we could get something, but -- we just are not -- we don't think that suing is the answer to everything."
"I -- I really don't know why I'm here. I just -- had to -- I don't know -- maybe I just needed to learn a little more about Brian. I loved him so much, and yet we were still learning about each other. And I uh -- had something to -- uh -- tell you."
"Well, Seth, it is the same with us. It was very hard at first for us to accept that he was -- gay -- and even when we did, we could not understand. So I guess we just wanted to feel a little closer to his memory, by learning a little from you."
"Yeah."
"Obviously, you loved our son."
"I did -- do! I wish the love could just die with the person. But you know as well as I that it does not."
"That's what makes it so hard, Seth -- for all of us." Mr. Michaels said.
Mrs. Michaels continued. "Each of us wakes up every morning, hoping that it was nothing more than a bad dream."
"Me too!"
" But each morning we are disappointed -- no -- shocked into reality once again. He is dead and we will never see him again!"
"In this life!" I said.
"In this life -- yes." She repeated.
"Mrs. Michaels, Mr. Michaels,"
"Seth, can we ask you a -- a favor?"
"Anything, Mr. Michaels!"
"Can you -- will you -- call us - Mom and Dad."
"I thought about this. I started to cry again. We all did.
"Mom -- Dad, I -- I am not sure how to even start. But -- my Aunt has a maid who is from Jamaica. She has special -- powers. She has always seemed to know things -- before they happened. And recently -- she had something happen that was new to her. She showed up at my house in Cerritos the other day. She has never been to our home. It was her day off." I stopped and tried to think how to proceed.
"Yes, Son?"
That title hit me so hard, it was hard to recover and resume speaking. Finally, "She came because -- Brian -- Asked her to." They looked disbelieving, but like they wanted me to proceed. "Mr. -- er Dad, Mom, it sounds impossible, I know -- but I KNOW he was there! Did you see the movie, "Ghost"?
"Yes." They said in chorus.
"It was almost identical to that. At first he told her what to say. He called me the names he used to. He -- I don't know, I have no way to prove it, but -- I KNOW it was him. He is fine. He was waiting to cross over -- or something -- into the light. I get that the light is actually a place. A place with so much more light than here that we are in darkness in comparison. He actually -- for a few moments -- possessed her body. He told me to close my eyes. As long as my eyes were closed, I could feel, smell and knew it was Brian holding me. Does any of this make sense?"
"Brian," Mrs. Michaels said, "It makes no sense at all, but -- I know I can speak for both of us -- we believe you." He also nodded his head.
"Anyway, he told me that he would not be able to ever do this again, but that even though he would not be physically near, all I have to do is think of him and he knows it. I don't know if this extends to parents, but I was prompted to come here -- and I believe it was Brian who urged me here. So you would know he is okay and even better, that he is in that place of light. And I bet that your love for Brian and his for you -- will make him be able to hear your thoughts as well."
"Why -- I don't mean to sound petty or -- anything -- but why did he only come to you?" Mrs. Michaels asked.
"Who knows. Maybe the romantic love makes the difference. Or maybe he is only allowed to contact -- one of us. Does it matter? I have already had a dream where he has comforted me. I think that -- maybe if you open your minds to it, maybe he can reach you in your dreams too. This morning was the first morning that I did NOT wake up thinking it was all a bad dream. Who knows, maybe if you had been open to such things, he could have come to you as well. But we may never know the answer to that. He is on the other side now -- in `the light'. I wanted to come here and tell you this to -- maybe -- comfort you -- as I have been comforted."
"Thank you, Seth." Mrs, Michaels said. "Would you like some ice cream?"
"Well -- I -- I don't think - "
"Did you know that Brian often would wake up in the middle of the night and come out and eat a bowl of ice cream?" She said.
"No, I didn't."
"We often would meet him in the kitchen." Mr. Michaels said, chuckling. "Sometimes all four of us would meet here in the middle of the night for ice cream!"
"Okay, I will have some!" I relented, laughing through tears.
"Brian, your folks told me about the ice cream."
"I know. I asked them to."
"You did!?"
"They didn't know it. They don't believe. I did try to reach them, but -- they are not as open-minded as you are. Seth?"
"Yes, Sweetie?"
"Do you know you are dreaming right now?"
"Yeah, but I don't like to be reminded."
"Well, you need to be. Sweetheart, you need to be -- letting go -- of me. I will never -- well I don't have to let you go -- It's -- different here. But -- you need to start thinking about others now. Just know that I will always love you and when the time comes, we will be able to love each other even more than we did in what you call life. Real life is here."
"But, Brian, What about - "
"SETH! Wake up, seth! We are going sailing today!"
"Damn, Morty! I was not finished dreaming!"
"Dreaming about him again?"
"Yeah."
"That's not healthy, Seth."
"I know. That's what he says."
"Yeah! Right!"
"You really need to move on, Seth!" Jack said."
Jack and Morty had invited me for pizza and a movie and then sailing the next day. It is June, now, and I am nineteen. I regularly wonder if I will ever get over him. Everyone -- even Brian - tells me I need to "move on". Easier said than done.
"Are you sure you want to take me?" I said. "I can be pretty dangerous on a boat, you know!"
"If you give us any trouble, we will strap you to the mast!"
"Thanks! I'm more worried what you might do to me after you get me strapped in!"
"So get up before we molest you -- again!" Jack teased.
"Promises, promises!" I said, as Jack grabbed my nuts and squeezed them just hard enough to immobilize me. Then he went down on me like I was sausage and eggs! And last night's orgy continued as if it never had been interrupted -- except we were all sexually refreshed! I got my wish. I got to sleep some more when we were finished -- and they did too! This was getting to be a weekly thing. Chris warned me against it. Mom and Dad did not know what I was doing, but they thought something was going on. What they didn't know was that as soon as Eddie turned eighteen, we started to get it on at home, too. He was going to graduate in two weeks, after which he planned to move out on his own. Eddie took full advantage of my sorrow -- like one would expect Eddie would. But I didn't mind. It was a diversion. Now that I was getting it regularly with Jack and Morty, I was getting tired of Eddie, and was glad he would be moving out soon. Fred was 18 also, but we just never clicked, and the other guys were too young.
Rob was totally disgusted with me. He still loved me -- that I knew -- but he took this "big brother" thing too seriously!
I was starting to doubt the reality of Brian's visit. I still dreamed regularly, but even there, I was wondering if it was my own active imagination causing the dreams.
When we got back from Sailing, we picked up some KFC for dinner and for the first time in my life, I got falling down drunk. I kind of liked the feeling -- kind of dizzy -- kind of light headed -- but decided it was not something I wanted to do often. I remembered what Brian had taught me and drank some orange juice as soon as I woke up. BUT! before that -- before THAT!
I weaved out of Morty's, and he asked me if I was okay to drive. In all fairness to him -- them -- they were both so drunk they were not thinking clearly either. I headed for the place they call "The Rainbow Club". It is a park. As I stumbled out of my car, ten drunk or high male sluts were on me immediately. In the state I was, I imagined Brian screaming for me to stop -- to leave immediately. I told him to fuck himself and to stop bugging me!
I recognized one of my "assailants". It was -- Robert! I found out that that third leg of his tripod really does work. It worked it's way into my butt and it hurt really bad, but I was drunk and was determined to kill myself if I could. I was tired of this life. Roberts manhood -- or maybe donkey-hood would be a better term -- felt like it was three feet long and at least four inches in diameter.
After him, the rest were nothing in comparison. I don't have any idea how many guys fucked me -- but -- I woke up several time with guys poking my mouth and my butt, as well as sucking me even though I was completely soft. It was pathetic. But I don't know who was more pathetic -- them or me!
When I woke up the next morning, the only thing that hurt more than my head was my butt! I touched it and it stung really bad. There was blood and cum all over my underwear and pants. I gingerly pulled them up and stepped over several bodies to get to my car. The keys were still in it, but miraculously, it was not stolen. I had to roust five guys from inside it, and the seats were stained form cum and urine. In my delicate state, I could hardly breath, the urine smell was so strong!
I drove to a liquor store and not even caring what I looked like, I went in to get some orange juice. I drank it and then drove -- back to Morty's. I knocked and he answered.
"Oh, Seth! Where did you go?"
"To -- the rainbow club." I said matter-of-factly.
"Shit! Come in here!" he rushed me into the bathroom, got Jack to help him take my clothes off. He cried when he saw my butt. "Who did this to you?"
"I only recognized Robert." I answered.
"That ass hole. I know he's done this to several guys who have shown up in the emergency room. Did he know who you were?"
"Yes. He recognized me right off. Told everyone I was his ex's bitch. He has quite a following, I guess."
"Yeah. Because of that memorial trophy he has attached to him! It is the only thing big about him. Otherwise he is a small man. Small in every way.
One thing good -- he will probably never get AIDS. He never lets anyone enter him. But it looks like he was not the only one who -- used -- you!" My clothes were off by now, and I felt strangely embarrassed. They led me to the shower, and hooked up a douche for me. When he inserted it, it hurt so bad! My anus was hamburger! Then he squeezed some of the soapy water inside me. I thought the searing pain was going to kill me. I was wishing it would!
When he had emptied three bags full of water into me and let it all drain out, they nearly had to carry me to the bed. He put down a towel to catch any more that leaked out of me.
"Morty, am I gonna die?" I asked, hopefully.
"Seth, no -- I don't think -- I -- I don't know. We will take you and get you tested this afternoon. God, Seth, if I had any idea you would go -- I just feel -- terrible!"
"Morty?"
"Yes?"
"Morty -- I want to die. I just don't want to keep living without him."
"Don't talk like that!"
"Do you want me to lie to you?"
"No, I guess not. Seth, will you -- can I -- I want you to talk to a friend of mine."
"A shrink?"
"Well -- yeah."
"I've talked to one already. She said it would go away. It didn't -- hasn't.
"I know. Eldon is an older friend of mine -- and he's really good."
"I want to die, but -- I realize that I could not do it - to myself. I'll - I'll talk to him."
Notes: Life is not always pretty. All of us make stupid mistakes. Most of the time there is little consequence. Sometimes the consequences are devastating. Seth is not me, but is pretty much my mirror, at the moment. Comments are welcome. I'm Steve at s4d@hotmail.com. Include "Seth" in the subject line, please. Thanks and love, Steve