I have been informed that it would be a good idea to state a few warning comments. There may be graphic sexual scenes between men in this story, so please, if this offends you, or it is illegal or you are underaged to read such, stop here and hit your "back" button. If it is okay with you, read on and enjoy.
I also want to thank Nifty for the opportunity to post my stories here. I have met some very nice people and been afforded an opportunity to express myself as never before. The feedback I have received here has encouraged me on to write more. Thanks to you all.
From Chapter 11:
"You should probably stay with your brother next weekend." He said, "Huh?"
"Yeah -- I suppose." It felt so awkward. I looked down at the floor for a moment. I felt tears forming in my eyes again. I didn't want to hurt this wonderful man! I peeked up to see if he was looking at me. He was. His eyes were full of tears as well.
He walked to me and wrapped his arms around me. I reciprocated and we stood there for a long moment, heads on shoulders. I said, "I -- I DO love you, but -"
"I love you too, BUTT!" he smiled as he answered. "Don't you know you are not supposed to follow I love you' with but'!"
I snuffled my nose into his neck. "Eww!" he said, "First you say you love my butt, then you snot on my neck!" He was trying to lighten an impossibly heavy situation.
"I'm sorry, Brian."
"I know. I hope he has steel toed shoes!"
Chapter 12
In reality, the difference in age from 18 -- 24 was almost as bad as 18 -- 28!
There is such a period of growth that a boy makes the few years after he turns 18! I was only 18. Luke was 24. I rolled this around in my mind so many times in the six days before I came here to the Los Angeles International Airport, to pick Luke up.
He was a lot older than I in many ways. He had been "out on his own" for as long as Brian. He was surer of himself than I by far -- like Brian. I had grown quite fond of Brian. I was still not sure if what I had last summer with Luke was love or -- not. He had hurt me -- that I could remember very well! I remembered -- no, the fear was more than a memory! An 18 year old experiences adult hurt and fear more like a child than an adult -- probably because of a lack of experience.
As I sat at the airport, mulling all this over in my head, there was an announcement over the airport intercom: "Will Mr. Seth Gary please pick up a white courtesy phone! Mr. Seth Gary, please pick up a white courtesy phone and dial the operator."
I looked around and located a white phone. I dialed "O" and told the operator I was Seth Gary.
"Mr. Gary, I have a message for you to call your brother, Chris."
"Thank you." What was wrong? Why would Chris be calling me here?
"Chris?"
"Seth! Are you anywhere you can sit down?"
"Chris! What's wrong?"
"Seth, buddy, there's been a crash."
"What? Who crashed -- Luke's plane? Why didn't they just tell me?"
"I guess -- I guess they don't make general announcements of plane crashes at the airport."
I was numb. "What -- is he -- are they -"
"Buddy, His plane ran into very bad weather. It went down somewhere in the Pacific."
"Luke -- Luke is an excellent swimmer, Chris, maybe -"
"Seth -- are you going to be all right to drive back home?"
"I -- yes -- I guess -- I don't -- yeah, I can drive. This is impossible. It just can't be -- be happening, Chris!"
"I can come down there and get you if you think -"
"No, I can -- I can drive. I'm not going home. I -- I am going to -- Brian's, I think. I'll call you when I get there Bye"
I knew the impossibility of anyone surviving a crash into the ocean at over 300 miles per hour. It may as well be concrete.
I dialed Brian.
"Hello?"
"Brian."
"Seth -- you don't sound -- are you all right?"
"I'll tell you about it when I get there."
"I thought you were staying with your brother this -"
"I need you! Can I come there?"
"Of course. I'll be waiting for you."
"K. Bye"
"Bye."
I wandered out to my car, paid for the parking and got on 101 toward Santa Barbara. I could not think straight. I felt like I needed to cry. I felt like I was crying. But no tears were coming. No lump in my throat. No pain in my chest. All I felt was emptiness. The three hour Friday afternoon drive seemed to float by. Before I knew it, I was pulling into Brian's condo parking lot.
He must have been waiting, looking for me, because he met me in the parking lot.
"Your brother called me. He told me what happened. Oh, Seth, I am so, so sorry!" I nearly fell into his arms.
"I -- I feel numb, Brian. I feel like crying but -- but I can't."
"Come on in the house." We went into the house. It smelled good in there. But what was different? The TV was on the wall, with the familiar Fish Tank Screen saver. The couch, chairs, lamps, flooring. It was all the same -- yet it all seemed so foreign to me.
He led me to the dining table. The sun was just going down and it was clear and beautiful. He pushed me into a chair. He put some soup down in front of me. That was the good smell. I ate it mechanically, not really tasting it.
When I was finished, Brian got me up from the chair and led me to the couch.
I sat down and he went to the TV and started a movie. I don't know what movie it was because before the beginning credits were finished the phone rang.
"Hello? Just a minute. Here," Brian said as he handed me the phone, "It's for you Seth. I think it's your brother."
"Hello?"
"Seth?"
"Chris?"
"Chris gave me this number!"
"Who -- who is this?"
"Seth! It's Luke! I missed my flight. I caught the next one out."
"Luke -- you -- wait - " I dropped the phone. I took several gasps of air. I picked up the phone again. "I -" I started to cry. All the crying I could not do was now set free. When Finally I got some control, I blubbered, "Where -- where -- where are you?" I could hardly speak.
"I'm at the airport."
"L.A.?" I cried.
"Yes." I'll be right there! I was crying even more.
"As I remember, Seth, you are about 2 hours away. Please, take your time. Be careful. I'd like to see you in one piece"
"Okay. I'll take it easy, I promise. Bye!"
"Bye, Seth!"
"I gather that was Luke." All I could do was bob my head as I fell on Brian's chest and all hell broke loose. He patted my back. And said, "I'm going with you to pick him up."
"What -- you can't -"
"Yes! I can! I'll drive."
"I'm okay to drive -- really I'm fine. I want to."
"Okay, but -- I still want to go."
"It will be awkward for you!" I said.
"Maybe no more so than for you -- or Luke, but -- I want to be with you on the drive."
We were back out in the parking lot. I opened the passenger door for Brian.
I got in my side and turned the key. It would not start.
"What the f -"
"What's wrong, Seth?"
"I don't know! It has never done this." I cried! I tried it again. I shifted out of Park and back in and tried it again.
Nothing.
"Are you sure you are all right to drive, Baby?" Even in my state, I noticed what he called me.
"I'm -- fine!"
"Okay, here!" He tossed me his keys.
"No, I can't, Brian, -"
"Yes, you can!"
"Just take me over to Chris's and I will borrow his car!"
"Your wasting time, Seth, while your -- your -- friend -- waits at the airport.
Just go!"
I threw the keys up and caught them again, and started at a run to the car. "Take it easy, Seth!" He reminded me. "There are bungees in the rear compartment if his luggage doesn't fit in the car!"
"Thanks -- Brian!" I drove as carefully out to the street as I could.
When I got out of the city, the Ferrari was begging to be set free. It was 7:30 PM, and already dark, but the traffic was not light enough to really push it. So I settled in with the flow of traffic. The speed limit on 101 on that stretch is 65. The flow of traffic is closer to 80 -- 85. So it felt good to feel the road. I was getting into it, not exactly forgetting about Luke, but at least I now knew he was all right. I was enjoying all the people gawking at "my" car! I tried to look as yuppy as I knew how! I was wishing there was a rainbow decal on the rear, so cute guys would wave at me.
I arrived at the airport, and parked. Usually we don't park, but just pick up our passengers at the curb, and that would have worked, seeing we had so much time, bit since we didn't arrange it ahead, I didn't know where to meet him.
I walked -- or rather almost floated - to the Hawaiian Air luggage area. I couldn't find him. I had to pee pretty bad, so I entered the toilet. I walked around the corner, into the long line of urinals, and there he was, totally engrossed in his task. I walked up behind him and stopped. He knew someone was there, but didn't know it was I. I'm sure it scared him a little that there was someone standing behind him, in an empty bathroom, when there were so many unoccupied urinals. When he was finished, he turned and tried not to look at me, but when he finally realized it was I, "Seth! You -- you f-n' freaked me out! Hee hee! You look -- GREAT!" I made to hug him. He flinched. "NO! I have to wash my hands first!"
"FUCK that!" I said, and I grabbed him. He relented and melted into me. I had forgotten how good he looked -- how good he smelled!
As we were standing there hugging an old man in a suit came in and gave us a disgusted look. We pretty much ignored him. He walked all the way to the last urinal to pee. I broke the embrace and walked all the way to the urinal right next to him and made a production of hauling out my little flipper! I heard Luke trying to suppress his giggle! The man shifted to the other direction, and finished up, washed his hands and left. We cracked up after he was out.
We picked up his suitcase and walked out to the car. When I stopped at the Ferrari, he chuckled and said, "Yeah! You wish!" When I inserted the key and the door opened, his mouth dropped nearly to the ground! "Fuck me! Where -- how did you -- is this - - yours?"
"Ha ha! You're right -- I wish! It is my boyf -- my friend's car." I felt my temperature rise in my face. "My car would not start. He insisted I take this."
"Wow! You know how to get a boyfriend, don't you? He must love you a lot to let you use this."
"Or maybe he just is not so impressed as we are with the car." I tried to deflect the "love" comment.
"Will my suitcase even fit in this little compartment?"
"Let's see." It fit!
As we drove home, I actually forgot I was driving a $150,000 car. We were talking about "old times", about how Fred and Charlie had hit it off so well with Eddie and Mel. Just as I was afraid the conversation would take a turn toward -- "So, I'm glad you found someone, Seth! I wish I had, but -- I am so busy right now -- there is no time for that. Tell me about him."
Oh God, what could I tell him? "Oh God, what can I tell you?" I started. I know, it was a stalling technique! "Well, he is a doctor. He is the doctor who saw Mel, when he got hurt fighting with Eddie."
"I didn't meet him."
"I -- I guess you will."
"So, if he's a doctor -- he must be -- a little older than you -- or maybe even older than I am?"
Why did I feel defensive? It was not asked in any derogatory way. Well, maybe even asking was a little -- I don't know...
"Well, that's none of my business. Man! You look good behind the wheel of this car! Does he let you drive it often?"
"This is the first time. It was just because I was so -" I paused a little too long.
"So -- what?"
"I was so -- distraught when I thought you were -- dead. We thought the plane that went down was yours. Well it WAS! But you were not on it. At first I was so stunned, I could not even cry. Then when you called, and all hell broke loose. I am surprised he let me take this car, the state I was in."
"You're very lucky to find someone who loves you so much." He said, evenly. "Better hold on to this one."
My insides were twisted into knots! I was so happy to see Luke! And yet he was talking like this. And I was trying to sort out my feelings about Brian. Did I like his abundance or him? Well, I decided it was him I liked, since I had no idea he was wealthy until that night I went home with him. But -- what ABOUT Luke? What was I going to do about him. The boy and the doctor -- both loved me enough to give me my space to choose. Brian made it plenty clear that he wanted me with him. Luke was still non-committal. I was completely bewildered.
"How long are you going to be here, Luker?"
Damn! Why did I have to call him that!
"I have two weeks off from school. I lost my job, but I can find another."
Did he give up his job to come see me? Was I imagining something that was not so? Maybe he really did come to see Chris and Craig. He had spent more time with them than he did with me.
I drove Luke to Chris's place. They invited me in for dinner. I declined. "I really should get Brian's car back to him. And I have to get going early tomorrow to see what's wrong with my car."
I left Luke to get reacquainted with his friends.
I hopped back into the Ferrari and drove slowly to the doctor's place. I felt very tired. I didn't want to talk to Brian. I didn't want to talk to Luke. I was so confused! But I would have to face Brian momentarily -- so I drove slow. The excitement of driving the car was lost to me.
I pulled up into Brian's garage. Again he was there waiting for me. I thought he would at least walk around the car once to check for dents -- but he just waited at the door of the condo.
"How'd it go?"
"Well, I -- calmed down by the time I got to the airport, if that's what you mean. I can't figure out what could have been wrong with me car. I want to go look at it."
I knew very little about cars, really, but I didn't want to talk. He followed me to the guest parking area. I got in, put the key in the ignition, and it started right up!
"Really, Brian! It wouldn't before!"
"I know. I looked at it after you left. The negative battery cable was not grounded well enough . Must be the dampness here by the ocean. It's a common thing here. Well, come on in and I will fix you some -- have you eaten?"
"I -- no -- but I -- I need to go home."
"Not tonight! You're too tired, Baby." There was that word again! "Come in and eat some soup and get some sleep. I'll sleep on the couch, so you can rest better."
I was too tired to argue. He heated up some chicken soup and then went to the bedroom, and grabbed his pillow and a blanket, and returned to the couch.
"Schlaf gut, Liebster" He said. I had no idea what that meant. He lay down on the couch and left me alone to finish my soup. I thought about that. He had to be about the sweetest man I'd ever met. I finished, rinsed out my bowl and spoon, and put them in the dishwasher. As I passed by the couch, I am sure he was pretending to be asleep.
"G'night -- Brian?"
No answer.
As I was disappearing in his bedroom, I heard, "Night, Sweetie."
As usual I woke up first. I quietly got dressed, and was almost out the door, when I just could not leave him like this. I tiptoed to the couch. I knelt down next to him. I laid my hand gently on his back and whispered, "I'm going home now, Brian. Thanks for trusting me with your car. I -- I'll be back tomorrow -- or maybe tonight -- K?"
He opened his eyes with effort. He smiled. "Bye." He said. "I love you."
I know I looked stunned. I got a tear in my eye. "You don't have to answer. I told you I was not going to let you go easily." He said it so softly and gently, I had to turn quickly so he couldn't see my face.
"Bye!" I said.
I was home by 8:00 AM. Mom was up fixing breakfast for dad and the boys. "Seth! You're back -- why are you back on Saturday morning?"
"I -- I need to talk -- to Dad."
"Well, he's in the bedroom. I don't know if he's awake yet, but it will please him if you wake him up, dear."
"Thanks, Mom."
"Breakfast will be in about 45 minutes."
I went in and woke up Dad. He was happy to see me. I explained everything that happened and how I was feeling.
"Seth, we often have decisions in which we must decide between two or more things we want. And when it involves hurting someone, it is so much harder. This is about the hardest thing you will face in life. It is pretty sweet when you think about it, though. Two wonderful people whom you love, both love you in return. But reality dictates you have to choose. Here is wisdom: In matters of the heart, don't try to reason it out. Let your heart decide. And -- god luck!"
"Is that all?
"Did you want me to decide for you? That seldom works. I like both boys." He called Brian a boy! "I certainly cannot make this decision for you."
"But, which one would -"
"YOU have to decide, Seth. And the hard part is you have to do it quickly. You can't keep two people just hanging there waiting. You're apt to lose both that way. Seth?"
"Yeah?"
"Let your heart decide, son."
"Thanks Dad. Mom says breakfast is in -- well now it will be pretty quick. I'll see you in the kitchen."
As I walked by the boys' bedrooms, both were open. Ed and Fred were in one and Mel and Charlie were in the other. They were all in pajamas. I smiled to myself. I had moved into the den, sleeping on the couch. Mom and dad didn't want to lie to the county -- well at least too much. Actually the county thought they were roomed with their respective brothers. But this was working well for them. I was happy that they both had found good friends. They all had so much in common. Fred and Charlie did not seem to miss their rich home at all.
"S'almost time for breakfast, guys. Better get dressed." I said as I passed their doors.
It was amazing how Eddie seemed to just shift his relationship with me. He seemed to accept easily that I was too old for him. Maybe I was growing up faster than I realized. It was less than a year ago that Chris told me I had to stop "playing" with Eddie. That seemed so hard at the time. Of course I didn't love Eddie. Not like I did Luke. Not like I do Brian.
So now what do I DO about Brian and Luke? I was thinking about all this as I was walking down the hall toward the kitchen. Then it hit me! I actually walked backwards to where I was when I thought to myself, "Not like I did Luke. Not like I do Brian." Not thinking about it, I had declared to myself that I "did" love Luke, but that I "Do" love Brian. I started walking back to the kitchen. Wow! The more I thought about it in this manner, the more it made sense.
I could remember the hurt from when Luke left, but it didn't hurt to see him. So I guess I am over the hurt, at least. And my "heart" was telling me that I loved him, past tense, but that I "love" Brian. I was still rather bewildered, but once I made this realization, I felt calm come over me like God was telling me -- "Yes, Son, this is right."
When I got into the kitchen, Mom said, "Did you tell your father and the boys it was almost time to eat?" I nodded. "Wow! Did you have time for a shower or -?"
"I didn't take a shower, Mom!"
"I guess that's not it, but - You look somehow different than when you came in -- maybe -- er -- less worried? I guess your little talk with your dad must have helped?"
"Yeah, maybe it did, Mom! Maybe it did."
I headed back to Santa Barbara immediately after breakfast, confident that Dad would fill Mom in -- and vice-versa. I first went to Chris's. Everyone was gone except for Luke, who was asleep on the couch. I was just debating whether I should wake him up to tell him the bad news, when he opened his eyes.
"Oh! Hi, Seth! I was hoping to see you again soon. It was so great to see you last night. And when you hugged me, - it brought back some old feelings, I have to admit."
"Yeah, I know, but -"
"But I was so relieved when you told me about your boyfriend! When Chris told me you were picking me up, I was really worried -- worried that you might want to -- er - start something back up. I felt so bad about leaving so abruptly last time, and I was not looking forward to -- dealing -- with it again. I'm -- just -- not ready."
"I know!" Was all I said. It was all I had to say!
"So when do I meet your doctor, Haoli?"
"I'm sure we'll get together before you leave -- Luker! Now you probably want to get back to sleep, and I need to get back and tell the doctor something important. See yah!" I hugged him. It felt so good to hug him as a -- a friend! I kissed him on the cheek.
I left quickly and drove to Brian's house. He wasn't there, so I let myself in with the key he gave me. He showed me how to manually disarm the alarm.
"Dear Seth," His note to me started.
"I hope you get this note. I have to tell you that I am a mess. I hope that since you are now reading this that you have made your -- decision. I was called to ask about working extra in the E.R. and since I could not think about anything but you and -- well, I decided to go in and try to think about something else.
Seth, it was not an accident that I told you I loved you. I hope you are there when I get home.
Love, Bri"
"Bri"? I had never called him that. Maybe he wanted me to. I set the alarm, locked the door and left. I drove to St. Francis, and entered the E.R. I approached the nurses station.
"May I help you?"
"Is Dr. Michaels by any chance available?"
"Let me check." She picked up the phone and dialed in a number. "Dr., there is a boy here," she addressed me, "What's your name?"
"Seth -- I'm a friend!"
"Sorry Dr. He says his name is Seth."
She hung up the phone and the door behind her flew open. He looked worried, but beckoned me to come in. I walked in and the door closed behind me. "So -- how -- how are you?" He said, pensively.
"I am -- fine. I'm in love, I guess!" He did not flinch, but kept drilling me with his eyes. "With you, Bri -- with you!"
He looked behind himself, then grabbed me and kissed me, his eyes overflowing. He stepped back a half step and looked in my eyes, which were shining brightly with moisture now, as well.
"I'll be home in three hours, and we will celebrate." He told me.
Notes: This is Wednesday before Thanksgiving. For those of you who are not from the U.S. Our Thanksgiving is always on Thursday, and most have Friday off as well, including me. I will not be back until Monday. So that gives me 5 days to think how Seth and his new love will celebrate! Of course it means you get to anticipate it for 5 days, too. Anticipation is not a bad thing! Comments, as usual, can be sent to Steve at s4d@hotmail.com. Please mention Seth in the subject line. Love, Steve