I have been informed that it would be a good idea to state a few warning comments. There may be graphic sexual scenes between men in this story, so please, if this offends you, or it is illegal or you are underaged to read such, stop here and hit your "back" button. If it is okay with you, read on and enjoy.
I also want to thank Nifty for the opportunity to post my stories here. I have met some very nice people and been afforded an opportunity to express myself as never before. The feedback I have received here has encouraged me on to write more. Thanks to you all.
From Chapter 10: "I know you're right, Jake. [about how forgiveness is as much for the forgiver as it is for the forgiven] And I do that over and over. But how often -- how often?"
"Seventy times seven." Rob intoned. "Jesus says we should forgive seventy times seven times."
"Hmmm. That's 490. Can I slug him after 491?" Brian said. That made Rob smile. "Seth, you don't have to come. It will be pretty uncomfortable at my house tonight."
"Then it will be uncomfortable for both of us, Brian."
"Seth, I love -- I love - your spunk!" He said. Everyone else smirked. "WHAT? -- OH! Get your minds out of the gutter!" and we all roared!
Chapter 11
We jumped back in the Ferrari and went back to the Michaels' home. Brian was such a gentleman. He always opened my door for me! I wasn't used to that. I wasn't even sure I -- liked it! As we entered the house, Buck was in the living room, talking to his dad. He looked at us and said something to Mr. Michaels and then left the room. Mr. Michaels called after him, "Buck!" But he didn't turn around.
Turning to us, "Hi, son." And to me, "Seth. Come in and sit down, both of you." We did as we were told. "I had hoped to talk to Brian alone, but -"
"I can go outside or something," I offered.
"No, maybe it's good that you're here. Please stay."
"What's this about Dad?"
"Well, it's really ABOUT your brother, Brian. He has decided to take a stand. He will not be in the same room with - well, I'm sorry to say this, Seth - but with you. I don't want to break up the family, but -"
"Mr. Michaels, I certainly don't want to break up your family, I" --
"But I won't have one of my sons dictating to me who I can and who I can't have in my home."
"Please, sir, I -"
"He has informed me that if Seth stays, he will be sick, and not come to the table for dinner."
"I feel really bad about this." I explained.
"But you see, son, it is not about you." I tried not to put too much hope in that he called me son.
"That's exactly what Jake said." Brian reminded me.
"Jake Smith?" His dad asked.
"Yeah. He told us before we came over here that -- I should not let my brother come between myself and -- you and Mom!"
"He's right! Let me make something clear here. I do not approve of - what you -- I don't approve of homosexual behavior."
I felt my cheeks and ears burning.
"But on the other hand, what someone does beyond these walls is none of my business. I don't have to encourage something I object to, by allowing it to happen in my home. but -- well, I guess I mean to say that -- Damn, Brian, this is hard to put into words. I honestly have not -- have not -- thought that much about it. But -- I guess -- Okay, here's the deal. I can agree to disagree with my son on certain principles, and still love him and be proud of him for the things that he excels at. So What I ask is -- please -- if you are -- sexual -- with each other, well, just please don't flaunt it in my home." And son, if you move away, and come to visit, don't expect me to put your -- partner -- in the same room as you are in. Plain and simple. Does that seem fair to you, Son?"
"It's as much as anyone should expect, Dad, given the circumstances. What about Buck?"
"I am going to talk to him next. We were talking when you came in. He's pretty strong willed, you know! Hmph! I can't imagine where he gets it from!"
"Well I do!" Brian chuckled. "Dad, can I have a go at Buck before you do? I think I have some ideas."
"Well, I guess. I sure don't have any ideas!"
"Did you see him when he first came home from the Smith's?"
"You mother and I were in the kitchen when he came in -- He headed straight into his bedroom and changed into some shorts, and then he and I started talking -- that's when you two came in."
"So, you didn't see him when he came in, right?"
"No. Why?"
"Just wondered. Seth, I'll be right back. You can stay and talk to my -- no! Instead, why don't you come with me."
I followed him down the hall. We got to Buck's door. Knock knock knock!!
"Just a minute!" A moment later, the door opened.
"Can I come in?" It wasn't really a question.
"Not if -"
Brian walked in, dragging me with him. Buck backed up, as if I had a disease he could catch. It was lighter in the room than in the hall. In the room, I could easily see that Buck's eyes were red. He was aware of it, I am sure, because he made a show of yawning, to give a reason for the redness.
"Little brother, notwithstanding our differences, I love you. And I think I understand what -- what you are going through." Said Brian.
"How could you - ?"
"You don't have to respond -- I'd rather you didn't until I am finished. You've known for years that I am gay. You have always given me a hard time for it. But did you know that I have known for years -- about you?"
"Whattaya - ?"
"SHHhh." Brian continued. "I've known since you and Jake were buddies, that you were very -- aroused by him -- AND me! NO! Don't answer -- and don't try to deny it! I could see the way you looked at him. I could see the way you looked at me. I also knew about you and Chuck Dansel."
"Wha - ? How did you - ?" Buck was turning white.
"Bucky, you were four years younger. You thought you were so cool and discreet. I knew about you and Chuck. And I saw once the way you eyed Jake when he was undressing over here. I am surprised he never picked up on it! But then he was also four years younger than I was. Heh! What we learned yesterday was that Jake was eyeing you too, but was afraid to ruin your friendship by making a move on you. If you -- if you are "bi" then okay. If you are like dad, and just don't think it is right, then okay, too. Just don't try to drive a wedge between me and my parents. You, of all people, should understand at least a little how I -- can be attracted to guys. Don't assume that everyone will think you are gay because you don't kick against it enough."
"I'm not gay." Buck said quietly. "I may have experimented with some of the guys, but -"
"You mean there were more than one?"
Buck ignored the question.
"- and yeah, I admired Jake! He was an excellent athlete and he was -- he was -"
"He was hot, Bucky! And you had to undress and take showers with him every day. And you were so threatened by your own feelings that you didn't notice how he looked at you." Buck was looking down the whole time. I couldn't see his face. But I saw something clear roll down his nose and drip of the end of it.
"I -- [shuddering sigh]" Buck started. "Please -- please don't tell -- Dad."
"I wouldn't, Bucky. You will have to do that."
"I can't -- now."
"Suit yourself. But it will be lot easier now than after you find a partner -- male OR female! And..."
Buck looked up.
"I KNOW what they teach at those schools about humility. Your pride is what is keeping you from saying anything."
"But Dad -- is so -- hard!"
"Bucky, he's not!" Brian took Buck's hand and pulled him into an embrace. "Think about it Bucky!" He said as he beckoned to me with his eyes. I came up to buck's back and hugged him from the other side. He immediately tensed up. He swallowed hard. "It's okay, little brother! Let it happen. It's been a long time coming!" He first started to sniff, and then his shoulders started to quake, as he quietly convulsed in our embrace. His tears were falling all over my hand that was on Brian's shoulder.
Finally he calmed down enough to say, "Don't tell Jake, K?"
"Of course not -- you are going to tell Jake, too! As a matter of fact, this is something you had better do sooner than later!" Brian left me hugging buck from the rear as he grabbed the phone and punched in Jake's number, and handed the phone to Buck.
"Hello?"
"Jake?"
"Yeah, - Buck?"
"Yeah."
"Are you alright?"
"I -- I don't know." Then a long silence.
"Buck? Are you still there?"
He answered in almost a whisper. "Yeah." Another long silence.
"Okay. What do you need, buddy?"
In front of Buck, Brian was mouthing "I'm sorry..."
"I'm sorry -- Jake - for -- what happened --"
"That was kinda awkward wasn't it, buddy?"
"Brian tells me you used to -- watch me -- in the showers -- that you -- admired me?"
""Wow! He did? Wow!" Jake back-pedaled a little. "Uh, what made him -- uh -- say a thing like that?"
Poor Jake must have been bewildered, not knowing what had happened on our end.
"I -- I -- admitted that -- that -- I was -- er -- um -- watching you -- too!"
"You -- what exactly do -- you were checking out my package while I was looking at yours?!"
Something loud occurred on the other end of the line. "Anyway, I wanted to call and -- get straight with you."
"That's good, because if you wanted to get any other than straight with me, I'd have to decline!" Another loud noise.
"Can we meet -- alone -- and talk?"
"No."
"No?"
"Colin -- my partner -- and I don't do that. You and I have too much -- history. Colin might worry. So if we meet, he will be there."
"But --that's -- ridiculous!"
"If you were a minister, advising a married couple, would you advise one of them to meet, alone, with a member of the opposite sex?"
"No!"
"Then this is exactly the same."
"Oh. Okay."
"When did you want to meet?" Jake said.
"I'm pretty open. Are you flying out tomorrow night?"
"Actually tomorrow morning."
"So -- when would be good for you, Jake?"
"Have you had dinner yet?"
"No."
"Why don't you call me when you are finished with dinner, and I'll come over."
"Really?"
"I'd like to see your parents. Do they -- did you tell them about me?"
"You know, I didn't! I was so --dismayed about my brother, I did not mention it to them."
"Heh! This should be interesting. Well, don't tell them until I get there. Have you -- er -- do they know about -- you?"
"No."
"Buck, are you ready to tell them?"
"Heh! I'll never be READY."
"Well, if you want to -- tell them -- tonight, I will help you."
"Jake?"
"Yeah?"
"I -- I don't quite -- know -- what to tell them. I'm not gay -- or at least, I don't think -"
"Don't worry about that, bud. We'll get through it. K?"
"K. Jake?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm -- scared -- really scared!"
"I know, Bucky, I know! See you later -- call me!"
"K. Bye."
"So, Buck," Brian said, "we caught the gist of most of that -- we could hear most of it, actually. What were the two outbursts earlier?"
"Jake had all the guys around him -- and Carrie -- and when I initially told him, they all cheered! The second was when he said he could only be straight with me. They all laughed!"
Nothing was said at the dinner table, as to why Buck decided to eat with us.
Nothing was said about why Buck, Brian and I were talking so easily. But both Mr. and Mrs. Smith were visibly relieved and looked happy.
After dinner, Buck called and Jake and Colin came over. As soon as they stepped in the door, Mr. Michaels said, "Jake! You look -- great! Have you -- lost weight?"
"Yes, a little." Jake answered. "Mr. Michaels, this is my partner, Colin."
"Oh. Good to know you, Colin. What is it you guys do together?"
I almost laughed out loud when he said that!
"Mr. Michaels," Jake responded with a smile, "we're domestic partners -- for life."
"You -- oh! You mean --?" Mr, Micheals looked at Buck. Buck had a worried look on his face.
"Dad," Buck started, "Lets sit down, okay?"
"Wow! This sounds serious, son."
"We'll see." Buck replied.
"Dad, I kind of had an awakening today."
"I was hoping you would -- some day. Today is as good as any."
"Dad, I learned more about myself today than -- than -" Buck got up, turned around and shifted his weight from foot to foot. "Maybe I should go back and explain a thing or two. Years ago, when we were in high school together, I -- was -" You could see the sweat forming on Buck's face and under his arms. "Well, Jake told me that" he looked at Jake.
"Mr. Michaels," Jake continued, "As you know, Buck and I were somewhat close in high school. But -- not as close as I wanted to be. I had a pretty good idea that I was gay back then. I was afraid to get to close to Buck. I was afraid that I would alienate him if he ever knew that -- er -- how I admired him. I was especially afraid he would catch me watching him in the showers - after football practice."
It was obvious how uncomfortable Jake was, admitting this to Buck's dad. Buick again continued. "Dad, I -- I" his voice broke. "I had almost completely suppressed - and forgotten - this, until I went over to Jake's this morning. Dad, while Jake was eyeing me in the showers -- I was sneaking peeks at him as well -- and guiltily enjoying it way too much! I think that's one of the reasons I decided to go into the ministry. To try to "cleanse" myself."
"Wow. Does your mother know?"
"No one knew -- not even me -- before this morning."
"Does this mean you are going to give up the ministry?"
"No, not at all. It's just that I have learned some valuable lessons today that will probably help me -- and maybe many others in the future -- to be more moderate and more accepting and -- yes Dad -- more loving in my ministry."
"But -- does this mean you will be a -- gay -- minister?"
"Dad, I'm not gay -- or at least not exclusively. I like girls -- women. I want to be married with children in the not too distant future. But I think I can be helpful to those -- especially kids -- who are confused and lonely because they feel shunned in the world -- as many gays do. The Presbyterian Church does not allow gay ministers -- yet -- and does not perform gay marriages, but I feel that someday they might."
"Well, I guess" Mr. Michaels said, "that's why the youth -- the strong ones -- will carry the torch into the future. Old guys like me -- we don't understand -- and honestly -- we don't have an inclination to try to, either. I'm happy with the way things were -- or I was. I don't know if I will ever fully accept that" he looked apologetically at Brian, "that performing gay acts is not sinful. But I know I love my sons, and we all sin, so I don't see it as any worse than some of my own sins -- maybe. Doesn't Jesus' sacrifice wash us all -- doesn't it say that in the bible, son?"
"It does dad. It says that all fall short. Where we fall short, if we are doing our best to live a good life, Jesus' sacrifice has already made us spotless when we meet God someday. End of sermon!" He grinned, and the tension was broken.
Mrs. Michaels walked into the living room. Everyone was sitting quietly -- too quiet. "What's going on?" She asked.
"I'll fill you in later Honey, but our son has grown up today." He said, looking at Buck.
With Thanksgiving over, the rest of the weekend flew by too fast. I stayed at Brian's that night. We had a light dinner on the patio, overlooking the rocks and the sunset over the ocean. It was so romantic. I did not even know the meaning of the word before that night. Brian was the perfect gentleman -- and lover. Even with my innovations, he still did not pressure me to do anything I was uncomfortable with. It was a very nice end to a very nice weekend.
The holiday season was fast upon us. It turned cold and rainy in the next week. It was only two weeks since I had stayed with Brian. We saw each other on the 2 weekends -- I drove up there -- and it was nice. We did not cover much more territory in our sex life, but he showed me some places I didn't know existed. We went to Nipomo, not too far away. Nipomo is famous for their apples and for Nipomo agate, which is peculiar to that area. Our friendship was deepening.
I had never sent any Christmas cards of my own out. But since graduating, there were a few I wanted to keep in contact with. There was one older boy -- about 2200 miles away that I was contemplating whether or not to send a card to, when I got a card in the mail -- about December tenth, with a letter included:
"Dear Haoli,
I hope this finds you happy and well. The weather here is perfect -- as it is every day of the year. I hope you have found someone special to spend Kalikimaka with. I haven't yet. And since I cannot go home to my own family, I have been thinking of accepting Chris and Craig's invitation to come to Santa Barbara. I still have a round trip ticket left, to use when I please. I hope to see you sometime while I am there.
Love, Luker"
I read the letter and felt a warmth sweep over me. Then I felt cold and terrified. Was I giving undue significance to his salutation, and his sign off. He had called me Haoli. This was an endearing term -- at least I took it to be -- while he was here. And he signed it "Luker". No doubt in my mind that he knew this was my special name for him. He signed it, "love". Any one of those things probably would have gone unnoticed -- or at least been easy to ignore.
I was so happy with my budding relationship with Brian, but this threw confusion into the mix. When Brian and I met -- the second time -- it felt -- neat. I can remember when it hit me that this sexy older guy was actually interested in me. How impossible that seemed. But not only was he interested, he was attracted to me and treated me like a king. Or was it a queen he treated me like? Anyway, he put me on a pedestal almost, and seemed to care for me. We had discussed some very deep and tender subjects.
I had known him -- well at least twice as long as I knew Luker -- Luke!
"Dear Luke,
If you come to Santa Barbara, of course I will probably see you. I normally go up there to see my brother for holidays. Actually I seem to make it there every weekend lately. So if you come I will almost for sure see you. Take care.
Love, Seth"
I must have thought for a half-hour whether or not to sign it "love". After that I could not get him out of my mind.
"Seth, where are you?" Brian said. "You seem to be miles away tonight."
"I -- I don't know. I -- er -- got a card from Luker -- I mean Luke -- last week. He may be here for Christmas."
"and -- you want to see him."
"Well, of course I wonder how he is."
"You still love him, don't you?"
"I -- don't -- I don't even know if he -- feels anything -- special for me."
"But if he does -"
"If he does -- I'm afraid."
"So am I, Seth. I am growing ever more fond of you. Do you really think he would be coming this far just to visit your brother? That's a very expensive trip for that purpose."
"He has a round trip fare already paid for -- to use whenever he wants."
"Oh. But you want to see him, don't you?"
"But I don't want to -- hurt -- you, Brian. I -- Part of me wants him to kick me in the balls, like your Robert did to you."
"And the other part of you? I'm not gonna just let you go without a whimper, Seth. I have been seriously considering asking you to come live here. Next semester. I could help you with your school -- both financially and practically. But -- better to hurt me now than later when I love you even more. Robert made it easy for me to let him go. Your Luke left you wondering -- I see that. I don't want you wondering. I can support you in a -- very nice manner -- but it wouldn't mean much if you did not love me. This is one of the hardest things I have ever said, but -- I feel closer to you than I ever was with Robert -- but I want you to see Luke and either get him out of your system -- or -- or -- the alternative. I can't even say it, but you know what I mean."
"Gosh, I feel so -- heartless, Brian. But I'm not! I DO lo -- er -- care for you! Dammit1 This is so hard for me! But I need to -- as you say -- get him out of my system."
There was no sex that night. We did sleep together, and held each other most of the night. I also had a strange dream:
I was sitting in a large room. There were multi-colored banners on both sides of the room -- coats of arms. I was sitting at the end of this long room. I looked down and was covered by a long burgundy plush robe, trimmed with ermine, and I had on a large diamond ring. I looked to my right and there was Brian. He was sitting on a chair -- a throne - that was bigger than mine. He was wearing a purple Robe. He had on a gold scepter and crown. It was then that I felt something on my head. I took off my crown, It was platinum, and had diamonds and rubies studding the circumference. While I was looking at it, the king reached over and stroked my head. It felt like he was stroking my back and shoulders, but he was only touching my head. And it felt very comforting -- warm and safe.
There was a loud click at the opposite end of the long hall. A boy dressed as a courier approached the thrown. At first it looked like he had black leggings under his bloomers. But as he got closer and knelt at the foot of the king, I saw that I was seeing his bare legs. He knelt and kissed the huge ruby ring on the king's hand. Then he turned to me. I hadn't noticed his eyes until he looked at me. He swept off his large floppy hat and his blue-black hair, dark, dark skin, and purple eyes mesmerized me. Where had I seen them before! He took my hand in his to kiss it. As he gently and inadvertently stroked my hand, it felt like he was stroking my package. He kissed my smaller ring, and it felt like he brushed the short hair under my testicles. A shiver went through me like an electric shock! I shuddered. I was scared.
"Are you all right, Seth?" Brian mumbled.
"Yeah -- just a bad -- well -- just a dream."
"Can you tell me about it?"
"No. Too weird and too scary."
"K."
I snuggled up closer to Brian. He stroked my head, and wrapped his arm over my waist, and with his hand on my chest pulled me in close. I felt so warm and safe. I thought about what a wonderful man this was, and how much he meant to me. I thought about Luke and felt hot tears come out of my eyes. I moaned very quietly. Brian squeezed me once again, and then went limp. I listened for about an hour to his even breathing and finally fell asleep, thinking how lucky I should feel.
As usual, I awakened first. I slipped out of bed and tip-toed into the kitchen where I knew there was a phone.
"Hello?" the voice at the other end of the phone said.
"Sorry Craig. Can I talk to Chris?" I whispered.
"Hullo?" Chris mumbled into the phone.
"I'm sorry to wake you, bro. Have you heard anything from Luke -- is he coming?"
"I just got a call from him last night. He will be getting here next week -- Friday afternoon."
Too quickly I said, "I'll pick him up!" I forgot to whisper. "Gotta go! Let me know when his plane will be there." I hung up.
"You're up talkin' on the phone very early, young man." Brian was standing in the kitchen doorway.
"Yeah. Actually I am an early person. I think this is the first weekend since we -- met -- that I haven't been exhausted."
"I know." Brian answered. "I didn't even hear the phone ring."
"I -- it didn't. I called him."
"Must have been pretty important to call this early."
"We're both early risers." I didn't lie. I didn't have to tell him that Chris was still asleep.
"But you must have had something weighing on your mind to call so early."
"I -- I did."
"Is -- is he -- coming?" He said, sounding afraid of the answer.
"Yes."
The change in his posture was visible. He didn't mean it to be. He just generally slumped -- almost imperceptibly. "When is he getting in?" He asked me.
"Next Friday afternoon."
"When -- when do you plan to -- see -- him."
"Next Friday afternoon."
"Oh. I guess - will I be seeing you next weekend?"
"Of course! Nothing is going to -"
"You should probably stay with your brother next weekend." He said, "Huh?"
"Yeah -- I suppose." It felt so awkward. I looked down at the floor for a moment. I felt tears forming in my eyes again. I didn't want to hurt this wonderful man! I peeked up to see if he was looking at me. He was. His eyes were full of tears as well.
He walked to me and wrapped his arms around me. I reciprocated and we stood there for a long moment, heads on shoulders. I said, "I -- I DO love you, but -"
"I love you too, BUTT!" he smiled as he answered. "Don't you know you are not supposed to follow I love you' with but'!"
I snuffled my nose into his neck. "Eww!" he said, "First you say you love my butt, then you snot on my neck!" He was trying to lighten an impossibly heavy situation.
"I'm sorry, Brian."
"I know. I hope he has steel toed shoes!"
Notes: Thanks for reading! Comments as usual are welcome and appreciated. Write to Steve, s4d@hotmail.com. Mention Seth in the subject line, so I won't miss it among the junkmail.