I have been informed that it would be a good idea to state a few warning comments. There may be graphic sexual scenes between men in this story, so please, if this offends you, or it is illegal or you are underaged to read such, stop here and hit your "back" button. If it is okay with you, read on and enjoy.
From Chapter 20:
Hey! What if we leave a couple hours after you, and we can meet you at the airport, and all go out for dinner?" Dad said to me.
"Well, - that still leaves me riding all the way home - probably four hours today - alone with Craig."
"That might not be a bad thing, Chris. You need to talk. Captive audience and all?"
"Sigh! I guess you're right. Thanks!"
Chapter 21
We said our good-byes to Jake and Colin. Colin looked very weary to me. I know he was extremely worried about Jake. Jake actually looked revived from spending the long weekend with family.
As we hugged, I held on to my cousin forever! I think, unconsciously, I was feeling it might be the last time. When we finally broke, he said to me, "I know what you are thinking, Cuz! Don't! We will see you in a couple weeks, and then a couple weeks after that, for Christmas."
"You look better than when you came, actually!" I told him.
"I feel better. I still had a hard time sleeping, but seeing all of you was a real boost for me. See yah!"
"See yah!"
I then turned to Colin. I had to wait for Seth to finish with him. Seth seemed so taken with Colin. And why not. He was a delightful man, and very striking in appearance. It was easy to see why my cousin fell for him. Looking back, we were all so close in age, but Jake and Colin seemed so much older and more mature, and Seth seemed soooo much younger! Finally, I got my chance to say good-bye to Colin.
"Colin, This has been - well - a great time for me. I am struggling in my thing with Craig, but - as you say, I guess it will work out - one way or the other."
"Yes. I know what you are experiencing. I thought I had lost Jake once - and now -" His eyes got glassy.
"Colin, I can imagine how hard this is for you. You look - well - very tired. Could you listen to some advice from a younger man?"
"Of course!" We were standing in a hug, and our noses were almost touching.
"It is more an observation than advice. I think - please don't take this wrong - I think that your worrying may be - er - dragging Jake down. I noticed that being with his family has revived him somewhat, but you seem more tired than when you came."
"I have thought of that too. But I can't seem to do anything about it. I am a worrier."
"Do you pray?"
"Well, yes we do."
"I don't mean `we', Colin. Do you pray individually?"
"Sometimes."
"Do it more often. If you really believe in God, tell him your worries. Ask him to - to help you deal better with them. He can help - I believe."
"Thanks, Chris. Thanks a lot! I'll try that. Take care, and we will see you soon!"
"Bye. OH! I wondered. I noticed your ticket is to Pittsburgh. Do you have to fly through there to get home?"
"That's one way we can go. My brother, Bobby, is there, and we don't have to back `til Wednesday. We will be visiting him and his wife and daughter for a couple days."
"Oh. `Just was curious! Bye!"
Jake and Colin disappeared up the escalator. "I'm starved!" Seth said.
"Of course you are! You're a growing boy - again! We don't want to spoil our appetites for dinner, but a snack may well be in order. There's Cinnabon! Would one of those hold you over?"
"Yeah and a large full-fat milk!" he said.
"Ugh!"
We got our cinnamon rolls and sat to eat them, and wait for Dad and Mom. "Chris?"
"Yeah?"
"Uh - when - uh - well, when did you realize you were uh -"
"Gay?"
"Sigh! Yeah!" That was hard for him!
"I suppose I always knew. But I didn't - I didn't exactly know that I knew."
"Huh?"
"I was in denial for most of my school years. I started to think about it, in very non-committal terms, when I was a senior, I think. It was a long time before I could actually even say to myself, `Am I gay?' It was such a traumatic thing - I remember the moment I actually thought it to myself."
"Yeah?"
"It was after I graduated. I was so damned popular, yet I looked all around on grad night and there were all my other friends standing starry-eyed with a girl. I dated all the time, as you know, but never really got attached. About mid summer, I was mulling this over, one more time. Finally I thought to myself, Am I - am I -' Seth, I couldn't even think it. I was trembling and sweating. Finally I thought it! Am I - gay- I wonder?' It was the hardest thing I ever did - just to think it!"
"Hmm." He said.
"Have you thought about it, Seth? I mean, do you still think - or wonder - if you are?"
"I - I don't think so. I never thought about or even worried about it as you say you did. I started wondering though the night I saw you and Craig - er - doing it."
"Omigod, Seth! I was so worried that may be the case! "I am so - so sorry!"
"NO! It's all right! I was always fascinated in the showers at school, and always wondered if other guys - if they were as interested as I was. It never occurred to me that I might be gay though, until that night. It looked so hot, watching you guys in the dark. I couldn't see you well, but you were both into it so - deeply. No don't say it! I had to face it - or something - someday. When we went to Vermont, it was a premeditated action that I did. I wanted to know. It was stupid - what I did - but it pretty much settled it for me. I had to watch the - the mechanics of it. It was totally gross to me."
"I'm so glad we came upon you when we did. If anything had happened to you - I would have blamed myself forever!"
"Well, you shouldn't! I am pretty sure now. I only still wonder when I - like - when I was hugging Colin just then. I could feel his bulge. It was not moving, but I could feel mine getting firm. I think he could too, and he changed positions, so we were not touching- there."
"Well, I'm no expert, but I think that's normal - especially for a guy your age. It doesn't take much to set off a seventeen year old!"
"I know! Dad told me he could remember getting a woody (well, he called it an erection!) just looking at a pencil or a tomato when he was my age."
"Wow! He never told me - shit! We never talked at all - especially about anything as controversial as sex! You are so lucky!"
"I hate it when I get hard just before the end of a period at school. Trying to get up and hide it is fucked!"
"I know. It still happens to me in college. And, by the way, watch your language, huh?"
"Sorry. Chris, do you think Craig is going to - to -"
"I wish I knew what he was going to do. I can't express how I feel about him. I can't even express it to him! I just know he knows, because he feels the same - at least I hope he does."
"I've seen the way he looks at you when you're not looking. I think he does. So what is his problem?"
"Seth, like all of us, he is dealing with his own set of problems, from his own perspective. If he loves me as much as I do him, and I think he does, then he has to be in a world of hurt. Sometimes our lives can get so fucked up!"
"Tell me about it! Oh, and, uh, watch you language, huh?"
"( chuckle!) Touché! And sorry! You know little brother, I sure love you a lot! You used to get on my nerves when we were younger, but - you are the greatest!"
"Boy, if I got on your nerves, you never showed it much. You've been a great big brother."
"Omigod! Get out the shovel! We're getting in pretty deep! Hee hee!"
"What happened to Jake? How did he get sick?"
"Oh, its was really stupid. He came home and found Colin - with someone else." I knew about Bobby - Colin had told me - but I surely wasn't going to go there with my little brother!
"What? Colin was cheating on him?"
"It wasn't as simple as that. They kind of had an understanding. Not exactly an `open' relationship, but there was this one guy, who they - included in their, uh, affair, before they got really - uh - serious"
"You man like a threesome?"
"Something like that - maybe." I wasn't about to tell him it was Colin's brother! I wished I didn't know! Anyway, Jake kind of went off the deep end one night when he walked in on them, and went to a very bad area - promiscuous gay sex all over this certain park - He got drunk and - and just let it all out in wild sex with several guys - unprotected!"
"Wow!"
"Yeah! WOW! Please tell me you will not ever get that drunk! You can catch diseases from girls too! - or do any number of stupid things. I know!
I have. I've been lucky enough that I never got into serious trouble. Rob said his dad told him to stay away from booze very early on- even before he wanted to do it. He was close enough with his dad, he believed him and never felt he needed to rebel in that way."
"Is Jake really gonna die, Chris?"
"We all are going to die, Seth. But yes. Probably he will die sooner than any of the rest of us. Probably within the year."
"Gosh! I was never close to him like you were, but - it doesn't seem possible."
"I know. At our age it seems like we will live forever. And it's hard when someone dies. Remember that accident a couple years ago? I was a senior, you were a soph, and a couple of the juniors ran off the road on the way up to Big Bear? Ricky was drinking, by the way. Rick was killed. His buddy was not. But I had just seen Ricky the day before, at school. It took me a long time to realize he was really dead. I still have a hard time with that. He was a pretty good pal of mine in Junior high. And one day he was here, the next, he was gone. I still feel an emptiness, thinking about it."
"What must it be like to lose someone close. Do you cry, thinking about Jake? I know I would if it were you!"
"I have cried already. But I was also feeling very low over Craig. I don't know how I will handle it when it finally happens. But people do it every day - and go on living. And they seem to be happy, too. Some day Mom or Dad may wake up - hopefully years from now - and the other will feel cold. How must that be? But they will have had a long life together. I wonder if that makes it easier?"
"Me too."
We talked about lots of things that were especially bothering or on Seth's mind. Before we knew it, it was time for Craig to get in. He was walking toward us before we noticed. I felt like crap! I had wanted to be waiting at the gate for him. I just got too involved with my brother.
"Hi!" I said.
"Hi."
"You look tired!"
"Yeah, I suppose."
"Mom and Dad are meeting us and taking us out for dinner. You hungry?"
"I s'pose."
"It was so great seeing and being with all the family. Jake and Colin both asked about you! How was your Thanksgiving, home?"
"Okay."
I could tell this was not going to be easy. And I was going to have to spend four hours alone oin the car with him. Captive audience, indeed! Crap!
"Did you know that Jake is gonna - die?" Seth said.
"What?" Well, finally somebody hit a note with him!
"Yeah," I added, "His HIV did develop into AIDS."
"What? That's impossible! It has gone so quickly! I thought it took years?!" Craig exclaimed.
"Usually does. But obviously not always."
"I'm so sorry, Chris! I know you're so close with him."
It felt bad having to rehash Jake's situation, but it felt good to have Craig - well - at least care about my feelings.
"Here come Mom and Dad!" Seth said.
"And I'll bet Seth is a hungry boy!" Craig said. "Have you grown in the last two months, Seth?"
Seth's chest came WAY out! "Almost an inch since June!"
"And you've been working out, haven't you?"
"Yup!" Seth was so pleased he noticed! And for the attention. I was wishing I could get some of Craig's attention!
"SO! Are all you strapping young men ready for a feast?" my dad said.
"I know I am!" Seth said.
They took us to a Hometown buffet. I hate those places! Kids screaming and apparently their parents don't care. Seth didn't seem to notice. Somehow my parents seemed to ignore it. Maybe it's easier when you have to pay! Seth went back for thirds - full to overflowing every time! Then he made himself a huge concoction with cake, ice cream, fudge, strawberries - I about barfed looking at it. Yup! He was still a growing boy! Watching Seth eat was the only thing I enjoyed about the dinner. Neither Craig nor I ate very much. I kept catching Craig looking at me with - it seemed like a concerned expression. I hated that - but not as much as I dreaded getting into the car with him. Finally it was time We said our good-byes to the folks and Seth. "See you in two weeks!" Seth said.
We got to the car. I unlocked the passenger door for Craig. I couldn't stand it. "Can I at least have a hug?" I asked.
He put his stuff in the trunk then stepped up to me. He was stiff at first, then he sort of melted. He clung to me and my mouth found his. He kissed me back, more passionately than he had for weeks. Then he started to cry.
"What's wrong, Babe?" I said. "What's wrong?"
"I - I - don't - I wish I -" He was blubbering. "I'm so - so mixed up."
I didn't know what to do, so I tried to kiss him again. "No! We shouldn't be - pl - please, let's go!"
I was shattered! I walked to my side of the car. I wanted so much to cry, but I couldn't for some reason. I got in. Tears were still flowing down his face. I started the car, went to the booth and paid, and drove out to the freeway, and headed north. Neither of us spoke. Not then or for nearly an hour. I drove and when I looked over at him. He was always just staring ahead. Then I felt his hand on mine, between the seats. He squeezed my hand! An electric shock went through me.
"I got home," he started, still looking straight ahead "And my parents had invited my old girlfriend over for dinner!" He looked at me. "That was so completely FUCKED!" He started crying again. "Chris, I love you so much. SO MUCH! But I can't fucking get this fucking dread out of my fucking head!
It just seems so wrong! What we've been doing. While we are doing it, it seems so sweet, but - but" He then started to sob, really loud. I squeezed his hand. He calmed down.
"So what," I very calmly asked, "What are you going to do?"
"Can you pull the car over for a moment?" He asked. "I just can't say this while you are driving and not - big sigh - looking into my eyes."
I couldn't cry. I felt like I was going to burst! I pulled over as soon as I could. I dreaded whatever it was he would say. I pulled into and then behind a gas station. There was enough light to see by. I stopped the engine, and turned in my seat to face Craig. He looked deep into my eyes. He looked like he was going to start talking several times, then thought better of it.
Finally after what seemed an eternity, he just said, "Chris. I love you. I think what we are doing is wrong. I just can't justify it all in my mind. When I am with you, you are so devastatingly - alluring to me, but when I am not with you - or even when we are in bed, and we are not - I just feel so dirty. Oh God, I'm sorry! Maybe dirty is not the right word. It just seems wrong. I don't know!"
I wanted to hold him, but with the bucket seats in my car and the center console it was awkward. I looked from one eye to the other, trying to divine what it was I could say. Finally I said, "Shall we get back on the road?"
"I guess."
I started driving north again, and after only about five minutes, I said, "Wow! So your parents tried to hook you up?" I laughed. So did he!
"I know!" he said. "How weak!"
"So how was it back home besides that?"
"It wasn't - it was - really - it sucked!"
"What do you want to do after we get home?"
"You mean besides crawl in a hole somewhere?"
"If you do, can I come?" I said it jokingly - but not really. "Craig. If you need time to sort this out - I'll wait."
I don't know where that came from. My desperation, I guess.
"Do you mean that?"
"I - I do!"
"Oh. God, Chris! You don't know how good that makes me feel." He sighed - huge sigh - and he seemed to relax into the seat for the first time. Sometimes the universe just delivers up what you need. I felt better. Nothing was resolved, but at least we both felt more comfortable. He reached over and took my hand again, and brought it up to his mouth and kissed it. "Chris, you have no idea how I have missed you!"
"Oh, I think I might!"
"I can't - I wish I could - but I can't - make you any promises at this time. Can you just love me and wait while I sort this out?"
"How - how long will I have to wait?"
"I don't know. Let's say until the end of the semester. If I have not made a - a decision by then, then I'll split."
"O - okay - I guess. I mean, what choice do I have."
"I'm so sorry!"
"Seth and I are going to Vermont in two weeks"
"Does he have to appear in court - those perverts?"
"No. We just - Jake wants us to come. We couldn't say no."
"Can - shall I go?"
"I - I think it will be better - with just Seth and me."
"Okay. It will give me some time to think."
God! I didn't WANT him thinking!
When we got home, we were both exhausted. We showered - separately - and went to bed. The sex was - comforting for both of us, I think. I laid awake for a long time. I know he thought I was asleep. I could hear his breathing get erratic, and I could hear his sniffing. Finally he went to sleep, and then I did.
Notes: I had to stop here. This was just too emotionally draining for me. I don't know what will happen. As usual, Sue me! Praise me! Just don't ignore me! Don't forget to put "Chris" in the subject line. Love, Steve s4d@hotmail.com
P.S. There won't be another posting until Tuesday at the earliest. And if you write, I can't get to a computer until Monday. So I am not ignoring anyone! I love you! Steve