CHOICES
CHAPTER 3, Version B-1 (You chose: Steve will remain true to his values)
Steve continued asking questions about the hustler's life on the streets and his experiences with customers. The problems with sometimes kinky customers didn't bother him nearly as much as the poor soul's having no home. Steve felt overwhelming sympathy and said, "It must be quite a problem to live on the streets with no place to do normal things like eat regular meals, shower, and sleep in a comfortable bed."
"Yeah. I miss those kind of things. But what choice do I have? It's either doing what I do or going back home where the neighborhood is full of drug addicts that are desperate for a way to feed their habit. They don't think twice about beating you up or even killing you for whatever cash you might have. It's living Hell just to walk to and from school. Always looking over your shoulder for some crazed asshole wanting to steal from you. Or beat the shit out of you just to find out you got no money. My life isn't good now but it's a damn sight better than what I escaped from."
Compassion prompted Steve to say, "I've got an idea. I live in the dorm over on campus. My room mate has gone home for while and won't be back until late Sunday night. I've got no money that I can give you but I can offer you a few nights of sleep in a real bed. It isn't much but you'll be comfortable and safe for a little while. You can come and go as you like but you'll have a bed to sleep in. And a hot shower if you want. How about it?"
The teen stared at Steve for a moment with an expression that suggested disbelief. The expression turned to a scowl when the hustler said emphatically, "Nice try, Mister! If you think I'm gonna give you sex just for letting me sleep in your room, you're crazy."
"That's not my reason," Steve objected. "There's no obligation for sex. I promise. I just want to do a small favor to a young man who deserves a little comfort."
"Sure," the teen snarled. "That's what you say now. But I've learned to see bullshit for what it is. I've had to to survive. You're like everybody else. You'll do or say anything for a piece of my ass. It ain't gonna happen! I'd rather be out finding horny men who'll pay me for a few minutes of sex."
Steve tried to assure the hustler that his promise of no sex was genuine. "It's not bullshit! I just want to..."
The young man interrupted, "Don't pile on more bullshit! I'm outta here! Sorry for bothering you."
He stood and started to walk away, ignoring pleas to come back and talk. Steve's promise of no expectation of sex was legitimate. He genuinely wanted to do a favor for an unfortunate young man while fully recognizing the temptation it would be to sleep in the same room with a very attractive guy...a guy who could satisfy his lingering desires. He was shakily confident that he could resist the temptation. Not that long ago, when his devotion to his religion was strong, his confidence level would be much higher. Now, however, he had begun to doubt his religion's precepts and, in particular, it's condemnation of homosexuality, so his level of confidence was not complete. He also recognized that the hustler might use the seduction skills that the young man had obviously developed and would lure him into a sexual trap. If that were to happen, he was even less confident that he could resist the temptation. But he privately vowed to protect his virginity until he met someone who shared his priorities. Promiscuous sex with strangers was not his goal.
Steve watched the young man stride purposefully toward Riverside Drive and toward a continuation of the life he had chosen, a life of seeking and finding men in need of sexual gratification and filling that need. For a price. He sat for a long time contemplating the pitiful plight of a young man with obvious initiative, courage...and potential...who because of circumstances was forced into prostitution. Deep in Steve's psyche, however, was another thought that he refused to fully acknowledge. He had missed out on an opportunity to experience what he had craved. In doing so, he denied himself the possibility, however remote, of experiencing—or at least experimenting with—sex with a man. Yes, he regretted losing the opportunity but he had chosen the respectable path of offering at least temporary help to another soul who had to cope with homelessness and insecurity. He even consoled himself with the possibly that he had protected his remaining aversion of homosexual acts. A desire for sexual gratification with a man was unfortunate but actively engaging in forbidden sex was unforgivable in the eyes of God (perhaps) and certainly in the eyes of society.
When the sun descended toward the skyline of the New Jersey shore Steve made his way back to his empty dorm room. It wasn't safe to be in the park after dark. He skipped dinner because he had spent more than his daily food budget buying lunch for an unfortunate young man. The satisfaction of giving a little bit of help to one in need trumped the hunger pains that he felt. He went to bed early. Because of the heat in the room without air conditioning, he took advantage of being alone and stripped off all his clothes. He positioned a small fan to blow air across his completely naked body. It helped only a little. And he couldn't fall asleep. His mind was reflecting on the encounter with the hustler and wondering about the teen's uncertain future. Significantly, however, images of the boy— youthful, attractive and virile in an inexplicable way—persistently arose in his mind. One very memorable image was the clear view of the hustler fondling an impressive cock invitingly, enticingly, arousingly. Steve was powerless to avoid maintaining that image in his mind, which, of course, caused his own cock to assert itself by engorging and demanding relief.
After a particularly intense orgasm (Masturbation. a victimless transgression can be tolerated...unlike the more serious sin of sex with a man.), Steve was able to fall asleep. But his sleep was disrupted by a dream. He was still in Riverside Park. With the hustler. Hidden behind some bushes. He was exploring all over the young man's completely naked body. His eyes and hands were paying particular attention to the surprisingly stiff and firm cock that arose like a monument to virility from an undergrowth of profuse, black, curly pubic hair. Precum oozed from under the protective foreskin and fell in a glistening string to pool just below the navel on the young man's magnificent body.
Steve awoke with a start. He had erotic dreams before but this was exponentially more vivid and real. He would usually reflect on those dreams after awakening but not this time. His cock was fully erect—that was not unusual—but this time it was different. His cock was throbbing painfully. He immediately, one might say instinctively, moved his hand down to ease the mild pain. He was surprised to feel that it was slippery. It only took a moment to realize that he had ejaculated. A smear of cum coated his abdomen ran down to stain the bottom sheet of his bed. It was his first wet dream or, as he preferred to call it, nocturnal emission, and he was understandably surprised. Even more surprising was his first thought: disappointment that he had been asleep and not able to enjoy the thrill of another climax. His second thought was that he would have to take the sheet to a nearby laundromat and pay twice what it would cost in the student-run laundry. The embarrassment of having his obviously cum-stained sheet discovered by another student was intolerable...such was the thinking of a naïve, almost prudish college sophomore.
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Steve earned his degree not with honors but with a record impressive enough to win four job offers. For the first time, he faced the challenge of having to choose from among four roads leading to different and largely unpredictable futures. After agonizing over the potential benefits and risks, he accepted a job as a civilian employee at Hill Air Force Base thirty miles north of Salt Lake City and about the same distance from his parents' farm. The proximity to his family was a major consideration but the job was at least equally promising.
Within a year, he met a vivacious and personable young woman. The friendship grew to be remarkably strong because of many shared interests. With the hope that a traditional marriage would quell his hidden desires and would earn him the respect of family and colleagues, he proposed. They were married (in a civil ceremony, disappointing his parents). He found that sex with a woman was more than tolerable; it was downright enjoyable. For a very long time, his secret yearnings faded. But they were not dead...only hibernating
Six years and three children later, the marriage began to change, imperceptibly at first but gradually becoming noticeable. The couple remained cordial enough but by mutual although tacit agreement, sex was less and less frequent. Ten years into the marriage, sex was only a memory. Steve's homoerotic thoughts and fantasies returned.
Soon after the last child had grown and moved out, Steve, with no objection from his wife, took over a vacant bedroom. He had lived a straight life—not without considerable happiness in his career and marriage—and earned the acceptance and respect of society. But the embers of unfulfilled desires ignited. His hunger for intimate male companionship was only partially appeased by uninhibited fantasizing and frequent masturbation. The long-suppressed hunger intensified. Satisfying that need was impossible so he continued down the straight and narrow road that he had chosen many long years ago.
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Many more years later, he grudgingly accepted the unpleasant fact that he would never experience gay sex. Although he managed to maintain a fit physique, he recognized that his age made him less attractive to other men. He was, after all, a grandfather. In addition, the reputation he had so successfully worked to earn would likely be shattered. In spite of society's gradually increasing tolerance toward gay men, the environment was still quite toxic for homosexuals, especially in Utah. Far more significant in his thinking was that abandoning his wife for another man would cause severe pain to his children whom he loved dearly.
Two of his children were happily married and parents of adorable children. The third, the youngest, was a twenty three year old bachelor living in Chicago. Steve was returning from a business trip to New York and was to change planes in Chicago but the connecting flight was cancelled. The next available flight was at ten the next morning. Steve decided to use the time to visit with his son, Gary. He phoned repeatedly but got a voice mail. Trusting luck, he took a cab to Gary's address, hoping that by the time he got there his son would be home from work. It was not a "Glad to see you" welcome. A complete stranger opened the door.
"Sorry," Steve said. "I thought Gary Randolph lived here."
"He does," the stranger said. "Who wants to see him?"
"I'm his dad. I got stuck in Chicago by a snafu in my plane connections. I tried to call him but couldn't reach him. So I decided to take a chance on coming here from the airport for a short visit."
"Come in, Mr. Randolph. Gary's due home any time now. In fact, he's a little later than usual. Probably another long meeting at work."
They settled into the living room and chatted until Steve couldn't resist saying, "Gary never told me he had a room mate so I don't even know your name." Steve wondered if the stranger's sudden change of expression revealed worry.
"Tom Andrews. I apologize for not introducing myself." He then paused to think of an explanation for Gary's not mentioning his new living arrangement. "Perhaps the reason he didn't mention me is that I moved in here only last month."
"You're probably right," Steve said while suspecting it was a lame deception.
"If you'll excuse me for a little while, I have a casserole in the oven. I should take it out before it burns."
Just then, the front door opened and Gary walked in calling, "Hey, luv! I'm home. I'm hungry for dinner and hungry for you." He went immediately to the kitchen without noticing Steve in the living room.
Tom began to reply, "There's a big surprise..."
Gary interrupted by saying, "I hope it has to do with the bedroom."
"NO!" Tom said. "Your father is here. In the living room."
"Shit!" Gary murmured almost inaudibly.
"Go in and greet him. I'll finish fixing dinner."
Gary inhaled sharply and tried to prepare himself for what would surely be an unpleasant confession. "Hey, Dad," he called as cheerily as he could when he walked into the living room. "It's great to see you."
"Good to see you, too, Son." He proceeded to apologize for the unannounced visit and explain what brought it about. Gary listened but was perceptively nervous.
Gary mustered his courage and said, "I suppose the cat's out of the bag so I might as well be honest. Tom and I are lovers. Yes, you have a gay son. I only hope that you can accept that and won't be ashamed of me. I was planning on telling you eventually but wanted to prepare myself for your reaction before saying anything."
"Ashamed?" Steve responded. "Nothing could be further from the truth. I loved you as a child. I loved you as a teenager. I love you now. I'll always love you. The only thing that's important is your happiness."
Gary was dumbstruck by his father's reaction but managed to say, "But...you're straight as an arrow. You loved Mom and took such pride in having grandchildren."
"That's true," Steve replied and then paused to assess the consequences of what he wanted to add. "Well...half true. I've lived a straight life."
Gary puzzled over the half true' part and the thoughtful pause that preceded it. He suspected the highly unlikely but had to confirm it. "What do you mean by half true'? Does that mean that...." He couldn't finish by implying that his presumably heterosexual father was a closet gay.
"It means what I think you think it means," Steve said with a smile born of relief at finally, after decades of secrecy, revealing what had been painstakingly buried in his being. "It means that I'm attracted to men. It means that I've lived a lie all my life. All for the sake of `fitting in' with society. But society has changed, hasn't it? Gays are still discriminated against but there's been a gradual growth of tolerance. I guess I was born thirty years too soon. If I were your age today and single, I would do exactly what you've done."
Tom, having heard the conversation and its abrupt end, walked in from the kitchen to find Gary and Steve in a tight embrace. Both had been crying.
The three men talked and laughed throughout dinner and well into the evening. Nearing midnight, Steve said, "I have some advice for the two of you. It's something I recently read in a magazine. There are two silly rules you should ignore. The first is: don't go to bed angry. Everyone argues from time to time but wait to settle your differences when emotions calm down and you're both ready to talk. I think the second myth is more important to ignore: you can resolve all your differences. That's nonsense. Your partner will inevitably have a set of problems that you'll be coping with for ten, twenty, or fifty years. Accept them. Don't try to `fix' each other. And let me add a rule you should never to ignore. Cherish your love for each other. Constantly. Don't let it wither for lack of nourishment."
Tom said to Gary, "I can see why you're so proud of your dad. He's top notch."
Steve appreciated the comment but didn't give a response. Instead, he said, "It's late. I should leave you two alone before I totally wear out my welcome."
Both Gary and Tom objected, encouraging him to stay the night but Steve was firm in his decision. As Steve left, Gary grabbed him in another tight hug. Steve said to Tom, "Come here. Join us. You're part of the family now.
THE END