CHOICES
CHAPTER 2, Version A (You chose: Steve will remain a virgin)
By the middle of Steve's sophomore year he had become accustomed to the culture that was alien to that of his formative years living on a farm in Utah. His comfort level allowed his basic nature to re-emerge and the fantasies of intimate contact with a man to gradually return—usually as he showered or wearily fell into bed for a night's sleep. Circumstances permitting, the fantasies led to masturbation. Because of the values that had been ingrained into him—not the least of which was the depravity of what was euphemistically called self- abuse—the thrill of his climax was followed by regret and self- castigation.
Still, the fantasies returned regularly. In spite of recurrent promises to himself to refrain from what he still believed to be an immoral act, he routinely broke the promise when the urge to masturbate overcame his resolve. He tried to console himself with the rationale that masturbation was not nearly as sinful as homosexual contact with another man. He compared the situations to the difference between privately hating someone and maliciously slandering him; it was the difference between a victimless transgression and harming another person. In moments of mental clarity he recognized that he was deluding himself and that a sin is a sin. But, he ruefully acknowledged, the sensual rewards of masturbation were worth the risk of mild (he hoped) punishment for a trivial transgression. That process of rationalization freed him to more fully enjoy the electric sensations of orgasm. Significantly, his thinking evolved into considering yielding to his desire to share pleasures of the flesh with another man. But he promptly dismissed the idea because it seemed impossible to find another student with similar cravings. Therefore, he concluded, the road he had chosen offered no chance for the pleasures he yearned for. Moreover, the other road was sure to be full of malevolent people sneering epithets like Queer! Fag! Homo! Sinner! In addition to the persecution, yielding to his abnormal desires would lead him far from family and his faith.
But his faith was increasingly fragile. While attending college in New York City Steve was exposed to a wide variety of value systems, life styles, and religious beliefs. He tried to reconcile what he had been taught by his family and his church with the astonishing diversity in religious principles and practices. Was there but one "true" religion? Was the one he followed any better than others? Was there one God or several as the ancient Egyptians, Romans, and Norse believed? It would take a long time but Steve gradually migrated from devout Christian toward agnosticism when he couldn't answer the question: Did God create man or did man create God(s)? The growing doubt about a Creator and suspicion about the validity of religious dogma—including that of his own church—was a source of considerable distress. While his doubts seemed to undermine the legitimacy of a prohibition on homosexuality, there remained the overwhelming condemnation of the practice in current, secular society. The inescapable conclusion was that his homosexual thoughts must never be acted upon or he would pay a terrible price: estrangement from his family and jeopardy to his career.
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It was Christmas in 1958. Steve took a Greyhound bus across country to visit his family between semesters of his junior year. To pay for the trip, he worked in a department store in a small town ten miles from his parents' farm. There he met Linda, an attractive, vivacious high school senior and immediately liked her. As well as liking Steve, she was awed by meeting a college frat boy from back east. Although he had dated only twice in high school and once in college (not enjoying the dates but hoping to burnish his image as a "normal" young man), he asked Linda out for New Year's Eve. He was surprised that she didn't already have a date and accepted. If nothing else, Steve thought, going out on a date would reassure his parents and friends that he was "normal." Chances were that he would not see Linda again.
He was wrong. Occasional letters—all very "newsy"—over the next few months seemed to deepen the bond of friendship. It was inevitable, therefore, that the two young friends would see each other frequently through the following summer.
A second life-changing decision confronted Steve that summer but he failed to recognize its significance at the time. Driven by dual forces of hormones and a compelling need to extinguish his shameful homosexuality, he made a choice. The result was a pregnancy and, because abortion was abhorrent in the community, marriage.
Steve was one of only three in the entire college student body of two thousand who was married and in April became the only father. Although it was difficult to support a family while paying school expenses, Steve consoled himself that he had finally overcome his "unnatural" yearnings. But the road was an arduous one. His parents' distress over his premarital sex combined pain and anger. It was not as devastating to them as it would have been if they learned he was homosexual but it was nevertheless traumatic. He had alienated his family and violated his religion's standards.
The road he had inadvisably taken by having unprotected sex was not without its pleasures. Heterosexual intercourse was surprisingly gratifying. He achieved his goal of a college degree. He enjoyed his roles of husband and father. Also on the plus side of the ledger was a growing conviction that he had conquered his "deviant" homosexuality.
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Five years and two more children later, Steve was a casualty of another's decision: divorce.
He lived alone for a year and a half except on weekends when he delighted in the company of his three young children.
Often during the lonely weekdays, Steve's thoughts reverted to his attraction to men. He reasoned that during the week he had an opportunity to satisfy his need. But a trio of forces kept him on the road of total abstinence and concealing his reawakened urges. Foremost was the potent need to retain the respect and love of his still impressionable children. Respect of his colleagues at work was also influential. Finally, there was the massive problem of finding another man with similar interests. No doubt they were out there but they were all concealing their sexuality for similar reasons. He couldn't know who they were any more than they could know what he wanted.
Reconciliation with and re-marriage to Linda united the family. It was Linda who persuaded Steve to agree to the marriage. He agreed in spite of speculating, without convincing evidence, that the divorce was due to her infatuation with another man but the new relationship soon soured. The compelling reason was that he welcomed the chance to be a full-time father and provide his children with a more stable home life. In addition, he would be able to have sexual partner other than his fist. For a long time in a loveless but cordial marriage, the frequent gratification of his carnal needs reduced his homoerotic fantasies. But they still haunted him from time to time.
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His children grew up and moved out. The empty nest could have been a welcome relief and it was ... except for the gradual diminishing of conjugal coupling that led to separate bedrooms. Sex became no more than a memory and the homoerotic fantasies resurfaced. Still, for family and career reasons, he maintained the façade of a straight, respectable citizen. Many years later, public opinion would become more accepting of gays but Steve was living in an environment that was exceptionally toxic for homosexuals.
Frequent business trips left Steve in a hotel room evenings and overnight for prolonged periods. Alone with the television in his room was not enjoyable. He was never one to easily meet strangers and socialize in a bar. But the solitude of a hotel room seemed to fuel his fantasies and he found relief by masturbating. Unlike when he was younger and controlled by his religion's teaching, however, he never felt regret, guilt, or shame in the erotic pleasure of masturbation.
On one trip to a foreign country, his client asked if he would like company in the evenings. Steve asked for clarification. "You know. A beautiful young lady who knows how to entertain a man," the executive said with a sly grin and a wink. Steve declined but later wondered whether he might have dared to ask for a male companion. No! The risks of that would have been much too great.
End of Chapter 2, Version A
Will Steve's fidelity to his marriage vows continue? Or will he seek and find what he has always yearned for? Now you, the reader, must make a choice. How do you want the story to end?
If you think Steve will remain in the closet and take comfort in his family and a successful career read Chapter 3-A-1
If you think Steve will find the opportunity and courage to engage in sex with a man read Chapter 3-A-2 ___________________________________