Warning: This story STILL does not contain explicit sex, but it may contain scenes of burgeoning young attraction that some may find offensive. Your discretion is advised.--Ev
Chasing Tyler Part IV: That Thing with Feathers Perched in the Soul --Evan Dane
"Am I on crack? No, wait; I needed a hallucinogenic substance...psilocybin or mushrooms. Am I on mushrooms?" Tyler sat bemused as the wind rushed through his hair. He peeked again out of the corner of his eyes to verify that he was indeed sitting net to Philip and that they were going off on a date.
"Date." The word echoed in his mind hollowly. Would his parents flip out? Would his little brother still admire him? "Will you still love me tomorrow?" The refrain echoed suddenly in his mind.
"Date." As he tasted the word, wrapped his mind around it, he found it was actually becoming more palatable. Even exhilarating. He was on a date with an intelligent and charming young man.
"What are you thinking about?" Philip asked, glancing quickly at Tyler to meet his eyes before concentrating again on the road. He stretched out his right hand and tentatively rested it on Tyler's thigh.
A little tense at first, Tyler reached down slowly and clasped Philip's right with his left. It was warm and firm. He marveled at its light covering of fine blonde hairs, shining a tawny gold in the fading light. Looking up into Philip's anxious eyes, Tyler smiled and kissed the back of the hand. "Nothing much. Just how much of a dream come true this is."
"Aw, shucks. You're going to make me blush," Philip said, but his grin belied his modest words. "You're pretty wonderful yourself."
"Um, did we just miss the turn for Crestview?"
"Yes, we didn't turn, but don't worry; we're going to Lakewood."
"Cool."
Crestview was a grand park in the tradition of London's Regent's Park; a big sprawling campus with beautiful fountains, an acre of flower beds, a grandstand with a mini food court, and a lake replete with carp and ducks. Plenty of bushes and small wooded copses created secluded areas popular with local couples, but Tyler had always thought it lacked a certain soul. Plus the pooping ducks and swan left their little gifts everywhere.
Lakewood was not a garden or showy park so much as it was a nature preserve on the shores of Lake Wellington. It still had its share of ducks, but fewer frequented the park since nature lovers for the most part tended to respect the rules prohibiting feeding them (while feeding the showy swans at Crestview was actually funded in part by the county).
As Tyler absently ran through these comparisons in his mind, Philip had time to turn off into the park, drive about a mile in, and stop at an old oak.
"Tada!" Philip gave a grand flourish.
"Yay?" Tyler feigned enthusiasm uncertainly. All he could see was a wall of trees and no obvious clearing at which they could have their picnic.
"Ah, patience, grasshopper," Philip said with a wink as he stepped out of the car. "Let's get the stuff out of the trunk and then all will be made clear."
Pulling an actual wicker-y picnic basket out of the trunk, Philip crooked his arm invitingly, and Tyler, smiling, slid his own arm in. As they neared the woods, Tyler began to see a break in the trees that had been invisible from the road. Catching Tyler's eye and making exaggeratedly large steps, Philip pantomimed to Tyler that he should walk carefully. Just about seven yards down the root-strewn path was a patch of flat ground on the edge of the lake.
Philip pulled out a blue and white checkered cloth and spread it out on the grass. He rummaged around in the basket as Tyler took in the surroundings. Their clearing was about a nine foot tall trapezoidal zone of grass surrounded on three sides by the woods and by the lakefront. Tiny blue-white flowers peeked out from the grass and leaf-littered ground. The lake itself was serene and glassy, echoing the green forest and sky on its surface. Only the sight of a few ducks and the chittering of birds in the trees above served to remind that there was anything else alive in the world.
"So how do you like it?" Philip asked shyly, breaking the minutes of silence.
"It's...wow. It's just really neat. Thank you for bringing me here. How did you ever find this place? I couldn't even see the path to it until we were almost in it."
"Well, that's because I found it from the lake-side. My sister and I were paddling back from the island, and I made her stop at this spot. That bush over there has some awesome purple flowers in mid-summer."
"I thought there was no canoeing or swimming in the lake. Isn't it poisoned or something?"
"Well, there used to be some industrial run-off from the factories on the hill that killed off a lot of the wildlife in the area when the fish went. When this area was turned into a preserve and the lake was re-seeded with fish, the area really came back together. The hyacinth farm off the island helped to pull a lot of the crap out of the water. About six years ago the lake was ruled safe, but it was polluted for so long, people still don't like to use it.
"Boats aren't allowed on the lake most of the year, but my sister's with the Parks Department, so she takes me out to the island with her to check up on the Wellington loon population. They're an endangered species, so no boating until they've gone south to winter, but by then there's only a few weeks before the lakes freezes, so most people don't even bother anymore."
Tyler heard Philip's explanation on one level, but he was also watching the light in his eyes and the way his eyes glowed as he talked about a subject obviously close to his heart. It was cute in a tree-hugging optimistic sort of way.
Deciding to make use of the blanket, Tyler lay down on his side, one arm propped up to support his head. Philip noticed his movement and turned smiling. Tyler briefly mourned the loss of the lines and curves of his profile, but was rewarded when Philip stretched himself out and spooned himself behind him.
"A guy could get used to this," Tyler sighed, content.
"That's nice for the guy, but I'd rather know if you, specifically, could get used to this."
Tyler thumped a shoulder back into Philip for his bad joke and sighed inaudibly again. Closing his eyes, he lost himself in the feeling of the warmth at his back, the faint stirring of hairs at the back of his neck from Philip's breath, the sensation of knowing he was with a great guy he longed to know more about. He wasn't sure if he dozed off, but he was surprised to find, when he opened his eyes, that Philip had one arm slung over onto his chest where his fingers stroked lightly at his shirt. He watched the graceful, supple lines of the fingers as their feathery strokes brushed him softly as if strumming a guitar.
"So how 'bout some dinner, hm?" Philip asked quietly. "We'll lose the light in an hour."
Tyler groaned theatrically, but nodded. "So what is for dinner?"
"Why don't you have a look?"
Tyler turned and found that he must have napped for a few minutes because spread out on the rest of the blanket was a miniature feast: four types of sandwiches, some cold chicken breast, a bowl of salad, a plate of assorted cheeses and crackers, a few bags of chips, colas, and two thermoses. In addition to the setting sun, two candles burned merrily in the midst of the plates of food and two crossed tiki torches stood just off the blanket.
"Are you just really hungry," Tyler wondered. "Or do I look like I eat a lot? No, wait. Sorry. I didn't mean to make a joke. When I get nervous, I make jokes."
"That's all right. Well, I didn't know what you liked to eat and I didn't want you to starve, so I packed some peanut butter and jelly, turkey, tuna, and chicken salad sandwiches. Then I didn't want you to go thirsty so I raided our pantry and dug out lots of sodas, and then made up some coffee and tea. Damn! I forgot to bring water."
"That's quite all right. I'll be fine with a 7-Up. Toss me a turkey sandwich, too, please."
"Ty, when did you first know? That you were gay, I mean," asked Philip as he underhanded a wrapped turkey to Tyler.
"And here I thought you were going to tell me sweet nothings about my eyes," Tyler laughed before his eyes unfocused in thought. "I guess I've known since I was a little kid. Maybe 9 years old in the fourth grade? Well, that's not quite true. I knew I was different, but I didn't have name for it yet. Gay was just a thing you didn't want to be back then; I'm pretty sure even the bullies that used it to brand us littler ones knew exactly what it meant. But I knew I couldn't be gay because that was a bad thing everyone made fun of. No, I was just a little different. My mom tried calling it special, but kids were quick to twist that into 'special ed." so you couldn't use that term either...
"We were required to start showering that year after PE, but I was always too shy to ever take a good look at other guys. I don't think I gave into that urge to compare until a few years later. By then, I had learned through various whispered confidences that gay meant to suck other guys' dicks, but that still was not me. I had defined myself as smart and curious, that's all.
Tyler sipped absently at his soda. "I guess I first started wondering if the term applied to me in maybe the tenth grade. I found guys really attractive not just in the locker room but outside of it as well. After breaching the subject to myself late at night once, I managed to convince myself that I was just confused since I had gone to an all-boys school for so long. I was in my horny adolescent phase, so even guys were looking good. I had gone out with, um, three girls by that time, one of them for four months, but they never really took off beyond kissing and holding hands. Sex was not a real issue at the time since I was in the throes of the saving-oneself-for-marriage-piety kick. The right girl would come along someday and knock my socks off.
"I got really involved in school and clubs at that point--I ran for and won the class presidency and I joined the volleyball team and the Key Club--so the questions of sex sort of dried up because I really didn't have time for relationships. It only sort of bothered me when I asked a girl out for one-time only events like the prom, winter formal, or spring fling. I just told myself I was gunning for a good college with my activities and stuff and I'd have plenty of time for women in college.
"Then when I got here, I had all this free time on my hands. We don't have a guys volleyball team--and I am kind of short for Division 1 anyway--and I had enough in scholarships that my parents were able to cover the rest and allow me to concentrate on my studies without need for a job. I joined a lot of clubs and studied my butt off, but I still had a lot of time to think. I came to admit that I didn't just like guys' bodies. I liked their companionship and physicality, and I could all too easily imagine myself touching one in a sexual manner. But I still couldn't be gay because gays were bad things.
"I was amazed to find the Internet housed things like journals and stories that detailed young people just like me struggling with gay feelings against conscience and beliefs. Gays weren't just dirty pedophiles or perverts seeking quick sex in dark public bathrooms; gay meant loving guys and I could do that. All the other locker-room scuttlebutt was just prejudice and misinformation. I admitted to myself that I was gay, but I still didn't tell anyone." Tyler noted that the sun was considerably lower in the sky just above the horizon. "Jeez, sorry for rambling on like that. I guess taking that step beyond admitting and actually acting on my feelings today has had me thinking about this whole situation. It was all fresh in my mind when you asked... Are you sure this is a date and not a therapy session?"
Philip shrugged. "Well, something's been on your mind today so I thought that I'd try to tease it out. I'm not a psych major, but I am a pretty good listener."
"So what's your story?"
"Mine? I didn't have your luxury of time to adjust to what I am. I knew, like you, that something was different pretty early. I came to my final conclusion a lot earlier though, and by the eleventh grade I told a good friend in a meandering way that I thought I was gay. He did not take it well at all. In a few days, I was suddenly out to most everyone, and I was also out a friend."
"Are you going to be okay?" Tyler asked softly, placing a hand on Philip's arm to give it a squeeze.
"Yeah," Philip squeezed out the tear that had been threatening to fall for a bit and let it roll down his face. "It was a few years ago, but it still hurts. Actually, I was surprised that most of my friends didn't change and only the school jerks teased me about it any. I guess since it's the nineties and all."
"Well, now that I've thoroughly ruined our date and wasted an hour of light, why don't we finish up here? Then we can sing some happy-happy songs and forget our troubles. Hm, you know, people that don't drink or do drugs need to find an equivalent way of saying 'drown your sorrows,'" Tyler grinned.
"Nah, you haven't ruined it. It's just different. Besides, I was the bright guy that asked about your coming out. And you really don't drink?"
"Not any more," Tyler vowed grimly.
"Well, okay, but we cannot go until you've tried some of my cake-lets," Philip drew two more surprises out of the seemingly endless cornucopia that was the woven picnic basket.
"Huh. These look like cupcakes, but, um, squatter. How'd you make them?"
"Why in my Easybake oven, of course! Every guy wanted one; I just demanded one often enough to get one," Philip smiled. "Just joshing you, actually. My mom's into all those cooking gadgets you see on television, so our kitchen and pantry are chock full of cookbooks, grill-o-somethings, dehydrotenators that double as apple corers. Add weird appliances to a natural inquisitive latch-key kid who had a lot of time and, presto, you have Super Cookin' Kid! Nightly cook of the Torrence family and inventor of the apple tortettes in cupcake cups!"
Sharing a companionable grin, the two sat on the shores of the lake, watching a V formation of ducks crisscross the orang-ing sky and eating their tortettes.
Desert done and sky gray, they packed up their picnic with obvious reluctance, quenching the torches and candles at the very end. As dishes and food items were packed away, their fingers tended to brush almost as if by accident, if it hadn't happened every minute or two. The short walk through the woods was also accompanied by slight jostlings that could have been caused by tripping over roots in poor light but had a very friendly and playful quality to them.
The car ride was quiet, but not eerily so. They had shared a bit more than either had anticipated, but they seemed the closer for it. They met each others' eyes every so often and smiled. Tyler broke the silence first as he saw they were nearing his dorm and the official end of the night.
"So since our date's already been unusual, I guess I won't ruin it by asking you about the identity of this foxy platinum blonde girl I saw you with at lunch a while back. She was all over you." The image still bothered him, and he felt he needed some kind of reassurance.
"Huh? Aw, are you jealous, Ty? That's kind of sweet. That's just Ang. Angie Columbus. We're just friends, and she was raised in a really affectionate family."
"So you're not bi or anything?" Tyler persisted. Philip had not looked at him throughout the explanation, so Tyler could not read the sincerity he usually liked to see in others' eyes.
Philip grinned. "Bi, gay, straight, those're all just labels, dude. Kinsey says most people are in-between gay and straight with only a few at the extremes. I am pretty solidly on the gay side, but I'm not about to say that I don't find certain women attractive. Can you honestly say that all women are value neutral to you?"
"No, I can't," Tyler said slowly. Philip's answer was far from unequivocal, but something about the logic was really unromantic. Shouldn't Philip be reassuring him that there was no one else in his life as he gazed into his eyes with starstruck adoration? Isn't that what the movies said should happen? Tyler inwardly laughed then at his romantic flight of fancy and squashed the jealous and suspicious thoughts as being unworthy. Life was not a romantic movie, but it also wasn't a soap opera.
Philip pulled up in front of the dorm and let the car idle. Neither wanted the night to end just yet, so they sat in that sweet awkwardness with the post-first date jitters.
"Do you want to come up for a while?" Tyler offered shyly.
"Tempting, cutie, but not on a first date," Philip grinned. He leaned in to kiss Tyler on the cheek and whispered, "Actually I'm not sure I could control myself, so don't tempt me. I want to keep up my stature in your lovely eyes."
Tyler shivered at the thought and turned to Philip to give him a soft kiss on the lips. "Well, if you're sure?" He waggled his eyebrows invitingly.
"Get you gone, scamp! You're testing my willpower here," Philip moaned and pushed Tyler gently out the car door.
As Tyler watched the car drive away, Philip's arm shot out his window and waved back at him. Tyler waved back though he hoped Philip had his eyes on the road. Although the night was still nicely warm, he shivered again wondering whether he should have pressed his advantage and asked Philip to stay, what might have happened to his 21 year streak of virginity, and if he really would have been sad if he had not waited for marriage as he had once fondly imagined.
Part IV somehow made it on time, but Part V will not be so lucky. Peek at my website message board for any updates.
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