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Personal Disclaimer: This isn't my first time with this kind of writing, and far from my first time writing in general. I want to learn and improve, so please give feedback in its most candid form. Send questions, comments, concerns, criticism, and even ideas if you wish to derfgh12@gmail.com. Thank you for reading!
Chapter 1
Cid wasn't blood, but he was family nonetheless. That much was established when he first walked in the door.
"Hi honey," dad said, kissing my mother as he held the door open for Cid to follow. "Vicky, this is Cid, my coworker."
Cid took mom's hand in his and kissed it with a wink, making her blush and giggle like a school girl as he did.
"Sorry to barge in on your home like this," he said in his gruff voice, "your husband just picked up a stray without dinner plans for the night and thought to share his."
"Oh, it's no trouble," mom replied in her polite candor, shifting her eyebrows at dad, "rather I'd blame my husband for not letting me know sooner, I would've at least dressed for the occasion!"
Cid laughed, "oh stop it, you're radiant!"
Mom insisted in her polite banter, "and I only made some pasta."
"A meal for kings to a man with cheerios waiting for him back home!" Cid chimed, and everyone laughed.
Even me, in the corner where I was listening in.
"Honey!" exclaimed mom, "don't be rude, and introduce yourself!"
I came out and waved nervously.
Cid shined that smile of his, and held out his hand.
"Hey sport!"
That was fifteen years past, yet that day flashed before me like I had just lived through it again, live, in the ten seconds I had before Cid came within arm's length.
I took his hand, and instantly he pulled me into his signature bear hug.
"It's been too long!" he exclaimed, kissing my cheek, tightening his hug.
I could have melted into him in that moment. For reasons I wasn't quite ready to confront, I loved this man more than I could understand, and I let myself hug him longer than I should have.
Eventually he broke away and started the expected conversation. As he spoke, my eyes took stock of every feature he had that struck me with how handsome I thought he was.
"Well let's see," he said, putting a finger to his chin and making his best, quiz master's face, "two years it's been, yeah? And what... maybe THREE letters in that time?"
I rubbed the back of my head sheepishly as I looked down. He'd just been swimming in his usual speedos, and it took everything from me not to stare straight at the hammock. Instead I focused on the many hiking-related scars he had on his thick, hairy legs.
"That's work, right? Keeps you busy."
"Uh-huh," he replied mockingly, "right, `work' keeping you busy."
I looked up to see he had a devil's grin as he said that. The hair around his mouth had gotten grayer, and was at a prickly length. His head of hair was still more light brown than gray, but was so short that the light was starting to catch it differently with the angles. It was to the point that he could pull off the look of a young buck or a tried-and-true bronco in the space of a light switched on or off.
"Honest to God! No nonsense for me, just making ends meet!"
He shrugged, "not even a little distraction? No group work with sexy coworkers after a hot, sweaty summer's day? And what about the gym, no tumbles with the gym rats lurking in the showers?"
He bit his tongue at me as he said that, and I laughed as I stared at his pectoral muscles, far more defined than I'd ever seen them. Every detail I drank in made it more and more unbearably evident: Cid had hit his prime.
"One or two, maybe," I joked back, daring a quick jab at his right pec, "but they don't hold a candle to you, Cid. Damn! What have you been doing?"
"Oh, you know, keeping the heart healthy and all that. Man's getting old!"
He crossed his arms and flexed them as he did. This time, I stared unabashed, picking up on what he was doing as I watched him flex his big, hairy arms at me.
"Know what else is getting old? You showing off."
I shoved him, and he laughed again.
"Alright, alright, let's take this inside so I can get decent and grill you all proper-like. You won't have to see my old ass anymore."
He frowned comically as he said that, and turned towards the cabin. I'd all but forgotten we were standing in a lakeside forest clearing, behind a cabin secluded miles away from the next.
We were both completely alone, and I was mentally preparing to do something I'd been...
"Leo?"
I felt a jolt run down my spine as he called for me.
"You... CAN come in too, if you'd like?" he called out with a laugh.
I followed him inside, where he began to treat me to the usual accommodation.
"I'm gonna go change out of these, help yourself to the beer and make yourself at home and... you know the rest."
I nodded as he disappeared behind a corner moments after I caught one last glimpse at his thinly-concealed ass. My heart started pounding; it was as if I was suddenly getting ready to do something illegal, yet all the prep I did was fish a Heineken from the fridge, move into the den, and set it on a coaster without even opening it. I sat on the plush couch, and waited.
I looked around at all the furnishings of the place, a real "man's man" of a space Cid had built himself out here in the Colorado Mountains. Everything about the place and everything about the man – the body, the gruff voice, the hobbies – screamed of masculinity and heterosexuality. Hell, the fact he fucking BUILT the damn place over the grand majority of his life had to be among the highest of alpha-male feats achievable. You'd think the man would be starring in a rough-and-tumble film alongside a prudish business woman who finds love in the last place she'd expect, out in the mountains.
Yet it turned out the man was gay, and not even a Sparks piece of fiction could work around that.
I knew little about the man, but what little I knew, it involved young men and heartbreak. Before I knew it, I'd opened the beer and was not drinking so much as swallowing the stuff. Inevitably, I was filling up on liquid courage before I made a mess of everything.
I suddenly heard the shower start to run, and realized I had more time to myself than anticipated. In fact, I almost thought... maybe then. Maybe that was my shot. I could just walk in there right then and there... No.
I'd half-stood from the couch as I thought on it a second too long. I sighed, and stood a second time, heading this time for the fridge. I tossed the empty bottle into the recycling bin as I opened the fridge and took out two more bottles. I opened one and began to drink, setting the other down on the coaster back in the den. I swallowed half the contents of my second beer by the time I sat back down.
The shower turned off, and in my buzz, I pretended it was a bell ringing to signal the start of a boxing round. I made myself laugh at the thought; I was ready for a fight.
Cid came in rubbing a towel on his fuzzy head.
"Aaahh," he sighed, "sorry about that, lake's kind of scummy today."
Cid tossed the towel casually on the far loveseat and plopped down right next to me, his arm falling behind me. I leaned over and grabbed the spare bottle, popping off the cap.
"Oh, thank you," he said as I handed it over. I clinked his bottle with mine.
"To some down time," I said.
He raised the bottle and nodded as he both took a swig.
I sat back, and felt the hairs on my neck spark to life as they touched his arm. I let myself relax into the elbow of his arm, and he replied by bending it, and gripping my shoulder firmly. He took another swig, and said nothing for a long time as his hand idly rubbed my shoulder. The affection had its effects on me, to say the least, though it didn't make my heart race with anticipation; he'd shown me that kind of affection all my life. He'd always been close, always a hugger, always a hair-tussle, and the familial greeting and departure kiss on the cheek. They were all completely harmless, all fatherly.
But I had a father already... I wanted... I needed something else. More.
"Still doing the Master's?" he asked suddenly.
I took a swig.
"Last time I checked," I replied.
He chuckled, and took a swig.
"Better not fall behind, those loans ain't cheap."
I scoffed, and another swig. A pause.
"What do you think the work's for?"
He swigged, he chuckled.
"When you graduate?"
Swig.
"Next May, if all goes well."
Swig...
"Working on the thesis?"
Swig, and a nod.
"How long's it gotta be?" he asked.
I held up my index finger to him and raised an eyebrow as I made a show of downing the rest of my beer. He laughed as I finished, hiccupped, raised my eyebrows.
"One hundred and twenty pages."
He reacted the way most do when you tell them that, pulling his head to the side with eyes shut, belting out a hybrid between a pained groan and a sympathetic laugh. He shook his beer at me.
"I'd better get you another!"
I smiled as I watched him head for the kitchen. My laugh had been genuine, my laugh hearty, and as I watched him disappear, my frown was just as true.
What am I doing?
Doubt crept in.
"Here you are, sport."
I hadn't noticed when he returned.
"Sport?"
I blinked up at him, and took a good long moment to notice the beer inches from my face. I took it as he chuckled and moved next to me.
"You alright?"
I said nothing, my eyes straight forward. There was a fireplace, and in it a fire. I hadn't noticed that before. Why hadn't I noticed that before?
"Leo?"
With eyebrows furrowed, Cid followed my gaze and his eyes fell into the fire. He relaxed into the couch and took a long swig as he did. The silence felt thick with expectation, made worse as I remained there, sitting forward awkwardly as he watched me. I could feel his eyes. Whatever I had plotted was long lost to me.
"How's your sex life?"
I couldn't help but glance at him in surprise, but I pulled my eyes away again.
"You asked that already" I said, eyes set into the fire again.
I noted that he didn't chuckle in the pause before he responded.
"You know how I mean, Leo."
I shrugged.
"It's fine. Yours?"
Again, no chuckle. The silent pause was unbearably long before he leaned forward, matching my pose, and leaned closer.
"Are you being safe?"
I hesitated too long before nodding weakly.
"You sure?"
"Cid..." I started with complaint in my tone.
"I know, I'm prying, but you have to understand-"
"You lived through the eighties," I cut him off. "I know."
"I wasn't going to say that."
I went to respond, but just sighed. His eyebrows were furrowed again, and he nudged me ever so lightly.
"What's wrong?"
I chose my words carefully, not wanting to say them too harsh or too naively. I wanted him to know that I knew what I was talking about. I needed him to know I wasn't new to this.
"I had a scare. Someone I thought I could trust lied to me, and I was exposed, and I've been testing since, coming back negative, but..."
I trailed off, losing my place. I instantly became frustrated. I hadn't worded that correctly at all. In fact, I hadn't intended to talk about that. Any of it. Why was this happening?
"But I learned you just can't trust anyone."
I stood up suddenly, but he reflexively caught me by the hand.
"Hey!"
We locked eyes. His were full of concern... and hurt.
"Hey, come on," he urged, pulling me down.
I sat back down, facing him. And suddenly, a wave of lust washed over me. I had no control over it as it numbed me in the most erotic way. If I had wanted to push it back, I wouldn't have been able to.
"At least you've got me," he offered, chuckling.
His eyes were so green... or brown. I couldn't tell. He was smiling, and I leaned. His smile slowly frowned as his eyes followed my lips as they met his. I kissed him.
He responded in reflex to the first, closing his eyes and moving his lips in tandem to mine. I made a second, but his lips stayed still as he moaned in protest. I tried a third, but he drew in his breath, and gently drew back from me.
"Whoah... Leo."
He gently put his hands at my chest, pushing me back. He was so gentle. He didn't want to hurt me, I knew. But I didn't care, not now.
"Cid..." I whispered, grabbing his wrists.
He shook his head, eyes closed and eyebrows frowning with seriousness.
"Leo, you're drunk... and you're my..."
I cut him off.
"Your what?"
I looked right into his eyes, so hard that I forced him to meet my gaze. It disarmed him.
"Just... let me in," I said, immediately regretting the words.
Cid laughed nervously.
"Leo... I can't... we can't..."
I let go of his wrists and drew my hands to my forehead.
"No, stop... looking for words. Stop making ME look for words!"
Again I disarmed him. I let it out, brutally honest and genuine and without any bullshit romanticism or prudence or anything else I was supposed to be watching for.
"Fuck words. Kiss me."
I darted from one eye to the other quickly, waiting.
His lips quivered as he looked for an answer. A reason not to.
"Leo..." he whispered, frowning, eyebrows pinching. He was concerned, so very worried.
"No," I whispered, leaning in closer ever so much. "Just humor me..."
My forehead touched his chin, and I felt him gasp lightly. That's when I knew.
I had him. It was a foul thing, but it didn't matter now. I had him.
Everything I knew about this, about lust and sex, had led to this moment. Everything I'd learned about the little signs and signals I didn't know I could read, had led to this little gasp. Everything I learned about myself was on his lap, and I was making him want it there. I was using everything at my disposal to make him realize what he was about to get, and love the anticipation.
Everything I had planned in my head for so long, had jumped into his mind in that instant, and sealed his fate as I began to caress my face against his scratchy beard.
The hairs caressed down my cheek as I pressed mine to his. I exhaled in his ear as my body drew in closer, squirming over his as he shivered imperceptivity in response.
"Leo," he whispered in a long, throaty breath. Lustful, yet still unsure.
My other hand was pinched between our legs, and I made sure not to go near his crotch as I freed it. He wasn't ready for that. I knew if I went there too soon – if I advanced too quickly – he would spook, and revert to father-son mode. But he wasn't my father, and I wasn't his son. I'd been of age for a decade, and he was single. I knew what I was doing, and he HAD to know I wanted this with every fiber.
This wasn't wrong. It was the only thing right.
My lips met his, and I sucked on them hungrily, stealing a lustful kiss for everything his velvet lips were worth. He moaned in response, and his hands gently grabbed my arms as I opened my eyes, closed only for a moment as I enjoyed the kiss, now vigilant for his response. It was his turn now, to make his move. As he held me, unsure of whether to push or pull, I pulled my head back, barely an inch. His breath was shaky against my lips, but he didn't move.
My hands were on his thick arms, and I gripped them ever so slightly. Urging. He still didn't move; I ran my hands down his bare arms gently. Go on... you know what you want.
He leaned his head forward the space of a hair, but I felt it. I tilted my head to one side, and the same hand traveled up to his shoulder. I didn't dare to close my eyes the whole time, too romantic or desperate as it would seem. But I didn't dare lock eyes with his, as it would reignite the forum for protest. He'd see something in them – the kid he met that day so many years ago, wide-eyed and scared – and he would realize who he was kissing.
It was like moving through a maze of wires, any of which would reset all my progress. I had to maneuver through them with the agility I had practiced on so many before. On the last one, that bastard, slipping through me unexpectedly when he had no business being here. I didn't fault him for what he did, only for how he tried to apologize for HIS sake. He felt bad for not telling me, for going raw, and thought to release his demons by admitting this to me.
Cid gasped, and he had every right to, as I'd bitten him a little too hard. I sprang up, eyes wide, suddenly unaware of what I was doing.
It was like I'd awoken into my best imaginable dream, with Cid splayed on the couch beneath me, my legs at his sides, his lips wet with from mine, and his eyes. Good God, his eyes... I'd never seen them so full of lust... so penetrating into mine. And I just sat there, watching that lust fade.
All I could do was run a hand ever so lightly over his chest as he responded running his over my stomach, pushing my shirt up to reveal my firm, hairy belly. It sent sparks to the right places, but the response was only physical. My head was elsewhere, and he too was quickly disassociating from what was happening. His eyes examined me, and I could tell that he was now busy evaluating me. He hadn't seen me in so long, and hadn't thought to approve or disapprove of me in his taste. He hadn't evaluated me as a potential mate.
And now his hands drew the curtain back, and he could see my firm torso, feeling the hairs there for the first time. His other hand came to life as it began to squeeze my hardened thighs.
Suddenly, I felt myself slide off him and stand. As if watching a third person take over where I couldn't react at all anymore, I robotically leaned over and picked up my beer bottle with the tips of my middle and index. My eyes looked down at his chest, and my throat cleared.
"It's late," I said noncommittally.
I started walking, never making eye contact, and never giving enough time to think. To either of us.
I had already entered the bedroom and gone out of sight before I even began making coherent thoughts, though they were slurred together by the alcohol. In the space of a few moments, I'd wondered what I'd just done; I felt regret for possibly ruining my friendship with Cid; I felt annoyance over interrupting the dream come true; I felt guilt over focusing all this energy just into fucking the man I'd admired for so long; I felt anger for Dillon's barging into my mind the way he did; I felt confusion over it all, what Dillon had anything to do with anything, and what I was doing now, and what Cid was doing or thinking or going to do or think.
I'd collapsed into the bed sometime during my mental drag race. Not until I felt someone enter the room did I realize I hadn't actually asked which room was supposed to be mine. I suppose the giant king size bed would've tipped me off had I been more... stable.
But before I had a chance to consider what I should do to remedy my intrusion, I felt him crawl into the bed, and onto me.