Please don't read if you are offended by gay themes. The usual disclaimer applies.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Misha knew as soon as he got in the van to the airport the next morning that Nick and Brian had gotten into another fight. Nick had already left on an earlier flight, and Leighanne had her arm around Brian, who was leaning on her and looking like a little boy whose puppy had just gotten run over in front of him. He wore a hat scrunched down over his face and a button-down shirt with a white tee underneath over khakis. He looked like the world's sexiest Gap employee. "Sorry, I didn't mean to hold you guys up," Misha said. "Oh no," Leighanne said, checking her watch, "we're fine." But she tapped the driver and they were off. "I take it Nick wasn't too pleased that I'm coming with," Misha asked quietly, hoping that wasn't too intrusive a question. Brian snorted. "We didn't even talk about that." "Oh..." Misha looked over at Leighanne, who gave him a little shrug. "Do you really want to know?" Brian asked in a weary voice. "If you want to talk about it." "He's doing drugs again," Brian said quietly, glancing over at the driver. "I confronted him about it last night and I told him he's going to end up back in the hospital, and you know what he said?" Leighanne rolled her eyes and folded her arms. "What, Brian?" Misha asked politely. "He said, I know. What the hell kind of answer is that?" Misha glanced over at Leighanne. He was definitely understanding her irritation. He had no desire to spend the next two days talking about Nick's problems.
"Nick!" Aaron screamed from across the hotel lobby. He went racing out of the restaurant and into his big brother's arms. Although he had shot up several inches in the last two years, Aaron was still engulfed easily by his big-boned brother, who squeezed him affectionately and ruffled his hair. "Hey Air, long time no ass kick." Aaron punched his arm, "c'mon, come join us for lunch." "Mmm... food..." Nick widened his eyes and started walking over to the restaurant with his arms straight out in front of him. Aaron laughed. "You're still a doofus." "Fooood," Nick said again, before he dropped the arms and shot Aaron a little smirk. Being around Aaron was always fun; he felt like a kid again. Jane and Leslie gave Nick warm hugs before he sat down with them. They also had three bodyguards at the table next to theirs; you could never be too careful.
"You look tired, sweety," Jane said. "How have you been?" She shot him a meaningful look. "Oh, okay," Nick shrugged. "What's good here?" He picked up the menu. "Nothing, we're in England, remember?" Aaron grinned at Nick. "Spoiled little shit," Nick chuckled. "You two..." Leslie said in a patronising voice. "They can't help it, they're men," Jane smiled. "Hey, mom? Can you order me a coke and this beef sandwich thingie? I have to use the little boy's room." Jane nodded and watched Nick go off to find the facilities. He looked like he'd had a long night the night before. Nick splashed some cold water on his face and then looked around to make sure he was alone in the bathroom. He took two valiums with water from the tap and then went into one of the stalls to do some coke. Nick sat on the toilet and held his head in his hands, waiting for the rush to subside a little before going back out. He didn't want to act high in front of his family, but he couldn't stop himself from doing it. He felt as though he kept tumbling into deeper, darker and more jagged bouts of depression, and staving it off had become Nick's first priority. The tall blond made his way back to find that his drink had already been delivered. "Everything okay in there?" Aaron grinned at him. "Yeah," Nick laughed, "just had to fight off a couple of sharks, an electric eel... Portuguese Man o' War..." He sniffled and wiped his nose with the back of his hand, looking away guiltily when he noticed Jane watching him.
Dani was a little surprised that Howie and A.J. wanted to go immediately to a casino and start gambling after they arrived in Berlin, but she didn't mind too much. She ordered some food and just chilled out, watching the two of them lose money at an amazing rate. She went over to Howie when A.J. wandered off to get drinks. "It's cool that you two get along so well," Dani commented. "Yeah? Well, Bone and I have known each other forever. There's just like a comfort there. All of us are tight - or at least, we used to be - but with A.J., it's like, we don't have to ask what the other guy is thinking. We already know." "Misha and I have that sometimes." "You guys have known each other a long time?" "Well, we met up in college, at NYU. But we became best friends almost as soon as we met, and have been ever since. We just could talk about anything and everything." Howie smiled. "That's really cool, especially since it's a man and a woman. I mean... basically." Dani laughed. "Gay men can be really great. Of course, sometimes you want that 'sex thing' to get in the way..." They both laughed as A.J. joined them. Damn, Dani thought, I had another chance to ask about A.J. and I blew it! She felt like a CIA operative, infiltrating with casual chit-chat so that she could set herself up to probe later. It wasn't that she minded talking to Howie or Leighanne. But she wanted to know the score on A.J. What was he looking for?
"Fish and chips," Brian said. "Me too, please," Misha smiled, and they took their hot take-out food and went to sit on a park bench festooned with ancient pigeon droppings. Misha's lip curled but he sat down anyway. London was warm and muggy, and the bustling downtown felt a bit oppressive. "It's nice to be somewhere English speaking," Brian commented before biting into his food. "Now if only they would get the concept of ketchup with your fries." Misha was more concerned with the pigeons who were gathering around them, burbling and cooing as they stalked around aggressively. "Horrible things," Misha said. "A friend of mine once told me that they are basically the equivalent of flying rats. They live on garbage." Brian's head tilted to one side and his eyebrows shot up comically. "Never thought about it," he said. "There was one that plagued me my last year of college," Misha said. "Every fucking morning, at about five, it wanted to sit on my window ledge and serenade me. I swear to God, I was tempted to snap its neck and cook it for dinner." Brian laughed. "Sounds kinda rustic for New York." "New York wildlife consists of pigeons, cockroaches and crackheads," Misha nodded, taking a bite of the deep-fried fish. "You lived there all your life?" "Oh no... I grew up in a little town in Outer Buttfuck, Maine." "Interesting name," Brian's eyes twinkled at him.
"I fled to go to college and never looked back," Misha said after he finished laughing. "You said you're not too close with your family." "Nope," Misha said, concentrating on his food. "Brian, does your family know?" "Yeah. Nick and I kinda got busted a couple years ago." "Oh God," Misha laughed. "We were on tour and making a stop in Lexington, and Nick came with me to the ol' family homestead. Well, they'd all gone out to run errands and we were getting busy in the bathroom..." "Please tell me it wasn't your 97 year old grandmother who walked in on you." Brian laughed out loud. "Naw... It was my brother Harry. He about died." "Must have been an interesting conversation at dinner that night." "Yeah... They had already pretty much figured it out, so it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I would have thought." "That's cool," Misha said sadly. "I got real lucky with my family," Brian nodded. "Not that it's been perfect or anything, but compared with Nick's family, they've been saints." Misha wiped his hands, deciding that he'd lost his appetite.
Jane listened proudly as her three children practised a number to sing together, and when they were finished, she sent Leslie and Aaron off to their rooms to nap before the show. Nick was hoping that Jane would go too, but instead she went to sit with him on the couch. Nick's hands tightened into fists and he got up and started pacing around the room anxiously. "So, do you feel ready for the show?" she asked. Nick nodded, "uh huh." "Did you have a chance to practise much?" Nick just shrugged. "Nick, what's wrong?" "Nothing, why are you asking me that?" he snapped. "Because I'm your mother and I happen to care about you," Jane said angrily. "Now don't be so rude." Nick groaned. "Mom, I want to make a phone call, so can you just go?" "Why are you acting like this?" Jane glared at him. "Who are you calling?" "None of your business! You don't run my life!" Nick wished he hadn't raised his voice, but he felt so irritated and stressed out. "You've really changed, Nick," Jane said, getting up with a dramatic gesture. "You're turning into somebody I don't like too much." "Just leave me alone," Nick said sullenly. "You're going to call Brian, aren't you." "None of your business! Go away!" Jane stared Nick down, and finally he dropped his eyes first. "Look Nick, I don't know what you are so worked up about, and why you're slinking around like you're guilty about something, but you can't keep secrets from your own mother." Nick just gestured randomly, in an exasperated way, and stomped over to the window. "I said leave me alone," he repeated. "Do you not want to see your brother any more, Nick? Is this what this is about?" "What?" Nick yelled, turning around, "what are you talking about?" "I don't know, Nick. You tell me." Jane put a hand on either hip, staring at him smugly. "Mom..." Nick moaned, feeling tears come to his eyes. "Don't be like that." "Well, you're not exactly a good influence on him, Nick." "How can you say that," Nick said tearfully, looking out the window. "You need to change your priorities," Jane said. "You can have your sick life with Brian, or you can come back and be part of our family. It's up to you, Nick." She walked to the door. "We'll come to get you for the show," Jane said. "Bye."
Nick heard the door shut and stood there with his hands on the cool glass, staring out at the people wandering up and down the street outside. He felt as though his life had become so unreal that he didn't even know who he was any more. Nick Carter, the person inside, didn't seem to exist any more. He was only the outside persona, which changed depending on who he was with, depending on what was wanted of him. Brian was out there. Nick pressed his face to the glass. He knew they were going to be in the same hotel, but he hadn't found out yet what room Brian was staying in. Brian wasn't alone ... Misha was with him. Nick watched them, feeling empty and dead. They were talking and laughing about something. They weren't really acting like lovers, but then, Brian was in the closet, so he and Nick didn't act much more affectionate in public than he was with Misha. Nick couldn't even cry any more. He just stood there, in a trance, and finally he wandered over to the dresser and took out one of his bags, digging out a metal travel container meant for shampoo and unscrewing the lid. He pulled out a plastic bag of coke and tapped a big heap of the smooth powder onto the top of a magazine, separating it into lines with his fingers and snorting and licking the excess off, not wanting to waste an ounce of the precious substance. Nick dug around in his jacket pocket and found a little sheet of hard white paper he'd used before, still curled, and he rolled it up tightly and snorted the cocaine, feeling it burn as it entered his body. Nick stared at the cover of the magazine, wiping off the last traces of the drug with his fingers, not particularly surprised to see that it was in fact a picture of the Backstreet Boys. He laughed to himself and kissed the photo. "I just love you guys," Nick said out loud, thinking that his voice seemed to sound very far away and weird. "You're the best, mmm mmm mmm!" He kissed each of their faces individually and then laid down on the bed, laughing to himself.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
"Well, Alex, I had a lovely time," Dani said with a little smirk on her face. "Oh, come on, we're not going to do this again, are we?" A.J. laughed, leaning against the wall and peering at Dani over his shades. "Why, what did you have in mind instead?" Dani grinned back. She'd had a few glasses of champagne and was feeling bold. "Oh, I don't know," A.J. smiled, "do you have any etchings?" "I just might. Why don't you come in and we'll try to find them?" A.J. laughed and followed Dani into her hotel room. Howie had already gone off to his own room, laying a trademark wink on the two of them as he went. Dani plopped down on the couch with a little giggle and shuddered as A.J. brushed his hand lightly over her bare shoulders. He sat down next to her and let one hand slide quickly up her thigh. Dani turned, her lips parting with excitement. She wanted him to touch her so badly, and he seemed to sense it. A.J. leaned forward and their lips met briefly, a rough, dry litle peck. "Please take these off," Dani said softly, sliding A.J.'s sunglasses part way down his nose. He set them down gently on the coffee table. "Danielle," A.J. said with a little smile, "may I kiss you again?"
Misha rubbed Brian's shoulder in a futile attempt to cheer him up. Brian was choking down bourbon, which was obviously not something he did too often, judging from his facial expressions. Nick had looked out of it at the concert and his overall performance sucked. Brian had made an attempt to go and see him afterwards and been rebuffed. Misha tried to convince Brian that it had been Jane's evil forces that kept him out, but Brian claimed that the guard who had told Brian that Nick did not want to see him was an ally to them and would not have said it if it weren't true. "I'm so damn confused," Brian said with a moan. "I understand," Misha said soothingly, rubbing his back. "It's normal to feel that way in your situation." "Misha," Brian said in a small voice, "you should stop doing that." "What? You mean touching you?" "Yes." Brian looked at him with a wounded air. "Please." "I'm sorry," Misha said, "I wasn't trying to hit on you or anything." "I know," Brian sighed. "It's just me. I'm the one who's fucked up here." Brian stood up. "Misha, I'm going to see if I can talk to him. Thanks for everything. You're a good friend." The photographer sat there, deep in thought, after Brian left. Am I really, Misha thought. He felt like a giant sleazeball.
On his way to find Nick, Brian ran into an upset looking Leighanne. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked. "Nothing, nothing," she said, wiping a tear away, "I'm just tired." "Come on, Leigh. What's up." She sighed and let Brian into her room. "Let's just say that the audition didn't go too well." "Why? You were so well prepared. And that part is perfect for you!" "Brian," Leighanne said softly, "every other girl who read for that part was ten years younger than I am." A tear ran down her cheek and she collapsed on the couch. "Oh Leigh," Brian said, and he gave her a warm hug. She clung to him and then backed away. "You were on your way somewhere," Leighanne said, sniffing. "I'm sorry." "We can talk about this now," Brian started to say, but Leighanne raised a hand. "I'm a big girl, Bri. I can take care of myself. I'll just order myself something fattening from room service and pick up the pieces tomorrow." Brian nodded. "You're going to see Nick, aren't you," Leighanne said. "Yeah." "Brian, I won't stop you," she said. "But it kills me to see you going back to him again and again." "Leighanne, I love him," Brian said defensively, "you don't understand that, because you've never really been in love." Her face seemed to freeze, and Leighanne got up. "Go on, Brian," she said, "I want to be alone right now." "I'm sorry... God, Leigh, I didn't mean to say-" "Just go," she said. Brian walked out in an agony of conscience.
"Nick, come on, open the door. It's me, Brian." Finally, the door opened, and Aaron stood there, shooting Brian a death glare. "What do you want?" "I need to talk to Nick." Aaron scowled at him. "Nick's trashed," he said, "and he's really mad at you." The blond youth was already the same height as Brian, although he was mostly arms and legs, much like Nick had been at his age. "Come on, Aaron," Brian sighed, "just let me in." Aaron folded his arms over his chest. "Nick tells me you brought another guy here to London? Is he staying in your room?" Brian gasped, and he shoved his way into the room, afraid that some passer-by would overhear their conversation. "You know what Aaron," Brian said angrily, "this is kind of between the two of us." "I have no respect for you," Aaron said scornfully, "I don't give a shit what you think. Unlike you-" he poked Brian's chest painfully "- I love Nick, and I would never treat him that way." "Just let me talk to him," Brian said, and he tried to pushed his way further into the room. Aaron grappled with him, but Brian was stronger, and he shoved the teenager up against the wall. "Stop it Aaron," Brian said in a tight voice, "just cut it out." "Air, what's going on?" Nick called out from the other room. Brian cringed inside; he sounded so drunk. He made his way into the bedroom with Aaron on his heels. Nick was lying face down on the bed watching television and he peered over at Brian dimly, as though he wasn't sure who he was.
"Look who's here," Aaron said, pushing Brian from behind. "It's the bastard." "I said cut it out, Aaron," Brian said, "don't make me kick your ass." "Fuck you Brian," Nick slurred, "get the fuck out of my room." "Nick, let me explain! It's not what you think!" "I said fuck you!" Nick yelled, and he threw the remote control at Brian, or at least he probably intended to; it actually flew out of his hand in the opposite direction and smacked into the window, thankfully not hard enough to break the glass. "Nick told me that when he got back on tour with you guys, things would be better, and he wouldn't be so lonely any more," Aaron said accusingly. These words felt like an ice pick in Brian's heart, cold and brutal. "Didn't you say that, Nick." "Yeah huh," Nick said, looking confused, "I said that. I said what?" "Aaron, just get out and let me talk to Nick alone," Brian said. "No, I'm not leaving!" Aaron yelled, shoving Brian again. "Fuck 'im up Air," Nick laughed. "I'm not letting you hurt him any more," Aaron said tearfully. "Look what you did to him!" He pointed to Nick. "I didn't do it," Brian hissed, "it's not my fault that Nick is an alcoholic!" "What?" Aaron gaped at him. "What did you call him?" "Fuck you Brian," Nick chimed in again, "you liar! You bastard! You've been fucking Misha, well guess what? I been cheating on you too! So ha, fuck you!" Brian spun around. "What did you say, Nick?" "I said FUCK YOU!" Nick laughed, and then he dissolved into a coughing fit.
Brian felt as though his world was caving in, and he went over to Nick to help him. "Come on," he said, "let's go to the bathroom, you're going to puke." "Oh," Nick moaned, putting his hand up to his mouth at the mention of vomiting. Aaron sat on the bed and listened to his brother being sick for what seemed like an eternity, coughing and retching and moaning, and Brian speaking softly to him, telling him that he was going to be okay, and that he loved him. Aaron walked over to the bathroom and stuck his head in to look. Nick was lying on the floor while Brian cleaned off his face with a washcloth. "I'm leaving," Aaron announced quietly. "Is he going to be okay?" "Yeah," Brian said flatly, "he'll be fine. He'll just have a killer hangover." Aaron nodded and walked out slowly, trudging back to his room, where he knew his mother would be waiting for him, furious, lecturing, telling him that he should stay away from Nick until they got him some professional help. Brian dragged Nick into bed and sat down next to him. "Did you mean what you said," he asked quietly, "Nicky, did you sleep with somebody else?" "Yeah, I did," Nick mumbled, "so you go fuck Misha, okay, just go be with him." "Who was it?" "I ain't tellin you Bri, you're never gonna know..." Nick shut his eyes, tears running down his cheeks. He hadn't actually slept with anybody else, but he certainly had cheated on Brian before. "Nothing happened between me and Misha," Brian said quietly. "Go be with him, I know you want to be with him," Nick said, his eyes still shut tightly. "Lie on your side, baby," Brian said tenderly, and he helped Nick adjust himself, "in case you get sick again." He stroked Nick's beautiful hair and kissed his forehead. "Good bye Brian," Nick whispered. "Good bye," Brian choked out, and a tear fell on to Nick's perfect face.