We're all still here? Are you sure??? ;-) Well, I hate New Years because it always reminds me of how much of a slacker I am and how I didn't accomplish anything in the last 365 days. Oh well. I was bored this weekend and I got a lot done with my story, six chapters in fact (!). I really hope at least a few people are enjoying this. Feedback, suggestions, etc. are VERY welcome. -- May
Please don't read if you are offended by gay sex. The usual disclaimer applies re: fictional characterisation of "real- life" people.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
"Damn it, I'm still gimping," Brian laughed, hobbling around in an exaggerated manner, grabbing his hip like an old man. "You are OK?" one of the German drivers asked in a heavy accent. "I'm fine, thank you," Brian smiled, resting his hand on the man's arm. He walked gingerly over to Misha, who flashed a crooked grin at the singer. "I guess you should have been on your back all weekend with your foot up," the photographer said drily. "Maybe," Brian shrugged. Misha was trying to give Brian his space, but let him know that he was there for him whenever he was ready to talk about Nick. They got in the back of the van and both whipped out cell phones to check their messages. "Ugh," Brian groaned, closing his phone. "We have promos all day tomorrow, and then there's a special meet and greet before the show." "You love your fans," Misha grinned, "remember?" Brian raised an eyebrow at him. "We do love our fans," he said irritably, "it's just..." He dropped his hands. "Sorry," Misha said, patting Brian's shoulder. "I'm not making fun of you." "Yes you were," Brian said with a tiny smile.
"So, how were the Alps? I see you got a bit sunburned." "Yeah," Kevin smiled faintly, "I had a nice time, I guess. Just doing something very physical, no thinking involved." "Good plan," Howie nodded. They chatted while they got some make-up done before a TV interview. "I think I lost a lot of money. I wasn't paying that much attention since it was in Euros and not in dollars." "D'oh," Kevin grinned. "Easy come, easy go," Howie laughed. "Well, as long as you have a set budget of money you can afford to blow," Kevin said. "So did you see the papers about Nick's concert?" "No," Howie said, "but A.J. said something about it at breakfast." "Oh, you two were in the honeymoon suite together?" "Ha ha, very funny. We met to have a bite before we did that Pop Trax magazine shoot, remember, where we were all morning?" "News to me." "Major damage control," Howie scowled, "we're going to be working overtime for the next few weeks." "A little bird told me that one of the dancers is getting fired." "Oh really? Tai?" "Good guess. I'm thinking it's him, but I'm not sure." Kevin examined his fingernails as the German girl worked on spiking his hair up in the perfect tendril formation. "I'm sure it's him," Howie said, frowning at himself in the mirror. "They'd better pay him off unless they want a tell-all." Kevin just shrugged in a nonchalant manner.
Dani gave Leighanne a warm hug after hearing about her discouraging audition. "Oh, well," Leighanne sighed, "it's not like I'm a classically trained Shakespearian actress..." The two women sat together to have some herbal tea. The Berlin hotel was particularly luxurious, and Dani's room was quite large and beautifully decorated. "So you think this is it for Nick and Brian?" Dani asked. Leighanne snorted. "I'd love to think that, but who knows. Nick is always pushing Brian away, and Brian just keeps going back." Dani frowned, "so it's Nick who always wants to break up?" That didn't make much sense to her, since it seemed as though Nick had more to gain from the relationship. But then, not much about their relationship seemed terribly rational to Dani. "I feel sorry for him, actually," Dani said, picking up the London newspaper Leighanne had picked up on the airplane. The music section included a faintly damning review of Nick's concert, in which the critic had described his performance as "somnulent." "Don't fall into that trap," Leighanne said. "You never liked him at all?" "We had a mutual dislike from the get-go," Leighanne said, sipping her tea. "You can imagine how Nick reacted when Brian and I decided it would be good to be seen as a couple."
"This lifestyle and the ridiculous kinds of demands their old management put on them..." Leighanne shook her long blond hair, "it's really screwed everybody over. Take Howie for instance. He had three relationships fall apart, girls he really cared about. He had to lie and say he didn't have a girlfriend, he had to put his career first. He's a family kind of guy, and once he found Maria, Howie was determined that he wasn't letting her go." "But he's happy now, with her?" "I don't know," Leighanne said, "they were only together for a few months before Howie proposed to her." "Oh my," Dani said. "But she seemed pretty nice in New York..." "Who knows. Well, I guess I'm a pessimist." "So Brian and Nick and Kevin have all had trophy girlfriends." "Oh yes, at various times. Of course, Nick actually started sleeping with one of them. That was fun." Leighanne made a face. "Oh really?" "Yeah, I think he was trying to be straight. It was somebody his sister set him up with. And of course, he wanted to get back at Brian for being with me." "You know," Dani piped up, "nothing I hear about these guys would surprise me at this point."
Leighanne laughed. "Oh, and then there's A.J." Dani stiffened up immediately, but tried to hide it. "What's his deal?" she asked casually. "Well, he had a long-time love as well, a girl named Amanda. They were made for each other. He always said that she was like a girl version of him." "Oh," Dani said, feeling an unpleasant surge of envy. "So what happened?" "A.J. wasn't ready to commit to her, and I guess he thought they could have this open relationship where he slept with whatever garbage he wanted to and somehow she'd always be there for him. Well, Amanda fell in love with somebody else while he wasn't looking, and she married him. I think A.J. grew up real fast when that happened." Dani nodded and asked, "was this pretty recent?" "Last summer, yeah. A.J. hasn't really been in any serious relationships since then, at least none that I know of." "Thanks," Dani said quietly. A.J. had avoided her all of the day following her backing off from him, telling him she wasn't going to sleep with him. But Dani was afraid of becoming a statistic.
"This is bullshit," Nick mumbled, shaking his head. "Just sign it," Clive said. "You've put us in a difficult situation," their lawyer Jeremy put in, standing too close to Nick and breathing down his neck. "We have commitments, financial obligations." "Fine," Nick said, scrawling his name across the documents, "I'll do it. But you're going to have to talk to my mother about Aaron. That's not my business." "Of course," Jeremy said with a poisonous smile. "After all, Jane was your manager up until just now." "She's still my manager, but whatever," Nick said, standing up anxiously. He just wanted to get out of that room. "Now about this photo shoot tomorrow, I'm not doing it." "Nick, you have to, we're obligated to give them all of the Backstreet Boys." "Sorry but no," Nick said, folding his arms over his chest. "I'm sick." "Nick, there's no way-" "Find a way," he said, opening the door. "That's your job." Nick walked to his own room and found a note waiting for him, scrawled on the hotel stationery: "So long, K. I'm headed home to Detroit, I guess you know why. Let's keep in touch, call me - you know my digits. Tai." "Great," Nick said softly, "wonderful." He walked over to the bureau and only then realised that his belongings were still in London. "Goddamnit," he said, picking up his phone again. "Leo, I have to do some shopping, okay? Yeah, in five. No, don't worry, I can speak some German." Well, not really, but Nick figured he could speak enough to buy another outfit, some smokes, some alcohol. He wet his hair and smoothed it back before cramming the hat back on his head. I guess I'll just have to make do somehow, Nick said to himself. Maybe Leo knew somebody who could hook him up with some coke.
"I'm so fucking burned out," Brian sighed to Misha. They sat together in a tiny cafe, stuck in a dark back corner where nobody would spot the famous singer. After a long day of meetings and a telephone interview with a radio station, Brian was happy to just relax in relative anonymity. "So you guys met with Clive and Lorna," Misha asked, stirring some raw sugar into his bitter coffee. Germans sure knew how to make a strong cup of joe. "Yeah," Brian said, "we put up a united front, told them that we didn't appreciate being played. I don't know if anything will change or not." He stared at the embossed handle of his spoon. "I tried to defend Nick's position, of course." "Of course," Misha smiled. Brian looked up at him. "You know Misha, I've been running around like a crazy person for years now, years, trying to fix this thing. And that's just not like me." "No? You seem so determined about the things you care about." "Oh, I am..." Brian sipped his tea and looked out into the crowded cafe. "But I'm somebody who lets things happen at their own pace. I believe in fate, in God setting things in motion for His own reasons."
"Brian, wasn't it difficult for you, being gay - I mean, because you're so religious. What are you, Baptist?" "Southern Baptist," Brian said proudly. He paused before answering the question. "Misha, I believe in love. Cheesy as that may sound. When I fell in love with Nick, it was like it was meant to be. I think we both felt that way... It wasn't even a question of coming out. It just was." "But you dated girls before?" "Yep. I guess I liked girls in a way, I just realised I like men a whole lot more. Maybe I just liked girls because I was supposed to and I was horny." Misha laughed. "That would have been useful. Too bad I never felt that way." Brian grinned, "yeah, well, I wasn't a virgin, let's put it that way. But getting back to God... I won't tell you that I didn't have my doubts and my fears. I did a whole lot of praying and looking for answers, and when my family found out, I had a good long talk with my mom. She's an incredible woman, Misha." Brian's face shone when he talked about his mother Jackie, and Misha felt himself falling for him, hard. "I believe that our love was meant to be," Brian said more quietly, "and it was blessed. That's why it's so hard to understand what went wrong, that's why I've tried so long to fix it." "I wish I'd had a love like that in my life," Misha said thoughtfully.
"It was Kevin who gave us the hardest time about it," Brian went on speaking. "Do you think it was just some kind of internalised homophobia?" Misha asked. Brian gave him an odd look and a smirk. What, Misha thought, was that too much Academic GaySpeak for him? "Partly, probably," Brian said after a moment of reflection. "I know he was worried that I'd want to 'get him back' for telling me it was immoral because of Nick's age, and that I was a child molester." "He said that?" Misha gasped. "Oh yeah," Brian said, sipping his tea again. "I told you, he gave me a really hard time. But when he came out, I mean, I had already basically figured it out, and I wasn't gonna ride him about it." "Very Christian of you," Misha said. Brian gave him another odd look, but he smiled at last and replied, "well Misha, I sure as hell am not perfect, but I do try to do the right thing." "I love that you can just follow your heart," Misha said, "that's a wonderful quality. I guess I have a little too much of the Kevin in me." "The worry-wart," Brian grinned. He rubbed Misha's arm in a rather flirtatious way. "Now you just chill out," he said, "the world does not need any more Kevins." Misha gazed at Brian, starting to wonder if they weren't being a little too friendly out in public. God, he was beautiful.
"Bone, are you in there?" Howie was about to leave when A.J. finally came to the door. "Yeah, yeah, hold yer horses..." He let the shorter man in and Howie started babbling. "I hope you're not busy, I just need to talk about something, I wasn't sure who else to ask but ... Oh." "Hello," a young girl said in a strong German accent. She sat knock-kneed on A.J.'s couch, resting her elbows on her long thin legs, a sheath of thick blond hair coiling around one shoulder. "You were at the magazine shoot today," Howie asked, smiling pleasantly. "Yes," she nodded shyly. "Howie, this is Monika," A.J. grinned. Howie shot A.J. a look. "Can I talk to you for two secs, alone?" "Sure. Excuse us, babe," A.J. said, and the two guys went into the bedroom, A.J. closing the door behind them. "Okay, shoot," A.J. said, setting his drink down on top of the dresser. "Nice jailbait," Howie smirked. "Eh, shaddup. I gotta get my jollies somehow." "I thought you and Dani were kind of getting together. No?" "No, man," A.J. frowned, "you know I'm not looking for anything serious. We're just friends." "Okay, forget I mentioned it," Howie said, rolling his eyes. "Now let me ask you something. Remember how I told you I helped Maria's uncle with that business investment in California?" "The hotel thing. Yeah." "Now it turns out that Maria's little brother Miguel thinks I'm helping him buy a house. I'm like, where did that come from?" "This doesn't sound good, Howard," A.J. said, leaning back against the wall. "There's more." "You need to tell Maria that you can buy her relatives some shit for Christmas but it's not Christmas all year long." "Yeah! Exactly. But Bone, how do I tell her that it's getting out of control without hurting her feelings? You know how women are, and she's so tight with her family, and she's even more emotional now because of the baby..." "I don't know, D," A.J. said, tempted to tell his friend to just grow some balls and take control of the situation. He patted Howie on the back. "I just gotta think things wouldn't be so confused if I was at home with Maria and the baby instead of in Europe." "Maybe you just need to decide what's most important," A.J. said. "Well, c'mon," Howie sputtered, "I can't just walk out and leave the Backstreet Boys." "No?" A.J. said thoughtfully. "I guess that's good to know."
CHAPTER TWENTY
"Oh, oh, you are so gut!" Monika groaned, shifting her ass up to let A.J. thrust deeper into her. A.J. shut his eyes and just slammed the hell out of the young girl's tight cunt, knowing he had to be somewhere in half an hour. There wasn't anything there on an emotional level, but it was a whole lot more exciting than jacking off. A.J. pulled out carefully, holding the condom around the base of his cock, and then smacked the girl on the butt as she collapsed on the bed onto her stomach. Monika turned over and smiled at A.J., who was contemplating whether or not he had enough time to take a shower. Maybe just step under the water real quick, wear a hat. "I gotta get ready, babe," A.J. said, and he kissed her on the forehead. "Okay, I should go?" "Yeah, sorry." "It's okay," Monika smiled hopefully. "Maybe tonight I should come here, after the show?" "Not tonight, babe," A.J. said, picking through some clothes. "Why don't you give me your phone number, maybe we can keep in touch." It was nicer to do it that way than tell her straight out that he wasn't planning to ever see her again. As he stood under the shower, A.J. drifted into day dreams about his lost love, Manda, Panda, the girl version of himself, and his eyes watered when he told himself for the thousandth time that he was a stupid fuck. When A.J. got out of the shower, he found that he was now officially late for the meet and greet. "Goddamnit!"
Dani and Misha sat at the back of the press room while fans poured in, babbling excitedly in German. "I guess I'll go sit up front," Misha said, "over on the right side there with the other press photogs." "Sounds good," Dani said, "I'll take the fans and some long shots of the guys." "Yeah, we won't need all that many, but since the lighting in here is so nice we might as well shoot a bunch." "Misha?" "Yep?" "Have you talked to Kevin since you got back from London?" "Not really... I've basically just been hanging out with Brian." "Yes, I know that," Dani grinned, "but I think it might be nice of you to have a little chat with Kevin if things are heating up between Brian and you." "Thanks mom," Misha said, rolling his eyes. "Well, just to keep the peace." "There's not much hope of that!" Misha said. "You're forgetting blondie." "I thought it was Nick who broke up with Brian, though." "Dani... Logic is not blondie's strong point. Remember?" "Maybe I should talk to him," Dani said. "Why would you want to get involved in this whole mess, Danielle? Just stick to the A.J. and Howie side of the fence, the straight boys, okay?" "Fine, forget it," Dani said snippily, "I was only trying to help." She stalked off to stand by one of the windows.
Brian stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, patting one side of his hair, which seemed to not be obeying his wishes, smoothing his eyebrows, checking his shave. I look damn sexy, he said to himself, and laughed, because it wasn't particularly true. He had circles under his eyes and looked rather strained and nervous. He and Nick had successfully avoided each other's company since their late night chat in London, but as far as he knew, Nick was going to attend the meet and greet, and he'd have to face him at last. Brian adjusted his jacket and walked out casually to meet the other guys before they made their grand entrance together. There was Howie, talking on the phone as usual, dressed in a sophisticated dark ensemble. A.J. was wearing leather and looking pissed off and a bit scruffy. Kevin, who was casually dressed but neat, was looking around anxiously and waved at Brian. "There you are," he said irritably, "where's Nick?" "How should I know?" Brian snapped. "Well, it's been five minutes," A.J. said, checking his watch, "we figured you guys were back together again." Brian just shook his head angrily and walked to the entrance. "Come on, let's just go in." "Chill out," Kevin said, "we're waiting for Nick." Brian bit his tongue, particularly irritated by the irony of Kevin being the one to tell him to relax. Just as one of the organisers stuck his head in to see if they were ready yet, Nick walked in. Brian tried not to look at him, but he saw enough in one passing glance. How could he be so beautiful? Nick was dressed very casually, on the verge of looking like a slob, and he greeted the others with a mumbled, "I'm not answering anything unless it's just for me, okay? I have a headache." The others ignored him and went to go in to the reception room.
Brian sat at the farthest end of the table and breathed a sigh of relief when Howie came to sit beside him. The Q&A seemed to take forever, and the flash of cameras was driving him nuts. His restless gaze settled at last on Misha, and he gave the photographer a warm smile. At a certain level, Brian felt guilty for using Misha as a crutch to get over Nick, but he needed him so desperately that he couldn't imagine how else to cope. He wasn't as seductive looking as Nick, who had those deep blue eyes and that big sexy mouth, but Misha was slender, graceful and attractive in a quieter, more classical way. Brian thought back to how guilty he felt with Mark, and tried to clear the memories from his mind. Things are different now, he told himself. He looked at Misha intently. After the show, Brian said to himself, we'll get together tonight. Misha felt warm all over, penetrated by Brian's piercing stare. I want you, those cold blue eyes were saying, as plainly as if he'd written it on a piece of paper for him. Could I be a fling, Misha thought, if it's for Brian? All kinds of warning bells were going off in his mind, but he decided not to jump to conclusions. Maybe I'm just imagining things. Brian had a pen in his hand and he brought it to his lips and bit the end of it, still looking right at Misha.
Backstage at the show, Destiny was wrapping up her set when Dani found A.J. "Hey," she said, tapping him on the shoulder. "Oh, hi Dani," A.J. said stiffly. "Look, I know we haven't really talked since the other night," Dani started to say, but A.J. raised a hand. "I can't really talk right now," he said. "I ... I have to get in the right mindset for the show." "You're right," Dani said, "I'm sorry. You're just hard to get hold of sometimes." She backed off and walked out of the room, choking back tears. This is ridiculous, she said to herself. Yes, he is blowing you off, and yes, it's because you didn't have sex with him, but that doesn't mean that he wouldn't be doing the same thing if you did, and then where would you be? Just as fucking ridiculous as you are right now. After the show, Leighanne came by Dani's room to see if she was interested in hitting a few nightclubs with the crew. "I'm kind of already in my jammies," Dani said. "Oh come on, you need to get out," Leighanne said. She was dressed to kill, of course, and her long blond hair was twisted up into a chignon. She perched on a chair while Dani picked through her things to find something club-worthy. "Show went pretty well, don't you think?" "Yeah, I guess so," Dani said distractedly. "Is the whole touring thing wearing you down?" "Maybe, I don't know. What do you think about this top?" "Cute. It'll be kind of loose on you, though, won't it?" "Yep. No boobs." Leighanne laughed. "Wear it anyway, you'll have that baby dyke look." Baby dyke, Dani repeated to herself. Leighanne was quite the enigma. She put on the top with some leather pants and boots and slathered on some eyeliner and lip gloss. "Okay, ready." "Man," Leighanne laughed, "the day I get ready to go out in ten minutes is the day they put me in my coffin." "It's a baby dyke thing," Dani said with a smirk.
Misha and Brian sat together on the overstuffed couch in the singer's luxurious suite, their arms wrapped around one another as they kissed each other slowly, deeply. Misha stroked Brian's soft hair, feeling dizzy, he wanted this so badly. Brian's strong hands grasped Misha's thighs as though he were claiming him for his own. He bit at Misha's bottom lip, gazing at him lustfully, and before Misha could even respond, Brian was nibbling on his lip again. "I want you," Brian sighed, and he looked into Misha's eyes intently. "Brian," Misha sighed regretfully, "I can't do this." He got up and walked across the room. Brian just sat there, looking crushed. "This is just moving too fast for me," Misha said. I don't want to just be somebody you fuck. I want you so much, but this feels wrong, it feels rushed. I don't want you to think about Nick. Misha stared at the ground, unable to tell Brian these things. "You're right," Brian said. He got up and walked over to Misha, sliding his arms around the taller man's waist and resting his head on his chest. "Will you accept my apology?" "Of course, Brian, I'm okay." "I've just always been a very physical kind of person," Brian said, looking up at Misha with another almost savage gaze. "That doesn't mean that I'm not here with you emotionally." Misha smiled and ruffled Brian's hair again. "I believe you. I guess there's too much Kevin in me." "Ugh," Brian laughed, "now that is a quick way for me to lose a hard-on." "Sorry," Misha laughed, and then he whispered softly, "we could go back to kissing, you know."
Dani ordered herself another drink, thankful that the cute bartender was patient with her inability to speak more than four words of German. The club was loud and full of expensively dressed and very beautiful people. Dani felt like a clod. Howie was in his element, chatting it up with some Eurogeek types. A.J. had disappeared into some kind of private room with several bimbos flocking around him. Leighanne was dancing with random men, showing off her killer body. Kevin had stayed in, of course, and Dani made her way over to Nick, who was holding up the other end of the bar. "I didn't know you smoked," she said with a grin. "Oh? Yeah, you're right," Nick said, and he put it out. "The public will never know," Dani laughed. "Nope," Nick smiled at her, waving at the bartender for another drink. "Are you doing okay?" "Uh... Yeah, I guess so. You worried about me?" Nick looked up at her with one of those spellbinding smiles. His eyes sparkled. "A little bit, yeah." Dani sat down beside him. "Maybe it's a maternal instinct-" She was in mid-sentence when a tall guy slipped in between them with a napkin in hand. "You are Nick Carter?" he asked. "I sure am," Nick grinned. "What's your name?" "Joerg. Will you autograph?" "Sure," Nick said, smiling flirtatiously at the young man and brushing his arm purposely as he took the napkin from him. Of course, Nick set the napkin down in wetness where his glass of alcohol had been, ruining it. "Oh, it's wet," the guy said nervously. "I'm sorry baby," Nick slurred. "Why don't I buy you a drink, okay? I'll make it up to you." Dani decided to vacate the premises at that point, and went off to find Leighanne.
"Hey girl," Leighanne waved at Dani, "come join us! I found you a stud!" Dani turned bright red, but Leighanne yelled over, "don't worry, they don't speak a word of English!" After Dani had sufficiently exhausted herself bumping and grinding with random hotties, she went to go and get some water from the bar. Nick was nowhere to be seen and she could only guess what he might be getting up to. Howie was on his way to shitfaced as well, it looked like, and A.J. had yet to emerge from the room he was in. "I think it's time to call it a night," Dani said to Leighanne as she came over. "Good call," the blonde said, standing just a little bit too close to Dani as she reached over to take her cup of water and drink from it. "Come on, let's go back to the hotel and girl talk." Dani followed her out of the club, trying to figure out how to tell Leighanne politely that she really just wanted to go to sleep. "I gotta get some shut eye," she said to Leighanne as they came out of the elevator. "Okay well, see you on the bus tomorrow, I guess." "Leipzig next, right?" "Something like that. I'm just along for the ride." Dani heard the sadness in Leighanne's voice, but she was too worn out to say anything more than, "good night." Dani let herself into her room and breathed in the night air of Berlin, wishing the city farewell in her mind. I could have made love to Alex in Berlin, she thought as she slid under her sheets. Maybe I should have taken a chance.