Title: Chances Are 16/?
Author: Red (redfirewitch@yahoo.com)
Dedication: Thanks Wen! I don't feel so paranoid now. :D
It was almost an hour before either one talked. Justin and JC just sat together against the cushioned seat. JC's head rested against Justin's right shoulder and his right arm was around the blond's waist. Justin had his cheeks resting on JC's forehead and his left hand was running through JC's hair. Both knew that they hadn't really solved all their problems but it was a start. Each missed the other too much to let go.
JC made a move to sit up but Justin didn't want to let him go and held on tight.
"Justin?"
"Hmmm?"
"My arm's gone numb."
Justin rubbed the arm JC had wrapped around his waist. "How's that?"
"Not that one. The one behind your back." JC replied with a slight smile.
Justin sighed and sat up a little to allow JC to remove his arm and bring it to the front but he still didn't let go of JC completely.
"I'm not going anywhere, Justin." JC said with a first real smile in the past few days.
"Maybe." Justin replied with an answering smile. It dropped as he continued. "But what if you never let me hold you again?"
JC was taken aback by the fear and sadness in Justin's voice. "I'm sorry. I've been acting like a jerk."
"No you haven't. You've been acting like I'm that jerk." Justin stated. He turned on the seat until he was facing JC straight on. "Why Josh? Did I make you feel like I was that scum bag, when I touched you?"
"God no! It's not that Justin. That had nothing to do with you."
"But..."
"That had *nothing * to do with you, Justin. It was a fucked up situation but it wasn't your fault."
"It wasn't your fault either."
JC was silent.
"Say it." Justin insisted.
"Say what?"
"Say that it wasn't your fault."
"It...it wasn't my fault." JC repeated.
Justin watched him and shook his head. "I know that you don't believe that yet but you have to, Josh."
JC nodded. "I know that. I can't talk to you about it yet, Justin. Can we please drop it? For now?"
"Ok but only because you're going to talk to a psychiatrist as soon as we get the time."
"Ok." JC said, softly.
Justin leaned forward and kissed JC on the forehead.
"Then let's talk about what happened to us, Josh." Justin said and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for the things I said. I was angry with Julian. Not you. I shouldn't have treated you that way."
"I'm your best friend, Justin. I know how you get when you are pissed off. I know you don't mean the things you say when you're angry."
"Then why..."
"But this time, I don't know...I'm just scared that I will lose you."
"How can you lose me when you're the one pushing me away, Josh?"
JC looked out the window at the passing scenery. "You don't have to it the hard way, Justin. You may not be gay. You have a girl who's head over heels in love with you. You can have it all and be happy."
Justin stared at JC. "You think that I might leave you for Britney?"
"No. But you can. Anytime you want."
Justin held back his words. He wanted to hear everything that JC had to say first.
"And now?"
"I don't care anymore. I'm going to take what I can, while I can."
Justin was silent for a while. "I don't know what to say. I don't think there's anything I can say to convince you that I'm not leaving you. Ever. The only thing I can do is prove you wrong. But you don't believe that do you?"
JC looked away from the questioning blue gaze. "I can't help but think that you want to be with me for the wrong reason, Justin." JC replied tiredly.
"And what reason is that?"
"You want to get back at management for pairing you up with Britney. You want to prove to them that there are some aspects of your life which they can't control. Like your sexuality."
"Is that what you really think?"
"I don't know. Only you can answer that, Justin."
"I thought I already did when we made out. Or were those moans and screams coming from me too soft?" Justin asked, sarcastically. Then he started pacing the short length in front of the couch. "Josh, where is this coming from? Did I say anything to make you think that I'm not gay and that I'm just using you?"
"I know that you wouldn't use me or hurt me deliberately, Justin."
"Deliberately?" Justin asked. "So you think I'm misguided or something? That I'm fooling myself into thinking that I want you?"
JC was silent.
"I must be a damn good actor if I can fool myself." Justin said, sarcastically.
JC stood up. "What if, Justin? What if you are fooling yourself? How can you be sure that you're not?"
Justin stood up too. "This is ridiculous. I know what I feel, Josh. I'm not a kid anymore. You don't have to look out for me all the time!"
JC looked at Justin sadly. "That's what it always comes down to. Whether you see it or not, the things you say just show that you are trying to prove something."
"To who? You? Me? Who Josh?"
"Management. Julian."
"Julian? Where does he come into this? He has accepted us already. Why should I have to prove anything to him? The only problem I have with him is his insistence that I always do what he says!"
"He came to talk to me after you left with Britney. He said that from the way you spoke, it was like you enjoyed throwing at his face the fact that no one could control your sexuality."
Justin's eyes narrowed in anger. "What else did he say?"
"Don't get mad at him, Justin. He's just looking out for us."
"By trying to tear us apart?"
"Think about it. He's outside this. He can see things from a neutral point of view."
"Fuck his point of view! All that bastard sees is how we are going to help or screw up his career."
"His career is dependent on ours, Justin. He just doesn't want us to destroy each other if in a year or two, we realize that this was a mistake. If we hurt each other, if we hate each other, you know the group won't last. Julian knows it too!"
"His happiness isn't dependent on ours, Josh! He doesn't care if we are miserable in our personal lives. As long as Nsync rakes in the money, he's happy! He doesn't give a shit about us!"
JC was silent causing Justin to become more agitated.
"You're letting him do to you exactly what Lou did to us! Play with your trust and screw you over without even you knowing it! You're letting your fucking insecurities and doubts screw with what you know! And you know that we belong together!" Justin grabbed JC by the shoulders. "You know that, don't you?"
"Part of me does."
"That's not enough. You know me better than anyone, Josh. You were there when Tonya broke my heart. You said that I loved with my soul. So you know that that's how I love you. And I need you to love me with your soul too."
"You think I don't? God! I can't even remember a time when I didn't love you, Justin."
"Then why are you scared to be with me?"
"I'm not scared."
"Fine! The why are you already giving up on us before we have even gotten started!"
"Because I don't know if I'll be enough for you."
"I can never get enough of you."
"That's not what I mean."
"What do you mean, Josh?"
"You're so incredible, Justin. So beautiful. You have so much love to give. More than I can take. And I don't want to share."
"Who's asking you to?"
"But you can't be happy with just me. Not in the long run."
"You think I'll find someone else?"
"Remember your dream. A beautiful wife, four kids, two sons, two daughters, a dog and a cat."
Justin laughed. "I said that when I was 15!"
"But that's what you want."
"Ok, maybe now I want a beautiful husband, four kids, two sons, two daughters, a dog and a cat!"
"That's not going to happen."
"It might. We are talking 10 years down the road, Josh! God knows what can happen!"
"Ok."
"Ok? What do you mean ok?"
"We'll just let things run its course."
Justin wasn't going to be easily dissuaded.
"So you believe that we can make this work? That we'll be together? That I'll always love you and you'll always love me?"
"I'll always love you." JC said with a smile.
"And the rest of what I said? Do you believe we can make this work?"
"We'll take things as they come."
Justin frowned. "That's not enough. You still don't believe that I'm not going to leave you, do you?"
"What does it matter? We have now!"
"Fuck Josh! You don't get it. I want you to trust me! I need you to believe that we belong together and will always be together!"
"You want naïve declaration?"
"Naïve? Wanting your trust is naïve?"
"I do trust you."
"No you don't. You think I'm some pretty boy who's experimenting and will leave you when the next attractive female ass comes along! Or when I'm bored with being gay!"
"I don't think..."
"Yes you do. That's why you're so unsure and hesitant about everything."
JC sighed and sat down. He covered his eyes with his hands. "Why can't we just take the days as they come?"
"Because you're starting this relationship with the end already in mind! That's so screwed up."
"That's being realistic."
"God! When did you become this cynical Josh?"
"What does it matter, Justin! So what? We have now. We can be together now. So what's the big deal?"
"The big deal is that you trying to make what we have seem like a fling. That's not what I want. I want you go into this completely. I want you to trust me."
"I trust you."
"I'm not talking about trusting me with your life or your deep dark secrets. I'm not talking about best friends trust. I want you to trust me with your heart."
JC was silent.
"Josh, do you?"
JC met Justin's worried blue gaze. "No. I don't trust you, Justin. Not yet."
"Oh." Justin's body seemed to slump in defeat. Before his legs gave way, Justin sat down. "Oh."
They sat there in silence, thinking over what had just been revealed.
"Now what?" Justin asked.
"I don't know."
"This can either mean the end or it can mean that we are going to work at this."
JC nodded.
"What do we do, Josh?"
JC shook his head.