Please see original story (www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/camping/canvas-hell/) for warnings and copyright. Highlights: All fiction. All rights reserved. Includes sex between young-adult men. Go away if any of that is against your local rules. Practice safer sex than my characters. Write if you like, but flamers end up in the nasty bits of future stories. Donate to Nifty TODAY at donate.nifty.org/donate.html to keep the cum coming.
Karl face was a stone mask, even his eyes failing to show any hint of what went on behind them. The tableaux lasted for a lifetime, then Karl dropped his eyes and whispered to his shoes, "I just don't know anymore."
"And we won't ask until you do know, Karl," I whispered back. He looked at me long and hard, then Jim, then back down. Apparently, that was the answer he wanted most.
We sat there, listening to the bees sing to the flowers, the brook making music for the dragonflies, as the sun moved slowly toward the west.
Canvas Hell 23: God's Plan
By Bear Pup
T/T; self-discovery - Saturday evening / Sunday morning
Either Chef was off his game, or burgers were too difficult to sabotage. Our guess was the latter since these had obviously started out as frozen hockey pucks and it's damned hard to ruin those. Remember, this was the seventies, so the only doneness any of us had ever heard of for a hamburger was tragically-dessicated. Well, yeah, there was a layer of 'seasoning' (mud tasting vaguely of celery salt and despair) that had to be scraped off, but the fixins were fresh and unadorned.
Even the side dish, baked beans, were edible if you begged the suddenly-popular kid from Louisiana for some magic hot sauce. He was so happy with the attention, especially from us 'older guys', that his butt practically wagged. He whispered to me that he'd gotten permission from the Major and called to ask his Mom to bring lots more on Parent's Night the next day. I told him he was a great guy and asked his name; he stuttered so bad I could barely make out N-N-N-N-N-Nathan. I grab his shoulder and say, "You're a damn fine man, Nathan." He squeaked and I had a feeling he'd just peed a little, exacerbating the 'puppy' metaphor.
Dinner finally over, we trudged to Cabin 4. Bizarrely, it went well. I Fa'ed my way through and even remembered the wordy portion. We ran through it four times, better each time, and the Leaders were nearly weeping in relief. What I didn't know at the time was how competitive the Leaders were about the Sunday Campfire or the shame and humiliation they'd have to endure if we face-planted.
And we went back to the tent and fucked like rabbits. No, actually, as it turns out, large quantities of beans in teenaged boys does not make for a sexy evening. We were each privately desperate and mortified. Jim was the first to lose the battle and it suddenly sounded like an outboard motor was hidden in his bag: Putt-putt-putt-putt-putt-putt-putt.
"OH! MY! GOD! OhGodohGodohGod! I am so sor--"
His apology was interrupted rudely by my own extremely loud, extremely bugley fart, followed closely by the high-pitched sound of air whistling out of a tightly-held balloon which emanated from Karl's end of the tent. All three of us burst into giggles... for precisely nine seconds. At which point all three of us were frantically untying and opening the tent flaps, gasping for air. We opened the mesh 'window' as well, creating a cross breeze.
I rumbled in a deep, fake voice, "Toxic Gas Cloud Kills Thousands. Film at Eleven." A chorus of the timeless classic 'Teen Hilarity per la Flatulence' erupted as we farted ourselves to sleep.
I usual, I was up well before light. I watered the beeches and returned to the tent, but knew I'd never sleep. I quietly slipped into jeans and a shirt, shivering lightly, and tugged on a pair of shoes. I guessed that there was at least an hour before dawn, so I again wandered over to the central fire-ring. As before, by touch I was able to find an area where one of the coals smouldered.
I coaxed a shy and hesitant fire from it with twigs, leaves and eventually small branches missed by the clean-up crews. I build the small blaze until I got what I wanted, three strong flames writhing above the wood.
I wasn't as despondent and thus not as self-absorbed this morning and I heard Dr Eaglas approach. I looked up to him, his grizzled and grumpy-bear face lit by the flicker of the flames. He sat down this time. "Three flames again. So, Patrick, what do you see?"
"They're dancing."
"So, the same question as the other morning. Which one is you, Patrick?"
I turned and looked at him. At his soft, somewhat sad and certainly sleepy eyes. I looked so long that I realised the silence had become uncomfortable. "Any of them. All of them. It's the dance that matters."
He stood, knees sounding like dozens of twigs snapping under the hoof of some great but calm forest creature. He looked down at me as I couched there, then reached out and put his hand on my shoulder. "You may be the wisest young man I've met in a long time, son. I've never thought of it or even read it, but you're right. It's the dance that matters." He paused, looking down into my eyes, but anything but looking down on me. "Just don't let go of that, Patrick, please. Never let go of the dance."
A trick of the dancing glow and shadows from my small fire made it look for all the world like a tear was running down the man's cheek. He turned and walked slowly to the Mess Hall and I turned back to the flames, pondering his words.
When a lighter blue appeared to the East, I quietly returned to the tent, sitting softly in the entryway. Karl stirred, then Jim. Both watered the tree while I got kit for all three of us ready and we headed to the Hygiene Hut. We walked down, Jim uncharacteristically quiet and Karl uncommonly chatty.
"Did you sleep well, Patrick? Damn, I don't know I've ever had such a great night's sleep!"
"It was great Karl. Apparently 'natural gas' does wonder for a guy."
He chuckled, then sobered. "We have to, um, talk about yesterday."
My voice was calm, almost serene. "No, Karl, we really don't." He looked at me with a fierce scowl. "Karl, you were right. You are pretty well always right. None of us hides any more. None of us runs. None of us worries. If things -- anything -- get too intense at Tent Canvas Hell, Nathan would give his right arm to hang around with you, and Orson as well. You are a powerful, mature, really-together guy, Karl. I'm sorry, but half the camp would kill to be your bud."
Karl looked down and blushed furiously as we walked. Jim piped up. "As rare as it is, Patrick is actually right this time, Karl. You're the guy they look at when they want, I dunno, to be a better person. You, Karl... I don't know how to say this without making you crazy, but you are who they wish they were."
Karl stopped instantly and looked at Jim. "No sane person would want to be me."
Jim sighed deeply, and I tried, "Karl, these kids don't know what your life is. They want to be what they see, Karl. They want to be the unflappable, unstoppable, unruffled leader that they see, Karl." I looked at him as we stood there. "You don't get it, do you?" He shook his head, undone and confused. Jim took up the narrative.
"Karl? Karl, look at me. What I saw, and what all of them see, is a real man, Karl. They see how strong you are, how fierce you are, how steady and caring and confident you are. They don't know... They CANNOT know how much it costs you to be 'that' Karl."
Karl sobbed once and Jim yanked him off the path and behind a tree. I watched as Jim put his hands on each of Karl's shoulder. It wasn't a hug, but it was close. "Karl, you don't understand what a great human being you are, Karl. Karl, the person you show the world is the guy I want, Patrick wants, everyone want to be. They don't know how it hurts, Karl. They don't know what it costs. They just know that you are what they have always prayed to become."
Karl pulled himself to Jim and started to cry in earnest. "But it hurts, Jim. It hurts!"
I moved in and ran my hand down his back. "And we know that, Karl, but they don't. You give them, give them a view into what a great guy should be. What THEY should be. What they WANT to be. But it's killing you, Karl. And you never, never have to be that guy with us."
"Wow! Patrick is right twice in a row. The difference, Karl, the difference between them and us... Karl, of all the guys in this camp, Patrick and I are the only ones who now how powerful and caring and wonderful you actually ARE, Karl. We know what you show everyone is a, a, a costume, an act. The real you, Karl, the one that we know, Karl, is even better than that."
Karl began to sob, clutching Jim's shirt as he cried. I wrapped my disgustingly-long arms around them both and murmured in Karl's ear. "Cry, Karl, and let us help you. It took me nearly two weeks to accept that you and Jim care about me. Karl, you are the best of us, the strongest, the deepest, the finest among us. We won't stop believing that Karl, ever."
Like a switch thrown, the sobs were gone. Karl sucked in a deep breath and pulled back. "I'm not. I'm not brave. I'm not smart. I'm not strong. I'm, I-I'm not ANY of those things. Please, please stop saying that I am." He whirled and was into the Hygiene Hut before Jim or I could take breath to respond. Silently, confused and horrified, we followed. We showered quietly, each of us trying to memorise the wall.
Breakfast would have been wonderful without the tension. Since it was Chef's day off, the Leaders had made French Toast with real, actual syrup and succulent, perfectly-cooked bacon. More of that strange 'grits' stuff was there as well. I heard scrawny little 'N-N-Nathan' exclaim and moved over to him. He was transported with joy. "Eggs Creole, Patrick!" His eyes flew widened and dropped, mortified he'd spoken with a guy four years his senior.
"That looks great, Nathan. Is it good?" He nodded like a defective dashboard dog.
"It's wonderful. It's s-s-so good. I-I, um, if you want... um, I'll share my hot sauce?" I ruffled his hair and he acted like he'd just gotten a handshake from the Pope. I scooped a big portion of it on my plate and put a small dab of the mysterious 'grits' into a bowl. Nathen exclaimed and dumped a huge spoonful into my bowl and his, and carried both with his plate balanced precariously to a table as I mourned the lack of coffee at George's sad headshake.
He scurried -- there's no other word for it -- back to the line and scampered back with a bowl filled with butter. He snatched my bowl and began to doctor it as Karl and Jim joined us. He pushed it across to me, the white sludge now with a sheen of butter and a sprinkle of salt crystal. "No, really, P-P-Patrick. Try it!"
I scooped a tentative spoonful and tasted it. My eyes popped wide. "{wrtsbenalmylf}?" I swallowed and took two more huge spoonfuls and swallowed, then exclaimed, "My God, Nathan! Where has this been all my life! This is AMAZING. Jim, Karl, you've GOT to try this." I passed the bowl to them and watched the eye-pop from one and the eye-roll from the other, then snatched the bowl back to looks of utter betrayal. "Get your own!" Like a blueish blur, Nathan was gone and back with two more steaming bowls. He sat in wide-eyed adoration and all three of us oo'ed and ah'ed over what he'd done.
I expected the French Toast to be the star, and it was truly phenomenal -- better than mom's! -- but it was the Eggs Creole that blew me away. The heat and depth of flavour astounded me and I was shocked when I reached the end. Nathan was in hero-worship heaven as he refilled our plates whenever we ran low. I grabbed him at one point. "Nathan, you shouldn't be serving us. We're just guys like you."
"B-b-b-but I w-w-want to, Patrick. Please? Please?" I relented since he was shovelling food into himself easily as quickly as any of us. When we finally belched our way to satisfaction, I snagged Nathan into a shoulder-lock as we left the Mess Hall. When we were well away from both the Mess Hall and the main path to the Fire Ring, I turned and squatted, putting my face just slightly lower than his.
"Nathan, listen to me. You listening? You are a damned fine man, Nathan, and don't let anyone tell you different. You care about people, Nathan, and there is nothing more important than that. All three of us are your friends, Nathan. If anyone messes with you, tell us. NO ONE messes with our friends, Nathan, nobody. You get me?"
He nodded frantically, his eyes welling with emotion. "Now, do you want to join Jim and me at service?"
His voice was a hoarse whisper. "Wh-wh-what about Karl." All three of us swivelled to look at the quiet, powerful young man.
"Leave me out of this, guys." he said gruffly.
Jim, never the best at taking a hint, jumped in. "Why? Why not sit with us Karl?"
Karl just grunted, "NO!"
Jim now had his back up. "Why, Karl? Why not sit with us? It's only an hour."
"I said NO!"
"I'm not letting this go until you answer me, Karl. WHY?"
Some inner dam broke, "Because it's CRAP, Jim. It's all CRAP. He, He... The Minister told me -- six years old! -- that Daddy d-d-died..." And as quick as that he was off like a shot.
Jim and I looked at each other, stunned, then chased after our fleeing friend. We caught up to him in a tiny clearing we'd not found before. Karl was standing with his hands braced against a tree, breathing raggedly in a shuddering cadence that I thought of as 'pre-sobbing'. Jim went to one side and I to the other.
"It's not working, Karl," Jim voice stated. "We know how good you are, and we know something happened. Let us help, we really are here for you, Karl."
I grabbed Karl as he sagged. He stifled his sobs after only two, the stiffened and railed at me. "Go AWAY! Go... go away."
"No, Karl, we covered this the second day. I won't go away, Karl, ever."
He rounded on me with a snarl, "WHY? WHY? Why think you can 'be there for me'?" His voice was a mocking singsong. "You, you ALL think I'm some sort of... FUCK! I don't know what! Just, just, just leave me ALONE!"
A small and tentative voice startles us all. It's Nathan. "But, Karl, w-w-we... No, I-I-I want to be like you!"
"YOU DON'T" Karl screams.
Oddly, Nathans voice strengthens. "Yes, we do. No one cares if you're perfect. No one cares if you, you know, cry. You CARE, Karl, and ev-ev-everyone see it. You, oh God, Karl, you are the one we want to be when we, you know, grow up." His voice trails off.
"YOU DON'T! It HURTS. It hurts every DAY. It hurts so BAD! And everyone, EVERYONE thinks it's, it's easy!"
"No Karl, we think it's hard." Nathan's voice is almost a whisper. "We think it's impossible, Karl. We think that no-no-no one can live like that. No one can deal with, oh God, everything and still care, Karl. W-w-w-we all want to know how you can, Karl... how you can, well, everything..." He petered off and turned to me, suddenly appalled that he'd said such things. I threw my arm across him and hugged him tight. A single hiccough told me that he was as moved by this as I was.
Karl has latched onto the tree with a grip that could strangle and man, muscles in sharp relief and hands white with strain. He sagged, gasping for breath, and his soft, deep voice permeated the clearing.
"He told me, the preacher, he told me it was 'God's Plan'. My Daddy was lying there, dead, in a casket. And it was 'God's Plan'. All those sh-shots, 'God's Plan'. Daddy bleeding, 'God's Plan'. Firemen trying to save him, 'God's Plan'." He wheeled and screamed at us, "FUCK GOD'S PLAN!" and then he crumpled, like a puppet with strings cut. He was huddled at the base of that tree. I couldn't even tell if he was breathing. He folded forward like a body in a movie.
Nathan moved first. He grabbed Karl's head into his lap. "And that preacher was wrong. He was wrong. I don't care if you believe, but God would never, ever do that to you, to your, um, your father. Please look at me." Karl dragged his face upward, big, dark eyes tormented and desperate for... something.
"I don't care if you believe. I don't know or care if I'm even right. But if you give up on this, well, you give up on everything.
"Kids like u-u-u-us, Karl, little kids, the ones the bullies push down or walk over. We need to know that there are g-good people, too, Karl. People like you. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to be strong all the time. But you CARE, we know it and, well, and w-we need that. We need to know that a strong, handsome, mature guy can still care."
Karl just stared up at the kid's face. "But, it hurts."
"Then find me. Yell at me. Scream at me. Let it out. If it helps you, Karl, it helps all of us, Karl. You won't hurt me or make me mad or disappointed or sad or anything. Just, Karl, just don't let it turn you. Don't keep it inside and let it, somehow, make you stop being you. Please? Please, Karl?"
Karl just stared, long and hard. "But why? Why do that?"
"Because, Karl, because it's wrong for us to take and take and take what we need from you without giving it back. A lot of guys, Karl, a lot of us would kill to help if we knew how. But I know this, Karl, I know I can take anything you give. I am small and scrawny, but I'm tough, Karl. So find me, Karl, and let it go. No one will know, Karl, but honestly they wouldn't care if they did. Just, just keep being Karl for us, please?"
Karl sat there, his head in the kid's lap, just staring, for the longest time. He sat up and gave Nathan the hardest shoulder hug the kid had ever known. "Nathan, I am going to walk for a minute. Can I, um, find you later?" Nathan nodded and Karl stood slowly and wandered down a game trail, lost in thought.
I walked over and grabbed Nathan's hand and pulled him up, then shocked the hell out him with a full-out hug. "A damned fine man, Nathan; you are a damned fine man."
If you want to get mail notifying you of new postings or have ideas on how I can improve my writing, e-mail me at orson.cadell@gmail.com
Active storelines, all at www.nifty.org/nifty/gay... Canvas Hell: 23 chapters .../camping/canvas-hell/ Beaux Thibodaux: 14 chapters .../adult-youth/beaux-thibodaux/ The Heathens: 15 chapters .../historical/the-heathens/ Off the Magic Carpet: 9 chapters .../military/off-the-magic-carpet/ Lake Desolation: 8 chapters .../rural/lake-desolation/ Dear John Letter: 2 chapters .../military/dear-john-letter/ Brother Bear: 4 chapters .../incest/brother-bear Shark Reef: 1 chapter .../adult-friends/shark-reef