Hello! God it has been ages since I last updated. My sincere apologies. College has been hell lately and I have been very lucky to be able to write at all.
Ok, the author's note: this instalment may seem very confusing but that's the whole purpose!
T: thanks for the beta, you are my #1 fan!
Red: dedicated to you... thanks for all the great feedback and encouragements...
I love feedback... I prefer constructive feedback that will help me improve my story! (alecsandria@yahoo.com)
Anyway: here are part 15-18 of Can't fight the moonlight!
Part 15
'Ouch.'
'Wuss.'
Justin pulled my arm back and gently put some more anti-septic on the scratches. I tried to wiggle my arm out of his hand again but he held on with a firm grip.
'Stop acting like a baby.'
Justin had a teasing smile on his face and I finally gave up. I rested my head back and looked at the other people on the bus. Lance and Chloe were sitting so close together that I had no idea where Lance ended and Chloe began. They were reading the same book and their sweetness made my teeth ache. My eyes moved to Lonnie. He was rubbing his shin absentmindedly. I made a mental note to apologise to him later on. My gaze moved to the right. Tyler was sitting there with a funny look on his face.
'What?'
Tyler shook awake from his daydream and it was a funny thing to see.
'I was just thinking.'
I placed my hand over Justin's mouth, as he was just about to open it to make a smart comment.
'About what?'
'What I'm going tell mum and dad when you are coming home next week.'
My mouth slowly opened and my eyes widened.
'I'm not going anywhere next week.'
'Yes you are.'
I should have left my hand on Justin's mouth. I looked at him.
'Where am I going than?'
'You're coming back to Orlando with me. We have a week off.'
'He's coming home with me.'
'No. He's not.'
'Yes. He is.'
That went on for about two minutes.
'Stop it.'
Justin and Tyler looked at me.
'I'm going home to Utah. That's the only home I have.'
Two faces fell.
'Tyler, mum and dad think I'm dead. I can't just show up.'
'I'll call them.'
Tyler jumped up and ran to the phone. I wanted to dive after him but Justin was still sitting on my lap. I sighed and rested my head against his chest.
'He can't just call them and say that I'm alive.'
Justin's fingers softly rubbed my neck. A light tingling went through my body. His breath was warm on my ear as he spoke.
'Tyler is just so excited. And you can't hide forever. The press will find out soon enough. Especially now that you are on tour with us. They are going to notice a fifth person walking around looking a lot like JC Chasez only with blonde hair.'
I sighed again.
'How will we tell them?'
I turned my head a little and my nose touched his cheek. Our eyes locked and his lips curled up in a smile.
'I know just the person that can help us.'
'Hi mum, it's Tyler.'
I jerked my head up and nearly slammed against Justin's nose. Tyler sat a few feet away. He placed the phone on the speaker and my mother's voice filled the room.
'How are you? Still having fun on tour?'
I stared at the phone. It had been a year since I last heard my mother talk.
'Yeah, listen Mum, can we talk? Is dad around?'
I heard my mum call my dad and a few seconds later his voice filled my ears. I bit my lip not to cry. Justin had pulled me into his embrace again. His soft heartbeat calming me.
'What is it that you want to talk about, son?'
'I've got someone sitting next to me that would like to talk to you?'
'Who?'
My parents spoke in unison.
'Remember how I told you about Justin not believing that JC was dead. And how he was constantly searching for him?'
'Justin should leave the dead alone.'
The chill in my father's voice sent shivers down my spine.
'I'm glad that he didn't dad. Justin found him.'
The silence that followed was too much to bear for me. I tried to push Justin of my lap to get away but that man was so determined to keep me in place.
'He found him?'
My mother's voice was so fragile. I pressed my fist against my mouth to muffle a scream.
'JC was in the accident momma. But he survived with a head injury and amnesia.'
'Is he there?'
Tyler looked at me. I closed my eyes and nodded.
'Yes momma, he is here.'
My mother started crying and I couldn't stop my tears. I buried my head deep in Justin's shoulder and cried. I was glad that I didn't manage to get Justin of my lap. I had the feeling that my carefully rebuild world was shattering to a million small pieces. I vaguely heard Tyler end the phone call. I felt him sit down next to me and his arm slid around my back.
'I'm sorry.' He mumbled.
I wanted to say that it was ok as you are suppose to do but I couldn't. It wasn't ok for me. I had taken a few major steps the last few days when I was really only ready for a baby step.
'Mum wants to meet you. Talk to you at least. But only when you are ready. She heard you cry. She wants to speak to you just to hear your voice but she said that you weren't ready. She'll wait. Even if that is next year.'
I nodded against Justin's shoulder. I silently wished that everyone would leave. I reached out behind Justin's back and pulled the farm close. I placed my hand on top of the lid. Tyler left my side and I heard a door close. I slowly lifted my head and saw that we were alone. Justin cupped my chin and looked at me.
'Are you ok?'
I decided not to lie.
'No.'
'Is there anything I can do to make you feel a little bit better?'
'Kiss me.'
Justin's lips crushed down on mine. I laced my fingers through his hair and I kissed him like there was no tomorrow. Our tongues found each other and each touch made it impossible for me to breathe.
Justin was the first to break away. He placed a soft kiss on my forehead and leaned against me.
'Don't use me to feel better.'
I shook my head.
'I love you.' And my voice quavered.
Part 16
My parents gave me exactly 2 days. I had managed to ignore the restless feeling all day. But seeing Joey JR acting very restless as well made me give in. I locked myself in a dressing room and prayed for something to happen that would make them cancel the concert or something like that. All I wanted right now was a warm bath and Justin softly rocking me to sleep. But no, someone decided to bang on the door and even though I tried to ignore it the person didn't give up. I wondered what part of do not disturb they didn't get. I always thought that the note on the door said it all. I placed Joey back in the farm and walked to the door.
I opened it and blinked as my mouth fell open.
'I'm not ready,' was the first thing that came out of my mouth. Not the correct thing to say to your parents when you see them again for the first time in months but that was the first thing that I said. I turned around and walked back to the table. I didn't close the door behind me but left it open as a silent invitation for them to enter the room.
'I know that you aren't ready but I had to see you. I had to see for myself that it was really you.'
My mother's sweet voice filled the room and I suddenly realised that now I could touch them and even smell them I had missed them more than I would ever admit to myself.
'I'm here and I'm real. Please leave me alone.'
'JC, that's not the way to talk to your mother!'
I turned around and faced them. My mother had aged a lot and my dad was still exactly the same.
'JC is dead.' I said through clenched teeth. 'He died. I'm not the son you used to know. I have changed.'
My mother reached out with her hand to touch my face but I flinched. Her hand stopped in mid-air and her eyes filled with tears. I caught her trembling hand in mine, pulled her close and wrapped my arms around her. I refrained from screaming out loud when her scent tickled my nose. It was the same scent that had guided me through my teenage years. The same scent I had clung to when I had told them I was gay. That scent triggered so many emotions that my head started spinning. I slowly pushed my mother away and stepped back.
'Please, mom, dad. I need some time to come to terms with everything.' I spread my arms wide. 'I have this whole new life, friends, and a family. I can't... I need...'
My mother nodded her head.
'All I need was to see you. To know that it's you.'
'It's me momma. It's really me.'
My mother's eyes filed with tears again and I looked away. I moved my gaze to the right to look at my dad but his eyes were fixed on something behind me. I looked over my shoulder to see what he was looking at when he suddenly moved. I opened my mouth to yell but no sound came out. I spun around just in time to see his foot crash down on one of the cockroaches. The sickening crack echoed in the room and I felt bile rise in my throat.
'Damn bugs. They have a million dollar stadium but they can't get rid of the bugs.' My dad said with an annoyed look on his face.
A red veil covered my eyes and I grabbed his shoulder. I slammed my father against the wall with all the power I had within me. I started pounding on him with my fists.
'You bloody bastard.'
My fists hit his nose and neck. My father tried to defend himself but was surprised by my strength. I didn't stop! My father finally managed to push me away and I hit the wall with my head. The shock dazzled me for a minute and I shook my head to clear the pain. I struggled to get up but someone was holding me down. A pair of hands slipped around my head and held it in an iron grip. My head smacked several times into the wall. I started to feel dizzy and I tried to find the hands that were holding me. My mother screamed continuously. The high tones made my ears beep.
I was about to pass out when the banding stopped. My body jerked forward in an attempt to get away from the wall. I tried to focus on my mother but my vision was blurred. I did however notice that more people had entered the room. Bits of their conversation managed to get passed the dizziness in my head.
'...Just started...'
'...Onstage. The show has...'
'...Happened?'
'...Blood everywhere...'
Slowly the words started to swirl together into one inaudible word. I shock my head a few times but still I couldn't clear that fog. I tried to stand up. I wanted to lie down on the couch. The floor was cold and hard and my head started to throb. A warm hand was placed on my shoulder.
'Don't move Joshua.'
I turned my head to Chloe's voice.
'Missy is dead. He crushed her.' Warm tears flooded down my cheeks as I heard the sound of my father's shoe on the small cockroach echoing in my head.
Chloe's arms were wrapped around my shoulder and she softly swayed me.
'It's ok. I told Justin and they are singing a song for her. Just listen to the music.'
I closed my eyes and tried, honestly I tried to listen to the music but something was missing. I only heard 3 voices. A bass voice doing the lyrics I used to sing, a higher voice singing what he always sang and a voice doing two sets of lyrics at the same time. I reached up and wiped my face. I concentrated once again to hear that one voice that could bring me some peace. I sighed and opened my eyes. My hand was covered in a bright red substance. It stood out against the faded shapes of everything else that I saw through my blurred vision. I brought the hand back to my face and sniffed. It was blood. Not that I thought that I had paint on my hand but blood... I pushed Chloe away and tried to get up. I had to get to Justin. I was bleeding. Someone had hurt me so bad that I was bleeding. I rubbed my eyes to clear my vision and swayed on my legs. People started to talk at once. The same people that were here before and a new one. I reached out with my hand.
'Joshua!' His voice filled my ears. It numbed the screaming voices and urged them to be quiet. He grabbed my hand and pulled me close. We sank to our knees and I inhaled his scent. I wrapped one arm around his waist and the other around his shoulder.
'They hurt me.' I mumbled with my lips against the soft and warm skin of his neck.
His hand caressed my hair. I tried not to flinch when he gently examined the bleeding gash on my head.
'It's going to be ok.' Justin slowly rocked me back and forth. My eyelids became heavy and right before I drifted off to sleep I realised that the music was still playing and that I still heard voices singing.
Part 17
The nightmares started soon after that. I don't know if my second panic attack started them or the fact that Justin didn't dare to leave me alone for a single minute. There was someone with me all the time. I couldn't even go to the toilet by myself without someone following me. But even though Justin was there with me the whole time I managed to keep the nightmares away from him. I would wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and breathing like a horse. Each time I feared that Justin would be lying there awake, looking at me with his innocent blue eyes.
All the nightmares started out like a normal dream. Justin and I together, sharing kisses and sneaky touches. It is a nice day and Justin is wearing a sleeveless shirt. I can't help but drool just a little bit. The next moment we are driving my old car. Justin is behind the wheel and my hand is touching his neck, caressing his ears. We are having a laugh and Justin is just telling me how much he loves me when the car starts spinning. Justin starts screaming and I just sit there. Suddenly it's just Justin in the car. I'm standing on the pavement looking at him. The car is on fire. I can see the fear in Justin's eyes. He is screaming for help and I can't move. I can see the car fill with smoke. Justin is coughing. The window is jammed and he can't get it open. I can see the first flames appearing behind him and still I can't do anything. My legs won't move and when I open my mouth nothing comes out. The flames are now licking at Justin's bare arms and his screams fill my brain. I can see them burning his skin as he screams my name.
His screams still echo in my mind when I wake up. It takes me a few minutes to realise where I am. But than the guilt kicks in again. I was and still am responsible for the death of a man. In those hours before Justin wakes up and I'm too afraid to go to sleep I think about that family. The family that is missing a man but they don't know whether he is dead or alive and I do know. And I can't tell them. I can feel my sanity slipping away as I fight so hard to maintain it. I know how hurt Justin will be when I finally loose it. I struggle with those feelings daily. I didn't manage to shake off that feeling when I visited Mae and Ian for a week. Tyler and Justin fought over me for about 3 hours until I just left and took the bus down to Utah. I talked to both Mae and Ian about my feelings for Justin, the panic attacks and the constant monitoring of each move that I make. But they couldn't help me. They couldn't tell me how to hold onto that last bit of sanity. How to make sure that I wasn't going down that downward spiral without any security net?
I've been on automatic pilot for days now. I hardly sleep. As soon as I close my eyes I see the flames eating at Justin. I tend not to cling to Justin too much but I need to touch him. Only if it's just my finger on his arm or leg. I just need that contact so much. I need to feel that he is alive while I'm slowly dying inside. It's like the world is spinning around me and I can't grasp anything to steady it. I'm starting to see things. Weird things like pink dotted elephants and cars that change colours when they drive past with smoke and a screaming Justin inside. I don't even have to close my eyes anymore. I'm tired. I want to go to sleep. But I can't. We've got a big day ahead of us. Justin will announce my return. Joey JR. doesn't like it. I don't like it. Missy is dead and we've buried her. Justin is sleeping. I can hear him breathing. In-and-out. In-and-out. Joey JR. is awake. So am I. I need sleep. I'm so tired. I just want to let go. I just want to let go of that small thread that is holding me together and plunge into that darkness, the ever so sweet darkness, that's calling my name.
Part 18
'I don't want this.'
I stared at Justin and crossed my arms. Justin sighed and threw his hands in the air.
'We've talked about this. We don't have to sing or dance. All you need to do is sit there and answer her questions. Please?'
He pulled his puppy face and I frowned.
'I don't feel well. I want to go to bed.'
I took the farm in my arms and started to walk to the exit. Justin grabbed my arm and spun me around.
'We are at Rosie O'Donnell. I'm about to go on stage in 2 minutes. Don't do this to me.'
I titled my head to the side and looked at Justin.
'Don't do this to you? What about me? I don't want this Just, not now.'
'Why? Why did you agree in the first place and why are you backing out now?'
I lowered my gaze to the floor. I couldn't tell him why. He wouldn't understand.
I ran my fingers through my hair and shook my head.
'Never mind. It's your show today.'
Justin grabbed my hand and forced me to look at him. His big blue eyes were filled with concern.
'Tell me if you feel a panic attack coming ok?'
I laughed shortly. Should I tell him that I've been living in a panic attack for the past days?
Justin stepped a little closer and I could feel his body heat.
'I love you. Just remember that.'
His lips came closer and locked with mine. He gently nibbled at my lips, seeking entrance. I sighed and gave Justin what he wanted. The kiss ended when someone called out Justin's name. It was time for him to go on stage.
Justin gave me a genuine smile before the stage smile appeared on his face. He turned around and left me standing there.
I placed the farm on a table and watched Rosie introduce the four members of Nsync. Justin sat next to her and he spoke most of the time. He started to apologize for the way he behaved in the weeks after JC's death. He explained that he couldn't mourn as he thought JC was still alive. Hearing Justin speak about those events brought back memories. A sad feeling washed over me. I sat down next to the farm and opened it. Joey JR. was sitting on top and I took him in my hands. I carefully closed the lid again as I didn't want a repeat of Missy's death. I could hear the voices in my head, they were calling my name. They called me a murderer and a liar. They wouldn't go away no matter how hard I concentrated on Justin's voice or Joey JR. They were getting louder and louder. They were in my head, their fingers crawled over my skin.
'You're on.'
I turned my head to the man standing beside me. He was holding a clipboard and he was shaking my arm. I slowly slid of the table and made my way to the stage. I hesitated for a single second and the voices took control again. Justin was smiling at me and motioned me to sit down in the empty chair beside me. Rosie pulled me in a big hug and her perfume almost suffocated me.
'Welcome back JC.'
'My name is Joshua.'
I tried to make myself as small as possible. Maybe the camera wouldn't notice me than. Maybe she would stop talking to me.
'Joshua, how are you?'
'Fine.'
'Justin told us that this is all very weird for you. You've lost your memory and suddenly you are this big pop star. Are you remembering more things now? Are the past years with Nsync coming back to you?'
I scratched my chest. The voices were laughing in my head. They chanted the word liar repeatedly.
'I'm not going to sing. Justin said that I should sit here and answer your questions.'
Rosie patted my arm.
'That's ok. You don't have to sing. We all heard that you lived in Utah.'
I sat up a little.
'I was a cook and I played the piano.' I looked at Justin and smiled.
'I made a farm for my pets and they go with me all the time.'
Justin shook his head and bent forward. He surprised me and I moved away from him.
'It's a nice farm. It's from wood and it has a lid. I feed them myself.'
'What kind of farm is it?' Rosie seemed really interested and I opened my hand to show her Joey JR.
'Here's Joey JR. I named them all after the lads and my friends and just names that I liked.'
Rosie glanced at the bug in my hand. 'That's nice.' She said. She turned to Lance who was sitting on her other side and started talking to him.
I leaned closer to Justin and whispered, 'It's feeding time. I have to go and feed them.' My voice echoed through the studio and I nearly jumped out of my skin.
The audience started laughing and I felt horrible. Justin placed his hand over his microphone and pulled me closer.
'Please JC, fight the attack. Not now. Not on national television.'
I stared at Justin. He seemed ashamed of me. I looked at Chris and my eyes met his angry stare. Joey stared at his shoes, his pretty shoes but I could see that he was mad at me too.
It suddenly dawned on me that Justin had called me JC. I closed my eyes for a second. The voices were screaming. Every sound drowned in their high toned shrieks. I opened my eyes again and stared at the table where I had left the farm. Justin's empty coffee cup was still on the table but the farm was gone. I blinked a few times and looked again but still the table remained empty.
I started to shift in my chair. I quickly turned my head to the other side of the studio to see if they had moved it to there. But there was nothing there either. The voices started laughing. They knew that this was going to happen. I should have listened to them. This was a bad idea.
Justin placed his hand on my arm. 'Are you ok?'
I tried to focus on Justin's face but the screams were so loud. I clutched my head and started humming. I silently begged the voices to stop. I needed them to stop now.
But they didn't. They continued to laugh and scream.
Someone tugged at my arm. I violently shook my head.
'Leave me alone. Stop! Stop!'
I started to whimper. The tones were too high for my ears. I couldn't take this anymore.
'Joshua, you are crushing Joey. Give him to me.'
Justin's voice sounded so far away. I relaxed my hand and Justin took Joey JR. Someone else grabbed my free hand and pulled me to my feet.
'Just keep on walking until I say stop.' It was Chris. His voice was cold and harsh.
Chris gave me a little push and my feet started to move.
I needed to clear my head. I needed to find a way to make the voices stop.
'Where's the farm?'
'It's right here. They put it in the dressing room.' That voice was Lance. His tone was soft yet filled with anger.
I sat down on the couch and wiped my eyes. I had been crying without knowing it. I raised my head and stared at the four men in front of me. Joey had his hand on Chris' shoulder to prevent him from moving. Lance bluntly stared at me not even trying to hide his anger. Justin sat down next to me.
'You promised that you would tell me when you felt another attack coming.'
I looked at Justin.
'It started 3 days ago.' I mumbled. Justin's mouth fell open and he slowly rose to his feet.
'We have to get back there with Rosie. I'll tell her that you have a migraine attack.'
His hand touched my hair for a split second and then the door closed behind them.
I was all alone. I took a deep breath and decided to give in. The voices had won and I had lost the battle.