I would just like to say thanks for all your wonderful email. They're very encouraging and uplifting!
Disclaimer: The following chapter is part of a work of fiction. I do not know the orientation of the BSB or Nsync. If you guys have comments, just email me (ngclle@yahoo.com). Emails are always welcomed. If you have advice, I'm all ears!
The cool waters brushed against Nick's feet as he left it dangling in the stream. He hoped it would help him cool off, and it did, for a while. But as the hours passed by and the darkness was replaced by a little shimmer of light, Nick's restlessness was exacerbated. He stared into the water and all he could see were faces of the past, smirking and taunting him. He closed his eyes, hoping to catch a little sleep before the sun rose.
Eventually, when the first crack of dawn approached, Nick's eyes fluttered and finally closed and he drifted off to a short, fragmented nap. His sleep was so light that he immediately awoke at the sound of the frogs crying out their mating calls nearby. Taking it as his cue, Nick stood up and wiped the sleep off his eyes.
With great reluctance, he walked back to where the others had slept, careful to keep his footsteps light so as to not disturb their slumber. As he neared the site, he could still see Brian's and Lance's forms cuddled together near the fire with the kidnapper's sleeping form not too far away. He looked around and saw the woven net with the fish, now dead, caught in the net. Slowly, Nick walked to the fish and grabbed them gently.
He decided to prepare the fish so that the others would have some food when they awoke. He walked away, his steps light and cautious. He decided to skin the fish near the beach far away so that he wouldn't disturb the others. Feeling more useful, he headed off towards the sound of the waves hitting against the rocks. He enjoyed this freedom and wildness a lot. Rarely was he able to walk without his shoes into green forests and sandy beaches without attention.
Once at the beach, Nick gasped, mesmerized by its alluring beauty. He had been so tired and upset the day before that he did not have a chance to properlly view this land properly. Soon, thoughts of his horrid past slipped away as hopes of a better future entered his mind.
Before long, Nick was so lost in thought that he did not hear the footsteps heading his way. He jumped nearly three feet in the air when a hand was placed on his shoulder.
"Sorry," Lance immediately apologized as Nick was trying to calm down. He looked the younger man once over and felt guilty.
Nick smiled weakly. "It's okay."
"You didn't say much last night," Lance began, not averting the issue. He looked at Nick expectantly, knowing that Nick would reveal something about the night before. He was dying to know everything that happened between Nick and the kidnapper. The suspense was driving him crazy. And this was his chance. Brian was still sleeping. Lance had to get to Nick first. His patience was thinning. He didn't think he could wait for Nick to make the first move any longer. He needed to let Nick know.
"I . . . was ashamed. I guess . . . " Nick began until Lance stopped him.
"First of all, what happened?" Lance pressed.
Nick looked down at the sand. Lance continued to stare at Nick. The kidnapper's shirt remained unbuttoned and the boxers were soiled with dirt. Lance knew that they had to have been laying on the ground. Nick's voice was soft. "He tried to . . . umm . . . have sex with me."
Lance's expression remained calm. He had guessed that much. "Did you want it to happen?"
Nick shook his head slowly. Lance lifted his hand to pull Nick's face upwards so that their eyes met. Lance's heart skipped a few more beats as he started to understand why the kidnapper was so desperate. He too was feeling the intensity of the attraction. "Nick," Lance whispered, his lips barely brushing against Nick's. Before he knew what was going on, he moved forward and pressed his face to Nick's.
He could feel the hesitation in Nick, but for some reason, he didn't care. He used his arms to grab Nick so that the younger man couldn't walk away. To his surprise, Nick didn't try to resist. Rather, the younger man slowly gave in. They were locked in that position for nearly five minutes.
Slowly, Lance stopped the kiss. He kicked his head back and looked smugly at Nick, knowing that he had won his heart. Nick looked sideways, avoiding Lance's stare. All the while, Lance's arms were still comfortably drawn around his body.
Lance smiled. "Was that my cue to ask you if you want to be my boyfriend?"
Nick looked mystified. "Lance, I . . . I mean I like that, but I . . . don't think I'm ready, not yet."
Lance smiled warmly, disregarding Nick's doubts. "Nick, I know it's a big commitment. You don't have to worry about it just yet. If you need time, I'm sure we have all the time in the world. Tell me how long?" Lance knew not to push it, but he also knew that a little pressure would speed things up for him as well.
Nick only looked more flustered. "I mean . . . I'm not ready psychologically."
"Woah, that's a pretty big word for you, Nick," Lance said, trying to lighten up the mood. He could feel the tension radiating from Nick. "Would you at least think about it though?" He was not going to give up. This was his chance, and he knew it.
Nick's face was turning red from the heat inside of him. "Lance, I . . . there are some things . . . I don't think I can give you a satisfying relationship. I can't make you happy." Nick was trying hard to explain himself, but Lance read his words in a different way.
"Look, I know you're a virgin. Don't get me wrong. I'm not really in it for the sex. I'm willing to take it slow. I mean I can give you the time that you want. You don't have to worry Nick."
Lance realized that he said something wrong when Nick's face twitched. Nick backed away. "Nick, tell me what's wrong. Are you upset that I said you're a virgin? Please, it's nothing bad, really. I just wanted you to know that I think you're the purest, most innocent guy in the whole world."
Nick looked even more remorseful. "I'm not pure. Lance, I'm not innocent."
Lance immediately realized how wrong his assumption was. "Oh." He paused, unsure of how to take this new piece of information. He finally regained the strength and continued. "But Nick, it's okay if you've explored it with someone else. I mean, I don't mind. Really. Just calm down." Lance moved forward.
But Nick's face remained guilt-stricken. "Lance, I don't want to lie to you. I've . . . I've slept with more men than you could possibly count. I've done it for money, too. Lance, I'm not really who you think I am. I'm disgusting. I'm . . . " But Nick couldn't think of anything else to say.
Lance gulped, trying to take in this even greater piece of information. When his next words came out, his voice was squeaky. "You mean you slept with men . . . and for money?"
Nick didn't reply.
Lance continued to press him on. "So you are telling me that you were paid for sexual favors?"
Nick nodded, afraid to look at Lance.
Lance felt as if a ton of bricks had crushed him right there. Something about the image of his Nick sexually satisfying other men felt sour and disgusting. The Nick he knew and loved suddenly didn't look that appetizing anymore. Rather, Lance began to see him as a wild animal-unbridled and primitive.
Lance couldn't believe the words coming out of Nick's mouth. His first instinct was to have sex with Nick right there. Then he would be satisfied. That's right. Satisfy his lust first. Then deal with the rest later. He didn't know why those troubling thoughts entered his mind, and he felt ashamed. But with shame came anger. He didn't know why he was angry. He just felt an intense hatred, perhaps towards Nick or perhaps towards those men that had "enjoyed" Nick's company.
After careful deliberation, he decided to walk away. He didn't go far when he felt Nick's arms around his.
"Please, Lance. Don't be mad. I mean I just didn't want to lie to you or hold anything back. I do want to have a relationship with you." Nick pleaded.
Lance turned around and glared at Nick, an overwhelming fury mixed with unbridled lust crept into his mind once again. He pushed Nick back until Nick lost his balance and fell to the ground. Lance didn't know why he was acting so cruel. Without further warning, he dived down and kissed Nick hard on the lips relentlessly, applying as much force as his hormones commanded.
He could hear Nick struggle, but he could care less. Obviously, Nick must be enjoying it. Didn't prostitutes think of nothing but sex? He didn't give Nick the chance to take a breath when he pushed his lips harder against Nick, forcing his tongue into Nick's mouth. All the while his hands fell to Nick's boxers and pulled hard, ripping it in the process. He could feel Nick's animal-like body squirm beneath him, but he didn't care. He needed his lust to be satisfied and at that moment, he felt no remorse.
So this was how that kidnapper felt. Lance was starting to think that the kidnapper was pretty damn smart. Why play around and think so hard about winning Nick's heart when he could just as easily have sex with him. Lance stopped the kissing for a moment to taunt the blond. "Come on, show me your moves." With that, he took off Nick's shirt and began to toy with Nick's body.
He was already stiff and ready. He ground his groins into Nick's and felt Nick stiffen. He smiled, knowing that Nick was responding. Of course, it didn't take a lot of effort to arouse a prostitute. The more Lance forced himself upon Nick, the angrier and rougher his moves became.
Lance felt his own pants tighten around his pelvis. He relieved himself of his articles of clothing and ground his naked pelvis into Nick once again, feeling his bare skin brush roughly against Nick's bare groins. He grabbed Nick's stiffness and rubbed it, making Nick moan. He smiled sourly, suddenly realizing that Nick was exactly what he expected of prostitutes--cheap and easy.
Nick was turning into a sex-crazed animal right in front of his eyes. "Come on, satisfy me!" Lance called out to Nick. He quickly relieved himself of his shirt as well and now, both of them were naked.
Nick moaned even louder as Lance began to rub their groins together even more. By now, Lance was positioned so that he was straddling Nick. Nick's breathing was shallow and rapid. Lance felt that he could have Nick do whatever he wanted right then. He moved upwards until his stiffness was in Nick's face. As if on cue, Nick took it in his mouth automatically and sucked it sensuously. Lance began pushed his stiffness in all the way and savored the warmth of Nick's mouth against his manhood.
Lance began to thrust in and out of Nick's mouth, feeling nothing but pleasure from his actions. He didn't care anymore. It hurt to know that Nick was as cheap as he was, but Lance couldn't change Nick's history. And from Nick's actions right now, he could totally picture Nick stripping in a bar in front of tons of other men.
Before he climaxed, Lance pulled himself from Nick and positioned himself so that they were face to face. He then started to kiss Nick again as his hands reached down to caress Nick's stiffness. He grabbed it and began to massage it roughly. Nick's eyes were closed by now from excitement. Together, they pushed against each other. Lance held both of their manhoods in one hand and massaged both of them together. Finally, after 15 minutes of teasing, both orgasmed at the same time.
When done, Lance collapsed onto Nick who simply had an empty look to his eyes. Lance glared at him and was about to get off when Nick grabbed his arm.
Nick looked at him sadly. "So was that what you wanted to prove? That I am cheap and accessible? Well, you have proven your point. Feel free anytime."
With that said, Nick pushed Lance aside and stood up, holding the tears back. He grabbed his ripped boxers and the shirt and started to walk away. "I'll never forget this."
With that, Nick left, leaving Lance with an unresolved anger. Lance bit his lip. In a way, he felt satisfied. He didn't know why he did as he did, but the thought of Nick sleeping with countless other men disturbed him deeply. The beautiful image of an innocent Nick was quickly fading from his mind. He was hurt! He knew that was the reason why he had forced Nick into those positions a few minutes ago.
But he could not control his impulsiveness. And Nick didn't do anything to disprove his beliefs. Nick gave in so readily to the sex. If Nick wasn't materialistic, why did he yield to the sex? Why did he let Lance explore and arouse him?
The more Lance thought about it, the less doubt he felt. What he did was right. He had proved that Nick actually sought pleasure in sex. Maybe his impression of Nick was wrong. Maybe, Nick had been this shallow, promiscuous, dirty person all along and he was so blind not to see it.
But a part of him ached for his loss. He had wanted Nick's heart, not just his body. It seemed that he had gone about it the wrong way. He hadn't enjoyed that little sex scene one bit. If anything, he was disgusted--the way he did it out of whim rather than love. He wanted his first time with Nick to be special. But what they just did was quick, cheap and dirty. The only thing that guided them through that little session was their primitive sexual aggression.
There was too much anger on his part and too much raw sex on Nick's part. He thought about how all of Nick's moves were automatic, as if the sex was an extension of his own body. Nick was so professionally sex-crazed that it sickened Lance. And all this time, he had held onto this angelic portrait of the blond boy.
His thoughts soon drifted to the way Nick looked. He had to admit though that Nick's body impressed him. As angry as he was, if he had the choice, he would do it all over again with Nick.
Nick stormed off, not really knowing in which direction he was going. He just wanted to get away. He didn't know why all those things happened. He didn't understand why he suddenly gave in to Lance.
Well, actually, he did. Because he liked Lance, more than as a friend. He was just too blind to admit it. And when Lance came on to him so strongly, he couldn't control himself and had to go back to how he was a long time ago--cheap. He couldn't help it, though. When Lance touched him, he felt ecstatic. His hormones and sexual instincts took over and he let his body control the situation.
As much as he hated to admit it, he loved the sex. He felt dirty when he was paid to do those sexual favors for his father as a child, but he couldn't deny that a part of him enjoyed the sex just as much as his 'customers' did. Many times, when he stripped for them, he felt the pleasure of being admired. He loved the way they touched him. And he felt ashamed for that. He knew it was wrong. He knew that being paid for sex was illegal, but he did it not only because his father needed the money, but because he loved the way the other men touched him.
And when Lance approached him a while ago, those memories of ecstasy resurfaced. The desire for sex came back strong. He cursed himself. What was wrong with him? He felt so ironic. He knew that sexual favors were wrong, yet why couldn't he stop them?
He liked Lance a lot, and he just blew his chance of ever having a normal, loving relationship with him. Lance probably won't ever consider him seriously again. He would be just another sex toy for him. He felt like burying himself under the sand.
Why did things suddenly turn out for the worst? Quickly, he headed back to the stream that he had slept by earlier. As he saw the blueness, he jumped into it. He needed to wash away the pain and the guilt. He wanted to also do away with his past. He let out the tears freely now. He let the self-battering begin just as it did in his childhood. He began to use his hands to pound on his head, cursing himself. He hated himself to the point that he wanted to explode.
He didn't know why such a creature as disgusting as himself were even created. Why didn't lightning strike him and char his body to the core? Why was he still alive?
Lance began to head back to where Brian and the kidnapper lay, probably still asleep. Lance didn't know whether to tell Brian, but it only felt right to inform Brian so that he wasn't kept in the dark.
Before he got anywhere, though, he heard the sound of a helicopter from up above. Immediately he looked up and smiled as he saw two forms. One of them was Justin! Lance waved frantically, motioning for the helicopter to land. The other figure was that of Nick's father? Strange, why was Nick's father here? Lance wasn't too thrilled, but decided to cover it up for now.
The helicopter landed and the two jumped out.
"Where are Brian and Nick?" Nick's father asked excitedly.
"Umm, they're back there." Lance pointed to the trees, still awkward with having to talk to Nick's father after what just happened a few minutes ago.
"Are they okay?" Justin asked worriedly. Typical Justin.
"Yeah," Lance managed. "They're just a little worn out. And there's also the guy that tried to kidnap Nick."
"What?!!!!!" Justin and Nick's father cried out simultaneously. Nick's father had this look of wonder rather than fear on his face, which again, Lance thought was odd, but he brushed it aside.
"Someone tried to kidnap him?" Nick's father pressed.
"Yeah," Lance answered nonchalantly.
"Well, where is that bastard?" Justin immediately raised his voice. "I'll give him a thing or two!"
"Calm down, Justin," Nick's father responded in a soothing tone. He didn't appear worried at all. "Let's find them first."
Lance stared at Nick's father a while before he nodded and began to lead them towards the place where they slept last night. When they finally got there, only Brian's sleeping form lay near the fire. Lance stepped up to him and shook him. "Wake up, Bri."
Brian's eyes fluttered as he awoke. His eyes widened when he saw Justin and Nick's father. "Justin? Randy?" Brian was surprised to see Nick's father there.
"Where's Nick?" Randy asked. Again, something about the way he talked was wrong. His voice was less compassion and more anxiety. No one answered to Randy's question.
"I'm here!" Nick suddenly popped out from no where, his hair wet and his body dripping with water. The wave of shock registered on Nick's face as he saw who had asked about him. Father and son gazed at each other with uncertainty. Lance noticed that Nick had a troubled, yet otherwise unreadable expression on his face. The big blue eyes were wide.
Nick's father ran up to him and gave him a big hug. Nick returned the hug back.
"I missed you," his father said in a calm, soothing tone.
"Really?" Nick asked hopefully. His eyes were wide as if he were just given a present.
Nick's father smiled. "Yeah. Listen, why don't you and I have some quality time to ourselves tonight. Father and son." Lance couldn't place his finger on it, but something about Radny's demeanor was disturbing, but he let it go as images of Nick's dirty, cheap act entered his mind again. He looked at Brian and Justin and the three of them headed back to the helicopter. Thoughts of the kidnapper were long forgotten by the time they arrived back home.
Nick didn't even bother to report the incident, thinking that the kidnapper was harmless enough. ************
Nick didn't know why, but his father's presence brought him relief. He was so upset with the whole Lance ordeal that he needed an escape. Perhaps he and his father could spend some quality time. Yeah! Then maybe his past could be soothed. What he needed to do was re-establish a working relationship with his father again. And maybe, his childhood would be more meaningful.
And once he sorted out all the troubling issues from his past, he could prove to Lance that he was worth the time. Even though his relationship with Lance was not concrete at that moment, Nick knew that there was something there. But he had to take the initiative now if he were to have a successful relationship. He had to stop pitying himself and start resolving the issues.
Besides, his father loved him, didn't he? The reason why his father had forced Nick to perform sexual favors was because they needed the money. It was a noble cause. After thinking through the whole issue, Nick realized that his problem was not being open about the past with his father. That was what he would do tonight. He would tell his father that he forgave him and that things would be for the better now.
He wanted so much to dampen the pain of the past. There was never one minutes in his life that he didn't have flashbacks or panic attacks thinking about the things he did.
As he washed himself in the shower, Nick ran over the impending monologue that only his father was to hear. But try as he might, he felt uneasy about the whole thing. Why was his father here? He always wanted to spend time with his father, but in the past few years, his father had never taken the initiative before. The thoughts continued to circle in his mind.
Nick came out of the shower to see his father sitting in the living room. Nick smiled shyly. "So what do you want to do tonight?" Nick asked. "Do you want me to cook you some dinner? I have salmon."
Randy shook his head. "Listen Nick. How about we go out. I know this place that's pretty exotic and . . . "
"But wouldn't it be better if we had more privacy?" Nick asked. "Besides, your suddenly showing up is still too exciting for me. I'm sorry I wasn't able to greet you better."
"Naw, that's okay. Come on, I found the perfect place. Just the two of us."
Nick smiled. "If you already took the time to find this place, then . . . "
Randy smiled slyly. "Just my boy. Come on. I know it will be fun." 'And we might get some business done!' Randy thought to himself contentedly.
Meanwhile, Lance, Justin, and Brian sat in Brian's room, each seated comfortably on a lazy-boy. None offered to initiate the conversation as all were lost in their own world. Finally, after a few minutes of awkwardness, Lance began.
"I just wanted to talk . . . about Nick." Justin's and Brian's eyes widened at the sound of that name. Lance had called them earlier to talk about some 'issues'. Both Brian and Justin agreed, but both were also surprised when they found out that Nick wouldn't be attending.
"Is that why he's not here?" Brian asked suspiciously. "So we can talk about him rather than with him?" The tone in Brian's voice was biting and sharp.
"What about him?" Justin asked, trying to take away some of Brian's edge.
"Geez, Justin, you don't have to sound so anxious," Brian answered, slightly annoyed.
"Stop it, guys." Lance felt himself started to heat up. "All right. Let me just get it out. I called you both here because I feel that we need to deal with certain issues concerning Nick that have been troubling me lately. Also, I didn't want to keep you guys in the dark."
"And so?" Brian continued with his edginess. Something didn't sound right. Was it the way Lance was talking or was it the fact that all three guys that were sitting in the room were hopelessly devoted to Nick?
Brian knew too well. It was becoming a game where the ultimate goal is Nick. But things are becoming a little out of hand. Was Lance trying to pull something on himself and Justin in order to claim Nick?
Brian looked over to see Justin's face full of ambiguity. He was starting to hate the competition. Somewhere along the line, he knew it was going to get nasty. He just hoped that no one, especially Nick, would get hurt in this game of conquest.