I don't know where to start my thank you's. But thank you to all those who emailed me. You guys are wonderful and have given me the encouragement to continue on.
Disclaimer: This is the regular disclaimer. Anyone under 18 shouldn't read on. This story is not true and does not reflect the sexualities or orientations of the BSB or Nsync.
And please, don't anyone be offended. This is only fiction!!!
Justin stared at Nick's sleeping form. Unlike the previous time they were together, last night felt strange. Nick had yielded to everything that he did, but in a way, there was no passion to it. And though they now shared a bed, their bare skins brushed against one another, Justin felt lost. It was as if Nick didn't love him.
The tears streamed down Justin's face, each painfully reminding him of Nick's words. "I'm sorry, Just." Such painful words coming out of the one person he wanted so much. How could love be so painful? He had done everything that Nick could possibly ask for. He was caring. He loved. He cherished. He appreciated all the little things that Nick did. But what was holding Nick back like this? What force could possibly make Nick not enjoy the sex with Justin.
Lance? Brian? Or Moju? Which of them had blinded Nick to the point that Nick started to become more wary, less willing? It was as if Nick wanted to save whatever chastity he had left for someone, but was too gentle to refuse Justin's advances.
Moju? No. He was gone. Out of the picture. No threat.
Lance? Possibly. But Lance had backed away from a relationship, and Nick did not do anything to stop him.
Brian . . . now there's someone to fear. Nick had looked so happy the morning after he and Brian had a dinner date. But how could someone like Brian make Nick fall in love with him? In terms of age, Justin was more youthful. In terms of looks, could anyone deny that Justin was more appealing. At least, that was what JC had told him. Then why was Nick acting so blind?
Justin traced his fingers around Nick's strong jaw. He had to do something about that face. If Nick kept this going, Justin would die! Literally speaking. He couldn't lose Nick. Not when he was so close.
With one strong motion, he turned his body over so that he was on top of Nick. That motion was enough to wake Nick up. Justin quickly pressed his lips on Nick, not letting Nick have time to react. His arms roamed Nick's body, groping, grasping, massaging-anything that could quench his sexual desire.
When Nick's mind was alert and oriented, he nudged Justin and pushed him so that he could breathe. "Just, what are you doing?" Nick cried out, exasperated.
Justin smiled innocently. "I had this nightmare, and . . . "
"And what?" Nick asked, baffled.
"You left me to die in this desert. You told me that you would find help, and you never returned!" Justin pouted.
"Just, it was only a dream!" Nick's bare body shook under the blanket.
"Then prove it!" Justin cried out.
"What?" Nick asked, confused.
"Prove that you won't leave me. Prove that you won't abandon me!" Justin pleaded, the tears forming in his eyes. "I don't want that to happen. I would never live if that were the case. You know, I would kill myself!"
Nick stared in shock at Justin's hysterical form. "Just, don't do that. You're scaring me. You're my friend. I would never abandon you if your life were in danger!"
"How can you say we're just friends. We slept with each other last night! Do regular friends do that? Do friends share the same bed and kiss each other with so much passion? Do friends lie naked in each other's beds? Do friends make love to each other? What are you trying to say, Nick?" Justin's voice was getting louder, feeding into his anger.
Nick shook his head, trying to defend himself, but he couldn't think of anything to say. "You wanted to . . . "
"You could have said no! Why didn't you say no? Was it because you needed someone, or some body, to satisfy you? And then, boom! You don't need me anymore. I've served my purpose, right? I gave you sex." Justin's fingers dug into Nick's soft, bare arms.
Nick pushed Justin off and drew the blankets around him. "Don't do this, Justin. You were so sad last night. I wanted to . . . make you feel better." Nick's voice became soft.
Justin laughed. "You wanted to make me feel better? You took advantage of my vulnerability!" Justin's eyes were dark and brooding now.
Nick, who now looked flustered, stared back at Justin, his eyes showing only misery. Without another word, he turned around to get off the bed, his eyes roaming the room for his clothes.
Justin grabbed his wrists, forcing him back on the bed. "You were mine. You always were mine. You'll always be mine!" With that, Justin pressed his lips down hard on Nick's. His hands clasped Nick's and forced Nick down on the bed. The power was so intoxicating. He could feel the control he had over Nick's body. Justin was starting to understand how deep his desire for Nick was. He would never ever let Nick go. Nick was his to keep.
Brian stepped into the dance studio. He sighed. He was the earliest one there that morning. Well, usually, he didn't' come that early, but he was so anxious to see Nick, at least for an extra long while. Plus, he thought he would ask if Nick wanted to go shopping or do something fun that day after practice. It was nearing the end of the week. One more week and he and Nick would share rooms in a hotel somewhere in some city the US. The thought was enough to make Brian smile.
He could think of ten million things they could do while they shared a room--watch tv, eat, play video games, write music, cuddle . . . that last thought made Brian shiver a little from excitement. He rolled his eyes at himself. All Nick did was agree to share a room and Brian was on cloud nine. He was in too deep, already!
As Brian paced about the dance studio, a clicking of the door made him jump. He turned around and was shocked to see Nick standing there, shivering. Immediately, Brian sensed that something was wrong. Nick was pale and jittery. His blond hair was ruffled, but it didn't seem to be because of the light wind outside.
Brian ran towards Nick hoping to catch him before he collapsed. He was a little too late and Nick's limp body lay on the ground. He hit his head on the way down and when Brian was able to lift his face, Brian could see the bruise that had started to form on Nick's head. "Oh, Nick!" Brian uttered.
Nick's tears streamed down his flustered face as he looked away from Brian shamefully. Brian gently pulled Nick's face back so that he could see those sad blue eyes. With some effort, he managed to pull Nick up so that they could find a more private place to talk. He found a dark hallway and eased Nick all the way to the back and found a small room at the back. He gently placed Nick on the mats on the floor.
Then he gazed into those beautiful blue eyes. "Nick," Brian whispered soothingly. "Tell me what happened."
Nick suddenly hugged him so tight, he didn't know what to think. "Brian?" Nick asked, wavering.
"Yeah?"
"Am I cheap and easy?" Nick asked solemnly.
Brian yanked Nick gently so that he could look at Nick's face. "No! You're just too gentle. And that's why people try to use you. Nick, you're a beautiful guy. And the problem is that every guy becomes attracted to you. And sometimes, they try to hurt you. Has anyone . . . ummm . . . did Lance or Justin try to . . . " Brian felt unsure. How should he approach this subject so that Nick wouldn't feel offended.
Nick closed his eyes, and for a moment, Brian thought that he had fainted or was unconscious. Nervously, Brian ran his fingers through Nick's hair, just to let him know that Brian was still there.
Nick's voice came out barely as a whisper. "But so many people tell me that I'm only good in bed."
Brian felt the anger rise within him. "Who dared say that, Nick? That's a lie. They're trying to hurt you so that you would lower your defenses against them. Nick," Brian pleaded. "Don't listen to that. That is completely BS."
Nick became quiet all of a sudden. He stopped shivering. Then, in a calm, emotionless voice, he responded. "My father used to say that I was Orlando's whore. Anyone of his friends could do me anytime they liked. But then, it wasn't only his friends. It was his friends' friends. And then, I remember that we went around to bars, and he would put me in this dark room. And so many guys would come into the room. I was so scared. Some of them were probably in their twenties. They were really rough. They tied me to the bed. They would give me lots of drugs. I didn't know what kind of drugs. I knew that one of them was ecstasy.
It was so hard to remember when they were done. I was scared my father would leave me. But he came back in the morning. And when I woke up, they were still inside of me. They wanted me to give them an eye opener in the morning so that they could start their day. I was so scared. Sometimes, up to five men would be in the room. They were so big. And they hurt so much when they were inside of me. I promised myself that once I got out of that place, I would never let anyone enter me again, not like how they did it.
It hurt, Brian. I hurt so bad. My dad told me that a little lubricant would make me feel better. But some of them were so big. I begged them to stop. They would always be rougher after I said that. They said I was tight, cheap and easy. Even my dad said I was a good whore, that I was tight and easy. And now . . . " Nick stopped himself, allowing Brian to digest the horrid words that just came out of his mouth.
Brian finally found his voice. "Nick, did your father ever . . . touch you like that?"
Nick averted Brian's gaze.
Brian looked at Nick painfully. "Did he fondle you?"
Again, Nick remained quiet. His lips trembled and his body shook.
Brian's voice became almost squeaky. "Did he try to force you to have intercourse with him?"
Nick's eyes focused on the floor. Finally, he put an end to Brian's fears. "He told me that he loved me." Nick's voice was barely a whisper, but Brian heard every word loud and clear.
Brian gently pulled Nick's face towards him again. "He not only forced you to sleep with other men, but he also took advantage of you, didn't he?" Although it was a question, Brian's tone made it seem more like a statement.
Nick was deathly silent.
Brian nudged his chin. "Something had to have triggered this. Nick, did Lance or Justin . . . did either of them try to force you to . . . "
Before Brian could finish, Nick pulled away. "No! None of them tried to do anything. It was just that . . . Justin was upset."
Brian could hear Nick's hard breathing. He wasn't going to kill Justin until he heard what Nick had to say. Nick shook all over by now, as he continued. "Justin was hurt because I told him that I didn't love him. He had every right to be angry. He . . . only tried to show his love. He didn't mean to hurt me like this. He didn't know I would be so hysterical. I don't even know why I'm like this . . . "
"Nick!" Brian had to cry out in order for Nick to hear his voice above his own sobs. Nick was too fragile. He was falling apart, and Brian couldn't stop him. "Don't do this to yourself," Brian pleaded. "Justin had no right to do anything to you. No one has any right to do anything. Look, Nick, the first thing that has to happen is that you must calm down. Look at me!" Brian tried to pull Nick's face towards his. "Look at me, Nick! I'm here for you. This is Brian. Please trust me! I won't let any of them near you, especially now."
Just when he could feel Nick pulling back even more into his world, Brian heard the footsteps in the hallway. Brian prayed that it was neither Lance nor Justin. G-d help him.
The door flung open, and to Brian's relief, he saw Kevin walk into the room. "Kev! Help me! Nick is withdrawing. He's pulling away!" Brian tried not to scream so that Nick wouldn't be scared.
Kevin immediately ran towards the younger boy and looked at his face in concern. "Don't pull or tug on him too hard, Brian," Kevin warned his cousin. "Nick has body memories that you might trigger. You know, memories about his past sexual experiences."
Brian looked in horror at Kevin. "But Justin had already done that!"
"What?!!!" Kevin cussed under his breath.
As Nick pulled away from Brian's hand, Brian held the blond boy's hand tighter. Nick's eyes suddenly registered the fright. "No! Don't touch me! Get off!!!!" Nick screamed as he pulled his arm away from Brian.
Brian panicked, trying to pull Nick in for a hug, but Nick only shouted more. "Stop!!!! I will do anything. Just don't hurt me! I promise I'll do anything you want."
Kevin grabbed Brian's arms and tried to pry them off Nick. "Brian, let go!!!!"
Brian looked at Kevin as he panicked even more. "But he's . . . "
"Let go!" Kevin commanded.
Brian immediately weakened his grasp on Nick. He felt the pain when Nick pulled himself back to a corner and hovered there fearfully. Nick buried his face in his arms. The sight pierced Brian's heart. He couldn't bear to look at it, but he couldn't leave the room, afraid that he wouldn't be there when Nick needed him.
Brian looked at Kevin, trying to not put too much focus on Nick, hoping that Nick would calm down on his own. "You knew about Randy and you didn't do anything about the man?" Brian felt himself get hot from the name.
Kevin looked evenly at Randy. "Think Brian! If Randy went public, Nick could never show himself again. It was humiliating, yes! But as much as Randy and his 'friends' didn't want to go to jail, Nick also didn't want to publicize anything. Plus, Nick has to learn to be strong to fight off Randy. Besides, Randy hadn't done a thing to him since he joined us."
Brian felt himself sicken. He began to wonder. Had Randy really done nothing last week when he suddenly appeared out of the blue and then disappear before any of them knew it?
Kevin looked at Brian's face. It was lined with nothing but wrinkles and pain. "Brian, you've got to let Nick find his own strength."
Brian sighed. "I know you want him to learn to be strong, Kevin. But unlike you, I love him too much. I know you love him as a brother. But do you know how it feels to be so helpless. I can't help him at all. And now, knowing that so many people around him are hurting him . . . do you honestly think I can sit here and only listen to him as he gets hurt by them?"
Kevin remained silent.
Brian swallowed. "I'm not that strong. And I don't want to pretend to be that strong. Look at him!" Brian urged Kevin to look at Nick's scared figure huddling in the corner. "He needs more than a shoulder to cry on. He needs someone he can trust, someone who will always be there to ward off people like Randy. He shouldn't be living in that house alone. He shouldn't be facing anyone alone. He's not ready! And with everything that's happening, he's even more fragile than before."
Kevin slowly nodded as the tears formed in his eyes. "I never really thought about it."
"You mean well Kevin. I know because that's the way you handled things. You want him to be able to protect himself when we're not around. I know you mean well, cuz. But we're stronger than he is. We can stand up for ourselves. He can't. Not with a past like his. Don't you see Kev? He didn't develop as normally as we did. He didn't have a normal childhood. And if you think that being on tour with us also provided him with a normal adolescence, then you're not thinking straight."
Kevin nodded, looked at Nick, and slowly walked towards the blond boy. Brian followed closely behind. The two inched their way until they were close enough to touch Nick, but not too close as to make him claustrophobic.
They suddenly noticed that Nick had remained extremely quiet throughout their conversation. If he had heard them, then hopefully, he knew that he could trust them.
Brian smiled gently and placed his hand on Nick's knees. To his relief, Nick didn't try to move away. Slowly, he put his hands over Nick's hands and pulled him away from the corner. Nick didn't fight back. "Come Nick. How about you wash your face with warm water. Kevin here will tell Fatima that you're tired and sick and we'll go have breakfast at any restaurant you want. Okay?"
As Nick slowly got up, Kevin moved to his other side and supported him. Kevin and Brian slowly got him to the locker room and turned the faucet on until lukewarm water began to pour. Kevin grabbed a small towel and wet it while Brian coaxed Nick. Nick didn't fight, but he didn't respond either.
Once done, Kevin bit his lip. "Are you sure you will be okay with him?" Kevin asked Brian.
"No," Brian answered honestly. "Are any of our bodyguards in town?"
Kevin nodded. "Matt's here. I'll give him a call. He's pretty trustworthy."
Brian nodded.
Justin rushed into the dance studio, his hands shaking from fear. Where could Nick be? His Durango was in the parking lot.
The only person he could see inside was Kevin, and the look on Kevin's face didn't look too appetizing. But Justin didn't care. He had to find Nick. He quickly rushed up to Kevin and immediately felt the repulsion in the older man.
"Where's Nick?" Justin begged.
Kevin's green eyes only stared back at him with disdain and scorn. "Let him go, Justin."
"I beg your pardon?" Justin tried to reply as calmly as possible.
Kevin's eyes revealed nothing. "He's not here. He's taking some time off to recover. So you probably won't see him for a few days."
Justin felt the heat rise within him. "Who are you to judge me?" Justin accused. "You don't know what happened and you're already blaming me! Don't you see that I love him?"
Kevin only looked more solemn. "If you love him, then let him get some rest. He's very gentle, but that doesn't mean that he can take everything. He's not strong enough mentally that you can put pressure on him."
Justin eyed Kevin warily. Kevin was Brian's cousin. Naturally they would work together against him. But Justin knew that Kevin was a good man, despite them never really talking to each other.
Justin sighed, the tears started dribbling down his cheeks. "You may not think that I love him, Kevin. But I do. But I never thought him so easily hurt."
Kevin looked at Justin with a little sympathy. "I don't deny that you love him. But Justin, sometimes loving means letting go of your desire and loving the person for himself, not just his looks. I know you don't think you're young, but Justin, you are young and you probably aren't ready."
Justin glanced at Kevin. He was getting upset and Kevin's words weren't helping. "I know if I'm ready or not." With that, he turned around and walked away.
"So what happened to make Nick so upset?" Kevin called out when Justin was only a few feet away.
Justin turned around to gaze at Kevin. "Nothing that you would want to hear." His voice was soft, but his tone chilled Kevin to the core. Perhaps Kevin didn't want to hear it. With that, Justin disappeared behind the glass doors of the dance studio.
Kevin had to admit though. Justin was pretty confident for his age. There was nothing really bad about Justin. The only thing that bothered Kevin was the fact that Justin was still only a teenager, one who probably really hadn't thought about consequences.
Kevin's thoughts drifted to Nick. He truly wished his baby brother would survive all of this. If anything, Nick didn't need all these complications in his life, especially when they involved people who were so close to him. Kevin closed his eyes and sighed. Only Kevin knew that Nick's problems with relationships didn't suddenly arise this past week. Only Kevin knew the heartaches and pains that Nick had gone through not only during his childhood, but throughout his adolescence as well. Only Kevin knew that Lance, Brian and Justin weren't the only ones who were after, and had hurt, Nick deeply.
And being the only one with the knowledge made Kevin hurt even more. He couldn't possibly support Nick by himself anymore. He needed help, and fast.
Matt helped Brian support Nick to the private room at the back of the restaurant. The two men had been racking their brains for a nice, quiet restaurant that opened that early in the morning. After a few phone calls and some haggling, they finally decided to bring Nick back to Brian's home.
Matt gently carried Nick to the couch and placed him on it while Brian went to get some orange juice. Nick's hands and feet were so cold. Matt ran upstairs to get some warm blankets.
Perhaps Matt was a bodyguard, but the Boys trusted him as well. He loved each of them like they were his brothers, but he was especially attached to Nick, mostly because Nick was the youngest and the most mischievous. Well, at least when they were on tour, he was very mischievous, and seeing him like this made Matt concerned.
"Would you like me to sit in the kitchen while you two chat?" Matt asked. He was pretty sharp for a bodyguard and the Boys often wondered what they would do without him.
Brian looked at Matt appreciatively. "Thanks, bro."
"No prob!" Matt walked away.
Once the other man was gone, Brian looked at Nick. "You feeling better, Nick?" Brian asked.
Nick looked at Brian. Nick's big blue eyes were so full of worry. "We have to practice," Nick's voice sounded confused.
Brian smiled gently. "Naw. Fatima gave us the day off. We can always catch up later!"
Nick looked around as if noticing the surroundings for the first time. Then he focused on Brian again. "We're at your place."
Brian nodded. "Do you want to stay?"
Nick's head bounced up and down as he pulled himself closer to Brian and rested it on Brian's shoulders. "It's safe here."
Brian gently placed his arms around Nick and smiled. "Yep. You can stay as long as you want. You can do whatever you want. No one will try to hurt you here."
Before Brian knew it, Nick had fallen asleep in his arms. To his relief, Matt had come back into the living room and helped carry Nick to Brian's bedroom. Finally the other two men fell asleep on the floor next to Brian's bed.
Brian and Matt were both awaken by Nick's cries as the boy wrenched the blankets and pillows away from him. Brian got hit by a pillow while Matt was able to duck from his.
Together, they jumped on the bed and tried to soothe Nick.
"What's up, buddy?" Brian tried to sound cheerful. "Calm down, Nick!"
Nick sobbed hysterically. "Daddy wouldn't stop. None of them would stop! And they hurt Daemon. They wouldn't let him rescue me!" Nick clutched Brian's arms until they turned blue, but Brian was afraid to let go.
"Shh, Randy's not here now. There's nothing to worry about!" Brian soothed. Then, Brian looked at Matt. "Do you know who Daemon is?"
Matt shook his head. Brian continued to hold onto Nick until Nick finally calmed down. Then silence ensued. All three exchanged glances until Nick pulled back from Brian. "I'm a mess."
Brian grabbed Nick's hands. "You're not a mess. You're just confused. Maybe a little more rest would help."
Nick slowly shook his head.
"Some hot chocolate?" Brian suggested. Nick stopped shaking his head. Matt's eyes gleamed as he offered to make some.
Once Nick calmed down enough, Brian let him lay back down on the bed. Brian sat next to him, never letting his hand go. "Who's Daemon?"
Nick gazed at Brian with an expression Brian couldn't describe. Finally, Nick said, "You'll laugh."
Brian breathed out in relief. Nick's tone carried with it that childish innocence that Brian was so used to. "I will not laugh!" Brian exclaimed, raising his hands in feigned exasperation.
Nick looked doubtfully at Brian. "Promise not to tell Kevin?"
Brian gazed at the younger boy, amused. "It's our little secret!" Then Brian braced himself for the news--old lover? old best-friend? Either way, Brian knew he would be jealous.
"Daemon was . . . " Nick closed one of his eyes as he tried to figure out how to explain to Brian. "He was a character from a novel that I read."
"What?!!!!" Brian couldn't help cringing in surprise. "A character from a book?"
Nick blushed. "Ummm, well, it's a good book, and I liked him a lot. I sorta fell in love with him in the story and sometimes, I would imagine him next to me to sort of protect me. He's kinda in the same situation as me, except he's smarter and stronger and . . . "
Nick's words drifted off. Brian gazed at him in awe. Now how could he compete with a fiction character who had become idealized in Nick's mind? Brian smiled.
Nick blushed even more. "I told you that you would laugh."
"No, Nick!" Brian smiled widely. "I was worried that Daemon was someone I had to compete with for your love! And after hearing that, I was just . . . relieved."
Nick looked at his hands for a while, as if they were the most fascinating things in the whole world. "What I had for Daemon was a crush. You don't have to fight with him. You guys can be friends."
Brian tried to stifle his laugh. Nick was talking about Daemon as if the guy were real.
"Plus," Nick continued, ignoring Brian, "he's 1700 years old. He would think I'm too young and immature."
With that, Brian bursted out laughing, making Nick pout. "What's so funny?" Nick demanded. Before Nick could get angry, Brian jumped on him and hugged him tightly. "I'm not laughing at you. You're just too adorable and innocent and funny."
Nick shood his head. "You're laughing at me! I knew it!"
Brian tried his best to stop laughing. "All right. Tell me about Daemon. Does he have a last name?"
"Yep, SaDi. But people call him The Sadist," Nick answered.
"Nick, you're not like him. You're not a sadist," Brian responded.
Nick shook his head. "No! He's not a sadist. Everyone treats him bad so he has a right to treat them bad. But he's good. He helps everyone. But they use him. They force him into the bedroom. And when he doesn't listen to them, they hurt him and whip him. He would sacrifice himself for the people he loved without demanding anything in return!" Nick's voice became excited.
Brian finally realized how attached to this character Nick was. And as he listened more, he realized that in many ways, Daemon was like Nick. No wonder Nick developed such an attachment to the character.
"But in the end," Nick said sadly, "his own father had sacrificed him to save this girl. His father left him when he was most vulnerable to the enemy. His father left him at the Altar and rescued the girl. Daemon was too weak and confused. He was really fragile. And his brother hurt him. And he became lost forever to insanity." Nick's eyes welled. "He had done so much, and in the end, the people he helped had abandoned him!"
Brian could really tell that Nick was into the story. He was starting to worry, hoping that Nick did not equate his life with Daemon's. Perhaps Nick's father had abandoned him, but Brian and the Boys would never try to hurt him. And the thought of insanity chilled Brian. He would never live with himself if he allowed Nick to break down like that.
Brian hugged Nick tightly. "But we won't abandon you, Nick. We'll always be there for you. Me, AJ, Kev, D, Matt. All of us are here because of you and for you. Don't you see Nick? And Daemon will be around you, always."
Nick buried his face into Brian's chest. "Promise?"
Brian stroked Nick's hair. "Promise."
Well, there you have it. I thought this would be a nice place to end this chapter. But the story isn't over yet! Please stay tuned. For those of you following my story Desperate Measures: please forgive me for not updating sooner, but honestly, I've been working so hard this week that I'm so tired. I will try to update that story next!
NCfan