This story is a work of fiction intended for a mature audience. All Similarities between characters in the story and people in real life are completely coincidental. This story depicts homosexual acts so if you do not approve of this subject, please do not read any further.
This story is copyrighted by the author and may not be copied without the written permission of the author, Scott MG.
Ok everyone: the drama deepens even more in this chapter. Hopefully I'll get chapter seven out really soon because I'm pretty wrapped up in writing it! I hope everyone is enjoying reading this story as much as I'm enjoying writing it.
Cali Boys Chapter Six
Ryan stood frozen, terrified, in front of Chris's front door. Everything went black and he was overwhelmed by a cold, stabbing pain as the memory of that past night came flooding in to his mind. His heart began to race as he remembered exactly how it had played out. That night that he had ruined his whole life. The night he had thrown everything away-- nearly twice. Ryan remembered exactly what he did to Chris but he couldn't remember any of his reasoning. He couldn't recollect a single reason for kissing Hannah or telling Chris that they couldn't be together. There was no reason for any of that.
As soon as Chris had left and ran off of the beach under the firework-lit sky, Ryan had realized how wrong he had been. He had realized that he did love Chris and that it didn't matter what his father wanted for him to do or what anyone thought of it; all that mattered was what he wanted, and he wanted Chris. Ryan had searched for Chris for hours that night without any luck. It was as if he had disappeared off of the face of the planet, leaving Ryan completely alone. Ryan remembered the panicked feeling of worrying that Chris had hurt himself or been hurt that night. Ryan's whole world collapsed on to him that night as he hurried through the empty streets, searching. His entire body had ached the whole time.
He remembered how everything had ended in slow motion. Time had slowed down as he approached the Banks' house for the second time searching that night. The air had grown heavy as he reached the gate to the backyard. He controlled his urge to scream up to Chris's bedroom window. The feeling that Chris was waiting for him just a few feet away. The feeling of a countdown until they could be together again. And then everything crashed. Everything crashed down on him when he saw it. His heart shattered and fell in to a dark abyss. His mind couldn't comprehend it. He completely collapsed, mentally and emotionally. Ryan couldn't remember anything past that moment of shock. The rest of that night was a blur of horrible emotions that were now blocked from his mind. He had no idea what he did that night after he witnessed Chris kissing the other guy. He had no idea of what he tried to do.
Flashing back in to the present moment, Ryan took a deep breath and forced himself to ring the doorbell. He knew that he had to talk to Chris and that if Chris wasn't willing to listen, he would have to make him. His palms were sweating as he waited for the door to open. The driveway was empty, indicating that Chris's parents were at work or where ever else they went all the time. Ryan cleared his mind and tried to gather his words-- deciding exactly how to explain himself to Chris. He knew what he had to say but he knew it would be hard to say it and make it believable. He had to let Chris know exactly what had happened a week ago, that night.
After a moment the door opened and Ryan's heart skipped a beat as his eyes met Chris's crystal-blue ones. Chris's face lit up in surprise when he saw Ryan standing in front of him-- but Ryan wasn't sure if it was a happy form of surprise. Chris froze, holding the door open and staring blankly at Ryan who was frozen with his jaw dropped. The two of them remained frozen for a moment, reading the heavy tension in the air until Chris broke the silence.
"Ryan... What are you doing here?" He asked in a voice of complete surprise.
"Chris, we need to talk." Ryan answered in his most serious tone. He stood still, expecting Chris to let him in, but Chris stood securely and didn't open the door further than half-way.
"Uh," Chris hesitated and turned to glance inside his house, as if he was checking for his parents. "This isn't a good time Ryan. I'm leaving to meet someone soon."
"But I really, really need to talk to you Chris." Ryan said strongly and took a step closer to Chris. Chris took a nervous breath and stepped outside, shutting the door behind him.
"Ryan, I haven't seen you in almost a week. That whole thing happens and then you don't talk to me for a week until you just show up on my fucking doorstep and expect me to talk to you?" Chris groaned irritably and shot a questioning look. "Where the hell have you been?"
"Chris, just listen to me-- Hear me out," Ryan said. "I'm so sorry about what I did that night at the beach..."
"Stop," Chris interrupted. "If you're just here to apologize to me for that whole thing then don't waste your breath Ryan. I accept your apology."
"But thatâ^À^Ùs not--"
"Listen Ryan. I was completely crushed when you did that to me. I practically died that night. You broke my heart and hurt me worse than anyone has ever hurt me in my entire life. I honestly thought about ending my life that night. I didn't think I could live without you..."
"I'm so sorry Chris," Ryan said quietly, his heart aching.
"You know how stupid that would have been Ryan? You know how stupid it would've been for me to kill myself over that? I mean, yes I was in love with you and I was heartbroken, but that night wasn't the end of the world." Chris said. "I've had time to think about all of that and I guess that it was all for the best."
"You don't really mean that Chris." Ryan said hushed. His heart sank.
"Yeah... I do Ryan. I mean, I guess I've always known that you and I could never be together. Itâ^À^Ùs been an impossible dream of mine for the past four years. I shouldn't have let it go on this long." Chris said as Ryan leaned back against the side of the house. "You and I are two different people Ryan. I'm gay, and I'm ok with that... I wouldn't try to change that... Just like I wouldn't try to change the fact that you're straight Ryan."
"Straight?" Ryan asked, disbelievingly. "Chris are you forgetting the fact that you fucked me up the ass? Or are you forgetting the part where I was begging for you to fuck me harder?"
"Ryan, I don't think that what happened that night justifies your sexuality. I think that my feelings for you motivated you to do that..."
"Pity fuck? Chris you're kidding right?" Ryan leaned in to him, hushing his voice. "Chris... I love you... I'm in love with you and I want to be with you... I think that justifies me being gay." Chris looked in to his serious eyes for a long moment before sighing.
"Ryan, it really doesn't matter if you're gay or straight or bisexual or whatever the hell you are." He lowered his voice. "You were right when you said that we couldn't be together. I understand that and I accept it... and I've moved on."
"Chris..." Ryan breathed softly as Chris walked past him and toward the street.
"I'm sorry about everything that happened between us Ryan. I really fucked everything up but I really hope you're still able to be my friend. You're my best friend, you know." Chris's sincere words were lost on Ryan who stared blankly unable to speak. "I wish we could talk more about this right now... But I've got to meet someone..."
"I... Understand..." Ryan said, still frozen halfway down Chris's driveway as Chris was walking backwards down the street, facing Ryan.
"Ok... I'll call you tonight, alright?" Chris asked in a concerned voice. Ryan didn't respond or move. "...Alright then... Bye..."
Chris waited for some kind of response from Ryan, but he was lost in his thoughts, trying to control his emotions. Finally Chris turned around, taking his eyes off of Ryan's vacant expression, and focused on reaching his destination. Meanwhile Ryan watched him disappear on the street; watching everything he loved walk away from him.
When Ryan finally drug himself home, he collapsed on to his bed. Unable to face the world, Ryan buried his face in to his pillow and tried to lie perfectly still, although his hands were shaking. With every breath Ryan took, his chest felt like it would explode. He wanted to be able to cry but he knew he couldn't. He had spent the past week lying on his bed, crying his heart out half the time and now he had no more tears to cry.
The world seemed to be spinning around him as he laid on his stomach trying to maintain control over his life. It seemed that everything he had was slipping away from him, like grains of sand through his fingers. Although he tried not to think of Chris, he knew it was inevitable and he couldn't help but think about how he had just lost Chris forever. What could possibly be the love of his life had left him and moved on. Ryan hadn't seen any of that coming when he set out to talk to Chris earlier that day. He had hopes of taking Chris in to his arms and promising to never hurt him again. Now he feared he would never get to hold Chris in his arms again.
The worst part, Ryan thought, was that it seemed Chris had probably moved on with someone else-- most likely the guy he had been kissing that night. The memory of watching Chris lean in to kiss that boy burned in Ryan's mind. He could remember it so vividly. The way the lights from Chris's pool lit up the surface and cast the illusion of water over their bodies. They had looked so perfect together-- like something out of a movie. And the way that the other guy had kissed Chris back informed Ryan that it wasn't just some casual gesture. Whoever he was, he had wanted to kiss Chris, and he had gotten what he wanted. This other guy, Ryan thought sadly, was probably with Chris at the very moment. They were probably together and that thought made Ryan want to die.
Ryan rolled on to his side, facing the open window and watched as the color of the sky began to change. The room was filled with silence and Ryan tried to fill the void by listening to the sound of his heart beating. The rhythm reminded him of the night he laid in bed with Chris. His chest began to ache again as he remembered the feeling of Chris's body against his own. Ryan pulled a pillow from behind his head and held it close to his chest. He let out a long, painful breath as he heard someone enter the room, behind him.
"Ryan..." he heard his father sigh. "...Are you ready to talk about any of this yet?"
After a long silence Ryan rolled over and looked up at his father's tired face. His eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep and he knew how worried his father was about him at the moment. As Ryan contemplated spilling his heart out to his father, his dad rubbed his forehead and sighed again. It was obvious that stress and worry was building on him even at the moment as he waited for a response. Ryan turned his back again and returned to watching the sky out the window. He spoke while facing away from his father.
"What was the number for that doctor?" He asked while he watched the sky change color. "...I think I'd like to meet with him..."
Jake brushed off the front of his shirt as he entered the ice cream parlor, glancing around nervously for any sign of Chris. He knew that Chris probably wouldn't be there yet because he was still slightly early, but he still hoped. As he entered the store, a small bell rang above his head, signaling to the workers that another customer had arrived, and alerting the people in the store to turn and stare awkwardly at whoever entered. Jake didn't especially mind the staring glances though anymore. He got glances and long stares very often, either because of people recognizing him from an ad in the paper, or because they apparently had the amazing ability to see that he was gay even though he didn't really act that stereotypical. After being out for three years, Jake was used to nearly every reaction to his homosexuality-- the accepting and the disgusted.
The room full of people gave Jake a few studying glances before returning to their own business and conversations. Jake smiled casually to the crowd as he took a seat at the booth closest to the door. He looked anxiously, out the window, scanning the street for a glimpse of Chris. He couldn't wait to see Chris's smiling face enter the door in to the store and to see his beautiful eyes. Jake couldn't help but admit how much he liked Chris, even though they had only known each other for a week. He had been attracted to him since the first time he had seen him in the food court in the mall. The night that he had finally spoken to Chris and then walked him home was one of the best nights of his life. And the kiss that they shared had been incredible. Jake wished that he could kiss Chris again but he knew, all week, that Chris was getting over a great heartbreak and he needed time to move on. Jake knew that it could be a long time until Chris was completely over his friend but he also had a feeling that Chris was sharing some of the same feelings that he was having, and perhaps when he got over his crush, the two of them could become more than just friends.
After a few minutes of sitting alone, trying to appear casual to the people that kept eyeing him strangely, Jake heard the sound of the entrance bell and he sat up at attention. Jake beamed happily as Chris entered the room, looking around. He was looking great, Jake noted, as he scanned him from head to toe. He was wearing a tighter-fitting shirt that clung to his slim and toned body, much to Jake's liking. Jake smiled and motioned to Chris, who still hadn't noticed him even though they weren't very far apart.
"Hi Chris." Jake smiled, trying not to sound overly-excited. Chris turned and looked at him, smiling instantly.
"There you are!" He said as he sat down at the table, still smiling brightly. Chris sat uneasily-- excited to finally be with Jake again. It was funny how even though they had spent the day together the day before, it felt like they hadn't been together in days.
"You're right on time babe." Jake said, still smiling. "It's good to see you again."
"Good to see you too," Chris smiled. "Even though we just saw each other yesterday and we talked until two last night!" He laughed.
"Yeah, guess you're right." Jake laughed shortly. "But still..."
The two of them sat, still smiling at each other but unable to find anything to say until a waitress wondered up to their table, wiping her hands on her apron. She pulled back her long bangs from her eyes and gave the two of them a suspicious look.
"Um, can I help you two?" She asked in a tone. "Anything to eat or drink?"
"Not right now," Chris said quickly-- feeling intimidated by her judging stare.
"I think we're good for right now, thank you." Jake said confidently and flashed the woman a smile. She returned a fake half-smile and turned her attention to another table. The two of them watched her until she had completely left their area before turning back to each other.
"Was it just me, or was she giving us a weird look?" Chris asked. "You think she knew?"
"I'm guessing she did." Jake said and rubbed the back of his neck. "But it doesn't matter Chris. You really shouldn't worry so much about what everyone thinks."
"I know," Chris sighed. "But it really sucks that I have to pretend to be something that I'm not."
"You don't have to pretend anything Chris... At least not with me." Jake said seriously. "You know, no one really gives a shit whether you're gay or straight or anything. Anyone that does care needs to get their own life to worry about."
"It must be great to be out." Chris said and Jake shrugged.
"It's alright. It's a hell of a lot better than having to live a bunch of lies." Jake rested his arms on the table. "Luckily my mom was great about the whole coming-out thing. She was so supportive... Anyway Chris, you really don't need to worry about coming out right now if you're not ready or about what people think of you out in public. It's not like it's any of their business and it's not like anything we do affects them in any way. We're not hurting anyone in any way. I mean it's not like we're going around hitting on the straight boys," he laughed. "Believe me, that's not the smartest thing to do."
"You hit on a straight guy? I thought you mastered the whole gaydar thing." Chris said.
"Well we all make mistakes." Jake shrugged. "And in my defense, this was the gayest straight boy I've ever seen. I mean what straight gay wears a purple wife-beater? I don't even wear that and I'm pretty damn gay Chris."
"No you're not."
"You know we should go somewhere where there are more people like us. There is this one club, you know... Lots of hot guys, dancing half-naked most of the time... and they're not exactly there with their girlfriends." Jake laughed.
Chris laughed and looked to his side, trying not show how happy he was feeling being with Jake. Jake smiled and stared adoringly at him.
"You know you're so cute Chris." He smiled and ran his hand through his short hair. "That Ryan guy doesn't know what he's missing." Chris suddenly stopped smiling as he remembered his earlier conversation with Ryan in front of his house.
"Speaking of him," Chris said lowly, "He showed up at my door today. He said he wanted to apologize for everything."
"Really? What did you tell him?" Jake focused his serious eyes on Chris's.
"I told him that I accepted his apology and that we're still friends; but that I'm not gonna keep hurting myself by basically loving a lost cause." Chris shrugged and looked in to Jake's concentrated face. "I told him I'm over him."
After a moment of studying Chris's eyes, Jake spoke. "Are you really over him though?"
"Yeah." Chris said after a moment. "I mean I'm not fucking crying about him anymore and I'm not wasting my time thinking about him all the time."
"That's good." Jake said, smiling again.
"Yeah..." Chris said, smirking. "Lately there's been someone else I've been thinking about all the time." He looked in to Jake's eyes and they both smiled. For a moment Chris set aside his fear of publicity and reached out his hand to touch Jake's hand.
Ryan never felt as uncomfortable as he was feeling as he sat facing the therapist. The doctor watched him silently, observing everything he did and every move he made. From the moment Ryan walked in the door, he could feel Dr. Robert's dark eyes watching him. He felt like an experimented being observed and written about on a wooden clipboard. He sat quietly, not knowing what to say to the man watching him, wishing that he had never agreed to meet with a therapist. He regretted coming even though he knew he was doing it so that his father could stop worrying about him. And he knew it was important for him to talk to someone about some of the things he was going through even if he couldn't come out and tell the entire truth about it.
Finally Dr. Roberts stopped writing and set his notepad on to his clean desk. He leaned forward over the desk and raised his eyebrow to Ryan, as if he was questioning his reason for being there.
"So, Ryan..." he said cautiously. "Is there anything you want to say or ask me?"
"No... Not really..." Ryan answered uncomfortably.
"There's nothing you want to start off with?" Ryan shook his head. "You know why you're here right?"
"Well yeah," Ryan nodded. "I'm the one that scheduled the appointment..."
"Well then you know that you're here to get help for yourself, right?"
"...Yeah, I guess..."
"And you understand that it is possible to get help. So many people think that depression is the end of the world and that there's nothing they can do to end it. But that's not true at all." Dr. Roberts folded his hands. "Depression isn't death Ryan. You can get over it, just like you can get over whatever it is that's got you so depressed."
"You think I'm really clinically depressed?" Ryan asked in a weaker voice. The doctor sighed and gave him a sympathetic look.
"Well Ryan, I'd find it hard to believe that you're not." He paused. "People that aren't depressed don't usually try to commit suicide..."
His words cut deep in to Ryan as he suddenly received flashbacks of what had occurred the night after he saw Chris kissing the other boy. The images stung his eyes and he felt as if he was being stabbed in the chest.
"You know that suicide isn't the answer Ryan. Suicide should never be the answer, not matter what. No matter how hard life seems or how low you feel, you should never resort to something like that. There are so many people that care about you Ryan. So many people would be crushed if you had gone through with that. Your mom, your dad... your friends..."
Ryan suddenly thought of Chris and for the first time, wondered how Chris would have felt if he had gone through with what he had tried that night. He crossed his arms over his stomach and held himself still, feeling sick to his stomach, and he stared down at his feet.
"There are people that can help you with what you're going through Ryan-- whatever that may be." Dr. Roberts scribbled another note on to his paper and returned his attention to Ryan. "If this is all about your parents divorce and your father dating again... you know this is very common for teenagers to become depressed over loss or separation but you know that--"
"No," Ryan sat up straight. "No this isn't about my parents divorce. It has nothing to do with my parents divorce or my dad dating anyone."
"Well then what is it about Ryan? What is happening in your life that made you feel it wasn't worth living?" Dr. Roberts asked in a concerned voice. Ryan didn't respond. "You know that anything you say is confidential Ryan. Anything you say stays in this room... You can trust me Ryan..."
Ryan looked up in to the doctor's now concerned eyes. He could feel everything building up inside of him. He bit his lip, trying to hold everything inside although he knew he couldn't contain it all for much longer. Everything that had happened over the past two weeks was rushing through his head and in to his throat, creating a lump. He could hear his mind screaming at him to stay quiet while the other part urged him to let it all out. Ryan wasn't sure if he was ready to out himself along with all of his inner-problems. But at the same time he knew he had to say something. He could feel the words in his mouth, burning his tongue to escape, and he couldn't contain it any longer. He took a deep breath and looked down as he spoke.
"I have this friend..."
To be continued...