Calendar Mystery 7: CHURCH PICNIC
Characters:
Chris Josephson, 29, creative writer and professor, owner of Sandy
Point lighthouse
Frank Zanetti, 23, detective sergeant
Father Andrew, pastor in Church of St. John the Beloved
Vera Ericson, 60s, owner of Vera 's Cabins on the North Shore
Sebastian Ericson, 19, artist, Vera 's grandson
Amik Ziibaang ( `Beaver in the River '), also known as Jimmy Carlson,
shaman of the Waabooz ( `Rabbit ') clan of the Ojibwe
Peter Red Crow, 19, Ojibwe, farmer in Orr
Jerry Turner, 30s, nicknamed `Jay ', Chris 's neighbor on Sandy Point
This one 's for Pete, with thanks for moral support and a suggestion about postmodernism that I will use in a future chapter! Amidst the festive confusion of an autumn picnic, Sebastian discloses a clue that raises the question: Why would an Australian aborigine come to America? Goran: goranbixo@aol.com
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September 13, 2020: On Sunday morning, the Church of St. John the Beloved had nine surprise guests: the four Ojibwe elders, Peter Red Crow, and four Ojibwe braves in their twenties, who came to perform powwow dances at the after-church picnic. They dressed in festive gear, leaving their head-dresses behind in the caretaker 's house at Sandy Point. The younger men came because the elders told them to, but they enjoyed sharing their cultural gifts with a Yankee congregation.
Shouldn 't an ethnic group be segregated, forbidden the blending of cultures? I pause for reply.
"That 's `ethnic appropriation ', a social-justice transgression, " replies the strident voice of postmodernism.
Critics may carp and harpies may harp, but Father Andrew extended an extravagant welcome to his Ojibwe guests, who crowded into a pew alongside Frank, Chris, Sebastian, and Vera.
About 150 people attended the picnic; St. John 's most successful event so far. The Ojibwe elders erected a ceremonial wigwam midway between the sauna and the Victorian farmhouse. It attracted just as much interest as the lighthouse. Visitors climbed the spiral staircase to the lighthouse loft, wearing sensible shoes as Chris required. To visit the wigwam, they walked barefoot through sand, "unshod in the presence of God, " Amik Ziibaang said, although, to be honest, the ritual of going barefoot was Chris 's idea. He took care to guard the reverence of the wigwam, even though Amik said that Manitou provided protection enough.
The Ojibwe powwow dancers crowded into the wigwam, using it as their dressing-room and point of origin. From it, the beat of tom-toms could be heard. Then they emerged in procession, dressed in buckskin pants, shirts ornamented with Ojibwe images, and elaborately feathered head-dresses. The ceremonial dances were accompanied by an indeterminate number of drums and two flutes. Two Scotsmen from the church provided background music, playing bagpipes.
"Scott McGiver and Alex Hamilton, straight white guys. They joined St. John 's because no other church would let them perform on a regular basis, " Chris remarked to Frank.
A television crew showed bits of the powwow on the evening news. A news crew from the Duluth Tribune took photos of the lighthouse, the ceremonial wigwam, and the powwow. They appeared in the Monday 's paper.
Dinner was potluck, supplemented by a catering service hired by Chris. Father Andrew recited a short blessing, and introduced the `first elder ' as Jimmy Carlson. "Are you sure you 're not a Swede? " he quipped. Laughter. "Jimmy is the shaman in the Ojibwe community in Orr, " he said. "He will conclude our blessing with a prayer to the Great Spirit. "
By 3:00 PM, the crowd dwindled to thirty, small enough that it was safe to light a fire in the sauna. Twenty minutes later, Chris went to the microphone to announce that the sauna and the beach were ready for visitors. "Three of our members will patrol the beach as lifeguards, " he said, and pointed them out. They wore red swim trunks, red shirts, and red caps.
"I know that red caps are now politically incorrect, " Chris said. "That 's why we chose that color, so you 'll recognize the lifeguards. The beach by the sauna doesn 't have a reputation for rip-tides, but there 's always a first time, so if one of these guys calls you out of the water, please do what he asks. By the way, swim suits are optional in the sauna and on the beach, so don 't be shocked if you see someone running starkers through the sand. "
Vera placed a lawn chair on the beach near the trail where the swimmers (mostly men) ran back and forth from the sauna. She thought of the male form as a wonder of nature, and wouldn 't pass up a chance to gaze at a host of specimens. She persuaded two other ladies to join her, so three ladies in lawn chairs kept watch at the side of the trail, where they wouldn 't miss an eye- pleasing butt-parade. Not to mention generous scenes of frontal nudity.
"The variety of penises is surprising, don 't you think? " Vera asked the others. "Some circumcised, others not. So many different sizes and shapes. " She took a pair of binoculars out of her oversized purse for close-up views. The descent of the specimens was mostly Scandinavian and German, but Vera remarked: "Take a look at those Mediterranean guys. For any one of them, the penis looks three shades darker than the color of his torso and thighs. "
"That 's interesting! " one of Vera 's companions exclaimed when she took her turn with the binoculars.
The ladies passed the binoculars around, taking turns like three mythic hags condemned to blindness by Zeus until Apollo gave them a magical glass eye to share between them. On this rare occasion, the hags haggled, not knowing whether they would ever again be invited to a masculine frolic. Vera said she would appeal to Chris to organize another for their benefit.
Frank attended the picnic in uniform as an unpaid volunteer, but when the number of guests declined, he took a break and got naked with the other guys.
Two familiar figures ran past the ladies and jumped into the waves. "That 's my grandson Sebastian, and his friend Frank, the policeman, " Vera said. "Aren 't they beautiful? " One of the ladies aimed the binoculars toward Frank. "Why, Vera, he 's rather large, " she said. Unaware of the ladies, Frank and Sebastian sported in the water, engaging in intimate horseplay. Vera wondered if her grandson had captured the heart of this extraordinary specimen of manhood. Of course, what really matters is character, but she had no doubts about Frank on that score. It looked to her like Frank was interested in Sebastian, even when Peter Red Crow joined them in a game of grab-ass.
"It 's like watching puppies at play, " one of the ladies said.
"I enjoy watching male gender expression, " Vera replied. "If you let them run free, men are so different from women. They compete for fun, when ladies in the same situation would fume at each other. Each man outdoes the other in a silly game, without the least thought that a triumph makes him superior. That 's male gender expression. It 's so much more civilized than toxic femininity. "
"Why, Vera! I do believe you 've gone over to the dark side, " one of her companions giggled.
"Maybe I 've always been there, " Vera countered. "I 've never had use for feminism with its endless complaints about men. "
Not long ago, Chris had expounded to Frank on how the beach is a river of sand: `You never see the same river twice '. The kaleidoscopic vision of male nudes was like that. Diverse bodies in ever-changing positions presented a cornucopia of specimens for the ladies ' binocular gaze, although, alas, they had one pair of binoculars between them and had to share.
Sebastian noticed Grandma in the lawn chair. Embarrassed, hee dove under the water and swam in the opposite direction. Frank dove after him. Vera could see them engaged in a serious discussion. Some minutes went by. Frank and Sebastian waded out of the water and walked toward them on surf-hardened sand, holding hands. `Sebastian seems happy ', Vera thought to herself.
Jerry Turner was there, too, sporting in the water with another group of guys. He was known to Chris and Frank, but a stranger to others. For the present, he kept his distance from Frank and Sebastian.
Naked as jays (I 've always wanted to use this expression), Frank and Sebastian approached the ladies. Frank took Vera 's hands, leaned forward, and kissed her cheek. When he leaned forward, his legs were parted, and the other ladies got a peek at his cleft and his low-hanging scrotum. He was unabashed about his nudity. Sebastian blushed. His pale complexion accentuated the glow of redness.
"Thought you 'd like to know, I 'm taking Sebastian on a tour of the UMD campus tomorrow, " Frank said. His conversation-starter was lame; an excuse he could think of to relieve his trio of admirers from the awkwardness of sharing a single pair of binoculars.
"I 'm very glad to hear it, " Vera said.
One of the ladies noticed that Frank 's left testicle hung lower than the right one. "Like Michelangelo 's David ', she whispered to the others. A detail that had escaped their binocular view. Close up and personal ' was worth waiting for.
"Sebastian is a brilliant artist, " Frank continued, in an obvious ruse to extend the conversation. "But he 's self-taught, Sebastian is. I think he 'll go far, if he can study with professionals in studio art and art history. " Frank rattled on, purposely giving the ladies a leisurely view of his frontal nudity, and Sebastian 's. He continued: "So long as those art professors don 't contaminate him with conceptual art. "
"I 'm partial to human figures, " Sebastian chimed in. "That 's out of fashion. It 's more difficult than abstract art; maybe the reason why so many artists have gone abstract. "
"By the way, I 'm Frank Zanetti. " He introduced himself to the other ladies and shook hands with each of them, allowing a ringside anatomical view as he swiveled around them. Vera introduced Sebastian, who was too inhibited to follow Frank 's example.
The ladies were not displeased when Frank prolonged the conversation: "The only really good contemporary art is in Mexico City, " he said, thinking of something to talk about that ignored the obvious act of his and Sebastian 's nudity. Maybe we can to there during spring break, if I can get off work and if Sebastian wants it. "
"We can do that, " Sebastian said. "But it 's time for another warm-up in the sauna, Frank. "
"Okay, Sebastian, " Frank said, but he kept his stance close to the ladies. "Next time we see each other in church, don 't let me leave without greeting each of you. "
"Time to go, Frank, " Sebastian said.
"My partner here doesn 't understand community policing, " Frank quipped. "We cops are supposed to engage one-on-one with folks in the community. How am I doing so far? " He laughed at his own little joke. Public nudity as community policing.
"On a scale of one to ten, you 're a twelve, " one of the ladies said.
"Actually, I 'm only a nine, but thanks, " Frank laughed.
"Frank! " Sebastian persisted.
"Sebastian, let the man do what he needs to do, " Vera said. "Community policing. " Like the others, she also enjoyed the ringside view of Frank 's body, although she averted her eyes from her grandson.
"Yes, boss, " Frank said.
Sebastian put an arm around Frank 's waist and drew him close. "We 're off to the sauna, " he said.
Frank grinned at Vera. "Your grandson is awfully bossy, once you get to know him. "
Sebastian put a hand on Frank 's butt, and Frank put an arm around Sebastian 's waist. They trudged up the sandy trail to the sauna.
"Why Vera, how do you suppose your grandson got used to such a big pecker? " one of the ladies asked.
"I think their relationship might be more complicated than that, " Vera replied.
The sauna was a genteel carnival of nude bodies, mostly male, rubbing elbows and shoulders with an occasional jostling of thighs and butts. Furtive groping of genitals half-hidden in steam whenever someone poured water on top of the stove. No sexual intercourse; and the men kept their hands off the two women who stepped into the sauna for brief intervals. No one left the sauna without knowing that Sebastian had caught the biggest walleye in the lake.
Amidst the confusion in the sauna, Chris made a connection with Jim Carlson, the shaman. They bumped thighs. Jim copped a feel of Chris 's butt. Chris responded by fondling Jim 's inner thigh, followed by a quick stroke of the back of his hand over the shaman 's erect cock. He took Jim by the hand and led him out of the sauna, down the trail to the beach. They sat together in the sand. Whatever words passed between them, they decided to keep their distance during the picnic. They would hook up later to spend the night.
Back on the beach, Chris caught up with Sebastian. They walked along the beach to the formation of rocks below the lighthouse. "You remember the bird tattoo on the thigh of the mysterious brown man? The sex partner with each of the twelve pin-up guys in the gay calendar? The one whose face is concealed in each photo? Well, I searched the internet for birds in the Caribbean, in Africa, and finally in Australia. I 've identified the bird tattoo. Gold crown with black stripes, streaming from the back of its head, tail-like, to a point. Long arrow beak, the same length as the gold crown. Grey feathers from head to midsection. Backside and tail black and white, not with smooth stripes like a zebra, but mottled. Chicken-legs. It 's an Australian variety of the common hoopoe. Not a separate species, but the long tail of its crown makes it different from other hoopoes. "
"So, our mysterious brown man is an aboriginal from Australia, " Chris said. "That 's rare. "
"What would bring an aborigine to the U.S.? " Sebastian asked.
"There 's something you should know about Frank, " Chris said, changing the subject. "It 's not negative. It 's about how he has suffered in the past. Frank is so outgoing that most people assume he can 't be hurt, but he has been, and badly. "
"How so? " Sebastian asked.
"Frank almost got married when he was your age, " Chris said. "He was new to the police force and taking night classes at UMD. He was dating an Italian-American, Gabriella Marsini, whose Dad owns a chain of furniture stores. It was all about upward social mobility, so far as his folks were concerned. Frank asked me to be his best man. A week before the wedding, Gabriella found out that I 'm gay. She told Frank that I wasn 't welcome at her wedding. She said that her older brother, would be his best man. She presented this as a fait accompli. "
"How did Frank react to this? " Sebastian wondered.
"He didn 't get angry. He met with Gabriella privately, on this very spot by the lighthouse, and said he 's decided to go MGTOW, " Chris replied.
Sebastian gave Chris a quizzical look. "MGTOW? What 's that? "
"MGTOW is an acronym, " Chris explained. "It stands for `Men Going Their Own Way '. An informal movement for straight guys who vow to limit their relations with women, and above all to avoid the marriage trap. They 're not gay-friendly. They 're afraid of gay stigma. Anyway, Frank took a lot of crap from the women in St. Anne 's Catholic Church, especially after Gabriella spread a rumor that he must be gay, like the guy he wanted to be his best man. This went on for a year, until folks got bored with it and went on to another scandal. "
"Guilt by association, " Sebastian observed. "So, MGTOW is for straight guys. "
"It depends on who 's holding the microphone, " Chris replied.
Frank was absent from the picnic during Chris 's conversation with Sebastian. So was Jerry Turner. They were both strong swimmers, and swam naked along the shore to Turner 's house. It wasn 't as heroic as swimming the Hellespont, but it was enough of a struggle between masculine endurance and he rolling waves of Big Friendly. When they got to Jerry 's house, they left a trail of surf and sand in his living room and up the stairs to his bedroom.
"No need for foreplay, " Jerry announced. "I 've already got the hots for you, Frankie. " His soft green eyes gleamed with desire lay face-down, legs apart, arching his hairless bottom to the closest he could get to a bubble-butt. His narrow brown slit rounded slightly at the touch of Frank 's tongue.
There 's a unique species of eroticism that accompanies nailing your partner a second time. The first time is exciting because everything is new and offers the challenge of breaking through inhibitions. The second encounter gets an uninhibited start, a foundation having been laid for the discovery of ever-new barriers to break through. The first time they fucked, Jay had accepted his role as a bottom, not by choice but by necessity because his six-inch dick was no match for Frank 's nine inches. The second time they fucked, Jay wanted it. Wanted to groan and make outcries while Frank broached his outer and inner sphincters and reconstructed his anal canal to accommodate nine inches of man-meat continuously in motion. Wanted Frank 's ramrod rubbing his prostate, thereby stimulating his testes to produce ever more semen. Wanted the silken ooze of jizz inside him then Frank orgazzed in furious strokes. Breeding is better the second time because both partners know what 's coming and what it means. A liquefaction of the soul. A physical union made more complete for having a spiritual aspect.
Their scene brings to mind a queering read of `Merchant of Venice ', where Bassanio says to Antonio:
If you please to shoot a second arrow that same way
Which you did shoot the first, I do not doubt,
As I will watch the aim, or to find both
Or bring your better hazard back again
As thankfully rest debtor for the first.
Bassanio was talking about ships hazarding sea-voyage, but if ships can be allegorized by archery, the penetration of a male organ comes closer to the likeness of an arrow.
Afterward, Frank gave Jay a blowjob. "How 's that for blunt narrative? " asks Goran Bixo, the author. "Sex stripped naked of allegory. "
"You know what I like about your dick, Jay? " he asked.
"No. What? "
"Six inches fit into my mouth enough to wrap my tongue around it, " Frank said.
"You 're a good cock-sucker, that 's for sure, " Jerry replied.
"Only because you 're right-sized, " Frank said.
Frank was in no hurry. Whenever he sensed that Jerry was getting close to orgasm, he took a break. "I want to suck you longer because that 'll make your load bigger and your orgasm stronger. "
"Stick a finger up my ass while you suck me, " Jerry suggested.
When Jerry orgazzed, his load of jizz gathered over Frank 's tongue.
"Let me see it, Frankie, " Jerry said.
Frank opened wide to exhibit the load. Impressive. Then he swallowed. The two men kissed and swam their mythic Hellespont back to the picnic.