It was 2 at night.I couldn't sleep.I felt so sick.My throat was swollen.It was the second day I didn't go to school.I was feeling worse and worse.My mom didn't go to work,she was seriously worried about me.I was laying in my bed,my depression getting worse and worse.I was laying and looking at the ceiling.It was very clean.Too clean.There was no patters to follow.My eyes just kept wondering and I just kept thinking and thinking and thinking.My head hurt like a bitch from all the thinking I did.Every breath I took seemed to take a little more strenght away from me.My face was all puffed up.At this point I was seriously worried about my health.I didn't want to die,no matter how bad my life got I wanted to live and achieve something.I wanted to be happy,but how long does happiness last? 2 weeks? 1 day? 20 minutes?I looked over at my drawer and saw some sleeping pills and Advil.If I took all of them,what would happen?Would I sleep forever?All I had to do to check, was to raise my hand and put them into my mouth,but instead I turned away and after an hour of restlessness fell soundly asleep.When I woke up it was morning.I heard some bird signing away his old song.He seemed so bloody cheerful,so bubbly,but my mood was very sullen.I shut the window and the song came to an end.I hurried downstairs.
"Hey baby" said my mother when she saw me coming"felling any better?"
"Do I look any better?" I asked sarcastically
"Look you don't have to go to school"
"I know I don't,but I want to go to school Grace"
"Why don't you ever call me mom?Or mommy?You know Gary thinks it's unhealthy for children to call their parents by their name"
"Fuck Gary" I said and walked out
As I got into class and took my place behind Jessica [ I hated that bitch so much.She was currently fucking around with Cal.His current girlfriend,Lindsay,was none too happy about that].Jessica was passing notes to her girlfriend,who sat directly behind me.She was using me to pass those damn notes.Finally I was so fucking fed up[I mean what can you possibly have to say in like your 100th fucking note?] that I decided to read it.The paper had the full conversation:
Jessica: hey Katie..sup?
Katie: nm Jess...heard you hooked up with Cal yesterday?
J: Oh yes..we had such a blast
K: What's that supposed to mean..did you do it?
J: Of course we did it,he's so insanely good in bed...he's like a wild animal..all though he kinda freaked me out a bit
K: What do you mean?
J: Well I think he's into rough shit.He wanted to do me from the behind..can you imagine that!?I was so repulsed I told him "No way,that's fucking gross,either we do it the old fashioned way or nothing at all"
K: And what did he say?
J: He agreed of course.But still,he was so wild!He commented on his every move.Like "oh yeah baby..you're gonna enjoy that big dick that's about to slip into you..you're gonna enjoy it a lot, whore"
K :WOW..that's intense
J: I know!!...I mean I didn't expect that we were gonna make love..but that was just like "WOAAAHHH".I kinda tried to go with the flow you know,but he left bruises all over my body.Still,it's fucking Cal,the sex god ...how could I say no to him.
K:Yeah I know
I passed the note back.I hated Jessica even more now.Gosh,if I was him I would wanna hurt that bitch too.So he was into rough and wild things,hmmm I could go with that.Besides I know that inside he's a really kind spirit,it shows on his face.We would have wild sex at night and then make beautiful love in the day time.I got a raging hard on just thinking about all of that.But sadly my dreams were shattered with the sound of the bloody bell.I went to my usual lunch hang out place,sat down on the grass and begun looking out for Cal.After a few minutes I saw him coming to his usual table arms linked with Lindsay.All though they were arm linked she looked pretty upset and was visibly shaking.He tried to kiss her a few times but she just gave him a dirty look that said "back off you fucking bastard".Lindsay was pretty,I can't deny that.She had a thing for dying her hair,kinda like me.She had big boobs and a pretty face,and I liked her smile.But when I saw the two of them together I wanted to break down crying,it was soooo not fair.I started feeling ill and headed for the restroom.Puking was starting to be almost automatic.I accidentally banged my head against the toilet seat.EWWWWWWWW.When I was finally finished I washed my hands frantically trying to get rid of the smell.I looked into the mirror and as always was repulsed.But what got me out from my about to begin self loathing session was when I heard the screams coming from outside the bathroom.I peeked out from the guys restroom onto the hallway.
"You think that just cause you're a fucking slut you're going to ruin my relationship!" screamed Lindsay
Jessica looked at her ironically "Don't yell at me cause your boyfriend grew tired of your ass and decided he needed something better"
"You call yourself better you dirty tart.I'd rather see him having gay sex then ever touching you again,so don't even dream about it ho"
"Oh yeah,I bet he'll come running to me in 3 days"
"I can't believe I once called you a friend"
"Yeah that was a very long time ago..when you weren't such a bitch "
"When you weren't such a slut.Now listen closely you fucking whore..you keep away from Cal.You understand?"
"I'll get with Cal whenever I want you dumb bitch"
The fight would have continued if it wasn't for a pass by substitute who heard some of the last words and took both of them to the Dean's office.
Hunger. Unbelievable,uncontrollable hunger. I had images of chocolate floating through my mind.Then I thought about Ice Cream.Whipped Cream.Anything sweet.I wanted to stuff myself with sweetness.I wanted to kill the pain and kill the uncertainty.I wanted to kill everything in me.To rot it out.I wanted to rot to death.It was 12 a clock at night.I still didn't get any sleep.I went into the bathroom and turned on the water.I didn't look into the mirror.The flow of water had me in deep thought for a while.Water.Life.Water.Life.I didn't look into the mirror.Finally I leaned in a bit and splashed my face with the cold liquid,but that wasn't enough.I needed something to numb me.I needed something to relieve this awful hunger.I ran down to the kitchen and opened the freezer.I got all the ice I could find and put it all up to my face.The ice slowly melted and numbed.It made me feel good.Numbness all over my face.It made me quiver with joy and delight.But the ice was melting,and melting fast.Soon the pleasure was over,and my face was slowly growing warm.I opened the refrigerator.I looked around.I found chocolate milk and drank it all.I opened the freezer again and took out the coffee ice cream,my fave.I sat and ate.I ate and I sat.I sat slowly getting off of my high and growing awfully hopeless and miserable with each minute.Why couldn't I be fucking normal?See,I didn't usually cry.But sometimes you happen to feel this huge self pity inside and suddenly a single tear slipped from my tired eye.Soon afterwords I regained my strenght and threw away the now empty box while making my way back into the bathroom.I didn't look into the mirror when I entered.I slipped to my knees,slowly.I felt the disgusting fullness of my stomach and wanted to get rid of it right away.I bend over and relieved my insides into the bowl.I was exhausted and my throat hurt.I cried a bit more because it was hard to breathe.Finally,after I washed my face a bit,I went back into my room and laid on the bed.I couldn't fall asleep to save my life.I kept turning and tossing and crying a bit here and there.My life style was killing me and I knew it.I didn't have control over what I was doing anymore.I couldn't stop even if I wanted to at that point.I felt like my life was over.What if I didn't wake up tomorrow?That thought terrified me.But it wasn't enough to make me stop.Grace wasn't enough.My fears weren't enough.I had no intention of stopping.This was the only life I ever knew,and the thought of changing it was more scary than the thought of death.