Going On
okis, this was a collaborative work between me and a friend of mine, jon. he rote the first half, i did the 2nd. tell him wut u think of his part : jonathan.benoite@nf.sympatico.ca . he rote from kev's point of view. at the -'s i'm gona change it back to my own. soulessazn@hotmail.com
"Yeah baby...mmmmmmm. That's it, yeah. You know what I like, don't ya baby? Mmmm...."
Bang! Bang! Bang!
I sat up in bed, rudely ripped from by dream.
Fuck, this is the second time this week! And it's only 6:30! Every time I get to the same point in this dream with the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, someone wakes me up. If it was Nick again I swore I was going to kick his ass.
Bang! Bang!
"Nick...hold on would ya!!"
It had to be Nick. He had been the one waking me up every morning now since Bri.... I stumbled across the room and felt for the door knob. I could find it. I knew it was there, but I couldn't find it. I think I might have had too much to drink last night.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Owww!! God, that hurt. "Yup, definitely to much to drink," I said to myself. I turned around and walked back over to turn on the lamp near the bed. At least I could find that.
"Just a sec, Nick."
I turned on the light and immediately regretted it, feeling as if I was blind for life. Man, this is not going to be a good day is it? I walked back over and opened the door.
"now, Nick, what was so important that u had to wake me up so...Ooooooh! Hey! What are u doing here? I thought u went with Casper to..."
"yeah. I, uh I did."
I saw a tear roll down his cheek.
"Oh God. Kenny, man, what's wrong? Did he hurt you? Are you ok?"
I was really starting to worry now. Kenny meant a lot to me. Ok, I admit I wasn't so sure about him when he and Brian had first gotten together, but...I guess he grew on me, cause now, I feel as if he is a part of my family. I couldn't stand to see anything happen to him.
"No, he didn't hurt me. But...," a giant sob racked his body, "...I'm uh...I'm not ok."
My stomach was knotting up. I just realized that I felt to close to Kenny. he was all I had left of Brian.
I quickly realized that Kenny was standing in my doorway physically shaking with tears rolling off his cheeks and I was just standing there in my boxers. not a good scene.
"Come in, quick. Talk to me."
He made his way in through the door and went straight over to sit on my bed where he put his head in his hands and continued crying hard. I went over to my closet and hauled out a pair of pants to put on. After zipping up, I immediately went over and sat beside him, putting my arm around his slumping shoulders.
"Now, what's the matter?" I asked, using the gentlest voice I had. quite the change from when I thought he was Nick coming to wake me up.
Kenny looked up at me, starting, "I...I just I mean, I went with Casper and I, well we..."
I stopped him.
"Ok, I think I know what you did, so I don't need to hear that. Ok, so I wasn't that comfortable with him telling me about his having sex. I have no problems with it. But I just don't want to really hear any details. Heh, even when he and Brian used to be together, I never let Brian give me any details about...
I started to get a little misty eyed myself just thinking about it. Damn it I missed Brian.
"What I do want to know is what is wrong with you? I know you, and your not that easy to upset. Now, what's wrong!"
My tone must have gotten a bit too harsh, because he just put his head down again and resumed crying. I started to rub my hand across his back. I'm sorry Ken, I didn't meant to yell at you. It's just that well, I worry about you sometimes. I know things have been hard for you these past couple of months. Hell, they haven't been great for me! We're practically family, so come on, talk to me."
That last comment seemed to have a good effect on him, because he sat up and wiped his eyes dry. He opened his mouth to speak, but it was several seconds before any sound was actually produced.
"You already know that me and Casper...."
I just nodded my head yes.
"Well, that's the problem."
For some reason this struck me as funny.
"Hahaha. Ken, I can't help you if the sex is bad. Hehe. That's not my department."
Kenny chuckled a little. Good, he was feeling better.
"No, it's not that. The sex is great. It's just that I don't really...," he started to break down again. "I don't think I should have done it. It wasn't fair." His body went limp again and he started to cry.
Wasn't fair... How could it not be fair? And to w... oh. I get it.
"Ahhhh. I see. You think that by having sex with Casper, you were cheating on Brian?"
He sniffed and said, "Not so much cheating on Brian, but on his memory."
"Ken, man, you don't have to worry about that. Brian loved you and you loved him, this much I know. And I also know that he would have wanted you to be happy."
He looked up at me with a questioning look in his eyes.
"I know!! Brian wouldn't want you to be by yourself. He would want you to live, to go out and enjoy yourself. And if that meant having sex with someone, then so be it."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, most definitely. Brian loved you very much. He wanted only the best for you. He wanted you to be happy."
I felt this needed repeating.
"I was very close to my cousin. I know how he thought, and I know that he wanted, no not wanted, wants you to keep going. Brian will always be with you. He will be watching out for you. He will not let anything bad happen to you. He watches you from Heaven and from right here," I said, as I reached down and tapped his chest, over his heart.
"yeah..."
"You're damned right 'yeah.'"
I sensed a break through, and I had to push for it.
"Now let me hear you say it: 'Brian loves me.'"
"Brian loves me. And he wants me to go on living."
"There, see. I knew you would get it. I never doubted for a minute that you knew this, but you just had to remind yourself."
Kenny smiled. The first honest smile I had seen from him in a long time. I let out a long yawn. I didn't realize it, but I was still tired.
"Oh God, Kevin. I'm sorry for waking you. I didn't meant to get you up so early, I know you have a full schedule today. I better go."
Not good! Last thing I need is him leaving here feeling bad about something else. Sure, O wuld love to go back to sleep, but he means more to me than another 40 winks.
"No! I mean, it's ok, I don't mind. I always have time for you -- remember that."
The conversation struck a very sharp decline. As in, it stopped. I felt a sudden chill. I had to say something. After all, I just told the guy to stay. It would be pointless for the two for us to just sit here.
"So, do you like Casper?" oh smooth Kevin! Start with that again.
"Yeah he's cool. Very cute." Another honest smile: maybe this was the right area of conversation. "But I don't think I want to be with him. Not yet anyway. I'm not ready. At least I don't think I am anyway. I'm pretty sure I'm not. Well, I'm not sure sure but--"
"Ok, ok. Stop spinning your wheels." I sensed another problem arising. Time for more Dr. Kevin, psychologist. "What's wrong with him? Or is it him at all?"
you guessed it. It's me again. I just don't feel like getting too close to anyone yet. It hurts too much. Ya know what I mean?
Boy did I ever!
"Yeah, I gottcha. I really didn't want to go back with the band. I still feel like there should be no more band. But, I guess life must go on. Hehe, don't I sound like the broken record. All I can tell you is that if you don't want to be with him, than don't be ashamed. I'm sure that if you explain it to him he will understand and give you some time. When you're ready, he'll be there, or else you will decide there is nothing between the two of you and you will go your own ways."
I thought of something that kinda worried me.
"Casper does know that you're here, doesn't he. You didn't just run out on him or anything?"
"Come on Kev. I thought you said you knew me."
Yup, he did.
"I did say that I know you. So did you just leave or not?"
"Well, technically I didn't."
Great, now we're discussing technicalities.
"Technically? Oh, you gotta explain that one. For some reason I was enjoying this.
"Well, when I woke up, I had this feeling of massive guilt. you already know why. So I jumped up and got dressed and was about to leave when I heard him moan. I looked back and he was turning over, as if he was reaching for me. I immediately felt guilty again, but this time, for leaving. So, I wrote a note saying that I needed some time to sort things out and then I left."
"Well, at least you never left without a word. That's good. Did u give him a reason?"
"No. I was kinda hoping that he would know."
He started to cry again.
"Oh man, there's obviously something else. Tell me. you'll feel better."
"I think I love him Kevin. And that's the problem. Like I said I don't want..."
"I know, you don't want to get too close."
Kenny had really gotten himself into quite the situation. What could I say? He was obviously still in pain over losing Brian. he was his fiancé after all. But, he had met Casper and was starting to fall in love with him. After one date??
"Are you sure it's love? I mean it could be that you are just looking for someone to fill a void and Casper was the right person at the right time."
"No, I'm pretty sure I know it's love. It's starting the same way it did with Brian, just not as strong. Then again, I don't think
Wow! Can't say I remember hearing Kenny swear before. I honestly did not know what to say. I really need sleep. I am so tired. Hmmm, now there is an idea.
"Kenny, here is what I think you should do. Go back to your place and get some sleep. When you wake up, you need to sit down somewhere by yourself and go through your feelings. Rememebr what I told you. Brian wants you to move on, and I'm sure that he would tell you that himself if he could get a message through from the other side."
"Yeah...I guess you're right. Thanks Kev."
He wrapped his arms around my neck and gave me a hug. I returned it with one of my own.
"Could you do me a BIG favor first though?"
I released him from the hug and looked him in the eye. I had a feeling I was getting hauled into something here.
"And what might that be?"
"Could you call Casper and explain to him what we just talked about. I know I should do it, but...I'm just not up to it. and maybe it'll sound better coming from you. Please Kev. I really don't think I could handle going over this again, not with him.. not now."
"Ok, but I'm only telling him the basics...u have to explain everything else totally to him urself okay?"
Kenny sighed with relief.
"Deal! Thanks Kev," he said, giving me another hug and then walking to the door. "I really appreciate this!"
He opened the door and stepped out.
"And don't slam the..."
Bang!
"Door."
I could already sense that this was going to be a long day. I wondered what else was going to happen as I laid back down on my bed. I figured I would catch a quick nap before I called Casper. Nick would be by in about an hour. I could wait that long I guess.
Bang! Bang!
I jumped up again. My headache was going to be my companion for the day I guessed.
"Hey Kevin! Come on man, get up!"
Bang! Bang!
"Alright, I'm up already! Jesus!"
"Well, I guess someone has a hangover this morning!"
Nick was laughing at me as he walked back up the hallway. I made a mental note to myself to smack him up side the back of his head at breakfast. i thought to myself, "oh yeah, i better call Casper." hmmm...when did i start talking to myself.
Ring! Ring!
Great now what? I reached over and picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Umm...Kevin?"
Who was that? The voice sounded familiar.
"Yeah?"
"This is Casper Van Dien. Is Kenny there with you?"
Oh boy!
"Ahh...Nope. Why?"
I needed to get the details of this one.
"Well, I woke up and he was gone...All I got was a note saying that he needed some time to think."
"yeah, he told me the same thing. I told him to go home, get some sleep and think over whatever it is he needs to think about. how come u called me?"
"oh, ummm...i guess it's just that last nite u two seemed to talk the most and seemed the closest."
"oh, okay. i was just wondering."
"ok. I hope I didn't do something wrong to upset him."
"No, Casper, it wasn't your fault. he just has to think. He has personal issues he needs to deal with."
"it's about Brian, right?"
This guy was quick.
"Yeah...Brian."
His name was coming up way too much for my personal comfort.
"Oh, Jeez I hope he doesn't decide to stop seeing me. Can I confess something to you?"
Good God, what am I, Dr. Ruth?
"Umm, I guess so."
It felt more like a question than a statement.
"I think I'm in love with Kenny. I can't get him out of my head. Could u like, talk to him for me? You know, let him know how I feel?"
I immediately realized that I was in way too deep. I couldn't afford to get into the middle of this one.
"Look Casper, I think you and Kenny need to get together and talk this out yourselves. But, give him a day to think first, ok?"
I wasn't going to wait for a negative answer on this one.
"Listen, I gotta go. We have a full schedule today and I'm kinda in a hurry. The guys have already come after me once."
Scratch that slap to Nick's head.
"I'll talk to you later, ok?"
"Yeah, I guess you're right. Hey, what's his number?"
"257-4151."
"thanks. Bye, Kevin."
"no problem. bye."
He hung up the phone, but I could easily identify the disappointment in his voice or was it apprehension? I fell back on the bed and scratched my head, trying to make sense of it all. But, when it came right down to it, there was only one thing I could say, "Oh, boy!"
"uggghhhh, why does it hurt so bad. life is so damn annoying," i thought to myself, while laying in bed. after visiting kevin, i had taken his advice and just come home to think. the ride back had seemed to take forever and i had long since ceased my sobbing. finally, the taxi pulled up in front of my house. immediately, i ran up the stairs, avoiding my family, went straight to room, locked the door, and laid down on my bed. it had seen me through a lotta harsh times.
"kenny! fone!" my sis shouted from the foot of the staircase.
a shudder of deja vu went through me. i got up and walked to my parents room.
"hello?"
"ummm...is this kenny?"
"yeah, who is this?"
"it's casper."
"oh."
" don't sound too happy to hear me huh?"
"oh, no, it's okay. i was just...i dunno. but don't worry, i'm not mad or anything. actually, if anyone should be mad, it's you."
"me? why? cus u left? that's okay. i talked to kevin. i understand."
"okay, good. so, any specific reason u called?"
"yeah, i was just wondering if u'd like to meet somewhere. maybe sort out our feelings."
"feelings?" i thought. it can't be. not again.
"ummm...okay. name the time and place."
"well actually, i was hoping you would do that since i'm not familiar with ur town."
"oh yeah. okay. how's about...the mall?"
"sure. how do i get there?"
i gave him the directions and glanced at my watch. it was only 9:30, so i decided we meet at for lunch at one. with the appointment set, we hung up.
"okay, so what do i do now?" i thought to myself. walking back to my room, i figured that i had to shower and dress before meeting him. so, i picked out some clothes and went to the bathroom. i turned the knob so the hot water would come out full blast. the scalding water felt so soothing and i just stood there with my head in my hands, relaxing. eventually, the hot water started to dissappear so i quickly washed my hair and soaped myself. after rinsing, i turned the faucet and got out. when i had dressed, i went to my room and grabbed my cap. after putting it on, i went back down to tell my parents where i was going later. when i finished telling them, i checked the clock and saw it was 10:46. i contemplated my next move and finally decided to go online. soon, before i knew it, it was 12:50. i started off for the mall.
when i got there, i went straight to the food court, the specified meeting place. i only waited for a while before he arrived. wearing a dark green old navy fleece, a pair of loose jeans, and a black nike cap, he looked well i camoflaged.
"have trouble getting here?" i asked in greeting.
"naw, it was easy to find especially since it's the only mall around."
"yeah, that's how most people find it. let's get something to eat first."
"ok."
we walked around for a while, scanning which place to eat at. i picked the taco bell and he did as well. after getting our food, we sat down and started eating. about a minute later, he began the dreaded conversation.
"so, how are u feeling?"
"i'm...not well. one thing u should know is that it's not because of u."
"yeah, kev told me. he said it had something to do with ur former lover."
"yeah...see, the thing is, i feel all this guilt about last night and about..." i said, trailing off.
"about what?"
"...i think, no, i'm sure that i'm falling for u."
there was a long pause while he sat there and thought. i just continued eating, looking around.
"okay. i can deal with that. mostly cus i feel the same."
"ur kidding right?" i asked in disbelief.
"actually, no. i probably feel the same way for you as you feel for me."
"hmmm...i doubt it, but okay. what i don't get is how can this be after only one night."
"well, how was it with you and..."
"u can say it. hmmm...i don't remember. i think it was the same. after one night of sex, we were in love. of course, i had already been lusting after him before. it just became solid reality after."
"okay, i'll buy that. so then why can't it be the same with us?"
"i dunno...see the thing is, i feel this massive guilt cus inside, i'm thinking love should only be with one person right? and that's already happened for me."
"that makes sense. but look at me. i was married before. i thought it was love and was so sure, but it turned out to be wrong."
"yeah, so then how do we know this is real?"
"we don't. gotta trust our instincts. mine says to go on."
"luckily, so do mine. of course, there's still that little voice whispering guilt into my ear."
"well, how about this? i'm all for this relationship to happen now, but if ur not comfortable, then it's okay. i can wait for you."
i leaned back and ran that thought through my mind. would he really wait for me to make a choice? what if i took to long? but then i thought about it again. would brian have waited for me? yes. would i have waited for brian? yes. what he was saying must've come straight from his heart. i made my choice.
"okay. i'm all for this too. 100%."
"ur sure? i really don't want you feeling bad or anything."
"i'm sure. it's okay, u can't stop it anyway."
"okay. so now that that's decided, what do we do?"
"well...i sorta have been hungering for a little more. don't u think dessert would be nice?"
"sure. what do u wanna get?"
laughing, i said, "no, look deeper into that sentence."
his face looked so funny, but in a cute way, when his confused look morphed into one of realization. he grinned.
"come on, let's go then."
"we'll go to ur hotel okay? my house sorta has people around."
"no prob."
we exited the mall at a brisk pace and went to the nearest big street. i saw a taxi and flagged it down. after a few minutes that passed quickly with us holding hands, we arrived at his hotel. the room looked different with the bright sun streaming profusely through the window.
"come on, let's go to the bed this time," he said.
"okay."
when we reached there, he immediately shoved me down onto the bed and grabbed my shirt, pulling it off in no time flat. while licking my belly, his hands reached for my fly and he pulled off my jeans easily. soon, his head was bobbing up and down on my dick like he was going for the gold. i ran my hands through his hair and then slipped them under his shirt. after retracing the body i had discovered the night before, i was so high, i came. he drank it all down, choking at first from surprise, but then swallowed it easily. i decided that he needed some pleasing too. after pulling the shirt over his head, i explored the body i had come to love for a third time, only this time, i used my tongue. he moaned and started wriggling when i reached his nipples. my hands pulled his pants off and in a flash, i was riding on the cock i had ached for. going in and out quickly had casper soon blowing his load into me with it overflowing a lot. he laid back his head, smiling, as the orgasm subsided. i fell backwards and turned around, looking once again, into the deep oceans that were his eyes, kissing his lips softly. we pressed together harder and my arms wrapped around him, pulling him close, molding us into one. after an eternity, we released for a breath of air. i smiled.
"u know, i have something to confess," he said.
"what?" i asked, raising my left eyebrow.
"ur actually...my first time...with a guy...,"
i stood up, shocked, the smile fading from my face. looking him over, i thought of the two times we had had sex. i wondered why i didn't realize it.
"but...but...didn't u say u had experiences before?"
"well, that's what i'm confessing. i lied. i just really wanted you."
my mouth went up and down without any words coming out. i had to ponder this new turn of events.
"that's...really flattering," i finally said.
his handsome smile revealed itself again and i smiled, too.
"u aren't mad or anything r u?"
"mad? no. surprised? yes. care? no. flattered still? yes."
he laughed and i joined in. i laid back down and put my head on his chest. we just lay there, with me in his arms, passing the time with each other's prescence.