This story is fiction. The city of Clifton, and the University of Clifton, exist only in my imagination. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. These stories have as their main character a sexually active gay college student. If this is offensive to you, or if it is illegal in your area, or if you are under age, please leave now.
This story involves a search for personal acceptance, worth, and meaning. There is a religious element in these stories. If you don't like that, maybe now is a good time to leave.
My stories develop slowly. If you're in a hurry, this is probably not for you.
Thanks to Colin for editing.
Constructive comments are welcome on my e-mail at pertinax.carrus@gmail.com.
Bryce, Chapter 21 - Mike
It was only after Nan left on Sunday evening that Bryce realized he had not had his usual Sunday afternoon talk with his mother. Therefore, after returning to campus and dropping off Damon and DuBois, he called her. Martha was clearly delighted that he had done so, and that he was more positive and upbeat than usual. When Bryce reported that Nan was on her way back to her campus, and that the weekend had gone very well, indeed, Martha was practically purring in response. It was obvious that she had been worried about her son, and was reading between the lines that now all was well. Of course, he always told her that, but she did not trust him to tell her if he were having difficulties. She knew he was having difficulties, and he kept saying he was okay, didn't he?
After establishing a positive atmosphere, Bryce decided to come clean with his mother. Nan would certainly tell her everything before long anyway. "Mom, there's something very important I need to tell you."
Cautiously, Martha responded, "You know I'm always here for you, Bryce."
"Yeah. Nan made me realize that I've been unnecessarily worried. I know this won't be easy, and it's not news you'll like, but it's very, very important for me, okay?"
"Yes, dear."
"I've been struggling with this for a long time, but I've finally admitted to myself, and to Nan, that I'm gay," Bryce stated.
There was a silence on the line. He was not at all sure what to expect. Had Nan been overly optimistic about their mother's reaction? What if ...?
But then Martha responded. "When you say gay, you mean homosexual, right?"
"Yes, Mom. That's what homosexual guys usually call themselves," Bryce carefully answered.
"I thought so. Are you sure?"
"Yes, Mom, I'm sure. This is not something I just decided on a whim. In fact, when it comes right down to it, it's not something I decided at all. It's just something I am. Except, for about the past two years or so, I haven't wanted to admit it. Now, I can face that reality. It's not easy."
"No, I don't suppose it is. There will be problems," Martha said.
"I know. Knowing about all the problems is something that kept me from admitting this for a long time, but it was tearing me up, Mom. I can't go on denying who I really am. I'm working on the other problems. I really am."
"All right. I must admit this is not entirely unexpected. Nan and I have discussed it. I was hoping we were wrong, because of the problems you'll have. But if you're sure, we'll just have to get past those problems."
"Thank you, Mom," Bryce said, with tears in his eyes and a catch in his throat. "With you and Nan in my corner, how can I fail?"
"You pray about it, Bryce," his mother admonished him.
"I do, Mom. And I'll continue to pray. I need all the help I can get," Bryce admitted. "I need to go now, Mom. I'm getting all broken up. Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
"I love you, Son," Martha said, as they signed off.
Bryce sat and thought about his mother and Nan. He was truly blessed to have a mother and sister like them who truly cared. One more important question answered. With a renewed sense of well-being, he walked down to Pat's Tavern, where he had agreed to meet Damon and DuBois. They spent the rest of the evening there.
On Monday morning Bryce awoke at six o'clock. He had trained himself to awaken at that hour, and did so now even without an alarm. Despite the fact that it was part of the fall break, and despite the fact that his usual work-out partner, Curtis, was out of town, he was going to the gym, but not right away. The previous evening at Pat's he had made a deal with Damon. Damon would go to the gym with him, but at 10:30. In return, Bryce would give Damon some help with his soccer. So Bryce instead spent about an hour at the indoor pool, inspired by his experiences with his sister. Then he had something to eat, and returned to his room, where he worked on his term papers and exams until it was time to rouse Damon. He was determined to get the penultimate versions of his Psychology and Biology papers finished over the break, plus a rough draft of his Milton paper for Dr. Drake. In addition, there was the Milton mid term exam on the Thursday after classes resumed, and a French exam on Friday.
After rousing Damon, who was obviously intent on taking full advantage of the break to sleep as much as he wanted, the two guys departed for the gym, where Damon did as much spotting Bryce and talking as he did working out. Still, they enjoyed the togetherness, especially the hot tub and the sauna, which left both feeling refreshed and frisky. After lunch, which was also breakfast for Damon, they spent about an hour going over soccer essentials before Bryce departed for his meeting with Mike Sandoval.
Entering the study room in the library where they usually met with their Milton group, Bryce found Mike there before him. He had been working on his own Milton paper, it seems.
"Hey! Thanks for agreeing to meet with me," Bryce greeted his friend.
"Glad to, amigo. I have this feeling you've been wanting to talk to me for a while. Am I right?"
"Geez! Everybody in this entire frigging place is a mind reader!" Bryce exclaimed.
"You're not as inscrutable as you think. You have an expressive face, and pretty clear body language, if anyone takes the time to observe you," Mike explained.
"And you took the time?"
"Yeah. So, let's put our cards on the table. You're gay, right? And you're attached in some way to Damon, right?"
"Right on both scores," Bryce admitted. "Geez, everybody knows. First it was Curtis and Maddy, then it was Damon, and then my sister. Am I that obvious?"
"No. Not unless somebody knows what to look for. Don't worry," Mike reassured him with a grin.
"Is this that gaydar thing I hear about? I seem to have missed out when that was being passed out."
"Mostly a matter of knowing what to look for," Mike countered. "Now, tell me about it yourself."
"When I first came to campus, back in August, I was still trying to come to grips with the possibility that I was gay," Bryce said. "I didn't want to admit it, because it could cause all kinds of problems with my family and with the Church. Some things have happened since then. Now I can admit it, at least to my friends, and I think you knew all along anyway. And Damon is my boyfriend. We're still working out exactly what that means."
"Okay. That's pretty clear, and more or less what I expected. So, let me be just as up front. I think you've been wondering about me, am I right?"
"Yeah. And frankly, Mike, I'm still not sure," Bryce admitted.
"After all the hints Kyle keeps dropping? Well, anyway, I'm gay. I've been out to my family since I was fifteen. They've been great. I don't have a current boyfriend. I did. Someone I thought was really special. We were together for nearly two years, since my freshman year. But .... Well, not to put too fine a point on it, he dumped me back during the summer. I'm sort of getting over that slowly," Mike said, shifting uncomfortably.
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be nosy. I thought maybe you could help me, but not if it's going to be a problem for you," Bryce said.
"Help you in what way? Problems with Damon? I'm not too good with advice for the love lorn just now," Mike said with some bitterness. "All I can do along those lines is assure you I do not believe in breaking up other people's relationships, so don't worry about that."
"No. Damon and I are doing fine at this point. Remember what we were talking about yesterday after Mass. I'm having problems fitting being gay in with being Catholic, and you seem to have it all figured out," Bryce suggested hopefully.
"Ha! I wish! I have maybe ten percent figured out," Mike said. "I know that I'm gay, and that I can't live a celibate life, and I know that I'm Catholic, and I'm not going to let a bunch of homophobes chase me out of my Church."
"That sounds exactly like what I need to talk about," Bryce asserted. "How do you deal with things like Father Payne's sermon two weeks ago?"
"I walk out on him, as you saw," Mike responded. "Back when I was a sophomore in high school, and had my own problems coming to grips with my sexuality, I had the advantage of a really great spiritual advisor there at the school. We talked a lot. He made me see that I had just as much right to be in the Church as the priests and bishops."
"But, isn't gay sex against the teachings of the Church?" Bryce asked, forgetting some of what Father Miller had told him only two days earlier.
"Depends on what you mean by 'teachings.' I asked my advisor the same question. I'll share with you what he told me. Stick to the essentials. Did Jesus condemn gay sex?"
"Um, well, not that I recall," Bryce hedged.
"Believe me, I checked. It's not even mentioned. There are passages about 'immorality,' but what does that mean? I don't think sex with a guy I truly care about is immoral," Mike said.
"Oh. Well, yeah, I guess I see that," Bryce replied uncertainly.
"Is there anything about gay sex in the Apostles Creed or the Nicene Creed?" Mike pushed.
"No. I'm sure of that," Bryce answered.
"Can you cite a doctrinal decree of any general council which condemns gay sex?" Mike continued.
"Well, I don't know of any, but I haven't investigated them all," Bryce again hedged his reply.
"I haven't either," Mike admitted, "but my advisor said there were none. Any infallible decree of any pope on gay sex?"
"No. I know that, because I remember in a religion class being told there had only been two formal infallible papal decrees, apart from confirming decisions of general councils. Those concern the doctrines of the Immaculate Conception and the Assumption," Bryce replied with assurance this time.
"So," Mike said, "where is this 'teaching' of the Church condemning gay sex?"
"Well, there are various documents from the Vatican and the American bishops ...," Bryce began.
'... which are advisory," Mike interrupted. "No one is excommunicated for rejecting that advice. Those are efforts of church bureaucrats, mostly church lawyers, to apply basic teachings, but in the final analysis, according to my advisor in high school, on all such matters the individual conscience is the final authority."
"Really?"
"That's what I was told, and that's what I'm sticking with," Mike insisted. "Let me ask you something. You were raised Catholic, right?"
"Yeah, right."
"You like belonging to the Church?"
"Yeah. Like I told Damon, I agree with almost everything except the sex parts. I truly love the physical relationship with Jesus in the Eucharist. And, geez, Mike, I'm a history major. I love the past. I love continuity, and a long genealogy. It makes me feel good to think I'm part of something that's been around for nearly two thousand years, and that I'm part of the same thing as so many historical characters."
"I get that. It's part of what is called 'the communion of saints' in the Apostles Creed. And we're also part of the biggest organization in the world," Mike added.
"The biggest?"
"Yeah. I did the numbers. There are about 6.5 billion people in the world today. About 2.1 billion of those are Christians, or nearly 30%. And about 1.1 billion are Catholics, or nearly 17% of the world's population are Catholic. In the United Stares, the figures are different. About 76.5% of the US population claim belief in some kind of Christianity, or about 240 million people. Roughly another 10% claim some belief in God. About 76.4 million are Catholic, the largest single denomination, but only about 24.5 % of the population. Still, in the world, there are more Catholics than all other Christians combined. In addition to all that, the Catholic Church is the largest religious body in the world, with Sunni Moslems coming a close second. So, I figure, play the numbers. Stick with a winning thing. If I don't like something about the Church, try to change her from within, but don't go off half cocked and join some tiny man-made minority just to avoid hard decisions. It's really special to be Catholic, so I'm not giving it up. Besides, it satisfies me."
"Wow, Mike, you have all those figures at your fingertips," Bryce said admiringly.
With a guilty expression, Mike admitted, "I kind of knew what you wanted to talk about, so I looked up a few things before I came over here. I don't remember the numbers from when I was 15. Shit, man, that was five years ago. I do remember the points my advisor made, though. So I just looked up some figures to fill in the blanks."
Bryce laughed. "You did a good job of impressing me. So, what you're saying, if I got it correct, is that gay sex is not against any definite doctrine of the Catholic Church, but only against - what? - advisory decisions by the hierarchy? The individual conscience is the final authority in such cases. And it's great to be a part of something that stretches back two thousand years and includes more people than any other religious body?"
"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up," Mike said.
"But, are numbers the determining factor?" Bryce asked. "I mean, could the Church still not be the truth?"
"Theoretically, sure. Theoretically all religions could be wrong. One thing is certain: they can't all be right, since they contradict each other on important points. I'm no philosopher or theologian, Bryce. I'm an English major. But I know damn well that a lot of smart people have given a lot of thought to these questions, and this is the best I can come up with. It seems to me, it's either this, or being in a state of suspended knowledge forever. What do they call that? Agnosticism. That means you don't know. Well, I don't know about you, but I can't go through life saying I don't know. And it seems to me that agnostics act like there's no God and no objective morality anyway, even if they say they don't know. I'm sure there are more erudite answers, but this works for me. It's part of my cultural and religious heritage, and I find it satisfactory most of the time, so that's good enough for me," Mike concluded.
"You've given me an awful lot to think about. Damon complains that I think too much, but this is important. It kind of determines an awful lot about what my life is going to be like from here on in. Thanks. And thanks for the personal information as well," Bryce said.
"I'm not ashamed of my sexual orientation. I am what I am. I'm quoting that great philosopher Popeye," Mike said with a grin.
"I know. But still, I'll respect your privacy. It does no good to go around spreading private information about people, even if it's true," Bryce declared.
"Right. It's nobody's business except the people involved. We're agreed," Mike concluded with a smile. "And I won't try to horn in on your boyfriend, like I said before, but I hope we can still be friends."
"Sure, why not?" Bryce asked with some surprise.
"Well, I've heard some straight guys say there was no such thing as a genuine friendship between a straight man and woman. Sex always come into the equation. And my ex said the same applied to gay relationships."
"I don't agree with your ex," Bryce said. "Maybe it's just because I've only recently admitted I'm gay, but I just think of you as a friend, Mike, not as a rival to Damon. The same as Curtis, for example. I mean, I can recognize that you're a good looking guy and all, but Damon is my boyfriend. It's like I told my sister. I can recognize that she's a good looking woman, but that doesn't mean I want to go to bed with her."
"I'm glad I came to know you, Bryce," Mike said. "You're special."
That left Bryce flustered, at a loss as to how to respond. Mike came to the rescue by changing the subject entirely.
"I've been working on my paper for the Milton class over the break," he essayed, glancing at the array of books and papers on the table next to him.
"Yeah, me too," Bryce said, with some relief that he found himself on solid ground once again, escaping the uncertain footing of emotional relationships.
"My paper is on some of the background to Paradise Lost. You know, it's really odd, but a man as well educated as Milton, was still using a geocentric world view a century after Copernicus," Mike commented.
"Really? I'm surprised. I have my own doubts about some of Milton's views based on my own topic, but I didn't know he was so far out of touch with the latest scientific outlook," Bryce responded.
"Yeah. Copernicus published his De revolutionibus orbium coelestium in 1543, and Milton first published his Paradise Lost in 1667, well over a century later. I don't know yet whether he didn't know about the heliocentric universe, or he just decided to ignore it. But it's pretty definite that his world view was no different than that of the ancient Greeks and Romans. It's kind of like the fundamentalists today insisting that the world was created in 4004 B.C. in the face of all the scientific evidence to the contrary."
"That's a good analogy," Bryce decided. "I hope you include it in your paper. It kind of fits into what I have discovered about Milton, too."
"How so?" Mike asked.
"Well, it's not an exact fit. But he was pretty definitely a fundamentalist in his own way. He claimed his religious views were based on the literal words of the Bible. And, like most of today's fundamentalists, he is much fonder of the angry God of the Old Testament than the loving God of Jesus, and was pretty anti-Catholic."
"Oh, yeah. You're doing something on Milton and the Catholics aren't you?" Mike remembered.
"Yeah. I started out with this idea that he was a great champion of religious liberty. That was the impression I got from most of the general surveys I looked at. But then Dr. Drake told me to narrow the topic, and I looked into it more deeply. After reading his tract called Of True Religion, I found out that he was only in favor of tolerating various kinds of Protestants," Bryce explained.
"Really? Why was that? Have you found an answer?" Mike asked.
"I have a tentative conclusion," Bryce said. "In his writings, Milton cites all the typical polemical reasons common in his day for excluding Catholics. A lot of them are still around. There are the lies and misrepresentations common to the propaganda of the times, such as the Church is against the Bible, and the Church promotes worshiping the Blessed Virgin and the other saints. And, of course, the pope is the Whore of Babylon and the Antichrist who has purposely subverted the true Gospel for his own advantage. That comes out in his work called On Reformation. Listen to the ranting of any televangelist and you can get the same things. But the only thing which I feel really matters to Milton, and to a lot of others as well, is the accusation that the Catholic Church is foreign. It's not English. Just how you can be the universal Church and still be specifically English he never explains, or why being catholic with a small 'c' is a problem."
"When you come right down to it, Milton is simply not honest when he writes about the Catholic Church. For example, in his Defensio secunda he describes his visit to Italy. In it, he says he stood up to the Catholic authorities during his first visit to Rome, and stoutly defended the 'true' faith, to the extent that he was warned that his life was in danger. Yet, he returned to Rome a second time for two months, was given a special tour through the Vatican Library, and was the guest of the Pope's nephew at an operatic production. It sure doesn't look like he was in any danger because of his outspoken support of Protestant ideas. He also spent some time with the English Jesuits in Rome, evidently without much difficulty, but doesn't mention this at all. I found a quotation from the Dutch scholar Daniel Heinsius, Milton's older contemporary, who knew him in the 1630s, which I think probably more accurately reflects what the Italians thought of him. Heinsius wrote that the Italians despised him because of his excessively strict morals. Sounds to me like Milton was a self-righteous prig."
"I don't think I like Milton much as a person, even while I admire his poetry," Mike said.
"I'm getting that same impression," Bryce said. "All that stuff about refuting the errors of the Romans and leaving them impressed with his erudition sounds unlikely to me. After all, we're talking about Romans who were still living off the reputation of the Renaissance. In the 1630s and 40s Italy was still the artistic center of Europe, and Rome was certainly one of the capitols of music, painting, architecture, and the like for the entire Western world. They probably saw Milton as a provincial filled with his own self-importance. They had been witnessing these visits from northern Europeans, whom they saw as semi-barbarians, for centuries."
"So, does this explain Milton's anti-Catholicism? He was not sufficiently appreciated by Roman society?" Mike asked.
"I think that's part of it. But there's also something much more personal," Bryce said.
"Oh?"
"Yeah. I checked into his family background. His grandfather was a staunch Catholic, who had a falling out with Milton's father when the latter married a Protestant and conformed to the official state church. Milton's father came to London, and never spoke with his own father again. The father, who was also named John, was disinherited as a result of what the grandfather saw as cowardly abandonment of the Faith in response to social and political pressures. I think there was a family feud behind Milton's personal anti-Catholicism," Bryce concluded.
"It sounds like it," Mike said. "You've come up with some really interesting perspectives on John Milton."
"That's because I'm training to be an historian. Naturally, I look at the context when I want to understand a person or event," Bryce boasted.
"You know, I'm glad I got to know you," Mike complimented him again.
Bryce blushed. Mike laughed.
They began to break up, Mike saying he wanted to get in a little more work on his own project before he had to report for work.
"My father is taking advantage of our being out of class to schedule me and Kyle for work every evening, and I've got tomorrow afternoon as well. He lives and breathes that restaurant," Mike said.
"I guess he must be disappointed that you won't be following in the family business," Bryce said, thinking of his own situation.
"Yeah, I guess, but he's been pretty good about it. After all, there's still Kyle," Mike replied.
"Oh, yeah. Your brother. How does he fit into things?"
"Kyle likes the restaurant business, despite all his griping. I mean, he's 17, so he's supposed to gripe, right? But Kyle has every intention of following in the family business, and that satisfies our father."
"And Kyle is ... straight?" Bryce asked.
"Oh yeah! Kyle is quite the lady's man. I don't think he has a serious girlfriend, but he never lacks for a date, and I have no doubt that he never lacks for sex, either. He'll carry on the Sandoval family, as well as the Sandoval business," Mike assured his friend.
"I think you're a little jealous," Bryce kidded.
"Maybe a little," Mike said seriously. "Kyle won't have some of the problems I will, because he's more in the main stream of American society. Look at his name. I don't know what happened, but on my birth certificate I'm Juan Miguel, but four years later he's Kyle Andrew. I think my folks went through a phase of Anglicization."
"And your sister is named Terry?" Bryce furthered.
"Well, no. For the daughter they went back to being Hispanic. We call her Terry, just like I'm called Mike, but her official name is Maria Teresa, for the Blessed Virgin and St. Teresa of Avila," Mike explained.
Bryce shook his head. "I'm glad you've got the Catholic thing figured out. You have enough on your plate with the Hispanic thing to keep anyone busy."
"Friend, we never have everything totally figured out," Mike informed him. "We just do the best we can."