This story is fiction. The city of Clifton, and the University of Clifton, exist only in my imagination. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. These stories have as their main character a sexually active gay college student. If this is offensive to you, or if it is illegal in your area, or if you are under age, please leave now.
This story involves a search for personal acceptance, worth, and meaning. There is a religious element in these stories. If you don't like that, maybe now is a good time to leave.
My stories develop slowly. If you're in a hurry, this is probably not for you.
Thanks to Colin for editing.
Constructive criticism is welcome on my e-mail at perti@live.com.
Bryce, Chapter 15 - Back in the Saddle
True to his prediction, after working to clean up after the SAT cook-out on Labor Day, Bryce did not arise at six a.m. the following morning as he usually did. Oddly enough, he had no more difficulty than usual getting Damon up in time for his English class. Over a quick breakfast, Damon explained that he often was up late, which according to him proved the benefits of staying up late at night and avoiding early morning exercise. Bryce was not convinced.
Both guys had English classes beginning at 9:30, but Damon was in a sophomore level survey of English literature course, while Bryce was in his Milton class. When he showed up for Milton looking the worse for wear, Mike Sandoval teased him, making fun of his pledging activities associated with SAT, but declined to commit himself on what the pledges in his fraternity had been doing the previous day. That, he said, was something only members and pledges needed to know. Mike remained a good friend, despite his obvious disappointment that Bryce had chosen to pledge a rival fraternity. It was Mike who suggested that it might be useful for some of them to get together from time to time to go over the Milton materials, as it would be quite a bit to digest by the time they got to the mid-term examination Dr. Drake had scheduled. Maddy Moore overheard this remark and responded that she had been thinking the same thing, so she was definitely interested. Before and after class, some six students expressed an interest, with Mike taking the lead in finding a place to meet, and a time which was possible for all six of them. He would let people know on Thursday what he had arranged.
Bryce was still uncertain about Mike's sexual orientation. He did not want to offend his friend by assuming that his younger brother's remark was necessarily true, but at the same time, if Mike actually were gay, maybe he could help with some of the issues which still troubled Bryce. Mike seemed to be at ease with his Catholicism, while for Bryce there seemed to be an insuperable barrier between what he believed as a Catholic and what he felt as a gay male. Not only because of his background, but also because of what he believed to be a spiritual experience on his first Sunday at St. Boniface, Bryce was unwilling to consider separating from the Catholic Church. He also was convinced that neither Father Payne nor either of the deacons at St. Boniface would be very helpful in this struggle. They tended to repeat standard teachings without much depth to their sermons, so Bryce assumed their spiritual counseling would be along those same lines. That was fine for people with no serious problems with Vatican pronouncements, but was no help at all for someone like himself. Consequently, Bryce was on the look-out for someone who could give him some suggestions, and, if Mike were indeed gay, he seemed a likely candidate. Try as he might, though, Bryce could not discern any really strong clues. As far as he knew, Mike was not involved in a heterosexual relationship, like Curtis and Maddy, but there was nothing about him which indicated homosexuality either. He remained a mystery, and as long as he was a mystery, he was no help in resolving Bryce's dilemmas.
After class, Bryce, Mike, Maddy, and another student called Jennifer Simpson went to the library to put in a little time on their research projects. As they entered, Mike remembered that the library had some student study areas which were open around the clock, but he did not know whether one might be reserved for a special study group, so he went off to check on that. The other three went into the stacks, and resumed their individual researches. About a half hour later, Mike reappeared to inform then that the study group would meet in a particular room, which was reserved for them alone, on Wednesday evenings from seven to ten. He would contact the other interested students by e-mail rather than wait until Thursday, so they could begin the next day. Bryce thanked Mike, and made a note of the day, time, and place.
Shortly after noon, he left to meet Damon at the University Center. This was not a downstairs day, so they went through the cafeteria line, making jokes about what some of the offerings might be. This seemed to annoy a supervisor behind the counter, but the student workers had big grins on their faces. The two guys found a table and settled in to have some lunch. It was not bad, it was just bland and tasteless. Fortunately, Bryce and Damon were so interested in each other they did not mind very much.
After a review of their respective mornings, Bryce asked, "What do you know about Mike? In one of your patented disappearing acts, you indicated that you might know something about him being gay."
Damon grinned at that description of his activities. He answered, "It's just the vibes I get, man. I can't explain it, but I know he's gay, too."
"That's no help. Is this that mysterious gaydar I've heard about?"
"I guess. I've heard it called that. But when I meet another gay guy, I get these signals, like," Damon asserted. "I've never been wrong yet. I knew about you, didn't I, Dude?"
"Okay, if gays have this ability to recognize each other, how come I have no idea whether Mike is gay or not?" Bryce asked.
"Simple, Dude," Damon replied. "You're too new at this, and too unsure of yourself. Once you fully accept that you're gay, and get to know some other gay guys, your gaydar will click in, I bet."
"Sounds kind of doubtful to me, like Ouija or holding a s‚ance," Bryce complained.
"You think too much," Damon concluded.
After lunch, the two friends departed for the Fitness Center. Bryce would be attending his karate class, while Damon would be learning more about soccer. Things were not going all that well in the karate class, and it had nothing to do with the instructor. Ms. Cheng certainly seemed to know what she was doing. The problem was, Bryce didn't.
Ms. Cheng led them through a series of moves, almost like the ballet Wayne, the homophobic guy in the dorm, so despised. As long as she was leading, telling them exactly what to do, Bryce did fine. He certainly had no physical problems doing the exercises. Bryce was athletic enough, as indicated by his prowess on the soccer field. And he did not think he was especially klutzy. But he simply could not get his head around the series of moves his instructor seemed to want. He could do each move, but he found himself as often as not doing the wrong move. On that Tuesday after the Labor Day holiday, Bryce seemed especially dense. Ms. Cheng had to correct him over and over. Finally, she said, "You just don't seem to be getting it, Bryce. I'm going to assign you a personal instructor. One of the students who is getting things easily."
Bryce hoped it would be one of the hot looking guys in the class. Instead, to his deep chagrin, Bryce was assigned to work with a girl. She was a very intense girl, named Caroline Koehler, who, admittedly, seemed to be doing everything right. Caroline in fact seemed to take to karate like the proverbial duck to water. Somewhat diffidently, Caroline approached Bryce.
"Hi. Mrs. Cheng indicated you were having some troubles with these latest manoeuvers," Caroline began.
"Yeah, well, just a temporary glitch. I'll be fine," Bryce insisted.
"This isn't the first time you've had problems," Caroline observed. "I've kind of noticed you."
"Oh, you have, have you?" Bryce replied, not feeling very cooperative. In fact, he felt totally humiliated at being assigned a female fellow student to help him with his karate moves. This resulted in something less than his usual level of courtesy. "I think I can do it on my own, thanks," he insisted.
But then, when he tried doing it on his own, as he moved from one set to another, he got confused, his feet became embrangled, so that he tripped himself, and landed on his keister. Caroline could not help laughing, which only ticked off Bryce all the more. Fortunately, it was time for the end of the class then, so Ms. Cheng brought Bryce's torture to an end.
As class broke up, Caroline said, "I didn't mean to embarrass you."
"No problem," Bryce replied. "I was in a foul mood. Didn't get enough sleep last night. Not your fault. Everything will be okay by next week."
"Well, okay," Caroline said, obviously not convinced. "I'll see you next week. Unless you decide to come by Rebecca Ruth again, that is."
"Rebecca Ruth?" Bryce replied, mystified.
"Yeah. Wasn't that you who came by, with that black guy, back during the first week of the semester?" Caroline asked.
"Oh! Oh yeah. You mean the Home Ec building. I forgot about that. Great desserts. But what's your connection there?" Bryce unwisely asked.
So Caroline explained to him, at great length, that Home Ec was no longer the proper identification of the discipline. She was a Culinary Science minor, she said. Home Ec was kind of demeaning, putting women in an inferior place, whereas Culinary Science rightly placed it on the same level as other vocational disciplines. Besides, there were guys in Culinary Science these days, who probably would not have signed up if it were still called Home Ec.
Bryce had a flash picture of effeminate guys cooking cakes, then was thoroughly ashamed of himself. This stereotype did not mesh very well with his recent acceptance of the fact that he was gay. But it was recent, and he had a lot of revising of previous impressions to do.
"You're blushing!" Caroline laughed.
"Just ... ah, well ... Okay. You said you were a Culinary Science minor. What's your major?" he asked, just to change the subject.
"Music," she replied. "I play the violin. I'm a string major. And I'm in the chamber music quartet," she replied proudly. "Sometime you'll have to come hear us perform. But you're avoiding the main point. I'll be glad to help you next week if you have trouble getting the moves right. Got to go now. I have a rehearsal." And so Caroline disappeared down the walkway, leaving Bryce more confused than ever.
Damon came along. He had been in his soccer class. Thanks to his experiences on Saturday, he did better than previously. He observed Caroline as she disappeared down the path. "Nice looking girl. In your class?"
"Yeah. She wants to teach me the proper moves," Bryce said, without realizing the double entendre implied.
Damon picked up right away. "You be careful. You're mine, not up for grabs."
"Huh? What do you mean?" Then, understanding flooding in, he laughed, "No way, man. Even if I were straight. You've got to be kidding."
Damon grinned. This time he had Bryce at a disadvantage.
They spent some time helping finish the clean-up at the fraternity house, but most of it was done before they got there by pledges who had more free time on a Tuesday afternoon. They were under orders to show up again at the business meeting, which began at 7:30, but pledges were to be there no later than 7:15. Still, that was three hours away, and the only thing scheduled was dinner. Bryce wanted to work on one of his class assignments, but Damon had something else in mind. They discussed their options as they made their way back to Clay Hall. Bryce felt he had established a sufficiently close relationship with Damon, especially after his admission of his homosexuality during their conversation in the park, that he could ask his neighbor to assist him with his Psychology "research project." He had hesitated previously because some of the questions seemed quite personal, yet some of the tests seemed to require a second person to administer or evaluate them. Damon, on the other hand, wanted to begin Bryce's instruction in gayness by introducing him to some gay web sites. By the time they reached the dorm, a compromise had been reached. Damon would help Bryce with his Psychology project, but not today, and in return Bryce would help Damon in his World History course, which had a short quiz coming up. But at least an hour before departing for dinner, Bryce would allow Damon to show him some sites on the internet which he thought were what he called "informative."
Professor Dickinson had scheduled a quiz for Friday, September 18, in Damon's World History course. This was not a major test, but rather a ten minute quiz, consisting merely of identifying five out of seven terms the Professor would write on the board. It counted for 10% of the student's grade, but Dr. Dickinson warned the students that he expected their answers to include what he called the "historical significance" of the terms, i.e., not just who or what, but why they were important. This first quiz would cover the civilizations of ancient Asia and Africa, especially the origins of civilization in Mesopotamia, Egypt, India, and China. That was a lot, as Damon complained, but a course which claimed to cover the whole of World History in two semesters was necessarily superficial, so they did not go into anything very deeply. Bryce had a similar AP course in high school. He identified a few major events and persons in each culture, and tried to get Damon to see why they were important, and how they related to the general pattern of developing civilizations. This approach seemed to make sense to Damon, who found it easier than trying to memorize each detail independently.
About five thirty, Damon took over, utilizing Bryce's computer to access some sites he knew about which he thought might give his boyfriend some useful information about being gay. If Bryce thought Damon a difficult student when it came to history, that was nothing compared to Bryce's naivit‚ with respect to homosexuality and gay sex. His knowledge was entirely theoretical at this point. So, Damon led him through a number of sites which depicted various types of gay sexual activity. "You have to find out what appeals to you, and what doesn't," Damon insisted, "and it's a lot safer doing it on the web than trying it in person." The BDSM sites were a definite turn-off, which Damon found with relief. Bryce also had no interest in older, hairy men, nor did he find piercings and tattoos (or what was called on some sites 'body art') attractive. Bryce's comment was, "Those guys must not like their bodies very much, if they mutilate them like that." By the time they had gone through a series of sites, they were pleased to find that their tastes were quite similar, a good sign for their future relationship. Then, before departing for dinner, Damon introduced Bryce to some sites devoted to narratives with gay themes. The visual images were fine, he said, but from them alone you have no real idea what people are thinking and feeling. Read some stories. It was almost a homework assignment.
At 7:15 that evening Bryce, Damon, and the other pledges were gathered in the large meeting room at the Sigma Alpha Tau house. Curtis, in his capacity as Pledge Master, introduced the pledges to their faculty sponsor, Dr. John A. Dickinson, who greeted them, mentioning that he had already met some of them in his professional capacity. As he said this, his gaze rested on Bryce, which let Bryce know he was being observed. He remembered his initial interview with Professor Dickinson, so he knew that gaze meant there would be no special treatment. Curtis then told the pledges that, during the meeting, they would be given specific information and assignments. The pledges were lined up in chairs near the front of the room, where a table was set up for the presiding officer. By the time these messages had been delivered, the room was beginning to fill up with the SAT brothers.
Tom Blankenship, the President, opened the meeting. The Vice-President led the Pledge of Allegiance and the fraternity Chaplain led a non-denominational prayer. Then, there was a motion that, because of the presence of the pledges, the reading of the minutes of the last meeting be postponed until after the recess. That taken care of, Tom relinquished the gavel to Curtis. He introduced each of the new pledges, and asked each to say a few words about himself, such as class, major, and home town, along with any special interests. Then, Curtis began his instruction of the pledges, which was carried out in front of the entire assembly in order to remind the brothers of the duties of the pledges, and also so that the pledges knew that all the brothers were aware of what they were supposed to do. To the relief of Bryce, Curtis also reminded the brothers of the prohibition against hazing, and the limits of what could be demanded of pledges. He then proceeded to several specific requirements of all pledges.
First, Curtis informed the pledges, there were business meetings of the fraternity each Tuesday evening at 7:30, which only members and the fraternity advisor, Dr. Dickinson, were permitted to attend. However, the pledge class was divided in half, with half responsible for being 'on call' each week. This would be an every other week duty for each individual pledge. If for some reason a pledge was not able to meet on his assigned date, he was responsible for finding a substitute and informing his mentor. Being 'on call' basically meant running errands for the brothers during the meetings. Such errands most often consisted of getting drinks (non-alcoholic for these meetings), looking for a missing officer who was late ("Find Bob Balducci and tell him the meeting has begun."), or fetching something from the fraternity office ("Bryce, bring me the yearbook from two years ago."). The pledges would be stationed in the outer room, with the doors closed, but had better be there when needed. When necessary, they would communicate with the brothers through the Sergeant-at-Arms, who would be on the other side of the doors. Bryce and Damon were both in the half of the pledge class which would be 'on call' beginning next Tuesday.
Second, the pledges were informed that the fraternity scheduled a party on Friday evening every other week. There would be some adjustments for breaks, but beginning a week from Friday, on September 18, they could count on being there every other Friday. They had all been present for the party on Labor Day, so they knew what to expect. For the remainder of the semester, until the last business meeting before final exams, which would be 8 December, when the brothers would vote on accepting the pledges as brothers, the pledges were essentially servants of the fraternity, responsible for making sure the parties came off smoothly. It will be a pledge who sits at the door, collecting money and checking identifications. It will be a pledge who will be responsible for making sure that the supply of food never runs out at various locations around the house. It will be a pledge who will be responsible for keeping the keg of beer current, and setting up a replacement when one ran low. When the weather begins to turn cool, it will be a pledge who will be responsible for checking jackets and coats, and making certain none gets lost. If a party-goer over indulged and vomited, it will be a pledge who cleaned it up [Bryce made a gagging noise at that, which those who knew of his experience on Monday found humorous]. And it will be a pledge who has to make certain those too far gone to drive do not get behind the wheel of a car, and those who collapse into a drunken stupor are accommodated with a bed until morning. Finally, it will be the pledges who clean the house after each party, and prepare it for the next.
The third major item covered at this meeting was the assignment of mentors. Curtis informed the pledges that each of them had a brother who would be his special advisor on everything related to the fraternity. He was to report to his mentor at least once each week on his progress in his classes and his fraternity related assignments. The mentor would act as a big brother, assisting the pledge in learning what it meant to be a brother of Sigma Alpha Tau. The mentor would also inform the pledges of some additional obligations. There would be certain civic responsibilities, as well as such matters as attending home football games as a group, but the mentors would give the pledges further instructions about those matters. Then, the assignments were made. Damon was assigned to DuBois Kennedy, to his considerable satisfaction. Bryce was less enthusiastic about his big brother, who was Mack Campbell, presumably because of their shared interest in soccer. At this point, a recess was called. During the recess, each pledge was to meet individually with his mentor, and make arrangements for a meeting when they could get together to complete the instructions alluded to in the general meeting, and anything else that might come up. Then, the other half of the pledge class would take up their duties in the outer room, while the half to which Bryce and Damon belonged were dismissed.
Bryce sought out Mack Campbell. They exchanged contact information, and agreed on meeting the next afternoon at 3:30 here at the house for the remaining portions of Bryce's instruction about pledging. On the way back to the dorm, Damon was going on about how pleased he was to have DuBois as his big brother, even if he was a Cincinnati Reds fan. Then, he noticed that Bryce was not nearly as enthusiastic about his mentor.
"What's the matter? I would have thought you'd get along fine with Mack, since you're both nuts about soccer."
"Yeah. And I guess that's what Curtis was thinking when he made the assignments. But at the party last night, Mack came across as pretty full of himself, and this evening, when we were setting up a time to meet, he kind of let me know he was in charge, and what I wanted came a very distant second," Bryce complained.
"Can you get a different big brother?"
"I don't know. But if I asked, it would probably piss off Mack, and I don't want to start out in SAT with an enemy. I'll just have to be careful," Bryce decided.
"I already have an enemy. Bick."
"Yeah. Bick's an asshole, and technically still a brother, but pretty effectively neutralized. I'm sure Mack will be nothing like Bick."
"I hope not, for your sake. This is a three month long relationship we're starting," Damon reminded his boyfriend.
The next day, Bryce began with his usual early morning work-out, with Curtis along as usual, too. He knew he could not presume on that connection as far as the fraternity was concerned, but he might be able to find out some other things.
"How well do you know Mike Sandoval?" Bryce asked.
"So so. We're both juniors, but he's in English and I'm in Engineering, so we have no classes together, and, of course, he's not in SAT. Far as I know, he's a decent guy. Why?"
"I keep running into him. He's in my English class, where he's organizing a study group, and we go to the same church," Bryce explained, not wanting to mention the possibility that Mike might be gay. It wasn't that he thought Curtis would be hostile, but rather that he did not know how Mike would feel about it if he found that Bryce was discussing his sexual orientation, especially if he were not gay.
Inspired by the example of Mike, in his Psychology and History classes Bryce suggested forming study groups. He did not feel sufficiently confident, nor did he know the other students well enough, to make the suggestion in French, and he would not do anything without checking with Damon in Biology. His suggestion fell flat in Psychology. He got the impression that most of the students with whom he spoke had done at least a little with those personality tests, and were feeling self-conscious. Maybe later, if he got to know some of them better, it might fly. However, in History the suggestion was welcomed by several of his fellow students. Their first exam was scheduled for September 23, just two weeks away, so a few of them were getting nervous. Bryce might be only a freshman, but his questions and comments in class had impressed at least some of the other students with his command of the material. So, he was accepted as some kind of leader, and agreed to play the same role there that Mike did in English, finding a place and time to meet. He gathered contact information from those who expressed an interest, and also when they could not meet.
However, he could not follow up immediately. His appointment with Mack Campbell was for 3:30 at the Sigma Alpha Tau house, so he hurried across campus. He was in the house by 3:30, but Mack was waiting for him.
"Listen, Pledge, when you have an appointment with a brother, you be there on time," Mack began.
"Sorry, I thought I was," Bryce excused himself.
"Not by my watch," Mack replied. "This is not a good start."
"Sorry. I'll be more careful in the future."
"See that you are. Now, I know Curtis paired us because we're both into soccer. He mentioned it when he asked me to be your big brother. So I expect you to turn out for all the house soccer games. But in addition, I'm on the varsity team. It really is not convenient for me to mentor someone during the fall, so I'm doing this as a favor to Curtis. I want you there for our home varsity games as well, got it?"
"Yes, sir. Do you have a game schedule?"
"You can get that off the web site. Now, there are some other things I'm supposed to tell you about. SAT agreed some time ago to be responsible for cleaning up along a stretch of the highway leading to the airport. We do that every other Saturday morning, unless the weather is actually dangerous, like storming or icy. A little light rain never hurt anyone, got it?"
"Yes sir. Is that this coming Saturday?"
"Yes, it is. I expect you to be there. Only a dire emergency will excuse you, and you need to clear that with me ahead of time."
Bryce wondered how one could know of a dire emergency ahead of time, but he decided it would be better not to ask.
"Gather here at the house at seven in the morning until it gets too dark. Then we'll start later. But for now, be here on Saturday at seven, got it?"
"Yes, sir."
"This fraternity has a reputation for being civic minded, so if you want to be a brother of SAT, you'll have to get used to things like this. One more thing. We voted that the entire house, including pledges, would attend all the home football games as a group. So we expect you to be there. Bring a date. The more people, the more noise, so let's show some school spirit, got it?"
"Yes, sir."
"Now, here's the SAT handbook. There's a lot of information about the fraternity in here. By next week, I want you to know the pledge, the anthem, and the history of the organization, got it?"
"Yes, sir."
"Now, after all that, I'm kind of dry, so run down to the basement and get me a beer. I want a Michelob. Then you can go. Same time next week, got it?"
"Yes, sir."
Bryce considered that it was a good thing that DuBois had taken him and Damon downstairs last week when they came by for the open house, as no one else had as yet actually told him about the lounge in the basement. He had a feeling he was going to be doing a good deal of fetching for Mack. Well, at least he was learning what he would not do as a big brother if he were ever in that position in the years to come.
Bryce decided not to discuss his meeting with Mack with Damon, or anyone else, until he had time to assess his feelings. After leaving the house, all he wanted was to punch the egotistical SOB in the face. Maybe that was part of the initiation.
That evening, Bryce turned up at the library a good half hour before the time when their Milton study group was scheduled for its first meeting. He consulted with the librarian on duty about scheduling a similar location for the History group. He was pleased to find that a room was available on Thursdays, so he scheduled it for the same hours, seven to ten, as the Milton group and sent off an e-mail to all who had expressed an interest. He now had commitments four nights most weeks, with the fraternity every other Tuesday, the Milton group on Wednesday, the History group on Thursday, and the fraternity parties every other Friday. Attending college and pledging a fraternity were clearly time consuming activities, but that was not necessarily a bad thing. For one thing, he would get back to his dorm room too late to receive his mother's nightly calls. For another, this might keep him from obsessing about his sexual orientation, and how that played into his family relations and his religious beliefs. He would have to deal with those issues, but with too much time on his hands, there was the danger of losing his sense of balance.
The Milton group turned out to be very compatible. All six of the original members were serious about their studies, but also open to a little light distraction from time to time. A good joke at the expense of old John, who sometimes seemed entirely too serious, was always appreciated. By the time they broke up, Bryce felt he knew his fellow students, and especially Mike and Maddy, much better. He certainly felt comfortable with them, even with Mike making teasing remarks about his freshman status and his poor taste in fraternities. By the time he got back to the dorm, he knew the distractions of rush week and Labor Day were behind him, and he was back in the academic saddle again.