Starting Over
Tony
"Justin?" I called to him as I opened the door and walked in. "Hey, your Mom said you wanted to talk to me?"
"Yeah," he said as he still avoided eye contact with me. I walked over to the side of his bed, "Should I sit on the bed."
"Sure." He said as he quickly looked up and finally made eye contact. As I sat on the bed he just kept looking at me. I finally smiled at him and he smiled back.
"I just want to ask you, how did you find out."
"Well I kind of found out by accident. Kate was worried about you, and so was I. She had been trying to ask Alex, Brad and Alisa to look out for you for few days. When she finally couldn't take watching you waste away any more she told them she needed to talk them about you. From what I heard they were starting to miss you and were going to talk to you that day. I was mad because they turned their back on you, and when Kate told me that she wanted to talk to them alone I snuck around to where they were. I heard her tell them about the time you and her finally had sex and you called out Brads name." Justin turned bright red and slowly crept under the covers and started crying again.
"Ah Justin, its ok bro."
"I'm such a fool. You hate me like the rest of them."
"I don't hate you Justin, nobody does. The guys love you so much that they're fighting me over you. And as for a fool, you're not the first guy to call out someone else's name while having sex," I said with a chuckle which got a laugh. "I see the love that you all have. I wish I could have someone care for me like you guys do, but enough about me. How are you felling?"
"Tired, sad, angry. I can't understand them. They hurt me so much. I kept saying I was sorry. I love them so much it hurts, but at the same time I'm mad as hell."
"I know. Brad has gone into protective mode over you, he's like ordering everybody around."
"Really? I thought Alex would be doing that.
"Alex ran away after your mom kicked everyone out, and the girls are fighting big time. You know how I love a good cat fight. Grrrrr," I said with a smile
"Man, have I ever caused a mess," he said as he looked down. It looked like he was going to start to cry.
"Hey now, you're not to blame. You have some problems that we have to work on together, all of us."
"I can't, I don't want to deal with anybody now. Especially Brad."
"Brad's not going to like that."
"Well, fuck Brad! He should have thought about that before he turned his back on me."
"Ok, fuck Brad. I'm only saying that I think you and him have some serious unresolved issues that you need to deal with."
"I can't, not now, not yet. I just can't deal with him or Alex and Alisa right now, especial if he's in control freak mode. Brad never could handle taking care of someone or something. That's why he never had any pets. Brad could kill a pet rock," he said as he started to laugh, then broke into tears. I just held him while he cried.
"Justin, why did you ask for me?"
"Because you're different somehow, ever since States you've changed," he said as he wiped his eyes. "You and Kate never gave up on me. Even when you found me in the bathroom you were just asking if it were true. I thought you were going to try to kick my ass, that's why I hit you. Even after I hit you were calling after me, it was like you really cared. You and Kate were the only ones that even tried to console me. I just wouldn't listen, and for that I'm sorry. You two were my true friends."
"Hey, you don't have to apologize."
"Plus my mom and dad told me you helped save me. I can see that you do care. Speaking of parents, did anyone tell my parents, why I, you know."
"I was the only one that wanted to, but the guys talked me out of it."
"Whew, thank god! Please do me a favor and don't say anything to them."
"You have my word, cross my heart," I said as I smiled
"Now ... next request. Can you tell Brad and everyone else that I just need time? I'm going to tell my parents that I only want to talk to you and Kate."
"Justin, are you sure about this? I mean, Alex is trying. He's really hurting. I wish you'd reconsider. I mean they're all hurting."
"Well, now they know how I feel. I begged them Tony, I got on my hands and knees and begged them. Anyway. why the sudden concern with Alex?"
"Well, if you must know him and me patched things up and are best buds, which is another reason Brad is so pissed."
"Wait a second, did I hear right? You, Anthony Hunter and Alexander Nelson, sworn enemies, are buds. This I gotta see." We started laughing Suddenly Brad busted through the door with Justin's mother to see what was going on. Justin's mood changed quickly and he went quet.
"Ok Tony, Justin is done talking to you now," Brad said with a look that would kill.
"Jesus Brad, enough with the attitude. I was done anyway." As I said that the nurse walked in, "Ok folks, Justin and I have to go run a few tests. We'll be back in a bit." She and Justin's mom helped Justin into a wheelchair.
"Brad," Justin said as he was sitting in the chair. "Brad, I have a lot of things that I need to work on," he said quietly.
"I know Justin, and I'm going to be here for you. What ever you need me to do, I'll do it. Alisa, me and Alex."
Justin looked at me, then his mom and back to Brad. He took a deep breath, and with tears in his eyes said the words that I know shocked Brad to the core. "I need you and Alisa and Alex to leave me alone," he said as one lone tear rolled down his cheek, then he was wheeled away leaving Brad with a look that I will never forget.
Justin
"Mom, Mom, Mother!" I yelled as I ran into the house looking all around.
"I hear you sweetie, I'm in the kitchen."
As I entered she was at the sink cleaning potatoes for dinner. She looked like she was trying to hide a smile.
"Is it here?" I asked smiling
"Is what here? I have no idea what you are talking about."
Momma?" I whined as I hugged her around the waist.
"Yes, it came today. It's by the stove," She said with a smile as I rushed to find the letter. When I picked it up I paused and looked at her. The smile had disappeared.
"Well open it," she said, and I carefully opened the letter with my eyes closed, with her watching. I pulled out a single piece of paper and glanced at it.
"Your father is not going to like this you know," she said as she turned around and walked over to the sink to continue with her potatoes.
"You don't even know what it says," I said as I walked over to her, trying to keep a straight face not give away what the letter said.
"My dear little boy, I knew from the moment you first started reading it what it said. You better never play poker," she said with a smile.
"Me, I knew it was here from the moment I walked into the house," I said as I got closer to her, then grabbed her by the waist. I spun her around and started jumping up and down "I'm in, I'm in, I'm, in, in, in!" I said as I started to dance around the kitchen with her. "I got in," I yelled as I gave her a big hug, then I suddenly thought about my father.
"Oh shit, Poppa," I said as I looked at her.
"Justin, your mouth." Suddenly my mother stopped smiling and looked me dead in the eyes. "Do you really want this?" I nodded. "Justin, are you sure? It's been only a few month,, now you want to go over 2000 miles away to school. Are you sure you want this, are you absolutely sure you want to go to Columbia University?"
"Yes momma, I do," I said as she looked deep in my eyes and smiled.
"Fine, then I'll handle poppa, but you'll have to handle Tony." I hugged her and kissed her as I told her how much I loved her.
"Oh shit ... Tony," I said, realizing that my father wasn't the only one who would be mad.
"By the way, Alex called today." I didn't respond. "Brad and Alisa called yesterday. Sweetheart, I know you miss them. I think you are still having the dreams, I can hear you in the night. I think you should call them."
"I can't yet momma, they really hurt me."
"Yes, and I know they were mad because you said some really nasty things about Brad being a homosexual. I still can't believe you could have thought that he could be one of those people."
Suddenly I needed to change the subject.
"Soon momma, before I leave for school, I promise. I gotta go call Tony," I said as I rushed up the stairs. One of those people, I thought. How the hell could I tell her I'm gay?
Ring...Ring
"I got it, Hello."
"Stop you're grinnin' and drop your linen, what's up bro?"
"He ha. Hey T, what's up?"
"Not you I hope," he said as he started to laugh.
"I was just about to call you, ah ... you're not going to be happy with what I have to tell you."
"You got a boyfriend?"
"Hey, easy bro. What if my mom was on the line?"
"Ah Justin don't get you panties in a bunch man. If mom was on I would have heard her laugh, because my drop your linen line always gets her. So what's this news that I'm not going to like?"
"Well, remember when we talked and dad helped you out with your schools?"
"Yeah, I remember. Dad has helped me so much, I thank him every day for it. It feels good to have a dad again." As I like to tell it, Tony became my savior. He was there for me, and to pay him back I had my folks sort of adopted him.
The main reason Tony behaved the way he did was because he was pissed off at life. I found out he didn't have a family, his parent's abandoned him and he was living with an aunt. She thought the best babysitter was the all mighty dollar when what Tony really wanted was a family, which my parents were all too willing to provide.. Then when my parents found out why we had the first and second fights, they became a bit angry and blamed Alex, Alisa and Brad for pushing me over the edge. Once it got out that I was a head case and had tried to off myself, all of the colleges ran like I had the plague. At that point I lost all interest in playing any sports, however my father had other ideas. I was then just looking for an education, but he somehow managed to not only help Tony get into UNC, but talked them into taking me. I mean I think he told them I was ok and that they were passing up the opportunity of a lifetime, and if they took Tony I came with him.
Unbeknownst to him, I decide to apply for an Ivy League school, Columbia University, which I fell in love with. Once the baseball coach and football coach found out I was coming, they each called me and talked to me, treating me like a person and not a piece of meat or damaged goods. They got me excited about playing sports again.
"Justin, did you hear what I said?"
"What, Tony? I'm sorry."
"I said I need to thank dad," he said, Poppa had told Tony to start calling him dad, which I thought was funny.
"I'm glad he could help."
"Yeah, I can't wait till we're in school and class together. He's going to help us move to UNC, right?"
"Well yes and no, he's helping you move, but I'm not going to UNC."
"What? You're kidding, right?"
"No Tony I'm not kidding. I'm going to go to Columbia in New York, and I'm going alone."
"Why Justin? What did I do? What ever it was I'm sorry, I know I've been pushing you to reconcile with the guys, hell I'm even getting along with Brad and Alisa after I helped them out with Blake, and then Alex with JC. We're all like best buds now."
"You didn't do anything wrong Tony, not at all. I just have to find myself, away from everyone." I heard about Alisa stopping Blake from raping some girl at one of his parties and Tony, Brad and Alex coming to their rescue. Tony and Alex beat the shit out of him and the girl pressed charges. Then JC and Alex just about started a riot, but Tony and, surprisingly, Mark and Joe help stop it and defended Alex. I wondered if they knew about me.
"Justin, are you listening to me, have you even heard a word I've said?"
"I'm sorry T, but my mind is made up bro."
"Well, Dad is going to be pissed. What did mom say?" After he started calling poppa dad, he started calling momma mom. It made me smile. He surely has changed in the past few months.
"She just wants me to be happy. Do you understand why I'm doing this?"
"No, but it's your life and if it makes you happy then it makes me happy. Just one thing, please don't leave things the way they are with the guys."
"I'll try not to, but I can't make any promises."
"Justin, we graduate in two months then who knows when we'll see each other again, please think about it. For me?"
"All right, for you. Before I leave for school I'll talk to Brad, Alex and Alisa."
"Alright bro, I'm going to hold you to it. Well, I'll look for the mushroom cloud in about an hour. See ya later."
July 25, 1999
Walking back from the pay phone, I kicked at the carpeted floor of the airport while I looked at my watch. "Forty five more minutes. The sooner I can get out of Dallas, the better," I thought. It was over a month since graduation0 and I was on my way to my new life, away from Texas.
Sitting back against the hard plastic chair of the waiting area I pulled out my Journal. I sighed thinking about the phone call I just made while I started to write. "God, that didn't go well at all. Why did I even try? I knew that was going to happen. Why he can't just let go? I'll never understand. Who am I kidding? I still haven't and now I'm running away. But my shrink Daniel feels that this may help me get over him."
"Um, excuse me?" A timid voice broke my concentration.
"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't hear you," I said, looking up to face the intruder in my personal space. I started to put my journal away, saying, "Hold on a sec, let me just put this away."
"It's okay," he said shyly, "I was just wondering if you knew anything about the flights in this concourse... I, uh...I've never really been in an airport before, and I don't know if I'm in the right place or not."
Suddenly I was taken aback. I had this feeling that I had seen him or met him before or that we somehow knew each other. I thought he was probably not too much older than me. I started to take mental notes: about 5'11", about 175 lbs, short, tightly curled brown hair.
"Sir? Are you okay?"
"Huh? Oops, sorry," I said, "I was just thinking of something."
"Oh. Um, ok I'm sorry, I'll just ask someone else," he said with disappointment.
"No, No, No Wait, don't go maybe I can help you. Where are you headed to?"
"Well I'm going to New York on United. I think it's on Flight 263?" he said as he flipped open his ticket pouch and looked. "Yep, that's the one!"
"Then you're in the right place. That's my flight too," I said with a smile.
"Cool," he said as he relaxed and let out a sigh. "How long do you think it will be?"
"Well, the plane hasn't landed yet," I said as I again looked at my watch "It should be here in about 45 minutes. Your first time on an airplane?"
"Yeah, how could you tell?" he laughed nervously. "Umm, would you mind too much if I ah, I sat down for a bit?"
"No not at all," I said with a smile as he stood in front of me looking like a bundle of nerves.
What the hell was I thinking? Just before leaving home I made a vow to not associate with anyone, not get close with anyone. Leaving everybody the way I did was painful. Alex and Alisa and I parted as friends, but not nearly as close as we had been. When we went out and talked, we did it without Brad. I asked them to come with me alone. Alisa had to lie to Brad again for me, which I hated, but Brad was being an asshole. Alisa told me that they were taking some time apart. She loved him but he was having some personal problems that she couldn't help him with. I gave her Daniel's number, maybe he could help him. I left with my father not talking to me and my mother worried sick about this cross country trip. I wanted to be alone even when I got to school, but something about this guy intrigued me. I could tell that my expression softened as I looked at his face. Was it possible? The last time that I felt this way was towards Brad. I wondered that after everything that'd happened how I could be feeling this way. I mulled over the possibilities for a few more seconds, then suddenly he smiled at me and my heart melted.
"Have a seat." I said as I pulled my bag off the chair next to me and smiled back.
"Thanks," he said as he sat down and extended his hand. "My name's Heath, by the way."
"Nice to meet you, Heath, that's a cool name," I said, still smiling and wondering what I was smiling about.
"You think so? I hated that name for a long time," he said smiling back.
"Well, considering some of the names you COULD be called, I don't think I'd trade Heath for another name!"
Heath giggled at the joke. "Yeah ... I guess you're right, considering everything else I've been called!"
"I can relate to that. I suppose I should have been called those things myself instead of calling other people names."
"You mean, well ... did you ... never mind," he said as he blushed bright red, I never knew people could turn that red. As much as he wanted to ask the question that was on his mind, he simply couldn't bring himself to do it.
"I mean, I caused a lot of pain because of the things that I did," I sighed uncomfortably. "If you only knew," I said quietly as the memories of the past few months came flooding back.
"Like what?" Heath asked.
"Nothing...forget it," I said quietly, and turned away before he could see the tears forming in my eyes.
No questions were asked. Nothing was directly stated. But in that instant, it felt as though he knew what was going on. He put his hand on my shoulder. "I think I understand," he said softly.
Did I really just feel another man touching me? I clenched fists. DON'T over-react like the last time, please. I warned myself, just calmly turn around and look. I did, and was surprised to see Heath looking back at me with a worried expression and a single tear threatening to spill onto his face.
"Is that why you're leaving?" Heath asked sympathetically. "Because you're ... different?"
The instant that he asked that question I decided to tell the truth, for I was starting a new chapter in my life. I would tell the truth ... no matter what the cost.
"Yes, Heath...I'm different. I'm gay." I turned away again, ashamed to have made that part of my life known so freely to someone else. I couldn't help but think about the many friendships I damaged because of that part of my life.
A moment of strained silence passed between the two us. Suddenly I started to panic I squinted my eyes in shame, thinking he was going to kill me.
I started to turn to avoid a blow to my body, and I was completely unprepared for what happened next. I heard Heath's soft voice. "So am I."
I slowly turned and faced Heath, tears now streaming down both of his cheeks.
Our eyes locked onto each other. At that moment, it seemed as if we were not just looking at each other, but looking into the other person. Then we both gasped as we both felt an adrenaline rush surge through our bodies ... as if we both simultaneously tapped into our soul energy. Time froze. Instantaneously, we both felt naked and vulnerable and could see the real person within. A connection was formed right there. We both knew the fragility of the other, and were aware of their own at the same time. We did not need to hide, and it seemed as though we could trust each other with anything ... and everything. In the overwhelming revelation, we both lost control.
Years of pent-up heartbreak, anger, pain and anguish came rushing out as we collapsed into each others' arms, sobbing violently. We were oblivious to the milling crowds walked past us in a mad rush to get off of planes and retrieve their luggage, or to get onto outgoing flights. To us, clutching each other for our very lives, nobody else existed. It was just us, finding what we never before knew we wanted and needed.
After what seemed to be an eternity of crying, we finally separated, wiping our faces dry with the backs of our hands we paused, seeing the disheveled appearance of each other's face...and cracked up laughing. "Oh, geez...we MUST look like shit right now!" I said, laughing.
"Yeah," chuckled Heath, "But it was sure worth it." He was smiling, still with tears in his eyes. "Hey, you never told me your name. What is it?"
Before I could say anything, the intercom blared, "Attention please, this is the final boarding call for United Airlines flight 263 to New York. If this is your flight, please report to gate 21-B immediately as this flight will be leaving shortly. Thank you."
I looked at Heath, wide-eyed. "Damn! We spent THAT long crying?"
"Must have," Heath shrugged.
"Let's get our bags, we'll talk more after we get on the plane. What seat are you in?"
"I think I'm in A-34,You?"
"Really, I'm in B-34! Heath smiled.
"Your kidding?"
When we boarded the plane, we discovered to our delight that the two seats next to us were unoccupied. As I went to put my bag in the overhead compartment, Heath stopped and traced his fingers over the initials embroidered on my bag. "What does the J stand for?"
"Justin, Justin Kemper, that's my name," I said as I extended my hand.
"Who knows, Just?' he smiled, "Maybe you really CAN start over after all!"
January 6, 2000
KNOCK...KNOCK...KNOCK
"Just a minute," I called out when there was a knock at the door of my apartment. I ran over to it hoping it was Heath. He was coming back to school after winter break. I had chosen to stay on-campus because going home to Texas was not something I wanted to do, not yet at least. I had missed Heath. It had been seven months since we first meet and two months since we officially started dating. I wanted to take it slow and he understood that totally. As I opened the door I got the shock of my life. Standing there at the door was my Dad.
"Poppa," I said as he just stood there with a slight smile on his face.
"Hello, Justin."
"Poppa, what are you doing here?"
"Well," he said as he ran his finger through his hair, "I came to drop off your Christmas presents." He held out a key ring with a GMC logo on it.
"I already have a car," I said coldly
"Well, your mother and I thought that you needed a new one. The other one had a lot of bad memories. Aren't you going to invite me in?" He looked at me and smiled
"So you drove all the way from Texas, by yourself to give me a truck."
"Well, the other presents are in the truck and I didn't drive by myself," he said as he looked a bit nervous.
"What do you mean you didn't drive by yourself?"
"Well," Suddenly I smiled because I thought I knew who it was who he drove up here with. He turned around and motioned, and Brad slowly walked down the hall from the elevator.
"You came with Brad!"
"Yes son, I know you've been talking with your mom since you left, and since you never talk to me ..."
"I never talk to you? You said if I didn't go to the college you wanted me to go to that you didn't want to deal with me," I said angrily. I suddenly realized that for the first time I had stood up to my father. "You're the one who didn't want to talk to me."
"Justin I know what I said and I'm sorry, I only want you to have the best life."
"Well this not your life Poppa, it's mine. I don't want to play in the pros, I just want to have fun playing the two sports that I love. It has taken me a whole year to finally get back to some sort of normal life with no pressures, I'm the number two quarterback here."
"But you could have been the #1 somewhere else," he said cutting me off.
"Poppa I know I could have, but I would have started to hate the game again. Here I have no pressure and I love that. I'm starting to love the game again, plus I can play baseball. The games at the College level are much more difficult and so much different."
"I know that Justin, I just think you are such a great player, and I just wanted to show the world what a great kid I have," he said smiling
"Poppa, I'm sorry that I disappointed you," I said as I looked down at my feet.
"Justin, Hey, I never said I was disappointed in you. If this makes you happy then it's good enough for me. I just wanted to make you happy."
"Then why did you bring Brad with you? What happened to Tony?" I asked quietly just before Brad came into hearing range.
"Tony couldn't get away when I had to leave, he'd just finished a bowl game. Brad wanted to see you anyhow, you know he really misses you, we all do. And it was your mother, his mother, and Tony's idea."
"Well this is a real bad time. Remind me to kill them the next time I see them," I said quietly as Brad reached my door and my father smiled.
"Ah hi Justin," Brad said softly as he looked at his feet.
"Hello Brad," I said as I gave my father a look that said I can't believe you brought him. Suddenly I remembered that both he and my mom didn't know about me, and then it dawned on me. Five days alone in a truck with my dad. Oh shit, I thought, Brad had to have spilled it to my father, he must know by now.
RING...RING...RING
"Hello," I answered and looked over to the doorway.
"Hey Sexy. Oh, I missed you so much." It was Heath, Oh Shit I thought "Hey," I said quietly as I tried not to smile and turned around away from my father and Brad.
"Oh uh, what's wrong Justin, is someone there?" he asked when he noticed the hesitation in my voice
"Yeah!" I said panicking.
"Can you talk?"
"No," I said in a whisper.
"Do you want me to come over?"
"NO!" I shouted, "I mean no, this is a real bad time," I said as my father and Brad walked into my apartment and towards me.
"Whoever it is, are they right in front you?"
"Yes," I said as my father and Brad were standing right in front of me.
"Oh ok, will you call me as soon as you can?"
"Yes, most definitely," I said trying to sound business like.
"Ok I guess, I'll see you later then."
"Maybe, I don't know right now."
"Ok, I love you."
"Ditto," I said with a smile
"Bye baby. "
"Bye," I said as I turned around to hang up the phone. I was still smiling.
"Who was that?" Brad asked. I lost my smile once I turned around and saw one on his face.
"Just a friend," I said
"It must be some important friend, because you're glowing," Brad said with a smile, "And I know what that means."
Shit, I thought to myself, the fucker! How could he still could tell how I felt? "Well, whatever," I said coldly.
"Er, I know you boys have things to catch up on. I'll pick you up later, Brad."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Brad has to get back to his school by tomorrow. Remember Brad, we have to get to the airport for the flight out this afternoon, so there isn't much time."
"Yes sir."
"Oh, and Justin, you'll have to drop Brad and me at the airport."
"Great, I had something planed today."
"Well cancel it or push it back. Brad and I are only in town for today. I have a meeting downtown until 3:00 and our flight is at 6:00, so that will give us time to play the father and son thing. I'll talk to you boys later," he said as he walked out the door.
"Bastard, he never changes."
"So, are your classes going well?"
"Yes."
"Do you like New York?"
"Yes."
"I saw the football team did well this year, how are they?"
"Fine."
"Is that all you are going to answer me is one word answers."
"Yes"
"I told Tony this was a bad idea, I don't know what else to do. I have said I'm sorry over and over, so I guess we're never going to be friends again."
"Yep, it looks like it."
"Fine, if that's the way you want it, see ya," he said as he started to walk towards the door.
"Bye," I said to him when he reached the door. Crap this isn't what I wanted. Suddenly he turned around with tears in his eyes. I felt ashamed and couldn't look at him.
"You know what Justin? I never knew you could be such an asshole. You have no idea how much this hurts, having someone you love mad at you. Look at you, you won't even look at me. You must really hate me, you have no idea what I went through when you started that rumor. It was pure hell, Justin, absolute pure hell. It hurt me so much when I found out that you started it, but then seeing you in your car and thinking that I lost you, I forgave you that instant. So I don't understand why you can't forgive me. I'm sorry I let you down, but to treat me like crap for this long is cruel punishment. You want to be mad then fine, be mad. Yell at me, call me names, but don't act like a juvenile prick!""
I tried not to look at him because I knew that if I did I would lose. "I'm a Prick?" I asked as I finally looked at him with tears in my eyes. "How fucking dare you? I begged you and begged you, and you never forgave. It took me almost dying for you to even acknowledge me. You and Alex and Alisa were supposed to be family and you turned your backs on me. Alex and Alisa hurt, but from you it felt like you ripped my heart out. And now you have the nerve to tell me I don't know how it feels to have someone you love mad at you. How dare you? You don't get it. I LOVE YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH." He just stood there quietly for awhile.
"Justin, I'm sorry. I know that you love me, but ..." he said as he approached me and touched my shoulder to try to comfort me.
"But nothing, there's nothing that you can say to make me feel better," I said as I pulled away.
"Then maybe I should go," he said as he looked down at his feet.
"Where the hell are you going to go? My dad won't be back for an hour and a half, and you don't know the city."
"Yeah, but I'm making you uncomfortable."
"No, I have some errands to run. I'll leave, just tell my dad I'll be back to drop you guys off later."
"You don't have to do that."
"Yes I have to."
"Justin, I still miss you, and I want to try working this out," he said with a smile.
"Brad, I can't. It hurts to much, and besides Alisa would kick my ass if I stole you from her," I said with a smile as I pulled on a heavy coat and walked out.
When I did I wiped my face and started to run. I ran as fast as I could. I had to get to my destination quickly, Fifteen minutes later I arrived at Heath's.
Knock...knock
"Just a second," his voice said before he opened the door.
"Hey," He said with a big grin that slowly turned sour after seeing my red eyes. "Babe, what's wrong" he asked as I rushed into his apartment.
"Oh Heath," I said as I reached for him after he closed the door.
"Justin, what happened, when I called earlier who was at your apartment?"
"My dad, he just showed up out of the blue and he brought Brad," I said as I started to cry.
"Oh shit, he came today. I thought he was here last week."
"You knew about this?"
"Well, Tony and I planned it for a while. You know that I thought you should have gone home, and he agreed."
"Heath, how could you and Tony do this to me?" I asked as I pulled away.
"Justin, I'm sorry. We both thought that enough time had passed that you'd be over the whole Brad thing. I mean, we've been going out for a bit now. I know that we still have issues to deal with, but ..."
"No buts, Heath. I can't believe you did this."
"Hey, you need to get over your feelings for Brad if this relationship with me is ever going to get going.
"And who said I'm not over him?"
"Please Justin, you're still in love with him," he said with a smirk.
"Look I'm sorry that I have some issues that I have to deal with, but I can manage them without any outside interference," I said as I started to get pissed off.
"Some issues? Let's try a whole bunch of issues. First, and the main one, is you still aren't comfortable being gay."
"That's not true," I said as I turned and walked away from him.
"Oh really, then why is it that the only friend of yours from back home that I ever met is Tony? And even then you only introduced me as a good friend, not your boyfriend. I don't even think that word's in your vocabulary. And why is it every time your teammates are over I can't come over? And why do I have to meet you after the game at home? And why after two month can't I more than a kiss and a feel from you?" he asked, sounding agitated.
"You know, you've heard all the stories, but you really have no idea what I went through with my friends and Brad, and how he hurt me."
"There's Brad again, do you know that I sometimes feel like the other woman? Um ... other guy, well you know what I mean. When it comes to him, like when you kiss me you make it seem like you're cheating on him. Well I have a news flash Justin Kemper, Brads Straight, hetro. I'm starting to get tired of competing with him. I'm tired of competing with football and baseball, too."
"First of all, don't you think I know what he is? Baby, I have told the coaches that I am very happy being 2nd string, and I'm going to keep it that way.
"Justin, you're only fooling yourself. Both your coaches are chomping at the bit to get you in the games full time. You're a great player and everyone knows that."
When he said that I was angry.
"Damn it Heath, I know I'm messed up. Remember I'm the kid who tried to kill himself to run away from the problems, and I don't want to go through that again. Yeah, I probably still love Brad and yeah I am scared of my teammates finding out I'm gay. I'm really sorry if I'm hurting you and making you upset. Unlike you, who knew he was gay since he was 13, I'm new to this. All I ask is that you please be patient with me."
"And all I want is to be let in to help. The only people that you talk to about your problems are Dr. Dan and Terrific Tony. I want to help too."
"Fine,"I said softly. What do you want me to do?"
"Talk to me, Babe. Tell me how you feel about Brad."
"I'm still in love with him. I think about him everyday. I wish and wish that he loved me the same way I love him, but I'm also in love with you," I said as I slowly walked over to him and reached for his hand. He pulled my hands to his waist as I looked into his eyes, then kissed him deeply on his mouth. "You baby, you're real, and Brad is not. I'll never have him," I said as I kissed him again, "Nor hold him or be with him the way that I am with you." As I said that a lone tear rolled down his cheek.
"Oh Justin, I love you too," he said as he returned the kiss. We then started swaying our hips dancing to the beat of our hearts. This lasted about 20 minutes, "Did your dad really give you the truck?"
"You bitch, you knew about that too?"
"Well, it was all part of the master plan Tony and I came up with."
"Great! My boyfriend and my best friend scheming together, I'm in trouble," I said
"Wait, you said boyfriend!" he said with a huge grin.
"Did I?" I said with a smile which I received a hit for, "Ouch! I know, it has a nice ring to it."
"I do too," he said as he kissed me. "A truck! I can't believe your parents got you a truck, finally we have wheels."
"What do you mean we? I ain't driving in the city," I said laughing.
August 10, 2000
Have you even noticed how everything is calm and wonderful before the storm? Well everything for the rest of the year went well. Heath talked me into going home for spring break and the summer. I really enjoyed being home I got together with all the guys, yes even Brad. We came to an agreement that we would try to start over again, but there was still a cloud hanging over our friendship. I could never tell him why I kept him so far away, it was that I could not trust myself around him. When I returned to school the next year one event happened that would forever change the year. "JUSTIN, YOU'RE THE STARTING QUARTERBACK!"
Because of those five little words my world would be thrown into a tailspin.