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"BRIARWOOD"
aka "Whence Cometh My Help"
R.S.V.
A dramatic saga
by
Ritch Christopher
literary enhancement by
Les Martin
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BOOK TWO
"The Clayton Clan"
Chapter Fifteen
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That night, Alex lay in bed and tried to relive the afternoon session with Dr. Hughes and the group. One by one, the faces of the individuals in that room invaded his memory. The reasons that brought the others to suicidal attempt outweighed Alex's by far, but, having reached a rationale for his temporary insanity, he began to find a reason why each of the others in the group should live. Nothing, no matter what was wrong---being fat, scarred, effeminate, butch, HIV-infected, being abused, or selling your body---none of these was a just cause for ending it all. Alex had lived to see another tomorrow and they should too! There were a couple of them in particular that Alex wanted to call and keep in contact with, particularly Kyle. 'Maybe I could find a way of helping them somewhere down the road', Alex thought. Alex was suddenly aware of a more mature perspective of life. If anyone tried to combat insurmountable personal problems all by himself, he might come to think that suicide was the answer..., but all one had to do was look around and find someone who was worse off than he...and there always is, no matter what one's problem might be.
The biggest quandary facing Alex now was answering to himself the question of what he would say to Ted about the sexual feelings between them. Did Alex really tell the truth to Dr. Hughes when he asserted he that no longer felt ashamed or guilty...or, if and when the time arose, perhaps on the camping trip, would Alex say, politely, "No thanks, Ted', in the same polite refusal he might affect if someone offered Alex fried eggplant at the dinner table? He knew he had to tell Ted something about why he wound up in the hospital, but he had to do it without making Ted feel he was the blame. After all, Ted WAS his best friend and, that being true, Alex should have the balls to say anything to him.
Alex pretended to be zonked out on a tranquilizer when Jeff came into his bedroom for their nightly jaunt under the covers. No matter how hard Jeff shook him, Alex refused to wake up.. Jeff finally gave. jerked off by himself, and went to sleep. Alex wished to have all sexual thoughts in their proper place when he went camping tomorrow with Ted, 'Uncle' Bruce, and his dad.
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The lake really looked good this time of year. As soon as Bruce parked the Baygo, they all saw two fish jump, just teasing them. Things had been normal during the drive up to the camp. Ted's dad and Walter's life-long best friend, Bruce, drove while Walter sat in the front passenger's seat beside Bruce. Alex and Ted sat in the back, watching "The Matrix" for the umpteenth time on the built-in VCR. The two boys purposely occupied themselves with the action of the flick, carefully avoiding one-on -one conversation.
"All right, guys, we have the whole weekend. Are we gonna start with a fishing pole or a swim?" Walter asked.
"I vote fishing." said Ted.
"Fishing." echoed Alex.
"Swimming." voted Bruce.
"Then with my vote, that makes it two and two." chimed in Walter. "Okay, if you boys want to fish for trout, go upstream about 200 yards. That way, Wally and I won't scare your fish with our splashing."
Alex didn't feel that he was ready to be alone with Ted just yet, but he knew that their talk about 'that' was inevitable. So the two teens picked up their fly rods, two pairs of wading boots, two creels. and a box of lures and off they went. They walked through the high weeds along the bank while scads of crickets and grasshoppers scampered for safety. Putting on the waders, still silent, they walked out about twenty feet into the water. There was a slight ridge of small rapids that emptied into the lake. That was their best chance for a nice trout, as there was still about three hours of sunlight and the fish, like humans, got hungry about this time of day.
Ted cast four or five times before he released his line. It went sailing about thirty feet up the rapids. Alex copied Ted's action and landed his lure closer to the opposite shore. Chunk!!! Ted already had a bite! He began gathering his line and toying with his prey until he gave his rod a tug and, bang! he had one! He reeled it in slowly while the fish jumped, making one last try for freedom. Too late. The trout was a goner. Ted reached down and picked up the slippery denizen, holding it up for Alex to admire. It was a rainbow, about twenty inches long. So it appeared to the boys that this was a good afternoon to fish. Within a half hour, Ted had five and Alex had caught two. They were all keepers. It would be left to the two 'swimmers' to clean and gut the prizes. Bruce was an excellent cook (better than his wife, Jane), So their first camping supper had been predestined.
At last the silence between the boy best friends was broken by Ted.
"I heard Dad say something about you being in the hospital."
"Yeah."
"What was wrong? I don't see any cast. You didn't break anything, did you?"
"No, I had a little upset stomach. I thought it might be appendicitis, so I went to the emergency room to check it out."
"And?"
"False alarm."
"Wow!...Do you feel all right now?"
"Yeah...good as gold."
"Did you get over...y'know, being upset with me the other day?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
"You sure as hell were mad...I mean, hell, if I had known you were gonna get upset over a little circle jerk, I'd never have come to your house to play Nintendo."
"Aw, I was just acting sorta crazy."
"Crazy? That's putting it mild...you were stark raving mad...Maybe it was your outrage or anger that upset your stomach."
"Maybe."
"Why'd you get so upset, man?"
"Ted, I just felt like what we had done was wrong...and after you left, I had this strange feeling that my mother had seen us."
"Holy shit...hey, man, that's bogus!"
"I know it sounds silly...but that's just the way I felt."
"So what'd you do after you freaked out and told me to get the fuck out?"
"I went in the bathroom and overdosed!" he blurted out.
"You're shitting me!"
"Nope. Jeff came in and found me on the floor and called 911."
"You tried to kill yourself over what we did?"
"Yes."
"God damn!"
"Jeff doesn't know. I told him I got food poisoning at school."
"I... I don't know what to say...Who else knows?"
"I'm not sure if my dad told your dad...but the only other one that knows is Mr. Bartolli."
"Holy shit! How'd he find out?"
"Miss Teasdale's sister is a nurse at the hospital. My Dad and I think that she's the one who told Bartolli...and then that son-of-a-bitch wouldn't let me come back to school until I got an 'OK' from this psychiatrist and I went to see him and I had to sit in this group with all kinds of kids my age and listen to why they tried to commit suicide. Ted, I nearly freaked out then. These kids, all telling about being abused and being queer and having AIDS and stuff? I thought I wanted to kill myself just to get out of the room and away from them."
"Alex, do you know how shitty this makes me feel? I mean I feel what you went through was all my fault."
"No, Ted, not completely. I could've stopped any time I'd wanted...but I didn't."
"I couldn't blame you if you were pissed at me and never wanted to see me again."
"That's stupid. I couldn't do that. You're my best friend and always have been," Alex tried to assure Ted.
"God, I hope my Dad doesn't find out, because if he does, he'll kill me...or ground me 'til I'm sixty-five."
"You wanna know something else?"
"What?"
"Yesterday when I was home alone. I sneaked back into Dad's closet and found this old suitcase he had hidden and it had all kinds of porno books and magazines...some old Betamax tapes...a jar of Vaseline...and this life sized rubber cock, with balls and everything ...even fake pubic hair."
"That's called a dildo, Alex."
"Dildo? What's that?"
"Well it's obviously shaped like a cock so that a woman can put it up her cunt and pretend she's being fucked and she gets off that way."
"But why would my dad have one?"
"Men use it the same way...only they stick it up their ass."
"My dad would never do a thing like that, Ted!"
"Trust me. Remember how I told you what my dad said about him and your dad having sex and stuff?"
"I didn't believe you then and I still don't."
"Well, my Dad even hinted that they tried butt-fucking!"
"No way!" Alex replied, again in disbelief. "Ted, if you're telling the truth, does 'Aunt' Jane know about...y'know, our dads?"
"Are you kidding? Mom would've chopped off dad's dick faster than Lorena Bobbitt!"
"So if they really did what you said, they must've stopped after your dad and your mom got married, huh?"
"Now that's a question I can't answer. I mean, Dad might have stopped having sex with 'Uncle' Walter, but the first time he took me on one of his business trips and he and I shared a hotel room, I kinda got horny, so when he went to the bathroom to shower, I thought I could 'get off' real quick before he returned, but just as I was about to blow my load, he came back into the hotel bedroom to get his shaving gear and caught me 'going at it' ninety miles-per-hour."
"Shit! What happened next?"
"Getting caught was not as big a surprise as when he looked at me and said, 'Go ahead, son. I was just about to do that in the shower myself. Would you be embarrassed if I joined you?"
"Damn!"
"And he did! Dad laid down beside me and we jerked off together! The two of us have been having sessions like that almost ever since!"
"Does your mom know?"
"Hell, no! She would chop off both our peckers."
"Ted, this is almost too much to believe!"
"Well, it's true. I guess what I'm trying to say is...if our dads stopped doing things together, my dad never lost the urge for man-to-man sex. THAT I can vouch for."
"My dad was very understanding when I told him about what happened between you and me...but there's no way on earth I could ever jerk off with him like you and your dad!"
"Why not? Your dad must've had a hankering for it when he and my dad were 'doing' it."
"Maybe so, but I don't think I could ever do anything like that with my dad."
"You'll never know if you don't try."
"TED! Don't you get it? I don't WANT to have that kind of relationship with my dad!"
"OK! OK! Back off! I'm sorry!"
"No, I'm sorry, Ted" Alex said, more calmly. "I...I almost lost my temper again."
"You don't feel suicidal, do you?"
"No, I think I'm over those thoughts. The group session I went to at Kimbrough's Hospital helped me get off a lot of my shame and embarrassment."
"And so...?"
"Ted, it wasn't just our jerking off each other that made it so bad. It was my thoughts after you left."
"Wanna tell me about them?"
"Shit! This is gonna get really embarrassing, I know, but...but when you left, I put that tape back in the VCR and watched part of it again."
"OK, there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, we had already watched it together."
"Yeah, but the second time, I sorta let my imagination get away from me."
"Whaddya mean?"
"I kept looking at the two guys having sucking each other and...and I began to masturbate again."
"SO? You were alone. What gives?"
"I...I...well, in my mind, the two guys on the tape became...you and me. I closed my eyes and pretended that you and I were doing what they were."
"Alex, that's called 'fantasizing'. Shit! I fantasize about you all the time when I jerk off!"
"Why didn't you tell me that the other day?"
"There wasn't time. I mean, the movie was on the TV and you and I started going at it, and I just couldn't very well stop the tape and say, 'Hey, Alex, I jerk off every night thinking about you and me doing what they're doing."
"Yeah, I suppose that would have been dumb!"
"So you fantasize about me. So what?"
"That's when I began to get scared that my mom could read my thoughts and I was so ashamed. GOD! Was I ashamed! I wanted to run away...run away from her, but there was nowhere to run..."
"So you went into the bathroom and decided to run away permanently by taking a bunch of pills?"
"Exactly!"
"Why the fuck didn't you call me? I'm your best friend! We're supposed to be able to tell each other EVERYTHING!"
"How could I? I had just thrown you out of my house...and I sure as heck wasn't ready to tell you..you know...about what I had been thinking."
"You mean about us trading blow jobs?"
"...Yeah." Alex said, dejectedly.
"So you went to that group session and you say you're over trying to commit suicide. Does that mean that our one and only 'jerk off' session was the last and only?"
"I...I'll tell you how I feel about that later. But first, I have to tell you why I feel I'm 'cured'."
"This ought to be interesting."
Slowly but deliberately, Alex began telling the next part of his story.
"The night I returned from the hospital, Dad asked Jeff to sleep in my room."
"I can't blame your dad. My dad would have done the same thing if I had a little brother."
"I...I won't go into lurid details, but before the night was over, I had jerked off with Jeff."
"Jeff, the 'pest-in-your-life' little brother? Holy shit! Don't tell me that you went into the bathroom again, and took another bottle of pills!"
"No! But, Ted,, it seemed almost the natural thing to do with Jeff. It was as if I was teaching him about sex."
"Dear God! The blind teaching the blind how to see..."
"Then Jeff and I did it again, night before last."
"Sounds like you're getting to enjoy it!"
"I understand it better...at least when Dr. Hughes and my dad taught me that it was normal between two teen boys."
"Oh, so 'Uncle' Walter gave you permission to have sex with your brother Jeff."
"Good God, NO! Dad doesn't know."
"Jeff hasn't told him?"
"NO WAY! Jeff's become a regular sex addict. He wants us to do it several times a night. He's having too much fun to risk telling Dad."
"So...where does that leave you and me?" Ted asked, paused and added. "Does your new sex life only include brothers or can a best friend fit in somewhere?"
"I think if you and I tried something like that again...I wouldn't feel so guilty the next time...I think I'd enjoy it."
"How long do I have to wait? A month? Next week? What would your doctor advise?"
"I...I was hoping maybe...this weekend while we're camping?"
"You think you might wanna try to do something tonight?"
"Maybe, if we can keep our dads from getting suspicious."
"Hell! They're probably plotting the same thing right now, wondering how they can get away from us!"
"You really believe there's something going on between them, don't you?"
"I'd bet my front-row seat in hell on it."
"Let's see how they act during supper and see if we can go walking after dark...do a little night trawling from the shore."
"You can only trawl in a boat."
"Well, tell 'em we're going out to dig up some night crawlers or something. I know dad has a spade in the trunk of the RV."
"It's a deal!"
It was going to be a game of cat and mouse...and cat. Alex and Ted watching their two dads who were watching the two of them. Even though it sounded like fun, it made Alex have butterflies in the pit of his stomach. He thought it best if he took one of his tranquilizers.
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Walter and Bruce raved over the boys' trout catch. The two dads cleaned, gutted, washed, floured and fried the unlucky fish. Bruce diced some potatoes and made some home fries and Alex and Ted nearly fell over when Walter offered them each a can of beer to drink. This was the first time that their fathers had ever treated them adults. This was a new feeling and Ted and Alex liked it. They were four MEN, out in the wild, daring to face the elements, like those guys on "Survivor". Alex seemed to remember that the 'Survivors' winner, Richard, was openly gay. That thought gave Alex a private little chuckle of satisfaction.
"You guys want to watch a video in the RV or play some cards?" Bruce asked.
"No, Dad, Alex and I were thinking about taking the spade and going out to dig up some big old black night crawlers."
"Sounds like a choice idea. Be sure and get enough for four lines. Walter and I want to fish with you since we saw how lucky the two of you were today."
"We will."
"What do you guys want to do about sleeping arrangements in case Wally and I want to get to bed early before you get back?"
"What's the choice?"
"Well, as you both know, there are two double beds inside the Winnebago. We can make it...family and family, that is Ted, you and Wally can sleep together and Alex and I can share...Or we can let you guys bunk together and Wally and I can take the other bed."
"What's your preference, Dad?" Alex asked. while both he and Ted eyed each other and their fathers for a reaction.
Walter said, "Son, I have no preference. You and I haven't slept in the same bed since you were three or four years old...I know that you and Ted are used to sleeping together after all the nights you spend at each other's houses on the weekends...However...since you've been sick this week...if you'd rather sleep with me...that's OK. Whichever way would make you feel the most comfortable...YOU decide."
"OK," I said. "I vote that you and 'Uncle' Bruce take the bed nearest the cab and Ted and I will take the one at the far end."
"Sounds good to me." Walter said,"
"Me, too." said Bruce, agreeing.
"Get the spade, Ted, and let's get going while we let these two wash the dishes."
Ted and Alex started down the path along the lake, the spade over Ted's shoulder.
"Where to?" Alex asked.
"Nowhere. Let's just stand here a while and double back and see what they're doing,"
"You still expect to catch them, don't you? You're so damned sure that you're right!"
"Wanna lay money on it?"
"No...because I just might lose."
The two boys hid in the bushes and waited, looking up at the full moon. It felt nice to Alex when Ted placed his hand in Alex's and intertwined their fingers.
"Is this all right?" Ted asked in a quiet voice.
"Sure."
"I just don't want to do anything to upset you."
"I'll let you know."
"Alex, I've been thinking all night about you and what you said. How do you think I'd feel if you'd succeeded in killing yourself?"
"I don't know."
"I'd be lost...that's what! We're such a part of each other. How would you feel if I suddenly died and dropped out of your life?"
"I'd probably kill myself just to be near you again," Alex replied, suddenly feeling what it might be like to lose his bet friend.
"I wouldn't want you doing that...but it IS nice to know I'm that important to you."
"You know, Ted, since my mother died, I've felt closer to you than I have to my dad or my brother. You're number one in my life, I guess. You're closer to me than a brother."
"I know. I feel the same way about you. I wanna be honest with you, Alex. The other day when you put that video tape on with the two guys. I was so glad. It was like a wish come true for me. I'd thought a long time about finding a way of trying something sexual with you. I just didn't know how to approach the subject."
"You're kidding!"
"Nope, like I said this afternoon, I've laid in my bed jerking off and wishing you were there beside me."
"Shit, we've spent so many nights together laying side by side,.. why hadn't you ever said anything about it before?"
"Just didn't have the guts, I guess," Ted said, drumming up more courage. "Don't think I didn't want to reach over and grab your cock and play with it while you were asleep? Well, I did! . I had to get up several times and go in the bathroom and jerk off to stop myself from grabbing hold of you."
"No wonder YOU didn't feel guilty, it was I who didn't suspect anything."
"I couldn't let you in on my feelings for fear you would think I'd turned queer or something." Ted paused and continued. "Do YOU think I'm queer for thinking this way?"
"The other day I might have thought so, but not now."
"What's changed?"
"Probably the group session, staying at home. sorting out my feelings, trying to figure out what happened and why I acted the way I did."
"And did you come to a conclusion?"
"Kinda."
"Well, are you gonna let me in on it, or do we have to play 'Jeopardy and you have to put your answer in the form of a question?"
"I'll let you in on it. The past few nights that I spent, 'doing things' with Jeff...the whole time I was wishing it was you."
"You mean that or are you just saying that to make me feel better?"
"No, I mean it! And then I thought about spending the weekend up here with you...wondering if we would get the chance to do anything...and wondering even more, what would I do if we tried?"
"And what did you decide?"
"I decided if the moment was right and we were sure our dads wouldn't catch us...and IF you wanted to do anything...I'd be willing to try this time with no regrets."
"You think the moment is 'right' now?"
Alex's eyes bored into Ted's. "Yes."
Ted suddenly felt the freedom to lean over and kiss Alex. If the truth were known, this was the first kiss for either of them in their lives. The moment WAS right. Ted lips touched Alex's so delicately and with such tender emotion, both boys felt a chill.
"How was that?" Ted asked.
"It made me want more."
"Then more you shall have."
Once more Ted returned to his mouth with Alex's, but this time Ted put his arms around Alex and pried Alex's lips open with his tongue. Alex received it gladly and let Ted's tongue probe deeper into his mouth. Ted eased his best friend back down on the moist grass and slowly lowered his chest, covering Alex's.
Alex now realized he'd been such a fool, that this is what he had wanted for years as he thought to himself, "Why did it take a near disaster to make me come to grips with what was so obvious. Ted and I have always loved each other and didn't know how to show or say it...or share it." They had loved each other a long time and only now were they ready to admit it to each other and to themselves. Alex knew that,if Ted wanted him sexually, then he would freely give himself to Ted because he wanted Ted as well. Their hands were up and down each other's body as they rolled on the grass.
"Oh, Alex, this is what I dreamed of...what I hoped for!"
"Me, too, Ted...I was just to fucking dumb to recognize it. I'm glad you could see through my charade."
"Wanna take off our clothes and go skinny dipping in the moonlight?"
"I guess we could do that without making our dads suspicious."
"Wanna go check on our dads first and see what they're doin'?"
"Yeah, why don't we?...Just let's be very, very quiet, so they won't hear us."
They slipped back to camp like snakes slivering in the grass without turning a blade and saw no one. Walter and Bruce were not sitting by the open fire as their sons had expected.
"Think they're inside?"
"Probably...let's take a peek."
The lights were out inside the RV The side door was cracked about six inches as we approached with caution. They strained their ears to hear any sounds coming from within. It was Walter's voice that they heard first.
"Bruce, why can't we always be together like this?"
"I wish we could, Wally, but there is so much standing in our way...things we have no control over. Hold me closer, will you?"
Having heard his father and Wally talking so intimately, it would have been no surprise if the two dads hadn't jumped up at the sound of Alex's chin dropping to the ground in total disbelief. Ted gave Alex an 'I told you so' bump with his elbow, Ted laughed quietly but Alex was too dumb-struck to move.
Walter and Bruce were in bed together with Walter cradling Bruce in a spoon position! Alex was initially shocked, but at the same time, he had a different kind of feeling toward his Dad. Alex felt an empathy for Walter. How long had his dad and 'Uncle' Bruce loved each other?...but couldn't do so openly because of so many things standing in their way...their wives and families...their jobs...their place in the neighborhood...society...the church...so goddamned many things! Alex didn't hate Walter, he felt sorry for his dad's situation, being trapped by his natural feelings. He understood how lonely Walter had been all during all those wasted years---not living the life he wanted, but the life he was forced to live. He also wondered what had kept his dad from attempting suicide...or maybe Walter had, when he was younger---like Alex.
Then Alex thought back to the love that he and Ted had just expressed for each other and wondered if the two of them would have to live their lives in this same wanton turmoil? Sensing all these things, Alex grabbed Ted's hand and squeezed it for support.
Finally, he leaned over to Ted's ear and whispered, "Let's go back and leave them alone. Let's not spoil it for them."
Ted nodded his head in agreement and they silently left their dads to their lovemaking.
"Damn, Ted! How could I have been so blind all these years?"
"You see what you want to see, Alex!"
"But I felt so sorry for them just now...I mean...they must've wanted a life together for long time and just weren't allowed to share it...They've had to hide in the dark, in hotel rooms, finding whatever momentary happiness they could...It must have been horrible for both of them! I wonder if my mother ever knew...I wonder if 'Aunt' Jane knows now?"
"I think both our mothers knew for a long while. My mom never once got mad when our dads went away with each other."
"Y'know, come to think of it, neither did mine!"
"Do you think we should let on that we know about them?"
"Only if we're ready to tell them about us."
"What do you think they'll say?"
"Probably...go enjoy yourselves...live your lives for each other while you can...don't waste time the way we did."
"You suppose that's what they'd both say?" Alex asked.
"I'd bet my life on it?"
"Think we should tell them?"
"Tell them what, Alex?"
"That we're just like them...that...that we love each other?"
"That's the first time you've mentioned love to me, Alex."
"Well, you know I love you and you know you love me, don't you?"
"Well...yes."
"SO...what's the problem?"
"Just that you haven't really SAID it to me yet."
"Then I'll take care of that...Ted Baxter...I've been thinking hard and fast about it and I've decided that I love you...and I think we should get married."
"Y'know, I believed you until you got to that 'married' bit."
"Well, would you marry me if we could, Ted?"
"You know I would."
"So?"
"So?"
"So who's gonna buy the rings?"
"Who gets the bigger allowance?"
"You do...I wear size nine and a half on my ring finger."
"You mercenary asshole!"
"Well, I didn't want you to think that I was 'easy'!"
"I don't know about the 'easy' part...but would you like to make out?"
"Only if you do."
"Do you have any pills handy...or a gun...a knife... a razor blade? I don't want you to cum and then go into a rage and do something stupid like last time."
"Those days are all over."
"Let's go out in the woods and find a place where no one can hear us...and watch out for poison ivy!!"
They walked farther down the lake and took off our clothes and went into the water. Having waded out about waist deep, the boys turned, embraced, and their bodies merged together. The water was cold, but not cold enough to curb two eager, young erections. They kissed and slowly dropped their hands into the chilly water, gripping each other. The water began to ripple with the motion of their hands.
"God, you feel nice..." Ted whispered.
"So do you..."
"Do you feel the time is 'right' for us to go ashore, lie down, and take it to the next level?"
"The way I feel at this moment, you can take me to that level AND the next."
"You sure?"
"I'm sure...just as sure as I know that I love you."
"How are we going to act in school? I mean, we can't let anyone know."
"I know and you know. That's everyone that needs to know."
"How about our dads...and Jeff?"
"Good lord! How about your mother?"
"When and 'if' we let my dad know, he'll handle Mom."
"Wanna trade senior rings?"
"Why not? We're engaged and the both rings look alike. Inside our initials are different but no one can see them and it'll just be our secret."
"Shouldn't we, at least, make love once before we get engaged?"
"I suppose..."
"Then, what the fuck are we waiting for?"
"I'll race you back to the shore."
Alex and Ted dived into the water toward the shore and swam for dear life, reaching the grass at the same time. Alex lay on his back as Ted carefully covered Alex's wet body with his own. They kissed long and passionately. Then they made love nearly all night under the bright moon, while listening to the sounds of crickets chirping, and frogs calling each other across the water. to
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(To be continued in "Briarwood"--Book Two-chapter sixteen)