All rights reserved. Copyright held by the author. If you are underage or are offended by gay fiction, containing graphic sex and explicit language, please exit now.
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"BRIARWOOD"
Copyright Ritchris, 2006
A dramatic saga
by
Ritch Christopher
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BOOK TEN
"CHRIS AND BEYOND..."
Chapter 110
"You've forgotten the words, "I love you",
Each memory that we've shared.
You ignore every star above you.
I can't realize you've ever cared."
excerpted from "You've Changed"
music and lyrics by
Bill Carey/Carl Fischer
copyright 1942
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The nurse at the desk gave Chris directions to Carolyn's room and he walked with haste toward it. He opened the door without knocking and saw Bill sitting in a chair which was pulled closely to the bed as possible. Bill was holding Carolyn's hand next to his forehead and appeared to be praying when Chris entered. Chris, quietly, cleared his throat to let his presence be known. Bill looked up to see Chris and Bill's whole face seemed to lighten up with an expression of relief. His lips formed a 'semi' smile as he examined the change in Chris' countenance as ten years had passed since either of them had seen one another. Bill had never seen his boyhood best friend with a clerical collar which gave Chris' handsomeness a more professional quality. Age had been kind to Chris, because to Bill, Chris had never looked quite so bountifully beautiful.
Chris, at the same time, was giving Bill the long 'once-over'. He was a little amazed to see some gray hairs in Bill's temples. Even though they were the same age, Bill was showing signs of premature crow's feet and a few lines across his forehead. Perhaps, it was the worry and strain of Carolyn's illness which had caused Bill to look more mature, but still, Bill was as good-looking as Chris had remembered.
Bill arose from the chair, immediately, to go to his old buddy and embrace him tightly.
"Oh, thank God, you're here, Chris," Bill uttered above a whisper. His voice was quivering.
"I got here as soon as I could," Chris replied. "How is she?"
"Come and see for yourself," Bill said, taking Chris' hand and leading him to the other side of the bed sans the chair.
Chris leaned forward to put his hand on Carolyn's sweating brow and wiped it into her hair. "Merciful God, she must have gone through torment. How long has her breathing been this labored?"
"It started this morning. The doctor came by around nine and said that usually this was a sign that the end was near. He said it was only a matter of hours."
"Bless her heart," Chris said, then turned to Bill, "and how are YOU doing?"
"I...I'm managing. That's about all I can say. I've been sitting by her, holding her hand for the past hour, just praying that each breath she takes will be her last one."
"I'm sure it won't be long, Bill."
"Can you...or will you read her last rites?"
"Of course! Let me put my shawl around my neck and get my prayer book."
Chris reached into his side coat pocket to retrieve his white satin shawl and placed it around his neck. From his left pocket, he got a vial of oil and opened it. He had marked the place in his Book of Common Prayer to the page of Extreme Holy Unction. Bill returned to 'his' side of the bed and held Carolyn's hand once more as Chris crossed himself and began reading:
"Almighty God, look on her your servant, lying in great
weakness, and comfort her with the promise of life
everlasting, given in the resurrection of your Son Jesus
Christ our Lord. Amen.
God the Father,
Have mercy on your servant.
God the Son,
Have mercy on your servant.
God the Holy Spirit,
Have mercy on your servant.
Holy Trinity, one God,
Have mercy on your servant.
From all evil, from all sin, from all tribulation,
Good Lord, deliver her.
By your holy Incarnation, by your Cross and Passion, by
your precious Death and Burial,
Good Lord, deliver her.
By your glorious Resurrection and Ascension, and by the
Coming of the Holy Spirit,
Good Lord, deliver her.
We sinners beseech you to hear us, Lord Christ: That it may
please you to deliver the soul of your servant from the power
of evil, and from eternal death,
We beseech you to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please you mercifully to pardon all her sins,
We beseech you to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please you to grant her a place of refreshment
and everlasting blessedness,
We beseech you to hear us, good Lord.
That it may please you to give her joy and gladness in your
kingdom, with your saints in light,
We beseech you to hear us, good Lord.
Jesus, Lamb of God:
Have mercy on her.
Jesus, bearer of our sins:
Have mercy on her.
Jesus, redeemer of the world:
Give her your peace.
Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy Name,
thy kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those
who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Let us pray.
Deliver your servant, Carolyn, O Sovereign Lord Christ, from all
evil, and set her free from every bond; that she may rest with
all your saints in the eternal habitations; where with the
Father and the Holy Spirit you live and reign, one God, for
ever and ever. Amen.
Depart, O Christian soul, out of this world;
In the Name of God the Father Almighty who created you;
In the Name of Jesus Christ who redeemed you;
In the Name of the Holy Spirit who sanctifies you.
May your rest be this day in peace,
and your dwelling place in the Paradise of God.
Into your hands, O merciful Savior, we commend your
servant Carolyn. Acknowledge, we humbly beseech you, a sheep of
your own fold, a lamb of your own flock, a sinner of your
own redeeming. Receive her into the arms of your mercy,
into the blessed rest of everlasting peace, and into the
glorious company of the saints in light. Amen.
May her soul and the souls of all the departed, through the
mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen."
During the short service, as in olden days of the Anglican Church, Chris anointed Carolyn's eyes, ears, nostrils, lips, hands, and feet, while several times, anointing her forehead and breasts. Bill cried during Chris' delicate ceremony. The service was similar to the Roman Catholics and Bill responded in all the right places of the litany as a spoken antiphony.
It was unknown to both Chris and Bill, when exactly Carolyn took her final breath for as soon as Chris said the last 'Amen', Carolyn had peacefully slipped away into death.
"Chris LOOK! She's stopped breathing!" Bill exclaimed, tearfully.
"I know, Bill, she's gone. Carolyn is gone." Chris' eyes were filled with tears at the same time. The two stood by the bed, silently, for several minutes in reverence until Chris said, "Bill, I'd better go get the nurse. She'll have to make a notation of the time of Carolyn's passing. The doctor or someone will have to announce her demise, officially. Stay here and I'll be back shortly."
Soon the nurse came in with Chris, took her stethoscope and checked Carolyn's heart while feeling her wrist for a pulse. When she was satisfied that Carolyn was indeed dead, she turned off the machines, monitoring Carolyn's vitals. Then she placed her hand on Bill's shoulder and whispered, quietly, "I'm sorry". Then she left.
Chris went behind the seated, Bill, and put one hand on each of Bill's shoulders and gently massaged some of the tension that had gathered over the course of days. Bill raised one hand and placed it on top of Chris' hand while still holding Carolyn's hand with the other.
Suddenly, the door opened and Bucky walked in, saying, rather loudly, "I had trouble finding a parking space...". Then he saw the severity of the situation in the room. "You mean, she's gone and I missed it?" Bill removed his hand from the top of Chris' and took Bucky's hand in its place.
"You're all I have now, Bucky..." Chris said, pulling Bucky close and putting his hand which was holding Carolyn's around Bucky's hips. Bill put his face into Bucky's midsection and broke down to cry. Bucky stroked Bill's hair and the back of his hand to comfort him. Chris had a look of shallow skepticism at what he was seeing between his friend and the young boy. Bucky leaned over to kiss the top of Bill's head.
"Don't worry, Bill!" Bucky whispered. "You still have me and I'll always love you. I swear to you that I'll never leave you...no matter what!"
Chris was beginning to feel uncomfortable and spoke up to say, "Uh...would you like me to let you two have a few minutes alone?"
Bill lifted his head and said, "No, Chris...". Then when Bill's eyes looked up into Bucky's, Bill suddenly added..."Yes, Chris, if you don't mind. I WOULD like to have a moment alone with Bucky."
Chris nodded and walked to the far side of Carolyn's bed, took his thumb to make the sign of the cross on her forehead one last time. Then he left the room.
Bill put his other arm around Bucky's hips and said, "I suppose we shouldn't have been so demonstrative in front of Chris. I wonder what he's thinking. I...I didn't have time to tell him about you."
"That's OK, Bill, I sorta told him all about us on the drive here from the airport."
"Did he seem shocked?"
"He got real quiet. I...I can't say that he actually approved as he kept asking me dumb questions about how old I am and did my mom know about us."
"I'll have to offer Chris some kind of explanation. He and I...well, we were rather close when we were growing up."
"Were you and he, 'jerk off' buddies?"
"Yes, but we were only kids. We weren't really serious except for being best friends."
"Well, THAT'S a relief. I kept thinking he was coming down here to take you away from me."
"No one's going to take you away from me, Bucky. You're mine...and as I just said, you're all I have now."
"I was just wondering..."
"What?"
"Well, now that Carolyn's gone. Do you think that you and I could move into her bedroom? I mean, it's much bigger and I'd have more room for my cd's and games."
"I don't see why not. We could redecorate it with new furniture, new paint, new draperies and bedspread...make it OUR bedroom...YOURS and MINE!"
"That would be great! When's the funeral?"
"Probably, Friday. I told Chris that I would have him back home in Briarwood for his Sunday mass."
"Is he going to spend the night at the house?"
"I...I don't know. There's only the couch and I don't think Chris would want to sleep in Carolyn's bed. I'll talk with him and see what he wants to do. I should have thought of it sooner and got him a hotel room."
"That's better. I mean, when we have sex, Carolyn was always doped up and couldn't hear all the noise we make. I'd feel kinda funny having you fuck me with a priest in the next room. Did you ever fuck him or did he ever fuck you?"
"You know, Bucky, I can't remember! It's been SO long ago."
"Well, if you did, don't ever tell me about it because it would only make me jealous."
"Dear one, you have no reason to be jealous of Chris or ANYONE. From now on, it's just gonna be you and me forever and always."
"You know that I love you, don't you, Bill?"
"And I love you, you little brat!"
Bucky leaned down and kissed Bill. "Now that we don't have to be QUIET any more around the house, could we look into getting that motor bike you promised me. I mean, Carolyn won't be bothered by the racket."
"I'll even buy you TWO motor bikes...one red and one blue, if you like."
"That would be swell! Then we could ride together!"
"I've never ridden a motor bike before."
"Good, that's something that 'I' can teach YOU. You taught me how to drive, how to be a man and all the ways to have sex because I knew nothing about it and NOW, there's something I can teach you! Hooray!"
"Sssh. Don't make too much noise, Chris will never understand us sounding so jubilant with Carolyn lying in the bed as she is."
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Bill and Bucky stayed with Carolyn's still warm corpse for another ten minutes before coming out of the room. Chris was waiting outside with the nurse. Once the family had left a deceased patient, it was her duty to cover the body with a sheet and have it transported down the elevator to the hospital morgue. She had already called Carolyn's doctor and he informed her what to write on the chart and to begin filling out the death certificate with cause of death, time, place, etc. which he would sign and verify later that evening when he came by to go his rounds.
Chris was a bit concerned by Bill's demeanor. Only a few minutes ago, he was shedding tears and crying out loud. When he came out of Carolyn's room with his arm around Bucky, Bill and Bucky were both smiling, as if Carolyn's death had not made any impression on them at all.
"Bill?" Chris asked. "What would you like to do? Would you like to go home, go get a bite to eat, or is it too early to go to the mortuary to make Carolyn's final arrangements?"
"Chris, I AM a bit hungry," Bill replied, then looked at Bucky. "What about you, Sport? Could you use something to eat?"
"I'm famished. Since you stayed all night here at the hospital, I didn't have any breakfast," Bucky replied.
"That's not healthy for a growing boy! Let's go get you filled up!"
"Is there a place to eat, nearby?" Chris asked.
"Do you remember Lulu's Cafe where we used to go?" Bill replied.
"Is that place still open?" Chris inquired.
"Nothing's changed except the tablecloths, daily."
"Is Lulu still alive and running the place?"
"Same as always."
"That sounds fine. It would be nice to see an old friendly face!" Chris said.
The three of them took the elevator to the main lobby of the hospital. Bill and Chris stayed outside of the front door while Bucky went to get Bill's car from where he parked it.
Once Bucky had gone, Bill looked at Chris and asked, "What do you think of him?"
"Bucky?"
"Who else?"
"He seems like a nice kid...a bit caustic, but still a kid."
"He's MUCH older than he acts."
"Bill?"
"Yes?"
"You just lost your wife...the love of your life, and suddenly you want to talk about Bucky..."
"He's very important to me, Chris."
"I would think you'd be grieving about Carolyn."
"Chris, I've seen Carolyn suffer so much during the past few months, I...it's almost a relief...NO! It IS a relief to see her pass away. Oh, by the way, that was a very nice litany you performed upstairs."
"Thanks. I...I only wish I had had a chance to see Carolyn...I mean, I would have dearly loved to serve her communion."
"She would have LOVED receiving communion from you. Oh, before I forget...Carolyn wrote you a note on Monday and asked if I would give it to you...you know, just in case she didn't get to talk with you in person!" Bill said, reaching inside his coat pocket to retrieve a sealed envelope. "I...I, of course, didn't read it as I was for your eyes only."
"Thanks, Bill. I'll read it later. If what she wanted to say to me was private, it's best I read it when I'm alone or by myself."
"She loved you, you know."
"I'm glad, Bill. I...Well, after high school when we...split up, I never knew how MUCH she knew about yours and my relationship. I didn't know if she suspected anything or how much you had told her about us."
"Was there that much to tell, Chris?"
"Only eighteen years of being best friends and...well, what I would call young lovers."
"Oh, Chris, what we did was just a part of normal adolescence...a phase all kids or best friends experience."
"You call our lovemaking a phase?"
"What else? You didn't think it would last, did you? I mean, granted, I loved you as my best friend, but certainly, not the way I loved Carolyn."
"I don't know if this is the time or place...I take that back! This is NOT the time and place, but I'll say it anyway. YOU hurt me, Bill!"
"How, for God's sake?"
"Whether you realized it or not...well, at least, I THOUGHT you realized it...I was deeply and madly in love with you! I thought you felt the same way about me."
"Chris, I love you still, like I always did. Nothing has changed."
"Oh, I guess I read too much into your 'goodbye' over the telephone, the other day when you first called me. You said, 'I love you' before you hung up."
"I meant it. I DO love you."
"But NOT the way you love Bucky, huh?"
"Wow! That was a low blow!"
"You DO love him, don't you?"
"I need him, if that's the same as loving him."
"On the way over here to the hospital, he told me that the two of you were having sex."
"Sex is just a physical outlet to release tension. Surely, you know how much tension I've had heaped upon me with Carolyn's illness."
"Perhaps, but Bucky is underage. He's a mere child, Bill!"
"He's seventeen."
"Yes, and legal age in Georgia is eighteen. You could be arrested for molestation and be tagged as a pedophile!"
"Who's going to turn me in? Bucky's mother? She knows all about Bucky's and my relationship."
"Did Carolyn know?"
"Hell, no! That would have broken her heart. I couldn't add emotional pain to her physical pain. Bucky and I were very discreet."
"You had no guilt, whatsoever, about having sex with Bucky while Carolyn lay dying in the next room?"
"Carolyn didn't know what we were doing. If I thought she'd ever had an inkling of what was going on between Bucky and me, I...I would have stopped it."
"OH? And resumed it once she was dead?"
"Probably."
"I'm curious, when Father James confirmed you into the Anglican Church, did he ask you to say confession?"
"Yes, it was part of the obligation."
"Did you confess to him about you and Bucky?"
"Of course not. If I had, he would never have confirmed Carolyn and me into his church."
"Bill, you're no dummy. You know that a priest is only a mediator between you and God during confession. You're actually confessing your sins to God before a priest. Don't you feel that God knows what you've done and what you are doing?"
"I weighed it in my mind and I thought God wouldn't want me to be lonely. Your church doesn't frown on homosexual sex. I, fully, believe that God understands. IF I had said anything in my confession to Father James, it would have been HE, not God, who would have not understood."
"Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Bill, I'll remember you in MY prayers tonight. Perhaps, God will answer my prayer and make you see the error in your misdoings."
"You didn't feel that way when we were sucking each other's cocks!"
"No, and you weren't married to Carolyn when we did it, either!"
"We'd better hush! There's Bucky with the car."
"Bill, is the Miller Hotel still open on Main Street?"
"Yes, but it's a bit run down."
"I...I'd like you to take me there. I...I don't think it would be wise for me to spend the night at your house if you and Bucky are going to sleep together."
"I was going to ask where you wanted to stay, but, you've just solve the sleeping arrangements. I'll come by later this evening and pick you up and we can talk about the funeral."
"Are you still planning on having her service on Friday?"
"Yes, I am."
"Good. I don't suppose Carolyn will be ready for viewing until tomorrow. We can talk then. I...I guess it's jet lag, but I'm rather tired and feel a bit woozy."
"How the hell could you get jet lag from Briarwood to Riverwind? We're in the same time zone."
"I don't know, but I'm feeling rather sick to my stomach!"
"It's Bucky and I, who made you sick to your stomach, isn't it?"
"I won't lie. Seeing my best friend after all these years, only to find out that he's a pedophile is enough to make ANYONE sick to his stomach!"
"I can't believe you're acting as you are. You're a priest, for God's sake! I'm sure you hear worse sins than mine every week during confessions."
"None quite so personal."
"So you're gonna sit on your throne as if you were God and pass judgment on me?"
"I don't judge, Bill. I would think that YOU would have better judgment for what you're doing."
"Come on, get into the car and I'll drop you at the hotel."
"You know, Bill, on second thought, I think I'll call a cab."
"You're kidding?"
"Like hell, I am. Go on, YOU get into your car. Bucky Boy is starving to death and Daddy Bill needs to feed him!"
"Chris, Chris, please don't take this attitude!"
"I'll stay ONLY for Carolyn's sake and not yours! PLEASE leave, Bill!"
"All right! If that's what you want..."
"That's EXACTLY what I want!"
Bill got into the passenger side of his car and he and Bucky drove away.
Chris was, instantly, sorry for many of the things he had just said to Bill. He stood on the sidewalk until Bill's car disappeared. Chris was raging inside with anger, but that couldn't begin to stop the tears streaking down his cheeks. He reached into his left hip pocket to get out a handkerchief to wipe his eyes and blow his nose. Then, he got his cell phone from his inside coat pocket and dialed home. The phone rang four times before Brad answered.
"Father Curtis' residence," Brad said.
"Father Curtis' residence and not yours?" Chris asked.
"Hey, buddy! How are you and WHERE are you?"
"I'm standing just outside the hospital."
"How's Carolyn?"
"She's gone, Brad."
"I'm sorry, Chris...REALLY I am."
"Thanks."
"How's Bill taking it?"
"Not as deeply as I am."
"What's wrong, babe?"
Chris paused before replying. "I...Brad, I suddenly felt good chills when you called me, babe'."
"Oh?"
"I think I just needed to hear the voice of someone who cared for me."
"You know how I feel about you, Chris. God knows, I told you that I loved you so many times last night!"
"The real reason I'm calling you is to tell you that I love you the same way..."
"Oh, my God, let me sit down."
"I REALLY DO, Brad."
"Did something bad happen between you and Bill?"
"No, not between us, but I'm so glad I came. That chapter of my life with Bill is over, once and forever!"
"My God! You've just made me the happiest person on earth."
"Primarily, I want you to know that you've taken a giant leap toward making our relationship permanent. I, still, believe that we should sleep in separate bedrooms for a while, at least, but for now, be hopeful and know that I DO love you!"
"I...I don't know what to say. Perhaps when you hang up, I'll go outside on the porch and scream, WOWEE!"
"Scream all you want. I'll be home Friday afternoon or Friday night, depending on the flight schedule to Briarwood. Are you still planning to have dinner with Cliff and Roger this evening?"
"Sweetheart, I'm READY to meet ALL of your family!"
"That's what they are...Cliff, Roger, ALL their Briarwood Boys...and now, you!"
"I'm glad you can't see the tears running down my cheeks, Chris."
"I have them, too."
"I love you."
"And I love you, Mr. Big Time Author! Oh, I'll be spending tonight and tomorrow night at the Miller Hotel, here in Briarwood..."
"You're not gonna stay with Bill?"
"No."
"That's music to my ears!"
"I have to call a cab and go check in at the hotel. Call me on my cell when you get home from Cliff's."
"I like hearing you say that!"
"What?"
"Home. I've never had one since I moved out of my parents place."
"You have one now and as long as you wish to stay!"
"How about a lifetime?"
"That might do for 'starters'!"
"Should I tell Cliff and Roger what you just told me?"
"No, act nonchalant. Don't let them know a thing. I want to be there so we can tell them together."
"Like a real couple?"
"Like a real couple, Brad."
"Go check into your hotel and wait for my call later tonight. Right now, I want to sit down and enjoy a big cry!"
"I wish you were here to put your arms around me, right now. I need a hug."
"Chris, I'll hug you all night, Friday night."
"I can hardly wait! Goodbye for now, Brad."
"Goodbye, babe...MY BABE!"
They hung up and Chris called the operator to get the number for a taxi. Chris felt better than he had since Ed became ill. He couldn't wait to be home with Brad!
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Chris' taxi arrived about thirty minutes later and he went to the Miller Hotel to register. Bill was right about one thing, the Miller Hotel was certainly run down. Since there were very few travelers staying there, Clyde Miller had chosen to rent over half his rooms to people who could not afford to rent houses or unkempt apartments. It was just about one step above being a mission or a shelter for indigents. Remembering his roots in Atlanta, Chris didn't act snobbish and checked into a suite anyway. Had he remembered the cold Autumn nights in Riverwind, he might have opted for a smaller room since all the rooms were heated with steam heated radiators. It took a lot of steam radiation to heat a two-room suite plus bath.
There were two double beds in his room, so Chris took the blankets and bedspread from the 'other' bed and put them on his to keep warmer during the cold night. He didn't bother to unpack his shoulder bag or put any of his clothes in the closet or drawers, especially when Chris opened the top dresser drawer, only to see three cockroaches playing a game of soccer, using a rat turd for a ball. Oh, well, it would only be for two nights at the most.
Chris hadn't eaten and walked down the stairs of the hotel then out onto the street. Riverwind was as he remembered it from his youth, only older and more decrepit. "Charley-Bill's Tavern" was still on the next corner and Chris remembered that they used to serve hot food in order to maintain their Georgia beer license. So, it was "Charley-Bill's Tavern" on his agenda for supper. Down South, the evening meal was never called 'dinner'. 'Dinner' was used to refer to a hot meal at lunch. 'Lunch' was used to describe a sandwich, potato chips, and a Coke at noon.
As Chris walked toward the tavern, he wished he had brought a warmer coat with him from Briarwood. The black shirt he was wearing was the kind which used a clip-on clerical collar and so, Chris removed his stiff white collar as he neared the tavern. When he entered, there were over twenty people inside and Chris surveyed every face looking for a familiar one. It had been nearly fifteen years since he had returned to Riverwind and absolutely, NO ONE was recognizable to him. He saw an empty booth way in the back of the room and went to it to sit down. There were no menus in the tavern, just a chalk board behind the bar, listing today's special and the regular 'hamburger, chili' items.
A young girl, who appeared to be around sixteen-years-old, came to Chris' booth with a glass of water and a set of silverware wrapped in a paper napkin. "Good evening," she said.
"Good evening," Chris replied with a smile.
"Kin I git you sumpthin'? A cup of kawphy, maybe?"
"Coffee would be nice."
"Kin you read the menu on the wall frum where you're sittin'?"
"I think so."
"Let me tell you about today's special anyhow!"
"Thank you."
"We got fried pork chops, turnip greens, mashed potatoes, with home-made milk gravy, and cherry cobbler for dessert."
"That sounds fine," Chris said. "I'll have today's special."
"You ain't from around her, are ya?"
"I...I USED to be."
"Oh, you came back to visit your folks?"
"Actually, I came back to see a couple of old friends."
"I could tell you were from around here by your Yankee accent."
"Believe me, I'm no Yankee. I lived for quite a while in Atlanta, but I don't think I developed a Yankee accent there."
"Well, you just don't talk like us...if you know what I mean..."
"I'll try to put on my Riverwind accent by the time you return with my coffee."
"You already got milk and sugar on the table if you take it in your kawphy. If you want that saccharine or aspertame, that'll be ten cents extra."
"Sugar will do just fine, thanks."
"Good for you! That artifishul stuff gives rats cancer...prob'ly does more 'n that to human bein's!"
"I...I never trusted the stuff myself," Chris mused her.
"Okey doke, I'll be back in a jiffy!"
The young waitress left Chris while someone at the bar decided to play the juke box. Soon, the tavern was filled with the voice of Eddy Arnold, singing, "You give your hand to me and then you say, 'Hello', and I can hardly speak, my heart is beating so. And anyone can tell, you think you know me well. Well, you don't know me."
Chris listened to the lyrics of the old country-western song and said to himself, 'Boy, you can say that again...and he probably will!'
Only a few minutes later, the young girl returned with Chris' coffee, saying that his supper would be ready in about ten minutes. "The pork chops are fried fresh when someone orders 'em. It eliminates all that fatty grease buildin' up on 'em."
"Thanks," Chris said.
He remembered that he had Carolyn's letter to him in his coat pocket, but he couldn't decide whether to read it now or wait until later tonight in his hotel 'suite'. Hell, there was no one to talk with in the tavern and certainly no one to invade his privacy, so he pulled the envelope out, tore it open, carefully, and began to read it:
"Dear Chris...or should I say, 'Father Chris'? I suppose since you're reading this, I've gone home to meet my Lord. Even though I won't be there in body for my service, I'm sure that God will permit me to attend my own funeral. I can't thank you enough for coming home to Riverwind to put me to my rest.
Needless to say, my pain has been quite severe, much more painful than I would let Bill see. I've tried to be a 'good patient' as my doctor puts it, but I do thank God for morphine.
Chris, there are so many things I want to say to you. I'm just sorry that I can't be there to tell you in person. I want to thank you first for arranging everything with Father James, allowing him to convert me from Roman Catholic to Anglican. Somehow, I feel that God is more forgiving to Anglicans and less judgmental, in spite of the fact that both Roman Catholics and Anglicans worship the same God.
I remember from my early catechism that for a soul to reach his place in heaven, he or she must first confess his or her sins before man. The one burden I've carried in my heart and on my shoulders all these years, I've never confessed to any priest, but since YOU are a priest, I can say my final confession to you.
The greatest sin or wrong-doing I ever committed in my life was hurting you. Yes, you, Chris. I've always known that I stole from you the thing you loved most in life...Bill. I was mean and greedy by wanting Bill all to myself. I wasn't stupid when I married. I had known for a long time about yours and Bill's relationship. I could see it in your eyes AND in Bill's, just how much you both were in love with each other.
But my womanly pride and envy took over and I HAD to win Bill away from you. The night he was supposed to meet you after graduation, I, all but, forced him to propose. Bill was weak and I didn't give him a chance to protest or say, 'no'. I really don't think you and he ever saw each other much after we got engaged. I'm SURE you two never met to have sex again.
Yes, I knew all about Bill's homosexual feelings. He's done his best to suppress them through the years that we've been married. Again, I'm no fool. I'm sure he has transgressed with other men since our marriage...but that was OK with me. As long as I didn't show disapproval, I was certain he would stay with me and never leave.
Now, by some unkind act of God, it is I, who must leave him. This was one of the biggest reasons I wanted you to perform my funeral mass. I've prayed that when you two met again, face-to-face, both of you would rekindle your love for one another and begin it again where it left off. I'm certain that Bill will deny his love for you, but I know in his heart just how much he DOES love you.
I don't know if you're married or involved in some kind of relationship, but it is my last prayer that you'll be free to give him the love he needs after I'm gone. It is also my prayer that you'll get the love from him that you've always wanted.
Please, Chris, please, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me for taking Bill away from you and if you can forgive him for betraying you, I want you two to join together. Have him move to Briarwood to live with you because he'll need you more now than ever. Any fool could see that you two belong together. You grew up together, made love together, and I KNOW in your heart of hearts that both of you are still very much in love with each other.
If you can absolve me of this one sin, I'm sure that the Almighty will admit me to His kingdom and I can dwell in the House of the Lord until you and Bill arrive to meet me there. I love you Chris. Bill loves you...PLEASE love him...for my sake, Bill's, and yours!
Eternally yours,
Carolyn"
Once again, Chris eyes were bright red from angered tears...Exactly, how much of Carolyn's letter was true, remained to be seen. Didn't she have ANY idea about Bucky? Even if Chris and Bill WERE to reunite, where would Bucky fit into the picture? How the hell could Bill just suddenly pack up and move to Briarwood? THAT would really take some explaining on Chris' part. Bucky, hell! What about Brad? 'Damn it all to hell!' Chris cried out to himself, inside.
Chris could feel his stomach muscles tighten as if he was about to experience a huge case of diarrhea. His first impulse was to leave a twenty-dollar bill on the table and leave. He was in no mood for greasy pork chops now. ALL his hunger had subsided.
Suddenly, a burst of hatred went through his bowels. Chris hated Carolyn for admitting she knew what she was doing when she took Bill away from him. He hated Bill for not being 'man-enough' to tell Carolyn his true feelings...and he REALLY hated Bucky, who was now, more than likely, getting his brains fucked out by Bill while Carolyn was being embalmed at the funeral home!
How he wished he could call Brad now, but Brad was probably already at Cliff and Roger's feasting on some banquet which Jay had prepared. Chris couldn't or WOULDN'T disturb Brad. Let him enjoy his evening and get to know Cliff, Roger, and the Boys.
Chris didn't bother to fold Carolyn's letter and put it back into its envelope. Instead, he wadded it up and put it in his side coat pocket. He was lost in thought when the little waitress brought his food.
"Sir? Are you all right?"
"Huh? What? Oh, yes, I...I'm fine. My...my stomach is a bit queasy."
"I can get you some baking soda and water or a TUMS, if you like."
"No, no, that's quite all right. I...I haven't eaten all day and..."
"Well, you can end that starvation right now. Here's you 'special' and I put you two hot biscuits on the side of your plate, FRESH out of the oven."
"Thank you...it looks good," Chris lied.
"Now, if you need anything else, just wave at me. I can't hardly hear you if you call me because that durned old jukebox is turned up so loud!"
"Thanks, I'll remember to wave."
"Well as they say in the movies...'Bone appetite'!"
Chris looked at the plate of food...the hot biscuits DID look appetizing. After all, they were home-made buttermilk biscuits and it had been many years since he had tried one. The biscuits were piping hot, but Chris managed to break one in two and spread a pat of butter between the two halves. God! It WAS delicious. Next, he eyed the milk gravy on the potatoes, and suddenly that looked good too.
Perhaps it was due to his hunger, but Chris ate every bite of food on his plate which helped him to forget Carolyn's letter and Bill and Bucky, momentarily. Chris even finished the cobbler with a second cup of coffee.
His full stomach made Chris sleepy and so he decided to go back to the hotel and nap until eleven o'clock or so, or until Brad got home from Cliff's. Chris paid the check for his meal, which he had really enjoyed, and before leaving, he left the waitress a ten-dollar tip, which was probably twice as big as any tip she'd ever received.
The wind had picked up and turned much colder on his return trip to the hotel. He climbed the steps to the third floor then went to his room. Thank God, there WAS a television set with rabbit ears...no cable of course. He tuned in two of his favorite CBS Wednesday night shows, 'Criminal Minds', to be followed by 'CSI-New York'. At least THESE would remind him of Briarwood and home as he always watched them there. By then, it would be eleven and he would try to phone Brad.
Before settling down into bed, Chris went to the bathroom to relieve himself and make room for the meal he had just devoured. Then he undressed down to his underwear and crawled under the two sets of bed linens to get warm. The room was probably around fifty-five to sixty degrees from the lack of heat from the radiators.
The plot on 'Criminal Minds' concerned profiling a child molester which immediately brought Bill to Chris' mind. 'A kid?' 'Bucky?' kept rolling over in Chris mind. Was Bill trying to revive a youthful relationship as he had experienced with Chris. Was that the real reason Bill was having sex with a seventeen-year-old boy. Was Bucky being USED as a proxy or substitute for the younger Chris? Could be! But, IF Brad had not reentered Chris' life, how would Chris feel about 'starting over' with Bill, his first love? For many years, during their prepubescent years and through junior high and high school, Chris and Bill had been as one entity...two of them made up one whole person. At that time, both DID love each other! But how about now...with Carolyn being gone? If there were no Bucky, how would Chris feel about Bill. Only NOW there was Bucky and Brad...which complicated EVERYTHING...but only if Chris allowed them to do so. Did he or would he ever love Brad as much as he once loved Bill?
On the other hand, when Bill left Chris' life, it was Brad who rescued Chris and showed him how to love again. Now Ed was gone and once again, it was Brad whom God had sent to rescue him.
Besides, how in the world could Chris ever get Bill away from Bucky...or should he? NO! What Bill was doing with Bucky was illegal and if anyone found out, Bill could or would go to jail and in Georgian prison, child molesters were usually killed by fellow prisoners AFTER everyone on the prison ward had raped him. 'Oh, my God! What to do? What to do?'.
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(To be continued in "Briarwood"---Book Ten---'Chris and beyond...' ---chapter 111.)