OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the archive and loved them. This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT! Enjoy and please send mail to Zelgadyss@hotmail.com with god or bad comments on the story. Just remember its my first time, and any resemblance to other stories I am sory it's coincidental and quite on accident.
Part 8...WOW. Never thought I would be good enough for a part three. But you have spoken, and so here we go, here comes part 8. I wish to thank JM for his great writing and inspiring me, as well as many others. I'd like to thank all the other BSB and N SYNC authors for all the support you have given me thru the mails, I appreciate it J. Now for the important business, I got a way to keep AOL.YAY! So I can keep on writing. With no further ado, here is part 8 of Brian's Seven Sea's of Loneliness (We like the song, yes, no, maybe..no one has made a comment on the song itself, lemme know J ))
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 8 by Jon
I slowly opened my eyes, I looked at Brian laying there so peacefully. It brought back so many memories of the past few days. It brought back how good it felt to be in another person's arms, and feel complete. Complete. Today that word has new meaning. I finally feel whole, as if a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and it has. The weight of always hiding in my shell from other afraid to be hurt was a heavy load. Refusing to become close to someone for fear of being hurt. Brian opened me up to a whole new world of feelings, a whole new life where I don't have to be anyone but me. I can do what I like, and not worry who dislikes it. I can be open and have friends that are there because of who I am inside. He has shown me how to be a whole person, and the hole in my heart has been filled. The void that was my heart has been filled with an unquestionable love. Its a love that's so pure, and so true, so perfect, that its almost like its a dream. But one I will never wake up from. As I start thinking about life and its possibilities I start to ease down as to not wake up my sleeping lover. And just stare into the sky, and just say my morning prayers, thankful I had my dreams finally and thankful I have love. As much as I wanted to stay in his arms tho, and all the love he has given, has made me so happy. A small part of me still has the urge to run away and close up tho. A part of me unwilling to let go of the past, and thus unwilling to go to the future.
Its that part of me that dragged me out of bed. Carefully as to not wake Brian, and to get dressed. A part of me needed to be alone again, and to think for awhile. I needed to remember who I was inside, and all I had been thru, and make sure my feelings were real. I loved him for him, not who he was, but I wanted no doubt in my hear, cause that would be unfair to both. I had to be sure before I left that this was real. To do that I needed to walk, and think. I needed to be totally alone like I used to do when I was troubled to pray. I needed to totally clear my mind, and when I knew what my heart truly felt, then I could come back, and not a moment before. So with that I crept out, my bag in hand, down the hall to the elevator. As I got in, Kevin and Nick were getting out. Kevin seemed upset about something, and Nick didn't seem to well either. "Hey guys what's up?" They both looked at me with a bit of shock. "What makes you think anything is up?" Kevin said in a quick paced tone. "Just wanted to make sure all is well, you look like hell and Nick doesn't look much better." Was all I stated, and they looked at me with fear in their eyes. "Look guys I will but out if that's your wish, but when your ready to talk I will be around. I'm supposed to make sure your OK, it's my job, as a friend. Also as a Body Guard, I am supposed to make sure your OK." Kevin closed his eyes and a tear escaped them, and he motioned me into his room with Nick. I saw this as a move in the right direction, wondering what was bothering them both so much. I knew it was serious...but not how serious it was.
"I've been having this dream.." Kevin started "About me as a kid in High School. I was with a guy I loved with all my heart. I thought it was normal for a guy to like another guy and experiment. I had just assumed it was all right. We were both very much in love with each other, We had waited a few months for sex, and we had been having sex for a few months at this point. We were in a small field, it was a night bright with stars and a good sized moon. We didn't know that our parents had followed us to this place. It was our little place, and they caught us having sex. My dad, needless to say, flipped. He started yelling and threw me into the car. Mike was taken by his parents and we were both lectured for weeks. Forced to go to the priest, and perform long confessionals and repent. I didn't believe it was wrong, and I repressed my feelings for anyone for years. I dated no girls, no guys, no one period. Even when I found out a few of the guys were gay, it didn't phase me. Seeing you and Brian, it made me realize that I can be happy and gay, or I think. Somewhere you guys jogged my memories. I have been fighting these feelings for years..but I'm not ready to tell the guys. The only reason I told Nick was, he found me crying, and well...I have a crush on him." I looked at Nick and he nodded. "So I figured I owed it to him to tell him I liked him, and see what happens. Seems he was hiding a crush of his own, and we are going to try to start what you and Brian have. But we don't want the guys to know, ESPECIALLY Brian..which is why I didn't want to tell you Jon." I looked at Kevin. "Kevin I won't say a word to Bri, that's not my place, but I cannot cover up for you either. He is only going to support you, as do I. Anything I can do to help, feel free to ask, but don't ask me to lie for you...I can't. You guys have talking to do, and I have a lot of thinking to do...I hope to see you later." With that I left the bewildered couple to talk and walked off, putting my walk-man on, hoping Brian was asleep.
I went to the receptionist and left a message to the guys. "Guys, I had to go out and clear my thoughts. I had to be sure this is really what I want, its a big deal for me to leave my life, I hope you understand. Brian, if you get this, remember I love you, but if its not right, I don't want you to suffer...if I come back, I will leave with you tonight, if not, I will call, and we will work around it. Please realize I have to do this, and don't hate me. Jon" With the notice there, I left. I walked out the door and turned around, realizing my love was in the building, and I may not return. Knowing no matter what choice I made I was going to drastically affect all our lives, my decision had to be true and right tho. By this point in time, I knew my "Gift" was the power of premonition. I had been working on it for a year now, and trying to tune it. I had gotten pretty good at it, but I knew it wasn't going to help me, so I did what I always did when I was confused. I looked in my heart. I sat down and closed my eye's. I opened my third eye (that's just your imagination) and I looked into my heart. I didn't get the answers I looked for, as it was my very heart that was torn. Torn by my love of Brian, and the love I held for my friends, which were my family. I started to picture my envisionment of the Goddess. Soon enough, a lady of great looks walked down on a cloud staircase. I spoke to her, and hugged her. "Great Mother, I am so confused and torn. I don't know what to do this time, and looking deep in my heart didn't help me. I know I love Brian, and I know he loves me, but I'm not sure I am ready to leave my life...what shall I do?" She looked at me, returning the hug, and like any good mother, she wiped my tears away, and cradled me in her arms, he white aura surrounding me, as if to give me clairvoyance and help me see what I wanted, as she spoke. "What is holding you to your life now Jonathon? The love of your friends will follow you no matter where you go. They will support your happiness anyway they can. They will love you, unconditionally, just as Brian does. Are you willing to give up his love? Are you willing to stay in your old life, where you were so unhappy, rather than take a chance, and be with your love. To be with the man who's heart beats like yours?" She smiled down at me, and looked at me, her deep eyes piercing my soul. "No, I'm not willing to leave Brian, and I'm not willing to make him choose between me and the guys. I won't make him choose between two loves. This burden is mine to bear, and I choose him. I know my friends will support me, and my job will have to understand." I looked up to her and smiled. "All these years this was your plan for me...all my hardships, were to make me stronger and to find my one love wasn't it, to make sure I had the strength to do what it took to be with him. All the unhappiness was to be balanced off now with utter joy wasn't it? You always watched over me, as I prayed to you..as I prayed to the heavens and asked for help. You were always there for me, you knew I was to find happiness didn't you?" She merely nodded as her form ascended the stairs again, and I slowly opened my eyes..... ~~~~ Brian's Room ~~~~ My angel had just awoken, alone. He looked about the room hoping to find me, but try as he might I was no where in sight. He saw his message light on, and assumed it was from me. He went to the bathroom, and took care of all his business, and then ran a shower. He lingered under the hot water, as a smile crept across his face. Pictures of us ran throughout his mind, and the things that were to be. He felt a slight knot in his stomach, as he sat in the tub from the pain. It lasted about 15 minutes, then he got out, a bit worried about me, and grabbed his message. >From the receiver came: "Guys, I had to go out and clear my thoughts. I had to be sure this is really what I want, its a big deal for me to leave my life, I hope you understand. Brian, if you get this, remember I love you, but if its not right, I don't want you to suffer...if I come back, I will leave with you tonight, if not, I will call, and we will work around it. Please realize I have to do this, and don't hate me. Jon" Brian looked at the phone as if to say it isn't true. He put on a hat and glasses, and he walked out the door, not knowing where to go, or where I went. He stopped for a few minutes and looked around. He closed his eyes, and as if searching his soul for me, he just walked the way his heart told him to. He had been walking for a little while till he saw me on the bench, my eyes opening, as he was in front of me, and he looked at me. He was looking for a sign of happiness, or if he should be sad, but on my face was a siren look, as I asked him to sit. "How did you find me Brian?" he looked at me "I followed my heart and it lead me to you." I smiled a bit "Well my heart was torn, and my soul fixed it, after my prayers were answered I had looked to my heart and made my decision." Brian's face got a smug look on it, as if he was just shot or something, as I continued. "I choose to follow my heart, to take a chance on a love that's real. I am leaving all I knew, but in my heart nothing will change. My friends if they cannot support me, were not friends at all. Besides, all I need in life is my god, my goddess, air in my lungs, and a love in my heart. You completed me Brian. You were the final ingredient in my life that I needed to be happy. You were the unconditional love. I have endured all I have, for this moment in life. The moment I will be complete, and happy. Both knowing the hardships, but the reward much worth the toils and labor. Brian, I choose you. I choose you in every way, I choose your soul to be with mine. I choose your heart to beat with mine. I choose you to take me out of "The 7 Sea's of Loneliness" so my heart doesn't have to beat alone. So my soul can walk hand in hand with yours. Take me away from the sea's Brian, take me away from the Loneliness." He looked at me, a few tears in his eyes, as he gathered me in his arms "You'll never be alone Jon, so long as I live, and you let me love you. I will always be here to pick you up if you fall. To hold you when you hurt. To push you when you need it, and to help you feel love. I want to be the one to banish the loneliness from your heart, and replace it with love, pure and true." I smiled as a song danced in my head, and obviously his too, as we looked at each other. I started to sing in whispered tones. "I don't have a fancy car, to get to you I'd walk a thousand miles." He finished the set "I don't care, if he buys you nice things, does his gifts come from the heart. I don't know, but if you were my guy, I'd make it so we'd never be apart." We both grinned, as if we really were joined. We have this link, a way of reading each other. We're bonded in a way only lovers can be. True lovers, we can be in each others mind, and still be able to have our own independent thought. It was almost as if we were one, spiritually, mentally, and soon physically. I knew it was coming time for us to be together in every way possible. Having been the day before my Birthday, I had decided tomorrow night was going to be the night. "Brian, where do we go from here, we leave here tonight right?" He nodded and told me where we were going. "Were going to Orlando tonight, and tomorrow we have off, the whole day for me and you to spend, after we spend a part of it with the guys. They were all a bit upset that we didn't tell them about your Birthday. These things are important to us." I smiled. "I need to pack one more bag Brian, and I need to get some supplies." With that I dragged him to the stores I needed to go into. We stopped by Condom World, and I picked up a few things. He hadn't noticed as he was browsing and I hid the bag, as we continued going. I got assorted scented candles, and red and white candles. I got a few incents, and we were off to the hotel. We went to our room, and I finished putting all my stuff together and on the bus. It was about an hour before we left, so I kissed Brian, and went on the bus, so that no one would notice. ~~~~ Back in Kevin's Room All Day ~~~~ "So Nick, how come you never told me how you felt?" Nick looked at the ground "I was afraid you'd tell me to get away if I ever told you. I figured better to have you as a friend than nothing at all." Kevin smiled "Well then let's change that, going slow of coarse, but I have wanted to kiss you all day." Nick looked at Kevin. "What's stopping you?" With that they began a long day of kissing and talking. Sharing their dreams, their hopes, their fantasies, and sharing a lot or tongue. In their lives, they had never known that there was a love their, a love beyond brotherly love. "Kev, when can we tell the guys?" Kevin looked at Nick, a bit scarred "Soon Nick, I just want to start off without them making it harder on us. Soon we will tell them, I promise." With that they laid their fears to rest. As well as their heads as Nick fell asleep on Kevin's chest, and he asleep in Nick's arms. They laid there all day like that, in and out of sleep. Kevin got some much needed sleep, not being plagued by his nightmare. He assumed it was gone, but wasn't sure. All he could do was hope. ~~~~ Howie and A.J. ~~~~ Now A.J. had been dealt quite a blow when he was told he had no chance with me, and Howie knew this. He also knew from the moping the A.J was doing that this could lead to alcohol or worst if he didn't get his mind off things. "Hey A.J lets go out for the day, I still wanted to go do some more shopping with you." Now A.J. and Howie both knew that was a lie as Howie wasn't half the shop-o-holic A.J. was. They ended up taking in the sights and doing some shopping. They came back about an hour and a half before they had to leave, and grabbed a quick bite to eat. They had a good day, and A.J. seemed over me. He knew he could have just about anyone he wanted, and thus he decided to let it go. They had done a lot of talking just like back when the group first started, and they were already close. Howie seemed a bit on edge tho, because he was wondering how long the peace would hold.. ~~~~ Back On The Bus ~~~~ I looked at the clock, and hear loud screaming. So I knew it was time for the guys to come out. I saw what looked like 1000's of girls, the police keeping them back...barely. I noticed a few cops not really paying attention, and his barrier was breaking. The guys were having a good time, signing autographs, and posing for pictures but tried to get through still. The barrier broke, and the girls started to swarm the guys, but the cops couldn't do a thing about it. I saw what looked like Brian's shirt, and Nick's shirt next. I saw the guys pushing to get through but couldn't. I knew it was risky, but I couldn't sit there. I got off the bus, told the driver open the doors when he saw me. He nodded and I started pushing through the girls. I know I was going a bit ruff, but not enough to hurt anyone. I saw Nick first, the girls were ripping his clothes in every direction. His bare back had some scratches on it. I grabbed his arm tight as I could, it must have been too tight cause he winced. "Nick don't pull away its Jon, I'm getting you out of here." With that he grabbed on, and I started pulling him through the crowd. The driver saw me, I threw Nick in, and started after Kevin who was close to where Nick was. He was in a similar situation, one girl wrapped on his leg. The cops were pushing people away left and right but couldn't get control. I grabbed Kevin..and the girl and started dragging her. As I started to near the bus I felt arms grabbing at me, as they realized what I was doing. The driver opened the door, and let Kevin in. Well he opened up anyhow, I pushed Kevin in, and grabbed the girl on his leg as the driver closed the door. The crowd started to shove me back away from the bus, and away from the others. I groaned, cuts everywhere, and heard Brian scream. That was all the extra push I needed. My adrenaline was pumping, and I pushed thru the girls. I felt large gashes on my sides and back as I pushed thru, but I didn't care. I knew Brian needed help and he needed it now. I felt a powerful hand grab me, and a dark blue jacket grab me. I shrugged the cop off, and grabbed Brian's wrist. Feeling my hand he knew it was me, and he grasped my wrist. I pulled him thru and got him safely on the bus, as A.J. and Howie were finally starting to push thru, I gave them the added push they needed. With that I was grabbed from behind and tossed back. It must have been the cops, as the girls all strained to get past me. I was stepped on, kicked, and trampled as the bus pulled off. Brian started screaming "Stop the bus!" The guys had noticed I wasn't there, but the driver went on anyhow. All the girls tried following the bus, as it finally turned onto the highway. Taking the most important thing in my life away. After awhile I slowly got up, and the girls were controlled by the cops. I started stumbling to my car holding my ribs...which I knew were hurt bad, but didn't care, and my clothes were soaked in blood. But I knew I had to catch up with the bus. It was too important not to. An EMT tried to stop me, and said I needed to get to the hospital. I shrugged him off and got into my car. I started driving to their next location, feeling the pain in all of me. Knowing that when I caught the bus all would be fine. I pulled into a truck stop, and the bus was there..I barely noticed it. I pulled into the stop. I saw the guys all at a bench eating...close to the bus. They had a few bandages here and there, but nothing bad. I parked my car, and started to hobble over to them. The guys were too engulfed in their food to notice me. I put an arm on Brian's shoulder, and he jumped as if trying to swing me off him, he threw me. Normally I'd have been fine, but being in the condition I was in, I was to weak to fight him off. Him also in the condition he was in, the adrenaline was pumping, and I hit the ground and hit it hard and moaned. The guys all looked at the attacker, and Brian's face when ghost white. They saw all the cuts scratches, and the 2 gashes on my back which were bleeding deep red blood. From the looks they needed stitches. After hitting the ground I curled up holding my ribs, as my whole body started tingling. I knew this feeling, this was the feeling you get before you pass out. I also knew I lost a lot of blood and passing out could be lethal. I fought to keep awake, and slowly began to open my eyes. I felt Brian holding me. "Jon I am so sorry, I didn't mean it babe. Wake up Jon..wake up!" I started to stir, and screamed as I felt my ribs...and they didn't tickle. They all just looked at me. "Are you guy's OK?" I asked, tho I was weak and my voice showed it. They stared at me as if I was crazy. Kevin spoke up, Brian too emotional to say anything other than he was sorry, and I tried to reach up to him, but my ribs stopped that short, and the cuts didn't help. "Jon your not exactly in a position to ask us how we are, you need medical attention." I just shrugged it off, determined to be with Brian the next night. "I'll be fine Kevin....but are you guys OK?" Kevin knew I was going to keep it up so he answered "Nothing major, you got us out in time...barely. How did you find us?..never mind who cares your hear. Now what possessed you to do that and what happened to you?" "Kev, you know when I saw that barrier go down I had to help you guys. After I got Howie and A.J on the bus, I got thrown to the ground, by a cop I presume. And then the girls basically trampled me. I was a mat for them to step on. Other than a few cuts and my ribs I am OK." I looked to Brian, as if his touch could heal all wounds, and curled up in his lap. "I'm sorry I worried you guys, but I have one more request of you." They all looked at me as if to say what, and I looked at Brian. "I need to lay down, with some bandages on my cuts. My ribs are bruised not broken, I will be fine...but I need to lay down, and I am afraid after your body throw, I don't have the strength to get there alone." Brian just stared at me, and carried me into the bus. He sat me up on his bunk as he started to dress my cuts. He got some ice from the freezer, and taped it to my ribs. My hissing through my teeth, but he kept going, carefully. After that he helped me into his bunk and I fell asleep. He was watching me the whole time as I drifted off. Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 9 by Jon I slowly started to wake up, and felt a throbbing in my chest. I started to moan as I awoke, pain in every part of my body. The majority of it in my chest and the migraine that developed as I was sleeping. I saw Brian stir, so I knew he fell asleep, but I had no clue what time, or day it was at that moment, and I really didn't care, all I cared about was my whole body HURT! Brian began coming around realizing what was going on and kneeled beside me. "You OK Jon?" "Will my chest is throbbing, my back is on fire, and I know you don't mean it, but could you whisper, this migraine amplifies small noises to hurt." I whispered to him. He gladly obliged and whispered back "Anything I can get you babe?" "some aspirin and water would be nice." I said as I smiled ever so sweetly as Nick came slamming into the room, banging something or another. The sounds going thru my head like a spike as I held my ears, tears on my face from the pain. Nick looked at me, a bewildered look on his face. After I had figured the noise was done I whispered to him. "Migraine, small noises act like big ones. Hurts very much..and how long have I been asleep for?" Nick looked at me and smiled...then decided to give me a serious answer. "You've been out for a night and all day..It's about 10:00 PM now." I just gawked, knowing Brian sat by and watched me the whole time. I slowly got up..which wasn't too bright but I didn't care. I hobbled over to the bathroom and did my business, then towards the front to Brian. My voice still a whisper "Hey Bri, I'd grab your waist but I couldn't take the pain of being flipped again." I chuckled softly and stopped abruptly as my ribs reminded me they were still there and not to happy with me. I bent forward a bit from the pain, and the steadied myself, refusing to give into the pain, and wrapped my arms loosely around Brian's waist and hugged him. I grabbed the water and aspirin, Then dragged him with me. I gestured him into the bunk, after downing the pills I joined him and wrapped my arms around him. "Go to sleep Brian, I will be right here with you, I know how long you watched me, and I need a nap from this headache. Besides naps are more fun with two." With that I smiled and kissed the back of his head, and I could swear I felt him smile. It wasn't too long before we were both asleep in the bunk. It must have been hours later, the guys woke me up gingerly and woke Brian up as well. We climbed out of bed, it was pitch black out, and the bus had a single light on. Brian had a grin on his face as did the guys. Kevin started at me "Come on Jon, we know your sore. We have a surprise and a thanks for you. I walked out with them, staying close to Brian, in his arms as I saw a cake with some candle's on it. "Happy Birthday to you..." they all sang in unison, which brought a smile on my face. It looked like an ice cream cake, which was tradition in my family...not to mention it would feel good on the throat and soothe the ribs. "Well I hate to ask guys, but how did you set this up..." Then I stopped remembering I slept for a night and day. "Never mind.while I was sleeping." This got a small laugh from everyone but me, and when I didn't laugh they all stared at me. "OK Jon, we know it was cheesy joke, but no laugh?" A.J. said. "I learned my lesson earlier about laughing with my bruised ribs. I'd end up crying more than laughing...so I skipped it. I'll make up for it another time." After standing and eating the cake I was still really weak and sat, the headache, and dizziness setting in. The guys looked at me funny again. "Guys this normally follows a migraine, I'm OK. I have been thru worst, I need a few days to recuperate, and I will be good as new." We started to pull up to the hotel that was our new home for a few days. " Brian, I need to talk to you, its rather important." I said as he helped me off the bus. "Can it wait till we get to the room?" Brian answer. "Its better off discussed there alone." I said as we slowly made our way up. People gave me slanted stares as Brian helped me up, I knew I would be more or less confined to the room for the next few days. I laid down on the bed, and Brian softly laid next to me. "So what's wrong Jon?" I looked at him, my eyes were perfectly content as they fixated on him. I guess I was staring, but after a minute gained my composure. "Well you know I love you right?" He looked at me, his face went from care free to serious. "Yes and I love you dearly as well Jon." I continued "I had hoped to make love to you tonight, while we shopped in Boston I had gotten a few things for it. I hadn't planned on getting hurt..I'd gladly do it again, but I wanted you to know I was ready....but we have to wait a few days till I heal. Your not mad are you?" Brian's face went back to a happy, carefree look as he smiled at me. "I would have loved nothing more, and I understand your injuries need a bit of time. You got them saving me and the guys, for that we are grateful. It has never been that bad. Besides, you were in the bus, you put yourself in harms way for me." I just looked at him. "If e were on the Titanic, and there was only one seat left, I'd put you on that seat. I'd put myself in danger for you, and I am sure I will again. I love you to the point I could care less about myself as long as you are happy." Brian just smiled ear to ear and wrapped me up carefully in his arms "I love you Jon" "As I love you Brian." ....... TBC.or is it? Remember E-mail me. More e-mail means better stories. Tell me what you liked, didn't like. Tell me if you hated it and should scrap it and start over. More e-mail I get the quicker the next story will come out cause I will know what you want, Thanx for reading this is Jon, and have a wonderful day and/or night. Keep well, be safe, and Love your fellow Humans. Take what life gives you and do your best, and when someone belittles you, insults you, or tries to feel big by making you feel bad. Walk away. Be the bigger person. And when you succeed it drives them nuts cause try as they might, you're better, and you made something of yourself! Well I hope you liked this installment. The next one will come out in about a week or maybe sooner if I get emails. Have any idea's? I know where I see the story going, but where do you see it going? Where do you want to see it going? Nick and Kevin together, or find a reason not to? Well let me know what you think. This story is for you as much me, so let me know what you want to see. Other than that general comments good and bad are appreciate. Keep well everyone J - Jon