Disclaimer: the usual applies, I don't know them, I never have, likely never will. I don't know their sexuality and if they were gay... do you think I'd share?!? Anyhow, if you shouldn't be reading this... you will... don't get caught. If you like it, lemme know ShadedPhoenix@aol.com, if not lemme know why, same address.
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness Part 44 by Jon
The interviews were more of the same as far as things went. I mean it may not have been me answering, and they had been doing this for ages before I met them, but the questions never seemed to change. I could see one or two plated questions by the management about specific details of where things were going, and few questions directed towards Nick and how his solo career would affect the Back Street Boys in general. But other than that it was as ordinary as any other interview. After it was over, we all piled back into the limo, and went back to the hotel, Brian sticking in the limo after everyone had gone out said he had a few errands to run. Summoning up all the professionalism I had in me, I began to sit back into the limo. "It's ok Jon, I don't need a guard for this I am just doing some errands and getting a few things, no huge thing."I shrugged and headed back towards the hotel. Almost feeling brushed off... but maybe he like me just needed the space. Besides I knew a clear dismissal when I heard one.
Watching the limo pull off, I shook my head and turned around, and started contemplating what I was going to do for the next three days. Rehearsals were more or less free time for me, so I had what was left of today off, tomorrow, and then next day I had to be around for the sound checks and concert. Nick and Kevin looked over at me sympathy written on their faces, and I just shrugged. Kevin suggested a movie to me with him and Nick hoping Brian did indeed know what he was doing, and he wasn't just thinking about himself again. "That's alright Kev, I think I'll just go back to my room. Who knows my next great writing could be just minutes away, and I wouldn't want to be too drawn into a movie to get it done right? Besides I stole enough of you and Nick's time earlier, so you guys go do the movie thing, and have fun." With that I gave an attempt at a smile, which failed miserably, and then headed up before they could argue it with me, cause I knew Nick wouldn't honestly mind me being there, nor would Kevin, but I didn't want to encroach on their time together, it was short enough as it was.
I headed up to my room, waved to everyone as I headed in, and headed to the couch. I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to do, but I wasn't altogether sure I felt like staying in the hotel either. I debated writing on the balcony, and I debated going out for dinner later on that night as well and see some of the city. Lord knows I haven't explored it much yet. I shrugged that idea off too. I really was debating calling Kevin and Nick and hanging around with them today, but I didn't want to intrude onto their space more than I already had. By the time dinnertime had come, I still hadn't figured out what I wanted to do with the day as it went passing on by. When the phone rang it took me out of my reverie, I went over to answer it wondering who would be calling me. "Hello Jon's room." "Hey Jon it's Kevin, me and Nick were about to order dinner, and then do a movie and we we're wondering if you wanted to come join us?" I had to laugh. But since I had managed to do nothing all day I thought twice about turning them down. "Sure why not. You sure I'm not intruding on your time together Kev?" I could hear the smile in his voice as he answered and I knew something was up. "Positive. Just head over when your ready the door will be open." "OK Kev, see ya soon."
I was still wondering what was going on when I hopped out of the steaming shower, getting dressed for a casual dinner. I threw on some jean shorts, and a decent tee- shirt, and then walked down the hall to Kevin's room, seeing the door open, I walked in. Kevin and Nick were smiling like the cat who ate the cannery and I half wondered if I was interrupting, or if I was being left out the loop for something. I shrugged it off, playing with the little ring on my finger. It was the same ring I had from the hospital, Brian had one just like it, but they never had gotten inscribed. It was a simple band, with an eternity symbol on one end, and then two joined hearts on the other. I had my 2 necklaces on and my watch which was about the only jewelry I owned. To this day I still say it looked gaudy one me, even though they weren't special looking. I was just never into jewelry.
As I got into the room Kevin was ordering what sounded like enough food to feed an army. "Is this a whole group affair cause that sounds like enough food for everyone." Kevin shook his head at me. "No but the last part dessert is going to come up after the movie is over, I just wanted to put the order in so all I had to do was call down and have it delivered." I nodded, it seemed sensible. As dinner came and went, we were discussing general topics. The tour, how Nick's recording was going and the like. They had ordered a pay per view movie on the TV nothing to spectacular. But once it and dessert was over they both started yawning. "I think I'll excuse myself here so you two can get some rest." I smiled and waved. "Night Jon." They both said in unison. Which was kind of odd... they were thinking alike. If Nick got that bushy eyebrow thing going on, I was going to run and hide forever. In any case, I walked back to my room figuring I'd just get to bed myself and then make plans for tomorrow as things came.
As I walked into my room, I immediately knew something was off. I heard soft music playing; only I didn't put anything into the cd player to leave on when I came back. Flipping on my light expecting to have to fend something, or someone off, I saw Brian sitting at the table by the player waiting for me with a smile on his face. He was dressed in nice dressy shirt, red satin button up with a pair of Dockers on. The only thing spoiling the dress up game was a lack of shoes and sock, which matched me since I tried going without socks and shoes when I was trying to be comfortable. I noticed him starting to light a bunch of candles and even an incent. One of my favorites no less and I think he knew that. There were white rose petals on the bed, and a dozen white roses in a vase on the table. He held one in his hand, and approached me slowly handing me the rose when he was close enough and then embraced me in a hug. I could hear the whisper as he spoke so softly in my ear. "I'm sorry if I ever made you feel unwanted or pushed aside. You have been the most important thing in my life since you entered it, and remain so. Sometimes I am foolish and uncaring, and I am sorry. I wish I knew better words to say it sometimes. I'm also sorry I took you and what you've done, what you constantly do for me for granted. I know you had dinner already, I asked Kevin to get you out of your room so I could set this up otherwise I'd have had a candle lit dinner here as well. But I figured instead of that we could absorb the atmosphere and talk." He led me by one hand to the bed, and gently sat down; easing me down with him so we were sitting so close our legs were touching.
He pulled out a box with a bow on it. "Open it up Jon." He had the cutest smile on when he said this, so I went ahead and opened the box up which revealed two more boxes inside. The larger box had the number one on it, the little one the number two on it. So figuring that was a hint to open up the bigger box first. Opening it up, I saw a watch. A much more expensive watch than the rubber 5 dollar watch that I wore. I closed my eyes and shook my head. "Brian, when I said I wanted you to invest in me, I didn't mean like this. I don't like flashy things, they look gaudy on me. And I don't want you to try and buy me into your life Brian, I wanted you to show me I already had a place there that I had earned, and that you wanted me to be there as well." I handed him the box with the watch as well as the smaller unopened box back. I didn't even want to know what was in it, no doubt more jewelry though. "Jon I didn't buy it because it was expensive, truth be told it was on sale, and when I saw it, it looked like something you would like. It's just silver, durable, and nice. It reminded me of you when I saw it. Durable, nice, functional. Something that wasn't all glitter and gold. It wasn't what I went out to get, but it was what I saw when I was looking for what I wanted. You never read the back of it. This isn't an attempt to win you back, this was something I thought you could use, and would like. Please read the back of it." I picked the watch back up, and he was right, it was solid, and very serviceable. It was beautiful as it was simple. It was something I could see myself wearing and using daily, and yet fit in at a dressed up affair as well. And on the back I saw the symbol of infinity taking up half the back and smiled, then looked closer to see the writing. As I was reading it he too whispered what it said. "Of all the gifts you've given me, the thing I cherished most was the time you gave me." I smiled at him. Perhaps he had finally found the way to prove to me he wanted me around. And he did it with not the watch but the simple inscription he had placed on it. I looked over to him. "I don't know what to say Brian...thank-you." He motioned over to the other box. And I slowly opened it, it was a small box, likely a necklace to go with the watch, or a ring. I opened it up expecting something gold and glittery and gaudy. I was surprised when I saw a silver ring, worked in Celtic Knots, all around to the top, and at the top of the band where the knot work stopped was the sign of infinity (for reference its like a sideways 8) inside one of the circles was a ruby, my birthstone, the other his. He took it out the box, and slipped it onto my left ring finger. "This is what I went to find. Not specifically, I was looking for a ring, but when I saw this, I knew it was meant to be, and it was meant for you. For us. What I'm trying to say is, the only way I could find inside myself to prove to you I was invested into this relationship is to ask you something I've been trying to find the words for sometime now. I want you to be mine forever. I want to marry you. I want to know when I wake up in the morning's its going to be you I see first thing, because its you I look for first thing. I know when I go to sleep at night, you're the last thing on my mind, and I want you to be the last thing I see each night to send me off where ever it is one goes when they start to dream. Also I wanted to give you something to look at, something to feel, so when you need a hug, and I can't be there to give it to you, for whatever reason, you can feel this, and see this, and know I do love you. In case I don't say it when you need to know it, I'm saying it now, and this ring will keep on saying it each time you touch it. That there is only you for me in this life, and I want to see you through whatever the future holds. I want to be the one thing in your life that never leaves, that you can always turn to, and I want to know that when I face the ages of this life, I will be facing them with you. So in short, I'm asking you, will you marry me, will you share this life with me. Will you walk down the path of tomorrow knowing I love you more than my life itself, and will you walk down the paths of this lifetime with me, will you share forever with me?"
What do you say to a speech like that? To the man whose asking you to share the rest of his life. Did I dare say yes... Did I dare say no? I looked into his eyes looking for something, I wasn't even sure what. My mind was telling me he was being sincere, my instincts were saying he was honest, but I was looking for something in his eyes. A hesitation, some indication that this was something he was doing not because he wanted to but because he was afraid of losing me. Looking into his eyes I saw nothing except love, and hope. After a few minutes of my looking, his eyes took on a worried look and I could hear him about to talk... so I put my hand on his thigh and gave it a reassuring squeeze. He gave me a look of understanding, and I took a deep breath. "I'm not going to say no Brian." I could see the light in his eyes start to blaze when I said that. "I'm going to say not right away. We still have a lot we need to talk out. More if you add in the idea of getting married." I smiled at him. "So yes I will walk with you to eternity, but I want to wait a bit and not rush into a ceremony tomorrow. Or... two ceremonies, cause lord knows we both have different ways of handling religious things, and different things that are important in each one, and somehow I don't think we could honor both our traditions fairly and honestly in one ceremony. Plus we need to start thinking date, where as it's the beginning of august, invitations will need to go out to your family and friends. Telling your family and friends. Plans for where to have this, when to have this, who to tell, who not to tell. Are you planning on coming out before or after this, where things are going to go from there? Where are we going to live since we both have houses half way across the country from each other." He put a finger onto my lips effectively cutting me off. "We'll figure it all out Jon, I promise we will. This wasn't a decision I made over night, I had been thinking about it for sometime. And we can wait to work out the logistics of it all for now. I'm content to know that you're accepting my proposal. You are accepting right?" I nodded my head to him and smiled, an honest to goodness full smile. "That's the smile I've been missing this week. I can't see how you can't tell the difference, we all sure can."
"Do Kevin and Nick know, or were they just distracting me for you because you told them you wanted a romantic dinner?" He shook his head "Nope, I can keep secrets even from my best friend and cousin when I want to." He started to chuckle because out of all of them, Brian would be the last one I would think could keep a secret. Especially from Nick or Kevin. My body was tingling. I asked him to invest in me, and show me he cared, I couldn't ask for him to come forth with something to state how he felt better than that. So I smiled at him. "What happens now?" "I think now we get either my stuff in here, or your stuff into my room, because my bed has been awful empty without you in it to keep me warm and safe at night. Before that though, I'd like to just sit here with you, listen to the music, and just enjoy the atmosphere, and maybe get a dance from you. I don't think in all the time I've known you we've ever shared a dance." I shook my head agreeing we had never had a dance together. "Yup, that would be because I can barely dance. I can't dance at all to fast music, but this slow music I am sure I can dance to. I went to enough weddings as a kid it should come back to me." He stood up from the bed, and offered me his hand as he bowed like an old fashioned gentleman. Taking his hand, as I got up I smiled to Brian. Putting one hand on his waist, the other hand I interlinked with his, fingers interlocking with his fingers as we slow danced to the music that was playing. Closing my eyes, I let the beat of the music enter me, swaying with it letting my body move of its own accord. Not thinking for once, just feeling. Letting the music, and Brian guide me to where they would. There was no need to analyze this, no need to think about it. The only things that existed were me, Brian, the music, and the room. Eventually I was wondering if even the room existed as I felt like I was floating on the air itself.
I remember seeing the first rays of light coming in through the balcony at some point when I opened my eyes. I could have sworn we had only danced to 2 songs, but apparently we had been dancing for hours, without even music. Just the rhythm of our hearts to guide us. Seeing the daylight breaking through, I guided Brian to the balcony, and into a chair, me sitting next to him so we could watch the rest of the sunrise. I always did love watching the sunrise and sunset. Somehow it was when I felt most at peace, and most in awe of the world. Knowing things were waking up with the sun, and going to bed with it, and some things waking up with the moon, and also going to bed with it. Seeing the coming of the god in the sunrise, and his going in the sunset. The coming of the goddess as the moonrises, and her leaving with the sunset. Welcoming and fare welling each at the appropriate times. "It's a new day and no mistakes yet." I smiled remembering when I had first heard that said to me. Brian just looked over at me. "It's a new day hun, and no mistakes, no broken promises yet. We all get the new day, and its up to us to make it a good one." I left off the kindred spirit part cause I wasn't sure he'd grasp it, or want to grasp it. "And where did that come from?" I just smiled up to him. "Some good advice I was told by a very beautiful bag woman a long time ago. During one of my many walks. One you seemed so sure I was never coming back from. I also remember that day when I came to your bunk, and asked if there was room for two you said yes if Jon was here, but he wasn't so no and leave you alone. Ironic no? Considering you were telling me I wasn't there." He raised his brow. "Ironic is one word for it I suppose. We really have had an odd time of it all haven't we?" I nodded. "Likely cause were not "normal" and so the "normal" rules apply less to us. I know I personally gave up normalcy ages ago and have no intention of going back to it. I will say this though, I've had more than enough of hospitals if they can be avoided in the future." "Yeah I second that motion and hereby carry it. Hospital trips that are avoidable are hereby to be avoided." Brian always being the funny man even slapped his hand down like a gavel. "You've run into some interesting people Jon. I'll never understand how you meet these people in the middle of nowhere. I mean you go on an all night walk and meet a bag lady with inspiration. You've met people in so many different places, and the odds of you meeting them were so slim. Chance meetings left and right. I'll never understand it." "Brian think of it this way, you can call them chance meetings, you can label it fate, you can say they were put into my path for a reason. Some might even say it was the goddess taking a mortal form to talk to me. No matter how you slice it, I've learned from them. I've learned to trust things that are totally random. Like tonight, if I had ever suspected you would be here tonight, and proposing to me no less, I can't say with a clear conscious I would have left Nick and Kevin's room when I did. Part of the reason I trust this so much is it's randomness." "Well whatever the reason that you trusted it, and accepted, I don't care. Because you accepted. I thought you might turn me down at first, but I was hoping with everything in me you wouldn't. You were staring into my eyes for so long I wasn't sure if you were trying to find some way to tell me no and make it not sound so hurtful, or if you were looking through me for something." At this I had to smile. "I was looking for something and its what I didn't find that made all the difference. I was looking for doubt, hesitation; something to tell me it wasn't what you truly wanted. I was looking to make sure you weren't doing this for complacency, or out of a fear of losing me. All I wanted the other day when I said show me you loved me, was for you to show me. The candles, soft music, tonight minus the proposal would have done it." He gave me a blank look. "Really is it too late to take the proposal back?" Now if he hadn't stuck his tongue out at me, and his face broke into laughter, I wouldn't have been sure if he was kidding or not. "Do you want to take it back?" All he did was shake his head no, and proceed to kiss me. One of those kisses where everything becomes a blur. The only thing you can see is his face, the only thing you can feel are his lips. When the whole world seems to just go away, and time seems to stop, yet speed up all at once. It was a mind numbing experience that everyone should have at least 3 times a day.
Sitting in the coolness of the morning, the sun havening finished coming up, I knew it was just a matter of time before the phone rang to interrupt our time alone together. It was through no fault of his, there were just things we needed to do. He of coarse had rehearsals today and technically I had nothing specifically that I had to do. But I knew we had group breakfast coming up soon. "When the phone rings, do you think we'll get away with not answering it?" Brian shook his head. "They'd likely bang on my door when I didn't answer and wasn't in there, they'd come to bang on yours. Eventually they'd find a way in." My face sunk a little; I guess trying to keep Brian to myself even if just for a night or two was a bit too much to ask. Some days I wondered what it would be like dating a man who worked a normal 9-5 schedule and had sick days. But may as well ask pigs to fly, or something else as unlike because Brian was doing what he loved and worked hard to get here. And considering I was wearing his ring, which meant this was it for me. If he and I didn't work out for some reason, when I said I do, that was the one time I will say it. "What's wrong hun?" I had to smile at him; he was reading my face again. He was getting pretty good at that. "I was just thinking what it would be like to be with someone who worked 9-5, 5 days a week with sick days. But no, I'm not saying you should quit, because I know this is your dream, and who knows what will come after, or where my dreams may lead us in the future. I was just thinking we don't have very much time to ourselves. I love the guys, but sometimes I wish it were just you and me." He nodded. "yeah I've daydreamed about it too. Living in a house that stays in one place, doing the lawn, gardening, painting." I smiled. "Yeah doing the meditation room was a blast, even if I only got to do it 1 week at a time." I playfully glared at Brian as if it as his fault I was only home for a week every so often. Not to mention anyone was allowed into that room while I was painting it. It was something I wanted to do for myself by myself. Then again no one was really allowed in there now that it was done either. I mean it wasn't a banning thing. It was just my space. They were more than welcome to use it, or come see it. But it was one room in the house that was all me and only me in it. Unless they wanted to be part of something I was doing, be it ritual, or just watching me do a ritual they were welcome as long as they realized certain things were to be followed, and certain protocols to be followed in that room. He slapped my shoulder lightly. "Hey now, you could be living there and working a 9-5 job if you wanted to be. I'm not dragging you across the country, you choose this gig to be closer to me." He had on that cute puppy dog face that you couldn't get mad at. Well ok I could get mad at, but this time it was too cute. "Careful, lest you be sleeping in your room alone again Miss Thang!" He started giggling. Perhaps he thought he was being too cute. I just shook my head at him.
"I think we should get ready to go Bri, I'm sure someone's going to come knocking on our door any minute now." He nodded his agreement, and came in for one last lingering kiss. As we were kissing we didn't hear anyone knock... which was surprising, but we also missed the door opening, and then were separated rather rudely by 2 sets of arms. One being Nick's and one being Kevin's. Kevin was lucky I was in a good mood because that's a good way to lose an arm or two. I wonder if the fans would lynch me for taking off one of Kevin's arms. I mean he can sing and dance minus one arm right? Nick's whining voice came through my thoughts. "Come on guys, I'm hungry and I wanna eat." I stuck my tongue out at him. You'd think he hadn't eaten in a week. "Ok Ok lets go. You killed the moment, were dressed, lets go." Kevin and Nick noticed we were a bit overdressed for breakfast. "Well yeah your dressed, a little over dressed for breakfast no?" I looked at Kevin. "Well it was what I wore for dinner we haven't gone to sleep yet. Now shall we?"
We all headed into the main room and started to eat. I was sitting close to Brian, which considering the last few days got me odd looks from everyone save Nick and Kevin and Brian. Gracie just gave me a look as if to ask if things were all right. I nodded my affirmation, and she went back to eating. As I was picking up the eggs with the fork, Gracie looked on my hand. "New ring Jon? I don't remember seeing that one before. It looks really neat. Can I see it?" I passed my hand over the table smiling. She knew all my jewelry cause let's face it, I wore all I owned, and it was very little. As she was looking at it in awe, she realized what hand it was on and gasped. "Hey! You got this on the wrong finger Jon." Gwen was looking at the ring too when I answered Gracie. "Why I think it looks kind of good on that finger don't you?" Gwen looked up at me. "Yeah it looks good there, but maybe you should put it on the other hand. On that hand and finger, it looks like your getting married or something." Kevin and Nick dropped their forks their mouths hanging open. Realization had obviously just dawned on those two. "Well for the clueless, I am aware of that fact. And it looks like it should. I am getting married." I smiled at Gwen and Gracie, who were now doing a rather good imitation of a fish, their mouths opening and closing as they were trying to form a thought or a word. AJ and Howie came over to take a look at the ring. AJ lifting me out the chair in a hug. For such a little guy he had some strength to him. "Congrats you two." He smiled swinging me around, then Howie came in for the more subtle approach, and just gave me a normal hug, and congratulated me and Brian. AJ giving Brian much the same treatment I got. I was shocked he had proposed, I wasn't exactly all that.
Kevin could always be counted on to be the business one. "Ok guys off to rehearsals, is it safe to assume your joining us with Gracie and Gwen Jon?" I shook my head no, and watched Brian's face drop a bit. "I have a few errands I wanna do today Kevin, maybe see if I can find a decent new age store and get some supplies. If e were in Mass, or in a non-moving environment for a week, I could order online, get a great price and fabu selection, but since we're neither, I need to get things as I can. Though Brian I wanna have a talk with you tonight so if you wouldn't mind not doing the club thing after rehearsals it would be appreciated." Howie just "ohhhhhhhed" at Brian, and AJ being AJ had to pipe in. "I'm sure its talking he wants to do." Which earned him a rather nice painful punch in the arm from me with a narrowed eyed look. He rubbed his arm and complained about a bruise, and I just leveled my eyes at him, making it clear I would not now, nor likely ever put up with that phrasing. Joking or not. Ok, maybe not ever... but for the time being, sex insinuations were a "no no", and I was making sure he got that emphatically.
I smiled watching the guys and girls head off into the limos to the hall where the guys were performing later that night. I was a bit sad to leave Brian knowing he was hoping I'd join them today at rehearsals but I figured if I showed up and surprised him later it would be worth it, I too had some things I wanted to get done. I made a phone call to a friend back in Mass. Well not a friend of mine, but a family friend. He was a jeweler and long ago I had a piece commissioned, which I let him keep there on display till I needed it. It was an incredible piece, and I had long ago paid it off, and so I had him send it through the over night delivery to me. I gave him my credit card info to pay for the shipping, and then hung up smiling. I knew it was the perfect time, and he'd since made several pieces that were similar, but the piece he was sending me was a 1 of a kind. I made sure it had the right stone setting, which he agreed to swap out for no extra charge since the stone originally in it was a bit more expensive and he said I'd have it by 11am tomorrow morning. Then I called the front desk saying I was expecting a package tomorrow early afternoon, and that I would go down to pick it up, no need to call saying I had received a package. They agreed and then I was off in the rental car to go about and get some of my errands done. I went through the city, a bit disappointed they had no real new-age stores in the city itself, nor in the state. But I found some random stores, and between them found some of the candles, incents, and other little things I needed. Lets face it, when you needed certain items; there were only certain places to get them. I made a mental note that the first new-age store I found on our travels, I would go in and get the things I needed, and if nothing came in a few weeks, I'd order online and have it shipped to my home where my friend and neighbor would put it inside with my other piles of mail.
After getting back to the hotel, putting things away it was about lunch time, so I headed off to the hall to see everyone there and sit down with them for lunch and maybe sit and chat for a bit. I never understood how the girls could go to all the rehearsals, all the concerts, and never tire of them. But that's their thing I suppose. Idly I wondered how much they were watching and how much they were distracting.
And there is the end of yet another chapter. And quick to huh, I'd like to thank those who have emailed me, its kinda nice to know someones been reading this, not to mention someone since when the story first started some 4 odd years ago.