Disclaimer: the usual applies, I don't know them, I never have, likely never will. I don't know their sexuality and if they were gay... do you think I'd share?!? Anyhow, if you shouldn't be reading this... you will... don't get caught. If you like it, lemme know ShadedPhoenix@aol.com, if not lemme know why, same address.
Forever... that's how long it's been since I picked this up. There's been far too many excuses to be given, far too many things have happened. So I guess the only thing I can say is... here is the next chapter. Enjoy.
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness Part 39 by Jon
It's been over a year and a half since that last night in Brian's room. A wonderful year and a half. We all stopped hiding things we thought the others could never, or would never understand. And in this time, I managed to let a little more of my past out. Not the whole thing, but enough as it is. One tour has come and gone, and a second is in full swing. I guess the oddest of all the revelations, for me anyhow, was when Gracie, and Howie broke up... and a month later, AJ and Gwen broke up. Only that was just the beginning. Gray and AJ got together, and Gwen and Howie got together. Twists of fate. I think so. I guess its weird how things turn out, but then again, they seem to work out how they were meant to be.
2 cd's have come and gone by now. A greatest hits album, which included Seven Sea's of Loneliness... tho somehow I think that was just for my benefit. And the Black and Blue album, which the name seems to strike me every time I see it. Their sales have been doing amazing, and their recordings for the next album have been... relaxed. No rushing around for this one. Well ok, Nick and Kevin have been... but that's mainly because aside from this recording, Nick was doing a solo album, and Kevin wasn't to be found too far away from Nick, at every chance possible.
As for Brian and myself, things have been... amazing. We've spent time with his family, a lot of time actually. It's been nice to celebrate holidays with people again. None of them even make mention, or make comments anymore when I tell them I am going to do a ritual, or celebrate a holiday they have never heard of... much less could pronounce. In fact they even joined in a few of them. Well ok, they watched. But that's more than I could have ever asked of anyone. Brian seemed to be reading up more and more on Wicca. I know he will never give up his practices for mine, but I think its cute he wants to know more about the things that have my life encompassed. Besides he has seen first hand, that its not all hocus pocus. We've shared wonderful nights together, and better mornings, waking up in each other's arms. He's backed off the sex thing, and I have loosened up to it. Which of coarse, get me called a woman cause I changed my mind again. Go figure. No we haven't had sex yet, but the touchy gropy things have their merits.
We've done all the cheesy things people in love do too. Long nights in the park. Staying up all night, to see a sun set, get lost talking, and see the sun rise too. Horse riding, picnics, all sorts of under rated things. He's also cultured me a bit, as I have of him. He got me into the country music thing, I got him into the wizards and warriors books thing. And dungeons and dragons (after convincing him it wasn't the devils book!) Actually I kinda got all the guys into it, giving us all something to do on the tour bus when its all day trips. I still can't believe all the time we spend on the bus. I was re-hired again as a body guard... with a lot of Liberalness with my time. I worked when I wanted to for the most part... and since I was rarely away from Brian, I was considered working more than I was. I still do the alone time thing too... more than anyone likes. But they have learned in the time with me, its something that's not going to change any time soon. I bought a nice house out in Minnesota from a good friend. She said when I could afford it. It's out in the mountains, very secluded. I even got to make the meditation room of my dreams. 3 walls are midnight blue, with gold patterns of Celtic suns, moons, and stars all over it. The fourth wall, I painted a mural, which was NOT easy, of a huge phoenix in the skies, with a nice waterfall, and lake beneath it. And fairies playing all around. Cheesy, but I love it. There are 5 bedrooms, tho I doubt they will all ever be used. The master bedroom even has a Jacuzzi. That's getting a lot of use.
Back to the tour tho. Its been slow paced. Ok, slow paced compared to the other tours. This tour is just to keep them in the light a bit more than on a vacation. Nick's CD due out in just a few months, they wanted people to see the Backstreet Boys together, so they wouldn't think the group was breaking up. I still haven't digested everything that's happened. I still remember the days when I was working at the factory, and never dreamed of more. Now I have seen parts of the world I might never have seen otherwise. I still can't wait to see Stonehenge. Now that it's been re-opened to the public, and there was a HUGE celebration there last year for Beltane. Who'd have guessed there were that many druids and witched to gather in one place, in unison. It was beautiful from the pictures I saw, I only wished I could have gotten out there to see it.
My writing has taken a somewhat more serious toll too. I've managed to get alot of poetry written, some light, some heavy, and some so heavy who needs an anvil. I know the guys are dying to read it. Still, I revise some... and I am putting a book together, so they don't get to see it just yet. I was always told not to show too much of a book before its time is due. So here I sit, lost in thought on the bus. Just remembering times past. I've actually learned how to smile, without faking it. I don't notice a difference, but they do.
"What's going on Jon?" I hear Brian's tired voice call, as he snakes his arms around my waist. "Nada, what have you been doing? Besides making a slave of videogames?" I quirked a smile at him. He knew I didn't mind really, but I liked playing with him. "Well I finally found a game Nick sucks at, and I am really good at..." I took this as a good time to quite him with a kiss. Otherwise I'd have never heard the end of it. And I could hear Nick coming too dispute what he just heard Brian said. "You beat me cause Kevin was distracting... oh... sorry, didn't mean to intrude." I broke the kiss... Brian standing there stunned. "Yes you did Nick, you're into Voyeurism. You were just looking for a show." I smiled at him, with that 'you got busted' smile. "Yeah cheap show no less." Nick retorted. "I am NOT a cheap show. Its going to cost you 100 dollars for that peek. And 100 dollars more a minute for anything more physical." I quipped back. "OK so it's going to cost me 100 dollars a minute to get more physical with you Jon... lemme get the credit card!" Brian said as enthusiastically as ever. "Um, Brian dear" I said in a sickly sweet voice "Its 100 a minute to watch. SO if you want to watch me get physical, visa and mastercard, no American express... and then I will grab Kevin so you can watch." Nick looked ready to die laughing... and Brian looked... shocked. "Now if you're looking for me to get physical with YOU, I see wine, and a nice dinner in my future." With that I winked at him, and walked off whispering to Nick "and I can take you at any game on that system, anytime." He just shook his head, and I could hear the wheels in Brian's head spinning.
As I walked up to the head of the bus, I saw Kevin sitting with Howie, going over some paperwork, which they put down seeing me take a seat. "Jon just the excuse we needed." They both said in unison, and looking over shocked at the other. They were only still going over stuff, cause they figured the other guy was still wanting to. "Well glad I made someone's day." I chuckled, and they smiled with me. "So what's going on... what's with all the paperwork?" The both shrugged at me, and Kevin answered. "Just trying to make a schedule, that we can deal with, give Nick time to tour, and do promotions on his CD, and still have some time off for all concerned." I nodded. "So basically your working his schedule, and yours Kevin, so you have time to see him, cause you know if you didn't he'd leave it all in the air, and double book time?" Kevin just nodded, and smiled. I'd learned a few things. Gwen took this as a good time to call Howie from the 'Women only' bus, since this bus was kind of crowded. But seeing as I was one of the girls, I managed time on both buses when I saw necessary. Who could say no to my winning smile, and warming charm. OK and the chocolate I bring with me.
"As the phone tolls, I am betting its one of the girls." Howie smiled and nodded as he walked away for some privacy. "well Kev, it's just us, Brian's brain is grinding with thought... I can hear it up here, and no doubt, Nick is helping him. So what would you like to do? And if you say read, I may smack the white off your teeth!" Ok so it was a mildly threatening proposal, and he WAS grabbing a book. "Movie?" was his reply. "Which one?" I was considering... we had the popcorn maker. "Anne of Green Gables, then Anne of Avonle?" I looked up shocked. "You actually HAVE those... ok I'm game. Wait you HAVE those?" I was shocked, to say the least. Kevin nodded. "It came in my Fag Survival Kit." His face broke, and he was chuckling. I was dumbfounded. But we popped the first movie in, and Brian sat between my legs.
"So Jon, is this the first part of date of wining and dining?" Brian popped in. "Ask Kevin. It was his movie choice. He can wine me and dine me. Then we can hop in the sack, and you can borrow Nick for the night." I tried to keep a straight face, I really did. But the look on Brian's face was too much. Then I saw Kevin's face, and I lost it. He looked... stunned, then considering, then stunned, and shocked all over again. So I sat on his lap "Whatcha think lover?" I batted my eyelashes over-dramatically for effect. "I think, 'lover' that if your in my boyfriends lap much longer, he's sleeping on that couch instead of my bed tonight." Nick's voice clamored in with mock anger. Kevin looked at me, then Nick, as if weighing his choices. Then promptly deposited me on my side of the couch so nick could sit in his lap. "Well that took time... and thought." I put my mock Erkel voice from family matters. "I'm wearing you down baby. I'm wearing you down!" Tho I didn't snort... I couldn't and wouldn't try.
We all just dissolved into laughter, and then curled up into our respective boyfriends on different couches and finished the first movie, and started the next. Grant you they were 3 hour movies, and we all ended up sleeping on the couches. I felt the bus stopping, and opened 1 eye... just in time to see a flash. "Gods DAMN IT! What's with the bright lights and flashed." The light hurt. I saw AJ grinning like mad, as he kept flashing, while people were waking up. "Ohhhhh these will make good blackmail!" he said as he darted off. Brian looked up at me, sleep still in his voice and eyes. "What's with the yelling. Oye!" I smiled, and told them what I woke up to. Then saw the blushed on Nick and Kevin's face. They weren't sleeping... they were humping. "Well I know who they are blackmail pictures for now." If their cheeks were red before, they were crimson now.
Nick and Kevin made a decent show of trying to cover up as Brian and I capitalized on their naked rears with cat calls and rude comments, causing both sets of cheeks on each of them to blush. As they covered up, I tossed them their discarded clothes, allowing them to at least look decent in appearance since they were already busted. I also noticed Brian was a little excited, so I nudged him gently and when he saw where I was looking, he started furiously blushing too. Luckily Nick and Kevin were too busy to notice.
"So should I grab my cards and see what happened to the wine, dinner and movie Brian... or did I ask to much already?" I just raised a brow to make it look like he better answer right or he'd be on the couch tonight too. Brian caught the look and smiled. "Soon enough, you'll just have to wait and see." I just shook my head smiling. Least he caught the look I gave him. So we ended up rewinding the movie and finishing it.. this time making the attempt to stay awake. Nick of coarse taking the time to threaten AJ much bodily harm, and Kevin telling AJ he'd have those pictures by days end or AJ wouldn't see a day off in the next 2 years. Between them they managed to coax the pictures out of AJ, but I was more than sure AJ managed to keep one or two hidden.
"Well that movie was.... Long" Brian said as he yawned and stretched. Nick nodded in agreement. "Hey Kev you got the third one... I could see making this into a marathon of all" Brian covered my mouth as I was finishing that obviously having had enough of the 'Fag Survival Kit' for one night. So I started to lick at his hand, and nibble lightly as Brian withdrew the offending appendage from my mouth with a fire in his eyes. I could tell what he wanted, and smiled nodding to him. "OK I think were retiring for the night. Try to come up for air once in awhile you two." I smiled waving, getting the obligatory finger from nick and Kevin as I grabbed Brian's arm and led him into our bunk. As immediately as the curtain was shut, his hands were roaming. He knew how far the boundaries were, but he definitely pushed as far as I was willing to go. Taking off my shirt, and licking and nibbling as his mouth couldn't get enough of the flesh. Once he had me to my boxer briefs, I turned the tables. "I do believe you're a bit over dressed." So I snaked my hand underneath his shirt, and gently pinched and rolled his right nipple, as my other hand went up his back to get his shirt off, and just felt those muscles. So defined, yet so hidden in his normal clothes. His arms were solid, if not completely chiseled, and he had the cutest little stomach. We were both just roaming, and exploring. Then his hand kept sinking lower, and lower, till he grabbed the fabric-covered package. I could see the lust in his eyes, and the hunger there. I had to admit, I had been feeling it a lot of late as well. Slowly he started to lower my boxer briefs, looking up to see if I would protest or not. I gave him a small nod, and his fingers started to glide gently over the skin. I maneuvered a bit in the bunk as well, using my hands to go under his boxers and massage his very nice cheeks.
Then I felt a wet moisture around my firm cock, and a small moan escape my lips unbidden. I took in the scent of Brian at the same time. A musky smell, mixed with something else I could only describe as Brian. My fingers glided over his ass, massaging as they went, and I stuck my tongue out. I licked the small drop of precum at the head of his very engorged head, and heard him gasp. Then moved one hand from his ass, as played gently with his low hanging, almost hairless balls, while I impaled myself on him. Slowly inch-by-inch letting it all in. As his pace started to get faster, so had mine. Matching him as best I could. I heard a loud semi-muffled groan come out of his mouth just before my mouth was suddenly filled with his hot and thick fluid. Like a stick of dynamite exploding a salty yet sweet mix. It tasted odd at first... but it was a taste that was like his scent.... his alone. Just as Brian had finished his climax, and caught a breath he had gone right back where he was. I looked at him... his eyes were locked on his target... and I couldn't tell what he was doing, but a hand came around massaging my balls, and twisting of his head, like a tiger attacking a bloodied steak. Grabbing the sheets with white knuckles, I tried to hold off and enjoy the feeling, but it was all I could do not to scream.
All too soon, a deafening scream penetrated my throat. I felt like I was having a seizure, and an explosion was going off on my midsection at the same time. The screams kept coming, like I was being beaten... but with a hint of lust, and ecstasy. It took quite some time for my body to stop shaking. I turned over in the bunk, head facing Brian, sweat matting both of our hair. And I kissed him. Full out, forceful kiss. Urgent. I needed to know he wouldn't run away now. I could feel old fears bubbling up to the surface. I grabbed him in a bear hug and held him. Shaking... to afraid to let him go yet. I could feel a few tears work out my eyes as I shook. Brian just made shushing noises as he held me. Whispering that he wasn't going anywhere, that he was right there and wouldn't leave. I wrapped my legs around his, entangling as much of myself around him as I could. "Just stay please... don't leave." I couldn't believe I did that. I let the urges I had till now pushed away get to me. His eyes looked into mine. He must have seen the fear in them... the withdrawing look. His blue eyes were like a pool, calming, and drawing me in.
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness Part 40 by Jon
Just as I was calming down... and the tears stopped running, I heard a whisper in my ear. "I love you Jon, and there's no where else I want to be than where I am now." I brushed a few stray hairs off his face, and tried to smile. Just then I felt a really cold draft of air hit my face, and Goosebumps on Brian's back. Then I saw 4 faces, ranging from worry, to embracement, to shock. "Ummm, I think we now have an audience Brian." He turned over, greeted by a bunch of 'ewws' and 'cover Brian Jr. up before I gag' as he did, Brian having forgotten we were naked. I had a blush that I was sure reached my feet at that moment, and I reached down for a cover. Blinking furiously trying to figure out what was going on. "Not that I'm not glad to see everyone... but... ah... why is everyone staring like that?" ok so I shifted subjects in mid sentence. Brian just chuckled. He managed to chuckle, and here I was completely horrified. So I pinched him on the ass causing him to yelp. Yup that would teach him to laugh when I was in complete mortification. He looked over at me with the 'what was that for' innocence that I smirked at. The other guys started making excuses of where they had to be after a quick apology of ruining a moment or whatever. Kevin explained they all heard the screams, and came back thinking someone had died.
Somehow I knew we wouldn't hear the end of that for many years to come, but that was ok. I just nodded to them, assured everyone I was alright, and closed the curtain. Brian turned around, and I could feel his hardness against my leg. Maybe the pinch had excited him? "Can you just hold me Brian? I'd just like to fall asleep and let everything seep in." He nodded as I slowly drifted off in his arms, and he in mine. It was very warm and cozy.
Waking up the next morning, I felt around the bunk. He was missing. I got out of the bunk... realized I was wearing nothing. Blushed to myself, luckily no one was there to see me, and threw on some shorts, and walked out to the main room of the bus. There Brian was, with Nick, on the videogames. I could have killed him. I gave him the best or worst Daggers in the eyes stare I had ever managed. I was fuming, and he didn't even notice me. I'm betting he would notice when he smelt food. So I decided to be evil, and turned on the mini stove, put some butter in the pan, and let it melt. Scrambled some eggs up, and got the ham and other fixings cut up, and started making a massive greasy omelet. Loading on the cheese. Just as I was finishing, and the smell wafted into the other room, I heard the game pause, and Brian came in as I started eating. "Smells good. Is there enough for 2?" Brian said. He sounded happy. I didn't even look up. "There might be... but I'm hungry enough for it all. But thanks for asking." In the coldest voice I could manage and took another bite, with the cheese all stringy and gooey just like I liked it. And he did too.
Brian sat across the table and looked at me. "Jon would you please look at me?" So I looked up, and Brian's face flinched back. It wasn't an evil look. Just my normal, neutral, guarded look. He obviously saw something the night before... like an opening in my eyes, and could see the difference. "Yes?" I said to him. Simple... but I saw him flinch again. His eyes got watery. Maybe I had gone a bit far. I still felt abandoned though. "What's wrong Jon? Your talking but you feel... cold." I just looked at him and shrugged. "Maybe its from waking up in a bed alone. I thought you would have figured out, that I needed you there this morning. Was that game with Nick more important than being with me? More important than at least waking me up and letting me know you would be gone? I knew. Some how I just knew it would be no different with you than everyone else. Next you'll get silent around me... then avoid me. Then ask me to go. It's ok. This is my fault; I should have stopped it when I could. I'll manage, I always have. I'll grab a bunk on the other bus later today. Wouldn't want you feeling alienated on your own bus. Besides, there isn't much room to hide here exactly. I will clean up after I eat, and at the next stop I'll switch over. No biggie." Realization had just jumped onto Brian's face, like he was just slapped, and realized it. "Oh Jon, I'm sorry. No the game wasn't important. I went to the bathroom, and Nick invited me in. Kevin was going over the papers, and you were sound asleep, and peaceful. I didn't want to wake you. If I had realized it meant so much to you that I been there this morning..." I just gave him a colder look than before.
"Brian it really is OK. Last night obviously meant more to me than you. And I accept that. I thought you would have understood what it meant to me last night when I asked you to stay. I thought you recognized the fear there. I was wrong to assume that, and to think it meant more. Like I said, I'm hurt, but not mad. I will deal. I always do." A few tears had fallen down his cheeks by this point, and I shook my head and resumed my eating. I couldn't look at him and risk crying. I held it together this long. Just a bit longer. "Jon you know that's not true! Last night meant a lot to me. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I really am." He came around to my side of the table... and hugged me. I just let him. I know I was rigid. I couldn't let him in any further, it would be that much harder to pull away if I did. "Just tell me why Brian. Why did you say you loved me? You didn't have to. It would have been easier to pull away if you hadn't. So why." Nick stopped coming into the Kitchen, and turned around back into the room, herding Kevin AJ and howie in there shaking his head as he did. Brian opened his mouth as if to talk, and yet nothing had come out. So I resumed eating again.
I guess I honestly didn't expect an answer there. Then he turned me around, making me look him straight in the eyes. "I said I loved you because I meant it. And I still do. I should have been there. And I wasn't. I'm sorry Jon. I made a mistake, and I was thoughtless. I don't want you gone. I want you happy. These past months, seeing your real smile. Your eyes lightning up. It's been Heaven. We still have the best days ahead. I know sometimes I don't think the way you do. And I know sometimes it seems like I was being careless... I truly wasn't intending to hurt you. Please forgive me?" I looked at him... he looked sincere... but I was still angry. I kissed his forehead. "I'll try, and I'll stay. But I don't know that I will forgive you yet... and I know I don't plan on having a repeat of last night anytime soon. I don't know what I feel, I just need some space." With that, he got up, letting me out, I cleaned up and walked through the main room, everyone jumped like they weren't listening, took one look at me, and made no attempt to follow me into the back room couch where I pulled a book out, and curled into a pillow hugging it tight. Brian slowly made the same trip.... Looked at all the guys, then the door, then the guys, then marched to the door, opening it, looking determined.
"No Jon, not this time. Your not running away from this and closing me out again. I don't go from hot to cold. Were talking this out before it gets worst." I shook my head. "I'll be fine Brian, I need space. Please." He nodded. "I'll give you space, if you promise to come talk to me when your done thinking." I nodded, I couldn't fight logic... could I? He smiled... and I smiled. Somehow he was starting to get it. Maybe he would learn yet. Brian walked out, closed the door. Took a deep breathe and then sat on the floor with his back on the couch. He didn't say a word, or pick a game up... he just looked through the TV and nodded to himself. He knew something changed when he went there. He finally realized sometimes space was the best he could give. For once, he knew Jon wasn't going to bolt after a small fight.
TBC... OH MY GOD HE POSTED! Yes I posted, be afraid. No guarantees on a future posting, since well... things are up in the air here. I have started a few newer stories, I must say you've had some great new stories coming up to keep you entertained. I'm not reading Nifty a lot.... But more than I was... so I should be back again in the not to distant future ~Jon~