OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the archive and loved them. This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT! Enjoy and please send mail to PhoenixPuma@aol.com or IPhoenixI@aol.com with good or bad comments on the story.
Part 36: Hmmmm. a long wait (I guess were getting used to this eh?) I want to say hello to all the new people I been bumping into in the boyband chat room, its been refreshing, and Druid, thanks for The comments, it was nice to have my ego stroked, it's been far too long. To the rest, I guess you have him to thank for this chapter, cause. well. the good words got me motivated to write some more. Dani, Gray, Bi, and the peeps from 69 flavors, and Kep from Complex thanx for dealing with my neurotic ass, and Dani I have just one thing to say. CRACK! That being said. Back to those 7 Sea's.
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 36 by Jon
As Kevin lay in Nick's arms, all he could feel was the guilt, nagging at him, eating at him. Hearing those words spoken, hearing how what he had done was affecting Jon. Hearing how Jon truly felt, and realizing that Jon was holding it all in for his sake. Seeing Jon say it was really his fault, instead of Jon placing the fault where it was truly due. on the guys. The sobs were racking his body, and the tears fell like a dam, that burst open, showing no signs of slowing, and no signs of tapering off. Like the flood, rampaging the plains, after a long storm. So was Kevin's face, thick with tears. His body ached, like nothing he had ever felt before. He felt as if there were needles penetrating his skin, on a level below where one could see. He felt hot iron's burning into him, as his skin crawled. all at once. He could see the dull look in Nick's eyes. Nick was there holding him, yet he saw no sympathy there. He saw wonder, he saw hurt, he saw confusion, but no sympathy. If he had the energy, he'd get up and leave, and wallow alone, but he had not the want, nor the energy. Even if Nick was there because it was expected, he didn't care. What mattered right then was that, physically, he was there. For now that would do.
Slowly the tears eased, and the sobs lessened. saw no sympathy there. He saw wonder, he saw hurt, he saw confusion, but no sympathy. If he had the energy, he'd get up and leave, and wallow alone, but he had not the want, nor the energy. Even if Nick was there because it was expected, he didn't care. What mattered right then was that, physically, he was there. For now that would do.
Slowly the tears eased, and the sobs lessened. The light in Kevin's eyes, that used to light up even the darkest rooms, had faded to just a small ember of what once was. He looked like he was back in that cell, alone, and withdrawn. As the sobs were all but gone, and the tears stopped, for there were just no more there to come out, Nick stood, helping Kevin to his feet. "You need to lay down Kevin, your drained." Kevin just nodded to Nick, and tried to stand. He's knee's were as reliable as his emotions right now, and began to buckle under his weight. Nick slid under him, and put his arm around his shoulder, easing him up, and to the bunks. Carefully Nick laid Kevin into his bunk, and then went in with him. As he rolled in, he wrapped his arms around Kevin, looking straight into his eyes. What Nick saw in Kevin's eyes scared him. He refused to show it, but he felt as if he was losing Kevin, just by the look in his eyes. "Kevin, I'm here, and I'm not leaving. When your ready to talk, I'll be right here to listen to you. I'm not going to desert you. I'm confused about what happened, but I'm not leaving you. Please open up to me." Kevin's eyes barely flickered as Nick was speaking, as if he wasn't hearing what was being said. Nick held Kevin closer, squeezing their bodies together so Kevin could feel him, feel his heartbeat, and know he was right there. Kevin's features were expressionless, save for the vacant, look in his eyes, which were speaking volumes in their eerie silence. That and the paleness that took over his features. Nick closed the separator to the bunk, and turned out the light, and laid there, staring into Kevin's eyes. Waiting for Kevin to fall asleep. Then slowly he crept out.
All too soon, I was drifting off into a light sleep. I could still feel what was going on around me. I could still hear what was happening around me, but my body was in a slow form. Not reacting to the stimuli in the area, but still absorbing it. I could hear Brian's whisper "My god, I am so, so sorry Jon." Even if he didn't realize he said it. Then I felt his hand brush the hair out of my eyes, and the soft kiss on my forehead, as he left the bunk. It was only about 10 minutes when I heard someone else come into the room. I knew it wasn't Brian again. I doubted I would see him again, until I went out to him. I felt someone get into the bunks across from me, and eventually I could hear Nick's voice. It was a soft, reassuring whisper, but I'm not sure why he was talking like that. He must have been talking to Kevin from the way he was talking and what he was saying, but I can't imagine what would make Kevin upset. Things seemed to be all right. whisper, but I'm not sure why he was talking like that. He must have been talking to Kevin from the way he was talking and what he was saying, but I can't imagine what would make Kevin upset. Things seemed to be all right between him and Nick.
After a few minutes it seemed Nick had stopped talking, and Kevin must have fallen asleep. I could hear him crawl out of the bunk, and I could feel the cold air in my bunk. I could still feel the heat radiating off my skin, and Nick's breathe on the back of my neck. By this point I was too intent on trying to figure out what was going on with Kevin, I was fully awake, but I knew he didn't know that. His voice seemed. desperate, in its hushed whisper. "I don't know what to do this time to make it right. All I can do is hope you two work this out, and one day you can forgive them. Maybe time will heal, but I just don't know where to go from here." I could feel a wet spot on my back, as a few tears dripped, then a few more, and then more still. I rolled over to look at him. My right hand instinctively went to his face, and my thumb brushed away the tears. I ran my hand through his hair softly, and looked deep into his eyes. The blues that were usually so deep and lively, were just dull and deadened. It was glassed over, and withdrawn. I imagine I looked very similar to him. "Nick, from here there is no where to go. I will either be able to work out my past. or again it will consume me. If the latter happens, I'll say good-bye before it starts to affect you all too badly, and go on my way." Nick just shook his head, but I brought my other hand around to steady his shook, and simply nodded my head once. The tranquillity I felt at the moment was indescribable. I could see the fear on his face. he must have thought I meant kill myself. "No Nick, I mean I will just walk away, and wallow alone in my misery. I won't let you all suffer with me, because I can't deal with my past. It's not your fault, it's not Brian's fault, and its none of the other people's fault on this bus." Nick seemed to want to argue, but I left no reason, no chance for him to argue. With that, he started to leave the bunk area, and I got out of the bed.
I walked over to him, and wrapped him up into a hug. I circled my hand around his back, and squeezed him in close, allowing him to realize that I am here for him. He grabbed on, as if holding on for sheer life. As if when I let go, he was going to lose me forever, and lose control of his life forever. As we finally pulled apart, I could see the gratitude in his eyes. Instead of walking out of the bunk area, like he thought he was, he went into his bunk and wrapped Kevin up in his arms, and fell into a light, disturbed sleep. I smiled, because it was in sleep that people seemed most peaceful. The worries of the day, the wrinkles of worry, and the dispair slipped away. I smiled seeing this side of Nick. The innocence returning to his face, as he slipped deeper into his sleep. I wondered if that was what happened to me when I fell asleep, If I took on those same peaceful qualities. save when I had nightmares. which was more and more as of late. This thought took my smile away, I would have a depressing thought creeping in on my moment of joy.
My skin finally started to cool down, though it was still a bit sensitive to the touch. I walked out into the main room, and sat on the couch. I pulled out my journal of sorts. I started to write, and started to put all my thoughts down. I could feel a tear or two slip, and I could see them in the paper as they dripped onto it. Still I kept writing. I started to let out all my thoughts onto the paper. Time seemed to be in slow motion as I was going on and on. I remember seeing everyone look at me, and eventually head to bed, and most of the lights being put out, save the light in the room I was using. It was a small desk lamp, clipped onto the couch, but the thing was ingenious. It provided just enough light to read or write by, but not too much that it kept people up. Plus the bendable neck, made sure you could get the right amount of light in the right places.
I remember looking up sometime later, after getting a drink, to seeing the light out, and seeing the guys all starting to get up as I put the journal away and the pen away. I remember the 60 or so pages I penned out, and I remember almost none of the time passing. Not even a cramp in my neck or my back to show for all the time sitting. I got a few awkward looks from all. especially Gwen. Gray just gave an understanding look, and Brian looked confused. Nick almost seemed rested, AJ and Howie seemed. content in the look in their eye. Kevin looked like he barely slept at all, and refused to look at me in my eyes. I found this really weird, but I would get to the bottom of all that later.
The bus slowed into a stop. It was a gas area, with some restaurants, and it was virtually deserted. Gwen and Gray started taking orders for what everyone wanted, and I was getting dragged off the bus by both to drag food back with them. As we entered the building, I couldn't keep my mind on anything. Even with all the writing, my mind was still congested with all the thoughts of where I had been. Where I was going. And where I was at the moment. I couldn't explain it, but there was this nagging deep in the pit of my stomach, as if something was coming, but I had no idea as to what it was. I just knew SOMETHING was on it's way here. Usually I was prepared for these types of events, and had some prior knowledge as to what was going on. This time, I was clueless. That bothered me almost as much as what was going on. I couldn't get out of my head that Kevin wouldn't even look me in the eyes when he woke up.
As I was thinking, I felt something hit me in the chest. Then a slap to the back of the head. well more of a cuff than a slap. I shook my head to get out of my stupor, and looked at the two smiling faces staring at me. "Something you needed? Are you feeding an army. or is that chocolate?" That being said, earned me another cuff. Gray, in her sweetest `you know you love me' voice, "Well we could use a big strong man to carry some of these bags to that big bad scary bus over there." Then she proceeded to over bat her lashes, making quite the scene out of it. I grabbed the bags, ending up with most of the food, save one bag with Gwen, and gray had drinks. They both had smiles on their faces, as if they just won some major war. I looked at them, just to let them know I'd get back at them. It was a short walk to the bus, and not a thing was said while we walked over. I nodded to the driver, filling the tanks, and I handed him his bag of food. He smiled his thanks, and continued his fill up, and sipping the coffee that Gray handed him. When I walked on the bus, I nodded to everyone, put the food down, and walked back off the bus. I watched the eyes following me, and I headed back to the restaurant to get myself some food, and to think some more.
I could hear the footsteps following me. I could also feel myself sinking, knowing I was being followed. It always made the hairs on the back of my neck when people walked behind me. Too many times I had been jumped that way. I wasn't so bad that I would go into a major panic attack, but I did have little ones. Not something I could help right then. After I walked through the doors, I saw it was Nick following me. He backed off when I didn't look back. Maybe he was saying something to me? I didn't hear anything, but then again how much attention am I really paying. I went to the counter, to this little girl. She couldn't have been more than 15. She was staring at me, as I was looking over the menu. "Can. can I help you sir?" she said incredibly. She looked at me like I was crazy. She also looked like she wanted to explode. Maybe Nick HAD said something to me, cause she looked at me like I had two heads for walking away from `Nick Carter'. "Yeah, I'll have breakfast meal 2, with an extra sandwich, Extra large OJ and an extra hash brown." She rang up the order, and then quickly go my order together. She seemed to be staring outside most of the time she was waiting for my food to be made. "That will be. one autograph from Nick." The look I must have been giving her could be nothing less than a death stare. She was trying to bribe me with food, and I was getting very irritated. "eeeeer $7.23 please." Trying to cover up her earlier phrase. The damage was done, and the death stare was accentuated by the redness in my face. It was time to explode, and she was the catalyst. I began screaming at her "How DARE you! Where do you get off. I come in to get myself something to eat, you get paid to give me what I order from you. How DARE you try and bribe me for an autograph, maybe I should get your manager and tell him or her your giving out free food, on top of insulting the customers, how dare you presume to ask for something like that. I know the guys, yes. Why on earth would I use that knowledge to gain ANYTHING lady. Your mind can't even BEGIN to comprehend just how insulting your mug is can you?" I could see the girl was near tears.. Where was all this anger coming from? Her manager started to come up front as I was yelling "Sir. sir, why are you yelling at her like that?" The manager was using very condescending tones. If I was in her place I would have too, not knowing what was going on. "WELL" I started "this "lady" was trying to BRIBE me with free food for an autograph of some of my friends. We've been in a bus for two days straight, ALL I wanted was some breakfast, and I get harassed for autographs. OF all the unprofessional, Insulting, and outrageous things to do. Where do you people get off? Who gives you the right? People come here to eat, not sign napkins. It goes, I order, which I did. She gets the food." I motioned to the girl who really looked devastated. "Which she did. Then she tells me the price, and I pay. Not she tells me it will cost me one autograph!"
The manager looked at the girl, and very calmly asked her to go to the office, and handed me the bags, along with some free food coupons, I was still furious. I hadn't had a moment in my life where I was left alone, and people were just trying to be close to me to get close to the guys. It was getting ridiculous, I couldn't even go to a McDonald's and get my food anymore. I stormed out of the restaurant slamming all the doors as I went. I could hear the words fired yelled across the forum as I left. It took only a minute before I boarded the bus, through gritted teeth told the driver it was cool to go, and I walked to the tables. Taking a table, I sat down to eat. I could see the guys coming, and Nick and Brian both sat in the booth looking at me. I dropped my sandwich and looked at them. "Yes?" It wasn't said meanly.. a bit rude, but not too mean. "Boy someone gets crabby after missing a night of sleep I do believe." Nick said and smiled. I didn't smile back. I just got up, left the food there, and walked away. `damn it! I can't even enjoy a meal in peace!' was all that was running through my mind. There was still this ominous feeling in my gut that something was coming. Maybe I was that something. I felt like I was about to blow up, and start screaming my head off at everything, and every one. I had nothing I could yell at without hurting. All I could do was keep walking away, and there were only so many places on a small bus to go to.
I went in and turned on the TV, and popped an Anime into the recorder. I switched it on, and relaxed trying to enjoy some alone time with a good Anime. Again Nick and Brian sat down. Brian looked a bit worried, Nick looked a bit. odd. I looked over, acknowledged their presence, and then turned back to the movie hoping they'd go away. "Whatcha watching Jon?" I simply got up, slammed the TV off, and looked to Nick "NOTHING! Its all yours!" again I walked off, this time to the phone. I dialed the operator, and listened to the message over and over to the time would be. then a beep. Eventually the bus started to come to a stop. I knew we had the week off, and this hotel was ours till the concert there. 2 days of the "off" time were on the bus, 4 days were just off, the last day the guys had rehearsal, and I had that day off too. I looked at the parking lot and just thought `yeah, another place to go where I won't be left alone, and won't have a moment's piece. I can't even be around just Brian.' We quickly got off the bus, people staring at me the whole way. At the desk, I got my room key, and Brian's key, and the extra to his room. I kept the extra, handed Brian his room key, and pocketed his and mine.
The trip upstairs was nice, while everyone took the elevator, I opted for the stairs. I managed to beat everyone in, and went to my room, put my stuff down, and laid down. The do not disturb' sign was already out, so all I had to do was. "watch someone enter my room without knocking, or caring about my privacy" I mumbled, finishing the last thought aloud. This time it was AJ, looking at me, and approaching the bed. here it comes' was all I could think of. I just rolled over, hoping he'd get the hint I wanted to be alone. "What's the malfunction Jon? First you blow up on some kid, in McDonald's, you didn't sleep last night, you don't eat cause Nick and Brian say hi. You slam the TV off when they again try to talk to you, then you don't even ride the elevator up, instead you take the stairs, get in your room, and put up a don not disturb sign." I looked at him, with pure hatred and evil in my eyes. I swear if I could have lasers there I would. My eyes were narrow slits of brown, the white. unseen. "Is it too much to be alone for one MINUTE of my life! All I get are people getting close to me to get to YOU GUYS! I don't get a moment ALONE unless I stay up ALL NIGHT! The I go to my OWN room. tell everyone LEAVE ME THE FUCK alone, and I still have someone bothering me! Hell I almost wish I was back in the hospital unconscious again. No one visited me, no one bothered me. I was for all intents and purposes ALONE and left to REST, THINK, and sort my thoughts!!!" AJ just looked. well like someone punched him, and knocked the wind out. Still he didn't move. I was fed up. tired of this. As he sat there, stunned, I picked him up over my shoulder, Which started him to struggle a bit. and yell "LET ME DOWN!" Which of coarse was in vain cause I was determined. I walked straight into his room, where there seemed to be a gathering. and a lot of smiling faces looking at me. The must have figured I was in a better mood, and playing with AJ. I threw him onto the bed roughly, and then they all saw my face. "Do not disturb means just that. DO NOT FUCKING DISTURB!!!" I walked back out the side door, slammed it. slammed the one leading to my room harder, locked it, and then put the chain up in all the doors figuring they'd just get the spare key. It wasn't too long before I heard my lock undo, and them try to open the door. And a "Son of a." as the chain stopped them. "GO AWAY!" Was all I said to them, and went to sleep.
TBC.. OK it's short, and left off in an interesting place. Hope ya like it.. I dunno when I will get another one out, I need to post A MidSummer Night Kiss first. and I finally have a banner for MidSummer too J look for me. Jon