OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the archive and loved them. This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT! Enjoy and please send mail to Zelgadyss@Hotmail.com with good or bad comments on the story.
Part 35: Life's ups and life's downs. What can one say. Just wanna shout to all the people who have written to me, about this story and A MidSummer Night's Kiss, the feedback is nice to see, in it's rarity, its better than nothing. I am trying to write a bit more than in the recent past, but life seems to disagree with that choice of mine. Plus I am trying to put some time into my novel, and who knows, maybe in a year or so you'll see a book with my name on it. Ya just never know what I'll do or where I'll be next. Also, I am settled in my new Georgian home with a friend and her family, but.WHERE ARE THE PEOPLE!!! This place is so dead. I half expected Savannah to have PEOPLE! Anyhow, I am done. Later
P.S. Sorry about the last posting, it was all screwy, there was part 34 if you scrolled down past 33.
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 35 by Jon
As I laid on the couch I could tell that Brian was unhappy at the latest revelations. Yet what could I do. I sat there looking to the roof, knowing I had to be honest with him, yet wondering if he could handle it. As these thoughts ran through my head, his hand was resting on my right thigh and gently squeezing it, as if to show he was there, and wasn't moving. He started to look back at me, and I just let the walls start to fall a bit. I looked back into his eyes and stared, hoping I could somehow find my answers there. As if his eyes could mimic my heart, they too said just tell me.' "Brian?" My voice was quiet, and questioning, yet scared and hidden at the same time. "Yup?" Was his simple answer. damn him for not making this easy' was my only thought. "Well I guess I should start from the beginning and get it all out. You comfortable, this could be awhile." He just nodded his head, and motioned his hand to tell me he was ready for me to continue. "Well, I need to be alone, yet that's not what I need if it makes any sense. I need to be alone to figure out why things have happened, and to sort out what has happened in the last 3 months. I need time to try and get through it all, which is not easy. All I can see is everything we've been through. Everything I've been through. See all my mistakes, and wonder, if I never made them how things would be. If I never left and went home after the island where we would be. If I had tried harder to work things out where would we be. If I stopped looking so much at what was coming, and started feeling what was here. If I put more trust in myself. The insecurities I have, are mine. They have nothing to do with you, with us, but about me. About what has happened to me in the past, and getting by it.
Sex. to an extent scares me. It excites me. It confuses me. You make me feel so many things when I am around you all at once, that I feel sex would add to that, and throw me into over-load. Yet at the same time, my mind wonders if you'll be leaving right after. That scares me most of all. That is just one part of things. On top of that, I can still feel them the night we talked. I Can still feel their kicks and hear their shouts at me. I can still feel the hate they felt for me, and wonder if it's still there. I look at them, and all I see is hatred, and anger. All I feel is pain, and anguish. I deserve it. I know I do. At the same time, I still think of my mother. How I left, how I left her. Wondering if what I did was right. Wondering if I will ever stop running and start dealing with everything. Still while I am here, I want to run. Run from all the hurt and pain, run from the other guys, run from everything that happened. I still hear even your words "Stop tormenting me" over and over again as I try to fall asleep, and I know why you said it. but I can't get over it." As I was talking, a few tears had just welled up, yet there was more to say. Much more, and no way to say them. My voice started cracking, my throat went dry, and I couldn't go any further. My body refused, and my heart ached, digging up all the old memories hurt, but then to hear myself ramble on about mom showed me it still bothered me. And there was nothing I could do about it now. As if I was forever going to wonder. I didn't realize how I really felt about the whole situation. Perhaps I really HAD been wrong all these years, and the other people were right.
Brian's arms seemed to tighten a bit, as the tears kept coming from my eyes, and I could feel a few drops on my legs every now and again. I could see a few other people there, but I couldn't realize who they were. I was to deep into my thoughts and tears, but they must have been crying to, because I heard a few sniffles. I felt Brian's arms running circles in my back, as he absorbed everything in. "I thought you weren't coming back this time. I thought you were running away from me. I had no idea all this time it was yourself you were running from, and I am sorry if I ever pressured you. If I had known. But I am here now, you are here now. We can do this together. By the hand of god we can." I just shook my head slightly. "The gods will all help, but they will not fix this. This is my own creation, and therefore its on me to fix." Came my reply. I felt another hand on my shoulder, and instantly my body shuddered. I could feel myself closing off from the touch, reading for more abuse. My body tightened up, almost as if to curl up again. The hand withdrew, but the voice kept coming. "No matter what else Jon, you don't deserve what we did to you that night. You didn't do anything wrong, all you did was be yourself. We are to blame, not you." Kevin's voice seemed filled with hurt and pain, and I wanted to make his pain go away. I shook my head no, disagreeing with him, and sat there. I could see visions of different times with my mother, and my father. Some of the good times I had seen with them both. My senses went numb, I couldn't feel Brian there anymore. All I could feel was what was in my head.
It's a warm summer day outside. The sun shines away like something out of a fairy tale. A small child sits upon a desk, with a small green plastic chair and a small turtle in the center of the table. Its a small school, with kids, all ages 5-6. It's a Kindergarten class, with lots of animals on the wall and lots of children's toys lining the walls. A tall lady approaches the teacher, receiving a report card. The teacher looks a bit funny at the lady, as if sensing something wrong. The tall woman had long dark brown hair, make up, and jeans with a nice shirt on. She looked very prim and proper walking, and seemed to be a very upper-class woman. The only things out of place on here, were a few tear stains and a bit of a funny smell on her breathe. She gets his card, stating all the things he had been learning, and seemed very pleased with what it said. Within minutes she grabbed his hand, and was leading him to a car.
The drive was short, and there was a construction yard before them. "Were here mom!" The child yells, and bolts out of the car. He runs over to the lady waiting there for them, and hugs here. Then runs inside after she says something to him, and starts to eat. They stay there for what seems a few hours, the child at the table reading some comic or another. Finally the tall woman returns. "OK Jon, let's get going." "OK mom, I'm ready, bye Twig, see ya tomorrow!" She smiled and nodded, as the two left.
They got into the car, both buckling up, and drove off. It was only a few minutes, but they seemed like an eternity. There was a loud crash heard, and the sound of bones breaking, steel bending and snapping, and a collision. Silence comes, and soon the child looks over.
I woke with a scream. Again these dreams were to plague me. It had been a year since they had been too bad, and I had started getting used to them not being there. I just grabbed my legs, as I was again alone on the couch. I just got up and went to the bathroom I couldn't sit there, I couldn't have people stare there at me. I closed the door, and turned the shower on. I turned the water as hot as it would go, and stepped out of my clothes. I closed my eyes and stepped into the water, ignoring the pain the hot water was causing. Ignoring everything. I let the pain sensations take over the mental sensations. I let the water coarse over my body, I could feel every part of me getting hit with the hot spray. It was a welcomed sensation after what I had just seen. It was enough to distract me from what was in my head. It was enough to make me feel shut off. I stepped out of the water, ignoring the fact that my skin was all beat red, and sore. I dried off with a towel, ignoring the pain as much as I could, and I stepped out of the bathroom. The Hall billowed with the steam from inside the bathroom, and I could instantly feel the difference in temperature from the bathroom to the main room. All I was wearing was a pair of athletic blue shorts, and a baggy T-Shirt. My exposed arms and legs showed how hot the water was, and my face as well. I looked like I had a sun-burn from head to toe. I could see a few people looking at me. Gray gave me a funny look, as if to ask what she had already known as true. She then had her own demons to face. She was finally seeing for the first time, just what people saw when she hurt herself. Now on a whole new level. She could see her friend going into a deep and dark world she herself fought so hard to get out of.
Without turning around to look at what was going on, without acknowledging the people there, I walked off into the bunks and laid down. I turned to face the ceiling. I knew that I wasn't going to fall asleep, I knew I wasn't going to be resting, and I knew it wouldn't be long before.. "Jon?" Brian's voice came into the bunk as he moved the sheet separating it. I could feel the heat radiating off my body and out into the air, no doubt he could as well. "Yes Brian?" Brian took this as a good time to crawl into the bed, and put his arms around me. I winced slightly at the touch on my sore skin, but still tried to curl up into his body. My face buried itself in his neck, and just lay there. Letting the scent go in, letting everything sink in, and letting life sink in. I could sense the worry on his face, I could feel the worry on him like it was a thick drab coat. But there was nothing I could do to ease his worries. Even if I told him not to worry, he would, and likely twice as much. I started mumbling the first thing that came to mind
"Everytime our eyes meet. This feeling inside me Is almost more than I can take.
Baby when you touch me I can feel how much you love me. And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone.. Or anything I Can hear your thoughts. I can see your dreams
I don't know how you do what you do I'm so in love with you. It just keeps getting better.
I wanna spend the rest of my life' with you by my side forever and ever.
Every little thing that you do baby I'm amazed by you.
The smell of your skin. The taste of your kiss. The way you whisper in the dark You Hair all around me Baby you surround me. And touch every place in my heart. Oh it feels like the first time, every time I wanna spend the whole night, in your eyes."
Brian looked into my eyes, and I tried to force, a small, if existent smile. As I looked into his eyes, I could feel my heart calming, and I could feel my thoughts lighten. It was almost as if the key to the universe was held within the space between us. Or lack of space. The closer he was, the better I would feel. I knew I had to deal with all of this. ALL of it. Really deal with it. I also knew it was going to be easier to do it with his help and not alone. Could I put that much strain on a new relationship? Was it really new, or had we picked up where we left off?
"How could I think he was over it already Nick? How could I have in good conscience even REMOTELY believe he had been over what had happened. I should have realized sooner it was still hurting him. He said when he looks at us, he still hears what was said, and feels hatred from us. He must think we hate him. He said he deserved it. He never. we wouldn't." Kevin's mind was going at an enormous speed, and he was slowly starting to break down in Nick's arms. All Nick could do was to be there, and Help Kevin deal with his demons. Part of him. a small part deep down. wondered what had possessed the guys that night. Where their common sense was, and most of all, how were they all going to get past it.
TBC. And there lies the next chapter. One more time, I want to apologize about the mix up with the last posting. Hope to be writing more in the near future. Look for me on A MidSummer Night's Kiss, and as more comes with the novel You'll Know. -Jon