OK this is my first time at a story like this, I have read many from the archive and loved them. This is about ME, MY life, and MY fantasies with Brian Littrell and the BackStreet Boys. I am in no way implying anything about the sexuality of the BackStreet boys, and if your not 18 GIT! Enjoy and please send mail to Zelgadyss@juno.com with good or bad comments on the story. Just remember its my first time, and any resemblance to other stories I am sorry it's coincidental and quite on accident.
Part 29: I'm betting you were expecting to wait a few months for that last part weren't you? Well I had inspiration strike, SOOOOO I sent them both in. It was really quite magical. Well the inspiration part anyhow. I want to again thank all my friends, and you all know who you are. Those from the past that I haven't heard from in ages (Yes this means you too Aaron, PLEASE e-mail me sometime and lemme know how your doing, I really miss having you to talk to) and friends that are new. So many things in my life have changed, as things often do in time, and so the change is reflected in my writing. Sometimes change is for the best, even when we can't see it at first. I wish to thank all my friends for helping me grow, and helping me in general. I used to think I was hopeless, and useless all at once, but things have changed, I fell in love. Even if it is not returned, its love. Its thinking your all alone in the world, and imagining their face, and somehow things seem to look just a bit better. Picturing their arms around you, and watching the fear slip away. It's seeing yourself through another's eyes, and realizing your not such a bad person after all. It's opening your eyes, and realizing just because people are bad to you, that doesn't make you a bad person. He reaffirmed my faith in myself, and in my abilities to help people. He helped me realize that its not my fault how others treat me, and he has helped me see who needs to be taken out of my life. He doesn't know it, but he will forever have a friend, and someone who loves him in the world. And with that rant...
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 29 by Jon
Police Station
Kevin was in cuffs, and being lead to a holding cell. It was an ordinary looking room, gray, all gray. With a small bed, a metal toilet, and toilet paper. And a bench. His clothes still stained with blood, and his face, solemn. His skin was pale white, as if he had seen a ghost, and the guys were looking in on him. It had appeared he had taken the blame for it all to protect Howie and AJ from being arrested as well. All the guys were there, talking to the cops. It had been but hours since they had learned of Jon's death, and all were still affright. No one said much, beyond one word answers to the cops questions. Shock was still too thick to say much of anything. Guilt might have been a better word to describe it, for all of them had a bit of it, for one reason or another, thinking they could have stopped things. The hardest thing to swallow over the whole ordeal was, none of them were able to say good-bye. Nick held Brian for his losses, both Jon, and Kevin now in jail, just as Brian was holding Nick for his loss of Kevin. To an onlooker, it would seem like they had just witnessed something grievous, but that was outwardly. Inside they would have looked like something mangled in a blender, as their fine line of reality was being broken.
After a few hours at the police station, the guys left for their hotel. Not the one they came from either, as none could bare to be there right now. All but Brian that is. He had gotten a spare key from Jon sometime ago, and went to his apartment. He let himself in, and immediately was in tears. He saw pictures of Jon at happier times, and his CD's. His little Nick Knack's and all the other little things that made Jon, Jon. Even the air still smelled of his cologne, the shower of his shampoo. The sheets still had his essence there. The house was his in every sense of the word. Every nook and cranny was his. Brian slowly got to the bedroom, and on the bed was a large clear bag. It held pictures in it, all nice and neat. The biggest pictures....looked like a wedding album. Or a few pages there of. And the lady in them, somewhat resembled his mother. Brian had assumed it was Jon's parents pictures. He picked through the pictures, staring at each one intently. All of them had something missing..almost empty in Jon's eyes. All the kid pictures were missing that spark he was used to seeing. In the later pictures, ones more recent, he could see that sparkle. And there were even a few of Brian and Jon there.
Slowly Brian felt a trickle on his cheeks. It wasn't too long till the pictures were getting slightly dampened. The more he looked, the more he hurt. He picked up a small animal on Jon's bed. It was a leopard. A large stuffed animal, and it radiated Jon's energy. This was Jon's pet and friend. Many times had Brian and the guys heard the stories about it. And many times he wondered what Jon's apartment looked like. It wasn't far off, for the most part, from what he had expected. Simple and plain. Yet each thing was something Jon would be seen with. It spoke volumes to Brian. Right down to the small alter and candles everywhere. As Brian walked, he left a trail of tears with him. He finally got to Jon's computer, and turned it on, knowing what needed to be done.
The computer beeped, and loaded fast. He wasted no time in opening up America On-Line and Microsoft word. He signed onto the Internet under the name specified on the file. The file was called "In The Event Something Has Happened to Me" with very specific instructions. He knew this was Jon's way of saying good-bye to all the people who had left foot prints on his heart, and have moved him in ways most would never understand. It was specific enough to include what the subject line was to be, and then who to send it to. Jon had been sure that he would say his final good bye's, no matter how vague they were, and so no one was left wondering where he was or how he was. Sometimes Brian would stop and think of things Jon did, that at the time seemed foolish and out of place, yet now seemed to fit so perfectly. Brian had decided that when things had calmed down, now that he realized what this file's intent was, he would create one of his own. Looking back, he couldn't remember anything Jon did that didn't make sense in it's own good time. Regret wasn't something Jon did too often. Perhaps that was the point of what was going on.. he didn't want to regret not saying good bye, and have unfinished business.. or was it to soothe the people in his life, so they would all realize all the things he never said and wanted to, or to help ease their pains, knowing even in death he was thinking about them.
As Brian read through the things Jon was saying to the people, he could see there was no hate in his heart. Even to the people that have hurt him, he managed to say nice things about them, and tried to help them on their way. His close friends, he left with pearls of wisdom, he would undoubtedly have given to them in time, and helped them along with. Truly the world was dealt a devastating blow. Yet there was nothing more to do, than to sit here, and contemplate the loss. The mail was soon sent to it's recipients, and Brian laid in Jon's bed, picturing the arms of his lost lover around him. Whispering in his ear that things would be all right, and he was still with him, if in spirit only. A personal angel to all of his friends. Brian closed his eyes with the image of Jon.. not the beaten man that died in the hospital, but the man who had taken nothing in the world. Nothing except Brian's heart. In return for what was taken, Brian was given love, and compassion, the likes which no one in the world could have ever known. It was less than a year they had known each other, yet the bond formed, was a bond that no amount of time could replace. Brian slipped into a tormented rest there, trying to remember the good times he had, and treasure the time he was given.
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 30 by Jon
At The Hotel
The three guys sat in one room, staring off into the distance. Each having their own personal demons to deal with, and each having something weighing on their chests. Nick lost almost as much as Brian had that night. Yet he felt like he hadn't lost as much as the scene first made them think. Somewhere, deep inside him, he felt something wasn't right, but yet last time he felt this, one of his friends... one of his true, close friends, was brutally killed. What fate and gods were watching Jon that night, Nick was unsure. Part of him thought no god was, and fate was just imagined, for things like that...being beaten to death, was undeserved by people as loving and caring as Jon. And the cruel twist of fate was it was his friends that had done it. As if an act of pure and complete vengeance had taken those three over that night, and in that instant, lives were changed forever. The media was all over the place, and Jon's picture was on every major news channel that night. As were Kevin and the rest of the guy's. Nick was sure, in a short time, their phones would be ringing. Kevin was being made to look like a cold blooded killer, and already there was talk of death. In the state of Massachusetts there hadn't been an execution in countless years. This case was warranting the resurrection of capital punishment. Nick knew that the media explosion was coming, yet he was more afraid of the people that knew the guys personally calling. How could they explain things, did he dare explain them. And what of the people that knew Jon. His friends would surely be calling Brian, could Brian deal..
Nothing had made sense of what was going on right now. Nick's head was being flooded. It wasn't to long after they got to the hotel that the phone rang. All three had looked at each other, and then the phone. Silently asking who dared answer it, or better yet who could answer it. After several rings, AJ finally picked up the receiver. His voice, barely audible, shaken, and scared, but yet he still spoke into the phone... "He.Hello?" His voice quivered as he spoke. He could hear the sniffling on the phone on the other end. A voice once so strong and pronounced yet just as quivering and shaken as AJ's filtered through. "AJ... It's Gracie." AJ dropped the receiver, and looked at the phone, he stared as tears filled his eyes, and he started to break down. They all knew, this call most of all, would soon be coming. Yet no one knew how to deal with it. Nick looked at Howie, who in turn looked at AJ. AJ mouthed the word Gracie, and Nick soon picked up the phone. As soon as he did, a hysterical voice was heard "What's going on, AJ are you there! PLEEEEEEASE ANSWER ME!" the voice sounded so desperate, so devastated. Nick's eyes filled with fresh tears as he spoke, his voice mimicking how crushed he was. "Gracie..it's Nick. It's true..all of it is true." Nick slowly explained what had happened, from when Jon was in his and Kevin's room, to what the news had said. She was a mixture of emotions, both sad, angry, broken, but most of all hurt.
"Nick I am catching a ride out there, as soon as I check my e-mail. I have to tell his friends...the ones I know, what happened. I need to go to his apartment, and send off an e-mail, he had written for if this had ever happened. And I swear to the gods and goddesses that be, when I find Kevin, my wrath will make hell look like a Caribbean vacation!" This started Nick sobbing, and the phone soon went dead. He knew she was serious, and he knew he was losing all the people he ever loved in his life. One event, one small event of a guard not knowing what was going on, had caused his life to start falling apart. Nicks sobs only got louder and louder, till he got to the hall. When asked where he was going, all he did was motion for the limo driver to follow. He wrote his request down on a piece of paper, and the driver left. He went to the one place he knew in the area he could clear his head in. The one place he knew he would be able to find Jon in. The one place his spirit would be strongest. He went to the place Jon would hear him in, even after this life was gone. He was going to the Dam. With his white candles, he went to the dam, so he could say good-bye to his friend, and ask for forgiveness from whatever powers may be. Also he wanted to go to the place Jon went to when he was in need of advice, or in need of comforting. It was about an hour and a half when the driver had pulled into the area to park at. It was after dark, and no one was supposed to be there, but knowing who he was, he had figured that he would be OK. Besides he was saying good-bye to his departed friend.
After a few minutes of looking into the water, nick threw a stone into it. In the ripples he could swear he saw Jon's face, smiling back at him. As if to say "It's ok Nick, I am in a better place, and I am happy. I blame no one for what happened". Nick's tears hit the water, but the image still didn't fade. Nick closed his eyes, and the slight breeze picked up. Nick cleared his mind of all that had happened, and imagined an image of Jon. As if listening for his voice on the wind. He lit his white candles, and sat there. Absorbing the atmosphere, and saying his final good-bye's to his friend. He had made the trip, and now he knew something more was guiding him here. He could feel presence's with him. Small energy forces, much that like the spirits of the earth. He was feeling part of what Jon must have felt every time he came here. He was feeling easiness, and joy. Fulfillment and love. He felt at peace with himself and with nature. He felt one with the place he had come too. By the time he had opened his eyes, he had felt but mere minutes go by, but the candles were burned down, and the sky was turning into a light blue, with orange and purple hue's. He watched the sunrise and said good morning to the world. He felt somehow uplifted and changed. He was lost in the world inside himself, in the worlds he never took the time to realize were really there. He picked up his candle pieces, and buried them by a large tree, saying a final good-bye to Jon, and letting a few tears fall into the hole, and cover up the mound, marking it with a small pentagram, and a cross.
After a few minutes of talking to the wind, hoping it would carry his message to Jon, he went back to the limo. The driver had long since given up on Nick coming back that night, and was fast asleep inside. Nick carefully woke the man up, apologizing for taking so long, and asked to be taken back. Color had finally returned to Nick's cheek's as he felt he had a better purpose here now, and he was filled with a light that was always there, but he never knew how to look for it. He was ready to face all this, and to figure out a way to fix things. How to make it all right. He had left the hotel in tears, not saying a word of where he was going or why when he left. But he had accomplished what he had set out to do now, and he was ready to do what was needed to pull the other guys together. He put aside what he had, and was losing, just as he had seen Jon do many times before, and was now going to help his friends deal. Saying good-bye, and letting go are two very different things. He wasn't ready to let go, but he had said his good-bye. Now he could help the others, especially Brian say his good-bye.
As Nick entered the elevator at the hotel, he felt a certain dread creep through his body. He wasn't sure what had happened that night, or how he was going to deal with it. His resolve was there, as was his will, and he knew he would do what he had to do. As he walked into the room, he wasn't smiling, but he wasn't crying either. It was obvious from the scene before him that neither AJ nor Howie had moved a bit since he was last there. They fell asleep in the same position they were in when he left. He grabbed a few blankets from the beds and covered the guys up. Both stirred but were soon cuddling into the blankets. It was obvious they were having bad dreams, but there was nothing Nick could do now, but wait, and deal with his demons. And soon he too, tho reluctant, fell asleep.
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 31 by Jon
Kevin awoke to a hard banging at his cell door. The Bailiff was coming by bringing food and water for him. It was an early wake-up call, but Kevin soon found out today was his trial. He had gotten used tot he early wake up calls in the 5 days he was there, and the guys were there each morning just after he ate. The guys had been supportive of him the whole way, especially Nick. It was almost as if Nick was an entirely different person now. He has always acted more mature than anyone could have been expected to at his age. It was one of the many things the guys had taken for granted throughout the years they were together. How he missed lying in bed waking to Nick's face each day. That was the thing he missed most of all. That and he missed Jon. He missed all the things that were supposed to happen, and never will be. He missed all the things that used to mean so much, but he gave so little thought to. He missed waking up each day to 5 other smiling...or groaning faces. The faces of the one's he called brothers and friends. He was so foolish to have jumped to conclusions, and reacted in the manner he did. He didn't look before he leaped, and now he, his friends, and his family were suffering. Not to mention one of his dear friends are dead. It wasn't long before the guys had come again today, Nick, with even more of a look of maturity on his face, holding one of Kevin's best suit's in hand. He gave it to the bailiff to give to Kevin to change into when it came time for court. Kevin's face was a solemn one, for he knew what was about to come. He knew that he was about to be tried, and convicted of murder. A fate which he accepted. He accepted it knowing he had caused it, but also knowing that the pain was far from over. Even if he was killed, the pain was still far from done, for the friends, and the family... his family, would now suffer at his hands would be great. He could picture the faces of his mother, and 2 brothers in the court room. Their hearts shattered as he plead guilty to the charges of murder. And what would they do if he was sentenced to death. What would any of the guys do if he was. They would be losing yet another in their lives. Fate became something Kevin was slowly disbelieving in. Even Brian was here today. Looking like he hadn't slept in the four days that had passed. "Gray came in today Kevin. She's going to be at the trial." Nick said to Kevin softly, hoping to warn him of what was going to happen. Kevin visibly winced, when he heard the name, as he realized she was probably hurt as much, if not more than Brian. He seemed to consider this, then spoke "That's OK Nick, I need to deal with all of what I have done, and who we have hurt." AJ and Howie looked at him, and realized the sacrifice he was making for them. AJ spoke next "That's right Train, who WE hurt, you shouldn't.." he was quickly cut off by Kevin. "It does no good for all of us to suffer, just let me do this." He had said it, as if a father was taking the blame for something his child had done. They knew this was the ultimate in fatherly acts he could have ever taken on. They knew he was doing this cause weather one of them was convicted, or all three, the people would be happy. And there were 3 more lives at stake here. He was taking the blame too keep them safe, but he couldn't save them from their guilt, or their minds, Which replayed the incident over and over in their minds all day and all night. How would they deal with it all? "Guys you need to go back to the hotel, and get ready for the court, as do I. I look forward to seeing you there." With that he smiled, and stroked Nick's cheek. Then turned around and walked away, to tell them he needed time to prepare for court, and to give them what they needed as an OK to leave. Which they begrudgingly did. The four of them went back to the hotel, and started to get ready. Once they were all in their suits, they converged in the common room, and sat the chairs in a circle. They had a few hours till court was about to start, and so they decided they needed to talk. When suddenly Brian's cell phone rang. Ring Ring All looked at Brian to see what he was going to do, but what could he do but answer. As he hit the answer button on the phone, figuring it was another reporter, but hoping it would be a comforting family member, he cleared his throat, and as dignified as he could he spoke. "Hello this is Brian." From the receiver came a familiar voice, one he'd been dreaming of for ages. His face became pale white as he heard the voice, and then he screamed, throwing the phone. "NOOOOO!!!!!! STOP TORMENTING ME!" He instantly fell to his knee's and broke down crying. He held close in hand the 2 necklace's that his lover once adorned. He kept crying "I'm so so sorry Jon. Please forgive me." As he stared at the heavens. Nick was soon on the floor with him, and trying to comfort him, while all the guy's stared at the phone. Next AJ's phone rang. He like Brian before him, expecting reporters got a dignified voice and answered his phone. "Alexander speaking, may I help you?" And much like Brian, his face too got white. Ghostly white, as he closed his eyes. The phone slipped from his hands, as if in slow motion to him, as he saw visions of what happened that night. Of him kicking Jon, and beating him. Of all the horrible things he had done that night. Of Kevin being hauled off in a police car, alone, as they sat and watched him take the fall. He saw the face of Kevin, as Howie had forced them to look at whose face it was they were beating. Carrying on as if they knew nothing but anger, rage. They had WANTED to kill the man, and he knew it. Soon tears adorned his cheeks as well. It wasn't long before Howie's phone too rang. As if too scared, he didn't manage to muster a dignified voice. His was filled with fear and terror, not knowing what to expect, and not knowing what was happening to his friends. He had heard the same voice they must have, cause he threw his phone at the wall. The anger fresh in is mind, of lifting the head of the man they had beaten, and seeing who it was. The phone hit the wall with a sickening thud, as it shattered into many pieces of computer parts and plastic flying all around. It shook everyone out of their stupor. He then ran at the wall and started beating it. Throwing full force punches as hard as he could. Soon small red spots were on the wall, getting bigger with each hit, and his shouts getting louder with each punch. He screamed incomprehensible words as he hit it. It was obvious that he was dealing with his pain through anger, but no one knew what was said on the phone. No one really cared, for they were all too busy dealing with their own demons, and Nick was trying to console Brian, telling him it would be OK, hoping that if he said it enough he'd convince himself.
Nick's phone too started to ring. He stared at it, fear striking into his head, as he looked at it ringing in his hands. He was very unsure of himself and if he should answer the call. He had seen what it had done to his friends, but curiosity got the better of him. So he shakily picked the phone up. As he did, his voice quivered with the fear. And it was audible. His voice was shaken to the point you could tell he was scared to the marrow in his bones. "Hell..hello..?" He said, trying to be brave, and calm Brian at the same time. The voice echoed in his ears. He was sure he knew the voice, but he knew it couldn't be...
Brian's 7 Sea's of Loneliness part 32 by Jon
Just when I thought I was to be alone forever, I opened my eyes, and my heart revealed I was never truly alone, if I looked deep within myself. All I needed to do was listen to a stray wind, and a stray flame. Look at the waters edge, or to a tree, and I would have known, I have always had things here with me. The ground beneath me was soft and airy, the air was crisp and smooth. It was pure, no smog or pollution, no factories. And the water, was crystal clear. In the distance you could hear soothing melodies as the wind carried a beautiful song on it. Caressing me, and comforting me. Its song was more than music, as I felt the winds brush my face. A soft caress that started at my cheek bone, and then worked to my hair. Softly it brushed my hair back, and looped it behind my ear. Then to my shoulders went its fingers. The soft tendrils of hair easily pushed aside in it's gentle grip. My collar bone was it's next target, and then my shoulders. The feeling uplifting, I could feel my back arch as it moved down. Then as a tear streaked down my right rosy cheek, it brushed away the wetness, as if it had never existed, save for the small mark it left on my cheek.
I hadn't opened my eyes for sometime now, tho I could still feel all the people around me, slowly looking to me. Seeing my pain, but then as I felt the pain, it was gone. As fast as it came, it was gone. I still felt the feather light touch on my cheek, as blurry as my vision was. As my vision slowly came through, I could see a face. A face so bright, so happy, I thought I saw a halo with it. As my vision cleared I could see it was a young girl. I could feel my body throbbing, but I could feel no pain. I was lost in her eyes, and in her grace. Her absolute beauty was easily seen through her glasses and long brown hair. Her fingers so gently touched my skin, as it traces my back, and then brushed another tear from my face. Again she had taken the tendrils of my hair off of my face, and behind my ears, as I waited for my vision to clear. My eyes beckoned to hers, and my throat, tho hoarse and sore called out to her. It was the faintest of a whisper, but sounds all the more. "Who..are...you...kind...lady?" She looked at me curiously, having heard my voice. I knew I had startled her, and I tried to move my arm to stroke her cheek as lovingly as she had to me. But when I tried to move my arm, I felt pain surge throughout my body. I was wracked in pain, yet I couldn't scream. My face must have reflected the pain, as I heard her soft voice. "Please be careful, your in the hospital, badly beaten. You've been here nearly a week. My name is Gwendolyn. Most just call me Gwen." With that she caressed my cheek one more time, trying to ease the pain I had caused myself.
I could see she wanted to ask me what happened to me, and try as I might I still couldn't move, or talk. I had no idea who the person was, but I could see a name tag on her. She must have been a nurse..but why would she still be here if she was. No she couldn't be a nurse, maybe she was someone I knew, and forgot. Or maybe she was a random person, who read in the papers about an accident. I couldn't piece things together, but my medication was wearing off, cause I could feel the pain. I heard weird noises all around me, and I could feel the oxygen being fed into me through a tube in my nose. And food intravenously being introduced. I pointed to the water container, trying my best to say I wanted water. It took a few minutes before she realized what I needed. My throat was dry and scratchy, and I could feel the lack of liquids there. After a few glasses, my throat didn't hurt so much.
"Hello Gwen, how long have you been here?" my voice was a bit rough, and it hurt a bit to talk, but I was able to talk, and that was good. "I've been here each day for the better part of a week. No one knew who you were, and my mom works here, so I decided to read to you while she worked." I smiled at her. It was funny, my face was the only place that didn't hurt. She went and got a doctor, who when he saw me up and eyes opened, looked astonished, as if expecting me to be dead. It wasn't long that I learned they were about to take me off the machines. They had learned my name from my drivers license, but couldn't find anyone to notify that I was here. I was a big mystery to them. No one knew how I had gotten there, or from where. All they knew is that an ambulance had taken me. Seems there was a mix up in files when I was brought here, and a few others were brought around the same time. So no one knew what had happened to me. "May I see my clothes please.. and can I make a long distance call?" They grabbed my pants, and I went for my wallet, which of coarse was gone, but the doctor soon brought it, knowing what I was looking for... somewhat. I took out my small black-book with numbers on it. My voice was still very hoarse and scratchy, but I dialed the number, despite the pain. It was a number I had dialed hundreds of times in the waking hours of morning, and the hours where even the dead were afraid to sleep. It was slow, as I felt each finger burn as I pushed with what little strength I had in me. As I dialed the numbers, I pictured the face that would make it all better. The face that would make all the pain go away. I heard the phone ringing, and couldn't help the smile that had formed on my face. A calm voice, very much like a person trying to appear strong, tho hiding a great pain answered. What pain was he hiding? I'd have to find out... but I needed him to come get me, I needed to see him. Maybe it was the hurt that was left there when I passed out. "Hello, this is Brian." I heard as my smile lifted. My voice was still hoarse and scratchy, but I could distinguish it, and I hoped he would too. "Brian... Please come help me." I said it as soft and soothing as I could, hoping to ease his pain.. but still get the message through that I needed him. Even if as just a friend I needed him here and now. "NOOOOO!!!!!! STOP TORMENTING ME!" came from the phone, screamed at the top of his lungs. I looked into the receiver, as if I would be able to see him. I felt another tear roll down my cheek, as he said this. I was tormenting him. It's nice to know how he feels. I looked to Gwen, assuming she had heard to. I still heard sobs coming from the phone in the background, but I didn't know who or why. I just stared at the phone for another minute, and hung up. I tried the next number I could think of. AJ would help me. Even if me and Brian were on bad terms, he'd come to help me. Right? I mean we were good friends. And all. I dialed his number, and again, a dignified voice came over the line. Were they expecting this? "Alexander speaking, may I help you?" I stared blankly at the phone, the name Alexander throwing me off for a minute. "AJ.. will you help me.... please." I waited for the comforting voice to ask where I was, and how I was. And I waited to here him say I'd be OK. All I heard was the phone drop. Was he too now ignoring me. I just let the tears keep rolling down my cheek, not knowing why no one was here. I was brought here somehow, why weren't they here? A scared voice answered the phone. It was a generic answer, but I needed to know what was going on, or I was going to lose it. "Howie, I know me and Brian are fighting.. please help me." I was begging now. I was desperate to know what was going on. how did I get here? I remember seeing a horrified look on Kevin's face. I remember feeling a lot of pain and passing out as fast as I gained consciousness. I was getting scared now. And I knew I was shaking. Gwen gave me a deep hug, and tried to comfort me "Jon, I don't know who all you called, but obviously they weren't very good people. It will be OK. Me and Mom will help you get back to where it is you need to go." I nodded to Gwen. "I have 2 more numbers to try, before I give up on my friends." She nodded back to me, tightening the embrace a bit, but not too much, cause she knew I was in pain. Still I winced a bit, I couldn't help it. I tried Kevin's number. I knew he'd at least tell me what was going on. Surely he would at least tell me where to get my stuff at. I had to search his number out, but I found it with a little help from Gwen. The phone kept ringing and ringing. Till I got the service informing me that the cell phone operator was out of distance, or not answering, please call back at a later time. Was he ignoring me too? I had one number left to call. Nick and I were the closest, so hopefully I could get a few answers from him. I dialed his number, knowing someone had to at least talk to me. I could feel the hope slipping from my voice, and from my mind as I dialed the number. I heard the ringing, and knew it was too late to turn back now. "Hell..hello..?" Came the shaky voice from the other end. "Please, I need help Nick. Your the only one who can help me." I said, my voice desperate, as I begged him, and pleaded with him for help. I knew I was shaking, inside at the least, most likely on the outside as well. He too, hung up on me. What more was there to say or do. I truly was alone now, but I'd rebuilt my life before, and I knew if I had to I could again. I hung the phone up, a deep sadness in my heart, and my eyes reflected that. What more was to be said, or done now. I had to concentrate on getting better, and I had to get out the hospital and see what was going on. The doctor had come in before my last call, and saw how I was, and handed me a form. "This should make you feel better Jon. I'm releasing you. Your injury's aren't going to be helped here.. so I need you to fill some forms out, and then on crutches you can leave, but you have to be careful, you'll be very sore for awhile, and you need physical therapy." I just blinked at him. How could doctors call it physical therapy? It's physical torture is what it is. But there was nothing I could do, I was at his mercy. I flipped on the TV, and on all 5 hospital channels, was news. Just my luck. And there was just NEVER any good news, but it provided background noise, which I needed to be able to hear if I was gonna fill out forms. I started in on what looked to be at least 30 or 40 pages. All asking the same thing, insurance (we know where their minds are) name, address, phone number, Date of Birth. Insurance name. Plan. And so on. I was getting through the stack when the TV said something that caught my ear. "Gay teen killed in Boston." I looked up, how could that happen. How could people be that intolerable. Then I saw Kevin's face. "Here the accused, Kevin Richardson, of the BackStreet Boys awaits trial in Boston superior court on the charge of murder. However its expected that he will plea guilty. This horrible travesty has upturned the world of a once promising young man, who was only 20." I sat horrified. How could he..how could he! I screamed "HOW COULD YOU!!!!" I shot out of bed "HOW COULD YOU.... YOU INTOLERABLE FUCK! YOU SHAMELESS SON OF A BITCH! YOU HYPOCRITICAL BASTARD!" it was then Gwen shut the picture off, just after I saw my face. Then I fell into the bed, both from the outburst, and then seeing my picture. It was as if none of them saw it tho. Was I the one he was accused of killing? I kept filling out forms, once Gwen had sufficed in calming me down more. I had the crutches, and I asked that she and her mom take me to the murder trial. "Why would you want to go there?" Gwen asked, seeing a disgusted look on her face. "Because he is a friend, and I am gay. I want to get the whole story from the other guys. Besides those are who I called, and with the way they treated me... I have some things to say. I didn't think they were still in town." It wasn't long before we were on our way out the door. The doctor had given Gwen's mom the day off with pay to help me out and such, and she was more than nice about it. She turned on the radio "And in local news, Jonathon Burke's killer will stand trial in Boston superior court later today. It's expected to be a large turn out for fans of the group to support the guys, and for the gay community which is outraged at this act of violence. It's been nearly a week since the violent murder ended Jonathon's life at Boston memorial hospital. He suffered through the ambulance ride, and died shortly there after while being cared for in the Intensive Care Unit." My face when ghost white. And the trial was starting in a few minutes. Luckily Gwen's mother was pulling into the garage. I saw them take Kevin into the court room, but he obviously didn't see me. As I looked around, I saw my face on signs and posters everywhere. I saw crowds of people shouting at Kevin as he was brought into court. I set my crutches up, and started hobbling towards the doors. A few stray people looked at me kind of funny, and I had wondered if they realized who I was, but I kept pushing to get through. I saw the cops at the doors trying to keep the peace, but failing miserably. "I need to get in" I said to the cop. "Nope, court's already in session." I looked at him, and then screamed "Then your trying to kill an innocent man, cause I am the man he supposedly murdered!" this caught him off guard, and I pushed through. Everyone was staring now, looking at posters and me, as I fled to the courtroom, fast as my crutches would take me. I opened the doors, and heard the judge speaking "And how do you plea." He said in an official voice. And I stepped through the doors. "The defendant pleads not guilty your honor!" I huffed out as fast as I could, when I heard Kevin start to speak, knowing he was going to plea guilty. "SIT DOWN!" the judge hollered at me as he slammed his gavel. "Sir, if you please, I am sorry to interrupt, but I feel I must.." I was cut off by gasps, and the judge yelling "IF YOU DON'T SIT DOWN, I WILL HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT OF COURT!!!" So I mustered all my strength and closed my eyes. "If you must lock me up, then do so, but I feel you should know, you try him for my murder. And if I am standing here before you, I can't be dead. I am Jonathon Burke" I said as I approached the bench "There was a mix-up at the hospital. And as mad as I am at him and the guys for being hung up on, screamed at, and told by one person I thought knew me best" I shot a glance to Brian quickly "That I torment them, I am getting him off the hook. Now I have no idea why I was in the hospital, nor do I care. I am not pressing charges of any kind, and since I won't press charges, the state has to drop it's case." I took a few deep breath's leaning on my crutches, swaying, as my energy was fading. "It is this court's finding, that in light of the current information, we have no choice but to release Mr. Richardson, on account of no murder. It is ALSO this courts finding that he will be paid restitution to any inconvenience he may have suffered, and we give our deepest apologies to you." I started hobbling out of the courtroom, followed by 100's of reporters, as I went back to the car, back to the hotel. Back to my room. I needed to get my stuff. I remember hearing an interview... vaguely. I was too weak to really listen. As I got back to my room, it had amazingly been untouched, there was yellow tape around Brian's room tho. Police tape. And blood stains. I winced, as I started to remember what happened while I was unconscious. I could feel the blows, as if they were fresh. I fell against the wall, and slid down, as I stared at the site. It must have been a few hours later, I had been alone.. on the floor, too weak to get up. I heard what sounded like a party coming off the elevator. I grabbed my crutch, as if to use it as a weapon, not knowing what was about to happen. I saw a few men in suits, and what looked like the guys in normal clothes. No one had seen me, as if I was a ghost, and they all congratulated each other. I saw one on the phone, and heard a ringing come from my pack behind my door. I felt something hit my leg, and I think I heard it fall, but my vision was blurry. It must have fallen, I heard an "OHFF, what the hell!" And everyone looked to see what he fell on. All eyes were on me, but no one moved, not even me. We sat there for what seemed like an eternity. "Well I guess we have you to thank for this celebration, and for not pressing charges. Were all glad you made it in the nick of time." I blinked at him. I know he was talking, but I couldn't hear him. I was too far gone. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked to see it was Kevin, also saying something I couldn't make out. I think he was crying.. or were they my tears? "Jon, I didn't..we didn't mean to" he said... But I just blinked at him, cause it was all foggy. I saw AJ and Howie come to me as well... And Brian with Nick in tow. But nothing could prepare them for what happened next, as I grabbed my crutch and stood up, the voices blurred into one "STOP TORMENTING ME!" was all I heard. As I leaned on one crutch, I used the other, holding it like a bat. I could feel the blows being dealt to me. I could feel their feet. The look in my eyes could have been nothing but hatred. I slowly opened my door, and started to retreat into it, holding my crutch as if to fend off anyone that would hurt me. As I sank into my room, I spun my head from side to side, watching them all, closely. And closed my door. Immediately my feet gave out, and a small thud was heard as I hit the ground. I don't know if it was exhaustion, or just the memories flooding me, of what my body suffered. I slowly crawled to my bed, muttering "stop tormenting me" as I got their, I realized, I wasn't going to be able to get onto it. So I just curled up, grabbing my ribs. A screech of pain shot through my mouth, and before I realized what was happening, tears flooded down my eyes. I couldn't stop the sobs, nor the tears. I heard the lock on my door click, but my crutch was on the other side of the room still. As I cried, I kept saying "stop tormenting me" as it was all I could think of. Nick looked down at my form, and then around the room for sight of my previous weapon, not that he thought I was in any condition to use it, but in case. He noticed the crutch was at his feet, and thus wasted no more time coming down to the ground to help me. I could see the others in the door. Kevin watching from furthest back, Brian not to far from him, not knowing what would be of more use. As I slumped up to sit, I felt all the pain enter me. I looked at Nick wondering if they were there to finish the job they messed up last time. His eyes were so reassuring that his intentions weren't to harm me. I saw another figure push past the others. I saw long brown hair come through my door, as she pushed aside everyone else but Nick. There was a calmness in her that I had never known before. She opened her mouth, and brushed the hair off my face, while Nick held me. What I heard next was no less than an angels voice. As if called down from the heavens she sang to me. "If lives were meant to be, And fate was just a friend. Would you look upon me now, As you looked upon me then. If this life were all anew, Would your heart call out for you? Would your memories remain, Would your heart severe the pain? Cause I call upon a prayer, In hopes your name lies there. I look into your eyes, And let the tears that call commence. Coming from a place, Where happiness is not at all...
But listen to my voice, As I call inside your head. Return a love to me, Eternal friend. If your heart beats ever true. Then you hear me call to you. Calling out to you, Eternal friend. Eternal Friend. (drag friend out)"
She wiped the tears from my face, as I seemed to come alive in her presence. Her voice had awakened a piece of my soul long dormant, long frozen over with fear and pain. Hurt had caused it to freeze, and love freed me from the coldness of loneliness once more. All the guys seemed moved by her voice. And by her demeanor. She paid them no mind, and looked at me as if I was the only person in that room. Maybe it was she who had kept me alive in the hospital. Her voice must have called me back. She reminded me of Gracie in a lot of ways, but in a lot of ways she stood out. My hand reached for her face, and stroked her cheek softly, as I fell from Nick's arms, and into hers.
After a few minutes, everyone started filing into my room. I tried my best to cover Gwen up, not knowing if they were here to attack or not. I used my body as a shield, wincing as I did, but not letting anyone get to her without going through me. I searched nervously for a weapon, anything I could use to defend us, but in my condition, I was best off as a human shield. She looked at my nervous face, and then at the guys. She too became a bit nervous... Because of who they were more so than out of fear. "Don't hurt her!" I looked at Kevin, and held to my post. "Kill me if you must, but don't hurt her!" Everyone's face registered shock. Except Kevin. His look was more of guilt. He started to back away as Gwen stared at me, and started piecing things together. "Wait why would he touch me.or you Jon. He wasn't the one who.." She looked at him. Now she was shocked, and angry. "Wait, YOU put him in the hospital!?!" She stared at Kevin. He solemnly nodded his head, and AJ and Howie stepped forward "We were there too, it wasn't him alone. Now I was shocked... I tried to crawl away, and Nick held me. I squinted my eyes tightly, as if anticipating them to all come at me, as he held me.
My body quivered, and my eyes stung, but I refused to cry. If they were to kill me, so be it. I wouldn't give them a single tear. Nick started making soothing noises to help calm me, but I waited for the last moments of my life to pass me, hoping they'd stop at me, and leave Gwen alone. My body started going numb, and the feelings in my arms were leaving my body. The tension left with it, as did the sturdiness in my back. I started to slump a bit, from lack of energy, and lack of will to keep fighting the numbness. I let my eyelids close slowly, not caring what else happened, because I couldn't do anything either way here and now. "Why....." I said, as I laid in Nick's arms. And awaited my answers.... not sure if I really wanted to know the answer to the question but asked anyhow. "Why?" I said, in the direction I thought was AJ, Howie, and Kevin. Wondering how they could do what they did. And then I turned to Brian, "I guess you won't have to worry about me tormenting you anymore now will you?" and took a deep shallow breathe. All the while Nick stared down at me, half wanting to know what I was asking. And I awaited the answer. "Jon..." Brian started...
TBC.. kinda long? Left off at a good time to did I not? LOL. Later.