Brian's Lost Love By Billy Burrew
Disclaimer: This story is fiction. This story does not imply anything about the sexuality of the Backstreet Boys. If you are under 18 and/or are offended by gay writing, please don't read this. Otherwise, please read on....
Brian hated hospitals, everything smelled funny, and everyone was always upset despite the fact that the nurses always tried to keep things cheery. The Backstreet Boy's Public Relations Department thought it would be nice for the guys to go to local Orlando hospitals and visit with some of the sick kids and teens there. Brian, despite his adversity to hospitals, had agreed to go along with the idea and looked forward to brightening up a little kid's day. Unfortunately, it became clear rather quickly that their presence was causing some friction between the hospital staff , the fans and the media which seemed to know where they were going and had camped out in and around the children's wing of the hospital. Brian's apprehension increased tenfold while they all sat in the one examination room, waiting for the hospital security to secure the children's ward from the press and fans. As they waited a patient across the hall began to go into cardiac arrest and Brian immediately got up and tore off running down the hall. After turning a few corners, Brian slowed his pace as his anxiety level began to level off a little and he began to peer into the rooms as he passed them. He suddenly stopped walking as he saw a BSB poster taped to the wall of the one room. Brian smiled, thinking this might be a good sign to enter and begin to do what he had come here to do. As Brian entered the room, he looked around to see who might be the owner of the poster. The other bed in the room was empty and Brian looked around the half closed curtain to see who the occupant of the other bed might be. Brian was surprised to see a young man, probably a year older than him sitting there looking off towards the window. The young man was handsome, despite looking a bit thin and drawn from his hospital stay, his short golden blond hair was cut Caesar style and added a striking look to the man. After a few minutes of watching the young man, Brian cleared his throat and the head of the young man turned towards him.
"Hello? Who's there? Is that a nurse?", the young man asked.
Brian was puzzled at the young man's response as he was standing less than three feet from the bed.
"No. Hi. I just was walking by and wanted to see if you minded someone visiting.", Brian smiled.
"Oh!", the young man exclaimed, "A visitor?!? That'd be awesome. I haven't talked to anyone since I got here a month or so ago."
"Wow!", Brian exclaimed without thinking, "You've been here for over a month and no one's come by to visit?"
"Yeah.", the young man replied sadly, "I am new to Florida and don't have any relatives that would bother."
"Oh....I am sorry.....I didn't mean it to sound like......", Brian stuttered.
"No....no problem....you're here now so I couldn't be happier.", the young man said, with great intensity to his voice. "Where are you, by the way? I can't see....anymore" "Here I am!", Brian said, walking up to the bed and grabbing the young man's hand.
"Wow....there you are!", the young man laughed. "You'll have to excuse me....the blindness thing is kinda new to me."
"No problem", Brian stated, pulling up a chair beside the bed and sitting down.
"So.....", the young man stated chuckling lightly, "What are YOU in for???"
"I am just visiting....", Brian said laughing, "...I had some free time this weekend and thought I'd stop in and see who I could sit with."
"Well that's awesome!", the young man exclaimed, "I am glad you picked my room.....er...Why did you pick my room?"
Brian laughed, "I saw your posters and thought I'd come in and see who belonged to them.
"Oh....my Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, and 98 Degrees posters?", the young man said less than cheerily. "I thought I told that nurse that she could take them down now that I can't see them anymore."
"Maybe she thought you'd get your sight back?", Brian said trying to cheer the young man up a little.
"No.....it's gone.....Next is either speech, mobility, or hearing. I hope hearing goes last...I think I would just try to suicide if I couldn't at least listen to my music anymore.", the young man said sadly as tears began to roll down his face.
Brian nodded, wiping away the tears that had begun to fall from his own eyes.
"So....you're a big fan, huh?", Brian asked, changing the subject a little.
"Yeah. I have all the albums, a lot of the singles, and had watched almost all their specials. I even got to go see NSYNC and 98 Degrees in concert before I moved here. They signed my posters there. They're all awesome.", the young man responded warming to topic.
"Wow!", Brian exclaimed, "Did you get to see the Backstreet Boy's concert?"
"No..", the young man sighed sadly, "Their tickets sold out too quickly."
"Oh...", Brian responded, "That's too bad. So who do you like best?"
"Which band?", Bill smiled. "I like Lance best from NSYNC, Jeff from 98 Degrees, and I am sorta torn on the Backstreet Boys. Kevin was more my favorite cause he seems so nice and he's so close to my age, he's only 2 days older than me.....But....Brian...I kinda think he's pretty cool and all. He sort of inspires me. He was so brave when he had his surgery that I kinda think...he's more my favorite. Hopefully I can face this like he faced his operation, with no fear."
"But he was scared....really scared!", Brian said quickly adding, "I bet!"
"Yeah....but he had his friends with him and you know he didn't show them he was afraid. That's the way I wanna be...No Fear!", the young man said, nodding his head.
"I....I dunno....I think It's OK to be afraid sometimes.", Brian said, touching his chest, remembering how scared he was before and after his operation.
"So....you're a fan too, I assume?", the young man responded. "I think one of the reasons I moved here after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend is cause I thought I might run into one of the guys that live around here sometime and just, you know, chat them up and be friendly. I am not all into that screaming and rending of clothes....but those guys seem like they'd all be nice and friendly."
"Yeah.", Brian responded, "They seem to like their fans and wouldn't seem to mind hanging with them. So.....you are single, huh?"
"Yeah. When I found out I had this terminal condition, my parter of six years decided that he and I were thru. He packed up my stuff and left it on the porch of our house and changed the locks.", the young man stated sadly.
"Really?", Brian asked shocked at the treatment, "He put all your stuff on the porch? What a jerkoff!"
"Yeah!", the young man replied, "It was a stroke of good luck, tho. I put all my stuff in storage and went and visited my sister in DC/VA to tell her what had happened. While I walked around DC, I went into a liquor store on 17th St. and played the Powerball Lotto....I found out the next day I won! I kinda got the last laugh on my ex....cause he ain't getting NOTHIN!"
Brian laughed, "How much did you win?"
"140 million dollars", the young man stated, "about 85 million after taxes"
Brian's eyes bugged out, "Wow! He's probably kickin' himself in the ass, huh?"
"Yeah!", the young man laughed, "I wish I was kickin him there too!"
"So....if you don't mind me askin'?", Brian asked, "What's your condition?"
"Fine.....now that you're here", the young man laughed, "Seriously....I have a slow spreading cancer in my brain. They tried to use drugs to fight it off, and it didn't work, so they're just waiting til it spreads its way through my brain til it hits something vital and I am gone!", the young man said sadly.
"Oh.", Brian said flatly, despite the tears streaming down his cheeks, "How long do they think you have?"
"Dunno?", the young man said. "Could be months, could be tomorrow."
"Whoa", Brian said, "The not knowing is a real pain."
"Yeah", the young man replied sourly but then grinned, "speaking of not knowing......who are you....I don't even know your name!"
"Who? Me? I am Thomas.....good to meet you....?" Brian laughed, feeling kinda bad that he had to fib to the blind young man.
"Joshua", the young man replied, "but please call me Josh"
"OK Josh", Brian said.
The curtain swung open at that second as the nurse came in carrying a tray of food for Josh.
"Hello", the nurse said looking at Josh, "How are you today Josh?"
"Fine....Really GOOD! I have a visitor!", Josh said excitedly.
"Really? Who is it?", the nurse said cheerfully, then dropped the tray with a loud crash as she saw Brian.
Brian shook his head and waved his hands at the nurse as she put her hand over her mouth.
"What happened Thomas?", Josh questioned, moving his head and looking around more out of habit than necessity.
"The nurse just tripped and dropped your tray.", Brian half-lied, "I am gonna go out and get a new one with her for you."
"OK", Josh replied, "I hope she's OK."
Brian grabbed the arm of the dumbstruck nurse and lead her out of the room quickly and away from Josh's earshot.
"OH MY GOD!", the nurse cried, "You're one of those Backstreet Guys he's always talking about! He must be THRILLED!! Wait a minute.....I thought he said your name is Brian tho, not Thomas!"
"I am sorta here undercover, Miss, I am visiting him and just wanted to get to know what he's like before he gets starstruck...so I told him my name is Thomas, which it is....its my middle name.", Brian explained quickly
"OH!!! OK!!", the nurse nodded, "That's cool. He's a really awesome guy. He's crushed about losing his eyesight and all. He said the worst part was that he's never be able to see y'alls faces again! He's really a sweet guy. I can't imagine why his family abandoned him like they did."
"No!", Brian said lowly, "I didn't know that they had....I thought he said they were all dead or something."
"Yeah. Evidently, he didn't give them enough money to make them happy so they just don't bother with him.", the nurse stated grabbing two more food trays and walking back towards the room.
"I'll take those to him.", Brian said, "Can I stay and visit a while longer?"
"That's why he has two trays now. One is for you! He needs the company and you seem to get along well.", the nurse smiled.
"Thanks!", Brian smiled.
"Joshua", the nurse called out as she entered the room, "Thomas wanted to know if he could stay here and keep you company through lunch."
"Yeah!", Josh grinned. "What are we having?"
"Chicken breast and macaroni and cheese, yogurt and apple juice.", the nurse smiled.
"Cool!", Brian grinned, "I love Macaroni and cheese!"
Josh and Brian made quick time of lunch and began to chat in earnest after Brian cleared away the dishes and began to help clean up the slightly messy Josh.
"You know....", Josh stammered as Brian picked up all the stray pieces of food that had fallen off the blind man's tray and onto his chest, "I had 26 years of eating experience, you'd think I'd be able to hit my mouth without having to use my eyes."
Brian laughed and finished cleaning the debris off of Josh's hospital gown.
Josh grabbed Brian's hand and squeezed it lightly, "I wanted to say thank you for visiting with me today. I am sure there are better places a nice guy like you could be instead of a hospital picking up after a blind gay guy."
Brian frowned and then replied, "You know....I hate hospitals. But I think sittin here chattin with you has been the most fun I have had in a long time."
Josh moved his hand off Brian's hand and moved it up to his arm and then to his neck then face. Josh put his hands on Brian's face trying to gather by touch what his eyes would have told him about the young man in front of him had he not lost his sight.
"Hmmm....", Josh replied, "I guess I can finally say I have figured out two things. One...I am never gonna be able to do this blind thing...cause two, I just tried to figure out what you looked like by using my hands and all I could figure out is that you have a face and that you need to shave your chin better."
Brian laughed, "Oh....I have a face....that's a start!"
"Yeah...I guess so!", Josh chuckled.
A ringing stopped any further conversation as Brian's cell phone began ringing.
"Lemme get the phone, Josh", Brian said quickly picking it up and speaking a greeting into it.
A few minutes later, Brian hung up and walked over to Josh's bed.
"Hey Josh? I have to go.....Would it be all right if I came back to visit tomorrow?", Brian said disappointed at having his day with Josh cut short.
"All right....It'd be AWESOME!", Josh said, a tear falling down his cheek.
"KEWL!", Brian said. "I'll drop in tomorrow before lunch again."
"OK", Josh replied quietly.
Brian, on impulse, walked over to the bed, sat down on the side and used the back of his hand to wipe away the tear off Josh's cheek.
"I'll be back....I won't let you down. I promise!", Brian stated, leaning over and pulling Josh into a warm hug. As he pulled back, Brian kissed Josh lightly on the cheek.
"I can't wait til tomorrow!!", Josh replied fervently as Brian said goodbye and walked out the door.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Brian's thoughts were a muddle of confusion, sadness, and joy. He was overjoyed to meet Josh, who was such an nice, open, honest, caring, nice guy. He was profoundly sad when he thought of Josh dying, and he was confused by his own actions towards Josh, kissing and hugging him, and being excited that he was single and gay. Up til that day he hadn't considered himself anything but straight, but now he had to admit that he was powerfully attracted to Josh, with his handsome blond good looks and great upbeat personality.
Brian reached the apartment where he lived with his cousin and fellow bandmate, walking in and seeing all the guys standing around, obviously waiting for him.
"What's up guys?", Brian asked curiously.
"Where have you been all day?", Kevin asked. "We were so worried when you bolted out of the examination room."
"Oh....jeez....I am so sorry.", Brian groaned, forgetting the earlier events had happened, "I actually found a older fan in one of the rooms down the hall and stayed all afternoon chatting with him."
"Really?", the guys said in unison.
"Yeah. He was cool!", Brian grinned.
"He must have been da bomb to get you to stay in the hospital so long. You HATE hospitals!"
"He is. His name is Josh. He's a big fan of us, NSYNC and 98 Degrees.....", Brian stated then began to choke, as the color left his face.
"Brian? You OK?", Kevin said, sitting Brian down and then sitting down beside him.
"Yeah.", Brian croaked, "It's just that I never told him who I was so I could get to know him like I was a normal person. He was so awesome. We had so much fun talking....only....he's just lost his sight from a slow terminal spreading cancer in his brain....."
The guys looked at Brian sadly as the tears came anew to his eyes.
"I asked him who his favorite was...", Brian choked out between sobs, "He said it was Kevin at first cause they're the same age, then he said he liked me cause he wanted to be "fearless" like me when I was in the hospital for my surgery. His eyesight is gone and he said that he might lose his hearing or mobility or ability to talk next. He said he was so bummed out that he couldn't look at our posters anymore that if his hearing went next and he couldn't listen to any music that'd he'd just end it all....suicide."
"Oh!", Nick said, and Brian looked up to see tears on all the boy's faces, but Kevin and Nick were both verging on sobbing.
"Terminal cancer?", Kevin sobbed, remembering how he lost his father to cancer.
"Yeah.", Brian nodded, "But he has such a great attitude towards everything, and he's so funny. He told me how he got the last laugh on his ex-boyfriend and I almost fell over laughing!"
'Ex-boyfriend? He's gay!", Howie asked, his eyebrows raised.
"Yeah.", Brian nodded, "He found out he had the cancer and his roommate packed up all his stuff, threw it on the back porch of their house and changed the locks on all the doors. Isn't that like FUCKED?!?!?"
"Oh my God, YEAH!", Nick nodded, his mouth hanging open in astonishment, "that is FUCKED!!"
"So he stored all his stuff and went to DC to visit his sister and played the lottery and WON $140 million bucks!", Brian laughed, "Then he cut his ex out of the will and made sure he knew what he missed. Isn't that da BOMB?!?"
Howie laughed, "Yeah...that is funny as shit!! His boyfriend was probably pissed!"
I can't wait to see him again tomorrow!", Brian exclaimed
"Cool!", AJ said. "You're gonna go visit him again?"
"Yeah!", Brian stated, "I promised him I'd come by and chat before lunch.
"Cool", Nick said. "Can I come?"
"Not this time. I just wanna chat with him some more and tell him who I really am and then I want us all to go and surprise him. He's gonna love it. We have to get a poster signed so we can give it to him. He has signed ones from NSYNC and 98 Degrees already."
"OK", Nick responded. "I can't wait to meet him either."
The guys all voiced their eagerness to meet Brian's new friend as well.
Brian stole through the halls with a big bag of McDonald's burgers, fries and 2 shakes and sodas to Josh's room where he found him sitting quietly gazing out the window. Brian entered silently and looked at him, memorizing all the little details of his handsome face before walking closer to the bed.
"Hello? Thomas? Is that you?", Josh's voice said with an anxiousness that made Brian's heart leap into his throat.
"Yeah....it's me Josh....I brought food." Brian stated, lifting the bags onto the bed-desk and pulling out the contents of each.
"Mmmmm.....McDonalds!", Josh smiled, "See...even a blind man knows that smell!"
"Yep", Brian laughed, leaning down and pulling Josh into a big hug.
"Thanks!", Josh smiled, his bottom lip quivering a little and a tear rolling down his cheek, "I think I stayed up half the night trying to remember when was the last time someone hugged me."
"Well...", Brian grinned, "I am a hugger, so I will do that often."
"Good", Josh said, "I like being hugged."
As usual, Brian and Josh made short work of their lunch and their conversation began shortly after Bill cleaned himself up.
"I wanted to thank you for visiting with me again....", Josh began as Brian pulled off the last of the stray fries from his gown then sat down on the bed beside Josh.
"The privilege has been all mine!", Brian stated quickly. "I wanted to thank you....for giving me courage I didn't know I had."
"What courage?", Josh asked.
"Well, before yesterday", Brian began, "I considered myself completely straight. But I think, after sitting with you yesterday and talking like we did, I developed a bit of a crush on you. You said that Brian inspires you, well, you inspire me. Just watching you deal with your condition, your ex...and your family really puts me in awe of you. I don't think I have ever before met such an attractive person inside or out before in my life."
"Wow! Really?", Josh grinned as he turned to face Brian, "Thanks. I spent almost all night up thinking of you and how no one has ever made me feel as special as you made me feel yesterday."
Brian leaned towards Josh and touched the side of his face as he pulled him in, kissing him deeply on the lips. As they kissed, an almost kharmic feeling overcame the two of them and both knew they were right for each other.
As Brian drove home that afternoon after leaving the hospital, he was overwhelmed by the feelings of love and happiness he had towards Josh. As he entered the apartment, he realized that he had forgotten to tell him who he really was and that the rest of the guys wanted to meet him as well.
Kevin smiled as he saw the sparkle in Brian's eyes.
"Hey Cuz!", Kevin smiled, "How was your visit?"
Brian nodded and sat down beside him. He turned towards Kevin with a black face and said, "Kevin....I don't want to disappoint you but I don't wanna lie to you either. I am gay, and I think I am falling in love with Josh."
Kevin smiled and hugged his younger cousin.
"Duh!", Kevin stated smiling, "I already knew....I could tell. I have never seen any girl make you so happy. I thought you were falling in love yesterday and your eyes told me so today. I am so happy for you. I am just worried now about you when he dies."
"Us too!", the voices from behind Brian said, causing both Brian and Kevin to jump. AJ, Nick, and Howie stood there looking concerned.
Brian smiled as the guys came over and gave him a group hug.
"Everything will be allright!", Nick said.
Brian and the rest of the boys made their way quietly this time, through the hospital to Josh's room. Brian walked in and stopped, the blood leaving his face as he looked over at Josh's bed where a nurse and a doctor stood looking down at the prone Josh. Brian walked over to the doctor and asked if everything was OK?
The doctor shook her head and replied, "No sir. The cancer has spread quicker that we thought. He's alive, but barely. It seems he can hear us, and he writes out his answers on that notepad, but he stopped talking last night after you left and we had to hook him up to a ventilator last night after he had some problems breathing. At this rate of deterioration, He won't make it but another day or so.
Brian stood back stunned and turned around as the tears began to fall freely from his eyes. As he turned, he realized that Kevin and the guys were directly behind him and Kevin grabbed him up into a tight hug as Brian began to weep openly.
A tapping sound caused Brian to look at the bed where Josh hand, holding a pencil tapped on the notepad beneath. Brian inhaled sharply and ran to the side of the bed, sitting beside Josh as he had yesterday and kissing him on the forehead while squeezing his hand. Brian looked down at the notepad and began to read.
Hi Brian- I am so sorry I didn't stay strong on any longer. I figured out who you were yesterday when a nurse let it slip that she saw a Backstreet Boy in this room the other day. I knew it was you. I want to tell you that I understand that you wanted to be friends with me rather than having me be all starstruck by you. I also want to say that I love you with all my heart (Thomas) Brian. Not BSB Brian. I never got a chance to meet him. The Brian I met was the most wonderful man I have ever met in my life. I wish I had met you years ago and under different circumstances. I know you will be upset when I die, but I want you to know that I will be looking down on you from where ever I am. Brian...I love you.
-Joshua
Brian began to sob loudly as he finished the note, burying his head on Josh's chest. Brian watched in tears as Josh reached his hand out and neatly removed the tears from his face.
The hand then moved back to the notepad and began to write again.
WOW! I can see you now....this cancer must be getting bad. Please don't cry. Please. Crying makes me so sad. I see the guys are here too. Tell them I say "Hi!" and that I am a big fan. Sing for me while I can still hear you. Sing something nice. No tears, Brian. I want to look on you for the last time and remember you and the guys singing with your beautiful voices!
Brian turned around to the guys and showed them the notes. Through red, tear stained eyes, they agreed.
Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound That save a wretch like me! I once was lost But now am found Twas blind but now I see
Twas grace that taught my heart to fear And grace my fear relieved How precious did that grace appear The hour I first believed.
The Lord has promised good to me His word my hope secures; He will my shield and portion be, As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail, and mortal life shall cease, I shall possess within the veil, A life of joy and peace.
Through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come; 'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far And grace will lead me home.
As the final words were spoken Brian looked up at the bed and saw that Josh had stopped breathing, his beautiful eyes closed for the last time in permanent sleep. Brian walked over to Josh's bedside, pulled off his ventilator and kissed him one last time on the lips. "I love you Josh, watch over me and wait for me." Brian then kneeled down and prayed. "Lord, take Joshua, my love, into your bosom, protect him and care for him always."
Brian stood back from the bed as the doctors came in, and pulled the sheet up over Josh's face. As they wheeled the bed out of the room, they paused by Brian as he put a hand over Josh's chest,lowering his head once more in silent prayer, then the orderlies wheeled the body out. As Brian turned to leave, the chief of staff walked up to him and queried, "Are you Brian Thomas Litrell?"
Brian nodded
"I was supposed to give you these two documents after his death. One is his last will and testament and the second is a personal note that you are to read first.
Brian-
If you are reading this note, then I am dead. I want to tell you, if I didn't have a chance before I died, that I loved you more in the short time we have known each other than anyone I have ever known. As you know, my family and ex have been cut out of my will. I also refuse to give up control of my estate to the state so I called in the hospital lawyers to help me draw up a will. That is the other document you hold in your hand. I have decided to name you, Brian Litrell, as my primary benefactor in this will. You will receive in lump-sum all my inheritance. I trust that you will put this money to good use through charities and fundraisers as well as leaving yourself and the guys a fair amount to pad yourselves down the road. Please live well, prosper, and do right by each other. Again, I love you Brian, and I know I will see you again in heaven.
-Josh -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cut to 35 years later......
Kevin , Nick and AJ, the last surviving members of the original Backstreet Boys, stand around the Intensive Care Unit as Brian, whose heart problems have gotten increasingly worse over the last 5 years, lays quietly on the bed, clutching a piece of paper in one hand. As the EKG flatlines for the 3rd time in as many hours, the doctors run in to try to revive the ailing man. Their efforts prove to be not enough. Tears roll off Kevin's face as he watches his cousin Brian die. Kevin sees a slight smile touch Brian's face as with great effort he holds up the note and speaks a final word with his last breaths, "Josh.....".
The End
Tell me what you think. I love getting emails. I know this was kinda a downer story, but I just had to write it. It was kickin around in my head and I just had to get it out.
Please send all emails to: billy_burrew@yahoo.com