You've been waiting long enough for this one to come out, methinks, so I'm going to forego the usual ramble. Rest assured, I still owe as much to everyone as I always do, and I still love all the people I normally love. ;)
Especially you, boo. SHMILY :)
The disclaimer stays the same as always, too: Nothing in this story is meant to in any way represent anything having to do with real life. If you shouldn't be reading this, don't read it. If there's nothing stopping you from reading and you feel like doing so, I hope you enjoy it. I take no responsibility either way. ;)
Thanks, everyone, for being so patient.
The Sun From Both Sides
PART 6
Andy came by just as I was finishing my breakfast. She hadn't been kidding about the food, either. I had had worse meals in hotels. I smiled a little as I saw her come in, and moved the tray to one side of the bed. Noting the smile, she gave me a quizzical look, then took the tray and set it on the table across the room.
"Can you help me up?" I asked her, trying to raise myself from the reclined sitting position I had been in to eat. Andy crossed back to me and took my arm. She put her other arm behind me and pulled me up and around until I was sitting with my legs dangling over the edge of the bed. I slid off of the mattress and stood up, bringing my arms up and putting them around her.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, feeling her arms close around me as well. "And before you ask, yes, I know what I'm apologizing for. I'm sorry for scaring you. I'm sorry I didn't fight harder, and I'm sorry I didn't have enough faith in either one of us to let you help me. If it takes me the rest of my life, I'll make it up to you. If you'll let me try."
When I pulled away from her, I saw tears in the corners of her eyes, and realised that they were in mine as well. "I'm sorry," I said again.
She searched my eyes for a moment, and then nodded. "Okay." I sighed in relief. "I'll let you try to make it up to me," she added, making us both laugh.
I took her hand and led her over to the small sitting area in my room. "I called Dr. Lauler," I told her. "He's going to stop by this afternoon to set up some regular appointment times, and talk a little bit about what it's going to take for me to get out of here."
She brightened visibly. "That's great! I'm glad you finally came to your senses. What finally brought you around?"
I blushed and looked away for a minute.
"Nate? What's going on? What made you decide to stick this out?"
"Brian."
"What did Brian do? Last time you two were together, you wound up here--" She cut herself off, realising that she sounded very much like her father had the night before, right before I had hit him. "What I mean is--"
"I know what you mean," I assured her. "I'm not going to hit you, too. I owe Dad a huge apology when they come today."
"He understands. Not that you don't owe him an apology, but he understands. He knew he was pressing your buttons. But, he's not here right now and right now I need an explanation as to what Brian did that none of us could."
"Nick came to see me last night."
I could tell by the expression on her face as she nodded that she was wondering what that had to do with Brian. "We met him in the hall when we were leaving. Brian wasn't with him, though."
"I know. But because of my fight with Dad, the doctor wanted to give me a sedative or some sort of wonder drug in another needle, and he ordered Nick to leave. I wanted him to stay, and got into a bit of an argument with the doctor about it."
"Did you win?"
"Do I ever lose?"
"Only when you go against me," she said with a smile.
"Anyway, Nick stayed with me until I fell asleep, and we talked about a few things. Just before I actually passed out, he told me that Brian was really hurting over what I did."
"Duh."
I knew that she was trying to get me to smile, and my heart thanked her for it, but I couldn't do it. "Andy, once you get past a certain point, you stop thinking about how other people are going to react and how they're going to be affected. Thinking about it doesn't stop you, it just makes you feel worse. I don't know how to explain it, really. Oddly enough, it's like a survival instinct. Anything keeping you from your goal isn't even thought about.
"Of course I knew that Brian wouldn't take it well. The same with you, Mom, Dad, Erron, and everyone else. But I couldn't think about that. It just added to all the crap that I was already feeling crushed under. But when Nick told me about Brian and how he wasn't even eating, I had to stop and think about it. I couldn't think very clearly, with whatever was in that needle making my brain mushy, but it got through a little bit."
Andrea nodded to let me know that she understood. She didn't, of course. Not fully. It was one of those things that you really had to experience to even come close to fully understanding it. But she understood enough to make a pretty good guess at the rest of it.
"I slept for a few hours, I guess. I woke up when the lights were turned on and Brian pulled my blankets off of my bed. He looked like he was ready to kill someone."
"What was he doing here? Did he hurt you?"
"No, he didn't lay a finger on me. To explain why he was here, I'll have to fill you in on a couple of things. The first is why I left Brian in the first place." She perked up at that, eager to finally find out what had happened. "But, before I tell you, you have to promise me that you won't tell anyone else. Brian knows, and Nick. They might have told the rest of the guys, but I don't know about that."
"Why the secrecy?"
"That's just the way it has to be right now," I insisted.
Andrea gave me her word, and I spent the next ten minutes outlining my meeting with Jackie and Andrew, and exactly why I had felt I had to leave Brian rather than risk his and everyone else's careers.
"I'll kill them," she fumed when I was finished. Her hands clenched themselves into fists reflexively, and I lay my hand on her arm to calm her.
"No, you won't. That's why you can't tell anyone. Brian and I will handle both of them once I'm out of here. Until then, neither one of them hears a peep out of any of us about this."
I had lost her a sentence back. "You and Brian?"
"Me and Brian," I confirmed with a wry smile.
She didn't know how to react. I didn't blame her. I was still trying to get used to it myself. It all seemed so sudden. It was amasing how quickly everything could look differently.
"Tell me what happened last night."
"Brian came in here, like I said. He demanded to know what his parents had to do with my breaking up with him."
"How did he find out that they had anything to do with it?"
"I wondered that, too. I assume that you know Nick moved into the apartment that night?"
She nodded. "If he hadn't, you wouldn't be here."
"Believe me, I know," I assured her, looking briefly at the bandages again.
I was starting to get used to them being there, but I wasn't sure if that was any better than being surprised everytime I saw them. "Well, when he showed up that night, he brought dinner with him. While we were eating, Jackie called to warn me to stay away from Brian." Andy's eyes clouded over again. "I took the call in the hallway, but Nick saw enough to make him curious. He dialed *69 and found out that Jackie had called. After he left here last night, he must have gone to the hotel and told Brian about it."
"So Brian came charging down here to see what was up."
I nodded.
"What made you finally decide to tell him?"
"Two things. First was what Nick had told me about Brian's reaction to what I had done. The second was the thought that I was still going to do it."
"What?"
"I was still planning on killing myself," I said softly, but clearly. At this stage in things, beating around the bush seemed ludicrous. "I wasn't going to walk out of here, Andy."
"Jesus, Nate."
"I know. I thought that the least I could do was leave him with the truth.
I owed him that much. So, finally, I told him. By then he had guessed it was his mother. I filled in the rest for him and Nick."
"He must have been ready to kill her."
"He was, but I talked him out of it. That was when he said that he still wanted to be with me. He asked Nick to leave us alone, and he told me that he still loved me, and he wanted me back."
"What did you say?"
"I told him that it was impossible. That nothing had changed, and I couldn't ask him and the guys to give everything up just so that we could be together."
"Is that up to you to decide?"
I smiled. "That's exactly what he said. Then he said that I had been willing to give up everything to keep him safe, and it wasn't fair that I be the only one to make the decisions. I don't know why, but he started to make sense, Andy. Maybe it was the last bit of those drugs in my system, or lack of sleep or something, but he was making sense."
"But, what about the little matter of his wife?"
"Brian's going to take care of that. He's going to explain the situation to her when he gets back."
"What do you think she's going to do?"
"Honestly? I haven't a clue. Everything that I've ever heard about her has been good, but this is going to be quite a shock for her. Brian says that she knows that things aren't right between them, but I don't imagine she knows how wrong they are."
"You mean she doesn't know about you, or about him liking guys."
"That's exactly what I mean. I told him that it wasn't possible for us to be together because of the wedding, but he insists that he's going to set things right, no matter how she reacts."
"So--"
"So, I said yes. He told me to trust in him, and that things would turn out okay, and I agreed. I couldn't not agree with him. He was so certain that it would be okay. Then he kissed me." A slow smile spread across my face as I thought about how he had looked in that moment. What little pretense there ever was with Brian had been completely gone. He loved me and I loved him. It was amasing how powerful something so simple could be.
I knew that Andrea didn't know what to think. She was torn between her happiness that Brian and I were back together and her concern over what our being together had brought about before. I watched her closely, almost hearing the gears in her head turn, as she finally decided on happiness.
She smiled and hugged me again. "I'm glad. If he can do this to you, I'm glad."
I grinned back at her as I sat back again in my chair.
"So what's the plan for dealing with Brian's mom and this Andrew character?"
That was the question, wasn't it? "I don't know yet," I admitted. "But I have a feeling that I'm going to have a few weeks to figure it out at least." She looked confused. "They'll keep me in here for a while," I explained. "No matter how positive I seem, they'll want to make sure. If it's anything like last time, there's going to be a lot of meetings with Dr. Lauler, and probably group meetings if they have them in here. I'll have to suck up to the good doctor as well, probably. He's going to have to sign off on my release too."
She nodded her understanding. "Or you could be even more difficult. He'll be glad to see you go," she said with a smile.
I laughed and relaxed into the chair even more, then grew serious again. "This is going to be hard, Andy. Not the Jackie and Andrew thing. That will come in it's time, but I'm going to have a lot to deal with with Dr. Lauler. Everything with my parents is going to have to come up again, and all that happened with Brian, too."
"Do you need me here?" she offered immediately. "If you do, I can take a leave and move into the apartment for as long as it takes for you to get out of here and get home again."
I grabbed her hand, squeezing it in thanks and ignoring the spark of pain that it caused me. "No, that's not what I meant. You don't have to do anything that drastic. I just need to remind myself every little while that I'm not out of the woods. There's a good stretch ahead of me yet."
"We're here for you, you know. If you don't want me up here, I'm only a phone call away. Same goes with Mom and Dad."
"I know, and I'll be calling, I'm sure. What about Erron, Jeff and Cindy?" I asked. "I haven't seen them. How are they doing?"
Andy frowned. "Erron's really pissed at you for this. He's been trying to force himself to come and visit, but he's really upset. I'll go and talk to him again when I leave here today and see if I can't help him through some of it. Jeff wanted to come, but Cindy's been pretty upset too. He's not comfortable leaving her with Norry for very long. He's afraid of overwhelming her."
"Okay." I didn't know how I was going to make this up to them, but an explanation was going to be a good start. I placed it at the top of my mental to-do list.
"They'll come around," she tried to assure me, giving me a small smile. "Just give them some time."
I wasn't entirely sure that they would come around, though, no matter how much time I gave them. I had betrayed their friendships in different ways, but just as completely.
Erron knew about my first suicide attempt. While that wouldn't have fully prepared him for this one, at least it was something. He was under the impression that I had become stronger from it, and wouldn't have ever tried anything like that again. He would have known on some level that it was a possibility, but finding out that I had tried again would have gone a long way toward destroying his faith in me, and in the connection we had between us. It was that connection that I was going to have to work to rebuild.
With Jeff and Cindy, it was different. I knew that they were both probably just as upset about my being where I was, but Jeff felt the need to put on a brave face for both Cindy and Norry, who was now old enough to realise when something was wrong. Both were under the impression that this was the first time I had tried this, and so it would have come out of the blue for them. For people as unused to showing their emotions as they were, this must have been coming close to an overload.
I sighed and sat back completely in the chair, pulling both legs up under me. That long road that I had in front of me wasn't entirely made up of my recovery. There were a lot of bridges that I had burned, and now found myself in need of.
"Nate--" Andy started, but quieted at a gentle knock on the doorframe.
We both looked up as Mom and Dad entered the room. Remembering what had passed between Dad and I, I immediately felt about three inches tall.
"Hi," I said sheepishly.
"Son."
"How are you feeling?" Mom asked, sitting down in one of the chairs and giving Dad a disapproving look.
"Good." I smiled as I thought about what had happened after they had left the night before.
That got his attention. "And to what do we owe the change?"
"To whom," I corrected, still smiling. "Brian."
Mom's eyebrows went up, silently demanding an explanation.
"He and Brian are back together again," Andy helpfully provided, raising the eyebrows even more.
"Andy!"
She turned back to me with a smile. "What? You would have taken too long to tell it. That's the problem with you writers. You always use too many words."
That was another thing I had to think about. Was I still a writer? I remembered telling Andy that I had time to start another book since "Time's Garden" wasn't even out on the shelves yet, but that wasn't entirely true. If I had been on my game, I would have been well into the next book by now. But I hadn't even had so much as an idea since I sent off the final draft to Carrie months ago. Perhaps that part of my life was over now.
"Nate?"
I shook myself a little and realised that I hadn't been paying attention. "Oh, sorry. I spaced out there for a minute."
"How did this happen?" Mom asked, repeating the question that I had missed.
So I told them everything that had happened between us. I left out my explanation of why I had left Brian in the first place, deciding to wait until the situation had been settled before I brought them into it. Andy got her protective instinct from her mother, and I had barely managed to get her to agree not to confront Jackie. Adding that instinct with Mom's maternal one would be too volatile to control. Knowing her, she would have been on the next plane to Kentucky.
"So you're back together then," Dad said when I was finished. "And how long is it going to be for this time?"
"David!"
I put my hand on her arm to stop her. "It's okay. After last night, I think I owe you both all of the explanations you want. I know that I didn't tell you why I left him, but I had to. You saw us," I said, turning to face Dad. "Do you really think I would have done what I did if I could have avoided it?"
He didn't answer me. "So what's changed now?"
"Not a lot," I conceded. "But enough. There are still some obstacles to get over, but we're going to do that together."
"What makes you think you can get over them, if they were so huge before?"
"We love each other."
"Last night love wasn't enough."
"Last night I didn't know he still loved me like he does. My love for him wasn't enough on it's own." Maybe Andy was right. Maybe I did use too many words.
"So what happens now?" Mom asked, shooting her husband a look that made it clear that he wasn't to give me a hard time. I suppose she was worried about my 'fragile' condition.
I shrugged. "I have to get out of here before anything else. I called my psychiatrist last night while Brian was here. He's going to stop by today and set up some appointment times. I'll try and find out from him how long it's going to take before I go home again."
"Don't rush it," she warned.
"Dr. Lauler wouldn't let me if I tried," I assured her. "He's pretty tough when he has to be. But as soon as I get out, Brian and I are going to start working on being together again. Permanently." I said this last while looking directly at Dad.
"Nate, I know that I said some pretty harsh things about Brian last night, and I'm not going to apologise for them. Everything I said was true as I see it. If you hadn't met, you wouldn't be here." I started to argue with him, but he put his hand up to stop me. "However, if he's what it takes to get you back, then I'm glad you're back together. As long as he doesn't hurt you."
"He didn't hurt me, Dad. I hurt us both."
"Then don't to it again," he said, a hint of a smile playing at his lips.
I grinned. "I'll do my best," I promised. "And I'm sorry about what happened last night. I shouldn't have hit you."
His hand went to his jaw as he nodded, accepting my apology. "You know," he said, his smile growing. "For a sissy-boy, you throw quite the punch."
Mom gasped a little, then noted the smile on his face.
"Don't make this sissy-boy get out of this chair and kick your ass," I warned him. "With my luck they'd probably put you in here with me when I got done."
Dad laughed. "Aren't we feeling tough today? Big words coming from someone in a hospital bed."
"Cut it out you two, or I'll take a round out of both of you," Mom laughed, slapping me on the leg. "You're in no shape to be duking it out, and he's too old to put up much fight."
"Old!"
"Geezer," I agreed, smiling at him. It was nice to have the sombre atmosphere of the room lifted, even if just for a little while. I knew that it would descend again once I was left alone, but I hoped that some of it would linger, helping make it bearable. As nice as my room was, I was still in a hospital, and I needed every bit of comfort I could get my hands on.
We talked for a little while, before they decided that they had to leave. Mom and Dad were flying out later that day, so they had wanted to make sure I was okay before they left. Once I assured them that I was, and that I would call them if I needed anything, they seemed satisfied.
I got a quick hug from both of them. Mom added a kiss while Dad went with a handshake instead. Andy stood and gave me a long hug and a kiss on the cheek, announcing that she was going to go with them. Her flight wasn't until the next day.
"I probably won't be back tonight, unless Erron decides to come," she whispered as Mom and Dad walked out into the hall. "I want to see him, and then stop by Jeff and Cindy's. If I'm not back tonight, I'll be here in the morning."
"Okay," I nodded, hoping but not expecting that she was going to be able to talk Erron into coming. It was going to take him a little while to forgive me enough for that.
I watched her walk to the door before an idea struck me. "Andy?"
She turned back to face me.
"Is anyone still at the apartment?"
"No. I was already staying with Erron. Mom and Dad have been at a hotel, and Nick couldn't stay there after what happened."
"Can you go by and get a couple of things for me?"
"Sure." She came back and got a notepad out of her jacket pocket.
"The first thing I want is my computer. If I'm going to be stuck in here, I want access to my email." I was also hoping that having my computer with me might help me figure out if my brief tenure as a novelist was over.
"Okay," she noted.
"And if you look in the top right-hand drawer of my desk, there's a box of stationery in there. Paper and envelopes both. Celtic design running up the side of the box, as well as the paper. I want that, and my fountain pen from the middle drawer. The green one."
She wrote all of that down and then looked up to see if I was done. I almost told her that I was, when my mind went back to the computer, and trying to see if I was still going to be able to write. Instead, I added one more thing to the list.
"There's a black disk, no label on it. It's in the bottom right desk drawer. Grey disk holder, it's the last disk in there."
"What's on it?" she asked as she wrote it down.
"Just something I've been working on for a long time."
"Got it," Andy smiled, standing again. "If you think of anything else, give me a call. I've got my cell with me."
"Thanks, Andy."
"No problem. Now you behave yourself. Be nice to the cute doctor."
"You can have him," I laughed, standing with her and pushing her toward the door playfully. "He's a little too acerbic for my tastes. Perfect for you."
"Bitch," she grinned, joining her parents in the hall. They all waved at me as they turned the corner that, I assumed, led to the elevators.
As nice as it was, the room didn't have much in the way of entertainment. I contented myself with sitting and staring at the TV for a while, then moved on to the window instead. Watching the world move along without me made me more determined to get out of there as quickly as I could. I had known that it would do so, of course, but being around to see it wasn't something I had planned on.
My major accomplishment for the morning was getting dressed. While they were comfortable, the pajamas just didn't feel right as an all-day outfit. Once I was dressed, I shuffled myself around my floor, getting oriented and meeting some of the other staff before returning to my room and dropping into a chair again.
Brian showed up shortly before three, bearing gifts.
"Andy called and asked me to pick up this stuff, in case she didn't get back tonight." He set my computer, the stationary box, and a smaller box that I assumed held the pen, ink, and disk. He was also carrying a grocery bag. I hadn't a clue what it would have in it. "She said you were probably going nuts in here with nothing to keep you occupied." He took off his jacket and threw it into a chair.
I was actually having to control myself from leaping at the computer. Salvation from my boredom was only a point and a click away. He must have seen it in my expression, because he started to laugh. "Do I get a kiss before the computer does?"
I grinned and pulled him to me, giving him a kiss and putting my hand in his. He handed me the grocery bag with a smile. "I added this one myself. Thought you might want it."
Looking inside, I felt the smile come to my face immediately. I took the picture that normally sat at my bedside out of the bag and looked at it, then looked up at Brian's smiling face. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," he said, giving me another brief kiss. "I know that you're not going to be able to have it out anywhere, but I thought it would be nice for you to have while I can't be here."
I gave him another smile, then led him to the bedside table and set the picture on it. He was right about my not being able to keep it out all the time, but for now I wanted to be able to see it. "So what have you been up to today?"
"I would have been here earlier, but I spent half the day bringing the rest of the guys up to speed on what was going on."
"And how'd they take the news that I was worming my way back into their lives?"
"You're not worming your way anywhere," he smiled, dropping into a chair and pulling me down onto his lap. It felt so right and yet so alien to be there again. "You're back where you're supposed to be. I told them that."
"But that doesn't mean that they were happy about it." I wondered what it was that he wasn't telling me. He was avoiding looking me directly in the eye, so I reached out and took hold of his chin, turning his face to mine. "Tell me."
"Howie and Kevin are worried about all of this," he said softly. "Howie's afraid that I'm going to get hurt again, and Kevin's worried about everything else." Kevin I had expected. He was Brian's blood family, after all. Howie I hadn't known about.
"I managed to bring Howie around, I think," he continued. "Once I told him why you left, and what you did the other night, he wasn't as bad. He was upset, but not about us being together. He said to tell you to get well soon. That sounds more like something you'd say to someone with a cold, but it's the thought that counts, right?"
I smiled. "Right. So Howie's not going to take a round out of me when I get out of here?"
"I think you could take him," Brian joked, then saw that I wasn't entirely joking. I was very worried about how the rest of the guys were going to react to my being back with Brian. "No, Howie's not going to be a problem."
"And what about Kevin?"
"Kevin's glad we're back together, now that he knows why we weren't. He's not impressed with your stunt the other night, of course, but he said you can talk about that later. He's worried about everything else in this situation, though."
"Like?"
"Like you being in here, and my visiting. If word gets out that you're here, and why you're here, there are going to be a lot of questions. And it wouldn't be good for your career, either. He's worried about you.
"And he's worried that if I visit too much, we're going to get caught and have the whole thing come out in the press. Not to mention what my mother will do if she finds out that you and I are spending more time together, regardless of whether or not she knows that we're back together."
"Then you can't visit often," I said, drawing a frown from him. "Look, we have to be careful about this until we get it straightened out. You can come when you think it's safe and you can get away with it, but I don't want you taking any risks, and I don't want you doing anything that will raise eyebrows with management either."
"I'm going to visit."
"You'd better, but you better make sure it's safe, and don't push your luck."
"Nate--"
"I'll refuse to see you if I have to, Brian."
He sighed and gave in. "But, we're going to have to do something about this penchant you have for making decisions for other people."
"Let's talk about that after I'm out of here. Now what else is Kevin concerned about?"
"My mother. He thinks it's better if the five of us confront her and Andrew, and keep you out of it as much as possible. He doesn't think it's good for you to have to deal with that."
"No. He's right that I don't think I can handle it right now, but when I get out of here, we take care of this. If the rest of the guys want to help, that's great, but I'm there too. You make them promise just like I made you."
Brian surprised me by grinning. "I already did. He doesn't like it, but I have his word that they won't do anything until you and I decide it's time."
"Good."
"And he wants to know what this means for your writing. Andy said you haven't started anything new."
"I don't know," I admitted. "The new book is going to be on shelves in the spring, and I haven't got a clue if there's going to be a third. I haven't had a story idea in months."
"Not one?" Brian was clearly concerned now. While we were together, there had always seemed to be a new idea popping into my head. Writing had never been easier than it had been then. It didn't even seem like I had to think about it. The words just seemed to appear on the screen most of the time.
"Not one. That's part of the reason that I wanted my computer here. I want to see if there's anything left in my head worth writing."
"Give it some time," he counseled, smoothing the hair away from my temple. "It'll come back."
"I hope so. I'm not qualified to do much else," I said, trying to joke my way out of the situation. I really was afraid that I wouldn't be able to write any more.
Brian sensed my desire to lighten the mood, and joined in. "I could always hire you to carry my stuff around on tour. You could do my laundry, and get me snacks and stuff."
"And what exactly would I get in return for my services as your personal slave? I don't come cheap." I put my hand over his mouth before he could speak. "And one off-colour remark from you and you'll need a bed beside mine."
I felt the grin under my hand and let him speak again. "We could work out payment in trade. You provide me with a service, and I provide you with one." He leaned in and nuzzled my neck, making me smile.
"You're going to have to come up with a better offer than that if I have to wash your dirty underwear."
"Well that part you would be doing out of love," he laughed.
"There's not enough love in the world," I returned, pulling his head away from my neck and giving him a brief kiss.
He smiled, then looked me in the eye. "I know you've still got it in you, Nate. Give it time, and you'll be writing again. I'll have to take your computer away just to get your attention."
"I hope so."
"Ahem."
Brian and I both jumped and looked to the doorway. I was off of Brian's lap before I realised who it was. I made a note to close the door the next time Brian came to visit. Non-disclosure agreements or not, having someone see the two of us as we were in that moment was too big of a risk.
Luckily, I knew we could trust this visitor.
"Hello, Nathan."
I smiled. "Nate, please."
"Sorry. That's going to take some getting used to."
"It's okay. Come in, please." He did, pausing to close the door behind him. Whether his thoughts were the same as mine, or he just wanted privacy for our discussion, I'm not sure. "Dr. Lauler, this is Brian Littrell. Brian, this is Dr. Maxwell Lauler."
Brian stood and shook Dr. Lauler's hand. "Nice to meet you, sir."
"And you," he returned with a smile. "I assume that we have you to thank for my wake-up call this morning."
"I guess so," Brian grinned. "Unless there's another boyfriend that I don't know anything about."
"Brian Littrell..." Dr. Lauler repeated to himself. "Why does that name sound so familiar?"
"That's part of the reason that we can't let anyone know that he's here, or that we're together," I told him. "Brian's one of the Backstreet Boys. They're a group of--"
He waved me off. "I know who they are," he laughed. "I do listen to the radio, you know."
Brian gave me a smug look.
"So I take it that you're not out to the public, Mr. Littrell?"
"No, I'm not. It might not be the best career move."
"Brian's adored by about 95% of the teenage girls on the planet," I supplied helpfully, earning myself an elbow in the stomach.
"Why don't we sit?" Dr. Lauler suggested, taking a chair opposite the one Brian and I had been in when he arrived. Brian sat down again and was reaching for me when I took the chair beside his. He frowned slightly, but didn't argue.
It didn't feel right. It wasn't just that Dr. Lauler was an authority figure, and it wasn't that I didn't trust him. I had come to think of him more as a friend than a therapist in our earlier sessions, and I knew that I could open up with him. But there was something keeping me from cozying up to Brian with him in the room. From the look on his face, he noticed it too.
"No offense, Brian," he started, checking his notepad. "But I have to ask Nate if he's entirely comfortable with having you here while we talk. I assume that you won't be taking part in all of his sessions."
"No, he won't. He's got to get back to being a singing sensation," I smiled. "But I want him here today, if he doesn't mind. And any other time he's visiting, I guess. He knows pretty much everything that there is to know about me. The important stuff, anyway."
Dr. Lauler nodded and started taking notes. "So, Brian, you know that this is not the first time that Nate and I have worked together?"
"Yes sir. He told me that you were assigned to his case after the first time he--" Brian's voice failed him, and he cleared his throat. "The first time he tried this. And again after his parents died."
"And you know what led up to his first suicide attempt?"
Brian nodded. "He told me."
"Okay then. Now, what I'd like to do today is just get caught up with you again, Nate. Find out what's been going on with you since our last sessions, and arrange for regular appointments, both while you're in Westvale and after you're released."
"That's something I wanted to talk about too," I told him.
"I'm sure you're anxious already, but if you remember last time, there's going to be a bit of a process before you're released."
"What am I looking at?" I asked. "Assuming that all goes well? How long am I here, and what's involved in being released?"
"Average time would be about five weeks. You might be able to go home in a month, it might take a bit longer. That really depends on you, and on how things go. Before you're getting out of here, you're going to have to convince me, Dr. Fitzgerald, and basically everyone else in a position of authority that you come into contact with that you're stable and able to be on your own without trying this again."
"He won't," Brian jumped in to defend me.
"He can't say that for sure, Brian."
"He promised me," Brian protested, looking at me.
I took a deep breath and prepared to dissapoint him. "I shouldn't have promised that, Brian. I can't guarantee that it won't happen again. No one can."
"No--"
"A year and a half ago, I would have given you that promise in a second, because I honestly believed that it couldn't happen again, Brian. Look where I am now."
"But that wasn't your fault!"
"It wasn't anyone's fault, really. I can't really explain it to you, because you've never been there." I reached over and took his hand. "The best I can do is promise that I'll do my best."
"No, you can promise me that, if you ever ever get a thought in your head to do something like this again, you'll talk to me, or Andrea, or your parents. That you'll let us help you."
"I promise."
Brian looked from me to Dr. Lauler. "Is that the best I'm going to get out of him?"
He smiled. "I think it's the best he can give you, Brian. It means a lot that he's able to promise that so soon after landing himself in here."
Brian looked at me closely, then nodded. "Okay."
"Now, how long have you two been together?" Dr. Lauler asked, taking up his pen again. He was already taking notes before we could answer him. Probably his thoughts on my interaction with Brian.
I had snuck glances at his notepad before when I could. I had been amazed by the things he had written down. Nervous ticks that I had exhibited, slight slips of the tongue I had made, areas of conversation that I had stumbled through or refused to talk about yet. He was always trying to get under what I was saying, and find out why I was saying it and what I really meant.
Brian said eighteen months at the same time I said twelve hours. We turned to look at each other, and I noticed Dr. Lauler's eyebrows go up slightly.
"We'll get to that, I'm sure," he said. "Now, Nate, why don't you fill me in on what you've been up to since we last talked."
I wasn't sure how I felt about the fact that that only took me about three-quarters of an hour. I brought him up to speed on my university years, meeting Andrea, and how her parents had adopted me. Then I told him about moving to LA and finishing the book, and about how Brian and I met.
Brian looked as though he wanted to jump in and try to explain himself at that point, but a look from Dr. Lauler kept him quiet. I told him about how I had felt after Brian rejected me, and about meeting up with him a year later and starting to see each other.
He looked concerned and a little dismayed when I discussed my nightmares and how I had finally left Brian for a short time to straighten myself out again. I wondered if he took it as a sign that he had finished my earlier therapy prematurely, and whether that was going to translate into a longer stay for me.
I then told him about my leaving Brian, which surprised him. I glossed over the exact reasons for my leaving, not wanting to upset Brian without needing to. I knew that we'd be getting into it in detail later, after he had left. Then I finished by telling him about the past year of my life.
Brian listened intently to that, since he hadn't heard it yet. It was the first time I had actually talked about it with anyone. When I was done, there were tears in my eyes, and I saw them in Brian's as well as he squeezed my hand. We both watched the doctor as he finished up taking his notes, then turned his attention back to me.
"Okay, I think that's a good start for today. We'll talk about everything in a lot more detail, as I'm sure you remember from before. I've got another appointment in a few minutes, but I'd like to set up a definite time to come by and talk to you again."
"Whenever is good for you," I told him. "At least while I'm in here. I've got little else on my plate at the moment." That was certainly true. Aside from watching horrible daytime TV, my schedule was wide open. At least until I figured out whether I could still write.
"My days are pretty full, but I could come around early evening. Say, six o'clock? I want to see you every weekday for at least a couple of weeks. We'll see where we stand then, and change anything we need to."
"Sounds good," I agreed.
He got out his calendar and wrote it in. "And Brian, as long as Nate doesn't mind, you're welcome to join us when you can."
"Thanks."
He stood and shook both of our hands. "Nice to meet you, Brian, and I'll see you tomorrow, Nate."
"Doctor Lauler?"
He turned back from the doorway.
"What about group sessions? Like last time?"
He glanced from me to Brian and back again. "There is a group meeting here, but I'd like to avoid it if we can. Given who you are, and who some of the people involved are, I think it best that the fewer people who are involved in your sessions the better."
He was right. The last thing we needed was for me to be talking about my relationship with Brian in front of a group of strangers. There was no telling how many people would find out that way.
"Okay," I agreed.
"That's part of the reason that I want to meet so often to start. If you're not going to be taking part in the group sessions, I want to be able to keep an eye on you."
"I'll do my best to be interesting," I promised with a smile.
"I don't think that's going to be a problem," he said, returning my smile and turning it on Brian. "It was nice meeting you."
"You too," Brian said, watching the doctor as he left.
I got up and walked over to the window. The hospital must have been changing shifts, because there was more than the average traffic in the lot below. I watched as a car pulled in and parked. To my surprise, Nick got out and headed for the front doors.
"Nick's here," I said, then jumped a little as Brian's hands came around me from behind. He put his chin on my shoulder and looked out the window with me.
Noticing my reaction, he gave me a hug. "You're jumpy. What's wrong?"
I couldn't do what I had to do with him holding me. I put my hands over his and pulled them apart, stepping forward and out of his embrace before turning to face him. "Just a bit stressed from talking through all of that with him. We have to talk."
"About what?" He moved forward and tried to put his arms around me again, but I backed away from him. He frowned a little and gave me a questioning look.
"Eighteen months?"
"Oh."
"Yeah. We haven't been together for eighteen months, Brian."
"Technically, no."
"Technically or not, Brian. We were apart for over a year. Not for a few days like my trip to Toronto. Not for a couple of weeks like the time before I joined you guys on your tour." I walked to the bed and sat down on the edge of it, pulling one leg underneath me and letting the other hang.
"I don't want to think about that," he said softly, coming and sitting behind me. He put his hands on my shoulders and started to knead them.
Putting my hand on top of his, I nodded my head slightly. "I know you don't. I don't particularly like thinking about it either, but that's what happened, and it's not going to do either one of us any good to ignore that and pretend like it was different."
"Did you see anyone else while we were apart?"
That caught me off guard. "No, of course not."
"Did you want to? Were you tempted?"
"No. If I couldn't have you, I wouldn't want anyone else." As corny as that sounded, it was absolutely true. I was linked to Brian in a way that was almost frightening in its intensity. "I would never be able to see anyone else."
"Did you stop loving me?"
I sighed, seeing where he was heading and not seeing how to stop him from taking me along with him. "No."
"Then as far as I'm concerned, we were together."
"No, we weren't," I insisted. "You got married! You thought I was gone forever. I thought you were gone forever. Just because we didn't stop caring for each other doesn't mean that we were together. I ended things, Brian. I left you for what I thought was going to be forever."
"Nate--"
"No, let me finish. I love you, and I can't tell you how happy I am that you have been in my life, and that you're back in it. But we were apart for a long time. Nothing can change that. We can't just go back and pretend like it didn't happen. We're not those people anymore."
"I'm the same person. I love you like I always did. That hasn't changed."
"Yes it has, Brian. Whether you want to admit it or not, you can't love me like you did. There's a little part of you that knows how much I hurt you, and is hesitant at opening yourself up to the chance of that happening again. There's a part of you that wonders if it's worth it."
"No."
"Yes!" I turned on the bed and took his chin in my hands. "Brian, don't lie to me. I know that it's there, because it's there in me too, and in everyone that we know. Luckily, there's a larger part of each of us that knows how right this is. Now, I want to be involved with you again, Brian, but it's got to be again. Not a continuation of before." I turned my face away from his and looked at the doorway. "And if you don't come in here, Nick, I'm going to come out there and drag you in."
Nick peered sheepishly around the edge of the doorway. "Didn't want to interrupt."
"Come in and close the door behind you," I said, giving him a smile. "You're involved in this too."
Nick entered, shutting the door as I had asked and putting his jacket with Brian's. Brian and I shifted back a bit on the bed to give him somewhere to sit, and Brian's hands started to move again. I wondered if he was trying to relax me into submission.
"You heard?" I asked Nick.
"The last little bit, yeah. How did you know I was there?"
"We saw you get out of the car. It was taking you too long to get to the room."
"Well, you guys seemed like you were having a pretty serious conversation, and I didn't think it involved me."
"Our being back together affects you and the rest of the guys just as much as it does us," I pointed out. "You're going to have to start keeping our secret all over again, we're going to need your help dealing with Jackie and Andrew, and you're going to have to learn that I'm not going to hurt Brian again."
"We already know that."
"Isn't there just a tiny voice inside your head that's telling you that it's a possibility? That wants you to keep an eye on me to make sure that he's okay?"
"No!" Brian said, dropping his hands from my shoulders and standing up again. "Why can't you believe that! I trust you, and so do they! We know that what happened wasn't your doing!" He was starting to cry, but this was something that had to be set straight before we went any further. He was going to have to cry if he needed to. I briefly thought about my promise to myself not to cause him any more tears, then decided that there were some that were necessary.
"Nick? Isn't there a voice like that?"
"NO!" Brian insisted, at the same time as Nick started to nod.
"Yeah, a little one. I love you, Nate, but you did a number on him when you left. I don't want to ever see him like that again."
"Nick!"
"Bri, you know it's true. Whether or not Nate left because of your mother and Andrew, it still hurt. Somewhere deep down, you're afraid that he'll do it again, even if you won't admit to it."
"I love him!"
I stood up and approached Brian, reluctant to touch him. "Brian, I know you love me. That's why you're here. That's why you're not following that voice. But, I know that there's a seed of doubt in there. I planted it."
"Why are you doing this?"
I sighed. He wasn't getting it. I couldn't start my therapy or our relationship without knowing exactly where I stood. How could I hope to get anywhere if I didn't know where I was to start with?
"We can't go on like nothing happened, because something did happen. Something big, and it changed both of us. It changed you and me, and all of our friends. And it changed our relationship. We can't just step back and be the same couple we were, Brian."
"I want that back."
"And maybe we'll have it back, but we're going to have to work for it this time. Too much has happened. It's not that easy anymore. Remember at the apartment, when I told you that I wasn't the Nate that you knew anymore?"
He nodded and looked at me. "I told you that he was in there if you weren't too scared to look for him. So look for him!"
"No, you told me that there was a lot of him in me still. And you were right. But I was right, too. I'm not that man, and I'll probably never be him again. I might come close every now and then, but he's gone.
"Just what parts are missing, I'm not sure. I don't know whether I'll be able to have the people around me that I once did. I don't know if I can be the friend I once was. I don't even know if I'll ever be able to write another word. I know that I love you, and I know that I won't stop, but I can't be the boyfriend you remember."
I had gathered him into an embrace as I spoke, and when I stopped, his arms folded around me as well. I heard him start to cry harder when he put his chin on my shoulder. "How much more time are we going to lose?" he whispered.
That shook me. He was right. If it hadn't been for the way he acted, we wouldn't have lost the first year, and if not for the way I acted, we wouldn't have lost the second one. At least we almost balanced each other.
Taking his head in my hands, I made him face me. "None. We've already been apart too much. But we have to see this clearly. We can't act like it didn't happen."
"He's right, Bri," Nick said. He was still sitting on the bed. "You know he is. You can't forget about this. Acknowledge it and move on, but don't forget it."
I felt Brian nod at Nick, and turned my lips to his ear. Things were getting a little too heavy for comfort. "Those who do not know their history--" I said, chuckling.
"Don't even joke about it," Brian said, his face finally breaking out into something resembling a smile.
"It's cliche, but it's true."
"Fine," Brian said, giving up. "You want to know the truth? There is a part of me that's afraid of you. Afraid of us. At the risk of making a horrible comparison here, I just about died when you left, Nate. I felt like someone had ripped off my right leg."
"That's pretty much how I felt," I said, nodding. "Except that I had to deal with the fact that I was the one who did the ripping. It hurt so much not to be with you, but it hurt even more to know that it was my decision that caused it."
"I don't want to be mad at you, Nate."
"I don't want you to be, either. But if you are, we've got to deal with it. Are you mad at me?"
"A little."
"Why?"
"Because you hurt me, and because you didn't trust me enough to come to me when my mother did what she did."
"Because you're always the first one offering help and the last one to ask for it, and because you decided what you were going to do without the rest of us, even though it affected us all," Nick added helpfully.
"And were either of you mad at me before, when Brian and I were still together?" They both assured me that they hadn't been. "That's why we have to start over. It can't be a continuation of before, because there's new elements here for each of us."
"So what do we do?"
"We start over. We remember what happened before, and how much we mean to each other. And we work on getting that back. You learn to fully trust me again, and I do the same thing. I betrayed myself, too. We love each other as completely as we can."
"If I agree with that, can we stop talking about this?" Brian asked, smiling up at me. I could see in his eyes that he finally agreed with me and understood what I was getting at. If there had been any doubt in my mind that he hadn't, I wouldn't have let it go.
Giving him a smile, I hugged him again and gave him a kiss. "We won't talk about it again."
He returned the kiss with a little more gusto, then pushed me toward the bed. Nick got up as Brian pushed me down until I was laying on my stomach, then started to knead my shoulders again. Nick pulled a chair over beside the bed and sat down.
"So, what's your agenda for the next little while?" I asked.
"Actually, we've got to fly out tonight," Nick said with a slight wince. "We weren't planning on staying this long. We've got some interviews and meetings, and the guys are waiting for us to get there. We pushed it back as far as we could--"
"It's okay, Nick. Mom and Dad flew home today, and Andy goes in the morning too."
"I can stay," Brian offered quickly. "I'll figure something out and stay with you." He knew that Erron wasn't going to be visiting, and probably that Jeff and Cindy weren't either, and he didn't want me to be alone.
"No, Brian. You have to go."
"I don't want you to be alone."
"Dr. Lauler will be here every day."
"He's not a visitor."
"You're going," I said decisively. "You can't be here all the time, or people are going to start asking questions, and you've got to be with the guys. I'll be fine. We can talk on the phone every day, and you can come visit when you can, but you can't watch over me like that."
"Maybe Andy could come--"
"She offered this morning. I told her what I'm telling you. I'll be okay." I was discovering a peculiar aversion to the phrase 'I'll be fine.' I had used it entirely too much lately. "I'll miss you and I'll be calling you constantly just to hear your voice, but I'll get through it. I'm sure Andy will fly up to see me, too. And I'm still hoping that Erron, Jeff and Cindy will forgive me enough to visit."
"They will," Nick said. He sounded pretty sure of himself. "I talked with Erron this morning, and he's starting to feel guilty about not being here already."
"Ooh, a pity visit," I laughed, rolling over and looking up at Brian. He still looked worried. "Look, you know that you have to go. I'll be here when you want to come visit. Maybe bring one of the other guys with you if they want to come. In fact, it's probably better if you do, for appearances sake. And you know where I am and how boring it is here, so you know I'll be here whenever you call."
That got a small smile out of him, and he lay his hand on my stomach. "I'll be thinking about you every second I'm not here."
"Good," I smiled. "But I'm sure that the guys would all appreciate it if you kept those thoughts G-rated."
"Please," Nick agreed with a laugh.
"I make no promises," Brian grinned, leaning in to kiss me.
I finally managed to convince Brian that he had to go with Nick, and got him to lay down with me for a while while the two of them got me caught up on their schedules. They had finished the Millennium tour, and they had released their new CD. By the sound of it, they had a bit of a relaxed itinerary for the next couple of months until they started the new leg of the tour. I marvelled at how out of touch I had been.
We talked about the CD for a little while, and they brought me up to speed on what was going on with the rest of the guys. Kevin had, of course, gotten himself married as well. I wasn't sure how that made me feel, exactly. By the sound of it, they were very happy. Her name was Kristin, and everyone seemed to really like her.
I was a little saddened that things hadn't worked out with him and Carrie, but it was probably for the best. She hadn't been ready for the idea of an instant family when they found out about Kathy being pregnant, and Kevin hadn't wanted to keep her in that position. They had parted on good terms, and had remained friends, but the romance was gone.
Both Nick and Brian seemed a little sad about Carrie and Kevin not working out as well, but they spoke very highly of Kristin. I was looking forward to meeting her.
"I still say--" Nick began, then stopped as his watch alarm went off.
"Please tell me that doesn't mean what I think it means," I groaned.
"Sorry, Nate. We've got to go or we'll miss our plane. I've got our luggage and everything already in the car."
I sighed and sat up, bringing Brian with me.
He kept his arms around me. "I don't want to go."
"I don't want you to either, but you've got to. I'll be here when you come back."
"Probably flirting with the cute doctor," Nick added, earning himself a smack from both of us.
"I'll just give you a minute," he laughed, standing up. I got up as well and gave him a hug.
"I'll see you."
"Count on it," he said, rubbing my back. "I'll be back."
"Good."
"And Nate?"
I looked back to him, standing just inside the door and sliding his arms into his jacket. "What is it?"
"What you said about not being who you were, and not being sure if you could be the friend that you were?"
"Yeah?"
"I think, in some areas, you're more Nate than you've ever been. If that's possible." He smiled and gathered his jacket again, stepping out into the hall and closing the door behind him.
I smiled as Brian grabbed my hand and turned me back around to face him. "Promise me you'll call if you need to."
I was making a lot of promises lately. Not that I blamed him for asking for them. "I promise you that I will call if I need to, or if I just want to, or feel like it, or miss you, or think of a joke I want to tell you, or--"
Brian laughed and drew me to him. "Okay, I get the point. I'll make sure my phone is fully charged. Oh! That reminds me." He released me and picked up his jacket. Reaching into the pocket, he pulled out my cell phone. "I thought you might want this."
I smiled and slipped it into my pocket, then put my arms around him again, determined to get as much physical contact with him as I could before Nick stole him away from me. "I love you."
He squeezed me a little tighter and kissed my neck. "I love you too. Be good."
"I'm always good," I laughed, reaching down and grabbing his ass.
"Well, don't be too good before I get back."
"Other than Dr. Lauler, the only other man I've seen is Dr. Fitzgerald. Trust me, you have nothing to worry about there."
"I know." There was a soft knock at the door, and we pulled apart a little. "Guess that's for me."
I nodded, then grabbed him and pulled him into a kiss. "I'll call you," we said in unison, then started laughing as he pulled his jacket on.
I walked them both to the elevator, and stole another quick kiss when we were sure that there was no one looking. I found myself smiling brighter than I had in ages as the doors closed and I turned and made my way back to my room.
As soon as I sat down again, I opened the box of stationery that Brian had brought, and got out my pen. Taking out a piece of the heavy paper, I started making a list. If I was going to have a lot of free time on my hands, I would have lots of time to write out the apologies and explanations that I owed just about everyone in my life.
The list took me about ten minutes to complete, though I knew that there would be people that I remembered and needed to add as I got writing the letters. Once I was done, I packed the papers away again and put the box in the bedside table, then reached for my computer.
Climbing onto the bed, I started up my computer, and hesitated as I typed in the password, not sure whether to check my email or bite the bullet and see if I could still flex the creative part of my brain and get back to writing.
Coming to a decision, I bypassed my inbox and opened my word processor instead. I took the disk that Andy had sent out of the box and put it into the computer, then gathered my courage and called up the file that I wanted and began to read.
Twenty minutes after that, I was carefully tapping keys, adding to what I had written so long ago. It was hard, but I could feel a strange stirring in the back of my head, like I was shaking the dust off of some sort of mental filing cabinet.
It took me an hour to get three paragraphs to the point where I was satisfied with them, but I was beginning to get back into the flow of ideas that I remembered from before. I didn't find myself getting engrossed in the story yet, but I could feel my mind inching around it, looking for the door. For the first time in months, I was beginning to think that I still held the key.
The slow progress was encouraging, but also as infuriating as hell. It was like I had been in some sort of accident, and I was having to learn to do this all over again. Only it was worse this time, because I could remember how easily it had come before. When I couldn't take moving at that snail's pace any longer -- and the throbbing in my wrists was approaching unbearable -- I shut everything down and set my computer aside.
I told myself -- though I had a hard time listening -- that I should be content with what little I had accomplished. It may not have been much, but I had proven that I still had it in me. At least, I was hoping that I had proven that. There was still a little voice in my mind telling me that three paragraphs didn't prove much of anything. Deciding to try and keep a positive attitude, I asked the other voices to hunt that one down and kill it.
With a sigh, I dug my phone out of my pocket and flipped it open. I hesitated with my finger on the speed-dial button, then closed my eyes and pressed it, bringing the phone to my ear. I had to find out if I still had an agent and an editor, and how patient they were willing to be.
To Be Continued...