Brian and Me

By D LS

Published on Mar 21, 2001

Gay

Okay, peoples, first things first: This is not the last installment of B&M. I know I said it was going to be, but there's been a change in plans. This is the second-to-last installment, and the final one will show up here in one week. You have my word on that. It was actually written as one large installment, but I want to take a bit more time with the next part, so it'll come separately. But it is written, and it will be here in a week. Promise.

Now that that's out of the way, I'll make the usual apologies for the amount of time it's taken for this installment to make its way into the light of day. I have no real excuse for it other than that it decided to be difficult in several places and took longer to write. So my apology will just have to be enough. Or we can blame Matt again. Take your pick. :)

Okay, the usual stuff: Thanks to everyone I owe a thanks to this time around. Matt, Karen, Scott, Ceej and Rache in particular for their comments and all-around coolness. :) As for the rest of the rigamarole, the people I love know I love them, the people I don't love know I don't love them, and if you're not sure where you are, it's probably the grey area between the two. :)

What follows is fiction, just like the 123 parts before it. Not meant to imply anything about anyone mentioned or hinted at. If you shouldn't be reading stories like this, then don't. Got it? Good. :)

Enjoy!

PART 124

I closed my phone and placed it back in my pocket, then stood staring at the computer. It looked like it was going to be waiting for a while before getting any further use. My eyes dropped to my computer bag, sitting on the floor next to the desk. Crossing the room, I lifted it and set it on the seat of the chair, then dug through the side pocket for the contracts I'd signed. I tossed them onto the bed and headed for the closet to get a shirt that looked more presentable.

I pulled off the shirt I was wearing and tossed it onto the bed, then slipped the new one on, thinking while I buttoned. As far as I could see, there was no real need for me to be meeting with Andrew Copeland again. The contracts had been sent, read over, and approved. I'd signed them after we'd joined up with the rest of the guys again, and they were ready to be sent back.

All of which I'd told Andrew, and he'd still wanted to meet. I wasn't so sure that was a good sign. It was possible that he just wanted to go over a couple of points, or maybe to try and slip in a few new things and hope that I would still agree. Though he'd had lots of time to call and suggest changes while I'd been away with Brian and so far as I knew, he hadn't done so. No one had mentioned it to me if he had. It just didn't seem likely that he'd fly all the way to Dallas to do it now.

I knew it was useless to put a lot of thought into it, considering that I didn't know Andrew Copeland nearly well enough to try and anticipate anything he would do, but I found it hard to stop. I hated going into things blind and always had. There were times when knowing a little bit about a situation was far worse than knowing nothing at all, but they were the exception rather than the rule, in my experience.

I left the top button of the shirt undone, deciding that there was no way in hell I was going to choke myself for his benefit, and began rolling my sleeves up. He'd caught me off-guard with his call and demand for an immediate meeting, and he knew it. He probably wouldn't be expecting me to look as together as I was.

I grabbed some socks out of the dresser and walked back over to the bed, flopping down beside the folded pages I'd just dropped there. Deciding that Andrew could damned well wait until I was ready for the meeting, I paused with one sock on and one off, and started to read over the contracts. It couldn't hurt to be entirely familiar with their contents.

I read them over carefully, and still found nothing that I thought warranted the meeting. With a sigh, I set the pages aside and finished with my second sock, then stood and crossed to the mirror, to make sure everything looked as it should. It wouldn't do to show up for the meeting with my hair looking like Brian had been running his hands through it.

Figuring that the only way to get my mind away from speculation was to get to the meeting, I grabbed the contracts again, slipped my feet into my shoes, and left the room.

The conference room that the desk clerk had directed me to was larger than I was expecting. I suppose anything termed a 'conference room' needed to be large, but I had been expecting a much smaller space given that there was just to be the two of us in the meeting.

Instead, I found myself walking into a large room dominated by several large, heavy tables pushed together to form a line down the centre. The tables were dark-stained wood, with heavy plush chairs arranged around, upholstered in a deep grey fabric that complimented the lighter shade on the walls. There were a few pieces of art hung up, but they were mass-produced, inconspicuous enough to blend into the walls. It was a room for business, no doubt about it.

I took a quick look around as soon as I entered, but there wasn't really much to see and I quickly decided to just take my seat. Andrew was already there as I'd figured he would be and he was watching me, waiting for me to sit down opposite him. The uptight charcoal suit he'd been wearing at our last meeting had given way to an uptight navy suit, but otherwise he looked the same. Same clean-cut dark hair, same dark-rimmed glasses, same disinterested look in his eye. While I entered the room, he pushed aside a plate, positioning it behind the briefcase that was sitting on the table.

"I've got a lot of work scheduled for today," he said in way of explanation. "I'll be working in my meals wherever I can. Help yourself to some coffee." He indicated a carafe sitting off to the side of his briefcase, with an extra cup. He already had a cup sitting in front of him, the ribbons of steam floating up a few inches before being swirled apart by the circulated air of the room.

I fought the urge to apologise for being late as I crossed to the other side of the table and walked to my seat. Judging from the way he appeared to be treating our meeting I felt no particular desire to be that polite.

I didn't like the nonchalant way he was acting. It didn't mesh with the business-like way he'd been at our previous meeting, and backstage at a concert certainly lent itself more to a relaxed attitude than a conference room.

"I'll pass, thanks," I told him as I pulled the chair out and lowered myself into it.

"Suit yourself."

I put the contracts on the table in front of me and tapped them, looking up to meet his eyes. "Here you go."

He took them when I slid them across the table, but he didn't unfold them. He didn't pay much attention to them at all. Instead, he studied me for a moment longer as he took a sip from his coffee cup.

"You don't seem too happy to have those," I observed, matching his gaze. "You sounded anxious for them when you called."

"I wasn't anxious at all, Mr. Healy. I'm a busy man, as I told you. I merely wanted to get this matter cleared up as quickly as possible."

I leaned back in my chair, gripping the edge of the table. "Well, there you go, though I don't understand why you felt the need to meet to take care of this. I told you Kevin was sending them. If it was so necessary that you have them we could have sent them overnight."

"It's better we do this in person, I think."

That brought a curious frown to my face. It was becoming obvious that Andrew had more on his mind than simply getting the contracts from me and going about his business. Though even if he was about to propose some changes to the terms, I didn't see why it took a meeting in person to do so.

"Alright," I finally answered with a nod. "I guess you'd know better than I would since you're the one with the most details to take care of, but I'd ask that we take care of it as quickly as possible. I'd like to get some more work done before the concert tonight."

He gave me a look that I couldn't even begin to decipher but it didn't seem openly hostile, which I took as a good sign. After sipping at his coffee again, he eyed me for another moment and nodded slightly. "This shouldn't take long to explain."

"Did you have some changes you wanted to make?"

"I'm not here to go over contract changes with you, Mr. Healy."

"But you said on the phone that you wanted to talk about them. I just assumed there was something you wanted to clarify or change."

"I said that we needed to discuss our arrangement," he corrected me. "I said nothing about needing the contracts or about making changes to them."

I settled back in my chair, reluctant to let myself be too at ease but seeing that there was a discussion coming. "I'm not following."

"Simply put, the contracts are of no concern to me because they are no longer going to be necessary. I called this meeting with you to inform you that we won't be needing you to write any sort of tour diary."

"Excuse me?" I sat forward again, tucking my feet under the chair.

That didn't make any sense. I'd already discussed the ideas I had for the tour diary with Brian and the others. They'd all agreed to help and it didn't look like putting it together was going to be much of a problem at all. It didn't make sense that the company would put a stop to something that wasn't going to be hard to create and would provide both promotion and profit.

"There will be no tour diary," Andrew repeated.

"I don't understand," I told him, searching his face for any sort of signal as to what was going on. It revealed nothing. "Why would you have sent the contracts out to me if you weren't going to do this?"

"This is a recent decision, Mr. Healy. When the contracts were sent to you we had every intention of going ahead with the project. There have been some recent events that have changed that. Keep in mind, your people received the contracts from our office almost two weeks ago. I believe you were on vacation with several members of the group."

He knew damned well I had been. I started to ask him why he hadn't sent word to Celia to let her know that the contracts were useless. She would have gotten rid of them and called to let me know. For that matter, Andrew or someone else from management could have gotten to me if they'd needed to.

They knew how to get in touch with each of the guys and knew I was with them.

I had the answer to my questions before they could make it out of my mouth.

Andrew hadn't done any of that because he didn't need to do it. He knew I'd be coming back once the tour started again so there was no reason to go out of his way to find me, and on the off chance that I didn't come back when the tour resumed, so much the better.

"But you haven't even seen any of the ideas we've come up with for it," I argued instead of asking. "We've been talking about it and I think--"

"It doesn't matter," Andrew interrupted, finishing his cup of coffee and pushing it and the saucer aside.

"And why not?"

"Because there's not going to be a tour diary," he repeated more firmly.

"I think I deserve a better explanation than that." I was starting to get annoyed with his attitude. Cancelling the tour diary wasn't a huge problem for me since we'd only been discussing ideas for it so far, but it was an unexpected change and he didn't seem the least bit concerned with it.

Andrew met my eyes. "There isn't going to be a tour diary because you're no longer going to be on the tour to write one, Mr. Healy. By the time the tour moves on from Dallas you will no longer be travelling with the group."

"Excuse me?" I waited for a response, an offer of more information, but he said nothing. "Where exactly do you think I'm going to be?"

"I really don't know. That doesn't concern me. What does concern me is where you won't be, and that's on this tour."

It occured to me that one of the guys might have spoken to Andrew about kicking me off the tour but that didn't make any sense. The only one of them that could fall under suspicion for that was Howie and he and I had been getting along better than ever. I didn't think he was that good of an actor.

If one of the guys wasn't trying to get me off the tour, I didn't see how it would succeed. I was sure that management could shuffle most of the tour entourage around without any noise from them -- probably without their even noticing -- but I also knew that I was a special case. Andrew undoubtedly knew it too, though I didn't think he knew exactly how special.

"You might find that a little bit harder to pull off than you think," I told him, keeping my expression as close to neutral as I could. Again, he said nothing. He sat, seeming to wait for me to continue. "Look, I know you're used to dealing with these kinds of details -- that's your job -- but I also know that there's no way the guys are going to agree to this."

"They won't have to," Andrew answered me finally. For once, he continued before I could respond. "You're right in that I couldn't remove you from the tour without their agreement considering that they've invited you along themselves, but their agreement isn't necessary for you to remove yourself from the tour and that's exactly what you're going to do. Before it leaves Dallas."

Andrew's voice had remained calm and business-like which was only serving to piss me off even more. "If you just wanted to waste my time," I snapped, "you've succeeded."

He actually seemed a little surprised. "That's not my intention at all. I'm simply telling you what's going to happen."

"No, what's going to happen is I'm going to get up, go back upstairs and try to decide if this is something I need to discuss with the guys or whether I'll just let it go."

I started to get up but he cleared his throat and spoke before I could. "I know about your relationship with Mr. Littrell. I suggest you stay and hear me out."

I stopped dead in my tracks. After meeting his eyes and seeing how serious he was, I dropped back into my chair. It took me a moment to find my voice again and when I did it wasn't nearly as strong as I wanted it to be. "So? That doesn't change anything."

I didn't think it did. If ever there was someone who could be counted on to keep my relationship with Brian a secret, it was someone from management.

It was their job to avoid scandals and uphold the image of the guys.

"I'm afraid it changes a lot of things," Andrew said, crossing his arms on the table. "Surely you can see how your relationship could be a problem for all involved if it were to become public."

It was the condescending tone of voice that I remembered from our last meeting, and I found that it annoyed me just as much as it had before. "Of course I see that, and we've talked about it. Not that it's any of your business."

"As a matter of fact it is my business. Part of my job is keeping this kind of thing from becoming public and protecting the company's interests. Quite frankly, you being on tour with the group is too dangerous. We can't take the risk of the public finding out that one of them is a --"

I arched my eyebrows as he cut off his statement. "A what, Andrew?"

His mouth closed around whatever he'd been going to say and he settled back into his chair a bit before continuing. "A homosexual. With the fan base the group has we simply can't afford for that to get out."

"Ultimately, that's Brian's decision," I argued with a frown. "Like I said, we've discussed it and he's talked it over with the rest of the guys. None of us are going to do anything to bring it to the public's attention, which is exactly what this tour diary idea was for in the first place."

"You being on tour at all is too much of a risk," he returned, shaking his head. "It would be better for all involved -- including the Backstreet Boys themselves -- if you were to bow out and leave the tour."

I shook my head and gripped the table tighter. "I'm not leaving the tour. Certainly not because you want me to. I want to be here, the guys want me here, and until you killed the tour diary I had a perfectly plausible reason to be here."

"You no longer have that reason, and once people find out about that the questions will begin again. We've already had one close call with the tabloids."

My heart skipped a beat before I realised he was talking about the reports about Nick and I being a couple and not about our run-in with Hannah Neale. "That wasn't a close call. There was nothing there to find and it died down as soon as we confronted it."

"Are you going to be willing to do the same when it's a report about you and Mr. Littrell? Will either of you be able to sit in front of a press conference and deny your relationship?"

That stopped me again, but only for a moment. "I would," I stated. "If it became necessary, I would."

"It would be necessary, I assure you. Would he be so quick to deny it?"

I wasn't quite so confidant about that, knowing how torn up about it Brian was. I was reasonably sure that he'd choose to keep our relationship a secret for his own sake as well as the others' but I also knew that -- depending on the tone of the reports -- he'd be tempted to take the opportunity to come out.

Our conversation under the tree in the park in Memphis came back to me, and his comment that he wouldn't come out even if he could. There was more that he wanted to do, he'd said, and he'd meant it. He wasn't ready or willing to come out publicly yet, both for his own sake and for the sake of the rest of the group.

"He would," I said finally, but the pause wasn't lost on Andrew.

"You don't seem to be too sure of that."

"I'm not Brian. I can't know for sure what he's going to do, no matter how close we are." It was particularly hard to know when it was the kind of question that would likely make Brian stop and think for a moment, too.

"You have the luxury of not needing to be absolutely positive about his reaction. I'm afraid I -- we -- do not." He saw me start to speak and he put his hand up to keep me silent. "And your hesitation tells me that I'd need to worry regardless of whatever answer he gave me himself."

"Like I said, no one but Brian can know what he'd do, but do you really think that my leaving the tour would solve all of your problems?"

"Hardly," he answered, shaking his head. "Quite frankly, this situation has disaster written all over it from my point of view, but removing your relationship with Mr. Littrell from the equation will make it much easier to deal with."

"Not from where I'm sitting," I frowned. "Let's say that I agreed to leave. I'm not going to agree, but let's just say I did. Instead of having me on tour with an actual excuse to be there you'd be dealing with my joining the tour randomly and with Brian and I joining up on tour breaks and holidays. If you ask me, clandestine meetings like that are going to raise a lot more eyebrows than hanging out with a friend who happens to be on the tour anyway."

Andrew sat watching me, appearing to consider what I'd said, then spread his hands out slightly in front of him. "That's exactly why it's best if you and Mr. Littrell are no longer together, geographically or romantically."

I was on my feet before he was done speaking, leaning over with my hands pressed to the edge of the table. "You'd better not be saying what I think you're saying or you're going to have more than just me to answer to."

"Make no mistake, Mr. Healy, I in no way answer to you now. What I'm saying is that we'll all be better off if there is no relationship between you and Mr. Littrell to be discovered."

"I wouldn't be better off and neither would Brian."

"Your well-being isn't my concern. As far as Mr. Littrell is concerned, he knew what was going to be expected of him when he got into this business. If he wasn't prepared to follow through with it, he shouldn't have started."

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" I demanded, barely keeping my voice below a yell. "I don't expect you to give a damn about me but you sure as fuck should care about him!"

"I care about keeping his career intact, Mr. Healy. That is my concern in this matter and you're the one that's putting that in danger. I'm telling you what you need to do to help me do my job."

"I'll tell you what you can do with your fucking job," I said through gritted teeth, already thinking that if Brian had anything to say about it Andrew would be looking for a new one before the day was over. "There's no way you're going to convince me to leave him. No fucking way."

"Mr. Healy--" Whatever his comment was going to be, it was cut off by a new voice in the room.

"I knew it!"

I had been so intent on Andrew and on trying to keep my temper in control that I hadn't even heard the door open, and my surprise was compounded when I turned to see who had spoken. I fell back a step, almost stumbling over my chair when I saw Brian's mother standing there.

She closed the door and started into the room on Andrew's side of the table, her eyes locked on mine. "I told him you didn't care about him but he wouldn't believe me."

I forced my eyes from Jackie's face to Andrew's, and discovered surprise there as well. By the time I returned my attention to Jackie, she was standing beside his chair, still glaring at me.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked, surprised by the strength of my voice. My anger at Andrew hadn't dissipated at all and it helped mask my surprise.

"I'm here to make sure that you stay away from Brian," she answered, her eyes burning.

"Then you wasted a trip. I'm not going anywhere."

Jackie surprised me again by turning to speak to Andrew. "Didn't I tell you? He doesn't care what he's doing to Brian or his career. You're not going to get anywhere."

Andrew started to respond but stopped when my hand slapped the table, making them both jump. "You told him what?" The pieces were starting to come together now. I had a pretty good idea how Andrew had found out about Brian and I, at least. "The two of you are in on this together, aren't you?

So much for it only being about business, eh?"

Andrew pursed his lips in frustration. "Mrs. Littrell and I may have different reasons for thinking so, but we agree that this relationship is not a good idea and should not continue."

"So you thought that teaming up against me was going to get me to agree? Think again. I don't want to hear anything either one of you wants to say."

"Mrs. Littrell wasn't supposed to be here," Andrew said, giving Jackie a cool look.

"That doesn't fucking matter! Do you really think I give a damn if she's sitting in the room or not? You fucked up bringing her in on this, Andrew."

"I didn't--"

"I'm not leaving Brian," I interrupted, looking him in the eye. "He and I are together and we're going to stay together. Get used to it."

Jackie was livid. "How dare you--"

"Shut up," I snapped, cutting her off. "I think you've already said more than enough on the subject of Brian and I." She opened her mouth to speak but I slammed my hand on the table again. "Sit the hell down! You're going to listen for a change."

Brian and I had both been through our periods of doubt about our relationship and where it stood but I certainly wasn't in the mood to listen to Jackie's perspective on the matter. I'd overheard more than enough while she was yelling at Brian. Andrew must have seen the determination on my face. He looked up at Jackie, then pulled on her arm to get her to sit down. She and I continued to glare at each other across the table for a moment before she finally allowed herself to be pulled into her chair.

Seeing how angry she was at me, I decided to let her stew for a few minutes more. "Now," I said finally, bringing my voice closer to normal, "you've told me what you need to tell me, Andrew, and I've heard about all I need to from you, Jackie, so now you're going to hear me. I'm sure you'll both get to hear from Brian and the others later."

They both obviously felt they had more to say to me, but neither spoke. I gave Andrew my full attention, knowing that ignoring Jackie would only piss her off more. "I told you already that Brian and I have talked about what may happen should someone find out about our relationship and I know he's talked it over with the rest of the guys. To put it simply, they are willing to take the risk. Brian's assured me that he thinks it's worth it and that's really all that matters to me.

"Yes, we worry about it, but we're going to be as careful as possible. Neither of us is going to forget what's at risk. I know it's your job to look out for this kind of thing, but you can only look out for them as far as they'll let you and I can pretty much guarantee you that Brian would agree that this is outside your scope. My relationship with Brian is between Brian and I and, to some extent, the rest of the guys.

"I appreciate that it could turn into a problem for management but that concerns me about as much as you're concerned with my welfare. You're paid to take care of such problems and avoid them where you can. I'm telling you that this isn't one that you can avoid. Only we can do that.

"I'm not nearly so naive to think that you don't have any personal feelings about the situation, Andrew. You just happen to be able to point to business to make your argument."

I gave Andrew a final look before turning to Jackie. "And you. You've made yourself quite clear so let me do the same. I'm in love with your son and he's in love with me. If you can't deal with that, then fine. Stay the hell away from the both of us. It'll hurt him less than having you there telling him he's wrong."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" she asked angrily. "Take his family away from him rather than do what's best?"

"I'm not taking anything away from him. I'm not the one that kicked him out of the house and slapped him, Jackie. Don't even start trying to pretend that his family's not behind him on this. Harold and Brian have worked things out and Brian's going to be talking to his brother, too. Kevin definitely supports our being together."

Jackie was immediately on her feet, trying to stare me down around the tears that were forming in the corners of her eyes. "Don't you dare talk to me about my family. Just because you seem to have them fooled into thinking this is normal and healthy doesn't mean you're going to get away with it!"

"I'm not trying to get away with anything!" I yelled back, leaning toward her over the table. She was smaller than Brian was, and even with my leaning so far over the table the height difference between us was obvious. I must have seemed to almost loom over her. "I'm in love with him. That should be all a mother wants for her son."

"What I want is my son back!"

"Then you shouldn't have fucking thrown him out of the house!"

Jackie's hand shot out to slap me but I grabbed her wrist before she could make contact.

"Don't even think about it. You got one, but you won't get another." I pushed her hand down away from my face and released her wrist, ready to grab her if she tried to slap me again.

"You took him away from us."

"You can blame me if you want. If that makes it easier for you, you go right ahead, but everyone else knows better. You may have lost him, but you're the only one and you did it yourself."

"He was fine before he met you," she returned, her hand twitching at her side. "He certainly wasn't--"

"Gay? Yes, he was. You'd know that if you actually talked to him instead of just yelling at him and telling him he's going to burn for it!"

"He will!"

"And what do you think happens to mothers who abandon their sons?" I shot back at her. She recoiled slightly and I felt a moment of shame for having said it. She was, after all, still Brian's mother and until recently had done an excellent job with him as far as I could see.

"Look," I tried, bringing my voice back under control, "I realise this has got to be a hard thing for you to accept, but if you really want Brian back in your life you're going to have to at least try. You're going to get nowhere by yelling at him."

Almost as soon as that compassion for Jackie's position surfaced, it was pushed aside again by my anger over what she'd done. I couldn't allow myself to sympathise with her. It would do none of us any good and it certainly wasn't the way to win an argument.

"Brian was gay long before he met me," I said again. "Just because he never told you about it doesn't mean that it wasn't there. Hell, can you blame him for not coming to you? How do you think that felt for him, Jackie? Do you have any idea how much harder you've made this for him?"

"If you weren't around, corrupting him--"

"If I wasn't around he'd still be miserable! He wouldn't have said a thing to you about any of this and he'd still be beating himself up over it, but he'd still be your precious little boy, right? At least you wouldn't have to deal with it. Who cares what kind of shit he has to go through as long as you don't have to see it, right?"

"How dare you."

"How dare you? How dare you stand there and tell me you love him when all you're trying to do is take away someone he loves and make him into something he's not? What is it you expect, Jackie? That without me around he'll be straight? I'm flattered that you'd think me that irresistable but it just doesn't work like that."

"You did this to him, and you're going to stop." There had been tears welling up in the corners of her eyes and I watched the first one fell. "You have to stop." That last was said in a strangled tone, an attempt to keep back the waver in her voice.

My mind registered it and started to respond, but once more that door slammed on the thought and emotion before it could fully form. "I'm not going anywhere," I glared, trying not to see the way she was holding her mouth too tight to keep the tremble from showing. "The sooner you get used to that, the better."

I was surprised by how detached I was, and a little frightened. I was still furious with both Andrew and Jackie but it was almost as though I was standing outside of the emotion itself, not really letting it touch me too deeply. To do that would be to invite other emotions in as well and they'd only get in the way of the anger. I could register them all but I wasn't having to deal with any of them fully.

"You are," she returned forcefully, the pain in her eyes changing once more to anger. She was pulling herself back together as quickly as possible, most likely using her own anger at herself for showing weakness in front of me.

"No way in hell."

She remained there, leaning forward slightly on the table and trying to glare a hole through me, so I did the same. I had been expecting her to say something else but she didn't seem in any hurry to and I didn't think there was anything more that I needed to say.

After a few moments, Andrew cleared his throat to get our attention. He'd been essentially silent during my exchange with Jackie and neither of us paid much attention to him now. Our eyes remained locked. "If you two are about done," Andrew finally said, sounding impossibly calm considering what had just gone on, "perhaps you could sit down so we can finish this meeting."

"I'm done," I answered through my teeth, keeping my jaw clenched and my attention focused on Jackie.

"I'm afraid that's not true." Andrew pulled his briefcase in front of him and finally opened it. "Sit down, both of you." There was an edge to his voice now, showing he wasn't as calm as he was trying to appear. "I have better things to do than watch you two stare at each other."

It took another moment but Jackie finally relented. She blinked and looked down at Andrew briefly, then returned her scowl to me as she pulled her chair back in and lowered herself into it. I relaxed my shoulders and stood up straight, making fists of my hands and rolling them back and forth to crack my wrists, which had been locked from my leaning on the table.

"Sit down, Mr. Healy," Andrew said again, arching his eyebrow slightly and nodding at my chair. "I assure you this is something you're going to want to pay attention to."

I seemed to be unable to relax my jaw but I did sit down, gripping the arms of my chair hard enough to turn my knuckles white. "I'm not leaving Brian."

"You are," Jackie said again, her voice low but forceful.

"I'm not."

"This is getting us nowhere," Andrew cut in, the edge in his voice more evident. He turned to look at Jackie, clearly not impressed with the way the meeting had gotten out of hand. "If you'll allow me?" When she didn't say anything further he turned his attention back to me. "Mrs. Littrell is right. You are going to be leaving. At least, if you care about Brian as much as you say you do."

I glared at him but didn't say anything. Speaking now would only invite Jackie to start again and I'd heard quite enough from her.

Andrew turned to his briefcase and tossed the contracts in carelessly. He'd been holding them during the entire meeting, but hadn't paid the slightest attention to them. He removed a folder from the case, closed it and pushed it back out of the way. Opening the folder, he removed a stapled set of papers and put them on the table, pushing them across to me.

I lifted the pages and looked them over. It was a press release from the group's management, dated for the next day. Reading it over I discovered that it was an official statement denying knowledge of any romantic relationship between Brian Littrell and Nathaniel Healy and stating that the company was standing solidly behind their clients.

"Spin control for a problem that hasn't even come up yet?" I asked, looking up at him.

"Not exactly," he answered, removing another page from the folder and sliding it over to me. "It's the company's response to this."

I took the new page and placed it over the first, reading it through. As soon as I saw what it was I dropped it again and looked over at him. "You can't be serious."

"We are."

The page he'd just handed me was a statement by Jackie, outing Brian and talking about our relationship. It stated that Brian and I had been involved for more than a year, that we'd gone out of our way to fool his fans in order to exploit them and sell more CDs, and that the rest of the group had taken part as well, despite his family's objections.

"This isn't even accurate."

"It doesn't need to be entirely accurate to be effective," Andrew commented.

"You'd really do this to them?" I asked, eyeing Jackie again.

"Mrs. Littrell won't be mentioned by name, of course. She'll be quoted as a source close to the group," Andrew said, attempting to get my attention again.

I ignored him. "You'd actually destroy all of their careers just to get him away from me?"

"I'll do whatever it takes to save him from what you're doing to him," Jackie answered, her eyes narrowing slightly. "If they're not going to look out for what's best for him, I will."

"What's best for him? You're trying to cripple him!"

"I'm trying to save him."

"He'll never forgive you for this, Jackie. Never. Are you prepared for that?"

"If that's what it takes."

My comment hadn't been shrugged off as easily as she wanted me to think, though. I saw it register and the look in her eyes changed slightly, becoming a little softer. Andrew cleared his throat again and slid another piece of paper across to me. This one was a statement from 'an inside source,' backing up everything that Jackie's statement said.

"You're going to destroy your own clients," I said, looking up in disbelief. "What happened to all that talk about it being your job to keep them from this kind of scandal?"

"That's what I'm trying to do," he answered. "I'm telling you what you need to do to keep this from happening and betting that you're going to do it. I'm not planning for any of this to be necessary."

"That's a pretty shaky foundation to be setting all of this on. You're counting on my just leaving without saying a word to him."

"If you care about him like you say you do, that's exactly what you'll do."

"What happens if I call your bluff?"

"Then I move on," he shrugged. "I'm not bluffing, Mr. Healy. The Backstreet Boys aren't my only concern and there are other clients I can give my time and attention to. Everyone knows that they're not going to last forever. I'll simply be speeding up the inevitable."

"I'm sure the company would see things differently."

"Perhaps, but they won't know anything about this. They'll simply know that someone from within the organisation spoke to the press. There are any number of people in a position to know about this relationship and the only thing here that has my name on it is the statement denying everything."

"They may not be able to trace it back to you, Andrew," I said, turning to stare at Jackie again, "but he'll know. Brian's going to know it was you, and he'll never forgive you for it."

"If you cared about him, you wouldn't make me do this."

"If you gave a damn about him, you wouldn't threaten his career in the first place!"

"You don't care about his career. All you care about is what having your name associated with him and the others will do for your career!"

"Again with this shit? I was doing quite well before Brian and I got together and you know it."

"Then you'll do fine without him."

"You bitch."

"I'm doing what I have to. If you care about him at all, you'll do the same thing."

I bit back my comment and looked back down to the pages that I was still holding, glancing through them. "You can't do this. Even you can't be this hateful."

Andrew leaned forward and took the papers from my hand. He put them back into the folder and turned to place it in his briefcase again. "Something for you to keep in mind," he said as he snapped the case shut and stood up. Jackie took the cue and stood as well. "This is all in your hands now. No one's done anything yet."

He stepped away from the table and around Jackie, heading for the door. He stopped when Jackie didn't follow him immediately. Instead she leaned across the table again, looking down at me. "You can't have him," she said finally, then turned and walked out. Andrew followed close behind.

I got off of the elevator and checked the hall. Seeing no one, I walked quickly to the door of my room, my keycard already out. I'd just swiped it and heard the lock give when I was spotted.

"Nate!"

I pushed the door open to keep it from locking again and turned to look at Howie. He was at the other end of the hall, about to enter Kevin's room. "Hey."

"Where've you been? Brian's been driving us nuts."

I forced a smile, knowing he was expecting one. "Just wandering around, I guess. Trying to clear my head a bit." If anything my head was cloudier than it had been before I'd left the hotel, but Howie didn't need to know that. Brian wouldn't know either if I could help it. "I left him a note."

"He got it."

"Okay." I nodded and turned back to my door and stepped inside.

"He's not in there!" Howie called after me.

"Okay," I muttered, too low for him to hear. I stepped further into the room, kicked the door shut and immediately began peeling off clothes. I stopped just long enough to dig what remained of the pack of cigarettes out of my pocket and shove them into the pocket of my computer bag, then balled up my shirt and pants and threw them into a chair in the corner of the room.

I thumbed my boxers down and stepped out of them as I entered the bathroom, leaving them in the doorway and grabbing my toothbrush. I spit my gum out and began brushing while I started the water in the shower and hoped I'd have the time to get in it before Brian showed up.

I heard the door open just as I returned my toothbrush to the holder. Stepping quickly into the shower, I spit the mouthwash out between my feet and watched as the green bubbles mixed with the water and disappeared down the drain. After moving around so quickly, looking down at my feet made me slightly dizzy, and I looked back up again, staring at a spot on the wall a few inches below the showerhead.

Without looking down again, I stepped forward into the stream of water, wetting my hair while I grabbed the bottle of shampoo. I'd no sooner started to work it through my hair when Brian's hand pressed against the pebbled glass on my right.

The smell of smoke tended to cling to me and there had been more than enough of it around me since my meeting with Jackie and Andrew. I'd been hoping to be showered and changed before Brian knew I was back. One moment earlier or later and I would have missed Howie and made it.

I pretended not to notice his palm against the glass and concentrated instead on my hair. Closing my eyes did nothing to help my equilibrium, but it kept me from seeing Brian's hand. That helped for a moment before he knocked on the door instead. There was no ignoring the knock.

"Brian?"

The door opened behind me and his hands ran lightly down my sides to rest on my hips. "Who else would be getting in the shower with you?" he asked softly just before he kissed the back of my neck and pressed himself against me.

I ducked my head under the water again rather than answer, still avoiding actually looking down. He grabbed my hands, moved them out of the way and ran his own through my hair to rinse out the shampoo. Once he was done, he took hold of my shoulders and turned me around to face him. One hand rose up to hold my neck while the other slid down and grabbed my elbow as he pulled me to him for a kiss.

I panicked for a moment, wondering what he may find on my breath, but he didn't seem to notice anything out of the ordinary. I wasn't in a terribly romantic mood but I kissed him back. Brian still had the concert that night so I knew nothing too involved was going to happen. It never did before a performance and I'd never been more happy about that. After the concert was a something else entirely, though. But that was something to worry about later.

"Why exactly are you showering again?" he asked, pulling back and then leaning in again to place a kiss on my collarbone. "Not that I'm complaining about getting to see you wet and naked."

I moved my head back -- discovering that looking up wasn't much better than looking down -- and allowed him better access to my neck. As long as he was concentrated there he wasn't looking me in the eye. There was a moment when I didn't have a clue what to tell him, and then the writer in me stepped forward. "I was out for a walk, and got a little sweaty. No big deal." It wasn't pretty, but it'd work.

"I didn't say it was a big deal," Brian chuckled, biting my neck. His arms closed around my waist as he hugged me tight. "We could make it a big deal, though."

I suppressed a grunt and pulled away from him, taking a deep breath. "Don't."

"What's wrong?"

"Squeezing me just isn't a good idea right now," I told him, willing my stomach to stop shifting. My hand came up automatically and pressed against my stomach. He noticed and searched my face with a frown.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm just not feeling right. It'll pass."

"Are you sick?" One hand moved over mine, holding it tighter to my body while the other felt my forehead. "You look kind of flushed."

"I'm okay, just a little queasy." He was still frowning at me. "Really," I added, taking his hand and pulling it away from my head, "let's just finish up and I'll lay down for a bit."

"It can't be something you ate. Howie, Kevin and I had the same thing and we're all fine."

"It's nothing to get upset about," I assured him as I turned back around and grabbed the bottle of conditioner. "I'll lay down for a bit, maybe have a nap, and I'll be fine."

Brian pressed against me again as he reached around and grabbed the soap off of the tray. "You'd better be. I want to be able to squeeze you to my heart's content." A second later I felt his lips press against the back of my neck again, and then the bar of soap took their place.

"Are you hungry at all, sweetie?" Brian asked as I lay down gingerly on the bed. Once I'd stopped moving and gotten into the shower, the nausea had really caught up with me. I had a feeling it was more than just the cigarettes and alcohol in my system, though. My stomach had been in knots ever since I'd left the conference room. It had taken me two attempts just to get out of my chair.

Spending the afternoon in a bar certainly hadn't helped the situation, though. I knew I couldn't afford to actually get drunk so I'd just had enough to keep the edge off of the world, but combined with the smoking and an empty stomach it had been enough.

"Sweetie?" Brian sat on the edge of the bed and put his hand on my back. "You hear me?"

"A little bit," I told him, nodding. "Nothing too fancy, though."

"Are we looking for 'dry toast' kinda not fancy, or 'plain noodles' kinda not fancy?" His hand started rubbing gently.

I shifted under his hand and told him that the noodles sounded like something I could handle. He nodded, then leaned over and kissed my shoulder before heading toward the phone. He was back almost immediately, settling down onto the bed beside me.

"I should put some pants on," I said, speaking almost directly into the mattress. I'd nudged the pillows out of the way, liking the coolness of the bedspread against my forehead instead. "They're going to notice a naked guy on the bed."

"It's your room, sweetie," he chuckled, stilling his hand on the centre of my back. "You can be naked if you want to be."

"You shouldn't be here while I am, though."

Brian chuckled again. He was wearing only a pair of jeans. "Don't worry about it. I had it sent to Kev's room, and he'll let us know when it gets there. You just relax." Shifting beside me again, he lay down and pulled me close to him.

"Too warm," I told him immediately, pulling away again. "You're too warm."

"Okay, sweetie." He inched away from me and reached down to take my hand. "Can you at least turn your head this way?"

I lifted my head, turned it, and put it back down on the bedspread, giving him a smile. "Happy?"

"No, but it'll do for now," he smiled back and squeezed my hand. "Are you sure you don't want me to call someone? We've got first aid people on the tour, you know. Of course, you would have to put pants on for them."

I shook my head very slightly. "Don't call anyone. Just give me a little while."

"Alright. You think you'll be feeling up to the concert? You don't have to go, but I'd like you to be there if you can."

"I'll be there."

"Good." He leaned in just long enough to kiss my forehead. He was quiet for a few minutes before speaking again. "Did you manage to get any work done before you went out galavanting around the city?"

Thinking about the meeting with Jackie and Andrew caused another stomach-flip and I closed my eyes for a second, breathing deeply to make sure everything was under control. "Not much, no," I told him finally. "I might as well have left the computer off."

That much was true, at least. My computer had been sitting waiting for me when I'd returned from the conference room, but I'd only spent enough time in front of it to shut it down again. I had tried laying down but I was feeling too restless, so I decided to get out of the hotel for a while. After writing a quick note so that Brian didn't worry, I'd practically run for the elevator.

"Sorry, sweetie." He was keeping his voice low, barely a whisper.

I nodded to let him know I'd heard him, and squeezed his hand.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and put a shallow bowl down in front of me. "You want to sit up a bit?"

I slowly pulled myself up and turned over so I could sit against the headboard. "You didn't get anything?" I asked, seeing that the bowl was all he had with him.

"I'll eat with the guys while you nap." He handed me the bowl and a fork with a smile. "Kevin says you have to feel better or he's going to come in here and give you an airplane spin."

"Don't even joke about that."

"You're safe, sweetie. He'd never get that close to you while you were naked."

I smiled despite myself and started poking at my noodles with the fork. While they did have a light butter sauce on them, I'd never realised how boring plain noodles looked. Brian saw my expression and laughed. "It's better than dry toast. Eat."

To Be Continued...

Thanks for reading!

One week. Promise.

~D~

Next: Chapter 42


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