Brian and Me

Well, it's a little late, but better late than never, I suppose. Right? Right.

Thanks continue to go out to the usual suspects. :) I love you all for various reasons and in various ways. You know who you all are, and really there's not a thing I can say that I haven't said before to let you know how special you are to me, so from this point about all I can say is a heartfelt thank you to you all. Especially you, boo. :) SHMILY.

Disclaimer remains the same as ever. If you shouldn't be reading this because of you particular age/location/tolerance level/whatever, then please don't be reading it. If you continue past this point, I won't be held responsible for you.

And now...

PART 9

"Nate?" Brian tapped on the door.

"Just give me a few minutes," I called, trying to keep the waver out of my voice.

"Are you okay?"

"I will be in a few minutes."

I watched the shadow underneath the door as he stood there, wondering if he should say anything else. Apparently deciding against it, he turned and walked back down the hall. I sighed and lay back down again, closing my eyes. The tears that had threatened so suddenly hadn't fallen after all, but they were still close.

About five seconds later, I heard the door open, then close. "Brian, I just need a few minutes to pull it all together again. Please?"

"He's giving them to you. I'm not."

I raised my head a bit to find Andy standing at the foot of the bed. "Andy, not now."

"Dammit, Nate, this is exactly what you always do! Insist that you're fine, or that you're going to be fine soon, and then not talk about whatever is bothering you until it explodes inside you. Now shut the fuck up and start talking to me. Now."

"There's nothing that either one of you can do about it, Andy. Not yet, anyway."

"Then it won't hurt to talk about it. And could you sit up please? I can see right up your boxers."

I jerked myself up into a sitting position and wrapped my robe around me tighter. I also gave her the laugh she had been going for. She came around the side of the bed and sat down beside me.

"What's going on? You've got Brian worried now, and he's trying not to let anyone else know that you're upset."

"Andy, why is it that no matter how good we have it, we always want something more? How come we just can't be happy with the way things are?"

"You want more from Brian? Aren't you the one who didn't feel up to making a larger commitment?"

"This is different. I love Brian, but this is something that, no matter how committed, he wouldn't be able to give me."

"What is it? Brian would give you everything if you asked."

"I know he would," I said, looking down at the ring on my finger. He would give up everything he had for me. He'd told me as much, though I didn't need to hear it to know that it was true. One look in his eyes would do that. But there was always going to be one thing that he couldn't give me, no matter how much he was willing to sacrifice.

"Then what's got you so upset? Ask him for it, and he'll find a way to make it happen."

"Dig the shit out of your ears, sweetie," I said, smiling. It was one of our favourite expressions to use when the other was employing their selective hearing. "Brian can't give this to me."

"Who can?"

"No one, really."

"Nate, are you ever going to let me in on what we're talking about?"

I brought my knees up to my chest, and hugged my arms around them. "I want a baby," I mumbled into my knees.

"What?"

I raised my head. "I want a baby, Andy."

She shook her head slightly. "You're not ready to marry the man you love, but you want a baby?"

"Not right now. I'm not stupid. I'm the last person that should be raising a child right now. But seeing Norry last night and again this morning, and having Brian talking about marriage, I can't help it. I want kids, you know that." Andy and I had talked about this several times over the years. Especially after I had come out, since children became a much bigger obstacle.

She nodded. "I know you do. And you'll be a great father, but why won't you talk to Brian about this? He's going to have to know that you're not going to be satisfied with being Uncle Nate forever."

I shrugged. "We talked about it. Before, while we were in Memphis for vacation. We were in a park, and there were a bunch of kids playing. We sat down to watch them, and he asked me if I ever thought about having kids."

"And did you tell him?"

"I told him that I would like kids, yeah."

"And?"

"And he agreed that it would be nice, someday."

"So what's the problem?"

"I don't want to wait until someday, Andy. So many somedays never become todays. I don't want to have a baby tomorrow, but I want one soon. I don't want to be forty, thinking about how if I had a kid when I was my age now, he'd be in high school, and getting ready to start thinking about university."

"So talk it over with Brian. See what he has to say. I'm sure he'd be willing to look into it. You could do a private adoption or something, maybe."

"I don't want to adopt. I know it's not the nicest thing to say, but I want a baby that's mine. Adoption is a wonderful thing, and there's nothing more noble, but it's not for me. I have five blood relatives, Andy. Uncle Graham has two kids, and Tommy has one. I talk to none of them.

"I want to look at someone and know that there's that tie. Do you know what it feels like to know that there's no one on the planet that shares your blood and can be bothered to love you?" I was sniffling again, but I didn't care. There was a lot of stuff here that even I hadn't been aware of until now. Best it come out in the open. Dr. Lauler would have to hear about it too, I supposed.

"Nate--"

"No, Andy. Adoption is not an option for me. But neither is a surrogate right now. Nothing with the ideas of 'Brian Littrell' and 'gay' and 'baby' could possibly remain a secret. Someone would find out, and it could destroy his career. As long as Brian's famous and in the closet, it's not going to happen."

"And if you tell him, he'll feel pressured to leave the group, out himself, or both."

I nodded. "I can't do that to him and the guys, Andy. I know that he'd probably say that I'm making his decisions for him again. He's been saying that a lot lately, but I'm not. I couldn't live with myself if I forced him into something like that. I'm making a decision about me. I couldn't do it."

Andy put her arms around me and hugged me, letting me sit for a few minutes as she thought over what I had said, rubbing my back comfortingly. "You listen to me," she said finally. "This is going to work itself out. I don't know how, but you've got to stop doing this to yourself. Concentrate on what you do have, and what's waiting for you when you're ready. You're a long way from forty. You've still got time for things to change."

I knew that she was right. Worrying about this wasn't going to solve anything, and it would only upset both me and Brian, as well as those around us. But knowing and doing are two totally different things. Every time I saw a child playing, I'd be reminded that I couldn't have one. Every time Brian and I talked about our future, I would be thinking about how far into that future, if ever, we'd be bringing a baby home from the hospital.

"Good lord, look who I'm telling not to think about something," Andy laughed, giving me a squeeze.

I had to laugh. This was getting out of hand. "Did it ever occur to you people that I don't think too much? That maybe you all think too little?"

"No, it didn't. I don't really think about it," she said, making the lamest joke I'd heard from her in a long time.

"Ha ha," I said in a monotone.

"Look, promise me that you'll talk to someone about this. If you can't talk to Brian, talk to me, or Erron. Or Mom and Dad. You know how much trouble they had concieving me. They'll both understand what it's like to want a baby and not be able to have one. And talk to Dr. Lauler too. He's bound to be able to help."

I nodded against her shoulder. "I'll talk to him, and probably the rest of you too, but I don't want anyone talking to Brian about it. I don't need him feeling guilty for not being able to do this right now."

"You can't protect him from everything, you know. He's going to know something's wrong. And if you have a breakdown every time you're in the same room with a kid, he'll likely put it together on his own."

"I'll tell him eventually. Right now, things are more than stressful enough without having to wonder about whether he feels pressured to come out so he can give this to me. I know how selfish that is, but I just can't handle it right now."

Andy nodded and let go of me. "Okay. And you're right. Selfish is definitely the word for it. But being selfish isn't necessarily a bad thing, Nate. Sometimes it's the only thing that will see you through.

"You're probably the most oddly generous man I know. You're always thinking about how something's going to affect me, or Brian, or Erron, or the guy on the corner selling chocolate bars for the band, or whoever isn't you. Take some time, concentrate on you, and then start worrying about everyone else again."

I almost groaned at that. Andy knew I was absolutely incapable of passing a kid selling chocolate. I was compelled to buy at least one bar, or box, or whatever they were selling. My dollar could be the one that put them over the top for their trip, or their new equipment, or whatever. And I swear they could smell it on me. It seemed like they watched me from three blocks away, passing up other potential customers, knowing that they had a sure sale in me.

"What if I get lost in that, though? I mean, I spent that whole year being selfish, and look what happened."

Andy actually laughed at me. "You weren't being selfish, Nate. Think about it. Why did you leave Brian? Because you didn't want him and the guys to have to choose between you and Jackie. Why did you push everyone away? Because you convinced yourself that you would hurt us like you did Brian. The only selfish thing was the drinking, and that was understandable, considering the position you were in."

"Don't let me off like that, Andy. It doesn't help."

"Fine. I'm pissed as hell because you're the most selfish bastard on the planet. Happy now?" she laughed.

"You always say the sweetest things," I grinned, pinching her cheek. "Now, what do I tell Brian about this?"

"Whatever you want. I'll back you up that it's nothing huge, and that you're okay. At least that should set his mind at ease and get the worst thoughts out of his head. But nothing short of the truth or a really good lie is going to make him feel completely better."

I wouldn't lie to him. Like he had said in the hospital that first night, I'd rather not say anything than lie to him. "Okay. I assure him that I'm okay, and that it wasn't a big setback. When he comes to ask you about it -- and he will -- you back me up. Not a word about kids."

"Deal. Wipe your eyes, crybaby."

"Bitch." I laughed and elbowed her, using the sleeve of my robe to wipe at my eyes.

"I'm going to go out and let him know that you're okay. You want him to come in here, or you coming out?"

"I already came out. I'd be surprised if you missed it, because I was pretty spectacular at it, but I would have sworn you were there."

"Don't make me put you back in the hospital, Nate."

I laughed. "I'll be out in a few minutes."

"Okay." She leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek, then got up and left me alone.

I was just getting ready to go back out and face Brian when there was another knock at the door. "Come on in," I said from the window seat, expecting Brian to walk through the doorway.

I was surprised to see Nick instead. "You okay?"

"Yeah, thanks," I told him, sitting down again and patting the seat beside me. "How many people are wondering?"

"Me, Erron, Kevin and Carrie that I know of. Norry's keeping everyone else pretty busy, and your Mom and Dad are packing."

They were heading back to LA that afternoon so that Dad could get ready for a meeting the next day. 'No rest for the wicked' was one of his favourite sayings.

"Nate? Brian's pretty worried."

"I know he is, but I really am fine. Just a little down about something, that's all. Andy and I talked about it, and I'm feeling a little bit better about it. I'll talk to Brian eventually. Just don't blow this out of proportion, Nick. It's nothing to be overly worried about."

"If you say so. Just know that I'm here if you want to talk about anything. Erron too." I nodded my thanks. "Speaking of Erron "

I perked up. "News?"

Nick laughed. "I told you you'd be the first to know. Erron and I are going to give it a shot. I'm not saying that we're going to be, like, a couple, really. Nothing exclusive or really even committed, at least. Just messing around whenever we're together, really. We talked for most of the night last night, and there's just something about him. I feel a connection to him, Nate. I don't understand it, but it's there."

"You don't have to tell me, Nick. I felt it. For us, it turned out to be a friendship, but I hope there's more there for you two. You both deserve it."

"Thanks."

"No problem. As long as you're both happy, I'm happy."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why didn't it work out between you and Erron? You seem like you'd be a pretty good couple. You get along really well."

I smiled. "That was part of it. We got really close, then got involved. When we realised that we weren't sure about being together, we decided not to be. The friendship was there, and we didn't want to put that at risk on something that neither one of us really believed in. We just weren't wanting the same things, I guess. We're compatible as friends, but the heat wasn't really there between us."

"How could it not be?"

I grinned. "You've got it bad, man."

Nick sighed and leaned back against the window. "If you had told me a couple of years ago that I'd be sitting here thinking this kind of thing about a guy, I definitely wouldn't have believed you."

"He's a special guy."

"But why? I mean, you're right, but I can't put my finger on why he's so special. Why I'm attracted to him."

"I had the same problem. Erron's hard to nail down. He's unpredictable, but solid. There when you need him. He has an incredible ability to go from total flaming homo to average everyday guy. And in an instant, he can go from goofing around to being dead serious. You just never know what he's going to do or say. He keeps you on your toes. He's a man for all moods."

"And he's cute as hell," Nick added.

"Yeah, he is that. Really, Nick, I hope this works out for the two of you. If there's anything I can do to help, or you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you."

"As long as you do the same," he smiled.

"Deal. Now let's get back out there before they think you're seducing me." We almost made it to the door when I grabbed him and pulled him to a stop. "Lift your shirt for a second."

Nick arched his eyebrows and smirked.

"Just do it, pretty-boy. I'm not going to molest you."

Nick shrugged and lifted his shirt. Reaching my hand out, I touched a spot about halfway up his side. "Remember that spot."

"Why?" Nick moved his own hand to touch the same spot.

"Because you kiss Erron there, and he'll give you anything."

Nick's grin grew and he touched the spot again. "Right here?"

"That's the spot. Only on his left side, though. Right side doesn't do a thing. Just one of the little tips I get to pass on as the ex-boyfriend."

Nick pulled his shirt back down and I opened the door.

"Just don't tell him I told you. Surprise him with it," I whispered as we walked down the hall, both of us smiling.

Nick and I rejoined the others in the living room and found Howie, AJ and Kevin all wrestling and playing with Norry. Brian was talking on the couch with Erron, Kristin, Carrie and Andrea.

Walking over to him, I leaned over and kissed the top of his head. "Thank you," I whispered, putting my lips beside his ear. He gave me a questioning look and I nodded. "Much better."

He wasn't entirely satisfied, but he accepted it for the time being. Smiling, he lay his head back, reached up, and pulled my lips to his. "We'll talk about it later."

"Much later," I whispered back. "It's nothing huge, and there's nothing to be done about it right now, so I'm done talking about it for now."

Brian stood and pulled me along after him into the kitchen. I shot Andy a look, but she could only shrug.

"Tell me that there's nothing to worry about."

"There's nothing to worry about, Brian. I'm just not going to get into this right now. There's nothing to be done about it, so I'm going to try and let it go."

"You're upset about something."

"I was, yeah. And, I guess, I still am to some extent. But that's all it is. I'm allowed to be upset without getting depressed. Something made me sad, and I felt more comfortable talking it through with Andy. That's it. Don't make a bigger deal out of this than it is."

"I worry about you. Especially when you start crying for no apparent reason and lock yourself in your room."

I took his hand and brought him to me, pulling his head to rest on my chest. "I'm okay. I know you're worried, but just trust me that it's better to let this go right now. We'll get into it when the time's right."

He just wrapped his arms around me. "Promise?"

"I promise. Do you really think that if it were something major Andy would let me not tell you? If she thought that something were seriously wrong, she'd tell you in an instant. You know that."

He took a deep breath and let it out again. "She would tell me. And you wouldn't lie to me, right?"

"Right."

"And we'll talk about this?"

"Later, yes. There's just nothing to do but talk about it for the time being, and I'd rather not do that anymore. It just upsets me more."

"Do you have any idea how frustrating you are?" Brian laughed, pinching my back.

I fidgeted and squeezed him. "At least I'm sexy enough to get away with it."

"Good thing for you."

"Pretty good for you, too, I would think."

He grinned and nodded against me. "The best."

"So we're okay?"

"Yeah. I still want to know, but we're okay. I love you."

"It's hard not to," I laughed, pulling him after me and heading back to the living room. "Now let's get dressed and get back to playing host."

Mom and Dad were there when we rejoined the others. It seemed our hosting duties were going to have to wait for a while. Brian, Andy and I were driving them to the airport, and their flight was leaving in a little over an hour.

They went around and said their goodbyes to everyone, making sure to let Nick and Erron know that they were rooting for them. Mom and Dad had practically adopted Erron over the years as well, and they were glad to see him happy.

"I can come along," he offered, but they both declined.

"You stay and play host," I told him. "Make sure these guys are comfortable."

"I'm good," Kevin said with a smile. He and Kristin were practically one being, they were cuddled up so close in the chair in the corner.

I smiled, seeing the two of them together. They really were a good couple. I had thought that Carrie might be uncomfortable seeing them together like that, but it didn't seem to affect her at all. Which lead me to think about the fact that I needed to speak with Carrie about business.

Andy grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the door, reminding me that we had somewhere to be. I said a quick good-bye to everyone and followed behind Brian out into the hall and into the elevator.

Brian got the family goodbye at the airport, which made both Andy and I smile. Dad shook his hand, placing his left hand on the side of Brian's shoulder as he did so. It was, under normal circumstances, as close to a hug as he got.

Mom swept him up into a big hug and welcomed him to the family formally. The smile that appeared on his face when he heard her would have lit a darkened room. Andy took my hand and gave it a squeeze as we watched Brian being smothered in the hug, then released with a dopey smile on his face.

Andy and I got the same treatment (though Andy got a hug from Dad), but we were used to it and knew what to expect. Mom made Andy promise to call once she got back to LA, and made me and Brian both promise to call soon and let her know how things were going.

"Remember, you: no plans," I laughed as they were leaving.

"I get one plan!" she called back. "And I never promised that it wouldn't be a big one!"

I rolled my eyes and watched until they disappeared through the doors, then followed Brian and Andrea (they were walking hand in hand just to screw with any reporter's minds) out to the parking area again.

We stopped on the way back to the apartment to pick up enough Chinese food to feed an army. When we got there, I found the door locked.

"That's odd," I said, looking for my key. "They must have gone out."

"All of them?"

I shrugged and unlocked the door, then pushed it open and stepped inside, handing the bags I was holding to Brian. "Anyone here?" I called out, walking into the living room.

I stopped dead in my tracks and felt my jaw drop.

"Shit," Erron said, starting to laugh and sitting up, letting Nick get up as well. Both were blushing heavily.

"Would there happen to be a reason that the two of you have no shirts on?"

"We were just--" Nick said, then lost his voice, probably realising that any excuse was going to be a poor one.

"And would that reason happen to have anything to do with the door being locked?" I was enjoying this immensely. Just as I knew that they would have if they had caught Brian and I.

"Sweetie--" Brian stopped talking as he came up beside me and saw them. He started to laugh.

Erron handed Nick's shirt to him, then started to pull his own on as well.

"You know, sweetie. When I said to make sure that they were comfortable, I didn't exactly mean that."

"Yuk it up," Erron said, buttoning his shirt.

"Believe me, I intend to," I laughed, walking over to Nick. He had missed the first button, and his shirt was now done up crookedly. I quickly unbuttoned it and started to redo it for him, smirking at him the entire time.

His grin came through the blush, and soon he was chuckling along with me. "Did you find the right spot?" I asked in a whisper as I did up the last button.

Nick laughed and nodded. "You were right about it, too."

"I'm wise in the ways of Erron," I grinned, still keeping my voice too low for Erron or Brian to hear.

"What are you two giggling about?" Brian asked, coming over and putting his arms around me from behind.

"Nothing," Nick said quickly, buttoning his sleeves himself.

"I bet," Erron eyed us suspiciously.

"Now," I asked, "what happened to the rest of the people we left here? I definitely remember a tall, good-looking dark haired man. Joined at the hip with an attractive married chick, if I recall correctly." I smiled smugly.

"Probably got them tied up in the bathroom," Brian whispered, putting his lips next to my ear and making me laugh.

"Kevin, Kristin, Carrie and Howie went to get hotel rooms for them and AJ," Erron said, trying to look stern and not laugh at the same time. "And AJ took Norry out for ice cream."

"Ice cream? It's January in Toronto. Who eats ice cream?" We turned to find Andy standing in the doorway. Whether she knew what we had walked in on, I didn't know. But I suspected that she had missed it, or she would have had something to say about it.

"No one ever accused AJ of being normal," Nick laughed, dropping back down on the couch. Erron quickly sat beside him, making me smile.

"Jeff and Cindy are going to stop letting Norry visit if he keeps getting sugar rushes from Backstreet Boys," I grinned.

"Yeah, sure. As if his parents are going to object to someone else wanting to take him off their hands for a little while. You could hook the kid up to a chocolate IV and they'd still be thankful for the time off," Andy grinned. "Besides, with Norry gone for a bit, they're probably going at it like bunnies even as we speak." She turned back into the kitchen to finish getting the food ready.

"Seems to be a lot of that going around," I said quietly, just low enough to carry to the pair on the couch and make them blush again. Then I followed Andy into the kitchen to help, Brian still locked to me.

It was hard, but I managed to keep myself from telling Andrea what had been going on in the living room. I figured that I'd be fine with a bit of teasing if I got caught, but I wouldn't really have wanted everyone on the planet knowing about it. Brian and I just told her that everyone else was out getting hotel rooms, and she took it at face value.

"I don't know why they'd bother, though," I said. "there's more than enough room for everyone, now that Mom and Dad aren't going to be here."

"Maybe they want to give us some time alone," Brian suggested, kissing me.

"Maybe they want to be able to sleep without anyone moaning or shouting in the night," Andy suggested, then started to laugh.

Bastards. Brian and I stared at her, wondering how she had heard about it. "Who told you?" I finally asked, when I thought she had stopped laughing enough to speak.

"How do you know we didn't hear you from across town? From what I'm told, it was almost loud enough." Andy dissolved into more laughter, drawing a smile from both Brian and myself.

"You're such a shit," I told her. "I can't believe they told you."

"They didn't," she said, smiling.

"Then who did?" Brian asked, pulling me back against him.

"AJ told Nick. Nick told Erron--"

"And Erron told you. Little bastard." All thought about saving the boys some embarrassment went right out the window. I immediately told her what I had walked in on in the living room.

Andy's mouth dropped and she looked to Brian for confirmation, just in case I was making it up to get back at Erron for telling her about Brian and I. "Oh, this is going to be sweet," she said, grinning the grin that anyone in their right mind would run from. It was the one that told you that the gears were turning in her head, and she was getting ready to go to war.

We finished putting the food out onto the cupboard, and Andrea volunteered to go and get Nick and Erron. Brian and I shared a look and followed close behind, knowing it was showtime.

They were sitting on the couch, together but not touching, obviously still embarrassed about being caught. I felt an urge to let them know that it was totally okay, but fought it. I could do that later, after Andy had done her thing.

"You guys hungry?" She asked sweetly, getting their attention. "From what I hear, you didn't have much of an opportunity to work up an appetite, but at least it'll be easier to eat with just your own tongue in your mouth."

Brian and I started laughing behind her, enjoying the expressions on Nick and Erron's faces. Nick looked horrified, and Erron was trying to keep from laughing, knowing that it would look like he was siding with us rather than Nick. He had to at least pretend to be as embarrassed.

"You just had to tell her, didn't you?"

I nodded emphatically. "Yeah, I did. I wasn't going to, but then a little birdie told me about you passing along a certain bit of information to her, and I thought it only fair that I share too."

Erron finally let the laughter out, seeing a smile start on Nick's face. "How could you expect me not to tell? That's just too funny! Next time there's a house full of people around you, Brian, I suggest sticking a sock in his mouth."

"I'll keep it in mind," Brian said with a grin. "I suppose, though, that if we'd been a bit later, there's no telling what you might have had in your mouth."

Erron's jaw dropped to the floor, and Andy and I started laughing so hard we eventually wound up leaning on each other to keep on our feet. Seeing us, Nick finally got over the majority of his embarrassment and started to really smile.

Brian seemed rather proud of himself, and I gave him a well-deserved pat on the back for his efforts.

"Enough of this for now," Andrea announced, putting her hands up between us. "Let's eat before it gets cold."

"About time," Erron said, still shaking his head over Brian's comeback. He jumped up off the couch and helped Nick up, then brushed past us, elbowing Brian in the stomach on his way by.

Brian laughed again and chased him into the kitchen, while Nick and I followed at a normal pace. I was still wiping the tears off of my face.

"I really am sorry about that," Nick said, almost in a whisper. "We didn't think you'd be back so soon."

I stopped him and put my hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry about it. We're all just kidding around with you. I don't care if you want to make out on my couch, Nick. Hell, I don't care if you want to have sex on it, but put a drop cloth down first, eh? It's still practically new."

Nick couldn't help but laugh. He pushed me in the direction of the kitchen, then threw his arm around me.

AJ got back to the apartment about ten minutes after we started eating. He fixed himself a small plate and joined us. Norry climbed up on the couch and forced himself into position between Brian and I, leaning his head against me.

"You have fun?"

He nodded emphatically. "AJ bought me a present!"

I glanced up to find AJ grinning. "What did you do?"

"Well, I thought about a nice little piercing or a tattoo, but then I realised that he would just grow and stretch the image, so that went out the window."

"Not to mention the sh - stuff - I'd have to put up with from Jeff and Cindy," I grinned, reminding myself to keep the language under control in the presence of little ears.

"Well yeah, that too," he grinned. "So I picked him up something else."

"Wanna see?" Norry asked, looking up at Brian.

"Sure do, little man," Brian told him, reaching out and tweaking his nose. I remembered doing the same thing when Brian and I had been to Jeff and Cindy's for dinner. Norry was growing up so fast.

Norry jumped up off the couch again and ran for the front door. "I put it in the coat closet," AJ called after him.

"I remember!" A few seconds later, Norry came running back in and hopped up on the couch again with a smile. Brian and I laughed and shifted to give him more room.

"Remember what I told you to say?" AJ asked him.

Norry nodded and dug in the bag. We all laughed as he extracted a small, leopard-print cowboy hat. It looked like a miniature version of the one that I'd seen AJ wear for interviews. Norry put it on his head and looked up at me. "Check it out," he said, smiling.

I laughed. "Lookin good, man," I told him, adjusting the hat a bit so that he could see. It was still a bit big on him, but he'd grow into it pretty quickly.

Norry turned immediately for Brian's reaction. Since he was trying not to laugh and have Norry misinterpret it, he just gave the thumbs up.

"We were walking back from getting ice cream, and I saw it in the window. I knew I had to get it," AJ said, smiling. "Right, Norry?"

"Right." Norry nodded so hard the hat fell down over his eyes, making him laugh. I put my hand on top of his head and brought the hat back into position.

"Who's your buddy?" AJ asked.

"AJ's my buddy."

"Don't you forget it."

I wondered what sort of corruption I was going to be accused of when Norry got back home. He had left a relatively normal toddler, and he'd be returning a psychedelic cowboy.

Erron must have been reading my mind. "You be sure to tell your mom that it was AJ who bought it for you, and not us," he grinned.

"Norry?" Andy asked, then smiled as the hat swiveled when he turned his head. "I think it's time for your nap."

Obviously the wrong thing to mention. He started to whine almost immediately. I think it's bred into kids to do that. As much as I loved sleep now, I had hated naps too. After a moment, I got his attention again. "How about if I told you a story?"

"What story?" He eyed me warily, like someone going into a negotiation session.

"I'll make it up just for you," I told him with a grin.

He considered it for a minute, then nodded. I leaned back against the corner of the couch and patted my lap. He crawled up onto it and leaned against me. Brian moved a bit closer and pulled my feet up into his lap.

"Now, how does a story start again?" I asked.

"Once upon a time," Norry reminded me, giving me a look that made it clear that he thought I was mentally deficient.

"That's right," I said, pretending to remember. "Once upon a time..."

I wrapped up the story about an hour later. Norry had been sleeping for quite a bit of that time, but the story had wanted to come out, so I kept talking. When I finally looked up from Norry's peaceful face, I found Brian smiling out the window, Andy quietly reading a magazine, and Nick, Erron and AJ all napping as well.

Brian noticed me stop and looked back at me, still smiling.

"Looks like it did the trick on more than just Norry," I commented, looking back at the rest of the room. Nick and Erron were leaning together on the other couch, and AJ was sitting with his back against the wall and his head on his own shoulder. I knew he would regret the position later.

"That was nice," Brian said. "You just made that up right now?"

I nodded and looked back down at Norry. His little eyelashes were quivering as his eyes moved in his sleep.

"You should write it down."

"Can't," I whispered, moving my feet out of his lap and putting them on the floor. I stood, carefully picking Norry up, and headed for the spare room to let him sleep.

"Why not?" Brian got up as well and followed behind me.

"He doesn't remember it," Andy commented, not looking up from her reading. I smiled, thinking about just how well she knew me. Nudging the door open with my foot, I carried Norry into the room and lay him down on the bed.

"How can you not remember it?" Brian grabbed a blanket off of the chair in the room and spread it out over him.

"I don't know, I just don't." I knelt beside the bed, reaching out to smooth Norry's hair back from his face.

"Sleep well, little one,

Lay back and close your eyes.

Sleep until the night is done,

And it's time again to rise.

Sleep well, little one,

I'll keep the fears away.

The battles will be fought and won,

Before you next see day.

Sleep well, little one,

Dream the dreams of your heart.

See the tales your mind has spun,

And hear these words as you depart.

Sleep well, little one,

By the grace of god above,

Sleep well, little one,

And take with you my love."

The words surfaced in my head, and before I realised it, I was singing them softly, watching him sleep. I hadn't thought of that little song in years, and wouldn't have believed I could remember it if I hadn't heard it coming out of my mouth. I choked up a little at the very end, but I managed to finish.

"That's pretty," Brian said, putting his hand on my shoulder.

I cleared my throat and stood up. "Thanks. My mom used to sing that to me when I was just a little kid. She sang it every night before I fell asleep. On the nights that she wasn't home -- like when she and my father went on trips or when there was a party -- I had a tape of her singing it that she made. I couldn't go to sleep without hearing it. I even had a piece of paper with it written down so that I could at least read it if I spent the night at a friend's, or at my grandparent's house."

I hadn't looked up at Brian once while speaking. My eyes were fixed on the little boy in front of me. I felt Brian's arms wrap around me from behind. "Nana didn't know the song. Mother never told anyone. It was something that only she and I knew about."

"What about your father?"

"I don't know if he knew it or not, but I don't think he did. He was one of those dads who refused to get a nightlight because a kid has to face their fears. If he had known that I needed to be sung to sleep, he wouldn't have liked it. Wasn't manly enough."

I placed my hands over his and leaned against him, enjoying the warmth of his body against mine, and the comfort that I drew from him.

"Nate?"

"Yeah?"

"We'll have one someday. I promise."

My breath caught in my throat and I stepped away from him, turning to look into his face. He was smiling and enjoying the dumstruck expression he had created. "What?"

"I'm not stupid, sweetie. I see the way you look at him, and how loving you are with him. It's like there's a part of you that's pretending that he's yours." He pulled me back to him and gave me a hug. "I know that we didn't really talk about it seriously before, but it was pretty clear that you wanted to have them."

"But you can't--"

"Not right now, no. But let's face it, things are eventually going to have to change so that we can. I'm not going to be content to just keep hiding our relationship, Nate. I hate having to do it, but I will. For the guys and for myself too. For now, we have to be a secret. But I promise you that someday soon we'll be able to hold hands on the street, and we'll be free to do whatever we want together. Including having kids."

I nodded against him and sighed. I knew that it was all he could commit to, but still, that word 'someday' got to me. It could be another decade before someday came. "You knew earlier what was wrong, didn't you?"

"I had an idea that this was it. I was watching you watch Norry while he was sitting in front of the TV, and then when you gave him your necklace. It was pretty clear what was going on in your head."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

Brian leaned back and smiled. "You didn't want to talk about it with me. Besides, you said things were okay, so I decided to let you come to me with it when you were ready. Once I saw you with him just now, and heard your explanation of the song you sang, I couldn't not say anything."

"I didn't want to pressure you."

"I know you didn't, and you haven't. I love you, sweetie, but I also love my job. I can't and won't give it up any more than I'll give you up. Hopefully it won't be too long until we're convinced that I can have both, but this is something that we're going to have to talk about, because I promise you that one day it will be a reality."

I smiled and took his hand. "Thank you."

"Just doing my job."

"Thanks for making it your job." I smiled and pulled him along after me on my way out to the living room again. I sat back down on the couch and pulled him to me, kissing him.

He kissed back, leaning foward until I fell back on the couch, and then climbed on top of me. I sighed as our lips parted and he started to kiss his way down to my neck.

With a laugh, I pushed his head away. "Let's try and keep a one-hickey limit there, suction-boy."

Brian laughed and slid his hand between my legs. "You never complained before."

"You two try not to get too carried away, or you'll hear plenty of complaints," Andy said from her chair. I had forgotten she wasn't sleeping.

Brian's hand disappeared instantly.

"So did you talk to him?" Andy asked. She knew she wouldn't have to elaborate.

"No, he talked to me," I told her, keeping Brian from getting off of me. He finally stopped trying and lay with his head on my chest. I raised my head and winked at Andy as I slipped my hands under his belt.

Brian tensed a little, but after a gentle pat from me, he calmed again.

Brian and I eventually fell asleep on the couch, since there wasn't anyone else in the room to make conversation with. Andy, while awake, seemed to be in a quiet mood suddenly. She did that from time to time. I knew that there wasn't anything specifically bothering her, but that she just had something on her mind.

It was most likely business. There didn't seem to be much time that she didn't spend thinking about business. Luckily, the sarcastic, fun part of her brain usually seemed to operate independently from the contemplative part. There were the odd times when she was having difficulty with a particular client or file that she would turn in on herself until either she had worked the problem out, or someone dragged her back to her surroundings.

Brian seemed content to leave us both with our thoughts, so I simply lay there, running my hands gently over his back and listened as his breathing changed. Once I knew that he was asleep, I drifted off as well, my thoughts turning back to the promise that he had made while we were putting Norry to bed.

When I woke up, the apartment was once again filled with people. Apparently having your own hotel room didn't mean that you couldn't still hang out at my place and eat my food.

The first thing that I noticed was that Brian's weight was gone. Opening my eyes, I glanced around and didn't see him. I saw just about everyone else, but not him.

"About time you woke up," AJ said, seeing my eyes open. He jumped up off the floor and sat down on the couch I was laying on. I moved my feet just in time to avoid having my legs broken as he dropped onto the cushion. "I've been sitting there waiting for a real seat. You take up too much room."

I grinned and pulled myself up into a sitting position. "Gee, I didn't realise that there was a limit to how much of one's own personal space one was allowed to take up."

"When one has guests, one is expected to make them comfortable, not sprawl across the couch and make them sit on the floor."

"What do you want from me?" I asked, throwing my hands up with a smile. "I told you a story so you could get to sleep, and now you're bitching because I wanted to catch a nap too?"

"You left me on the floor! The least you could have done was give me a pillow."

"Poor baby," I laughed, standing up. "Here." I grabbed the pillow I had been using and whipped it around, catching him off-guard. Then I ran.

I looked back when I got to the hall, expecting AJ to be right behind me. Instead, I found him curled up on the couch where I had been. Shaking my head, I wandered down the hall, figuring that Brian must be in the bedroom.

Opening the door, I found Kevin and Kristin sitting together in my reading chair. They both blushed, even though they hadn't even been doing anything remotely embarrassing.

"Sorry," Kevin said, trying to get up. With his wife on his lap, he had a bit of trouble.

I reached out and pushed him back down into the chair. "Don't worry about it. I was just looking for Brian."

"He left about twenty minutes ago. Wouldn't say what he was doing. Just that it was going to be a surprise for you."

I smiled and wondered what Brian had up his sleeve. "Guess I'll just have to wait for him. I'll leave you guys alone again." I turned to walk back out of the room, but Kristin called me back.

"We weren't doing anything. Just looking over your books. Brian told Kevin about them."

I arched my eyebrow. "I didn't think that it was enough to warrant a tourist attraction. Just stuff that I'm interested in, or have been in the past." I came back into the room and sat down on the foot of the bed.

"It's a pretty broad range of stuff here," she said, indicating the bookshelves. "I would have expected some of it, since I know that you studied English, but there's a bunch of stuff here that I wouldn't have thought you'd be into. Like all this new age stuff."

I could tell from her tone that she would almost certainly have called it 'new age crap' if she hadn't thought that I was interested in it.

"Well, like I said, it's stuff that I've been interested in before. The stuff you're talking about is from the last couple of years at university. I got interested and picked up some stuff on different things. I still look it over every now and then. Whether I'm a believer or not, I don't know. But it's interesting stuff to think about."

"I guess," she said, obviously not agreeing.

"And you never know," I continued. "Something from one of those books might just work it's way into one of my books."

There was a light knock on the slightly-open door, and Carrie poked her head in, smiling at us.

"I think we'll leave you guys alone," Kevin said, making an effort to stand again. "You've got things to talk about."

"Sit your cute little butt down," I ordered with a smile. "You're right about Carrie and I having some stuff to work out, but I don't see any reason that you can't be in the room while we do that."

"You sure?"

"Absolutely. Unless Carrie has any objections." Carrie shook her head to indicate that she didn't have any, so I got the ball rolling.

"Okay," I said, leaning forward a little bit. "I know that this is going to be a lot to ask, considering the hell I put you through with the last book there at the end, but I might be in the market for an editor again."

"Might?" Carrie asked, coming further into the room. She stopped at the window, looking out and down at the other buildings and people below.

"That's right. I can't make any committments until I've tried a new novel. But I definitely want to keep my career if I can. Like I said, though, I completely understand if you and the company don't want anything to do with me after what's happened."

"First of all, the company doesn't know exactly what happened. They don't know about the drinking, or about the suicide attempt. They'll have to know, obviously, but right now as far as they know, you were just feeling a little sick and burnt out, and you've been taking a break from writing for a while. I've had your contracts on my desk for a few months now, waiting for you to decide whether you were going to sign them or not.

"Second, I'm not about to hold everything against you. Kevin's explained to me what happened last year, and how bad it got this year, too. He also filled me in a bit on your past. Not everything, but enough to make me understand a bit of what was going on in your head. As much as I can, anyway."

"I didn't think that you'd mind," Kevin said sheepishly, obviously regretting having opened his mouth.

"I don't," I assured him. "I probably should have said something about it before I signed my first contract. Let them know what kind of whacko they're dealing with." I laughed to let them both know that I was kidding. "I'm glad that you told her."

"What it all boils down to is this," Carrie said, bringing us back to business as she sat beside me on the bed. "I want to edit your next book. You want to write another one, and have me edit it. So, how about if I send the contracts to Celia, and we get them straightened away?"

"No."

Kevin, Kristin and Carrie all looked at me like I was insane.

"Celia doesn't know anything about what I'm thinking in terms of my career. She's forgiven me for all the crap that I put her through, but I still don't know if she's going to be willing to represent me yet. Plus, I don't want to sign anything until I know that I'm going to be able to write again."

"What about the book you wrote for Brian?" Kevin asked, indicating it sitting on the window seat.

"That was different. For one thing, it's not ready to be published. For another, it was already mostly written when I picked it back up. The story was already laid down, I just had to bring it all to an end. It's another thing entirely to start something new and build it from the ground up."

"Nate, I don't know how much longer I can hold on to those contracts. People are already starting to wonder if you're burnt out, or hiding something," Carrie said gently, not wanting to push me.

"Give me a bit more time, please? Even a month, maybe two, should be enough for me to get back into the swing of things, if I still can. But I don't want to be signing up to write any more books until I know that I can. I think I can, but that's not good enough."

"I can tell you that it's a really good deal for you," Carrie continued, probably deciding that a little push wouldn't hurt. I knew that she had been counting on being my permanent editor before I had broken down, and I was sorry for putting her out like I was.

"I'm sure it is. How about I give Celia a call and find out what's going on with her as soon as Brian and the guys leave? If she's still willing to be my agent, you can send the contracts to her. I'll take whatever heat there is after that. You'll have done your job and given me the contracts. That way, you're not in hot water over my stupidity."

Carrie nodded and gave me a smile. "You're going to flip when you see the figure they're offering. Based on 'Blue Sky' sales, and projections for 'Time's Garden', they're banking on you quite a bit."

"Good. I think I might want to be doing a lot of travelling," I returned with a grin of my own. "The extra money will come in handy as I chase my boyfriend from show to show."

With business about as settled as it was going to get for at least a few days, we moved on to cheerier topics. Kevin told us all about what was going on with the guys, and Carrie talked a bit about a couple of new writers that she had been assigned, being sure to point out that her workload was being kept relatively light so that she would be ready to jump on my new book if I re-signed the contracts.

"So you're just going to be writing after we leave?" Kevin asked, looking like he regretted bringing up the fact that they would only be in town for a couple more days.

"Trying to, anyway. Setting things back up to where they were before everything went to hell, basically. I'll probably come see you guys in a few weeks, once the book is hopefully well under-way, then I'll get back to it. If there's one thing that Brian and I have learned in this last year, it's that we can survive without each other if we have to. We don't like it, but we can do it."

"I wouldn't want to be the one paying the phone bills," Kristin laughed.

"I'm thinking I might just let Brian call me," I told them, laughing myself. "But we'll get through it. As long as things are good for both of us, we'll be happy. He can come visit whenever he can, and I'll come to you guys too."

"Nicky's going to be coming north too, now that he and Erron are whatever he and Erron are," Kevin pointed out.

I smiled just at the thought of them together. Then I looked at the couple in front of me and grinned. "Looks like we're doing pretty good with people's love lives, eh? You and Nick are paired off, now I'll just have to see what I can do about AJ and Howie."

Kevin laughed and took Kristin's hand. "How about hooking one of them up with Andy?"

I shook my head. "She and I have talked about dating. She's not all that interested right now. Her career is going well, and she's fulfilled as it is. She's done a bit of casual dating, but nothing serious. I was starting to get worried about her, but she really is happy the way things are."

"What about Celia?" Carrie asked with a giggle, getting me started.

"What?" Kevin asked, not in on the joke.

"Celia's in her forties, married, with kids my age," I explained. "She's really nice, and not hard on the eyes at all, but I don't think that either one of them would be interested, even if she were available. Besides, she already got mad at me when you and Carrie started seeing each other. She wanted you for herself."

Carrie laughed harder as Kevin blushed.

"The way things are going," Kevin said finally, probably hoping to knock things off-track, "AJ and Howie might wind up together."

I smiled and shook my head. "I don't think that's likely to happen. You should have seen them this morning. You could have held a convention in the space between them on that bed. Unless you've got something to confess, I don't think we have to worry about any more Backstreet Boys boogying out of the closet."

"Nope, no confessions from me. I'm happy with things just the way they are."

"Good answer," Kristin smiled, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"Speaking of the way things are, I do believe that there's a little Richardson that I have to meet," I said with a grin.

Kevin's face looked like it was lit from within. I felt a momentary pang of jealousy. Kevin, without even meaning to do it, had achieved what I so badly wanted. I pushed the feeling away quickly, contenting myself with the knowledge that at least I got to be Uncle Nate again.

"He's perfect," Kevin said, still glowing. "You've got to see him."

"I fully intend to. I'm thinking that when I make the trip down to meet you guys in a few weeks, I might just detour through Memphis. Give me a chance to see Gerald and catch up with Kathy and Matt too."

"Ashley," Kristin said, trying not to laugh.

"What?"

"We call him Ashley," Kevin elaborated with a grin of his own. "It's his middle name, after Matt's wife."

"Oh. I guess I should have known that." I frowned a little, thinking about just how out of touch with the world I had allowed myself to get in the last year.

"Don't worry about it. He's only nine months old. You've got lots of time before he starts calling you on it," Kevin laughed, trying to get my expression to change. "There's no way you would have known. The birth announcement had his full name on it, and other than that, you haven't had any other contact with anyone to find out much else about him."

"I saw him, you know," I said softly, still lost in the shambles that made up the year we had just said goodbye to. "At the wedding."

"Yeah?"

I nodded. "Kathy was holding him and talking with Matt."

"Why didn't you go over and say hello? You could have met him then, and Kathy would have been glad to see you. Matt too, for that matter. They kept asking if I'd heard from you every time I went down to visit."

I shrugged and sighed. "I wasn't in the best shape at the time. I was already most of the way to being pissed out of my gourd, and I wasn't in a very good mood. All I could do was sit and think about how I'd never have Brian in my life again, and how I wanted to be the one standing at the altar. I spoke with Matt and JC right after the ceremony, and then took off. I just couldn't handle it any longer, and I was afraid of running into one of you guys and having to explain myself."

"I knew that you talked with them and left early. Brian went looking for you as soon as he could, but you were gone."

"Pretty sad, eh? Get plastered at a wedding, then take off so that you don't have to talk to anyone. And to be sitting there wishing it was me, then to turn down a proposal from Brian six months later?"

Carrie let her hand fall to the small of my back. "You were doing the best you could. If I remember correctly, the book had just been sent in, right? You didn't have anything to pour yourself into any more. I've heard authors say that they feel lost when they're in between projects, and you must have been feeling it even more with the way things were."

"But if I hadn't been so stupid and afraid, we might have worked all of this out at the wedding. Instead, I just ran away and avoided everyone."

"And if Brian hadn't been so stupid and afraid, you would likely have gotten together in LA that first time you met, rather than a year later. You would have had a year longer together, and would have been secure enough to stand up to Andrew and Jackie, and there wouldn't have been any need for this last year of crap," Kevin said.

"That wasn't Brian's fault, though. He didn't decide to hurt my feelings and run away from his own. That was gut reaction."

"And you did decide." Carrie waited for me to look up at her before she continued. "You decided that, rather than hurt Brian more, you would leave. What you did was loving and brave, Nate. And where Brian's concerned, that's pretty much gut reaction for you. The fact that it was stupid is secondary. You were doing what you thought was best."

"And boy did it work out for the best, eh?" I flipped my hands over and looked pointedly at my arms. The sleeves of my shirt hid the scars, but we all knew they were there. They were healed over and not bandaged anymore, but they were very white, and stuck out like the proverbial sore thumb when they were visible.

Carrie took my hands and turned them back over, hiding my wrists. She pointed out the band of silver on my finger. "Yes, they did."

I smiled, looking down at the ring. It already felt so natural, so right there. I couldn't imagine ever taking it off, though I knew I would eventually, when I gave it back to Brian to put on my left hand again. I had a feeling that it would feel even more natural there.

"So what do the symbols mean, anyway?" Kevin asked He and Kristin got up and knelt in front of Carrie and I. He took my hand and studied the ring. "I can't believe Brian did this without telling me."

"I thought for sure you would have been in on it," I agreed, then explained each of the runes on the ring, and the meaning behind them. Kevin grabbed one of my books off of the table where I had left them and leafed through it.

"I didn't know Brian was into this kind of thing."

"I don't know if he is or not. Last year, when we went to Jeff and Cindy's cabin for the week, he brought one of those books with him to read. He was interested, but I didn't think that it had left such an impression with him."

We talked for a few minutes about Brian and I, and Kevin tried to get me to give him some sort of idea when I would be ready to accept Brian's proposal. I smiled as he went to sit down again in the reading chair.

"I don't know when it'll happen, Kev. If I get a new book started and it works out, I'll be a long way to feeling secure enough to think about it. But I've got a ways to go still. I'm going to be continuing my sessions with Dr. Lauler until we're both convinced that I'm going to be okay. I'll be talking about this with him too, and hopefully he can help me get a handle on everything."

"Just try not to make it too long, huh? I'm kind of in the mood for another wedding."

"Well, feel free to get hitched again," I laughed. "You've got both feet on the ground and a wonderful woman. Maybe she'll let you have another one."

Kevin blushed and looked at Kristin, who seemed to be enjoying herself. Kevin finally spoke, the colour in his cheeks diminishing slowly. "Nah, I couldn't compete. No one throws a party like you fruits."

Both of the women in the room gasped and looked about to chastise Kevin for his comment when I started to laugh. Catching the grin on Kevin's face and watching me try not to fall off the bed brought out a smile on their faces too, though they shook their heads at him, still not believing that he had said it. Soon we were all laughing.

"I hate to bring up business again," Kevin said, calming down again and giving me a sympathetic look. "But I have to ask what you want to do about Andrew and Jackie. I know that you didn't want to do anything while you were still in the hospital, but now that you're out, something has to be done. We're anxious to get Andrew out of our lives, and I know that Brian's having a hard time pretending that nothing's wrong between him and Jackie."

I sighed and flipped around on the bed until I was lying on my stomach and facing Kevin and Kristin, with Carrie still beside me. "I guess we have to do something about it, eh?"

"I've got an idea about what we can do with Andrew, but Jackie's something else entirely. That's pretty much up to you and Brian, though you know that we'll be there for support if you need it."

I nodded. "I know you will be. I'm not sure what to do about Jackie. I mean, I'd like to try and get through all of this without destroying their relationship, but I don't see that happening. Brian's so determined to fight with her."

"I think that's a pretty reasonable reaction," Carrie pointed out. "After what she's done to the two of you."

"I understand that," I said, trying to figure out a way to explain it to them. I finally came up with a way to put my feelings into words. "What do each of your parents do? And how are your relationships with them?"

Carrie told me about her parents jobs, and a bit about how she had grown up. She didn't understand what I was trying to get at, but she gave me the information. By the sound of it, her parents had doted on her and her brother and had been excellent role models. That wasn't surprising, given how well she had turned out.

Kevin then took his turn and talked about his family a bit. His father had passed away, which I had already known, but Kevin spoke very lovingly of him, as he did of his mother. His respect and admiration for both of his parents was evident. Kristin's story was pretty much the same as each of theirs had been.

When they were done, I looked at each of them in turn. "My parents are both dead. They weren't the best parents in the world, but they certainly weren't the worst either. I never got a chance to let them really know who I was, and I've only recently started to discover how special they were, and how much there was to admire in them, even at their worst.

"I don't want Brian to destroy his relationship with Jackie, regardless of what she's done to us. At least she's still there, and he's got a chance at a relationship with her. It's not going to be easy, obviously, and it might not even be possible, but I don't want him to throw away something that I would kill for. I'd give anything to have my mother back, even for just a day."

They all nodded. "I can understand that, and I'm sure that Bri will too," Kevin said. "But given the way he feels right now, I don't think you should get your hopes up. He's still really upset with her. He blames her for you winding up in the hospital."

"I know he does, but I'm going to do my best to keep him from destroying that relationship. If it can't work, it can't work, but I want him to try."

"If anyone can get him to do it, it's you," Kevin smiled. "He'd walk through fire if you asked him to."

"I'm afraid that's exactly what I'm going to be asking."

Brian returned about a half hour later with a plastic bag over his wrist. He kicked off his shoes and made a bee-line for me. Rather than join me on the couch where I was talking with Nick, he took my hand and asked Nick to excuse us.

Nick had no more than nodded than Brian was pulling me down the hall with him. I noticed that everyone was watching us, wondering what was going on, but Brian didn't say a word until we were alone in our room with the door closed.

"Miss me?" His smile surfaced as he leaned in for a kiss.

"Of course I did. Where did you go, and why all the secrecy?"

"Just wanted a minute with you," he said, sitting with me on the bed. "And as for where I went, I went looking for something. I had a brainstorm when I woke up, and I had to do something about it."

"And do I get to know what's up?" Brian grinned and pulled out a box from the shopping bag, handing it to me. It was a small tape recorder. "This is nice, sweetie, but what's it for?"

"I got to thinking after you and I put Norry to bed. About how you made up that story and then didn't remember it."

"I remember the basic plot, but most of it's gone."

Brian nodded. "So, I figured that next time, you can record it, then write it down later and tinker with it until it's perfect."

I didn't get it. So what if I couldn't write down the story? It was a kid's story. Those were no problem. I could just make up a new one the next time I needed to. My confusion must have shown on my face, because Brian smiled and explained further.

"That way, when our little one comes, you'll have a bunch of stories on paper for him or her. And you'll also have them on tape, so that they can listen to their stories when you're not there to tell them. Like your mom recording that song for you."

I found myself smiling for a couple of reasons. The first was the way Brian had made our having a child a definite thing. It wasn't 'if' we had one, but 'when.' I was almost positive that Brian wasn't just saying it to reassure me. He honestly expected it to happen.

The second was his thoughtfulness when it came to my situation with my mother. I knew that he was more sensitive to my feelings toward her than anyone else, and having him try to help establish that bond again, not only between my mother and me, but also between me and our child, meant a lot to me.

I leaned over and pulled him to me, just holding him and trying to find the words to let him know how much I appreciated him, and how lucky I felt to be able to have him at my side. "I love you," was as close as I could come, though I knew that he could hear the rest in my voice.

"I love you too, and you know what?"

"What?"

"I really wish you'd kiss me right now."

"I think that could be arranged." I tackled him, pushing him back to the bed and climbing on top of him. We inched our way to the top of the bed, and by the time we got there I had Brian's shirt most of the way off, and he was working on mine.

"Uncle Nate?"

I practically leapt off of the bed. Trying to pull my shirt back on, I turned to find Norry standing in the doorway. I also found that I could hear the rest of my wonderful friends laughing in the living room. "What is it, Norry?" I managed to ask, already planning new and slow methods of torture for them.

"Aunt Andy's taking me home."

"Oh, okay," I said, finally getting my shirt buttoned. I looked over and saw that Brian was still working on his. "Come here and give me a hug then."

Norry came running over and jumped into my arms as I sat back down on the bed. He gave me a hug and a quick kiss, then let go and jumped across the bed to get Brian.

Brian picked him up, stood, and planted Norry on his hip. Reaching out, he pulled me up from the bed as well and we walked out into the hall together.

Everyone was smiling innocently when we got to the living room, but I made sure to glare at each of them. Another few minutes and the poor impressionable child would have gotten a pretty good eyeful. Brian put Norry down, and I noticed that AJ was pulling his coat on too.

"Norry asked me to come along," he explained, handing him his new hat.

I smiled and turned to Andy, who was putting on her shoes. "Do me a favour? Ask Cindy to give me a call. There's something that I want to talk to her about."

Andy nodded and held her hand out for Norry to take. He gave everyone in the room a final wave, then they closed the door behind them.

"You're all dead, you know," I announced, turning to face a room full of smiling faces.

"Oh, did the young one interrupt anything?" Erron asked, trying to look innocent. "We just thought that you'd want to say goodbye."

"Sure you did." I smiled and pulled Brian down to the floor in front of me. I leaned against the wall and pulled him back so that he was sitting against my chest. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I kissed his neck as he took my hands.

"Think you've got enough Beatles stuff here?" Howie asked, looking through the CD's beside the stereo. "You must have everything they put out."

"Most of it, probably. And you can never have enough Beatles music."

"I didn't know you were a fan of theirs." Kevin got up and joined Howie at the stereo.

"My mom adored John Lennon. She used to teach music, and she thought he was one of the best writers ever born. I guess it kind of rubbed off. I don't see how you could not be a fan, though. Their sound changed so much over the years, and there's a song for every mood and situation."

"Really?" Brian asked, turning his head to glance sideways at me. "What would you pick for right now?"

I thought about it for a minute, then started to laugh. I considered getting up to find the song on one of the CD's, but I was comfortably wrapped around Brian, so I started to hum softly, then started singing to him, trying to ignore the fact that there were other people in the room.

"Baby's good to me, you know,

He's happy as can be, you know,

He said so.

I'm in love with him and I feel fine."

Brian smiled and kissed my hand, resting his head back against my shoulder. "Good choice."

"I'm more partial to their later stuff," Kevin said, going back to the CD rack. "Though I'm not really an avid fan."

I let the two of them go through the CD's, each pulling one out every few seconds to show the other. The collection was pretty impressive, I suppose. I needed music going when I worked. It kept the rational part of my mind occupied while I played with the creative part.

Leaning forward so that my lips were beside Brian's ear, I started to sing again, choosing a softer song this time. It had always been one of my favourites. I kept my voice low, so that only Brian could make out the words. I knew that the rest of the room could hear me when Nick looked over and smiled, but they could probably only make out the tune.

I saw Erron lean over and whisper something in Nick's ear, catching his attention away from the two of us. Nick's grin expanded, and he turned it on Erron, stealing a quick kiss.

I closed my eyes and concentrated on the song, trying to remember the words. It had been ages since I had even listened to it, since it was on one of the CD's that I didn't care for much. When a CD only had one or two songs that I liked, it didn't usually make it into my music rotation.

As I finished, I felt Brian's hands release mine and settle on my shins as he put more of his weight back on me and sighed. Opening my eyes again, I gave his neck a kiss and put my head on his shoulder.

No one spoke for a long time. Howie and Kevin finally agreed on some music, and they put it on the stereo and returned to their seats.

It wasn't long before Andy and AJ were back, finding themselves spots where they could. "Cin's going to call you tomorrow," Andy said, dropping down beside Brian and I.

"Okay. What did they have to say about Norry's new headgear?"

AJ laughed and ruffled my hair on his way by. "They loved it, of course."

"Now, what did they really think of it?" Brian asked Andy with a grin.

"They laughed for a few minutes, but Norry's absolutely in love with it, so they finally decided to just let it go. The way he's growing, it'll be too small for him soon anyway."

"Then we'll just have to find him a bigger one," AJ said, dropping down on the couch beside Nick and Erron. He threw his arm around Erron's shoulders. "How's the new one?"

The smile on Erron's face brought one to my own. I remembered how wonderful it was to realise that the guys were accepting your new place in their lives. Though I don't recall ever being referred to as 'the new one.'

"The new one's hungry," Erron smiled. "Who's cooking?"

Brian opened his mouth to answer, and I suddenly knew that he was going to point out that Nick had something to feed him. I clapped my hand over his mouth before he could speak. "Whoever is doing it, they've got run of the kitchen."

"We'll get something," Kristin announced, pulling Kevin up with her. "I haven't had to cook for this many people in ages."

"I guess we'll get something," Kevin laughed, following her into the kitchen.

After everyone was gone, I got myself a drink and went out on the balcony. Brian and Andy, who had decided to stay in the spare room now that there was room, were playing cards at the dining room table, but I had declined an offer to join them.

The balcony was pretty well-protected from the elements, so I didn't have to brush any snow off of the railing before climbing up on it so that I could sit and look out over the city and think about things.

The thing that I thought about most, of course, was the ring on my finger. I knew that I had done the right thing in not accepting Brian's proposal. There was no way that I was in a position to tie him to me like that. But, as so often happened, there was a voice in my head berating me for being an idiot.

I knew that Brian was the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and there was no doubt in my mind that we would eventually wind up at the altar. So, that voice questioned, why didn't I just marry him now?

But the answer to that was clear, even if it was difficult to put into words. It wasn't time yet. I wasn't ready for it. All in all, I thought Dr. Lauler would be pretty proud of me for going with that instinct and listening to myself.

I let my thoughts wander, hoping that they would lead me to a starting point for a book. Wander they did, but they didn't take me anywhere close to a beginning of a story. Instead I wound up thinking about the different bonds of friendship that I had in my life. The different relationships I had managed to foster.

I jumped a little when a hand landed on my leg. Looking up, I found Brian smiling at me. "You've been out here quite a while. You okay?"

"Yeah, just thinking." I patted a spot on the railing next to me, inviting him to join me. He took a look over the side of the building and shook his head, opting instead to lean against it. I smiled and let my leg dangle over the edge.

Brian reached over and took my glass out of my hand and brought it to his lips. I noticed that he took a second to sniff at it before he drank.

"It's just water," I said softly.

He finished his drink and handed the glass back to me sheepishly. "Sorry."

"Don't be. I suppose we should talk about that, eh?"

"It's not that I don't trust you."

"I know. I was pretty bad there for a long time. Hell, there's a few periods that I don't remember at all."

"So what are we going to do?"

"We're not going to do anything." I put my hand on his arm and made him look at me. "You don't have a problem. I do. And I'm not going to be doing any drinking until I'm sure I can handle it. And if it turns out that I can't handle it after all, I won't be doing any more drinking after that."

"Do you want to join a program or something?"

I shook my head. "Not right now. Maybe if it proves necessary later. But for now, I want to see if I can handle this on my own. I've got enough support around me that I think I can. And unless I miss my guess, you've already de-liquored my apartment."

Brian smiled and nodded.

"Did you get the little bottle in my night stand?"

"No."

"Then remind me later, and we'll dump that one too. I think being in that hospital -- as much as I hate to admit this -- was good for me. The first little while was rough without being able to smoke or have a drink, but it's not so bad now."

"Good."

"As for the drinking, we'll see. I'd hate to give it up entirely, but if I have to, I will. You'll just have to try harder to make sure I have a good time without it."

Brian grinned and gave me a kiss. "I think I can handle that."

"I thought you might."

We were quiet for a few minutes. Luckily for me, it was a pretty mild night, or I would have had to listen to his bitching about being cold. When he did speak again, it was on another topic altogether, and I knew that he would let me do things my way. "So what were you thinking about?"

"Nothing in particular, I guess. Do you believe in soulmates?"

The question took him off-guard, but he nodded almost immediately. "If I can be allowed a momentary slip into sappiness, I think you're my soulmate."

"It's not sappy; I feel the same way. But I guess what I meant was do you believe in soulmates in a friendly way. Like, outside of romance."

"I don't follow."

"I just think of the whole concept as being beyond romance. Like there's just a fundamental part of some people that calls out to others and draws them to each other. There are some people out there, I think anyway, who are just meant to know each other. Like Andy and I."

"Or me and Nick."

I nodded. "Exactly like that. It's like there's some sort of beacon inside of each of us -- or those lucky enough to experience this sort of thing -- that calls to other people. I feel it with Andrea, and I feel it with Erron too. With both of them, I knew that I would wind up knowing them for the rest of my life."

"That's the way it was with Nick," Brian said. "I got the call to come and join the rest of them, and from the first time I met him, I knew that we would be friends."

"Oddly enough, I can feel it with Nick too. The night we met, there was something there. And after you and I got together, I was amazed by how quickly our friendship moved. Aside from Andy and Erron, I've never made friends so quickly with someone. That's one of the reasons that I think Nick and Erron will be good together."

"I hope they're happy."

"Me too. They connected pretty well at the cabin, but this is different. Unless there's something that he hasn't told me, this is his first actual attempt at any sort of relationship with a guy."

"It is. He and Theresa saw each other for about six months or so, but he's never even been on a date with another man. I hope Erron takes things slow enough for him." Brian's brow creased with worry as he spoke. I knew he was thinking about their make-out session earlier on my couch.

"Erron will only go as far as Nick wants to," I assured him. "He was very aware of stuff like that when he and I started seeing each other. He'd done a lot more dating than I had, and he knew it. He'll do the same with Nick. Between you and I, Erron kind of fell for him after our time at the cabin. Not for the Backstreet Boy, but for Nick. He was pretty upset after we got back and he couldn't see Nick anymore."

"Nick was pretty down about it too. I tried to get him to call Erron after you left, but he wouldn't do it. Not long after you left, Erron called me to find out what happened, and Nick answered the phone. After that, they talked quite a bit."

"I knew that they were talking, but we didn't really talk about it," I said, looking away from Brian and feeling ashamed of myself for the way I had treated him. His mention of my leaving had brought everything closer to the surface than I liked.

"It's okay," Brian told me, putting his arm around my waist. He didn't say anything for another moment, and when he did speak, it was with a smile. "So exactly how far did Erron get you to feel comfortable going?"

I laughed and arched my eyebrows. "Far enough. As it turned out, I'm glad it didn't go further than it did. He's great, but I think it would have made things awkward after we stopped seeing each other. We slept together a few times, but nothing too serious. Pajama bottoms were always present."

Brian smiled, obviously happy about the fact that he was the only one to get into my pants. "Sweetie?"

"Yes?"

"I don't suppose you'd like to climb down off of there and put your arms around me, would you?" His smile grew in reaction to mine.

"I'd love to." I spun on the railing and dropped down onto the balcony again. Brian stood looking out and down, and I moved behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, nuzzling his neck.

"Do me another favour?"

I thought of telling him that getting me to hold him hardly qualified as a favour, then decided to nibble on his ear instead.

"Sing to me again. The song that you sang this afternoon?"

"Brian."

"Come on, it was nice."

I sighed and agreed, then cleared my throat and tried to remember the first few words. I made a promise to myself to teach it to him, so that he could sing it in the future instead of subjecting himself to my voice. Humming a little bit to get the tune in my head, I started to sing.

When I was finished, I heard Brian humming along with the last few words. "That's pretty." The song wasn't that complex, but it had always been one of my favourites, and I was glad to find that Brian agreed with me. I had found that sometimes simplicity was best. One could get so wrapped up in how they said something that what they said is lost.

"I'm glad you like it. I have it on CD around here somewhere. I'll give it to you before you go."

"You don't have to do that."

"Really, it's no problem. I don't even like the rest of the CD."

"I could just make you sing it to me over and over, though."

"I think not. I don't think that I want to subject my angelic-sounding friends to my caterwauling. It's more for them than me, really."

"It's not that bad, you know."

"Still, it's not what I do. You sing, I write. That's the deal. And I believe you have an entire book sitting in our room to prove it. You could just read that when you're missing me."

"As if I'm going to see it when we leave here! Nick's already been leafing through it, and the rest of the guys are going to want to read it, too."

I grinned and squeezed him tighter, burying my cold nose in his neck and making him squirm. "Then you're going to have to get tough and take it back from them, aren't you?"

Brian turned in my arms and put his forehead to mine. "How about I just get tough and take you instead?"

"Sounds like fun," I whispered, kissing him. "Tell you what: if you can carry me into the bedroom, you can have me."

"All the way into the bedroom?" I nodded and smiled. "What happens if I drop you?"

"Then, as I see it, you have two choices. You can either have me where I land, or you can wait until I get myself to bed, and then you can have me. But I warn you, Andy's in that apartment, and I don't think you really want to get into anything too involved if you happen to drop me in the hall. She's liable to take pictures."

Brian grinned and scooped me up. Considering that I was a bit bigger than he was, I wasn't entirely sure of his being able to get me to the bedroom. I was preparing to be dropped about half-way there. But, as it turned out, I didn't need to worry. He carried me to the door, managed to get it open without bashing me into it, and got me inside. Closing the door again with his foot, he walked to the couch and threw me on it.

"Damn, dropped you. Guess it's the couch tonight," he laughed, climbing on top of me.

"You hear me complaining?" I pulled his lips to mine.

Brian had my shirt pulled up and was trying his hardest to give me another hickey when we heard Andy's bedroom door open. We both froze.

"Don't stop on my account," she said calmly, walking through the living room and into the kitchen. We heard her get herself a drink of water, then she walked back out. "Please, do continue." Brian started to giggle as her door closed again.

"You heard the lady, get going," I laughed, giving him another kiss. "But I warn you, if there's another hickey on any visible part of my body, you're a dead man. Not only that, you're a dead man who won't get to sleep with me for a long, long, long time."

"Visible part of your body?"

I nodded, then laughed as Brian slid lower on the couch and started to suck on my chest.

Twenty minutes later, I sat up a little and looked down at myself. Brian had been resting on top of me for the last few minutes, his head in the centre of my chest. "I think we should probably get to bed, eh?"

"Sounds good to me," Brian agreed eagerly, sliding off of me and standing up again. He reached out and offered me his hand. "You tired?"

"Depends on what you have in mind." I stood and pulled my shirt back down.

"I promise you'll like it." Brian continued to hold my hand as he dragged me into the hall, shutting off the lights on the way.

"I usually do, don't I? You go ahead and brush your teeth. I'm going to say goodnight to Andy."

Brian continued down the hall, and I turned and lightly knocked on the door to the spare bedroom.

"Come in."

I opened the door and stuck my head in. Andy was sitting on the bed, reading one of the books off of the shelves in the living room. She held it up for me, and I had to laugh. It was 'Blue Sky.'

"Haven't you read that one?"

"Yeah, but I keep coming back to it, hoping that the author will show more talent than he did the last time. No such luck though."

"Well, aren't you sweet."

"I've been told that," she agreed as I stepped into the room. "You two off to bed?"

"Yeah."

"You looked pretty comfortable on the couch," she smiled, setting the book aside and patting the bed beside her.

I walked over and sat down, looking closely at her. "You okay? I mean, you've been quiet all afternoon."

She sighed and nodded. "I'm good. Just thinking about stuff."

"Anything you want to talk about?"

"I guess. Just being around so many happy couples makes me wish for something more, you know?"

I nodded, thinking about my conversation about just that earlier in the day.

"For the most part, I'm happy with the way things are. But sometimes, there's a part of me that wonders what it would be like to have someone to come home to. Seeing Brian and you together, and Kevin and Kristin, and Jeff and Cindy, and now Nick and Erron, just makes that all a bit stronger."

"Oh, sweetie. Why don't you start dating?"

"I don't want to date. That's just it. I'm just sick of coming home to an empty house, I guess."

"What about a roommate?"

"I've been thinking about that. Would you mind?"

"Hell no. I know that the place is half mine and all, but realistically, how often am I there? And besides, there's the spare room. The new roommate could use that one if they wanted. Or we could move my stuff into there. If having a roommate is something that you want, then I'm all for it."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"But what happens if you and Brian want to come and visit?"

"We'll deal with that if it comes up." I had never liked the idea of Andy living by herself, and I knew that it worried Mom and Dad as well. The thought of there being someone else in the house was more than worth any sneaking around Brian and I might have to do. Besides, we could always go and stay with Mom and Dad if we had to. Their house was more than big enough.

"Then I think I'll take out an ad when I get back. It'll be nice to have someone around to hang out with in front of the TV. I've missed that since you left, you know."

"I know. I missed it too. I'll come visit more, I promise."

"You better. You've got a lot of time to make up."

I grinned and patted her knee. "Anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"I don't think so. I think I'll finish up this chapter and go to bed. When the hell is 'Time's Garden' coming out, anyway?"

"I've been wondering about that too," Brian said from the doorway, making us both jump. "Sorry."

"Well, the company wasn't all that impressed that I didn't get it to them in time to have out for Christmas, but it should be on the shelves in a couple of weeks. It's a good thing that 'Blue Sky' is still selling well. They're pretty positive that 'Time's Garden' will follow suit."

"I'm sure it's wonderful," Brian smiled, stepping inside and leaning against the doorframe.

"I'm sure we're all getting autographed copies," Andy added.

"Geez, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were just using me for free books." I got up and joined Brian at the door. "But count on the autographed copies. I'll have to write a list of everyone who needs one."

"Don't forget Matt and JC," Brian reminded me.

"I won't. I think I'll hand deliver those two. I'd like to see them both again, and it will give me a chance to see your little cousin too."

"You're going to love him."

"I'm sure I will. With two beautiful parents, he's bound to be a cute kid."

"He is," Andy said.

"How would you know?"

"Kevin's got a picture in his wallet. Kristin too."

I slapped myself in the head. It was pretty stupid of me not to think of that. What kind of proud father didn't carry a picture of their kid? Brian laughed and dug into his back pocket, pulling out his own wallet. Flipping it open, he handed me a picture.

I smiled as soon as I looked at it. From what I could see, Ashley had Kevin's eyes and Kathy's blond hair. He was indeed a cute little boy. And the fact that he was wearing a huge Backstreet Boys t-shirt made him even cuter.

"Isn't he adorable?" Brian asked, peeking over my shoulder.

I nodded and continued to look at the picture. A slight frown came over my face as I realised that he was almost ten months old and I had only seen him once, from afar. How did I manage to let things get so far out of hand?

"What is it Nate?" Andy asked. Brian wasn't facing me, so he hadn't seen the frown.

"Oh, just thinking about how incredibly stupid I am. Nothing new," I joked, handing Brian back the picture. He gave me a careful look as he slipped it back into it's plastic sleeve and put his wallet away. "You ready for bed, Bri?"

"Sure."

"G'night Andy," I said, smiling at her.

"Night, sweetie. Sweet dreams."

"With this one beside me, how could I not?"

"Flattery will get you everywhere," Brian laughed, taking my hand. "Night, Andy."

"Good night, Brian. And try to keep him quiet."

I was about to say something when Brian pulled me out into the hall and promised to try. He closed the door with a laugh and pulled me down the hall.

"Now, whatever will we do with the rest of the evening?" Brian asked as we walked into the bedroom.

I closed the door and threw him onto the bed. "Well I can tell you one thing, mister," I said, pulling off my shirt and looking down at the three new hickeys on my chest and stomach. "You've done more than enough for the evening. It's my turn."

Brian sighed dramatically. "Well, if you insist." He pulled his own shirt off and fell back onto the bed.

To Be Continued...