PART 120
I was awake, but I was fighting it. I could tell by his breathing that Brian was still asleep, so I kept my eyes closed and tried to grab hold of the last scraps of unconsciousness. The attempt finally failed when Brian rolled over in his sleep and managed to elbow me in the ribs. Sighing, I rolled away from him to give him the room he obviously felt he needed.
I came to rest on my stomach, and opened my eyes to see the bright green numbers on my alarm clock telling me that I still had time to sleep for a couple of hours before I had to be up. Knowing that there was no way I was going to be able to go back to sleep, I cursed the clock and shut off the alarm.
Brian grunted and shifted beside me again, getting me to turn my head to look over at him. "Go back to sleep," I whispered, running my hand down his back.
"Unh."
"Sure," I smiled, sliding my feet over the edge of the bed and standing up.
I leaned over to pull the blankets over him again, then grabbed some underwear from the dresser and headed for the kitchen.
I had set the coffee maker before we went to bed, so I made a short side-trip through the kitchen to flick the switch and get it started before starting into the living room. I had been planning on sneaking through the room so I could sit at the window for a little while without waking Nick up, but soon discovered that it wasn't necessary. Nick wasn't there.
The couch was a mess, so I knew that he had spent part of the night there, at least, but he wasn't there any longer. Looking from the couch to the hall, I turned around and started down the hall again until I came to Erron's room. The door was closed, so Erron wasn't in there and the room wasn't empty. I knocked lightly, but got no answer. I hadn't really been expecting one, so I opened the door just far enough to see Nick curled up in the bed, then shut it again.
Trying not to jump to conclusions, I went back down the hall to get my computer so I could finish up my email to Brad. Brian hadn't moved, and showed no further signs of consciousness, so I just grabbed my computer bag from the desk and went back out into the living room. I had it out and running by the time the coffee was ready, and I was soon tapping away at the keys again, reorganising and adding to the notes that I had written on the ride home from the cabin.
It took me about twenty minutes to finish it up and send it off, and then I found myself sitting alone in a quiet apartment with nothing pressing to do.
Already it was starting to feel like a strange place to be. I was getting used to hotels and the bus, and the other things that came along with life on tour. It felt strange to be 'home'.
Putting my feet up on the window sill and relaxing back in the chair, I wondered how strange it must be for Brian and the rest of the guys. I had only been on the road with them for a matter of weeks, not the months and years that they had spent touring. 'Home' must soon become a completely foreign concept. I had to smile at the irony of my situation. I would have given anything to get away from home when I was younger, and I was now lamenting the loss.
Touring again. Back to the bus, the hotels, the entourage. Back to sharing Brian with the rest of the group, and with the world. Back to advisors and meetings, rehearsals and fan events. Back to a world that I didn't belong in, and could never fully be a part of. I could visit, and would always be welcome, but it wasn't mine.
My eyes turned from the window to the coffee table, taking in the computer.
That was where my world was. In the now-dark screen, where I felt most at ease. I ruled it. Things happened because I willed them to happen. I'd found a way to have the control that I'd always thought was missing in my life. It was the one thing that allowed me to function in Brian's world, where once more I found myself largely without control.
I sighed as I sipped at my coffee, thinking about how I had been avoiding writing more and more since Brian and I had begun spending more time together away from the reality of his being a Backstreet Boy. It just hadn't seemed as important. The ideas were still in my head, waiting to come out, but the pressing need to release them had lessened.
Writing was my escape, and had been for as long as I could remember. I didn't need the escape as much anymore, though. My life was becoming what I had been looking for in the stories I wrote. Looking back on everything that I had written - from the first short story to my latest chapter of the new book - there was one thread that ran through it all. Every main character was looking for something or someone to give them what I had found with Brian: completion, acceptance, and hope for real happiness.
I smiled at my own cheesiness as I stood and starting wandering around the room. My finger trailed across book spines, CDs and knick-knacks as though visiting old friends. Each had some sort of story behind it. Some piece of the puzzle that was my life before Brian. They had meaning only for me, and only I would miss them if they were suddenly removed from the shelves they currently occupied. In many ways, I realised, I had always considered my own status to be quite the same.
But, that had changed. My place had expanded, and the proof of that was sleeping soundly just a few rooms away. Almost before I knew I was doing it, I was walking back down the hall. I stopped just inside the door, looking across the room at Brian, who was still sleeping in the same position. His head was just peeking out of the top of the blanket, with his hair sticking straight up on the pillow.
Setting my coffee down on a bookshelf, I crossed the room and slipped into the bed behind Brian. I found myself sighing as I lay my head down on his pillow and slipped my arm around his waist.
"Where were you?" he half-moaned, shifting.
"Just finishing up something," I answered, rubbing his back. "And doing a little bit of thinking."
"Good thinking?" Brian turned his head on the pillow so he could see me out of one squinting eye.
I smiled back at him. "Middle-of-the-road, I guess. Good thinking about weird stuff. How's that?"
"If it gets you back into bed, I'm happy."
"Then be happy," I whispered, leaning forward to kiss his forehead. "I'm staying right here."
"Nope. C'mere." Brian shifted even closer to me, turned onto his back, and pulled me to him. "If I've got hold of you, you can't leave again."
I chuckled and obediently dropped my head to his chest, putting my arms around him as well as possible. He pulled the blanket up over my back, then crossed his arms on top of it, holding me to him. His breathing evened out almost before the blanket did, and I knew he was asleep again.
Sighing, I nuzzled against him. The romantic as well as the author inside of me took note of the way he had woken without me beside him, and how quickly he had fallen back to sleep once I was there again. The recognition fit in nicely with my earlier thoughts. This was my place; it was where I belonged.
And the world was about to start plotting - unknowingly, for the most part - to keep me from it. As much as I tried to convince Brian that I was fine with the way things were, and that there was no big rush for him to get to the point where we could go public with the relationship, I did want it to happen. And I wanted it to happen soon. Even telling myself that it meant that Brian would finally be free of the weight on his shoulders wasn't enough to keep me from realising that it was an entirely selfish desire.
I could be happy if the worst came to pass and Brian's career nosedived after his coming out. So long as Brian was happy, of course. But, that was the problem. Brian wouldn't be happy without being able to do what he loved. No more than I could be without being able to write. We could likely find some form of contentment, but we'd always be looking for that missing piece.
Of course, my mind pointed out, careers like Brian's were known for their brevity. Sticking around in the music industry - especially the pop music industry - was an incredibly difficult thing to do, and I didn't think any of the guys had illusions of being in the spotlight for the next twenty years.
I pushed that thought away as soon as it properly registered. Not only was I incredibly uncomfortable thinking about Brian's life in such cold terms, but I knew that it was a moot point. There was a big difference between having one's career wind to an end and having it cut short. Brian and the others were somewhat prepared for the first. The second would be much more painful, and I wasn't at all ready to be the one to bring it about.
Rather than dwell on that, I shrugged the thought away and concentrated instead on the sensation of being where I was. There were very few people who had ever done what Brian was currently doing. Being held wasn't something that I had a lot of experience with, and Brian was one of only two people who had ever been able to hold me and make me feel completely content to be there, without worrying about some outside concern.
The only other person who could lay claim to that was Nana. There were, of course, times when I had gone to her looking for comfort, just as there were with Brian. But there were also many times when I had gone simply because I loved her and because it felt right to be there.
When I was very small, I was convinced that there was magic in Nana's knee.
Five minutes on her knee was all it ever took for me to be fast asleep. She would sit, rocking slightly and gently stroking the back of my head, and whatever worries I had instantly disappeared. Nothing could harm me in those moments. There was only Nana and I, and I trusted her completely to make sure I was safe. After a few moments, even the two of us were gone and I was sound asleep. Nightmares never touched me on those nights.
There was much of that with Brian, and more. The comfort was there, and the security. There were times when Brian caressed my cheek or ran his hand down the back of my head when I could feel Nana's touch in his. But there was also a longing, unformed yet disquieting. I knew he wasn't always going to be there. He couldn't be, as long as the rest of the world was kept in the dark. That knowledge sat in the back of my mind, almost like an itch that you can feel starting, but that hasn't yet become bad enough to scratch at it.
I had never doubted that Nana would be there when I needed her and her magic. Even after she got older and I was too big to sit on her lap, it had never occurred to me that there would be a day that she wasn't there to hold me. I couldn't say the same for Brian, though. I knew that there were going to be plenty of nights when I'd be falling asleep looking at the empty space beside me and trying to remember what it felt like to have him holding me. The comfort was going to have to recede to make room for the longing.
Now that I had had Brian holding me while I slept, I wasn't looking forward to those nights without him. While we had half-joked about not being able to sleep without each other, I was afraid that in my case it might well prove to be true. Unlike him, I wouldn't have the strenuous exercise that went along with a tour to knock me out at night. While I was only planning on being away from him for a week or two at most, it still wasn't a pleasant thought. Though I could take some comfort from knowing that Andy would be there.
Andy and I had spent the night together countless times, holding each other while we talked and eventually fell asleep. I had enjoyed those nights a lot; the closeness of being there with another person went a long way when you were feeling lonely. But there was a loneliness there that Andy could never touch, no matter how much I loved her. Regardless of how nice it was, it was impossible to forget that there was no romance to it.
The romance was what I had always craved, and now that I had it I didn't like the idea of doing without. I loved Andy, and knew she loved me, but there was always the underlying knowledge that I had no real tie with her. Not in the way I wanted to have with someone, at least. There was nothing saying that she was going to be there the next night. That someone else wouldn't come along who could form the bond with her that I couldn't.
Andy had always understood that, just as I had understood that she was using me for much the same purpose. While she didn't quite long for the romance, it was the closeness she wanted. She had always been better able to stand on her own than I had. Andy eventually wanted to settle down with the husband and family, but she was in no real hurry. Even the best of us get sick of sleeping alone, however, and that that was where I had come in. Still, there had always been the knowledge that she didn't need me there beside her.
Things had been different with Erron. We had spent many nights together in the same bed, though nothing had ever happened sexually. As affectionate as he was, Erron was not normally a cuddly sleeper. If we were in close quarters, like on the nights that we fell asleep on the couch watching TV, he could manage it. But if there was room he took it. He might lay with his arm or hand resting on my body, but he rarely held me while we slept. He had explained it to me the first night we had slept together as a couple, and I had tried to understand. Knowing that he would be there, even if he wasn't actually holding me, had been enough for me. For a while, at least.
Once Erron and I had been together for a while, having his arms around me during the day but not at night had started to weigh heavily on my mind. I began to doubt that it was really his nature, and that it was something that I was doing that caused him not to want to hold me. Since sex - or the lack of it - was already on my mind, it hadn't taken much to convince myself that the distance between us at night was a result of my continuing inability to make love with him.
Once the thought had made it into my head, it was difficult to banish. Every night it seemed as though Erron's body got a little bit further away from mine, and I began waiting for the night when he wouldn't be there at all. The night he found someone who would be able to give him what I couldn't. When that happened, I was positive that I would once more be sleeping alone.
It wasn't, of course, a valid thought. It was unfair to Erron, unflattering to myself, and totally untrue. To the best of my knowledge, he had never even thought about sleeping with another man during the time we had spent together as a couple. But fears and insecurities are rarely rational, and by the time we had split up mine had been running rampant. There had been other reasons for our deciding to just be friends but, in my mind at least, the space between us always seemed to be a result of my insecurity about Erron wanting me there beside him.
There had been a total of two other men who had made it far enough into my life to share my bed. Looking back on it, it occurred to me that my own lonliness had been just as much of a factor in them getting there as had any trait either of them possessed. I had known from the beginning - as they must have - that there was no chance for a long-term relationship. Sex hadn't even been an issue in my mind, since I knew we weren't going to last.
The space that had been there with Erron reappeared, but this time it was me who had initiated it. With Andy, being in the same bed had been empty, yet comforting. With Erron, it had been empty yet hopeful, at least in the beginning. This was nothing. It was emptiness without any sort of saving grace, and I couldn't convince myself otherwise. The idea that I had been able to do so even long enough to wind up next to them for the few nights I did made the realisation even worse.
After those two failed attempts at finding closeness, I had resolved to myself to being alone. I still wound up next to Andy or Erron some nights - usually those when I was feeling particularly along, but some of what comfort being with them had held was now all but gone. It wasn't what I was really looking for, and it was getting harder and harder to settle for anything less.
I had finally found it with Brian, and it was more valuable and rewarding than I had ever dared to imagine. Without doing anything more than simply being there, he gave me the comfort I had found with Andy, and the closeness I had missed with Erron. What's more, he both wanted and needed me there beside him as much as I wanted and needed him there.
He had told me once, on the morning after our first night together, that I had been giving him what he needed without even realising that I was doing so. Now I knew what he had been talking about. He'd been doing the same thing for me, though I hadn't stopped to consider it until that morning, lying in his arms. All of the comfort, romance, closeness, and wanting that I had been looking for was right there beside me, one arm wrapped protectively around me.
Suddenly, I very much wanted him awake.
Running my hand down his body, I brought it to rest on his stomach, letting my index finger dip into his navel. "Sweetie?"
Getting no answer, I moved my hand again, gripping his hip as I put my leg over his, winding up straddling him. Leaning forward, I brushed his lips with my own. "Sweetie," I whispered again, directly into his ear. Sill, he didn't start to respond until I bit his earlobe.
Letting out a soft moan, he turned his head into mine, and I knew he was awake when I felt his hands rise to my waist, his fingers slipping just under the waistband of my boxers. I smiled, letting his earlobe slip from my mouth, but not pulling my head away. "Good morning," I whispered, blowing gently into his ear.
Another soft moan. "It's starting off well," he answered, clearing his throat to get rid of the morning huskiness. Personally, I liked his morning-voice. "Are we going to be late?"
Shaking my head, I settled my weight onto him, then kissed him again. "We've got lots of time."
Brian smiled and shifted slightly under me. His legs slid out, then back again, crossing his ankles over mine so I couldn't get back up. Not that I wanted to. "Then why, my dear," he asked, "did you wake me up?"
My answer was another kiss, more urgent this time. From the way his hands dropped, taking my boxers with them, I knew he needed no further explanation.
Brian nudged me. "You still awake?"
I had my eyes closed, but I knew he was looking at me and I smiled. "I'm awake."
"Can I ask you something?"
Finally opening my eyes, I rolled over and rested against him again, much as I had been before I woke him up. I knew what was coming. "Of course you can."
"What was that for?"
"What was what for?" I asked coyly.
"You know exactly what I'm talking about." I got a light slap on the lower back.
"Since when do I need a reason, pookie?"
He raised himself up on his elbows to look down at me. "You don't need a reason, but this time was... different. You may not need a reason, sweetie, but I've got a couple of marks on my back that say you had one."
"Sorry about those."
"I wasn't complaining. Though Kevin will kick both of our asses when he sees them."
I laughed. "Then try not to strip for your cousin. And keep your back away from him when you're in the dressing room."
"Like he won't notice anything strange about me changing with my back against the wall," he chuckled. "So, can I take your trying to change the subject to mean that you're not going to tell me what that was about?"
"Really, it was noth-"
Brian's finger descended on my mouth. "Don't lie to me. If you don't want to tell me, say so. But don't tell me it's nothing."
Smiling, I bit his finger. "Okay. It was -- it was a thank you, I guess."
"What'd I do to deserve that?" he laughed softly. "I'll have to make sure I keep doing it. Maybe even try harder at it, just to see what I get next time."
I slapped him on the stomach as I laughed. "You got the thank you because you did it without knowing or trying."
"I still don't know what I did."
"You wouldn't see the big deal if you did. That's part of why it's so special." I could see he was about to protest again, so I raised my head from his chest and kissed him to keep him quiet. "It's enough that I know, Brian."
"But what if I stop doing it, by accident?"
"I don't think you could if you tried," I assured him with a smile. "Don't worry about it."
He looked closely at me for a few moments. "Does this have something to do with whatever you were thinking about earlier?"
I nodded. "But I'm done thinking for now."
Brian smiled and ran his hand down the back of my head. "Okay, you keep your little secrets," he finally said. "But, for the record, 'thank you's are welcome - particularly when they're like this one - but aren't necessary. I owe you a few, too."
I continued to smile as I dropped my head to his shoulder, burying my face in his neck and enjoying the closeness.
"Sweetie?" he whispered a few minutes later.
I had almost been asleep again, and barely managed to respond with a "hmm?"
"You are so welcome."
PART 120
I almost ran into Brian on my way into the bathroom. He opened the door just as I was about to knock, startling me into moving back a step. He smiled at me. "Morning, sweetie. Again."
He leaned in for a quick kiss, then tried to move around me, but I grabbed the ends of the towel he had around his neck and pulled him back into the bathroom with me. Using the towel to pull him closer, I kissed him again. "Why'd you let me fall asleep again?"
Brian continued to push against me, walking me across the room and up against the vanity. "You seemed to need it," he laughed, kissing my neck. "Besides, if you don't sleep now, you're going to be dead when we get to Dallas."
"I can sleep on the plane."
"I thought you said you wanted to write on the plane."
"Well, if it comes down to getting to spend time in bed with you or getting to write on the plane, I'm picking bed."
Brian backed off a little bit and shook his head. "Then I get blamed for distracting you, and you start getting more phone calls about not getting your writing done."
"Let me worry about that." I leaned toward him, but he put his hand on my chest and pushed me back again.
"I'm serious. I don't want to be interfering with your writing."
"It's not that bad, Brian."
"It is that bad, if you're getting phone calls from people who aren't supposed to be calling you directly. Would you keep me from going to rehearsals, or encourage me to skip recording or a concert?"
"Of course not."
"Well, this is the same thing." Brian smiled at me and reached up to put his hand on the side of my neck. "So, you have a choice. You can work on the plane, and nap when we get to Dallas, or you can nap on the plane, and work when we get to Dallas. Either way, I want you to have something written before you get into bed with me tonight."
"Yes, sir."
He caught the tone in my voice, and his smile lessened immediately. "Sweetie, I don't like feeling like I'm messing things up for you. And you said yourself that you needed to get back into a routine."
"A routine, yes. A schedule you set up, no. What happens if I get blocked? You kick me out of bed? I appreciate what you're trying to do, Brian, but I need to get back into the groove on my own terms, or it won't work."
"But-"
I gave him a look to quiet him, then sat on the vanity and pulled him closer. "But nothing. I promise I'll get back writing like I should be. I can't promise when I'm going to do it, though. I've never worked well like that. I never have a set time that I write, or a set number of pages that I do a day. Doing that just gets me writing for the deadline, not the story. Now, I'll try and get some done today, but that's all I can promise."
He looked at me for a moment, and then nodded and rested his forehead against mine. "Okay. Just concerned."
"I know. You're going to have lots of practise time the next few days, right?"
"Yeah. A couple of days to get back into it, and then the show."
"Then I'll get back into the groove of things while you're busy. You'll be gone, and I'll be all alone at the hotel, so I'll have time. Deal?"
"Deal." He pressed forward just long enough to kiss me again, then stepped back. "Now you get showered. For once, I'd like us not to have to rush to catch a plane."
"If you had woken me up when you got up, we could have showered together to save time."
Brian took the towel from around his neck, and put it around mine. "I don't think so. The mood you were in earlier, we'd likely still be in the shower now."
"You know," I sighed, running my finger down his chest, "rushing to catch a plane isn't that bad."
He took my hand, kissed it, then returned it to my side. "Get cleaned up, sweetie. I'm going to get dressed, get Nick up and around, and see about finding something for breakfast."
I pouted dramatically, making him smile, then dropped to the floor again and started to get undressed. He waited until I was finished before leaving to get some clothes for himself.
I glanced down the hall as I left the bathroom, finding Erron's door wide open, which meant Nick was up. I made my way down to the bedroom to get dressed, and was surprised to find the pictures of Papa and I were sitting on the bed. I sat down and picked them up, holding them side by side while I looked them over.
While by now I had all of the details memorized, I took a moment to go over them again before setting the pictures aside and standing up again. I grabbed some khakis from the closet and threw them onto the bed, then took out a t-shirt that would look good with them. Deciding to leave the pants until I actually had to put them on, I slipped the t-shirt over my head and started for the kitchen.
I was almost there when I heard Brian and Nick. The tone of their conversation stopped me before I got to the point where they could see me. Nick was talking quietly, almost pleadingly, but Brian was clearly frustrated and bordering on angry. I couldn't remember having heard him direct that tone at Nick before.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"All I said was that it must seem strange, you not being there."
"She doesn't want me there any more than I want to be there, Nick, so drop it."
"I wasn't talking about either of you wanting you there, and you know it. I just said it must seem strange. You always spend time with them when we have a break. At least some of it. It has to be weird not to be doing that."
"No, it's nice not to be doing that. I'd rather spend time with people who aren't going to start fighting with me. She doesn't want to have me there, and I don't want to be there, so let's stop talking about it."
I leaned against the wall, knowing that I shouldn't be listening to them without them knowing that I was there. I also knew that Brian would likely say more to Nick about the situation with Jackie if I weren't in the room. He'd want to spare me from hearing it, and would sugarcoat it in a way that he wouldn't for Nick. That decided me, and I stayed where I was.
"What about the Harolds, though?" Nick pressed, apparently unwilling to let it go. "You know your dad doesn't have a problem with you and Nate, and I'm sure he would like to see you. Even just for a couple of days, to let him know that things haven't changed between you."
"Yeah, I'm sure he'd love having to put up with Mom and I fighting, Nick."
"Maybe she'll handle it better, now that she's had a bit of time."
"You didn't see her, Nick. It's going to take more than time."
"You could work something out to avoid Jackie, Brian."
"It doesn't matter. Break's over. Nothing to be done about it now."
"Have you talked with Brother Harold?"
"Didn't you hear me? Break's over. I'm not going."
"Fine." I heard a cupboard door open, and a couple of bowls being taken out. "Then forget about visiting this time, though I know it feels weird for you. But answer my question: have you talked to Harold?"
"Have you seen me talk to Harold?"
"Well, don't you think you should?"
"Eventually."
"Brian-"
"He's got my number. If he wanted to talk, he could call."
"Maybe he's afraid of screwing things up like Jackie did."
"I'll talk to him, Nick, but not now. This is the last day of our vacation, and I'm not going to spend it arguing about her."
"Fine, then I only have one more question."
"And then you'll shut up?"
Nick chuckled and I smiled, hearing a little bit of Brian's humour returning to his voice. "Yes, then I'll shut up."
"Then ask." I heard the light pinging sound of cereal being poured into a bowl, and wondered just how disappointed they were going to be when they realised that there was no milk; we had finished it before going to the cabin.
"How do you think Nate feels? He knows how close you were with them, and he knows that you wouldn't have told them if Jackie hadn't been going after him. He's gotta feel guilty about your completely cutting yourself off now, even from your dad."
Nick's words decided me. I couldn't eavesdrop on a conversation that had suddenly clearly involved me. Walking the rest of the way down the hall, I stepped into the kitchen before Brian could respond. "Nate does indeed feel guilty about it," I said, looking at them. "But he's not going to force Brian into doing something he's not ready to do, and this definitely qualifies."
"How much did you hear?" Brian asked me, taking time first to shoot Nick a look that clearly showed he was going to pay for bringing up the conversation in the first place.
"Enough," I answered him. "Why didn't you tell me that you spend your breaks at home?"
"Because it wouldn't have changed anything. I wasn't going to go, and you weren't going to make me."
"Of course not, but it's something I'd like to know."
"Well, now you know. Can we drop it?"
"Ignoring it's not going to make it go away," I told him, running my hand down his arm. "We're going to have to talk about it at some point, and you're going to have to figure out what you want to do."
"Right now, I want to not talk about it."
I smiled at him. "Okay, then. Let's just eat and get out of here."
"I'm not very hungry," Brian said softly, handing me his bowl. "I think I'll stick to coffee."
"You sure? I don't like you not eating."
"It's one meal, sweetie. I think I'll live. Coffee's fine."
I sighed, but gave up. Taking the bowl from him, I turned to set it on the counter. "Okay. There's no milk, anyway."
"Ahem." Nick smiled and pulled open the fridge, setting a couple of small containers of milk on the counter. "Erron hit the vending machine downstairs before work."
"Oh, he's a good man," I chuckled, taking one of the cartons and opening it. I poured most of it over my cereal, and the rest into Brian's coffee and my own.
As soon as Brian had moved into the living room, I grabbed Nick's arm to keep him from following for a moment. "For the record," I whispered, "he talked to his dad last week. Long story short, Jackie's still being a bitch, and his brother is undecided, thanks to Harold."
"He didn't tell me that."
"As if he's going to want to spread the fact that his mom hates him and his brother isn't quite sure yet whether to hate him or not."
Nick frowned. "She doesn't hate him, though."
"You have your mom do to you what his did to him, and then try and convince yourself that she doesn't hate you. Just back off a bit on the family thing, Nick. He's working through it."
"Maybe Kevin can help him with it."
I shrugged. "Maybe. But I have a feeling that this is something that he's going to have to help himself with. Just give him some time with it."
"Are you going to talk to him about it?"
"When he's ready to talk, absolutely. But I know firsthand that when it comes to family stuff you need to know when to push and when not to."
"If you're not allowed to push, who is?"
I smiled and patted Nick's cheek. "No one, Nicky. Try and pay attention when I'm speaking to you."
Nick smiled back at me and nudged me out of his way as he joined Brian in the living room. "Bitch."
"Hey, it's Nate in thirty years," Nick laughed, sitting down on the bed and picking up the picture of Papa. He turned and showed the picture to Brian. "Are you prepared to be sleeping with this?"
"A little respect, Nick," Brian chastised with a smile. "That's Nate's grampa."
"Aww." Nick looked it over again, then smiled up at me as he put it aside and picked up the other picture. "And this one has to be little Natey."
"I told you about calling me that," I laughed, adding a few shirts from my closet to my suitcase. We hadn't really unpacked, but I was taking the opportunity to exchange some clothes for new ones. "And yes, that's me."
"You look like him."
"So I'm told."
"Your grampa's name was Angus?"
"No more than my name is Auggie," I told him, looking around to find Brian smiling at me. "Just nicknames Nana had for us, Nick. Long story."
"Oh. And she did these?"
"Yep."
"So where's the-"
Turning around to see why his sentence had been cut off, I saw Nick looking at Brian and Brian looking at me. "There isn't one of Nana. She wouldn't let anyone do one." I quickly folded the shirt I was holding and put it in my suitcase.
"Why not?"
I smiled at the exasperated look on Brian's face, then looked up at Nick as I closed the suitcase. "She just wouldn't. Nana was weird about that kind of thing. She stayed behind the scenes most of the time. Hated having her picture taken, even."
"So you don't have a picture of her?"
"Nick!"
Chuckling, I sat on the bed and smacked Brian's leg. "Let him ask, if he wants. I don't have any pictures of her handy, no. Though I'm sure there are a few in there." I indicated the box of albums that had been pushed into the corner of the room. "When I get the time to go through them, I'll set one aside to show you."
"Sounds like a plan." Nick handed the pictures back to me. "These are your mom's parents, right?"
Nodding, I took them and stood up. "Right."
"What about your dad's parents?"
"What about them?" I walked to the closet and put the pictures back up on the shelf. "They were my dad's parents."
"Okay."
I closed the closet door, knowing that Nick had just been on the receiving end of another look from Brian. "Grandfather died of a stroke when I was ten, and grandmother a couple of years later. It took a lot out of my father, and let my mother breathe a little easier, I think. I can't imagine what they were like to have as in-laws.
"My father and his brothers got even closer after that, though. Circle the wagons mentality, I suppose. At one point, Father talked about moving back out west, but his work kept us here. I'm not sure what Mother would have done if he'd pushed to move. Probably just gone along, I suppose."
I stopped when I felt a hand on the small of my back. "Well, anyway, there's likely some pictures of them in the box, too. Though, considering that the albums were my mother's territory, there's not likely to be as many as there are of Nana and Papa."
When I turned around, Brian's hand stayed where it was, so he wound up with his arm around my waist. "Grandmother didn't have a problem with having her picture taken as far as I know, but she wasn't my mother's favourite subject."
"Cool," Nick said, trying for nonchalant and failing miserably. There were more questions, but he wasn't going to ask them. "Just interested in where you came from."
I smiled to let him know that it was fine. "Tell you what. One of these days, you and I will have to sit down and talk about it. You can ask about me, and there's tons of stuff that I still don't know about you and your family."
"Deal," he answered immediately, matching my smile. He stole a glance at Brian beside me, then stood. "I'm going to go finish getting ready to go. You guys almost done?"
"Depends on whether or not the supermodel is almost finished." Brian's hand strayed up the back of my shirt. "He's the one holding up the packing."
"I don't think we have the time for the supermodel to even properly get started," Nick laughed, shaking his head at my grin. "Try not to get too carried away, boys. You know Kev would blame me if we missed the plane."
"Especially after Brian and I swore that it was entirely your fault," I added. "We'll be good, Nicky. Don't worry about missing the flight."
Nick shook his head again and made his way out into the hall, mumbling something about having no doubt that Brian and I would be good. As soon as he was gone, Brian stepped over and closed the door quietly. I lifted my suitcase from the bed and placed it on the floor, then straightened again as Brian's arms wrapped around me from behind.
"You can just tell him to shut up you know, sweetie," he said directly into my ear.
I turned in his arms. "Is that right?"
"That's right. He'd understand."
I leaned my forehead against his and smiled at him. "So, let me see if I understand. You know that I could tell him to drop it and he would, and you know that I know that, too. Yet, you were still the one trying to shut him up."
"That's because you would never say it." Brian grinned at me, kissed me quickly, then pushed me back. I ran into the bed and fell back on it, just as he had planned. "You're too nice."
"Oh, and you're the big tough boyfriend, coming to save the frail, emotionally ravaged Nate?"
Brian smiled as he climbed onto the bed with me, hovering over me. "Something like that, yeah."
He tried to kiss me, but I grabbed his head, holding it with his face inches away from my own. "Brian, I appreciate it, but it's not necessary. I'm not a little kid you need to protect from stuff like that."
"Let go of my head," he whispered, and waited for me to do so before continuing. "Now listen to me. You might get to pull this crap with everyone else. You might even convince Andy and Erron, but I doubt it. But I've seen what even thinking about your family does to you. I've seen the look on your face while you're thinking about it, and I've held you while you cried over it. If I can do anything to keep that from happening again, I'm going to do it."
"I'm not so fragile," I argued, "I'm not going to fall apart."
"Maybe not, but I think you're more fragile than you think you are. Or, if you know, I think you're trying to keep me or anyone else from knowing. I don't want someone else pushing you into thinking and talking about all of this stuff that hurts you, just because you're too stubborn to admit it."
"So you're planning on running interference for me? Whenever someone asks me about part of my past, you're going to glare them into submission?"
"If I have to."
"Then can I point out two issues I have with that plan?"
Brian pulled back, but didn't sit up. He was still leaning over me. "Go for it."
"First, that makes me feel like a total baby, and I don't like it. I've had to deal with all of this stuff before, you know, and I'll continue to deal with it. Yes, it gets out of hand sometimes. There are days when I cry for no real reason other than that something reminds me of my mother. There are days when I'm furious for no reason, too. But I deal with them. I get through. I was doing it before I met you, and I'll probably be doing it for the foreseeable future. It's just part of my life. So, while I love that you want to shield me from it, you don't have to try so hard.
"Second, you're not going to be able to do it. Think about it, Brian. With the people who know about you and I, they'll back off once they get even the hint that I think they've gone too far. They know my story, and they'll respect it. With anyone else, they're going to be wondering why you're getting so annoyed with them asking me personal questions, so you can't be doing it."
"But-"
"I'm not saying that you shouldn't worry," I quickly interjected, "because I know you'll do it anyway, and I love you for it. What I'm saying is that you don't have to be so gung-ho about it. Unless I'm giving you some sort of indication that I don't want to talk about something, just let it happen.
I promise, I'll make it clear when someone crosses the line, okay?"
It was clear that he didn't like it, and he took a few seconds before he finally nodded. "Okay, but I'm not apologising for worrying. And you were looking like you didn't want to talk about your grandparents. You looked sad."
"C'mere." I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him back down so he was lying beside me. "I was sad. Brian, my grandparents are dead. Find me one person out there who's not a little bit sad when thinking about their dead grandparents. I miss them."
"That was more than just missing them."
I nodded. "That was missing them, and feeling guilty about not thinking about them as often as I should. Even Father's parents were pretty good grandparents. They might not have been the best people, but they were pretty good for grandparents who didn't see me very often. They deserve more of my thoughts than they get, as do Nana and Papa."
"I didn't think you liked anyone on your dad's side."
I smiled, thinking about how that was a statement that would have earned Nick a death-stare a few minutes before. "I hate my uncles. I generally feel sorry for my aunts, having to put up with them, but they're basically okay people. Of my two cousins, one I never got along with but I don't hate her, and the other I haven't seen in ages and he was too young for me to really have much of an opinion on.
"With Grandmother and Grandfather, I can look back and see that I probably wouldn't like them very much if I knew them now. But back then, they were just my grandparents. I wasn't old enough or perceptive enough to really see them as people. They were my grandparents, and that was all I needed to know. I loved them."
Brian sighed and slipped his hand under my shirt again, resting it on my stomach. "I wish you had a brother or sister or something, sweetie. I don't like thinking about you being alone."
"I'm not alone."
"You were. It might have been easier if you'd had someone to be there with you."
I rolled my head to the side, bringing it to rest against the top of his. "I suppose it might have been. But it might have been harder, too. What if I had a brother or sister, and they took after my father's side of the family instead of my mother's like me? I might not have found all that much support or comfort there."
"I guess," Brian conceded with another sigh. "But I can't imagine not having had Harold arou-"
And there we had it. There really wasn't any ignoring it now that it had been brought up. "Do you want to talk about that?" I asked softly.
"Nothing to talk about, is there?"
"I don't know that, and neither do you, until you speak with him. You given that any more thought?"
"A bit. How much of that did you hear this morning?"
I smiled. "Enough of it, I guess. Aside from the part about you normally spending some of your breaks with your family - which is something I probably could have guessed if I'd thought about it - I knew the rest. I knew you hadn't talked to your dad or your brother yet. I have to admit, I've been wondering when you were going to."
He shrugged, but didn't say anything. "Brian," I continued, "think about it this way. You know that, at the very least, your dad is safe to talk to.
He knows and he's okay with it. He's going to be wanting to hear from you, just to make sure you're okay, and to reassure himself that you're still on good terms. Your brother's a toss-up, I guess, but at least he's not a definite write-off. You were just saying how you don't know what you would do without him around. I think you should call him. 50/50 odds that you won't have to find out what you'd do."
"I guess."
"This is the last I'm saying about this until you decide you want to talk about it: if he stands by you, it's one more ally in that house. One more voice to help convince your mother that things really are okay." I rolled onto my side, put my hand on his chest and kissed his cheek, waiting for him to say something.
"I'll make you a deal."
I shook my head, my nose brushing against his jaw. "No deals with me. This is up to you. If you want to call him, I'm behind you. If you don't, I'm still behind you."
He sighed and put his hand on top of mine, his fingers curling around my own. "Then how about I just ask you how my plan sounds?"
"I'll give you whatever help I can, Brian."
"Okay," he agreed, taking a deep breath. "How about if I call him after the tour is back up and going? We'll look at the schedule and pick a date.
That way, I have a plan, and something to work toward."
"You also have the tour going on around you to distract you if it turns out you need something," I pointed out.
"That's what I'm thinking. If he decides to freak out after all, there's enough to keep me occupied. If he's okay with it-"
"If he's okay with it, then I'm betting that you'll put on one hell of a show that night," I laughed.
"So it sounds good?"
"If it sets your mind at ease, it sounds good."
"Hmm." Brian rolled onto his side as well, facing me, and tugged at the bottom of my shirt. "You know what else puts me at ease?"
I chuckled and swatted his hand away. "You heard Nick. We don't have time."
"Come on," he smiled, grabbing my shirt again. "If you didn't want to, you'd be wearing pants."
PART 122
I wound up giving Brian a raincheque so that we could get to the airport on time, a feat we barely managed. The up side to almost missing the flight was that no one had time to rush Nick or Brian. We all knew that they had been recognised - it would be next to impossible not to have been recognised in a busy airport - but neither of them seemed concerned about it, so I followed their lead.
We got off the ground without incident, so long as Brian and Nick's whimpers don't qualify as incidents. Once we were in the air, Brian and I had our customary dose of alcohol. Nick whined some more about not being served, but he stopped once we assured him we were stopping at one. He and Brian both asked for blankets and pillows, and soon Nick was dozing with his head tilted toward Brian.
I had my computer up and running almost immediately, figuring that Brian would sleep as well and I would have the flight time to get some work done. Rather than that, however, Brian waited until Nick was asleep, then leaned over and pushed my hand away from the keys and started typing, pecking at the keys with his index finger.
'just so you know, nick spent the night on the couch'
I smiled over at him, then pushed his hand away and typed a message of my own. 'First of all, you have to work on capitals,' I wrote, 'and second, thanks. I'd been wondering.'
Brian read the message, punched me, then started pecking again. 'i know you were. i was too. erron woke him up before work to say goodbye and told him to go use his bed.'
I nodded, then went back to the keyboard. 'Sounds like something Erron would do. Now I feel bad for thinking there was something seedier going on.'
Brian suppressed a laugh. 'don't. we both know he'd jump at the chance to get into nick's pants.'
'True, but he knows Nick isn't ready.'
'i still think they'd make an interesting couple.' Brian saw me smiling at his comment, then added, 'don't you?'
'Sure, but I'm not getting in the middle of that any further than I already am.'
'i guess.'
I brushed his hand gently as I took control of the keyboard again. 'Anything else, pookie?'
'i always pictured it being pooky.'
'Well, you were wrong.' I stuck my tongue out at him. 'Now, was there anything else?'
'i love you?'
'Is that a question?'
'if you keep up the jokes, it might be.' He slapped my hands away as I tried to type something, and added to what he had written. 'now get some work done.'
"Are you going to sleep?" I whispered, deciding that we were back in territory safe enough for actual sound.
"I'm going to try," he whispered back, smiling. "Are you writing all the way there, or getting some sleep?"
I thought about it for a second, then shrugged. "It'll depend on how it goes, I guess. My money's on writing all the way there. I'll likely be asleep as soon as we're in the cab at the airport, but at least I'll have gotten something done."
"No cab at the airport, Nate." It seemed strange to hear him call me by name. He must have noticed it too, because his smile grew slightly as he said it. "We're back on tour now. Official business and everything. They'll have the limo waiting to meet us."
"Oh. Well then, I guess I'll be asleep as soon as we're in the limo."
Brian adjusted his pillow, then leaned across and tapped out one final message for me. He pulled his hand back once he was done, being sure to run it across as much of my leg as he could, then winked at me and put his head back on his pillow as he closed his eyes. I looked at him for a moment, then turned my attention to the computer.
'no problem finding a pillow.'
"Nate!"
I sat bolt upright, making Nick laugh. I had been sleeping with my head on Brian's lap since almost the moment we had gotten into the car at the airport. The car ride hadn't been nearly long enough, though. "What?" I asked gruffly, peering at Nick in the seat opposite us.
"We're at the hotel, sweetie," Brian answered, rubbing my shoulder. "Think you can manage to keep it together long enough to get inside?"
"Smartass." I shifted on the seat, then stretched. "I think I'll be just fine. Though I remember being woken up in much better ways."
"Brian wouldn't let me wake you up like that," Nick laughed as the car came to a stop.
"Everyone should be here by now, right?" I asked, ignoring Nick as I lifted my computer bag from the floor in front of me.
"Yeah, sweetie."
"Then we'll be having that meeting about what Kev's going to do about Kathy and the baby."
"No, we'll do that later. If he wants you there for it, he'll have to wait until you're awake."
"I'll be awake by the time we get to the room. We'll talk, and then I'll sleep. You guys are bound to have stuff to take care of, so there'll be lots of time. Come on." The driver was opening the door for us, while our bags were being loaded from the trunk onto a trolley. I got out after Brian and Nick, and followed them inside.
We were met inside the door by the concierge, who handed each of us our room keys and directed us toward the elevators. The bellman followed us, pulling our bags behind him, and we rode up to our floor in relative silence. I was working on clearing my mind, determined to put off my nap until later.
When the doors opened, we each claimed our luggage rather than have him deliver it to each door. It seemed like unnecessary work for him, and it was easier than delivering my bags to a different room just to have to move them back to Brian's. Nick tipped the bellman, then we all lingered in the hallway until the elevator doors had closed behind him again.
As soon as he was gone, Nick went for one door, while Brian and I started for the one Brian had the key for. I would have to go next door to my own room at some point and mess things up so that it looked like someone had stayed in it, but that could wait.
"Are you sure you don't want to sleep first? Kevin'll wait."
I dropped my bags on a chair and turned to face him. "I'm sure. I got lots written on the plane, so I can take the time later and nap. You guys have schedules and tour crap to go over, so I'll get out of your way for a while."
"Okay, sweetie." He took my hand and led me further into the room. "So you got something written?"
"Quite a bit," I answered with a nod. "It's going to need some editing, but I'm happy with what I have. It should be pretty easy to get back into, too."
"Good. I hate feeling like I'm distracting you."
I pulled him to me and put my arms around him. "You can distract me anytime. If you can get my attention, that is."
"Well, let's see what I can do." He ran his hands up my back as he began kissing me. "How's this?"
"This is excellent," I responded in between kisses, "but it's just going to wind up making me more tired."
Brian started laughing at the same time there was a knock on the door. Before either of us could say anything, it opened and Nick stuck his head inside the room. "Ahem, I thought we were saying hi to the guys."
"We are," I told him, stepping away from Brian and taking his hand. I led him out into the hall, and we followed Nick down to the next room. Nick knocked and got no answer, so we moved to the next door. This time, the knock was greeted with a call from inside the room, and Nick opened the door and stepped inside.
Howie and AJ were sitting in front of the TV, and Kevin was sitting on his bed, talking on the phone. As soon as he saw that it was us, he said something quickly into the phone and hung it up. All three of them stood up at the same time as we came further into the room.
The three of us walked past the three of them, offering hellos and quick hugs. "Hey, Daddy," I smiled as I hugged Kevin.
"Shut up," he laughed, smacking me in the back of the head while he hugged me. "I'm going to have to listen to more than enough of that from these guys. The least you could do is be the sane one."
"Shouldn't be too hard, with these guys to compare myself to." I sat on the arm of Brian's chair, and his hand immediately found my leg. I turned my attention to Howie and AJ. "Well, I know what Kevin's been up to for the most part. How about you guys?" It was obvious that Howie had spent a lot of time in the sun, because he was even more tanned than usual.
"I did almost literally nothing," he smiled. "Sat around on the beach, read a book, and hung out with friends. Absolutely nothing business-like until I got Kevin's call the other day."
"Yeah, he had to ruin it," AJ added, grinning at Kevin. "I was having a great time until you called with business. Damn you and your super-sperm."
Kevin went red immediately. "Yeah, well it's not like I exactly planned it," he finally answered, shifting on the bed. "That was the last call I expected to be making. The only one of us that wasn't caught by surprise was Nate."
All eyes turned to me, and I smiled. "I was caught by surprise. Just a few days before you guys were," I defended myself. "But don't be dragging me into this. You all have to figure out what's going to happen from here on. If you ask me, I'm just going to be in the way. It's really not my business."
"I want you to be around while we talk about it, Nate," Kevin offered.
I nodded. "I know, Brian told me. I just don't understand why. This is group business."
"I want an outside point of view," Kevin explained. "One that's outside the group itself, but that has our best interests in mind. Management would only see the bottom line, and family would only see the non-business part of it. I want your opinion."
I laughed and leaned back on the chair a little bit. "No one in their right mind is going to actually believe I have an outside point of view, Kev."
"Yeah," Brian put in, his hand kneading my leg just above the knee, "but this is going to have an effect on my life, and you're a huge part of my life. Whatever effects me is bound to effect you, just like what happens to you changes things for me."
I smiled at him and ran my hand down the back of his head, bringing it to rest between his shoulder blades. "Okay. As long as I don't have to worry about sounding objective, I'll stick around."
"Good. Now," Brian said, looking around at the others, "how about we talk about this now and see if we can't get something figured out? Nate's going to crash soon."
AJ laughed, looking across the coffee table at me. "You look exhausted."
"Not exhausted, just tired," I told him. "I got a bit of sleep on the ride from the airport, but not a lot. I'm good for a little while, though." I turned and looked at Kevin. "What do you guys have scheduled for tonight?"
"Dinner, and then we head out for a light run-through for the show. Real rehearsals aren't until tomorrow. We shouldn't be gone more than a few hours."
"Good. Then let's talk about this for a bit, and then I'll go sleep. You guys can wake me up when you get back from your run-through. Sound good?"
Everyone but Brian nodded. "What about dinner?" he asked, looking up at me.
"I'll get something when I wake up. I'm not hungry now, so I'll be fine until later."
"Then I'll skip it, too, and lay down with you."
I smiled, patted his hand on my knee, and shook my head. "You're eating. You skipped breakfast, remember? Besides, it's been two weeks since you saw Howie and AJ, and a week since you saw Kev. You eat and catch up, and then start thinking about how you want to wake me up."
Brian grinned. "I've got a couple of ideas already."
"I bet you do," I laughed, slipping off of the arm of the chair and onto his lap. "Just so long as you're alone."
AJ sighed and put his feet up on the coffee table. "Did everyone else forget how sickening they are?"
"Kev," I said, rolling my eyes, "start talking."
To Be Continued...