Tonight Is What It Means To Be Young Written by JM
-- Disclaimer: The song is not my shit. The celebrities involved are not my shit. If you don't like male/male relationships, this is not your shit. If you aren't at least 18, you shouldn't read this shit. The words are my shit, so please respect that. If you like my shit, e-mail me: catsfan1@hotmail.com --
-- Sorry, had a little Eminem in me and just had to be funny. But if you didn't think it was funny, I apologize. No, wait, hold on... if you didn't think it was funny, then don't read this shit. HA! --
Without the music, what were they? Five guys. Five good-looking guys that gave young men and women the best wet dreams of their young lives? Without the clothes, the lights, the screams, the look, what were they? Five guys. Five friends. Without their lovers, were they anything? They were still five friends. That's what it was all about when it was all over. That's what counted. That's what made them give a damn. They were friends, before the music, before the life, before the lovers.
They still had a rhythm in their head, a song in their feet, a melody in their bodies. They still wanted to be around each other, even when all this music shit was done and they had nothing but each other and the lives they built together. Justin knew that. Even as the youngest, he knew it too well. He saw it after every show, before every interview, right after every fight over who left their dirty underwear in the lounge on the bus.
In fact, he cherished it. It was one of the few things that remained stable in his life. And though it was shaky at time and he feared it'd all be over, he knew it wouldn't. Not even if Joey and Britney never got back together or if JC and Lance did get back together. Not if JC never stopped confessing his love for Justin and Chris decided he'd prefer be a family man rather than a thirty-year-old man dancing around to cute songs about loving a dream girl. They'd still be friends.
Sometimes, not like this, was all it took to remind the others that it'd still be the same. With the music loud, with laughter all around, and with each other, that's it. That's all it really took. Even if they all seemed to be preoccupied with their significant other and they were all in the same room, but essentially, in five different worlds. But they were together.
They were something out of The Breakfast Club. Yeah, that was them. To anyone, to some of their friends, they were nothing but Chris the criminal, Joey the jock, Lance the brain, JC the princess, and Justin the basket case.
But together, they were *NSYNC. They were everything.
Parties. They were used to them, grew tired of them, even avoided ones that they knew would hurt their career. But the ones no one knew about, the kind where they could be themselves, those were the parties they attended. Most of the time, they were parties they threw for themselves. Like this one, on this night. A party where alcohol was fine, dancing was expected, and nothing was predictable. They were free and it tasted just like wine.
I've got a dream 'bout an angel on the beach
And the perfect waves are starting to come
His hair is flying out in ribbons of gold
And his touch has got the power to stun
I've got a dream 'bout an angel in the forest
Enchanted by the edge of a lake
His body's flowing in the jewels alive
And the earth below is starting to shake
Nights like this meant JC was who he wanted to be. He was loud, he was classy and dramatic, and he was hormonal. It meant he wasn't afraid to string his fingers into Nick's thick blonde locks and kiss him until he tasted every drink Nick had consumed that night. He always found a way to back Nick into a room of the large room and practically fuck him with his clothes on because he had drunk just enough liquor to be that bold. But it was JC.
And everyone wondered why they worked so well? Why was it that JC and Nick could be anything but right for each other, yet, still they were perfect together? It was probably sex, but none of them questioned it. They just laughed with JC when he made corny jokes and patted him on the back for staying married as long as he had. And wasn't it a year? They all thought so, but no one but Chris was ever really sure.
When JC cornered Nick just to talk, just to smile and be everything their friends thought they'd never be Justin smiles. He's the only that does. Lance makes mocking faces while Joey just laughs in some drunken giggle with one arm around Britney and the other holding up his glass of gin. Chris keeps comments to himself and Justin wonders why he does it every time? Despite public appearance, Chris was definitely closest to JC. It was funny, really weird, sometimes annoying, but it was a good friendship.
JC's good at making the cutest things romantic. Even in the storm of music that floats through the room like clouds rolling over a sunset, he can bring attention to himself silently. It was a craft only he had perfected. Just a small kiss on the corner of Nick's mouth while playing with the third button on Nick's pale blue shirt looked like the best scene from Love Story.
It just called for attention because that wasn't JC. Not the one he exposed to the public. It was different, definitely special.
Nights that burned with fire in the sky always meant something to JC. They meant he had to attempt to make his friendship with Justin normal, especially when Brian was around. They meant that he had to stay by Nick's side because he had something to prove if not to the others, to himself. Nights like this always meant he couldn't be around Lance because nights like this always brought back shadowy memories of what they had.
He kept something in the music alive. He sung the words so perfectly, as if he knew the song was written for just him to sing. He danced, swayed his hips, and kept the attention when he needed to. But with Nick, with just his friends around, he kept the music raw. Kisses with hands buried in flaxen-brown hair, fingers brushing over the scalp, kept the music passionate. His eyes were lit with toxic neon blue that left Nick laughing at times and dangerously in love with the guitar hit the right note. And that was JC. That was the one that they loved, needed and thrived upon when they needed to be themselves.
But I don't see any angels in the city
I don't hear any holy choirs sing
And if I can't get an angel
I can still get a boy
And a boy'd be the next best thing
The next best thing to an angel
A boy'd be the next best thing
Lance was a mystery. Always was. They all anticipated his next move because it was always grand. It could be aggressive, approachable, calculated but it was always grand. They thought so when Lance proposed to Bryce. It wasn't that long ago, but it was unexpected. He didn't even bother to tell Justin. He just did it. In front of all of them, in Lance's hotel room with a ring, one knee, and some love song playing in the background. It made nights like this easier to swallow because Lance knew when to behave.
Lance wasn't a prude, but he was losing his edge. Justin saw it and he heard Chris and Joey talking about it a few times. It really wasn't a bad thing. They knew what Lance was capable of. Hell, JC had stories but Lance had novels. Sex backstage at concerts, blowjobs in club bathrooms, making out in corners of clubs. Lance was more than that Southern gentleman that MTV caught so perfectly with their cameras. But at least he was tame now.
But on his good days, like nights like this, Lance could be anything but a tame lion lying in the corner of a cage. Maybe it was because he didn't have JC anymore? Maybe it was because he was without Nick? Not that Bryce wasn't capable of unlocking that cage. And they didn't do it often. They didn't stand in the middle of a crowd and swap gum like JC did when he was drunk enough, but Lance didn't bother removing his mouth from Bryce's neck when Britney babbled about her upcoming tour. And Bryce never felt the need to stop rubbing Lance's nipple through his shirt when Mandy made some witty remark about the way Kevin's new girlfriend looked.
It wasn't the alcohol because Lance wasn't really into drinking. It could've been the music because it was heavy, it was rebellious, and it was everything Lance needed to be after living the life of a celebrity. Sometimes, JC says it's Bryce that makes Lance unaware of the world but Justin disagrees. Lance is aware. He's more than aware. He sacrifices more than JC and Joey to maintain his fame and Justin knows Lance deserves his moments with Bryce. He's sure that JC is just envious of Lance because Lance finally found a relationship to hold onto that existed outside of a good fuck and lots of arguing.
Most of the night, Lance is mute and observant, just the way Justin expects him to be. He sips on his coke, keeps his hand in the back of Bryce's pants, and watches. He doesn't have to say much and his occasionally nod keeps others aware that Lance isn't stoned, just quiet. Bryce likes Lance that way. It's obvious because he won't leave Lance's side and keeps whispering things to Lance to keep that crooked, country smile on Lance's pale face.
And nothing takes that youthful smile away. Nothing makes Lance forget that Bryce makes him happy. Everything about the laughter, the jokes, and the smiles reminds Lance that his friends help to keep him this way.
I've got a dream 'bout a boy in a castle
And he's dancing like a cat on the stairs
He's got the fire of a prince in his eyes
And the thunder of a drum in his ears
I've got a dream 'bout a boy on a star
Lookin' down upon the rim of the world
He's there all alone and dreamin' of someone like me
I'm not an angel but at least I'm a girl
Take away everything the world thought he was and Joey was still the same. He was happy, he was flirty, he was funny, and he was friendly. But he wasn't devoid of life, ever. Contrary to the public's belief, he was miserable without Britney but he wasn't dead. Despite what his family thought, he didn't love Kelly yet he found a reason to keep smiling. And in spite of what Justin or Chris or Lance or JC said, he didn't have it easier than them. Never did.
She kept him in a state of optimism. With her golden hair, her glittery smile, her comforting words. She was it. There wasn't a next best thing, even if he told himself Kelly could be it. He was living on the edge of satisfaction and hopelessness and she was the only one that could push him over.
But Justin thinks that's why they all cling to Joey. He does have it easy.
He isn't gay, he isn't married, he isn't involved in an interracial relationship, he isn't hiding his life from the public. If anything, Joey was what they could all never be. Why envy Justin for being a sex symbol? Why be jealous of JC because he's musically gifted or begrudge Lance because has the genius to be anything? Who would resent Chris for running his own business when they could have what Joey had?
Still, Joey just dances it away. He dances it all away. He kept his hands on Britney's hips and his eyes in hers because she's his again and he doesn't worry about how hard it is. It could be harder. It always can be and that's why he laughs at it.
He's graceful and he's passionate when he does it. He's one with the beat and Britney doesn't let him go. There's something there that Joey knows she won't let go and that's all he thinks about. He doesn't think about being called "the flirty one." He ignores the rumors spread about him and every famous woman on the planet because Britney knows it's not true. She doesn't question him, ignore him, distrust him. Not now. That's all Joey needs.
And while the white lights stay low and the blue's and yellow's spin around the room, Joey seems to have found his place in the world. Standing with Chris, laughing about the children Joey is sure he'll have in the next year, he seems complacent. And it's something that Lance once said Joey might not ever have again after cheating on Britney. It's the one thing Justin sat around the tour bus writing about when he was e-mailing Brian on his laptop.
Three hours into the party, Justin knows Joey is their lifeline because he finds himself with one arm around Joey, beer heavy on JC's breath when he tells a joke while Joey and Britney hold hands. Justin only laughs because he knows JC's too drunk to finish the joke and he knows Joey will prompt him with the punch line when needed. He knows Joey won't sneak away with Britney and leave them there. Because that's not Joey. Never was, never will be.
I've got a dream when the darkness is over
We'll be lyin' in the rays of the sun
But it's only a dream and tonight is for real
You'll never know what it means
But you'll know how it feels
It's gonna be over (Over)
Before you know it's begun
(Before you know it's begun)
It's all we really got tonight
Stop your cryin' hold on, tonight
Before you know it it's gone, tonight
Tonight is what it means to be young
Tonight is what it means to be young
Oceans seemed to sweep through the room when Chris was around. It was incredible. He was the raging fire when the camera was on, but when it was off, he was anything but. They all think that's why JC and Chris work so well together. Their personalities just mesh. Justin laughs at that when he sees that Chris is stationary most of the night. He sips on the same beer with the same smile, watching all of them. He was good at that. He was good at advising them, being there for them. He didn't like the fatherly position, but he managed it well.
He's hopeful when Meelah is around and they love that. They know Chris would prefer be at home with his son. They all know Chris doesn't want to dance, but Meelah will make him. They are aware that Chris wants to be a role model. They all understand that Chris is what they all want to be at the age of thirty.
Chris talks about leaving the group, settling down for good because he has enough money and he can make more with his clothing line. He's just a thought in the air though. Justin worries about it, but in the wild river of music, he's calm about it because Chris just said it in passing. When he's on the dance floor, his back to JC's and they're dancing like veterans, Justin knows Chris doesn't really mean it. To be without them? To be just Chris? It's just a volatile thought.
Lance says Chris is just a smile away from leaving, but Justin doesn't believe it. He doesn't try to make Chris stay because he doesn't have to. Chris thrives on the attention and only holds Meelah's hand tighter when Joey brings it up. JC insisted on changing the subject because they were all sitting around a booth and the night wasn't meant for broken dreams. "There always" is all Chris has to whisper to JC to stop him from falling into some intoxicated depression. Then there's smiles. Not just Chris and JC, but all of them.
Chris leaves Meelah's side for a moment. He joins Joey on the dance floor and they make asses of themselves because the beat told them to. Justin laughs, one of Brian's arms around his waist while he rests an arm on Lance's shoulder. Chris is a great guy. Lance knew it, Joey said it, JC nodded at it, and Justin just laughed. Chris was him in thirty years. A husband, a father, and a great guy.
No one talks about it when Chris leaves early with Meelah. They watch him shrug on his leather jacket and cup her hand once more, leaving them behind.
They say their goodbyes and they know there is still party left in Chris. He's just tired. His flame still flickers, but it's hard to keep steady in the wind. Justin knows. He whispers it to Joey and Joey manages to nod between kisses on Britney's cheek. He knows Joey's listening because Joey takes a moment to say, "He thinks he's complete with the marriage and kid, but he knows without this, without us, he's still missing something." And it's true. Chris is still missing something.
Let the rebels begin
Let the fire be started
We're dancing for the restless and the broken-hearted
Let the rebels begin
Let the fire be started
We're dancing for the desperate and the broken-hearted
Say a prayer in the darkness for the magic to come
No matter what it seams
Tonight is what it means to be young
Before you know it it's gone
Tonight is what it means to be young
Before you know it it's gone
Everyone watches Justin. He's pretty sure it's because he's the youngest or because he's the one with two children at home. Sometimes, he hopes, that it's not because his marriage almost ended. He prays that they all forget when they see Brian and Justin together because when they see Justin crying, they often coddle him as if he was being served with divorce papers.
He doesn't try to prove everything's normal again because nothing is ever the same. But he's stopped trying. He's done pretending.
Justin thinks he's forgotten what it means to be young. He doesn't know anything outside of being in a group, being a celebrity, being a father, being a friend, being a husband. Wade reminds him when he can. They dance, like they do tonight, until their feet hurt and they laugh at things only teenagers laugh at. They act silly, drink a few beers, and try to understand what normal is. Wade once said what Justin had was normal. Justin frowned a lot that night.
Justin doesn't mind smiling when Brian rubs a thumb over his bottom lip and hooks his fingers in Justin's belt loop. It isn't rare but sometimes it feels foreign. He thinks he doesn't deserve it, but Brian kisses his lips like they were made of cherry and he lets the thought slip away. He deserves that.
Time is a fickle thing when the night is full of some neon energy that Justin's sure has never been named, but he likes to call it love². It just feels like that. He knows it because he's talking to Nick while Brian and Joey laugh about some show that Justin's sure he never sat down and watched with Brian. But it still feels good. He feels like he belongs to this feeling.
Lance and Joey know when he's annoyed best. They pull him to the side when they see it, always talk to him in a normal voice because JC will baby him and Chris will just lecture him. It only happens when Brian gives him space. He doesn't want it. He hates that Brian thinks he's young and hasn't lived. Probably because Brian is twenty-seven now. Probably because Brian feels he's lived a good portion of his life and is content being married with two children. Justin's heard Brian whisper to Nick about it. Brian doesn't think Justin really wants to deal with all of it. Fuck what Brian thinks. Justin knows what he wants. He pokes his bottom lip out, folds his arms and nurses a beer when he hears Brian. It doesn't take long for Joey and Lance to notice.
He hates it when Joey runs back to Brian and chastises him. He doesn't want Brian to know. But Brian always does. Brian always sees his face, from anywhere, and just keeps his distance. It makes him feel like a child, and not in a glorious way. But he deals with it. He waits until Brian wraps his arms around his waist and they're all back to laughing and smiling like it doesn't ever hurt. It does.
Justin doesn't let the liquor get to him. Ever. He tries to hide it from Brian sometimes because he feels bad, maybe even guilty. He doesn't let the music control him, even when Wade says it does. He does what he wants because he's fucking Justin Littrell, formerly Justin Timberlake.
But it never goes too far. He never goes too far with Brian, even when they're in a corner, lips open with tongues massaging each other. He lets Brian grope him through his pants and he even slips his left hand down the back of Brian's underwear while his other hand holds Brian's chin, guiding their breathy kisses. He doesn't think it's too far when Brian leaves a small hickey on his neck while his thigh practically gets Brian off in three minutes. He knows that kissing, touching, that's never wrong. Not when the music is loud and rebellious. H likes it when Brian's a rebel. He loves it when Brian kisses his chin for minutes upon minutes, whispering gratifying words of love that Justin will hear over and over when they make love later on.
It's great and it's a feeling that dims when he's falling asleep at night. He holds Brian's hand for the rest of the night because Lance, Joey, Chris, and even JC love Brian. They really do. They think he's just as much a part of the group as Justin is. They all talk and reminisce until Chris departs. They dance until Lance slips away with Bryce, not to be seen until sometime the next day. They have a few more drinks while Nick assists JC in walking out of the party. They talking about kids and life after *NSYNC until Britney falls asleep on Joey's shoulder. And then it's just Brian and Justin. Just Brian and Justin kissing, holding hands and remembering why there's more than just the group, the music, the fame. There's friendships, relationships, laughter, love, and brotherhood. There's youth.
Say a prayer in the darkness for the magic to come
No matter what it seams
Tonight is what it means to be young
Before you know it it's gone
Tonight is what it means to be young
Before you know it it's gone
The things they say
And then the things they do
Nothing's gonna stop us if our aim is true
Tonight is what it means to be young
THE END.
"Tonight Is What It Means To Be Young" (Jim Steinman) - Fire Inc.
Copyright 1984 Lost Boys Music
** I'd like to thank all the music of the 80s for inspiring me to feel good about life. And this song is one of the greatest, emotional songs I can remember from my childhood. You should truly try to get a hold of it when you can. It's from the "Streets of Fire" soundtrack. That's a great movie too if you ever want to check it out. **
Side Note: I think I am going to be a songfic writer from now on. Is that legal? I hope so. I get a LOT of inspiration from songs, especially ones by Amiee Mann and Fiona Apple. So if you have a GOOD song, something that I can write to, let me know. Send me the name of the song, the artist, and, if you can, the correct lyrics. I'll try to work with it from there. Please do not request the people you want in the story as I tend to figure that out after I hear the song and read the lyrics. Otherwise, I'll be sure to credit you for the help, so make sure your name is on the e-mail also!