If you are not old enough to be reading this then leave very simple very direct. Thanks... This story does not intend to say that the BSB are actually gay if they are so be it.
This is a first for me let me know what you think... writergray@aol.com
'Brian and his Wil' by grayson s. vellar
"So do you want to tell me what's going on or do I have to guess?" Brian's mother shouted at her 17-year-old son. He was scared of her suddenly, as she had never really yelled at him before. Wil lay silent next to him softly crying, as Brian did nothing to comfort him. Suddenly scared of the outcome of all this he jumps off the bed.
"Oh, no, you don't." Jackie said grabbing Wil and pulling him to her. She realized what she had done. She had alienated them for months fearing this moment it was just what she had not wanted to do. God would not want her to act like this to her son. She would have to stop them yes, but not like this.
"Wil, I'm so sorry I never meant to hurt you. I like you son, but this is wrong in GGod's eyes you have to see it from my point of view here. It is not my will to stop you. Heaven know you make each other happy and in allot of relationships that just doesn't exist any more." Jackie said hugging him trying to stop the tears that fell. Brian was grief stricken already his eyes swelled nearly shut as his fear of God overpowered his fear of loosing his first love, William Ryan Smyth. Jackie made Wil and Brian break up that day. They were allowed to talk on the phone. No private moments were allowed. They had lost each other to the distance that Jackie made them have.
Brian regretted his loss even to this day. He was on his way home to the family he loved for Christmas. Yet he still felt at a loss and lonely. On the road, he felt the loss even more and he knows he will never feel again like those days unless he makes a choice. His only two options were his love for a man or to continue to lie and pretend to love a woman. He had been doing the latter for the past several years. He had his share of women in the limelight. To most it was called dating to him, it was called a cover-up or the miserable inadequacies of the closet.
Everyone was excited they too had decided to follow Brian and Kevin home to Kentucky. There was nothing like these guys and their family time. Everyone else had called and asked their receptive families to come out for the Holiday. The Group itself was finally on top of the world they could take a Christmas break at home finally. With the N'Sync break up inevitable and the friendships at risk they had to get out of Florida for their own sake. No bad press is good press. When the tabloids try and pen you with hating a fellow musician especially your direct competition they will stop at nothing. Right now Florida was a bad place to call home.
"God I can't wait to see everyone," Kevin said as he leaned back against the Limousine seat next to Brian.
"Yeah," Brian half-heartedly answered not really, acknowledging what Kevin had said.
"You keep that up people will think you are looking forwards to going home." AJ said noticing the distance in Brian's body language. AJ had started to take a special interest lately in the well being of Brian. Brian had been the first one in the group to take an interest in him after they all got signed. He made AJ's ideas a reality when he started writing music. AJ had never been good at the construction of music but he certainly was good at singing it he thought as he drew himself back to the matter at hand. Brian had not even acknowledged his comment.
"Driver I need you to pull over and stop the car now," AJ said as he saw that they were less that a half block away from the Litrell house. Everyone looked at him questioningly except for Brian, he then knew it had to be bad. The car came to a stop and the driver turned to face them. He was waiting for his instructions at the moment. "You are going to have to step out of the car. We need to have a private discussion that has been coming for some time." AJ sad now with even Brian looking at him like he had grown a third eye.
"Sir, will it be long. It's just I have a family to get home too, and they are waiting up for me." The driver said and Kevin noted that it was already past ten o'clock in the evening on Christmas Eve.
"Maybe this could..." AJ cut Kevin off immediately. "No! This has to happen now. I am sure this will only take a few minutes to get out into the open then we will all know what to do. But, the longer we sit here arguing about weather or not to have the conversation the longer it will take," AJ said shocking everyone with his sudden outburst and logical side.
"I will go ahead and step out. You gentlemen take all the time you need, it seems like you need it," the driver said, stepping out into the cold. A gust of wind hit the side of the car extremely hard throwing the guy against the side windows.
"Man, get him back in the car," Nick said.
"Okay but we are still having this discussion, and it could get personal," AJ said.
"I would rather risk it then kill someone," Kevin said as he opened his door and stepped outside.
"Okay the faster we do this the better. Kevin knows what is on my mind so I am just going to say it," AJ said setting up and leaning forwards into Brian's face.
"You should not be coming home for Christmas and you know it. What you are doing by coming here is reminding yourself how much hurt you have had at the times when you are here," AJ relaxed back into the seat waiting for a reaction.
"AJ she's my mom," Brian simply stated as a stray tear touched his cheek. He had until now successfully managed to keep the tears from falling, but now all that was gone. Kevin leaned up against the side of the car next to the driver he was talking to him seemingly openly.
"You know that was the worst driver yet. I mean he made us load our own Luggage and open our own door, and... " AJ slugged Nick in the shoulder for his commentary. "Hey! What was that for?"
"For being a pain, Nick," Howie said as he pulled Brian over and hugged. "What ever it is Brian we're here for you. Even Nick in his own way is here for you," Howie said rubbing Brian's back.
"Okay this is not why we are having this discussion. Kevin told me about Wil, Brian and I think you should finally tell your mom the truth about how much all of this hurt you and how much you really are not what she expects you to be," AJ said removing his Sunglasses and looked directly at Brian.
"You guys are really nice for a um... group of stars," the driver said standing there with his arms wrapped firmly around himself. His Jacket was not heavy enough he knew it when he left the house. He had not stepped out of the makeshift Limousine at the airport due to that fact. He had not wanted to be rude but he realized how much he was being to look it.
"I am so sorry about the way that came out. I never meant it to sound that way." The shorter dark haired man said shivering. All the while Kevin was checking this guy out nothing seemed to fit.
'He is no Limousine driver.' Kevin thought he should know what one looks like he has been around enough of them to know.
"Okay tell me what you are doing out on a night like this coming after a bunch of spoiled individuals who could have just rented a care if someone's mom wasn't in charge," Kevin said realizing he had just answered his own question. Jackie was known for getting what she wanted. She always had and she always would. "Never mind all that, I don't even know your name?" Kevin said, smiling at the handsome half-frozen man.
"Ryan, and you are?" Ryan asked knowing who this guy was but avoiding the inquisition.
"Kevin Richardson, pleased to meet you Ryan. Now why didn't you just tell the Co. no, and stay home?" Kevin asked.
"I.. well it is difficult to say," Ryan said looking down at the small amount of snow on the ground from an earlier storm.
"Ok so you're not going to tell me. I can respect that I just thought you might need to talk about it and since we put you out in the cold in the first place. I thought I could make it up to you by talking and keeping you company. Or better yet telling you to get back in the car and sit with me. We could put up the window between us and the guys and talk." Kevin said gesturing towards the driver's door.
"You know I should have thought of that before I gave myself frostbite," Ryan said half smiling at Kevin who returned it whole heatedly.
"That is why I knew you weren't just some Limousine driver. So, I wanted to know what the real Ryan is and does," Kevin said not realizing how much it sounded like he was flirting. Ryan was suddenly in awe but he knew his love belonged to someone else.
"So, Brian are you going to talk about this or do we have to set here and wait all night," AJ asked trying to get Brian to say something. Brian was facing the front of the car as he sat there staring off into the white of winter deep in thought.
"Wil you know I can't sneak out and she would have my head. I really can't. Besides, she would tell my father. I do love you I really do, but, maybe this is for the best." Brian pleaded with a crying voice on the phone. Wil had made it clear how he felt. He felt the same way Brian did. They were in love. Young or not it was love. He felt it he knew love. But this love was forbidden.
That was the last time they spoke of love. It was ever so many years ago, it was when they were both sixteen. That was seven years ago. They had talked for the next 5 years approximately everyday for the first 3 then ever so slowly it dwindled down to almost nothing. Brian had not heard from Wil except for once this year on his birthday.
"Happy Birthday Bri! Now I know I was never supposed to say this again. But, I have been thinking allot and I must say I have come to the conclusion again..." Brian cut him off he knew what was coming.
"Wil I know what your going to say and I have to say I have been thinking about us allot and I agree with you. But, the facts remain the same I am still in my family and there is on bigger thing now that stops us even more. You know what I do for a living. What would we do to keep it quiet. I want to love you, I do love you, but it is still forbidden." Brian said with tears starting to form in his eyes.
There was silence on the live as Brian heard it suddenly and softly hang up. He felt his being slipped away. The two had spent the best parts of his life chasing one another and making this work over a long period of time as friends. With love, he felt he could move mountains and now he felt it all slip away as he made it happen himself. He knew he would never be happy without Wil. He knew but he could do nothing to change the facts. Perhaps in another lifetime in another place, they could make it work. If only he was not living a dream but, in his head he asked the ill-fated question.
'Is Love Not A Dream?'
"Brian are you okay?" Kevin asked snapping him out of his deep thought. Kevin had opened the passenger side door up front and stuck his head inside.
Soon enough Brian sat up and smiled at everyone. "I love him, but I pushed him away for everything else," he said leaning back into the seat. Purely in thought, he smiled at all of them as Kevin sighed heavily and waited for AJ to do what was right.
The glass began to rise as Kevin hit the switch. Ryan stepped into the car catching a quick glance at all of them setting back there as he slid inside. He noticed Brian and smiled to himself thinking back.
"You have the bluest eyes I have ever seen. They are like pools of emotion ready to be dipped into," he said to Brian that night before Jackie walked in on them.
"You always say the right things you know that," Brian replied.
"He always had a way to make me feel like I was the important one, like I meant so much to him. My family tries to do that but they lack the whole idea of the same kind of love that I need. Well, truthfully I needed it then but more so now and my family still wont see it. My mother made us stay away from one another. My father never knew my brother never saw it either. It was love it was the first that made me see that the power of it is overwhelming and the majesty of it make you sing," Brian said looking down at his laced together hands.
"We see it all the time Brian. In your music, in your eyes, in your heart it's all there. I wish I knew that kind of feeling and emotion," Howie said sitting with his back against the back passenger door.
Kevin stopped raising the glass between them just an inch above closing. He looked at Ryan and breathed a sigh as he saw that he had heard the whole thing.
"I used to be loved like that at one time. He told me... The man I was seeing at the time. He had a dream of life being the way we wanted it. But, as things did not work out it made it hard for me to believe the dream could be real." Ryan said not to anyone in particular. Kevin lowered the glass slightly to see what the reaction was in the back of the car.
"So you have had the same experience as Brian I take it," Kevin asked.
'Well, no not exactly. My family supports me in every way they can and it is shows. They love me." Ryan stopped to collect his thoughts.
"I Loved and still love Wil and he is no where to be found in my life because I let him be pushed away by the things that scarred me," Brian said as he leaned onto Nicks shoulder who just reached around him and hugged him from the side.
"I loved him dearly but he could not love me back. He said he did but it made no sense if he could not at least hold me in his arms. I wanted more than just the words," Ryan said.
"I wanted to hold him every night. I cried for the first six or seven months to get the feeling of him in my arms. I had to break my own heart. Wishing and Dreaming have been my hearts pain. I know I loved him. But, to defy everything I knew would have taken me away from everything. I would be defying my family. I would be defying God," Brian said letting a tear stream down his cheek.
"You say that as if you knew then what you know now. I bet you had no idea how he truly felt did you," Ryan asked not looking back.
"I tried my best not to ask him and I never did," Brian paused. "I couldn't ask him without the pain bringing me to the gates of a dismal pain that made me want to die."
The wind outside racked the car to the left, as everyone remained silent for a moment. Then Ryan lowered the window the rest of the way down still not turning around. Kevin noticed an opportunity forming here.
"Ryan you asked Brian the question. Why shouldn't you answer the question yourself," he said.
"I knew then what I know now. I will never forget him, I will never find another lover like him. Although we never..." he paused to think of the words. "We never took our physical relationship onto the next level. But, I loved him because of that, and also because we didn't need too. I will always forgive him, I am still in love with him. I know him as I know myself and I know if we looked each other in the eyes we would never let it end again. No southern Mother would step in. No God would punish us for the choices we did not make in the first place..." Ryan said as Kevin reached over and squeezed his shoulder.
"Brian do you believe God would have made you this way to punish you and never let you show your love to someone special?" Ryan asked.
Brian lifted his head thinking of his next answer it had been a long time coming and everyone remained silent as the newest driver turned into a saint in their eyes. Kevin could not believe his ears. Here a total stranger was breaking his cousin's walls down so easily and making it all seem clear to himself as well as Brian. He was transfixed; this was certainly not just a driver.
"I think my family believes it was my choice. But, who would choose this life of solace in a God that would hate me for that choice," Brian asked figuratively.
"God asks you not to hate. Does this also mean he can not hate and you can not hate yourself? If he created you and he says he did, then you are a Child of God and God does not hate his own creations. He punishes them but he does not hate them. God is Love." Nick responded.
"I know I understand where Brian is coming from; I always have. If our family is so narrow minded as to not see that they are against the very person that they have tried to protect then they are in the wrong. Because god said 'Judge not lest ye be judged' that tells me that God is the judge not us." Kevin said looking at Ryan with the hope that he would be able to make all of this make sense.
"Sound like you guys have given this some thought," Ryan said.
"I for one know I have," Brian said and paused as no one followed it up.
"Guys the only reason I broke up with him is because I was shamed into it by my mother. She made me see that God would deem me to reside in hell for it...... I loved him as I was to told to do and raised to do. I made him my world because he was my world. He understood me when my own family turned against me and in the end I still stood by them and let him go. I never meant to hurt him but I have and I lost his love because of it..... I lost it because of the stardom. I lost my faith in love; I lost my true faith in god. Why would a God be so cruel to keep us apart, when he made us the way we are? Why would I choose the loneliness and homophobia of this world. God would not do that on purpose, not the God I knew as a child." Brian said, deep in thought.
"Blesses are the Children, God is love," Nick said, surprised he had remembered any of the things he had learned in church half-grinning to himself. There was a silence of about 5 minutes until Ryan sighed heavily in the front seat breaking the monotony.
"Brian do you really believe he does not have feeling for you any longer," Ryan finally asked. Kevin was caught off guard by this he never really considered how Wil must have felt and here Ryan was making it clear to everyone that it was a two way street.
"I know he said he does. But, Ryan what you don't understand is...." Something was eating away at Brian and then he finally let the idea sink in. "Ryan do you think that he does still love me for me," Brian asked.
"I will never forget him, I will never find another lover like him. I will always forgive him; I am still in love with him. I know him as I know myself and I know if we looked each other in the eyes we would never let it end again. No obstacle would be to big for the right person, I may not have been strong enough or wise enough then, but I am now..." Ryan said as Kevin grinned at him.
"Did I tell you Wil's middle name was Ryan Howie. I used to call him William Ryan Littrell to get him to smile at me when he was down. I believed it was the right thing to be calling him. He was as close as I have ever been to being married. Kevin had tear in his eyes as he looked over at Ryan who was crying in the driver's seat.
"So, Ryan how did you end up picking us up," Kevin asked.
"I got hired by a bitter woman who loves her son so much and she has come to the conclusion that she has done him wrong. Kind of your typical fantasy novel. Mother's usually do not come to their senses until it is way to late. Hopefully she is not to late this time." Ryan said.
"I bet they work it out," Kevin said.
"If this was a Movie I bet they meet on the street after all those years of separation the street is white with snow the breath they breath makes mist in the air. The air is silent as nothing moves around them. Brian takes a step as he sees a familiar face. They do not lock eyes they approach each other but they are still unsure." AJ said opening the door and pushing Brian outside.
"Wil maybe you should get out here," Kevin said. "I want to see how it ends or begins," Kevin said almost pushing for him to go.
Wil stepped out of the car still freezing cold. Brian could see him shiver as he stepped out. Time had been kind to him. He was now Kevin's height still built from what working out he did. Not over done but enough to grapple onto. He could not look him in the eyes yet.
"So, this love of your life has been waiting along time to tell you how he feels I take it." Brian asked sheepishly walking towards Ryan.
"Their breath froze in the air as a silence rushed around them the two stood alone no interrupting from the outside world. They loved one another, but were never able to tell. They knew this was their moment but neither looked into the others eyes as they walked towards one another. He loved him God he loved him but he had been hurt. So bad he was afraid." Ryan said as he took the next three steps.
"Brian was just as afraid as he took his next step he remembered being hurt so long ago. First by his mother, second by his career. Brian's brothers waited on baited breath to see what would happen next." Brian said winking at Kevin who had opened the window to look out.
Ryan grinned as he took another step towards Brian. He would not make eye contact with him. He knew if he did so quickly he would end up rushing this, and even so, the anticipation was killing him. He looked up just in time to see Brian doing the same. Only two feet away now as they each glanced at the others face. At first sight, time was standing still no motion only emotion as neither attempted to make a move.
Kevin let out a heavy sigh as he saw the moment arrive. His heart was pounding for the two as he let his tears begin to fall. A hand reached up from the back seat of the Limousine rubbing the back of his neck and caressing him making him feel both loved and proud to be a member of this group. As he suspected it was Howie giving him the care of the moment. He suspected it was just the passion of the moment. For as long as he had felt that way for Howie he suspected it would never go any further. AJ reached over and opened the backdoor as each of them stepped outside. Kevin was helped out by Howie and held him tight as the rest watched Brian and Ryan.
Brian let out the breath that he had been holding for what seemed like forever. Ryan watched closely as his lover's eyes met his and they spoke volumes without saying a word. A light snow began to fall as the thoughts of truth and love surrounded them and the finally took the final step towards one another.
"William Ryan Smyth still holds my heart and the key to my love." Brian said as neither broke the gaze.
"Brian Thomas Litrell never lost my love. I knew he was the one from the day we first met. He is still the one and will always be my heart," Ryan said.
Howie held Kevin tight as they hugged watching the scene unfold before them. It was not just a momentary thing it was real for them too. They had each held off for so long for the fears that no longer existed. Fear meant nothing for in fear they hid from themselves and would have never received the love they so desired if they remained that way. Nick and AJ both turned to them and grinned.
"I was wondering when they were going to get to that," AJ whispered to Nick.
Brian leaned gently forwards as Ryan did the same. Each cocked their head to the side as they gently kissed for the first time in seven years. Ryan began to sob as he wrapped his arms around Brian fear it was just a dream.
Brian's heart leapt into his throat as he realized the only thing that had been keeping them apart all along was time. Time for understanding and time for love to be let into his heart. He gently reached up with a free hand and wiped Rya's stray tears.
"I love you." Brian whispered.
"I love you too." Ryan whispered back.
Kevin and Howie could be heard doing the same thing just a few feet way. Brian was happier than he had ever expected he would feel ever again in his life. He had wanted to be loved and to be able to love for so long and now it was all possible again in his life.
A cold gust of wind ruffled their hair as they stood staring at one another. AJ and Nick cheer in the background for them or so it seemed. Each of them looked back at the friends stand there and found Kevin and Howie deeply involved in a passionate kiss. Ryan giggles slightly as he squeezed Brian's hand.
"Say that you will love me even still tomorrow?" Ryan asked.
"I will love you for the rest of our lives." Brian said staring at his love again.
"By the power invested in me." AJ started but was immediately stopped by Nick smacking him in the arm.
Kevin and Howie laughed now breaking apart as AJ smashed Nick into the snow.
"Merry Christmas Brian!" Jackie Litrell said as she walked down the nearby driveway finding the boys just a few feet beyond.
Brian held tight to Ryan's hand and began to worry if it was to be like before. But Jackie had called Ryan. She knew what she was doing from the beginning.
"Brian I see my sending Wil to go get you has had the affect I had hoped," Jackie said.
Brian looked shocked but Kevin and the others had already figured it out from earlier in the conversation.
"Can you forgive an old woman for her worries?" She asked Brian.
"Yes Momma I love you so much," Brian said walking over to her and hugging her tight almost ready to cry. All the while Ryan (Wil) stood there hold onto Brian's free hand.
"Come here Wil." Jackie said pulling him in next. "Thank you for everything. I'm sorry for what I did to you two," Jackie said kissing his cheek.
They all headed up to the house in the make shift Limousine. For the first time in several years, it was a Merry Christmas in the Litrell household. All hope was returned and they all celebrated new beginnings and erased the past mistakes.
The End...
writergray@aol.com