Grace Written by JM Beta by Nicole Brown
** Disclaimer: Don't own em, don't know em, not factual. No harm, no foul. Please be at least the age of 18. **
I'm on my knees
Only memories are left for me to hold
Don't know how but I'll get by
Slowly pull myself together
Crying wasn't seen as a manly trait in most regions of the world. Some felt it showed weakness, vulnerability. Others thought it to show humanity. It could be discouraging. It could be freeing. There could be arguments made that it showed strength to expose it in front of others.
None of this mattered much to him. He wasn't a crier. It wasn't in him. He dealt with stress, sadness, situations in other ways. It wasn't that he had never cried, but when he did, it was in private and those times were few and far between. Only moments dealing with death allowed him to truly release all pent of burdens that he carried with no shame.
But he wasn't a crier. He refused to be. Even ducking away into a bedroom he didn't really know except for one prior visit, he refused to truly release his tears. They were stinging impatiently at his eyes, an occasional blink release a slivering stream that he quickly wiped away with frustration and agitation. He didn't want them to slip too far down his face. He didn't want the tears to escape at all, but physical restraints were bearing down on him and he couldn't find thoughts and tears at the same time. Still, he tried.
He did his best not to sniffle. Sniffling was beneath him. It was a child-like attribute that he did his best to ditch through the years because his experiences in life left too many scars for him to be this broken over something so unpretentious. He did his best to take in a smooth breath, a cough caught at the back of his throat and then he was sniffling again. He was damned either way.
He scratched the back of his hand, used it to scrub away another tear as he glanced around the room. He wished it was his room because that meant he could crawl into that bed and lay for hours without answering his phone or the door or any form of communication that separated him from four walls of non-existence. But those weren't his sheets, his comforters. It wasn't even the type of bed he was accustomed to. And those pictures on the nightstand near the bed or the dresser in the corner weren't of him. He recognized a picture of Baylee, even though it was of him as a newborn. He wanted to smile at it but it just caused more cascading tears to slip from his eyes. He was angry with himself for letting that happen.
His foot stomped against the ground as he tried to swallow his emotions. He supposed it was a force of habit. Too much time trying to be a perfectionist, trying to be so perfect at everything that when he failed in the slightest, he was overcome. He was sitting in the corner of the bedroom with his legs pulled up almost to his chest, and his elbows were resting on top of his knees. There was a light scent of vanilla, hints of cinnamon, wrestling through the air. Everything remained intensely silent outside of his occasional sniffling. It left him undisturbed but still could not deafen the sounds of his thinking.
I'll get through this...
There's no escape so keep me safe
This feels so unreal
He closed his eyes briefly. He let a few tears trickle down as he tried to pacify his emotions. He made sure to take clear breaths, long exhales. He rubbed his thumb under his nose, permitting himself to sniffle. Part of him wanted to laugh. Justin Timberlake was broken. Not completely shattered but just enough to keep him from doing anything but sitting in the corner of a room with one leg falling asleep and his foot tapping against the ground to soothe frustration. If the paparazzi knew his whereabouts, he was sure they'd find great pleasure in snapping shots of him in this state. They'd probably hound him until he broke in another way.
He ran a hand over his shorn hair, eyes still closed but tears ceasing for a moment. He was sure when he decided to look in a mirror again that there would be a puffiness under his eyes. They were probably a dull crimson color, almost hiding the natural blueness they usually held. His nose would probably be red and his lips would be raw from chewing on them.
Fingers slid across the back of his hand and his immediate response was to flinch with surprise. His eyes blinked open, lashes barely stuck together by warm tears. He squinted at Brian, bottom lip barely remaining still. It felt the need to tremble, but he held it steadfast. He sniffled quietly and sighed, watched the way Brian smiled at him with that tenderness that always eased so many of his fears. He rarely spoke those fears to Brian because he was the stronger in most cases. His thoughts were immediate: He didn't want to be broken in front of Brian.
He cleared his throat but didn't know the words that he needed to speak. Brian's fingers were dancing across his skin, a thumb under his eye wiping away a tear while his other hand massaged the back of Justin's. He was kneeling and looking upon Justin with safe blue eyes and a dimpled smile. It was his remedy for comfort that Justin wanted to seek, just not from Brian.
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace
"Don't cry."
Brian's words, his voice sent an instantaneous shiver down Justin's spine. His slid his feet backward until his legs were pressed to his chest and his chin was resting on them. He felt Brian's warmth fade from his skin but it soon returned when a hand brushed his buzzed hair back. He let his eyes shut again, tried not to stretch for that touch when it pulled away once more. He rolled his neck, let his head rest against the wall as he took in a few more deep breaths.
"Not crying," Justin muttered, again fighting with tears. He cleared his throat loudly, eyes opening to look on Brian once more. How could he run from that? His lungs burned and his head was throbbing because he was fighting against opening his arms and jerking Brian to him, embracing him with that urgency that ached against the back of his throat.
"Want a shoulder?" Brian offered in that tender voice that, against all of his will, brought unrelenting tears to Justin's blue eyes.
Justin shook his head quickly, sucking in his bottom lip. He appreciated Brian's sentiment, his trueness to a custom that was created between the two. He wanted that shoulder more than he wanted to release those biting tears but his refusal was immediate. He tried to disguise the need in his eyes with a self-reliant expression.
"Okay, you're too old to act stubborn Justin. Even Baylee isn't that bad," Brian remarked, still holding steady with his grin. He watched the way Justin cringed at his son's name and sighed quietly. He brushed his thumb along the bridge of Justin's nose and did his best to scoot closer without falling over onto Justin. He knew his eyes were welcoming but Justin still refused.
Brian slid a finger under Justin's chin, did his best to lift it and get a clearer view of Justin's eyes. He listened to the sporadic sniffles and struggled with Justin. He found patience in the way Justin barely lifted his head, gave Brian a pout before letting his eyes drop, another tear escaping. Brian caught it with his middle finger, sighing again as he placed his hands on Justin's shoulders. He gave them a light squeeze and let Justin have his moment.
"Daddy! Daddy! I'm all cleaned up!"
Brian turned his head in the direction of his son's voice, a light smile gracing his lips when he spotted Baylee scampering toward with him raised arms and a cherry-red grin. He welcomed Baylee's presence, the innocent air surrounding him infectious. He suppressed a giggle when his son's arms wrapped around his neck, his body turning slightly to wrap an arm around Baylee's back while still leaving a hand on Justin's shoulder.
Brian caught the way Baylee peeked around him, looked at Justin with wild curiosity. He let his own focal point fall on Justin, watching the way Justin shyly turned his head away, his best attempt at hiding from view. Brian could see Justin was trying hard not to breathe, not to blink while staring into oblivion. It was an avoidance Brian had come to expect.
"Is Justin crying?" Baylee questioned, his voice soft and dangerously close to his father's ear but still it was heard.
"Not crying," Justin replied quickly, his voice nearly mumbled by a soft sob as he tried to maintain control over his tears. He used his own thumb to wipe away an unnoticed one as it slid slowly down his cheek. He was quick to rub his face, hoping to scour away any faint sign of his tears but his distressed appearance was sure to show more hints than clear tears barely visible against his flushed cheeks.
Brian chuckled lightly as his son pulled away and tried to step closer to Justin. He tousled Baylee's hair, letting his eyes remain on Justin. His fingers danced down over Baylee's forehead, tips touching a band-aid attached to the middle of Baylee's forehead. He felt his son flinch and pull away, small hands rested on one of Justin's arms.
"Baylee, what did Daddy tell you about people who lie?" Brian inquired, his voice light and good-humored. He swallowed a laugh when Justin's head snapped in his direction, fighting with a grin as he stared back at Justin.
"Their noses grow really long like in the story," Baylee boasted, a hand happily reaching up and cupping Justin's nose. "You shouldn't lie!"
"That's right buddy," Brian said happily, kissing the top of Baylee's head.
He could still feel Justin glaring at him but it didn't trouble him. Brian refused to let Justin's anger overrule his need to comfort Justin. He just let his hand slink from Justin's shoulder, down his arm until he reached Justin's wrist.
"Don't cry," Baylee gushed, his hand reaching up and wiping under Justin's eyes. He pouted as Justin gently tried to duck away from Baylee's touch.
"Not..."
"How's your head Baylee?" Brian questioned, brisk to prevent Justin from repeating his statement. He looked away from Justin, fighting temptation to aid Baylee in wiping away stray tears from Justin's eyes.
"I'm fine Daddy," Baylee whined, still intent with looking at Justin. He rested his chin on Justin's arm, staring at him with fascination rimming his docile blue eyes.
Brian nodded, toying with a few stray stands on Baylee's blonde hair. He chewed the inside of his mouth, aware that Justin was looking at him but ignoring it. He could feel Justin's irritation through his skin. Justin didn't want to relive what happened but Brian saw it as a way through his process of healing.
"Then lil' buddy I think you should be heading toward your room so you can go to sleep. You know it's late," Brian insisted, patting the small of Baylee's back.
Baylee groaned, tilting his head to grasp another view of Justin. He turned his head, chin still planted on Justin's forearm, and whispered, "Can I sleep in here with you tonight?"
Brian shook his head with a smile, tapping the end of his son's nose. "No, but you can sleep in your room and maybe I'll come sing you a song before you go to sleep."
"Okay," Baylee replied with a sigh, easing off of Justin. He backed away with a small pout, eyes dancing between his father and Justin.
"Any requests buddy?" Brian asked, still trying to tend to both his son and Justin. He let his fingers linger on Justin before feeling Justin's interlock with his. He sighed out a smile and wanted to glance back at Justin with that smile.
"'It's A Small World,'" Baylee requested, his voice small until the final word.
Brian nodded, a relieved smile rubbing his lips as Baylee smiled back and dashed out of the room. Brian laughed lowly because so much of Baylee seemed reminiscent of himself. Part of him wanted to chase after Baylee, crawl into bed with him and hold his son. He didn't want to do it for comfort, but for prosperity. He wanted to hold onto those tiny moments that kept flickering in and out as his son grew older and wiser to his surroundings.
I feel the cold, loneliness unfold
Like from another world
Come what may, I won't fade away
But I know I might change
Brian briskly turned his attention back to Justin, the younger man's eyes on everything but Brian again. Brian shuffled a little as Justin stretched, long legs pushing forward and arms raising above his head. He smirked when Justin still held onto his hand a he stretched, flushed cheeks and heavy eyes still showing signs of Justin's distress. Tears were still lining the bottom of his eyes and Brian didn't have to wait long before one managed to escape the confines of Justin's lids. He didn't attempt to catch it this time.
"Say it," Brian requested, words short but he knew Justin understood them. He didn't make it complicated and he kept his expression lighthearted.
Justin exhaled heavily, releasing Brian's hand. He rubbed his temples with eyes fully closed and head tilted back. His foot had stop tapping and his legs spread a little, an unexpected invitation for Brian to kneel between. He cleared his throat and tried to piece all of his scattered thoughts together without struggling too much.
"I'm tired from touring and doing these damn award shows. Plus I have to do promotional things for movies every time I turn around and none of this is an excuse for breaking your son," Justin gushed, head falling forward with eyes opened. He looked at Brian who stared back with a curious expression that drug Justin further into the thoughts he was trying to escape. He swallowed to rid the back of his throat of that dryness that left him struggling more with his voice than words.
"I broke your son Brian and all of this pressure of being some great person isn't an excuse for not listening to you. You said it was best not to play in the house, but I didn't listen. Instead I decide it's fine for Baylee to dribble the basketball around and look what I did. I fucking let him fall and now he has a cut on his head," Justin declared, hands moving as he talked but none of it distracted Brian's eyes from his.
"You didn't break my son," Brian said slowly, grabbing Justin's hands to prevent them from any further wild gestures.
"Yes, I did. He hit his head Brian. He has a cut on his head because I was negligent and it sucks because it feels like I'm doing my best to be this great thing and I keep falling and hitting my own head," Justin fussed, eyes wide with barely there tears still fastening themselves to his azure eyes.
Brian released one of Justin's hands, using his own to wipe away a few tears. He brushed the back of his hand over Justin's cheek as he sniffled and again tried to catch his breath. He wasn't sobbing or even whimpering but something about his frustration and fighting tears was draining Justin and Brian knew there wasn't much left for Justin to expel.
"You're doing just fine baby," Brian insisted, breathing out a small smile that he knew did little to relieve the pressure still weighing against Justin's heart.
"I thought I was," Justin confessed lowly, head ducking. He toyed with the hem of his shirt before adding, "but I just haven't been handling all of this stuff very well. All of this talk in the tabloids and TV shows about whether I'm dating Jessica or Scarlett or whoever else they want it to be. It's killing me because these are just girls I know and I wonder sometimes if it's all too much. Like, what effect is it going to have?"
Brian nodded though he knew Justin wasn't looking. His life in the spotlight had spared him a few jabs of current dissection of celebrities' lives. No one bothered to follow him that often, not nearly as much as Justin. They didn't pry or wonder who he was dating, though he could be thankful that his marriage had spared him much of that drama.
"It doesn't bother me," Brian noted softly, smiling a little wider when Justin lifted his head again.
"Which is good but it just gets to be a big fucking headache. And instead of being able to even concentrate on what I need to, there's the added pressure of my mother who is freaking about this whole Britney thing," Justin sighed out, taking in his bottom lip. He waited for signs of discouragement in Brian's face, but they never came. "It's not like I'm not because there's history there. I mean, it's Britney. I'll always love her."
"Just like I'll always have love for Leigh Anne. It's okay," Brian assured him, hand gently massaging the side of Justin's neck before drifting to a shoulder.
"Yeah, I guess," Justin replied with a shrug. He didn't mean to let his mind drift away his thoughts but Brian's words concerning Leigh Anne reminded him of where he was and what he wasn't.
"Your mom is just concerned about someone who is important in your life. My mother is the same way Ju," Brian declared, accent slowly becoming thicker as he scooted closer to Justin.
Justin nodded and cleared his throat again. The tears had managed to cease yet his eyes were still heavy and his body wasn't feeling the relief he knew his eyes would soon. He licked his lips, glancing at Brian, before replying, "Yeah, Britney's important but my mom knows there's someone more important now. I think that's part of the reason she's freakin' on me because I finally told her about you and she's trying to take the news in a more modern way but my mom has those old fashion ways about her and the thought of her son having feelings for a man isn't clicking like everything usually does for her."
Brian raised an eyebrow toward Justin. Throughout their conversations on the phone, he couldn't remember Justin mentioning any information concerning their situation and his mother. He chewed the inside of his lip and fought back a smile. Was that the next level? Brian knew the role Justin's mother played in his life. They talked daily, many times daily. She was a strong figure in everything he did and now she was aware of Brian's presence. She was aware of what Justin thought of him even though Brian, at times, wasn't completely sure he knew what Justin thought of him.
"So that's why I'm sitting here, crying like a bitch, because I let Baylee fall," Justin professed, a heavy sigh following his sullen words. He let his nose twitch while he tried hard not to stare at Brian. Was Brian this exposed when he cried on Justin's shoulder? Justin knew Brian didn't cry as much or speak in such complicated, impulsive tandems like he did. "I just feel overwhelmed because today was the day I could've been good. I felt like a bad..."
"Father?" Brian inquired and he immediately caught sight of Justin ducking his head again. He chuckled quietly, thumb rubbing against the scruff on Justin's chin. He didn't know if Justin knew what phrase he was going for but Brian was hoping that was the direction he was slowly stumbling toward.
"Father," Justin muttered, agreeing with a small nod.
"Be my boyfriend," Brian rushed out and it wasn't that he regretted the request after it was spoken but he was sure he wanted to do it in something resembling poetic. He was an accomplished songwriter, a man of many intelligent words and phrases. He knew he could do better but the words were enough to cause Justin to raise his head and look at him directly. He smiled at Justin without proposition.
Justin felt a thickness in the back of his throat and he didn't know what direction to drift to. He tilted his head and gave Brian an obscure look. He was trying to read into Brian's smile, understand his thought process in uttering the words that he did.
"I can't sleep in here tonight," Justin finally managed to say. It was the only thought he could reign together for a complete sentence. Everything is in need of oxygen and while he believed Brian was capable of bait-and-switch, it didn't seem to calculate this time.
Brian nodded toward Justin, finding strength to stand from his position between Justin's legs. He felt blood trying to rush back to his legs, his limbs a little numb from being crouched down too long. He stretched a little and reached a hand down to Justin.
"Understood," Brian said, voice unaffected and still full of that lively accent that wrapped Justin in warmth when they spoke freely on the phone. He grabbed Justin's hand and helped him stand before adding, "Be my boyfriend."
Justin stumbled a little when hearing the appeal again. He tried not to stare at Brian but it was inescapable. Had they both been so lost in their own thoughts that their communication was no longer moving on parallel planes? He held Brian's hand a little too tight and a little too long. He was slightly distracted when Brian pulled his away but he still managed to let his thoughts wrap around the idea of Brian's proposition.
"I understand why you don't want to sleep in here. I bought a new bed but even I don't like to sleep in here anymore. Too many memories of Leigh Anne and my marriage and I can see how that would make you uncomfortable," Brian explained, still unchanged by the tension between them. He grabbed Justin's hand loosely before continuing. "I usually sleep in the guest room or the living room. Sometimes with Baylee. I need to check up on him and then you can decide where we sleep."
Justin nodded, still vaguely lost in Brian's ramblings.
"But. Be. My. Boyfriend," Brian pleaded this time, words deliberately slow and emphasized with purpose. He released Justin's hand and moved toward the door, backing away with blue eyes still lost in Justin's. They were pleading enough for him and he didn't let Justin's puzzled expression dissuade him.
Brian stood in the doorway to his bedroom for a second, watching the way Justin stood against the wall with eyes never leaving Brian. His breathing had eased and there were no tears for Brian to wipe away. It was enough to encourage a grin from him and he felt no need to interrupt Justin's thoughts with more words. He knew not to try to persuade the younger man. Justin was capable of piecing together things Brian couldn't and even with rejection, Brian's heart couldn't help but flutter, knowing he dared to be bold and reach for something he knew he wanted but didn't think he had the strength to grasp.
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace
Twiddling his thumbs felt so cliche to him. Watching himself twiddle his thumbs felt even more awkward but he let it happen. He wished he didn't because it showed that he was actually thinking over things that he thought was best he didn't. He wanted to understand why instinct chose not to kick in when the event happened but maybe this was instinct? Maybe he wasn't supposed to run toward the obvious and actually deliberate a choice in life that could lead to other choices? He thought maybe rationale thinking should've kicked in back when he decided it was okay for him to support Brian and kiss him and have sex with him while his son slept in a room a dozen feet away.
His feet unconsciously wanted to shuffle against the floor but sitting on top of a washing machine in the laundry room of Brian's house in Georgia didn't permit it. His bare feet just hung, a pair of jeans hiding his ankles and even in the night, the heat from outside left Justin to sit with just a wifebeater on.
He was hunched forward and his eyes were more on the ground than his hands now but his ears weren't deaf to sound and he could hear the sounds of bare feet against the cool tile when they entered the room. He felt the shadows and he honestly didn't think Brian would find him in the room outside of the chance that he saw the light through the barely-open door.
Justin lifted his head and sighed unconsciously, unable to offer Brian a smile when the older man stood in front of him. He ran a nervous hand up his own arm, fingers brushing against the hair there before reaching his bicep to give a soft squeeze. He let his feet bounce off the cool metal of the washing machine, watching Brian stand idly with a small smile and no words.
He thought it'd be easier to accept the possibility of chasing a dream. He had dreamt about Brian, night after night. He even dreamt of the two together, though he hated admitting that he dreamt about the two raising Baylee together. That was invading a territory that he knew he shouldn't freely do. How could he if he couldn't wrap his mind around the thought of actually accepting Brian's invitation for a more permanent role in Brian's life even though he knew the two had discussed it before. It never felt so official.
"Did you pick a room?" Brian asked, his voice steady on that prime tone that refused to succumb to the pressure that was built between the two.
Justin looked away. He knew it was a subtle technique of Brian's. He was good at avoiding what they were supposed to discuss and Justin is aware he could do it too. He tried not to, most of the time. He rubbed his hands along his jeans, chewing on the edge of his bottom lip while looking at Brian.
"No."
"Will you be my boyfriend?" Brian queried, his question fleetly preventing Justin from elaborating on his previous response.
Justin laughed halfheartedly, tilting his head back some to glance above Brian. He nervously played with fringed thread on the seam of his jeans and shook his head. Part of him actually thought Brian would desert the thoughts of asking Justin again, but he knew better.
"You're crazy," Justin muttered, letting his eyes fall on Brian again. He caught that Jim Carrey grin that Justin couldn't help but adore and he welcomed Brian stepping closer until his hands rested on Justin's knees and his body was standing in the vee of Justin's legs.
"You know I've been kid tested, mother approved in the past," Brian boasted, chuckling afterward and his heart fluttered when Justin joined him.
"Is this you trying to convince me?" Justin wondered, a shy hand lifting to run over Brian's naked chest. When did Brian decide to lose his shirt? Justin was sure he was too distracted before to notice that Brian had lost almost all of his clothing and now only wore a pair of baggy sweatpants.
"More like me pleading my case," Brian offered, still smiling.
"Same difference," Justin chided with a smirk, flicking one of Brian's nipples. He pressed his lips together for a sigh when Brian's hands ran up his sides, gently lifting up his wifebeater until it rolled halfway up his chest. He let it sit, too content on tracing over Brian's chest with lazy fingers.
Brian leaned forward a little, not searching for a kiss or an embrace, just the warmth of Justin's body. He stood on the tips of his toes and let his hands massage the small of Justin's back, fingers dipping low and tracing the top of Justin's boxers. "I don't think you're understanding that the level of difficulty here is rather non-existent. It won't be any different from now."
"But it is different Brian," Justin declared, shaking away some of that lighthearted emotion while stringing fingers through Brian's blonde hair.
Brian sighed. His bottom lip had found its way into his mouth and he didn't know why he was sucking on it. Justin influenced him too much. He wanted to smile at that.
"I'm on the very edge of a divorce. I'm practically going to have to raise Baylee by myself because Leigh Anne just isn't grasping the concept of motherhood anymore thanks to this new man in her life," Brian stated, eyes looking down at Justin's chest rather than his eyes, "but I didn't think of any of that today. I thought about this one guy who I trusted with my kid and watching him cry because he felt he did something wrong when in my eyes he did everything right. He showed me that he wasn't perfect and it didn't alter my trust in him. It made me want to trust him more, make things between he and I official because its what I've wanted but just didn't say."
Justin toyed with the ends of Brian's hair, his palm cupping the back of Brian's neck. He listened with the attentiveness he knew he wanted to provide earlier but he was too troubled by his own thoughts. He kissed the top of Brian's forehead and rested his against Brian's when Brian lifted his head.
"You can't want me because you saw broken Justin today," Justin whispered.
"I don't," Brian argued quietly and with little force. "I didn't see broken Justin. I saw what you probably saw when I told you about Leigh Anne cheating on me. I'm sure me crying on your shoulder or looking broken didn't make you want to kiss me."
"Not at all," Justin agreed, his brow wrinkling as he thought. Brian's vulnerability was the last thing that made him want to kiss Brian then. It was his honesty. It was the way he trusted Justin without either of them saying it forthright. There was something in his charm and yet his innocence was still prevalent.
"So there's no difference," Brian jested, letting Justin cup his face in his large hands. He almost didn't want to look in Justin's eyes because Justin was good at arguing. He could convince Brian he had not thought out all of the options or the repercussions of his desires.
"There's a difference," Justin said with a nod, a petite smile gracing his lips.
Brian sighed again before whispering, "what?"
"I wanted to ask you first," Justin smiled out, eyes deprived of that devastation from earlier.
"That's not a difference," Brian quickly rebutted and it almost escaped him that Justin was smiling at him.
Justin laughed lowly, hands sliding off of Brian's face. He massaged Brian's shoulders before rolling his eyes. "It's an answer if you read in between the lines dumb ass."
Brian wanted to throw out another argument but his heart got caught in his throat and realization set in. He rewound everything in his head and let it playback in slow motion. Was there a yes in there? Subtle but existent, it had a lasting effect. It only took him a moment to see the context in what Justin said and he didn't understand how it evaded him before.
"We did say we wanted something a little more permanent, huh?" Justin asked with a nervous laugh. He tried to keep the laugh going because he wasn't as suited as Brian to deal with tension but lips were forced on his and he gasped instead of laughed. His eyes were still wide but the slow motion of Brian's lips made his eyes heavy again and his hand reached behind Brian to grab his head and hold him in the kiss. He happily returned Brian's affection, lips finding that constant motion that Brian's moved in.
Brian pulled back, hesitantly, but he gladly accepted a few butterfly kisses from Justin as he drew away. He wanted to fall forward and continue, crawl into Justin's lap and figure out how they could both fit on top of the washer while kissing. Resistance assisted him in dodging those thoughts for the moment. He was too busy foolishly grinning at Justin while Justin captivated him with deep blue eyes and parted lips. He watched the way the tip of Justin slithered out and ran across his bottom lip. Brian wanted it to be his tongue wetting those lips, but again he endured.
"I wonder how you'll explain this one to Baylee," Justin said with a warm grin, leaning back some because temptation was proving to be too great with Brian so close and something resembling an erection trying to form in his jeans.
"Should be interesting," Brian smiled back, puckering his lips toward Justin.
Justin swooped in for a quick kiss but snatched back before Brian could place a hand behind his head to hold him there. He giggled happily, swatting Brian's hand as he tried to pull him back. "Let me know how that turns out."
Brian shook his head at Justin, giving his thighs a little squeeze. He let his hands ride up until he was able to pinch Justin's side while thumbing at the button of his jeans with his other hand. He smirked when Justin didn`t flinch away, replying, "You've become quite the tease sweetheart."
"Maybe I am a little cocky," Justin boasted, his hand folding on top of Brian's as he tried to unsnap the button on his jeans. He traced his fingers over the back of Brian's hand, grinning because he knew what Brian wanted but resisted it. His penis was throbbing underneath the jeans but he was doing his best to adjust and hide it from Brian.
"Try a little cock tease," Brian muttered. He flinched back quickly when Justin lightly slapped his hand, pouting his lips at Justin's feign expression of anger.
"You plan to kiss the lips of your boyfriend with that mouth?" Justin inquired, instinctively grabbing Brian's hand to massage it after slapping it. He held it while watching the expression on Brian's face mold from saddened to mystified. He waited for the temptation to reemerge, hook its way into his senses and leave Justin not wanting to leave well enough alone.
Brian's hand drifted from Justin's touch, joining his other on top of Justin's jeans. They toyed with a button, a zipper, the way Justin became a little restless underneath their touches. His lips formed a gasp, silent in its descent as the zipper drew down and Brian's eyes dropped from viewing Justin's to his lower body. They watched skin revealed, boxers bunching and crumpling as jeans were slowly shimmied down.
"I can do other things with my mouth instead of kissing my boyfriend's lips if my mouth is too filthy," Brian offered, not looking up. He was too concentrated on trying to drag Justin's jeans down, satisfied when Justin lifted his hips to assist him in his endeavor. He let the denim slide until it locked around Justin's ankles, remaining because Justin's end of the deal had already been done.
Brian ran almost shaky hands over golden skin, occasionally glancing down to watch how his hands looked against Justin's legs. He traced with concentration over Justin's kneecaps, following short, curly brown hairs up Justin's thighs. They slid inward, felt creases as they fondled the inside of Justin's thighs, a small grin pressing forward on Brian's lips as Justin's legs tried to spread some for Brian.
Brian let his blue eyes drift upward from his hands on Justin's thighs, a crooked grin creaking over his lips as he saw the head of Justin's cock peeking from beneath the waistband of Justin's boxers. When did he miss Justin adjusting himself so that his cock was laying flat against his stomach rather than laying proudly, thick and erect against his thigh? He peeked up, watched the way Justin eyed him with half-trusting eyes and a tight jaw. His lips were still ruddy, almost dry again and waiting to be kissed.
"This thought process thing you've got going is either a real turn on or just disturbing," Justin remarked, hands on either side of himself, scared to lift and drag Brian forward by his hair for a tongue-laced kiss that would surely lead them to doing things on the floor of Brian's laundry room rather than experimenting with whatever ideas were rustling through Brian's head.
"Pretend," Brian rebutted with a smirk, licking his own lips because he wanted Justin's instead.
"I'm pretending I'm kissing you right now," Justin whispered, a shy hand lifting as he permitted his thumb to trace over Brian's chin. He smoothed up, ran over Brian's bottom lip and a gasp echoed in his chest when Brian slowly took the thumb into his mouth, tongue tracing over the nail.
"You don't have to be pretend that's happening," Brian snickered when Justin's thumb slipped out, hands snaking up and under Justin's boxers to feel more coarse hair and the heat from Justin's balls.
"If I kiss you, then I can't see what it is you plan on doing with that filthy mouth," Justin joked, but he was slightly serious. He was daring Brian because he couldn't remember when Brian had been that bold. He couldn't remember Brian actually doing that, except for once and that was for only a brief moment to wake him up one morning and it only led to other things that had Brian face down on a hotel bed with Justin on top doing something he was becoming better at judging by Brian's moans.
Brian raised an eyebrow at Justin, a curious expression marring the features of his face. His hands became a little more liberal, tracing over the fabric of Justin's pale blue boxers, a palm kneading Justin's erection through the thin cotton. They fluttered up and over Justin's stomach, dancing back down to tug at the waistband before letting it snap back. He laughed under his breath when Justin lightly punched his arm. He was sure the slap of elastic against his erection was the least bit arousing or pleasant.
"So it's okay for your boyfriend to do filthy things with his filthy mouth?" Brian pondered, sultry voice and eyes looking up, head tilting to admire Justin. Even in a sense of desperation and undeniable arousal, Justin carried a quality of humbleness and a quiet, controlled nature that Brian adored without even thinking about it.
Justin leaned in to Brian a quick peck, hands rising and resting on Brian's shoulders. He scooted forward and lifted from the washer to allow Brian to drag down his boxers, back arching a little to expose himself while teetering on the edge of the cold washing machine. He felt the boxers bunched somewhere just below his knees but his focus was on the way Brian was staring down at him, his body flushed from the attention but nothing compared to the way his cock twitched, a finer hue of red.
"It's okay for my boyfriend to do whatever he wants because I'm his," Justin remarked, voice a little strained but still there. He shifted again, found a comfortable position. His own hand strayed, dared to give his cock a light squeeze. He was fascinated by the way the clear liquid leaked from the tip and he wanted to let a moan roll through his throat when he gave himself a small stroke. He was sure he could relieve all the pressure building below right in front of Brian without Brian doing anything but staring at him with a slightly ajar mouth and lidded eyes.
Brian was swift about pulling Justin's hand away, replacing it with his own and finding some kind of fascination with the way his small hand made Justin's erection bounce and throb. He gave it a few strokes, felt Justin's feet bang against the washer. His other hand reached under and toyed with Justin's balls. He couldn't smile the way he wanted when his thumb played with the head because he was too concentrated. He liked the way it drew Justin's breath from his body, grunts raking against his throat and he knew that wouldn't be good for Justin's singing voice.
The initial bowing of the head, the soft, tentative lick, the way lips kissed quickly across the side left Justin with more labored breaths rather than the deep, undulating ones that he was used to when Brian touched him. He fought against instinct to put a hand behind Brian's head, letting Brian kiss along the shaft before dragging his tongue up and over the head. His spine shivered and his hands turned into fists as he tried to control himself. Maybe it was because he had spent three days without relieving himself, too busy trying to find sleep and doing work to take care of the common pleasure for the human body.
Justin fought hard to spread his legs, wiggling his feet until the jeans dropped away and there was nothing left but rumpled boxers hanging off of one foot. He exhaled hard, arching a little as Brian began to open his mouth and suck on the head. He brought a gasp through Justin's tense jaw and Justin couldn't help but lay a sweaty hand on Brian's shoulder for encouragement.
Brian was too new at this to be good but he was something delicious against Justin's skin as the tip of his tongue circled the head and licked just underneath it. His hand was holding Justin's cock in place, the other hand somewhere buried in his sweats and Justin could only imagine what he was doing because he couldn't see. Stars were beginning to form across his vision and he took in a deep, cleansing breath as Brian lowered his head a little more. His head buzzed when Brian drew back and began to lap at the head again.
The taste was new to Brian. He could barely remember the last time he did it, took Justin in his mouth. Justin was only half-hard then, sleeping on his back in the bed. Brian had only happened upon that small state of arousal that night while rolling in his sleep. But he remembered the way that tentative roll of his tongue, slow creep into his mouth made Justin instantly hard and there wasn't much more after that.
Something about the quiet saltiness, the heady scent encouraged Brian. He was a natural at controlling his breathing, swallowing Justin down again. He was trying. He was hollowing out his cheeks, licking as he descended. He was working up a slow rhythm that turned to bobbing and trying not to let the head of Justin's cock tickle the back of his throat. He was jacking the rest of Justin, trying to adjust to the length in his mouth.
"Shit," Justin hissed out, dragging the length of the word as Brian tilted his head and took Justin in from a different angle. Every time his cock was exposed to the air, the moisture leaving a chilling feeling against his cock before being taken back into blistering heat again, he thought his mind snapped in two.
Brian's mouth was wet. Justin wanted to deny that, count to thirty three times over just so he wouldn't think about that. He couldn't. Brian was working up a fever and he wasn't stopping, he wasn't breaking or pulling Justin from his lips. It was leaving a wet, wet, wet feeling all over him and Justin knew that was partially from the sweat slipping down his back and his brow. His hand gave Brian's shoulder a light squeeze and the other one weaved fingers through Brian's hair, never pushing, just petting.
"Good," Justin mumbled, head tilting back while his eyes fell shut.
"Good?" Brian questioned, breathing hard when he finally dislodged Justin from his mouth. He gave a few squeezes and wasn't sure if it was precome or just his saliva coating the head of Justin's cock. It didn't matter to him.
"Fucking great," Justin laughed out, struggling with a moan that was forcing his toes to curl as Brian jacked him off slowly. Painfully slowly.
Brian nodded, watching his own hand rise and fall rather than looking at Justin's face. When he heard a sustained moan, hew knew Justin's face was probably screwed into some pleased expression. He let a dimpled smile form on his own face as he dabbed at the fluid that seeped out. His tongue reached forward and he tasted it.
Teeth raked over Justin's cock in a pleasing way and Justin couldn't help himself. He accidentally kicked Brian, too caught up in rapture to stop himself. Brian was slightly knocked off balance but it didn't stop him. He kept the head in his mouth and managed to return to his former position, a hand on Justin's thigh rather than Justin's cock, bobbing patiently until he found his stride again.
Justin caught a glimpse this time. He could see Brian playing with himself through the material of his sweatpants. It urged him on, caused his hips to lift to meet Brian's mouth on its downward slide, eyes trying to remain open. He thought he sobbed when Brian got a little further down him this time. He knew he had to be imaging things. That couldn't have been Brian's nose in his barely shaven pubes. That was not his cock in Brian's throat.
"Yeah. Oh fuck baby," Justin grunted, bones liquefying when Brian pulled back and off of him. "Shit Brian."
Brian stroked him with his hand, attempting to catch his breath. He was becoming too caught up in his own excitement. He didn't know if he was trying too much but the way Justin massaged the muscles in his shoulder, the way his voice hitched, and the way his back arched in the slightest to reach deeper surged him on. He licked around the crown while continuing to stroke Justin. He mouthed the head, suckling just a little for minutes. He knew the light pressure was getting to Justin.
"Brian," Justin pleaded, trying to lift a little to encase himself in that sweet, rapturous heat once more. The teasing was aiding him in reaching that orgasm he knew was bubbling in the pit of his stomach, nearly tipping him over mentally.
"Sweet," Brian whispered against the head, fingers circling it.
"Baby," Justin cooed.
"Tastes good."
"B," Justin keened, panting hard.
"Want it in my throat," Brian panted back, dipping in again but never reaching past midway before slurping back. He watched the way his saliva dribbled down when he pulled off and used it for lubrication. He stroked a little faster.
"Oh fuck," Justin groaned, falling back some and nearly slipping off the washer. He locked his ankles around Brian's back, dragging him toward the washer until he bumped into it. He heard a hiss from Brian and tried not to ignore it as he threaded his fingers through Brian's hair and kissed the top of his head. He was doing his best to be apologetic as Brian continued to fondle him. It'd be over before Justin could think if he didn't stop Brian's teasing.
"I take it you like this?" Brian asked playfully, finding adjustment in his new position. He did his best to stretch, bent his knees a little and reach his goal as he eased Justin back into his mouth. He didn't cease his descent this time, going as far as he could and humming because it was done to him once and he was sure it tingled so hard that he came shortly afterward. Not that he wanted Justin to come, yet.
"Really like it," Justin hissed out, stuttering on his own words. His eyes rolled in the back of his head and he rocked up. He rocked like he was fucking Brian and, in some ways, he felt like he was. Short jabs into something hot, something deep. Slow ones that drew all the way back until barely the tip of Justin's cock was in Brian's mouth. Casual strokes that left Justin shaking and moaning. He felt Brian moan too, gasp around him as Justin circled his hips and let his erection scrape over the roof of Brian's mouth.
"I need to do this more often," Brian jested when he pulled back, his thumb running along the vein on the underside. He toyed with Justin's balls again, dared to drift a little lower and Justin spread for him. Just a quiet, whispering touch and Justin had spread further than Brian knew he could, invited him to do something Justin never let Brian do.
Brian curiously let his index finger trace back and up, sliding between Justin's cheeks. It found what it was searching for, pushing gently. He felt Justin spasm and glanced up to watch Justin stroke himself, eyes shut and mouth open. He let his own mouth slide open, eyes awestruck by the way Justin folded his large hand around his cock and squeezed tightly until more precome slithered out.
"Justin," Brian moaned out and he didn't know why. He just needed Justin to open his eyes, to look at him. He shivered when Justin did.
"Mmm."
"Justin," Brian moaned again, gaining entrance and he didn't wait for Justin to completely adjust before pushing further in.
"Ooh," Justin mewled, tipping his head back but keeping his eyes open and on Brian.
"Shit."
"Shit."
"Oh baby."
"Fuck baby," Justin hissed, pushing himself onto the finger while still leisurely dragging his hand up and down his erection.
Brian tried to give himself a little friction by rubbing against the washing machine, unsure how Justin was gaining friction with his own hand when his fingers were in a loose fist and he was barely raising his hips to slide against that wet palm. He found Justin's eyes again and saw something. It was desperate, tension-filled, and calling to Brian. He didn't know what it meant. It wasn't the stare he got when Justin wanted Brian to suck him again, roll that erection around his mouth. It was a little more carnal.
Brian wasn't prepared when Justin pushed off the washer, stumbling back some when Justin did. He gasped when Justin pulled him up a little, a hand on the back of his head before being drug into a sloppy kiss. He barely had time to remove his finger from Justin and wasn't sure how it had remained when Justin hopped off the washer in the first place. He moaned into the kiss, letting a tongue massage his own and they could barely get close enough to Justin because his own erection was pointed straight against Justin's hip.
Justin backed away from the kiss quickly, cursing himself because those lips felt so good but he was aching and he could feel Brian's need against him. He ducked to suck Brian's neck a little, rolling his hips to bring some pleasure to himself and Brian. He could feel an urgency building inside of himself and knew he couldn't continue with his ministrations. There had to be some fairness in this game and his body reacted properly.
Brian choked on a moan, too caught in the pleasure of Justin sucking on the nape of his neck to feel hands yanking down his sweatpants until they were mid thigh. He was thrown when he was spun around and managed to brace his hands against the wall. Justin's lips were kissing against his spine and he was sinking into this ravenous side of Justin. He was melting with it, wanting more of it as Justin lined himself up until his cock was nestled between Brian's cheeks, hips pressed against Brian's back.
"Mmph," Brian moaned, head tipping forward.
Justin was quick to lick his own hand while slowly sliding his cock up and down. He shuddered at his own movement, pleasure sliding against his lungs and rippling through his chest. He gathered as much moisture as possible, his tongue sliding over fingers, tasting the saltiness.
"Damn boy," Justin hissed, his hips snapping a little quicker. He mechanically wanted to bury his cock in Brian, forgo the teasing and adjusting just so he could be inside the older man.
"Holy shi.."
Brian couldn't get the phrase out when Justin's hand gripped his exposed cock. He bit down on his lower lip, tried not to draw up blood. His eyes screwed shut and he spread his legs to give Justin a better angle to slip his cock between his cheeks. He was sure Justin was going to thrust too hard and end up slamming him into the wall. Or maybe he'd end up slipping inside? Brian abstained from thinking about the pain, considered letting Justin do it.
"Damn it," Justin grunted, glancing down to watch himself. He loved the way the head slipped up, drug down in an area he was so used to evading to simply glide inward.
"Oh."
"Oh yeah," Justin hummed, feeling the slickness increasing between his hand and Brian's cock. The panting, harsh breathing led Justin to believe Brian wouldn't last much longer. He was relieved. His back hurt, his legs ached, and he could feel everything inside of him snapping as quick as his hips were.
"Fuck," Brian mewled, hips moving with Justin to gain more friction between Justin's hand and his cock.
"Potty mouth," Justin laughed out, licking the back of Brian's neck.
"You love it," Brian groaned back, toes curling against the cool tile of the floor. His arms were aching, straining to hold himself up while bathing in the stinging sensations Justin's hand was creating.
"Fuck yeah," Justin replied, his voice infected with desire. He bit down on Brian's shoulder and rolled his hips. He humped a little quicker, the lack of lubrication making it difficult but that didn't stop him.
"Have to..."
"Do it B," Justin encouraged Brian, fingers dig into the skin of Brian's hip as he scooted forward to find a new angle. He was surprised when he felt a hand underneath him. Brian's flexibility and strength astonished Justin. He was holding himself up against the wall with one arm while his other hand had reached between and underneath their bodies to give Justin's balls a small squeeze.
"Justin," Brian shuddered out, finally giving in. Everything was going white and he barely managed to keep himself up, even when Justin put more of his weight against Brian's back.
Justin shook with the sensation of Brian shaking, the cock in his hand twitching and a slickness that he knew too well glossing between his fingers. He continued to stroke, too lost in his nearing orgasm to stop.
"Sensitive," Brian sung out but he didn't really want it to stop. Justin was pulling out those last drops of come and easing him higher into his own high.
"Gonna nut," Justin warned, his voice hitting that falsetto he didn't mean to but managed to. It was accompanied by a thundering whimper and he didn't mean to watch himself this time. He didn't mean to watch his cock sputter out long streams of come on Brian's lower back. It was exciting, almost voyeuristic but he watched. He shivered, his hand stripped from Brian's flaccid penis to assist himself in squeezing out those last volleys. He stroked himself with heavy pants, eyes finally falling shut.
When Justin opened his eyes again, he was leaning against the wall with Brian standing in front of him. Lips were dancing against his own but he was barely participating. He was drained and it felt so hollowing. He licked his tongue out, catching Brian's lips before wetting his own as Brian pulled back.
"Did I do okay?" Brian inquired, rubbing Justin's hips.
Justin chuckled softly, nodding because he had yet to figure out how to use his words again. He cleared his throat and did his best to wipe his own off on his wifebeater. It wasn't his first option for use when cleaning up but he was too lazy to move too far from his position.
"Glad my boyfriend is pleased," Brian chimed, easing forward until their hips touched and their chests met.
"Thank you," Justin whispered, using his other hand to cup the back of Brian's head. He eyed Brian's lips as a languid smile rolled across them.
"No need to thank me. Just doing my part to learn how to give an acceptable blowjob," Brian responded, crinkling eyes staring at Justin.
Justin was quick to shake his head. "Besides that, thank you for taking care of me today. For giving me what I needed."
Brian furrowed his brow before nodding. He knew what Justin was saying but he also knew Justin didn't need to. It was what they did. They cared for each other, looked out for each other because caring was so natural and necessary. It was almost was instinctual as being a father. Something about the endearment of the younger man, the way he could be broken in front of Brian eased that push and pull that he knew most people endured.
"Thank you for," Justin struggled with his words, twisting his lips. "Thank you for wanting me to be in your life like this."
Brian nodded without thought this time. Fighting a smile wasn't an option.
He welcomed an embrace from Justin, letting his head rest on Justin's shoulder. It didn't feel like a hug shared between strangers or even friends anymore. It felt like one that was appreciated by lovers.
"And I wasn't crying today," Justin insisted with a small giggle.
"I know sweetheart," Brian snickered back. "I won't tell Baylee."
Justin grinned, kissing the top of Brian's head. He was free in Brian's arms. He wasn't discouraged or stressed. He was Justin. He was Justin Timberlake, unbroken and that was worth the tears. It was worth being considered unmanly or strong or everything that came along with tears.
Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
I've lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace
-- "Grace" - Kate Havnevik
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