This is a fictional story that may involve sexual acts between two or more males. If this offends you, why are you here? If you are under the legal age to read sexually explicit material then do not read any further. This story in no way represents any person living or dead. Any resemblance to any real person is purely coincidental.

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A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right.

Thomas Paine

Brent's Struggle Chapter 31

Brent pushed the keyboard away. He was trying to work on his history paper but could not concentrate. His mind was still focused on the second meeting with his parents that had taken place earlier that day. The meeting had been tense. He could feel the tension between Matt and his father. The glares were like laser blasts and the words the two men had exchanged were as hard as stone. It was obvious that the two men loathed each other.

Brent knew that Matt's feelings towards Richard were all because of him. Matt had become so protective that the man was having trouble hiding his feelings for Brent's parents. Matt rightly blamed Richard and Linda for Brent's current depression and anxiety. Brent felt safe with Matt protecting him but he also felt a little guilty for the hurt he saw in his mom's face when they had left. She had wanted to hug him but Matt would not permit it. He had seen the tension in Brent at the mention of it and had intervened. The situation had become even more tense.

"I do not think that is a good idea," Matt said, stepping between Linda and Brent. Matt had seen the panic in Brent's eyes when Linda had mentioned hugging him.

"He's our son!" Richard's voice was loud in the conference room. He stood up from the soft chair where he had been sitting. "She has every right to hug him. He should be going home with us right now."

Matt could almost hear Brent tense up at Richard's words. "Like I said, it is a bad idea. Maybe at our next visitation." Matt kept his body between Brent and his parents.

Richard took a step towards Matt. The man's face was red with anger. "I do not know who you think you are."

"I am the man that the court thought could look out for Brent's best interests. Right now, physical contact distresses him. I will not let anyone set back the progress Brent has made. That includes you."

"I think we need to all calm down," Gloria said.

Brent wondered if the woman ever got tired of repeating the phrase. She seemed to be doing it a lot and it usually seemed to be caused by Richard and Matt.

"I think we should just go," Matt said, turning to lead Brent and Bryan from the room.

"One of these days he will be leaving with us." Richard's voice cut across their backs as they moved towards the door.

Brent heard the words and felt his stomach flip. He never wanted to go home with them again. He never wanted to live under the same roof as his parents.

"It's alright," Bryan said, placing a hand on Brent's back. "Don't let it worry you."

Brent had let them lead him from the room and down the hall. "I, um, need the bathroom." Brent thought he was going to be sick. The idea of being forced to live with his mom and dad again was causing his stomach to churn.

"Sure," Bryan said, leading Brent over to the nearest restroom. "You going to be alright?"

"Yes, I, um, think." Brent hurried into the men's room. He headed to the sink to splash some cool water onto his face. He needed to push the idea out of his mind. He needed to not think about it.

Brent had not been sure how long he had stood there letting the water run and trying to fight down the nausea. He heard the door open and Bryan came into the room.

"You doing alright soldier?" Bryan moved up and placed a hand on Brent's shoulder.

"I, um, guess."

"I know these meetings stress you out and I'm sure the idea that your dad mentioned made it worse."

"I, um, I don't ever want to go home with them." Brent closed his eyes. He could feel them burning with the held back tears.

"You have been through a lot these past few months. I understand why you feel that way. You may not always feel that way though."

"I, I don't think I will ever change. I mean feeling that way. I just can't ever imagine living with them again. I know that not being with them hurts my mom."

"I bet you feel guilty for that."

Brent looked at Bryan's reflection in the mirror. It was somehow easier to talk to the reflection than to him directly. "Is it that obvious?"

"No, but I've been there. I mean hating my parents and feeling guilty for it."

"You do, did."

"We have issues, my parents and me. They have never really accepted me being gay. Matt got damn lucky with his parents. You and I did not."

"Devyn's parents are just as bad as mine. Hell, maybe they are better. They just threw him out. They did not try and have him brainwashed."

"I'm sure that hurt Devyn as bad as what your parents did to you."

"Maybe, I don't know."

"At least your parents cared enough to try and get you help. Even if it wasn't the help you needed. Devyn's just threw him away."

"I, um, didn't think about it like that."

"I think they do love you, Brent. They just don't understand and are having a tough time adjusting."

"Even if they do, um, adjust, I don't want to go to live with them. I, um, I want to, um..."

Bryan's lips curved up into a smile. His eyes could read exactly what Brent wanted and he thought it was what the kid needed. Plus, Bryan knew it was what Matt needed. "You can stay with us Brent. That is never going to change."

"Thanks Bryan." Brent stepped forward and hugged the former Marine. "I, uh, thanks." Brent wanted to say he loved the man but thought it would sound wrong. Especially since they were in a men's room.

Bryan put his arms around the teenager. He held him tight. This was the second time Brent had initiated a physical contact. Bryan thought it showed that Brent was moving down the road to recovery.

Brent pulled his mind back from the events of the afternoon. He needed to work on his homework but just did not feel like it. He gave up and moved to the bed. He flopped down and flipped on the television. He wanted to lose himself in some mindless comedy.

#

"I hope we are doing the right thing." Matt and Bryan were in the living room. Brent was in the backyard using the yard sweep to pick up the leaves. If they did not clean them up, they would kill off the grass. Brent had jumped in to help with all the yard work and helping Bryan chop wood for the fireplace. They had a large stack going for their winter supply.

"Dr. Drake said he was as ready as he ever would be," Bryan said. "It is too late to call and stop this now."

"I know," Matt said. "I could hear the excitement in Alex's voice when I invited him out. He had tried to downplay it but it was there."

Matt had consulted Dr. Drake before making the offer to Alex to come out and see Brent. The doctor thought Brent was as ready as he would be. They also thought it would be good for Brent to have additional support when they told him about Devyn. Matt was hoping that having Alex to help him, might get Brent through the trauma of learning Devyn was dead. Matt just wished he had been able to learn more about how Devyn had died. So far neither he nor his capable assistant Albert had found anything.

"It is like he was scooped up by aliens," Albert told Matt. "There is not even an obituary. Are you sure he's dead?"

"I got it straight from his dad," Matt said. "I'm sure Frank tried to keep it as quiet as he could. He would not want anyone to know his son was gay."

"That much of a homophobic dick wad?" Albert was looking up at Matt, his eyes meeting Matt's.

"Definitely. Hell, he attacked me at one of the job sites once. He thought I was putting the moves on his teenage son."

"Were you?"

"ALBERT! No."

"Hey, just checking. I thought maybe you and Bryan were looking for a third...in fact, if you are..."

"Albert, so inappropriate."

"Yes, sorry. Don't write me up for sexual harassment."

"No way in hell. I might end up with Lucy."

Albert had not given up on finding Devyn. He was going to ask a P.I. friend for some ideas. If that did not work, then Matt was just going to hire a P.I. to find out what had happened and where Devyn was buried.

The doorbell pulled Matt out of his musings. He started towards the door but Bryan was already there. "Hi, I'm Alex Caldwell," Matt heard Alex state. Matt moved up to the door.

"Hi Alex," Bryan said.

"This is my husband, Bryan." Matt placed a hand on Bryan's shoulder. "Come on in. You are a little early."

"Sorry, you, um, don't know how hard it was for me not to be here hours ago." Alex followed the two men into the large living room. Alex's eyes swept around the rustic looking living room.

"I have to say you have shown great restraint. I appreciate that."

"I, um, would not do anything to hurt Brent," Alex said. His eyes were still searching around for Brent.

"He's out back," Bryan said, noticing Alex's searching eyes.

"Alex," Matt's voice was soft and sympathetic as he spoke, "Brent still does not remember you. Maybe seeing you will trigger his memory. We don't know though."

"I understand. I can't say it doesn't hurt but I understand."

"I thought you would," Matt said.

They guided Alex over to the large window that looked out over the back yard. Brent was there emptying the leaves into the compost pile at the very back of the large yard.

Alex's heart jumped into his throat at the sight of Brent. It took all his control to not push past the two men and run out to Brent.

"The meetings with his parents have been rough on him," Matt said. "He has talked to us but the doctor thinks he needs a friend closer to his own age. He, um, really hasn't made many friends since getting out of the clinic."

"He's afraid," Bryan said. "He hasn't told us exactly what happened to him in there, but it is bad. Real bad."

"He needs to talk to someone about it before the trial. The DA has contacted me and they need Brent to meet with them. They need to go over the details."

"Do you think I can help him?" Alex looked from one man to the other.

"We hope you can," Matt said. "Let's go see what meeting you does."

#

Brent was using the spade to turn over the compost pile. He was mixing in the new leaves with the other decomposing matter. The smell was pungent and earthy as he turned over the contents.

"You are doing an excellent job there, soldier," Bryan said, as the trio moved towards Brent.

Brent turned towards the voice. He saw Matt and Bryan first and then the third person. The man looked familiar but Brent could not put a name to the face. He seemed extremely nervous and worried. This must be Alex that Matt had mentioned. Brent was hoping to remember the person when meeting him but other than the man being familiar Brent did not know him. Matt had told Brent that they were friends but Brent did not remember that.

Brent thought Alex was attractive with his brown hair and warm brown eyes. He also noticed that Alex was dressed well. The Suede jacket hugged him emphasizing his lean body. The deep brown pants also hugged Alex in all the right places. Brent wondered if the man always dressed this nicely or if the man had dressed up for this meeting. Brent had not. He was just wearing a pair of jeans, a long sleeve t-shirt and a dark blue hooded sweatshirt. He wondered if he should have dressed up for this. He wished again he could remember something, anything, about this man.

"Did we go to school together?" Brent asked Matt when Matt had told Brent about Alex wanting to see Brent.

"Um, no, he's a few years older than you. He's been very worried about you."

"Where did we meet?" Brent hated the gap in his memory. He thought it felt like it was growing rather than shrinking. He knew that was just because he could not remember these people. The two girls that his parents had mentioned in his visitation meetings and now this Alex guy.

"You met at the movies," Matt said. "I guess you were going there quite a bit."

Brent did not remember that either. He often liked getting lost in a good movie or television show, But he had no memory of meeting Alex.

"He wants to come out and see you," Matt said.

"I, um, don't know."

"I think it would be good for you," Matt pressed. "He's closer to your age and he cares about you."

"Um, does he know about the clinic?" Brent knew the coverage had so far kept his name out of it but that was still just a matter of time.

"He knows some," Matt said. He wanted to be honest with Brent. "You can tell him as much or as little as you want about that. It is up to you but I think it would be good for you to talk to someone about it." Matt and Bryan had considered taking Brent to see Steven. They thought that maybe now some time had passed that it would be good for the two to meet and maybe talk. If anyone could understand the trauma Brent had suffered, it would be Steven.

Brent was pulled back to the moment as the three drew up to him. He nervously spun the handle of the spade in his gloved hands.

"Brent, this is Alex," Matt said. He was watching Brent closely and did not see any recognition in Brent's blue eyes.

"Hi," Alex said. He took a step closer to Brent. He wanted to grab Brent and hold him but He did not want to overwhelm Brent.

"Um, hi," Brent said.

"You want some help with that?" Alex asked, indicating the compost pile.

"I, um, was just flipping it to mix in the leaves." Brent was still twisting the spade.

"That seems simple enough." Alex stepped closer to Brent. He reached out putting his hand on Brents which was on the spade.

Brent jumped. He stepped back. He glanced at Alex's face. He could see caring in the warm eyes. The eyes reminded Brent of Devyn. The brown was the same but Alex's were lacking the golden specs.

"Sorry," Alex said, retracting his hand.

"It's alright," Brent said. "I, um, just, um, was surprised."

The silence stretched out for several long moments. Brent was not sure what he should do. Should he let Alex help him? Should he go up to the house so they can talk?

"We should leave you two alone to talk," Matt said.

Brent looked nervously from Alex to Matt and then back to Alex.

"We will be up at the house if you need anything," Bryan said.

Matt and Bryan left the two standing awkwardly by the compost pile. "He looks stressed," Bryan said softly as they were moving towards the house.

"They both do," Matt said.

"You're looking good," Alex said, trying to break the ice.

"Um, thanks." Brent was not sure what he should say to this almost stranger.

"Matt and Bryan seem like good guys." Alex wished he were not so nervous. He had never had trouble talking to Brent in the past. He wondered why it was difficult now.

"They are the best." Brent turned back to the compost pile. He continued turning over the decomposing matter. He bit his lower lip trying to think of something to say.

"I'm glad you have them." Alex was watching Brent work. He could not stop himself from glancing at Brent's butt as the younger boy worked. "I've been so damn concerned about you. I've wanted to come sooner but, um, wanted you to have time to adjust." Plus, Matt was not letting Alex come out because of the restraining order. Alex was certain that would soon no longer be an issue. Matt was not fighting it and Matt and Bryan were Brent's legal guardians now.

Brent turned over the last of the pile and then turned. "I don't remember you." Brent's words were blunt as he looked at Alex.

Alex looked down trying to control his emotions and then back at Brent. "I know. It is all right."

"It is not alright!" Brent's words cut across Alex. The frustration evident in the tone and the way Brent rammed the spade into the ground. "I hate this. I hate not remembering. I hate..."

Alex stepped closer to Brent. He had started to reach out to hug Brent but stopped himself. Matt had warned Alex about Brent's reluctance at being touched. "I can't imagine how it must make you feel."

Brent felt a little bad for snapping at Alex. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." Alex reached out and touched Brent's arm. He felt Brent flinch and then pull away. Alex felt the stab of pain in his stomach but reminded himself that Brent could not help his reaction. "Sorry."

Brent turned away looking at the woods. He was not sure what he wanted more. If he wanted Alex to just leave or if he wanted him to stay and try to fill in the gap in Brent's memory. "Matt said we met at the movies."

"We did. I was working as a ticket agent and you were coming in all the time." Alex moved closer to Brent, but did not try and touch him. "I had noticed you several times. You were cute and seemed sad and I wanted to cheer you up. We talked and then when I saw you watching the same movie a couple weeks in a row, I joined you."

Brent listened as Alex told him about the first sort of date. It all sounded familiar but Brent could not remember it. He could only remember going to the movies with Devyn and holding hands in the dark theater. He could remember walking around after the movie and walking through the nearby park. He could remember Devyn kissing him there in the park in the dark. Now Brent was wondering if he had it mixed up. Had it been Alex kissing him there in the dark or had it been Devyn?

"I'm sorry, I don't remember any of that." Brent felt uncomfortable at admitting he did not remember this man but he also did not want to mislead Alex.

"It is all right. I do understand." Alex pushed down the temptation to reach out and touch Brent. He wanted so badly to pull the boy in for a hug. He wanted to just hold him. He wanted to make Brent feel better.

The silence drug out for several minutes. Alex was looking around the yard and the woods. He was searching for the right thing to say. He wished he knew the right words. "It is nice and quiet out here."

"It is," Brent agreed. "I like it. It makes me feel sort of safe."

"Can we go for a walk?" Alex was looking at the woods and he could see the path leading into the trees.

"Sure." Brent started towards the path. He, Matt, and Bryan had often walked on the trail.

Alex followed along and was soon walking beside Brent down the trail. He could hear the soft chirps of the birds and heard something running through the undergrowth to the left. "I can see how you would like this. It is relaxing."

"What was the first movie we saw together?"

Brent's question took Alex a little by surprise but he answered it just the same. "You saw it three weeks in a row. It was that reason I joined you that third time."

"I don't remember the movie."

Alex understood that to also mean that Brent did not remember him either. "It was a good movie. Much better than the second one we saw together. We left halfway through that one."

"We did?"

"We did. We went for a walk in the park. It was colder than this. We walked and talked. It was when we really started to get to know each other."

"It isn't fair! You know all this shit about me and I don't know jack about you. You're a fucking stranger!"

"It's alright. I'll tell you anything you want to know."

"It isn't fucking alright!"

Alex was a little surprised by Brent's outburst. "I know it must be hard." The two had stopped walking. They were standing in the middle of the narrow path. Alex reached out and touched Brent's shoulder. He was about to pull Brent in to hold him. Matt's warning about Brent not wanting to be touched slipped from Alex's mind in his desire to comfort Brent.

"No! Don't fucking touch me. Keep your hands off me!" Brent knocked Alex's hand away. He moved backwards away from the older boy. His foot getting caught on a tree root and causing Brent to fall backwards.

The image of Brent's fall brought the memory of Brent being hurt during the Christmas party to Alex's mind. He could feel the panic surging up. "Brent!"

Brent landed on his ass on the cold ground. He was surprised by both his fall and his outburst. He was not managing the visit with Alex well at all.

Alex was breathing hard in his panic. He was trembling at the feelings Brent's fall had brought up. He could still see in his mind Brent's limp form lying on the floor and blood pooling from Brent's head. "You, you alright?"

"I'm sorry." Brent could see the panic in Alex's face. He believed incorrectly that it was from how he had reacted to Alex's attempting to touch him. He thought incorrectly that he had hurt Alex by his harsh words. "I'm fucked up."

"It's alright." Alex took a step forward. He was not sure if he should help Brent up or not. "I understand that something bad happened to you." Alex held out his hand letting Brent make the decision on taking it or not.

Brent looked at the offered hand and then up at Alex's face. His eyes met Alex's. Brent could see concern and caring reflected in the warm brown of Alex's eyes. Brent slowly took Alex's hand.

Alex felt a thrill inside as Brent's hand met his. He held the hand tight as he pulled Brent to his feet. "You alright?" Alex had to fight down the desire to pull Brent in and hold him. He wanted to kiss Brent and tell him he would make everything alright but he was not sure he knew how to do that.

"Nothing hurt, except for maybe my dignity."

"Then there is nothing hurt." Alex was still holding onto Brent's hand. He did not want to let it go. It had been so long since he had been able to touch Brent. "Do you think if I warned you that I was going to touch you that it would help?"

"Um, warn me?"

"You know, like if I was going to touch, um, your hair or your shoulder or maybe your face."

"I, um, guess so but I'm not sure..."

"Let's try it," Alex said, trying to not let Brent put off the physical contact. "I'm just going to touch your hair." With his free hand, Alex slowly touched Brent's blonde hair. It was soft against his fingers. He runs his fingers through the blonde locks. "It is longer than I remember."

Brent was fighting down the urge to push the hand away. He wanted the touch of this man but it also caused his stomach to flip. He could feel Wilson yelling in his head that this was wrong. He winced at the memory of the pain that she had inflicted.

"You alright?" Alex had seen Brent tense up but the wince was not something that Alex had expected. It was almost like Brent was expecting any physical contact to come with some sort of pain. Alex wondered just what kind of hell Brent had gone through in the clinic.

Reaching up Brent took Alex's hand from his hair. "It isn't you."

"Was I pushing too hard?" Alex was looking into Brent's blue eyes. He could see more pain there than before. "I do that sometimes. I just want you to feel relaxed."

"I don't know the last time I felt that way."

"I'm not sure you felt that way very often. Even with me and we were alone you always seemed tense. Only a few times could I get you to relax completely."

"Tell me about them."

"The first time was when we went to a gay club." Alex proceeded to tell Brent about their date. They walked as Alex talked. They moved deeper into the woods that surrounded the cabin where Matt and Bryan lived.

"I do not remember any of that," Brent said, when Alex had finished telling him about their date.

"We could go back there. Maybe being there again would trigger something."

"I don't know..."

"We could take Matt and Bryan with us. That might make you feel more safe."

"You wouldn't mind."

"No, of course not. Like Matt and Bryan, I want you to get back your memory. Of course, my reasons are probably more selfish than theirs. I would like you to remember me and our feelings."

"What if I never remember that?"

"We can build new memories together."

Brent could not believe this guy would be willing to put up with all the issues that Brent had. He did not believe anyone could be that understanding. "I don't think you know how messed up I am."

"We are all messed up to some extent. We all come with baggage."

Brent shook his head. "I'm fucked up. Don't you understand that!"

"Brent stop." Alex stopped and looked at Brent. "I'm going to touch you." Slowly Alex reached out and touched Brent's arm. He felt the blonde tense up but at least this time Brent did not panic like before. Alex moved a little closer. "I understand it is going to take time. I am willing to take things slow."

"I'm not sure I'll ever be, be, like I was." Brent's voice was horse as he spoke. "I may never be able to, um, be able to, um..."

"Be intimate?" Alex provided.

Brent looked down at the ground. He could not tell this virtual stranger what had happened to him under Wilson's tortuous treatment. "I think you should find someone new." Brent pulled away from Alex. He turned and started walking back towards the cabin.

"Not so fast." Alex hurried to catch up to Brent. "It is not that easy to get rid of me and I don't want someone new. I want you."

Brent stopped and spun on Alex. "I'm not that guy. I'm not him. He died in that place. She killed him!"

"No, she tried to kill him but he was too strong." Alex's voice was thick with his emotion. "I know that you were tortured in there. I know it is going to take time to heal."

"I can't be healed. I'm fucked up!"

"In time..." Alex's words were cut off.

"Just give up on me. Give up on us. Just leave me."

"I'm not doing that." Alex's voice was firm. "I love you, Brent."

"I don't know why. I'm..."

"I know you think you are fucked up. I love you for surviving the hell you went through. I cannot comprehend how bad it was but it only makes me love you more."

"But that Brent is dead."

"I don't think so." Alex's voice was soft again. "I'm going to touch you." Alex reached out and caressed Brent's cheek. "I think he is hiding because it hurts too much. He is in some safe place inside you just waiting for the right moment to come back out. When he does, you will remember and those feelings will come back."

"What if I remember but I don't feel what you want me to?"

"How I want you to feel does not matter. However you feel, is the right way." Alex took his hand from Brent's cheek. "Can I hug you?"

Brent turned towards the cabin. "Not now. I, um, can't really manage that."

"Alright, I can live with that for now but next time I'll expect a hug."

"Next time?"

"You didn't think this was a one-time thing, did you?" Brent stopped and Alex looked into Brent's eyes. "I'll be back often. As often as you can stand it."

"You're more fucked up than I am."

Alex's lips curved up at the slight sparkle he saw in Brent's blue eyes. "See we're perfect together. Two fucked up people."

"You're not right."

"Hmm, you have actually said that to me before." Alex moved a little closer. "I'm going to touch your shoulder." Reaching out, Alex puts his hand on Brent's shoulder and squeezes it. "I think that just proves that with time you can recover from the hell you went through."

"I may never be able to, um, feel what you want me to feel."

Alex stopped and with a little pressure got Brent to turn towards him. "What I want you to feel is not relevant right now. I just want you to recover."

"What if that means I never feel what I once did for you?"

"That is going to hurt but maybe having you as a friend will lessen that hurt. Maybe you will help me cope."

Reaching to his shoulder, Brent placed his hand on Alex's. Brent feels a tingle as he touches Alex's warm skin. "I'll try."

Alex so wanted to lean in and kiss Brent's lips. He wanted the fairy tale ending where with just one kiss Brent's memory would return and he would feel again what they had. "I so hope we are more than friends."

"Alex, I want to be honest. I don't think that will happen."

"Then I'll have to learn to accept us just being friends."

Brent took his hand from Alex's and turned back towards the cabin. He did not understand all the feelings rolling around inside him. He just knew that it felt good having a friend.

#

Copyright 2022 by Keith yates (keith.96@att.net) all rights reserved.

No copying, reposting, or distributing is permitted without the author's written consent.

Reason obeys itself; and ignorance submits to whatever is dictated to it. Thomas Paine

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it. Thomas Paine

To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead, or endeavoring to convert an atheist by scripture. Thomas Paine

Character is much easier kept than recovered. Thomas Paine