A very big thank you to all of the readers who have taken the time to send kind messages for the first few chapters of the story. I very much appreciate it. Please send any feedback, complaints, and correspondence to breakingthroughstory@gmail.com. I'm looking forward to continuing this creative endeavor in 2018 and hope to rebuild the sense of community that had been established the first time around between readers and writers.
This new story will take place in a loose version of the present day and most of the main ideas from the first go-round will remain. With a 10-year jump in time, some things have changed. The new story will do away with a lot of the tertiary characters in the old narrative. The usual disclaimers apply. This is fiction.
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Chapter 9
Armie carefully moved a stack of books from the kitchen island to the coffee table. Then, he moved them back. "Hey, what are these doing here?" he finally asked.
Chris popped his head out from the refrigerator and looked over his shoulder, "They're for Jake. His sister gave them to me when I went to New York."
Like it always did, Armie's fist clenched at the mention of Jake. It lasted for less than a second and he was sure that Chris never even noticed, but like a reflex, it was there. Chris had come back just the day before and Armie just about dropped everything to rush over to the house. He was tired. The movie was wrapped, but there were some reshoots to do. They were all at night.
"I watered your plant for you."
"It's a cactus. It would have survived."
Armie justified the hour-long commute by telling himself that he was looking after Chris' house. It didn't have the complicated security system his own place did. Armie tried his best to convince Chris to install a system that would let him turn the lights on and off from his phone and to let him watch live camera feeds, but Chris just brushed him off. "I have a deadbolt," he'd said.
"You weren't being creepy and sleeping in my bed or anything while I was gone, right?" Chris asked. His latest food delivery box was put away and would stay that way. When Armie was around, he either cooked freestyle or the two of them went out.
"I just put all your clothes on and cried," Armie said, his eyes turned towards the back doors and the canal. "I have to be back on set later. I want you to be there."
Chris leaned against the counter, "Why? Isn't it just one or two scenes?"
"It would help me. I'm serious. I want you to be there."
The request was odd, but Chris could tell that Armie had been holding it in for a while. It was selfish of him not to do something so simple, he figured. But he couldn't shrug off the feeling of being blindsided. "Sure," Chris said. Before he could even second-guess his decision, Armie rushed over him and pulled him into a hug.
Chris didn't know what normal domesticity was like, but it seemed like he'd only ever experience a unique kind of lifestyle that involved late-night reshoots and shaking hands with gaffers, sound engineers, and camera people. This was only the second time he'd ever come on set, but he was sure that the entire crew knew who he was. He wasn't sure if they knew the situation between Armie and himself. He remembered all the times he'd been on set with Jake, watching everything through a computer screen instead of seeing it play out in real life. It's what everyone did, since the computer framed everything like it would be on the movie screen. This time around, Chris would focus on the performance in front of him, instead. Let everyone else crowd around the screen.
Armie was already in the wardrobe trailer. Instead of waiting around, Chris wandered the location, which was really just a public park in Burbank. In the movie, it would be a nondescript part of San Francisco.
"We're all really happy with how this is turning out," Jean-Marc said as soon as he spotted Chris heading towards him. "We should wrap tomorrow."
"That's really good to hear," Chris said, rocking back and forth on his heels. "The dailies look great. It's like a dream. Everything looks so perfect."
Jean-Marc smiled through his own fatigue. "Perfection is unattainable. We're getting close though."
"Are you a movie director or a philosopher?"
"What day of the week is it?"
Chris smiled as Jean-Marc gave his shoulder a hearty squeeze. "Thank you for everything."
"My pleasure."
Chris wandered a few paces away, keeping himself on the periphery of the roped-off area. It was cold, dark and, thanks to the water they'd sprayed everywhere so that the grass shimmered in the artificial moonlight, damp. Pre-movie magic, it didn't have the cinematic quality that he knew would get added in post-production. Now, it just looked messy, especially with the whole crew buzzing around. He noticed the commotion finally coming together and he headed towards the bright lights, still doing his best to stay out of everyone's way. He didn't know if Armie knew where he was, but Jean-Marc looked ready to call the scene, so it was too late. Armie had been running his lines in the car, so Chris knew what scene they were doing. But he'd been focusing on the actual words, not really delivering them with any sort of intention or inflection. Actual filming would be different.
As he walked closer to the actual filming, everything started coming into focus. The real world seemed to fade away and he heard the words from his book being spoken aloud. Everything felt magnified, from the rustle of the leaves in the trees to the colors around him. The world seemed to glow around Chris and he got even closer, his eyes narrowing as he tried to catch every detail. He could hear Armie, hear the argument he was having with Gael. He could see them gesticulating, see them just like he saw in his head. It was surreal.
A dog barking broke Chris from his reverie. As much as they could control the environment, they couldn't control everything happening in the rest of the park. Shaken, Chris watched Armie seemingly snap right out of character. He and Gael leaned into each other, talking about something Chris couldn't hear.
"Go!" Armie's voice boomed. Chris' eyes shot to his face, his matinee-idol good looks warped by anger and pain. "Don't use me or what we had as an excuse anymore. I'm telling you to go."
Chris froze. This wasn't what he'd expected. This wasn't the scene Armie had been practicing earlier.
"I thought I could change for you," Gael said, his hands shaking as he clutched at Armie's hands. "I wanted to."
Armie fell to his knees, his forehead pressing against Gael's stomach as his shoulders drooped. If he was crying, Chris couldn't hear or see it. He suddenly wished he'd stayed at the monitors, after all, where he'd have an up-close view and headphones. Chris was desperate to know if the words had changed, if anything about this scene changed at all. His heart started beating faster and his eyes grew wider with every passing second. Everything that the actors were saying was already spoken. He knew the words by heart. It was nearly the exact exchange that he and Jake had. Chris had replayed it over and over again in his head, the words permanently etched in his memory. His breath caught and he felt lightheaded. Blinking, he was startled when a round of applause came from the direction of the crew. Before he could stop himself, he ran towards Armie, stumbling through the wet grass.
"Why?" Chris asked, breathing hard after his near sprint. "Why would you want me to see that?"
Gael froze. So did the rest of the crew. The cameras had stopped rolling, but the sudden commotion had kept everyone right where they'd been standing.
"Chris, calm down," Armie said, rubbing his hands up and down Chris' arms. "Shh. I don't know what you mean." His breathing quickened and Chris could see the edges of his vision blurring.
He felt Gael's hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off. "You wanted me to feel it all again. This part of the book. This whole thing." He was rambling now. Chris looked up at Armie and saw shock in his big blue eyes.
"Chris, come here." Armie scooped him up in his arms, holding him tight. "I would never hurt you."
"Is everything okay?" Gael said, his voice low.
"I think we're having a misunderstanding," Armie responded. "We're done for tonight, right? I need to take him home." Chris' face was pressed into Armie's chest, silent sobs racking his body.
Jean-Marc had rushed over to them and simply nodded after Armie's suggestion. He was too shocked to say anything else, a sentiment shared by just about everyone there.
"Sorry," Armie said to everyone. "He'll be fine. I'll make sure."
The car ride home was in near-silence. Armie couldn't tell if Chris had been crying or just in a fit of rage. Whichever it was, Armie wasn't ready to find out and Chris definitely wasn't open to discussing it. He was embarrassed. Not only causing a scene, but he thought that he'd gotten through all those emotions, or at least pushed them away. They were just a few miles from Armie's house, but he decided that it would be a better idea to get Chris to more familiar environs. The long drive would do some good, too. It offered a little more time for things to settle down.
Chris still hadn't said a word when they pulled into the driveway. "Say something," Armie said as Chris struggled to unlock his front door.
"I don't know why, but you did that to hurt my feelings."
"Why would I want to hurt your feelings?"
"I said I didn't know," Chris said as he headed upstairs. "You're not welcome to stay tonight."
"I am going to whether you want it or not. I'm worried about you."
"I'll be fine," Chris said, not even bothering to turn around.
"Chris, look at me. Talk to me."
Chris turned on his heels at the top of the stairs. The same place where he had swallowed Armie's dick to the root. Armie wouldn't ever get that image out of his head. "I can't look at you right now."
"How did you expect to ignore that part of your life forever? You lived it. You wrote it. I thought you moved past all that. I needed you there to support me. You're being selfish."
"You didn't warn me."
"You wouldn't have come."
"I'm not a prop for you to use."
"No, you're a person who gets emotions out of me. It's what being in a relationship is. What's wrong with you? I just wanted your support."
"You don't know what those words mean to me. That's my life. That moment broke me."
"But you put it out there," Armie said. He could feel anger welling up inside him now. "How did you expect to stay away from it?"
"I've managed, haven't I? When you live through it once, you don't want to live it again." He didn't wait for a response. He walked into the bedroom shut the door. Whether or not Armie left, this conversation was done.
Armie woke up with the sun, because he'd forgotten to shut the blinds last night and Chris' fishbowl of a house filled with early morning light. What he didn't expect to see as soon as he opened his eye was Chris, dozing just a few feet away from him on the other part of the L-shaped sofa. After the previous night's somewhat unexpected outcome, Armie didn't know what would happen next. He rubbed his hands over his face and sighed, watching the steady rise and fall of Chris' body with every deep breath. He went over and gently shook at Chris' shoulder.
"Do you want some breakfast?" Armie whispered, rubbing at Chris' back.
"Yes, please," Chris mumbled. Armie sat next to him, his hand lingering. Chris wasn't bristling at the touch like Armie had expected. Instead, he was almost leaning into it, encouraging more contact. Armie stroked Chris' cheek with the back of his knuckles and Chris let out a contented sigh. "I didn't think you'd stay."
"I couldn't go," Armie said softly.
"I'm sorry for blowing up on you."
"It's over now," Armie assured him. "Let's get you some coffee."
There was an ease about the morning after that surprised the both of them. Chris wanted to forget everything as quickly as possible and Armie was just relieved that everything seemed to be back to normal. Minus a pair of stiff backs, there was nothing to remind them of the previous nights' incident.
"I'm not going to ever be completely okay with what happened between me and Jake," Chris said, idly stirring his coffee. "I thought I could be. I figured getting it out of my system just meant typing it all out."
"You may have oversimplified that."
"You could have gone off on me."
"I could have done a lot of things. I could have gone up to your room last night. I could have gotten angry on set. But I think I did the right thing."
Chris didn't know what to say to that. Armie was behind him now. Chris was sitting on a stool, making Armie feel even bigger that he really was. When he wrapped his arms around Chris' chest and nuzzled at his neck, Chris almost felt smothered.
"I care about you a lot. I didn't want to lose that. Part of me wanted you on set because I wanted you to see how happy I was to be in this movie. I wanted you to be proud of me. To see everyone's hard work."
"Do you think about what you had with Liz?"
"I've got ways of keeping my mind from things that are in the past."
"I think you're oversimplifying things."
"I don't think so," Armie whispered as he kissed at the back of Chris' neck. "I really don't."
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